er

i think i'm coming down with a cold. brendan is too. ugh.

it was a nice weekend. it's kind of crazy to think there's only one weekend left before i start my christmas holidays. i have 4 vacation days left, plus a day in lieu from my trip to calgary, so i'm taking an extended christmas vacation. i'm pretty excited. i'll have my birthday off, plus 2.5 weeks off from work. i'm really hoping that week will be restful and not all full of christmas stuff. every year i watch gone with the wind while wrapping gifts. brendan watched (parts of) it with me a couple years ago, but once was enough for him. his main comment at the end was that he was surprised that in a 4 hour film scarlette only got pushed down the stairs once. this will be my first time watching it since i read the book (last year was too hectic for me to watch it), and i know i will be a little disappointed by all the omissions. BUT i'm still looking forward to it. i feel like it's whimsy will be good for my soul. can one call a civil war film whimsical?

one main milestone that must be completed before i can truly slide into vacation is my sermon. i'm preaching next sunday on christmas - the second week of advent. i'm looking forward to it. i really enjoy the writing process, but find speaking my sermon the hard part. words get lost in translation from my brain to mouth. last time i relied on my written word more than any other time. i'm not sure if that's good or bad, but it saved me a lot of advanced frustration from trying to practise repeatedly. you reach a point when preparing a sermon when you get really sick of what you've written. often you're hit with the thought that what you've written is complete crap. usually when that happens, there's nothing else you can do, but just stop worrying about it. i'm hoping that this time, more than any other, i will feel the most at ease speaking what i've prepared. i also hope that people will be receptive and they will really consider my christmas challenge.

 

tell her she has none to fear
(there is none to fear).

phone

since moving into the exile almost a year ago, i haven't spent much time in our kitchen. one of my favourite rooms at the maxi pad was the kitchen, and i'd sit in there quite a lot. our kitchen here is a different shape and although it has more counter space and cupboards, it has less hanging out room. BUT this evening, i cleared the table, which is sadly mostly used as a dumping zone, and set about working on a puzzle. i'm very pleased. admittedly, the puzzle is a challenging one, and my eyelids are starting to get heavy, but i'm encouraged that this is the beginning of a new dynamic between me and the kitchen.

when puzzle building i always like to listen to musicals. i have three that i rotate between... 1) sound of music, 2) my fair lady, 3) fiddler on the roof. it's kind of like listening to a book tape, only you don't have to listen closely and i can sing along if i feel like it.

it's rather dull in town, i think i'll take me to paree.

crayon

this weekend rachel and i took a roadtrip to the one of a kind show in toronto. everything we saw there was beautiful and inspiring, and quite expensive. often we would see something very lovely and concluded that we could make that ourselves. the problem is that we don't. but maybe that should be a motivation. one pleasant surprise was that we bumped into rachel greenwood, which is quite remarkable considering the size of that craft fair. had we not been taking a sit-break, we probably wouldn't have crossed pathes.

 

on sunday i went to the fat goose fair in ktown to pick up one thing in particular. so over all, i'm quite surprised to say that we're well on our way with our christmas shopping. and although it's still november, it's starting to feel like christmas, and i'm ok with that.

i've noticed that our house starts to feel small when it's messy. right now it's very messy. i have clothes everywhere and it's hard to see the floor, much less walk around, in our bedroom. i need to do something about this. this week is looking quite full, but i have to make tidying a high priority.

my right ear has been buzzing all day. it's quite annoying.
 
grace...
it's a name for a girl,
it's also a thought that changed the world.

guitar riff

so i got my hair cut.

there are two things i dislike about hair dressers...
1) when they tell me MY (natural) hair is unhealthy because it has split ends, meanwhile their hair is so overly treated it's a small miracle that it doesn't randomly break off.
2) when they straighten my hair. ESPECIALLY when i bring in a picture of what i want my hair to look like and it's NOT straight. they should at least ASK if i want it straightened. instead i have to patiently wait and then wash it again when i get home to style it myself.

i think i need to find a new salon to go to. the ladies at regis are either really out of touch or just incredibly lazy so they style everyone's hair the same way. i want something EDGY, with character, not something 'off the rack'. ugh. thankfully, after washing it AGAIN, i think it's turned out relevantly like i want it. mostly. but next time i'm going elsewhere. plus, i think they raised their prices.

does anyone know of a decent salon for less than thank 35 bux? i'm starting to think my best bet might be asking a novice hair-cutting friend to do it for me. i bet all the really edgy hair cuts i see out there are either VERY expensive or completely free.

i've gotta go. my date is badgering me to get out the door. we're going to see the life of pi in 3D.

bangin' on the bongoes like a chimpanzee.

shaggy

i've decided to get my hair cut. well, cut isn't really the right word. there will be cutting involved, but it's not so much the length as the style. lately i've found that my hair has gotten quite long and the weight of it just pulls it flat. i'd like it to have more volume and body. actually, i'd like it to have more character. i'm excited, but this is a pretty big step because i've never really had a hairstyle before. it's always just been long or growing out to long. i hope i like it. and i hope that it's easy to maintain. i can get away with being quite delinquent with my hair cuts when it's just long, because it just gets longer. with a hairstyle, it will need to keep some form of shape.

this is KIND OF what i have in mind. minus the colour. thoughts?

 

sarah and i had a long chat about hair, hair cuts, and hair styles last evening. i feel very pumped for change of some kind. frig... it's just hair right? it grows back. besides, i think the change would do me good. i think becoming more comfortable with change would do me good. i remember when i first joined facebook that changing my profile pic stressed me out. i don't feel that way anymore. i dunno, maybe that's not great, but having anxiety around change is unproductive and an unnecessary burden.

 

onwards and upwards, i say!

 

i move slow and steady,
but i feel like a waterfall.

moist

i suppose it's murphy's law. but just when i need my window scraper i don't know where to find it.

on tuesday nights, brendan works in napanee and i volunteer at KGH. sometimes he can get a drive with his colleague, but about half the time she's already there so he needs the car. we've worked out a pretty good system. i park in the underground parking lot, and he comes to fetch it there. so far it's worked out great. so after my patient visits, i walk home and usually pick up some dinner for myself because i just need something quick and easy because i'm hungry by 6:30. i quite enjoy these walks home. my solo dinners. i like spending time with b, i never grow tired of him, but i also like spending time by myself. so it's a win-win. i had a nice evening last night visiting. i think it felt particularly rewarding because people actually told me how encouraged they were and how good it was to have engaging conversation. i spent time with a woman who was 106!! that's the oldest patient i've visted so far. she was pretty sweet, and only confused because i'd woken her up from a nap (i'm supposed to wake people because the less they sleep in the day the better they sleep at night.

sometimes i think about things like the phrase "on the lam" and wish i could go on the lam just so i could use the phrase "on the lam" in an actual sentence.

how are things with you, i wonder.
 
it had a son that mowed the lawn.

shot

well... i got audited. as soon as i saw a letter for me from the CRA, i knew something was up. thankfully i was able to locate my 2011 tax return with relative ease. this morning i printed out a few copies of receipts, then sent them off in the mail. part of me is worried that they might get lost in transit. but that's just me being anxious again.

i recently spent some time reading about worry and anxiousness. it pointed out that worry is basically the refusal to accept uncertainity. the site i was reading gave me 4 questions to work through, to really ask myself if uncertainty is really all that bad (i concluded that it isn't). and the funny thing is... even though there's a lot in life that we don't or can't know, the one thing that is certain is that i'm going to be ok. no matter what, i will cling to what is good. i will know peace in hard times. even if my worst fears were realized, i would cope and i'd probably cope surprisingly well. things are never as bad as we imagine them to be. i ended up concluding that there's no sense in me sitting and stewing. being afraid of this or that really won't make one ounce of difference. and even if it helped "prepare" me, which i doubt, i'd still have to experience it for what it is. so i guess that is to say... if my tax receipts go missing, i'd either contact the charities and ask them to issue me new ones, or i'd pay the difference. no big deal and seriously not worth me making my self sick with stress.

i think that's what i'm going to do from now on. when i find myself worrying, i will imagine what my response will be if my negative projections come true, then grab onto the reality that it'll be ok. what-ifs are not worth my time. or yours, for that matter!

 

hold my hand, i'll walk with you, my dear.

suitcase

it feels really good to be on the ball. it's only been a few days, but i've been really proactive lately. i hate the feeling of having something hanging over my head that i need to do. so lately i've been thinking "now... is there anything outstanding that i need to address". so i sent a thank you card to my dad's friend, contacted the newspapers and asked them to stop delivering to our house, made an inquiry into a christmas gift for audrey. it's really great not procrastinating.

sometimes when volunteering at the hospital i get more than i bargained for. that's ok though, i guess. i feel that my years of life-drawing class prepared me for unceremonious exposure to people's body parts.

now that we're at mid-november i find myself counting down to my year-end holidays. maybe it's just the affect of november. a sort of nothing month that feels like a bus tranfer station on your way to something else. and although the end of december will bring with it good things, i don't want to impatiently fast-forward through all the joys of daily life til then.

 

the floor under our feet whispers out,
"come on in, come on in, where it all begins."

renew

well... i installed a new showerhead in the bathroom yesterday. i wasn't sure if it was going to work properly, and i needed brendan's help to tighten the fixture to eliminate a small leak in the connection. but after all that was done, i gave it a try and was delighted by the improved showering experience. the spray is really nice and the angle is pretty ideal. our shower is pretty small, but this new showerhead makes it feel more roomy since the spray doesn't go everywhere. i actually have room to breath and shampoo my hair. i'm very pleased. i hope brendan approves of it too. he liked the old showerhead, so it would suck if he didn't like this one as much in comparison.

i actually took a long weekend. i had a lieu day left over from my time in calgary so i decided to pick a weekend between thanksgiving and my christmas holidays. it was really nice. i did a bunch of running around - i usually hate doing errands, but it's really not that bad when you have enough time and the errands are not cutting into my time doing other things. i love having days off after sundays. and the nice thing was that i felt ready to return to work this morning.

lately i've been really into this icelandic band 'of monsters and men'. ever since i heard them the first time i've considered them a hybrid of stars and edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros. the more i listen, the more i'm amazed how consistently they remind of that combination. i really like them. for me, i think that's a perfect combo. funnily enough, when b and i were in costa rica, we heard one of their songs on the radio. the world is small.

 

though the truth may vary
this ship will carry
our bodies safe to shore.

peace

I'm lying on the love seat, playing solitaire on my ipod, and listening to U2. I really don't think I could be more content than I am right now. In this thin space. Where everything good is possible and worry has no place.

I used that Oxford comma just for you ;)

Later tonight, shanno and I are going to the casino for our annual trek to give them chump change and drink (caffeine) for free. Wish us luck!

If I had the option for italics, I would quote this... "Let's take a chance, baby, we can't lose."

Sent from my iPod

poppyseed

our little house has a small addition on the front - a small foyer. the foyer was added just before we bought the house and because it was tacked on 70 odd years after the house was built, it doesn't have any heating duct work in it. it does however, have a small built in space heater. that said, us lorimers are too thrifty to actually use the spaceheater. so instead we lived in a somewhat chilly home all last winter. this was a stark contrast to our last home where we could not control the heat and lived in tropical temperatures all year long.

last year during our open house, tim and tracy suggested we install a blanket or curtain over the opening to the foyer to stop the warm house-air from getting sucked into the chilly foyer. that seemed like a good idea, but it wasn't something we got around to doing til yesterday. we now have a wool blanket separating the two spaces, and the difference is quite dramatic. i'm extremely pleased. my next attempt at keeping out the cold will be to buy or make some winter curtains, because whenever i'm beside a window (either in bed or on the couch) i feel a chilly draft. they're not even old windows. i haven't actually heard of 'winter curtains' before, but i'm sure they existed back in the days before central air.

further on the home-improvement/efficiency front, i'm about to head to canadian tire to buy a new showerhead. while brendan loves our shower because it's so tall that he can stand comfortably under it, i find that it's just high-enough that at my height i can't escape the spray when trying to shampoo my hair. but more importantly, we need a showerhead with a hose for filling buckets, cleaning paint trays and the like.

 

that is all.

 

it's all i see these days.

slow

sometimes, and i mean on the very rare occasion i wish that brendan or i had a mobile phone. believe it or not, he just called me on a pay phone from the cat centre. the thought of him being at the cat centre alone is very funny and kind of ironic.

lately i feel like my life has found a good rhythm. not too busy, not too full. i've noticed an increase in my desire for social interaction, which probably means that i'm well rested and well adjusted. it's good. i'm encouraged. we've started having folks for dinner regularly. last friday we had david and sue over, it was really fun and the four of us chatted til 10:00. having guests over always requires a bit of creativity since we don't having a dinning table, but i find the more we do it the more comfortable we get and the easier it becomes.

since life is moving along at a content rate, i find i have less to write about. this is the only downside really. i get a great deal of pleasure out of writing. debriefing. downloading the contents of my head. when i was in highschool, and i'd decided to pursue graphic design as a profession i started doing more painting and the like. art was something i always wanted to do more of. it was something that i wanted as a natural part of my life. but truthfully... was always something i had to push myself to do. how i know that brendan is a true musician and not just a music enthusiast is that he plays for the pure pleasure of it. at any time of day i will find him strumming his guitar in his own little world. sometimes, to my amusement, i'll find him playing a guitar while it still sits in it's wall mount, as though he couldn't wait the extra time to take it down before playing it. music is to brendan what i wanted art to be to me. it's the thing he does by instinct. i love graphic design, very much, but my instinct is writing. it's the thing i can't go without doing for days (if i'm not blogging, i'm writing for work, or writing emails). writing helps ground me, soothe me, connect me. so when i don't have time for an entry, or have nothing of note to say, i'm disappointed. maybe i'll need to do writing exercises - find a topic and just write on it when i don't have anything myself to report on. i just don't feel like myself if i'm not writing.

man, i stand by what i said the other day about this yogurt. it's delicious!

 

through autumn's advancing,
we'll stay young, go dancing.

naturist

last night we carved pumpkins with andrew and shannon. brendan had never carved a pumpkin before, and he did NOT like the scooping out the insides part. funnily enough, when i mentioned this to his mom today she said she didn't realize he'd never carved a pumpkin before. that they used to do it as a family, and thought he'd helped, but in hindsight it was ben. she said he didn't like to do "yucky" things. he hasn't changed.

we worked together on our pumpkin, while andrew and shannon each worked on their own. pickings were a little slim at the grocery store, all really big pumpkins. but i managed to find two medium sized ones for the cardiffs, and took a big one for brendan and myself. in the end, we ended up with three super pumpkins that we'll put on our stoop tomorrow night.

i really wanted to dress up as the girl in 'short skirt, long jacket', but it'll be cold out and i haven't gotten around to planning the costume. i really like the idea of having finger nails that shine like justice. i'd probably paint them bright red or something, but i want to crochet tonight and that would be problematic. i'm currently working on a purse, and so far it's pretty good. my one concern is that i often work hard on a project, then don't wear it very often. i hope i like this purse when i'm finished and use with frequently. the problem with knitted or crocheted bags is things like pens fall out. i'm considering putting in a lining, but haven't yet decided if i want to take it that extra step further.

lately, just on tuesdays when i start work early to accommodate my shift at the hospital, it's still completely dark out when i leave the house. it looks like it's 10:00 at night, and that i made some kind of error with my alarm clock.

some days it's just really natural and easy to believe everything's going to be ok.

all those sleepless nights,
and all those wasted days.

maybe

i've got to tell you about this new yogurt we've been eating. i almost feel like a cliche saying this, like i'm some kind of advert, but it's the best yogurt i've ever had. it makes all the other yogurts out there seem like garbage. it's so frickin flavourful! this morning as i was scooping it into a container to bring to work for a snack i licked the spoon and thought "there's no way yogurt could taste like this naturally". but when i looked on the box it said it's made with no artificial colours or flavours! i feel like it's the david's tea of yogurt. plus, i like that it's canadian and owned by the dairy farmer's cooperative of canada.

last night brendan and i went to farm boy with the gift certificate his mom gave him for his birthday. my sister's niece was our cashier! anyway, we were pretty impressed with it. except things like crackers were pretty expensive, so we didn't buy those there. b didn't feel like cooking so we bought our dinner at the take-out section and ate in their dinning space. i opted for the salad bar, which more closely resembled a next church potluck then any salad bar i'd ever seen before. man, it was good. later when i was telling my dad about it, and he asked how much my salad came too, i said it'd been tricky to know how much i was getting because there was no weight scales. and he said "ya, it's a bit of a crapshoot" :D i've never heard my dad say crap or crapshoot before. i liked it a lot!

all in all, with our trip to farm boy, and the new level of angry birds that came with a recent update, i didn't get nearly as much done last night as i'd hoped. i haven't done a chore since monday. i'm starting to slack off. but in my defence, our house isn't really that big, so i find some things on the list are not necessary. other things, like cleaning out the fridge, are things i know need doing, but didn't get around to completing this week. i'm afraid i've left everything to saturday and then saturday lesley will be mad at weekday lesley. that's happened before.

 

i will wait, i will wait for you.

farm

i've been starting to notice a trend. people don't seem to like it when i tell them things that are true. it makes them angry at me. the most disheartening and frustrating thing about that is that i'm not a particularly frank person and it generally takes me reaching a breaking point before i actually say it. it's not like it's easy for me to tell someone that i see a problem, i don't relish that kind of conversation. i kind of feel like a person, even if they don't initially like what i'm saying, should try to fathom that it took a lot of courage for me to speak up and that i did it because i love them and want the best for them.

i know it's not that i'm just a complete jerk, because one time in particular i told a friend 'this is what i see' and she actually felt relieved and thankful that i'd broached the subject. until then she hadn't been able to admit it to herself. maybe that's part of the problem, why people get angry, because they haven't yet realized the situation they're waist deep in. that said, with my dear friend, while we'd had a candid and productive conversation it still took a couple years for her to fully get it out of her system.

what do other people do? do they ignore it when they see a loved one in a self-destructive situation? i can't imagine loving someone and standing by idly watching self-inflicted problems persist. i can think of times when my friends spoke into my life in real and meaningful ways when i needed it. one of my favourite lines from a plants and animals song is "it takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass". i agree with this 100%. that's partly what friends are for, we help one another along the way.

it's that important tension. finding the balance between too tight and too lose.

i want to shake,
i want to shake,
i want to shake,
i want to shake your hand.

range

i spent some time thinking about my parents today, and b's parents too. it was neat thinking of them not as parents but as people.

andy (brendan's dad) is a real feeler. he's in tune with nature and spirituality, and in general is a pretty enthusiastic person. and he's very proud of brendan.

nancy (b's mom) is passionate about the things she loves. like brendan, she loves good quality things. and she's very generous and shows love through serving others.

george (my dad) loves people. he connects with all sorts of people, but especially marginalized folks. he's well informed, interested in everything and is also pretty charming.

jan (my mom) cares about relationships. she's people oriented and reaches out to those who are hurting, lonely or left out. she's very funny, has a good sense of humour, lives pretty simply, and is very encouraging.

i'd say all four of them are pretty loyal as well. which is a great trait.

i feel very fortunate to have such dynamic, caring and interesting people in my life.

this is you
according to me.

suggestions?

joelle is 9 years old. and has recently gotten really into pioneers. last year, in grade 3, her class did a study on pioneers and has been semi-obsessed ever since. she really likes their simple, lo-fi life style. she likes outhouses and doesn't want to own a car when she's older, but instead just ride a bike. i'm really digging this, and really want to encourage her. i tried doing a search online for books for kids about how to live green. i'm not having much luck. i found one promising one, but when i flipped thru the contents it wasn't quite what i was looking for. instead i want something about composting, reduced energy consumption, exercise, local foods/gardening, home-made stuff and do it yourself ideas. has anyone come across anything like that?

teenaged

so i had a consultation today about braces. this is because of my loose baby tooth situation. i'd looked into how much it costs to just get braces on the top, and with my 50% coverage thru work it looked as though it would be around $600 (after my insurance). BUT no so. it turns out my teeth are pretty much worst case scenario. all of the moderate solutions (not the cheapest, but not the most expensive) are not options because we need to coax the adult tooth into place from it's current home in the roof of my mouth. i'd need braces for around 2.5 years and it would cost $7,000. which sucks.

basically my options are the whole shebang or do nothing. when my baby tooth falls out, apparently the adult tooth will move a little, but not much.

i'm kind of disappointed because i know i'd love to have this impacted tooth in it's proper place, but i don't know how much it's worth to me. on the upside, i could probably do it down the road if i don't do it now. i assume i'd only have to pay half, but i need to check. i feel pretty torn because in the grand scheme of things, compared to a down payment on a house or a university degree, $3,500 isn't THAT much. but from where i sit, it's a big chunk of a new-to-me car, it's an expensive trip, it's more than brendan's college tuition :S i kind of envy the fact that most people get their braces as teens with their parents paying, and therefore never have to make this kind of decision themselves.

i really liked the dentist though. part of me wants to go thru with it because i think he'd be enjoyable to work with. except he clearly thought i was much younger than i am, even though i'd say things like "i've had my job for 9 years" and "my husband and i bought a house on main street" and my age written as 32 years and 10 months was written on the paperwork. aside from that he was a super cool guy. like seriously. the most charismatic dentist i've ever met.

lately i've taken to playing solitaire on my ipod while singing along with the music on my ipod. this both puzzles and amuses brendan.

everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and your mine.

hypothetical

i had lunch with my mom today. she lives about a 6 minute drive from my work. when i arrived she commented that i looked taller, and i told her that she looked shorter. since we were both in sock feet that seemed very strange. so we stood side by side in the mirror and i was a good 2 inches taller than her. my mom and i have always been the same height. as she said, we've always been at eye level. how very strange. i think she's getting shorter. there's absolutely no reason why i'd be taller - people don't get taller when they're full grown. it stands to reason that she's just getting shorter with age. it's still a little odd that she'd drop by 2 inches at 66. if she keeps this up she'll be a whole foot shorter in the next decade.

i was 16 when i started living alone with my mom. joy moved out for a year in university, then came back for a year before she got married when i was 18. since my late teens my mom and i lived as housemates rather than kid and parent. this has created a dynamic of equals, and in recent years me teaching my mom a lot of things. i've often attributed this with my lack of fear of authority figures. anyways, we sat and chatted over lunch, with me giving her feedback and advise. and at the end she told me i was very wise and that she appreciated me. i think sometimes i take our relationship for granted and want to be the kid and her the all-knowing parent. but i suppose we can't both be equals AND parent+child. i'll just adjust my expectations and be gentle with her when she doesn't know all the answers... or even all the problems.

 

we see the exact same sunrise.

target

so yesterday i went for some massage therapy. i was hoping for a full body massage, but since it was massage therapy they ask you what your problem areas are and work those specifically. so i ended up having just a back, shoulders and neck massage. still it was super great. at one point my legs jerked funny and the massuse said "oh, did i hit a nerve there?" and i had to admit that i'd started to doze off. i regularly fall asleep on massage tables and yoga mats. i'm really glad i went. i get really tight tension knots in my shoulders. she gave me some advise on how to manage that.

as i drove home, i enjoyed feeling like complete mush. massages are good.

however, i made the mistake of starting my new pilates workout afterwards. i really enjoyed the pilates. it was just a half-hour, and was super conveinent. during some of the poses i started to remember the things i didn't enjoy about pilates when i took it years ago. thankfully, one of the unique traits about pilates is that each exercise doesn't last very long. now where the mistake comes in is that instead of having a nice soft and relaxed body today after my massage, my muscles are sore from pilates :S that said, my tender muscles serve as evidence of a solid workout. i think i'll try to do it every other day throughout the fall and winter. man, the internet is pretty great sometimes.

that said, i've been getting pretty annoyed at all the pornographic pop-ups on the site i watch tv shows. honestly, if someone wanted to watch porn they'd look it up. why do they need to lure people who are not interested? it's really troubling.

 

you forgave and i won't forget.

andre the baby

it seems that fall has really truly arrived. the hill on taylor-kidd has gone orange.

i've been trying to learn to like dried apricot. it's a stupid story – not worth telling. and despite the fact that i hate their texture and taste, i snacked on one or two at various times throughout my work day. i figure that after enough time has passes i'll get used to them, then eventually like them. there's no particular reason for this, other than i want to like them.

so i've come up with a winter exercise plan to replace jogging. i'm going to do pilates at home. i've found a video online and i'll do that to work my muscles. i think that's a good substitute. i'm going to start tomorrow... after my massage! i'm going for a massage because my work benefits cover massages done by proper massage therapists. i'm pretty psyched.

while i'm not a person who worries, i am someone who prepares for the potential of unfortunate things. most frequently i worry about things being stolen, but i worry about other things too. now that brendan works in napanee on tuesdays, he needs to pick up the car at KGH because that's when i do my volunteer shift. we came up with a good arrangement, but there was part of me that was concerned about what would happen if he couldn't find the car because the plan is that i'll park in a general area rather than one specific spot. so there i was fretting about this, when i remembered that there's like a 93% chance that what i was worrying about wasn't going to happen. so then i felt much better. not worrying about stuff is awesome.

on my way home, i saw her thru her living room window. it made me smile and happy. i'm glad she's well and back at home. it's good.

that's the way to my heart.

chuffy

brendan and i have talked theoretically about having a wine tasting party for quite some time. after a relaxing summer evening of sharing a wine bottle with robb, the three of us decided to set a date and just do it! so we decided on brendan's birthday, although it ended up being the night before brendan's birthday because we couldn't invite all of our friends to the wine party. since our space is small, we thought a group of 6 or 7 people would be best.

so friday night arrived and so did our guests all dressed up in their fancy attire. afterwards, someone commented on facebook that "the costumes were great" but we were actually just fancy. brendan even bought a monocle. it was awesome.

we provided the wine and everyone else brought cheese and a snack to share. brendan and i were both blown away by the quality and variety of cheeses. and although we still have plenty of cheese left over, together we did eat more than half. it's fair to say that none of us had ever eaten so much cheese at one time.

the wine tasting portion of the evening was very fun. prior to the event, i developed a score card with questions that included traditional wine tasting questions along with creative questions. these included...

if this wine was a person, what would its name be, what would it wear, what would it say, what would its job be.
if this wine was a movie, what would it's genre be.
and if this wine was a song, who would sing it.

we tasted our way through six bottles (not entire bottles, we still have wine left over too) and had a really fun time hearing each other's answers. when we were finished that portion we played a round of apples to apples with the six wines and andrew was the judge and had to pick the best based on our arguments. by that time the distinction of each wine had gotten muddled together, so we ended up just arguing based on the names. in the end, rachel won for arguing for the bottle made by robb's mom. shannon may have lost points for saying robb's mom's name sounded like a street drug.

andrew was a super good sport. he doesn't drink alcohol at all, but we provided him with a spitoon and he upheld a long tradition of tasting and spitting. he also rated the wines very fairly and didn't just say they all tasted like dirt. i think the key was when he said he had to remember not to expect it to taste like juice. very true.

the evening just flew by and we played a very lethargic game of apples to apples that led straight into brendan's actual birthday. my precious b is 24 :) i've always said about younger men... they don't STAY young. wait a second... i don't think i've ever had a relationship with someone older than 23 before. hahahahaha.

anyways, i feel like our wine tasting party has given us more confidence as hosts. i look forward to a future filled with guests in our house.

 

pour me a glass of wine,
talk deep into the night,

who knows what we'll find.

refer

yesterday on a long non-interactive conference call at work, i googled 'exercises at work' and found all these instructions on how to work out in your desk. i spent the rest of the call and morning moving my body. so much so that my legs and bum felt sore from my 'workout'. i was all jazzed and set to make this part of my regular routine, but failed to do so today. short lived plan i guess. but who knows, i might pick it up more in the future.

speaking of new plans... my daily light cleaning is going very well. it's nice because we've had company twice since i started, and because the house was already tidy and clean i didn't feel overwhelmed or embarrassed. since the 30 days of cleaning is spread out over six weeks i'm encouraged that i'll be able to adopt it into daily practise. apparently it takes 23 days to form a habit, so this should be a doable goal.

brendan started his job on tuesday. he'd been feeling pretty nervous about it, and it kind of climaxed in the 5 minutes leading up the first session. but he heldfast thru his panic and after that all tension left him. by the time he arrived home he was just beaming. it was awesome. i really couldn't ask for anything more. i'm so pleased for him.

you know... this week as i've been thinking about hope, it also got me thinking about worry. i know i've written before about how they say that 93% of the things we worry about don't come to fruition. 93%! in the past i worried a lot about the 7% coming true. but i think i'm done with that. worry really does take away from quality and enjoyment of life. 93% is pretty much an A+. i can live with that and let the 7% slide.

 

things will get better if you believe in love,

believe in hope,

believe in the way you feel.

survey

i could really go for some fresh baking right now or simply the smell of baking in the air.

it's gotten really cold out. last night when i went to bed the air was so cold that it felt like i was camping. under the blankets i was ok, but my face and head were very chilly. i don't like this. the front foyer of our house is not heated, but it does have a separate heater built in. but we're too frugal to pay for the extra heat. so i think what we'll need to do is get a wool blanket and hang it across the doorway to stop the warm air from getting sucked out into the foyer. the house was at 69 degrees but felt much cooler.

brendan and i went to see looper yesterday at the movies. it was really good. one of those films that sticks with you for days afterwards. i kind of want to see it again.

i can't believe how cold it is. i think i've forgotten what winter is like. i'm going to need to make some fingerless mitts for at home. speaking of things i've forgotten... it's been a while since i knitted or crochetted because my last project was such a nightmare. now that i've got a new project to work on, it feels weird and clumsy.

 

i don' wanna to stay...

i don' wanna go.

extract

i have many soundtracks to my life. songs, albums, bands that symbolize a time in my life. rock plaza central is the soundtrack of falling in love with brendan.

anyways...

my sister and i are very different in a lot of ways. our relationship could probably be described as tense, which isn't necessarily bad, but rather a precise dance. tension is a bit of a doubled-edged sword because it can bring strength and security – like on a tightrope for example. joy is a person of strong faith. she believes with the full intensity of her conviction. hope unswervingly. and say what you will, that has never failed her. there has been times when the tension of our relationship has been hard because the confidence of her faith has frustrated me. oh, me of little faith, who at times looks at her complete trust with cynicism. truth be told, sometimes i've been angry that her faith never wavers because she's never been let down. things always work out exactly as she plans. she's also someone who is incredibly grateful. she knows that she is fortunate.

tonight as we drove home from our thanksgiving feast i thought to myself that maybe it would do me good to trust fully like joy does. to believe that everything will work out and not waste time worrying about the what-ifs. i'd like to exchange my 30% hope (ok, maybe it's more like 10-30% hope) for 100%. i have no reason not to believe everything is going to be ok. because so far so good. and if three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, i'd focused on my hope rather than bracing myself for the worst, i probably could've saved myself a lot of tears and sorrow. i suspect that hope would've fueled me rather than experiencing the drain of discouragement.

i wonder if a person can choose to be hopeful, or if it's either part of their make-up or isn't. well... i'm gonna try to choose hope. it's scary. i always try to brace myself for let down, so it's kind of counter-intuitive for me to let go. but like i said... so far so good. i think i can step on that glass floor and trust it's not going to give out from under me. even though it defies logic.

i'll give you all that i've got
and lay it all on the line.

locomotive

lately i've noticed that people laugh when i'm not joking. i say something with complete seriousness but people laugh because they find it funny. it's not bad. i know they're not laughing at me, and that it's probably a sign that they enjoy my company. i suppose that somethings are funny, even when they're true - sometimes BECAUSE it's true. i remember talking with my mom years ago and she remarked that i'm funny because i tell a good story. i'm not particularly a jokey person who can say a well-timed zinger, but i tell a story in a humorous way. maybe that's all it is. why i make people laugh when i'm being serious.

lately koe-koe has been super cuddly. he laid on the couch with me the other night for a long while and didn't even squirm or try to bite me. then that night he laid beside me in bed when i was going to sleep. i like it. it reminds me a little of having a dog. i don't know if this will be a new normal for him or he was just in need of some company just then.

 

wanderin' aimless - or so it seems.

superwoman

the website apartment therapy regularly amazes me. the other day it had instructions on how to clean your house in 20 minutes for 30 days. it provided a list of 30 days for what you should clean and how much cleaning (surface cleaning vs deep cleaning, etc). so i wrote it them down on the calendar and have commited to completing these tasks over the next month and a half (i excluded weekends so it went into november). i really like this plan and hope i can adopt it. i've definitely tried in the past to impliment small amounts of cleaning into my regular routine only to fall out of sync. i need a bit more structure than i myself can provide. the biggest problem i had is after about 3 days or so, i'd 'run out' (if in actuality or my imagination i'm not sure) of things to clean. i like that this list helps me think of things i never would've before. i'm very pleased. last night i got a lot done - with putting away my laundry (approx. 2.5 weeks after washing it), working on the shed and completing yesterday's 20 minute task of surface cleaning the living room and kitchen. not too shabby. the house already looks remarkably tidier and the tidiness makes it feel stress-free.

my early start to the morning gave me a glimpse of a small rainbow. it was nice. it surprised me because it hadn't even rained last night, but maybe that just makes it extra special.

 

where is your bird tattoo,

send me your blue hat.

dense

some days you take your car in for preemptive maintenance to then be told it needs $1,800 worth of work.

some days the sun shines while you're indoors.

some days you start assembling your new shed only to find it doesn't take the 7 hours you were told it would take, rather 9 to 10 hours.

some days love is not enough to repair what was long ago broken.

some days cups of tea just don't taste the same as they used to.

some days you just have to keep on waiting.

some days you've just got to weigh the options

some days you have to remind yourself that a car repair is still cheaper then a year of car payments.

some days the thought of menial household chores is very appealing.

some nights you dream your hopes and your worries.

some nights you spoon.

sometimes complaining about something takes longer then just getting the something over with.

my trouble is

my troubles aren't real.

dusting

i was telling andrew and shannon the other day that i feel a need to change my wardrobe. i have too many samey-cotton shirts. last year i started buying wool sweaters and i liked that. but this summer i was not happy with my clothes. i think i'll need to do something about that next spring. anyways, i decided that i was overdue for treasure hunting at thrift stores. i'd like to get rid of some of my cottony shirts and replace them with different textures. so i walked over the the sally anne today and totally lucked out! all clothing, linens and shoes were 50% off! so walked away with two hands full of new outfits at the reduced price! PLUS, i got this little glass dessert dome like andrew and shannon have that i'd just recently been thinking we could use something like it. the key to treasure hunting is taking the time to look in EVERY section of the store.

on the way home i popped into coffee way to buy brendan a boston cream donut because he probably wouldn't forgive me for walking past it's front door and bring him a donut.

i must be going. we're about to start assembling out new fancy shed that we got for 10% off! i'm guessing it will take around 3 to 7 hours to complete, and that b and i will communicate poorly at least once. we've named it 'shedrach'.

how do i get there with these old feet?

rejected

i've just had another colleague die! and earlier in the week a colleague's wife died. i hope this completes the series of three and we won't have any more deaths for a while.

yesteday at the wellness fair at work, i got my cholesteral, blood sugar, BMI and blood pressure checked. i was pleased to discover that i'm quite healthy! i was in the right range in each category, which was encouraging. lately i've decided that i need to come up with more creative evening snacks. i'm having to think outside the box because the only two things i remember for having as an evening snack as a kid was chips and raisins. quality and wholesome snacks is not particularly a tradition in my family, before sunday lunch my mom often serves potato chips. with the results from the wellness fair i feel very affirmed to keep working at improving my eating habits and be creative.

sometimes it seems that bands are hit and miss. on one album there might be a handful of stellar songs and a handful of less then stellar songs. i kind of don't like that.

on sunday, living room starts up again. this will be the last year under my leadership. in the spring i had a conversation with rach about her garden, and she was taking this summer off to let her soil rest because it had been seven years. afterwards, i was thinking that living room has been going seven years, and i definitely felt it was time to turn the soil. so i called together some long-term key living roomers with garry and we chatted, but came to no clear conclusion. the summer went on and garry resigned as pastor from next church. after which, i decided i'd give one more year, making it my official final year of leadership and leave the seat open to someone else. i feel good about this decision. i want to finish well and i think having clear expectations is fair for my group mates.

i'm looking forward to this weekend. brendan and i are going to buy and assemble a shed that will take up residence at the end of our driveway. i'm excited about this and did a lot of investigating different sizes and styles. i'm thankful how multifunctional our driveway is. i like that having limited space forces me to be resourceful and not wasteful.

paperbag shoes tied 'round these old feet.

alligator

i stayed home with a headcold today. feeling all congested and such. i haven't had a cold in a long time so i thought it was reasonable for me to lay low so that it goes away faster. it seems to be working. today has involved a lot of sleeping and lying around. soup and a hot shower. i think i'll be well for work tomorrow.

some matters in life are big and intimidating. i've been doing a lot of reflecting on the future, the present, the past. it sometimes makes me feel too little and i don't like it. in some ways it's nice not having any control over how things play out, but in other ways life feels like a roller coaster that whips me around in a frenzy and leaves me feeling motion sick. after much thought and reflecting i've kind of concluded that the best thing i can do is go limp. you know... being tense makes us more likely to get whiplash. instead i'll just let the chips lie... let them lie where they may. this probably makes no sense. i'm totally combining many different thoughts into one paragraph :p

i think i have some cabin fever. i need some stimulation. this evening we're going to andrew and shannon's place for dinner. we've implemented a twice a month dinner date like we had back when b, shannon and andrew all lived together. i'm looking forward to some external conversation.

so let go,
jump in,
whatcha waiting for?

upgrade

maybe it's just me, because i like to listen to songs on repeat, but it's really annoying when a song i like is followed by a song i dislike (or even worse... is super sad). i start to associate them and end up hearing the other more much than i'd like.

this weekend we were up at echo lake camp for the next retreat. it was really fun and memorable. this year my weekend was quite busy with other activities in addition to the retreat. so it required a great deal of juggling, paired with a go-with-the-flow attitude. sometimes we can't know how things are going to play out, so it's best to just roll with it. that makes life much easier, or at least more relaxing.

on friday night, we assembled our tent in the dark - quickly and very unmeticulously. it ended up raining all night, thunder storming at points and sounding like a tornado at other points. last summer at bon echo b and i camped thru a super scary and dangerous thunderstorm. after that, everything else seems like no big deal. or at least it does to me. for brendan, the rain on friday night was really stressful and made him feel panicky. he got next to no sleep and woke me up repeatedly with concern out the water getting inside. at 4 something in the morning i said to him "brendan, what are we going to do about it right now??" that kind of helped and he seemed to resign his concerns to some extent. in hindsight, i learned that b isn't at his best outside his regular routine or in undesirable circumstances. and i learned that i'm fairly rugged and less easily phased. when facing an unpleasant situation with no alternative options, i just make the best of it.

we spent the next day with no place to lay our heads and not really worrying about it. at around midnight when we arrived back at camp from a kathleen edwards concert in kingston, we ended up taking our sleeping mats and sleeping bags into the unused tuck shop and slept in the small space between the wall and the chest freezer. it was perfectly adaquate and we slept very well.

i took a nice long walk by myself to classic video last night in the dark. it was lovely and reminded me that i need to walk alone more often after sunset. it's very condusive to thought. i was reflecting on the weekend and thought a little about an observation bren made. she told me "you interact with babies like they're people". at first i didn't really understand what she was talking about, because obviously they are people. but she said most people are drawn to picking up babies and cuddling babies the same way they do with puppies. as things to be cuddled. i think she's right. i feel no more desire to cuddle a baby then i do to cuddle their parents.

 

we got nothing to lose.

wheelie

this has been a bit of a bittersweet week. it's been sad with the loss of david, but happy with brendan's new job. i got more good news today. i got promoted! this has been in the works for a little while, but it came thru quicker than i expected. i was hoping it would be official by christmas, but i was offered the new contract today. i'm very pleased. my new title will be 'communications coordinator'. i was hoping for communications specialist because it implies that what i do is specialized, but HR has weird rules about these things, so communications coordinator it is. it's a step in the right direction. in fact, it's several.

i'm very excited because there's been a few things i've been waiting to do until my promotion was finalized. first... there's a new rattling sound on the car that should be looked at. second... we need a shed for our bikes, the wagon and such. thankfully it's the time of year when things like sheds are going on sale, so i've seen several significantly marked down.

so it turns out that my sore throat the other day was not a cold, but acid reflux. this has happened a few times this year. it's made my voice all scratchy. b says i sound like an old man who's a smoker.

now that it's getting colder, darker and wetter outsider, i'm losing my momentum with jogging. maybe i'll just be an april to october jogger. it's disappointing because my legs were starting to get muscular and that's already disappearing. this is the downside to exercising outdoors.

 

today we say good-bye to david. the flags have been at half-mast all week. bittersweet.

 

i will miss your heart so tender.

bend

i've just found out that my friend and colleague david ferrence died suddenly.

 

i'm so sad. david was this quirky old man, who saw himself as quite the lady's man, even though he wasn't. instead, he was kind and intelligent and good conversation. i miss him a lot already. i don't have a lot of people at work who i consider my friends, but david was one of them. i even invited him to my wedding and he came.

 

he was 70 years old. he'd come by my cubical and we'd google stuff together. things like cranberries and the prairies. we'd talk about books, home-improvements and share bits and pieces from our lives. i went to his house for dinner once, back when april and mayelin were still around. the three of us got giggling when we saw in the dining room a bottle of "motion lotion", but never asked him about it. he lived on portsmouth, in a lovely little white house. i point it out to brendan each time we drive past that he now knows without my telling him.

 

ferrence loved smoking with pipes, but had given it up years ago because it's bad for your health. he was a sloppy dresser, but it didn't matter. man, i'm going to miss him. i'll think of him all my life. he might actually be my first friend to die. my first loss of a friend. i hope he knew that i enjoyed his company. i don't feel we're done yet. we there's still so many conversations yet to be had. i wish i could've hugged him and said good-bye. but i guess sometimes we don't get that opportunity. so instead of a period at the end of a sentence, my time with david ends with an ellipsis...

montage

i haven't been adjusting to being back in my home time zone. It's been taking forever for me to fall asleep and it's super hard to get up in the morning. plus, i have a mildly sore throat. i wonder if it would be a cold if it wasn't for my multivitamins. i used to get colds every two months, then emma told me to start taking multivitamins and i haven't had a cold since last november or december. that said, i don't really like the lingering pre-cold i've got going on right now. i'd prefer to either have a cold or not.

so brendan got a job! he wasn't even looking. i can't remember if i wrote much about his job search in may. it was a stressful time for us and one that made me frustrated and disillusioned. however, after about 3 or 4 weeks of that, we switched gears. sometimes actively waiting for something makes it that much more apparent that it hasn't arrived yet. so i figured we just needed a distraction. b needed to find a new routine and if a job came along then great, if not that's fine too. so he spent the summer at rustle, helping to run the store and such. it was a very enriching experience for him and he enjoyed himself very much. then, at the end of the summer his teacher sent him a job posting and told him to apply for it. he was pretty reluctant after having had such a negative time job search in the spring, but after his teacher sent it to him the second time urging him to call, he did and everything has gone smoothly since then. it's funny sometimes how certain things just feel right from the get-go. anyways, he'll be co-facilitating a PAR group (partner assault response) over a 16 week program. i'm super proud of him. this next semester is going to be saturated with social work experiences, i'm sure it will be extremely beneficial and rewarding too.

i don't consider myself a controlling person (but who knows, most controlling people don't). instead i struggle because i frequently dream up a scenario that i think is perfect and have become disappointed when it doesn't work out that way. however, once i've adjusted to that disappointed i'm a-ok with the change. thankfully i've enjoyed many great surprises so i've grown to be quite open to different possibilities. usually my day dreams are based on the current possibilities and how i imagine things unfolding. these day dreams changed as the circumstances change. i've actually found that life is much more interesting and exciting when things don't go according to plan. had brendan got the job i'd hoped he'd get at the end of april we wouldn't have had the valuable and enriching summer we did have. where we let go, we just rolled with it, we made the most of the circumstances, and we learned to trust that everything was going to be ok.

 

we all do what we can.

cold feet

you know those times in high school math when you thought you'd never need to know *this* in real life?? well... i need to figure out the length of one side of a triangle based on the lengths of the other two sides. i seem to recall this was my preferred kind of high school math, but it's a lot less simple than i remember it. i actually resorted to drawing the triangle, then measuring the side, but it's not at all the same results as i get using math. hmph.

 

i'm on a losing streak.

*sigh*

I'm in t.o. I'm actually walking while typing because I don't wanna sit down again after a longish flight. For the first time ever, I'm not looking forward to another trip. I just wanna be home for a while. I better understand why my colleagues complain about traveling so much. I miss home. I miss my partner. I miss my friends.

I remember Sarah saying once that places visited are made special by the people they're shared with. My feeling right now is that calgary was just ok. My experience may have been different if shared. However, I've travelled alone enough times to know that it's not just my companions that make an experience enjoyable. It often has to do. With how alive it made me feel. If it broke me from a rut. That did not happen. Probably because I wasn't in need of a lift.

I'm back at work tomorrow. I have two lieu days from last weekend that I'll use later.

Blah. I'll bet you that this next flight - although only an hour - will feel longer than my last four hour flight.

Sent from my iPod

Stampede

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I stayed in bed til 6:45, then got up for a jog. It was the perfect temperature and I enjoyed getting to see more of the city. Afterwards, I went swimming in the hotel pool. All this before 9 am! It's been relaxing and fun, but also a little boring. I'm sure tomorrow will be more busy after the event opens tonight.

Sent from my iPod

Palliser

So I've arrived in Calgary and sending you a message from my iPod. It automatically adds caps to words. It's weird.

My flight was good. I watched 'take this waltz', which I've been interested in seeing. It was a little sad. It really struck me that people don't have to be unhappy to have an afraid, just growing apart from boredom. I know there are some who think it's silly to have boundaries in the bathroom with partners. But as demonstrated in that movie, other people can seem more appealing when they've never peed with you in the room (or vise versa). It's important to keep things fresh. While I miss Brendan already, it's probably good that we get to be apart every once and awhile, it makes coming back together that much more lovely.

Calgary is not what I excepted. It's still on the prairies and very flat. Plus, there's almost no trees. However, to the west there are some hills. When I imagine it covered in snow it looks a lot like iqaluit.

I've got to go. Marilyn and I are going over to the convention centre to see how set-up is going.

Sent from my iPod

dawn

i'm no expert, but it seems to me that my cats used my backpack as a litter box. this makes no sense to me, but my backpack reeks. i was about to pack for calgary, but that has been delayed. i'm so grossed out. it's not even like it smells a little bit, it smells a lot. the worse thing about cat pee is that it lingers for hours in your nose. my cats have never peed any where other than the litter box so this is really puzzling.

since i have no other options, i've put it in the washing machine hoping this will rid it of the scent and that it will dry out in time. i'm not completely confident that it won't end up damaging my backpack in the process, but there's no way it would be usable otherwise. i suppose mec backpacks have seen many a gross incident over time, and this is probably not the first time someone's tried running it thru the laundry.

yuck. my hands even smell.

oh, the wind, the wind is blowing.

spots

brendan and i have been really into angry birds lately. i downloaded it shortly after i got my ipod. it's super fun. we sit together taking turns - three each, then switch. it works really well. my favourite bird is the yellow triangle. he's has the most personality and seems to be the most angry. i guess the best word for him is assertive.

being a fan of the original nintendo, i've been pleasantly surprised to find that angry birds has done without all the things about super mario brothers that i don't like. such as the timer, only having 4 tries before you have to start over, having to start at the very beginning every time you turn it on. it's really a very clever game. with each level you have to figure out the key to strategically taking out all the pigs. it really works my brain! and i'm left feeling good, as though i've accomplished something - even though i haven't. it's fun/relaxing combined with the FEELING of accomplishing something, which i like.

b and i have some boundaries around angry birds. one time i got upset to find out he was playing without me. it was silly, but it felt like if he'd watched the latest episode of our current show without me. i wonder sometimes if it will still hold my interest after we finish the game or if i'll keep playing it. it's not like playing solitaire or something that is different every time. i guess that's why they keep coming out with new versions.

 

there were three of us this morning,
i'm the only one this evening.

apps

pekoe and i have been competing for the best seat in the house. this weekend i took some time to re-arrange furniture and move some things to the basement. i'm really pleased, the living room is much more spacious. i've been telling brendan that we don't need so much seating, but he didn't want to get rid of one of the blue chairs. so i moved one of them down into the foyer and turned it into a sun room. it's so lovely. the kitties sit out there in the sun and when it's my turn i like sitting listening to the wind in the trees. it's just a small difference, but one that really opens up our space. i like that it's always evolving and changing with us. it's funny because technically our place is very small - i regularly hear people complain about their small homes that are larger than ours (especially since we only live in 560 square feet) - but when it's tidy there's loads of space. often when i get up in the night to pee or for a drink of water, i catch a glimpse of our space in the moonlight and am struck once again by how charming it is.

emma submitted my new job profile for re-grading today. i don't know how long this process will take. i'm quite eager to know the outcome since i'm long overdue for a re-assessment. i hope i get at least 2 grades to compensate for forgetting to ask for a promotion in 2009. i don't want to get my hopes up though.

my running is going well. i'm now up to running for 3 minutes and walking for 4. yesterday was my first time. it was ok, even though my body felt heavy and slow. i can feel that my legs are getting stronger and firmer, even though the rest of me seems fairly unchanged. except i felt good when i woke up this morning, slightly more streamline.

i have to admit, leonard cohen is not the best singer. at times his voice strains like someone singing in the shower. but he's quite the poet though.

 

you were famous,

your heart was a legend.

wellington

it's interesting the snap shots that people remember. often times someone's words will impact me or stick with me long after they said them, and they probably don't even realize it.

i've been listening to leonard cohen a lot this week. another from the collection of cds gifted to us from my cousin. the album contains a song i didn't know, and for as much as my conscious self knew, i'd never heard it before. when a line caught my ear and threw me back to 8 years ago when i sat in the living room of a friend. i remembered a song was playing in the background and she commented on the lyrics. her remarks never left me, even though i didn't know the song. i don't think i even knew it was leonard cohen. but i accidentally found it. it feels a little like becoming acquainted with an old friend's friend. it made me miss her. made me extra fond of that moment.

last night brendan, robb and i sat around a country kitchen table drinking wine in the dark talking about deep and meaningful things. it was rich and lovely. it will turn into a lovely memory.

i remember you well.

midnight

i don't refer to myself as a pacifist. there's still too much flawed natural instinct inside me to be worthy of such a title. but i desire pacifism. i desire it for my heart, my actions, my country, the world. when given a choice, i choose pacifism. but still, right now it would be wrong for me to claim to be a pacifist because i'm still far too inconsistent, too immature. instead i consider myself a supporter of peace and a proponent for true humanity. i believe there's a better way. that we need to push thru our raw form and live better, choose better, be better than just raw. when we're kids we use our fists, when we're adults we use our words. imagine a grown adult in his or her work place resorting to kicking and biting when faced with conflict. they'd get fired! because that's insane! and yet violence is still considered a reasonable response to current world events. it's uncreative. it's unresourceful. and short-sighted. anything and everything that doesn't make the world a better place in the long term and the short term, for individuals and people groups, needs to be reconsidered and something more imaginative done instead.

 

love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

transition

man, i haven't been jogging since friday and i'm really jonesing for some exercise! i took saturday off because i'd already completed 3 runs that week. i wanted to go on sunday but then ended up taking a three hour nap! that's quite unlike me, but nancy served some intense campaigne in honour of audrey's first birthday. it made me sleepy. so sunday was shot, then monday it rained. i don't have a running armband for my ipod yet, so i didn't want to risk it falling out of my hand if it got slippery. i've looked at many different stores for armbands and haven't found one that i like yet. last week on my way home from work, i was stopped at a red light. on the corner were some joggers, by the looks of it they were a couple. the guy was wearing an armband, and it got me wondering where here got it and how much it was. after a few minutes of me watching them, i saw that the girl was staring back at me, and i realized the guy was topless and sweaty and she probably thought i was ogling him.

we're currently pet-sitting. we're taking care of andrew and shannon's two cats and one bunny, and taking care of stuart's cat. it's pretty funny. our cats are the fatest.

it's hard to believe that we're at the end of august. i've already flipped my calendar to september. brendan will soon start his second and final year of college, which is exciting. he has two placements this year, one at frontenac mental health services and one at the john howard society. they're both pretty tough, but i'm sure they'll be rewarding. his teachers are very confident in his ability, which is pretty assuring. i actually think they see his potiential more than he does.

all this waiting for the power,

for some answer to this fire.

knots

i've been pretty down in the dumps for the last 24 hours, maybe even 36 hours. i'm pretty sure it's pms related and it will pass, but it's hard in the meantime.

as i reflected more on my last post, i worried that it may have further alienated me from those around me. i am feeling super toxic at the moment and i hope i did not offend while i reflected on the differences between me and others. when i'm feeling low, undervalued and isolated, i tend to push people away. b was in a very confusing place last night, torn between trying to affirm and love me, and trying not to step on the TNT that is me right now.

i keep trying to do the things i expect will help me feel better - a walk, a shower, some writing, some praying, some sleep, some food - but nothing's really helps. i think i'm just going to have to ride it out. i suspect that my attempt to self-soothe is making me naval-gazing and it'd probably do me some good to think of others instead of me right now.

i've just had a flash of inspiration. while i can't change my circumstances, i can choose how i respond. i'm going to TRY to be positive and hopeful. maybe i feel displaced right now, like i don't know where i belong, but it won't be like this forever. this could be a good opportunity for me to find a new place.

 

he can sit along as my hair grows.

photoshopped

lately it feels like there's something wrong with me. i've been noticing that other people get about excited about things that i simply don't care about. i feel constantly baffled about what's so great about this or that. i'm always wondering why.

why are everyone else so excited?
why is that a worthwhile use of my time?
why don't i have any desire to participate?
maybe i'm just not a joiner.

i guess the best and most current example of this is the cardboard boat making activity this past weekend. on sunday, instead of a church service, nexters gathered on the shore of lake ontario to make cardboard boats then race them. from the word 'go' i had no interest in attending this. i don't know if it's because i don't have kids, becase i'm sure there are plenty of non-parents who'd be all over that kind of thing. maybe it's because i'm not competitive. whatever it is, it just doesn't 'float my boat'. at the risk of sounding uptight, it just seems like a silly activity. or at least too silly for me.

i think partly what it comes down to is time. between work and sleeping... plus family+friends and housework, i don't have a lot of time left over. what little time i have is valuable to me and i want to use it in meaningful, enjoyable and restful ways. i'm pretty sure if i had more time on my hands, i'd be much more open to doing silly things simply for the experience of it.

it's not that i'm wish things were different, i just wish i didn't feel so different from everyone around me. i feel weird, like an outsider. my community likes dance parties. they like certain people i don't connect with. they use colourful words to describe things and people (such as "AWESOME!" when i feel it's "ok" or "neato"). maybe i'm just cynical.

i just don't understand them. and i just don't understand me. it's probably the fact that i can't put my finger on why i don't want to participate is what's bothering me most. it's concerning. and i hate that by not participating i miss out on relationship- and memory-building moments.

as time passes and things change, i feel like i'm fading more and more. becoming a wall-flower. i feel on the fringe of everyone else's "AWESOME" and silly experiences.

Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very;'
otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

triangle

have you ever had something for lunch that was super awesome, so you made it again a few days later only to find it wasn't nearly as good as you remembered it? what's up with that!?!?!

i had a dentist appointment today. the girl who works the reception desk there is very nice. every time i'm there she knows me by name. i'm really puzzled by this. my old doctor's receptionist knew me by name, but i always thought that was because i had allergy shot appointments every month. i go to the dentist a few times a year, how does this woman know my name!?!? she must see hundreds of people a week! sometimes i wonder if she just looks up patient's names prior to their arrival so she can seem all friendly, but i'm pretty sure she doesn't do that. *shrug*.

i can't remember i've mentioned this or not (i know i've talked about it with several people), but i'm investigating braces. i have this little baby corner tooth that has come loose (not surprising since they're only supposed to last a few years). i once had a consultation about a dental implant, but it's super expensive and my dental plan won't cover it. BUT my plan will cover 50% for braces and if i just get the top done it shouldn't cost very much. i do have a healthy adult tooth, it's just hiding in the roof of my mouth. it would need some coaxing, but could be slid into place. my appointment today was supposed to be a consultation and quote, but it turns out that my dentist is going to refer me to an orthodontist because it's not an a-typical case. he said "it would take a while, but it would work", then gave a guestimate of a year and a half to two years, which is what i expected in the first place. i hope when i get the consultation it's within the ballpark i've got in my head. after going thru the process of deciding and weighing my options, i'd be disappointed. the dentist today confirmed that my baby tooth is gonna fall out soon. while i've grown to be quite comfortable with my crooked teeth (and they're much more subtle then they used to be), i want to have that corner tooth so i can eat without difficulty, so i do want to proceed. i feel a little awkward about getting braces in my 30s, but scarlete inspired me - she normalized it. and i've noticed it's really not unsightly or weird.

the funny thing is, if i get braces i'll look even younger than brendan.

 

seems i have forgotten

all the words to forget.

dundee

it's funny how you can come across a guy you used to like on facebook, only to find him surprisingly gross. man, i feel lucky to be married to b. he's so much better than that other guy. i really don't know what i saw (or imagined) in him.

did i tell you i took up jogging? well i did. i'm a jogger. i jog now. or at least jog a little. i have this training routine that starts with me walking 6 minutes, jogging 1 minute for the first week, then walking 5 minutes the next week with 2 minutes of jogging and so on. i do this big loop around the inner harbour. i'm often worried i'll bump into someone i know or they might see me from their living room window (i try to avoid passing houses i know). i'm really enjoying it and i get home feeling pumped. my last jog segment of last night was awesome. i felt like i'd really hit my stride and was moving along at a smooth pace quite comfortably. i impressed myself because i actually felt like i knew what i was doing.

on my new ipod, i have a calorie counter app that i dutifully input my intake and exercise in. it's very satisfying.

i got my new ipod engraved (it was free). i wasn't inspired on what to have it say, so i got this obscure quote. but now i wish it said 'patron saint of perpetual dynamite". that would've been appropriate. oh well. my off-beat, random quote suits me too.

i tiptoe across the squeaky floor.

enroute

i read recently 'you don't have to compromise your convictions to be compassionate'. and while i agree with this, it's been puzzling me quite a bit. mostly the word 'convictions'.

i take a 'live and let live' approach to life, which means loving people and demonstrating compassion without imposing my choices on them. i'm pretty sure that i've written before reflecting on the difference between morality and ethics. basically, i feel that morality is one's individual behaviours. and unless i'm asked to help support or provide accountability, i'm not going to butt in. then ethics, on the other hand, is the larger workings of society. as a member of society i have a responsibility to do my part to make life better for others.

anyways, i'm kind of going off topic. this whole word "convictions" has really been stumping me. maybe it's partly because it seems so bizarre that someone would not show compassion because they disagree with x or y. i guess that's because it contradicts the objective of helping make life better for everyone.

i think the weird thing about it is... where do convictions come from? i think culture plays a big part in creating conviction - cultural norms. it's true to say that religion has also played a big part in telling people what their convictions should be. i'm currently reading a book about ireland in 500 A.D. and rome has just decreed that priests, nuns and monks should be celibate and that divorce is not ok. before that priests and nuns often had spouses to help them better engage with the community. so it was the church (not God's writing on their hearts) who told them they should be celibate. it's just interesting to me that many norms we've come to accept as appropriate, were introduced at some point, by someone (intentionally or not).

sometimes external convictions are just as important, if not more important, than our own gut instinct. truth be told, sometimes our internal compass is broken. i know with complete certainty that my natural choices would have taken me in a different direction without the influence of faith and jesus in my life. and i'm very thankful i didn't take that route because i feel that i'm a healthier, happier, more whole person today than i would've been.

so after all this writing, this downloading of thought, has brought me to a rough conclusion. my adaptation of the original quote would be... "don't let what makes your life better, make another person's life worse". or "don't idolize your moral compass so much that you develop contempt for everything else". or perhaps it's just simpliest to say "love God, love others... with no exceptions".

why are the most important things the most difficult to explain?

wonder

i was just reading about the pussy riot case. i can't tell if people are (to be blunt) stupid, willfully unsympathic or have been manipulated by the powers that be... but it's pretty darn clear that they did not intend to offend christians, 'abuse God' or attack religious faith. these girls seem to be sincerely concerned by the leadership and power of putin, and vocalized it. and who can blame them! the very fact that they were arrested for not supporting putin and are facing 3 to 7 years in prison... is alarming and unjust. frig, can't russia catch a frickin' break!?!?!? centuries of corruption and dictatorships. sheesh!

since jay got laid off last december i've been keeping my eyes open for job postings at work that might suit him. it's not completely selfless because i'd get a referral bonus, but mostly i just want to help a person find a job since i appreciate that someone did that for me. jay is an unusual fellow and most people don't know what to think of him at first - i sure didn't. but as i've gotten to know him over the years i've come to really enjoy him. he has aspergers, and because of that, he interacts differently than others. i actually quite enjoy interacting with him because you have to be very frank with him because subtly is lost on him. he doesn't get his feelings hurt, and it actually helps him the most to tell it like it is. anyways, there's a job open here that he seems to be qualified for. when i think of the team he'd be joining i wonder how well he'd fit in. i don't know if anyone else at work has aspergers, but truthfully people with aspergers aren't that different from many engineers ;) it's true! in any workplace, i think it would just take the 'right' person to befriend jay and he'd be fine.

 

when i say 'right' i mean a person of influence. when i was in highschool there was this guy named marco. he was this big italian guy in his 20s who'd returned to highschool to get his diploma after dropping out as a teen. i'm pretty sure his family was involved with the local mafia (yes! kingston has a mafia), and the other boys in his group of friends trailed behind him. at some point, i think thru a peer tutoring class or something, he got connected with a boy named trevor who was part of the special education program at school because he was handicapped (i don't know the P.C. term for this, so please excuse me). trevor and marco just hit it off and would be seen together all around school. i like to think that marco went on to be a social worker or something working with special needs people. anyways, because of the unique friendship, marco's posse (a tough, leather-wearing gang not unsimilar to the guys in grease) welcomed him into their group and started looking out for him. it was fascinating and pretty progressive. it really turned social norms on their head. so back to jay. if he got a job, it would just take one person to help him fit in. i don't have a lot of influence on social circles at work, but i'd do my best to help break the ice.

 

live the dream
like the 80s never happened.

credit

liz gave me a pair of clog birkenstocks that are too big for her. they fit really well and aren't already formed to her feet. however, my feet are not used to them so the leather is giving me blisters. no doubt because i've been subconsciously influenced by brendan, i'm still wearing them even though my feet are sore so they toughen up. last night i gave them a fresh polishing using brendan's shoe polish supplies. they look brand new. b's pretty fond of mink oil so i thought i'd give it a try. i like that i'm married to a man who shines his shoes. he's so into it that i bought him a proper shoe polishing kit last year for his birthday.

actually, last night was pretty productive. i also vacuumed out the car in the rain. part of me wondered if i might get electrocuted but neither the rain nor the vacuum were very strong so i was ok.

AND i volunteered at the hospital and met all sorts of lovely people. i also saw melissa! i was sitting talking to a 94 year old woman when melissa walked past the room and saw me. it was so fun. i was super conflicted because i wanted to run over and hug her, but the lady was chatting and didn't realized i'd just spotted a friend. it made me smile for the rest of the evening. i also saw meghan from next there too, she works in nutrition and was delivering food to the patients i was visiting. fun fun fun.

you know what i love about having hairy legs? that upon seeing my hairy legs that guys instantly stop thinking of me as a sexual object and start thinking of me as a person (perhaps even as an equal), because my body is of interest to them.

 

cut your hair and shave your beard.

blush

it was a full weekend. nana's birthday, wolfe island music festival, church, lunch with my family, swimming on wolfe island for andrew's birthday, n+g's place for the olympic closing ceremonies. it was really fun, but not particularly restful.

this year was the first since 1984 that i watched none of the sporting events from the olympics. when b and i got married, we made an agreement that we would get rid of my cable but keep the tv set. at that time i felt super reluctant because even though i don't watch a lot of tv, i wanted to still be able to watch the olympics. thankfully i was able to watch the opening and closing ceremonies, even if i saw nothing else (oh, i guess i watched a tiny bit of boxing at my mom's place on sunday). next time i'm going to set up olympic watching dates at different people's houses to make sure i get to watch often. i don't know what it is about the olympics, but it has gripped me since i was 8 years old. i guess it's that olympic fever. i dunno. it was neat on sunday hearing joelle, who is now 9, talk about the athletes. you can tell she caught the bug, just like i did around her age. it was funny because while we were in costa rica, whenever b and i got talking about the olympics or i saw a commerical on the plane or in the airport, i'd get all teary-eyed. i can't help myself! olympcs > heart-warming story > tears. it moves me like an artform.

just keep telling me facts,
and keep making me smile.

cafeteria

whenever i'm on holidays, i always want to make some changes to my life upon returning. sometimes intentionally other times unintentionally. i once had a friend who started disliking me after i went to paris because i was a lot more optimistic and driven when i got home. needless to say, we're not friends anymore.

so while in costa rica i did some reflecting and thinking.

for one thing... i decided i'd like to dread my hair again in my 40s, when grey is starting to take over what used to be brown. i think grey dreads will look awesome. plus, i think i'll keep them for longer. jill has demonstrated that having dreads for 3 years doesn't require shaving one's head at the end.

another thing... i decided i want to be more fit. managing my weight is one thing, being fit is another. i thought i might want to start taking an aquafit class. when i mentioned this to my dad he thought it was a great idea because i was a swimmer in my teens. but when i looked into it i found that the classes are at 10 am every day, so that won't work. plus, it costs money and when it really comes down to it, i don't like paying a lot to exercise. b suggested running, since it's free - or at least doesn't have ongoing fees (i might have to buy some running gear to get started). i tried running once, but it made my lungs burn. so i looked up instructions for how to start running and found a great little 13 week guide that i think i could do. august always seems to be the month when i start getting really interested in exercise. and february is always the month i want to quit because the routine is boring me. i ordered a new ipod yesterday (i've developed a plan to repay my savings), so when it arrives i'll get started on my 13 week training plan. i'm looking forward to it. i think i'll download audio books to listen to while i jog.

the last thing (and least specific)... i'd like to be less busy and more efficient with my use of time. and really, these go hand and hand. good use of time, means more time left over. while i think there's a time and place for lying around and doing nothing, i think that kind of activity is only truly enjoyable when juxtaposed with other activities. completing chores or reading or hobbying or connecting with people. i remember hearing once that using energy gives more energy. it's a bit of a cycle. so last night, i watched an episode of weeds, bought an ipod online, went to the park to read, weeded the driveway, talked on the phone with my mom and went to the store for chips to eat andrew's garden salsa with. it made me feel like my evening was an activity rather than a waste of time.

 

letters littered

with little lewd pictures
drawn by the ghost of woody guthrie
who would use your big thick hand
just to draw one two for me.

jones

it's funny.
or odd or something.
i knew yesterday that unless i went to bed early last night i'd be really tired today, but i didn't so now i'm tired.

i don't where i left things off, but we're home now (got home monday night/tuesday morning). i'll tell you more about it later - specifically the turtle watching on our last night in tortuguero.

i lost my ipod, or at least accidentally left it behind at a hotel. when we left cahuita, we went to buy our bus ticket to the next town and they sold us a ticket an hour earlier than we'd planned so we went back to pack up, and in our rush my tiny ipod must have been overlooked or fallen out of sight. i was pretty bummed. i get attached to things that have given me many special and memorable experiences. i was partly sad that it was gone, partly sad that i'd let myself down by loosing it, and partly sad that i was about to travel for two days straight without it. i had hoped to upgrade to an ipod touch eventually, so it looks like i'll be getting one sooner than planned. the more i thought about it, the more convinced i am that an itouch is a good idea. over recent years, internet cafe's are harder to find when travelling, and i don't have a laptop for when i travel with work. an itouch would give me more connectivity and access to more information - such as delayed flights.

due to many factors, marilyn is going to be retiring in january. i'm going to miss her a lot. she's my best pal at work and a good colleague. as a result, i'm going to have to take on many of her responsibilities, which means travelling to more conferences and exhibitions. i'm most likely going to calgary in early september and phoenix next april. i have mixed feelings about this. emma and i have some big decisions to make about our team (because susanne is leaving too) and how things work. it's nice that emma is involving me so much, it gives me the chance to help structure things in a way that works for me, as well as what i think will work best for the organization. it's funny, i never saw myself as a career woman. and yet, i'm in a position where i'm heavily depended on and have become indisposable. it's both assuring and worrying. i wish i knew another person in my position to talk to for some advise, or even just to hear how she sees navigated her life.

yesterday was a different kind of day. the kind when i was reminded that jobs change, people move on, and nothing stays the same forever. it's not scary. it's good, but confusing because there's so many feelings at once. and life feels a little hazy.

 

you took the air,

you took the time,
you were fed and you were free.

plantain

so we´re currently in this tiny town called tortuguero. it´s not quite an island, but only accessible by sea or air. silly us, we arrived with next to no cash only to find they have no bank :S it´s ok though. we found this really awesome restaurant (called the wild ginger) that will give cash back on a credit card. so we´re ok.

this is an amazing town. unlike anything else. the closest comparison would be toronto island mixed with pang mixed with the carribean. we´re going on a turtle walk tonight to watch see turtles lay eggs under moonlight on the beach!! so cool!

i should go. i´m starting to feel tired and will be ready for home come tomorrow night (our last night in costa rica)

ciao!

zion

despite the fact that it thunderstormed all night, and i mean THUNDERSTORMED (we've never experienced anything like that before), the weather has been pretty good today. 

we rented a pair of bikes and cycled down the coast. they were old fashioned bikes, with baskets and pedal brakes. it was super fun. so lovely. i'd never seen brendan ride a bike before! it's been  several decades since i rode a bike without hand-brakes, so it took some getting used to, but i really liked it. it's low-fi. 

my favourite thing about costa rica is how simple it is. low-fi. it seems to suit me. i think i could easily live in a no-frills country. the plumbing is pretty basic. we're not supposed to flush toilet paper. sometimes i forget, but on the whole remember fairly consistently. 

our current town is called puerto viejo. it is known for it's impressive break point (surfing wave), and literally grew as a tourist town around that. the surf is called salsa brava, and is apparently referred to as "the cheese grater" by locals. it starts instantly (no gradual build-up) at a coral reef. if you land it properly, you're good to the shore. if you don't, then you go head first into the reef. owww.

it's another laid-back coastal town, but different to cahuita. still very cool. slightly less rural. i love that compared to san jose, we haven't seen one fast-food joint or chain-hotel. 

my body is tanned, bruised, covered in bug-bites and blisters, and it feels good. i like using my body so much. it feels good. it makes me feel connected with it and my surroundings. 

i'm really enjoying the bell jar. i don't find it dark at all. more broody than dark. i'm only 1/3 of the way in, so it could still take a dark turn. but the writing is good and the narrative seems sincere.

we'll i'm off. ciao!