charcoal

i'm currently on my third period after otis. i still find it a drag each month when it arrives, because not having a period for all those months was pretty great. so much so, that i would consider the depo shot or something, that makes it go away for long periods of time. now that i'm retired from baby-having, it feels unnecessary to keep getting a period. but on the other hand, i'm not really comfortable with toying with my hormones, so i'll just have to get reacquainted with it.

anyway, now that i've had two babies, i'm finding that just a diva cup isn't cutting it anymore. especially at night time when i get up to nurse. so i decided to order some lunapads. getting to choose from an assortment of patterns was pretty fun. even though i'll be the only one who enjoys them.

i'm excited about this. after using cloth diapers, i came to love reusable things. if there's a reusable version of something, why get a disposable one!

that said, otis is nearing 6 months, and i'm only just getting into a groove with his cloth diapers. for a while there, we only used cloth at home and disposable out of the house. partly because early on, i was caught several times without proper cloth diaper supplies, and the complication of that was more than i was willing to deal with at the time. especially when eamon was in the hospital, etc. so i'm glad that we're settling into a good cloth diapering routine.

circling around the sun

there is one thing i can be pleased with. something that is exclusively mine. something internal to me, that no one else can share claim to. since otis was born 5 months ago, i've lost 35 lbs. this is extra exciting to me, since i only gained 25 lbs during my pregnancy. which means i'm 10 lbs less than i was before i got pregnant. i didn't get even close to my pre-pregnancy weight with eamon, even after a year! but not even 6 months later, i'm fitting back into pants i wore after eamon was born. AND they're not middle-aged women pants :)

state i'm in

brendan is out tonight at jared's birthday gathering. it seems lately that mostly just write when he's not home. it's not that we spend our time exclusively together, when he is home, but having an empty house helps me pause and think enough to write. i enjoy downloading my thoughts better in privacy.

this weekend i've felt very tired. not physically tired, not emotionally tired. maybe drained is a better word? i don't know. but i'm feeling pretty worn out from parenting. i feel kind of tired of it, like i want a break or some normal time out as an adult. i share this with reluctance, because i don't want to sound like i'm complaining. i know that we are very fortunate to have two healthy, happy little fellas. and i'm so glad and thankful for them. with that said, it feels like i'm getting it from each side. every time i turn around, one of them needs something or is in dire straits (usually otis at the hand of eamon, but sometimes eamon too). it feels unrelenting. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. and what makes it extra difficult, is that it seems unfamiliar. i have no memories of my parents seeming like they're at their wits-end. they always seemed like they knew what they were doing, or at least if they didn't, i have no specific memories of that. so i can't comfort myself (from experience) with this being normal. even though, i'm sure it is. 

at this point, i'm looking forward to otis learning to sit up and start on solids. and i'm looking forward to eamon learning that despite the fact that "it's easier to say i'm sorry than ask permission", that it's not worth the relationship drama or disruption to life when he's done something self-indulgent.

further to my troubles in parenting, b and i have had a somewhat rocky weekend. now, i should preface this by saying, that sometimes i get super incredibly comfortable that i don't move. so comfortable that i decide not move. most frequently it's my legs. i'm getting close to that right now. but occasionally, it's my mouth. i get so comfortable that i don't want to talk. the way my tongue feels in my mouth. this usually happens before or after sleeping. and it generally super annoys b. it's pretty rare though, maybe once a year. anyway, that happened on friday night, and as a result we had some conflict to resolve on saturday. afterwards he said to me "can you understand how out of character it is for YOU, lesley lorimer, who talks all the time about everything, to not talk!?!?" thankfully that broke some tension and we were able to laugh about it. i've been told before "sometimes you say too much, and sometimes you say too little". that's probably true.

anyway, i don't know if writing this out is much comfort to me. but it's truthful and honest. i don't know how to get the rest or rejuvenation that i'm looking for. maybe it's just a matter of time, and i need to be patient. or maybe i just need to stay up late tonight and enjoy doing stuff i don't normally get to do during the day. enjoy the peace of this space, the heat from our wood stove, the sound of my cat's heavy breathing, this snuggly blanket. some books, some king of the hill episodes, some hot tea. 

it's like a breeze blowing deep beneath my skin.

sunday night soul searching

i've been thinking a little about events and aspects of my life that currently define me. and things that used to, but don't anymore. 

my parents split up when i was ten. but it does not define me. it did at one point, but i feel like a lot of healing has taken place in me and within my relationships with my family members. and now being from "a broken home" more of a trivia fact than a defining experience. 

however, i would say that being raised my a single parent IS a defining experience. i am driven to be competent and capable, which is heavily influenced by having a helpless mom who depended on her kids (despite their young ages) to be her equal partners. although, i don't think this really kicked in until my mid-twenties. my strong desire for competence and capability is a combination of two things. it's like a door that became unlocked by first inserting the key (my family of origin), then turning the key (living alone as a single woman). through these two experiences i learned that i needed to be capable because there was no one else to help me. either i did something myself, or it didn't get done. 

in my early twenties i went through a life-altering break-up. i was changed, my relationship with my family was changed, my understanding of faith was changed, my understanding of relationships (friendships, romantic partners, community) was changed. while the break-up itself is less significant, because with hindsight i can see how misguided i was, and ill-fitting the relationship itself was. the outcome was VERY significant, because i didn't date again (officially) until brendan – 5.5 years later (breaking my 9 year non-stop dating streak). spending the majority of my 20s as a single, independent woman was very defining. 

it's unfortunate that the tail end of my career at bbd was so sour, because being a working professional is another strong and defining experience. it was not so much the work itself, but what i learned about myself, and what it gave me. after said break-up, i went through a very difficult depressive stage in my life (this lasted about a 1.5 years). my self-worth was very low. i was very isolated, having only 2 friends, and lacked the know-how, confidence and opportunities to make more. yet, at one point, i discovered that i was a different person at work. smart, friendly, with something to offer others. people depended on me, people turned to me for help. i was valued. my colleagues cared about me, and built me up (being all 30 years older than me, they each invested in me and loved me in different ways). i went from an apathetic high school student who flew under the radar, to a college kid who found something that made her feel excited enough to make an effort, to a growing and thriving adult who came into her own only to discover she wasn't a dud after all. 

there has been some debate among people who know me well, if i am a myers-briggs 'thinker' or 'feeler'. and i suppose i can understand why. especially after hearing my sister speak today at a seminar, i noticed a few key differences between she and i, that are quite telling. she talked about how she responded to discovering my dad had left. she shared that she fell to the ground in an emotional display, crying out to God. when i heard that, i tried to remember what i did or how i reacted. my experience was very different. i arrived home from school (alone, i don't know where joy was). as soon as i walked into the house, i could feel that something was different. as a result, my eyes went to our buffet cabinet, and the framed photo of joy and me was gone. and i knew that he'd taken it when he left. later, i remember sitting on my mom's lap, with my head against her chest, and i could see her chin quiver as she started to silently cry. i didn't know what to do, so i just sat there. i feel things, i just don't always show what i'm feeling. my feelings, especially my most vulnerable emotions, are very private. i'm not typically a demonstrative feeler. i'm a stone-waller. i'm emotionally reclusive. my feelings are largely unknown to my family (perhaps because they don't ask, but instead expect me just to volunteer). i dunno, maybe that's in response to having a very demonstrative older sister. or maybe i'm just like my father (thank you, prince...). i've been blogging for 12 years, and this is the closest i have ever gotten to writing about that break up and my recovery. a break-up so painful that i've summed it up in the past as a break-up that tore my heart out through my nose. i'm getting way off topic now. i think i'll just wrap this up here.

needless warnings

i was speaking with a 50-something woman the other day. someone i'm acquainted with, but i don't know her very well. when she found out i am 37, she warned me about what it would be like to have kids as an older mother. she herself had kids in her early 20s, but her parents were in their late 30s when she was born. she felt the generation gap between her and her parents was too big, and impose that and other things on me. i tried to politely listen, but countered every so often, with things like "brendan's in his twenties and he's not finding parenting any easier than i do". and "i'm sure i would've parented very differently in my 20s, but i think i'm doing a better job in my 30s than i would've when i was younger". "my parents were in their late 30s and it wasn't really an issue".

there's no right or wrong age. sure, there are more convenient or easier times to have kids, but there's always reasons why the timing isn't good. there are pros and cons to everything, including when to have kids.

pickled zucchini

since its winter, and there isn't really much to do, we've been going out for lunch on saturdays. i like this activity. it gets us out, and we get to visit different places. today we went to the juniper cafe in the tett centre. this is probably our favourite cafe in town at the moment. since it's not in downtown proper, it's significantly less busy, and the food is REALLY GOOD! apparently the coffee is really good too. part of me wants to keep it kingston's best kept secret, but another part of me wants to share it with a small group of people. it's too bad that it's not open in the evenings. it seems that most cafes aren't these days, and those that are... are WAY overcrowded. i was thinking today about how when i was 25, i would sleep to 2 pm on saturdays, then go to the indigo cafe (before it became a starbucks) to read every weekend. it was really nice. i'd really love to go out reading one evening, but i'm not sure where i could get a seat. 

spare change

i got my wish to laugh til i cried.

yesterday, i was telling brendan about how when i was grocery-shopping with the fellas, eamon wanted some money to put into the seeing-eye-dog plastic donation dog thing. i was surprised that he knew what it was for, and happy to fork out some change for him to put in it. so i gave him a quarter, and he put it in the coin slot at the top. as we heard it fall into the base of the dog, eamon just looked at it confused. nothing was happening. then i realized that he didn't actually understand what it was for. he was looking at it as though he expected a puppy to come out, but nothing was happening. no puppy was appearing. he searched around a little bit (presumably looking for his puppy), then he gave up. he was really bummed out.

when i retold this event to brendan, i laughed and laughed and laughed. it was the cutest thing ever.

faux-january

i'm finding this weather completely useless. it's not cold enough for there to be any snow (and winter activities), but not warm enough to be dry (and do things like go to the park). this afternoon, i saw out on the back deck with otis wrapped in my sweater, watching brendan chop wood with his new axe. it was éamon's job to take the chopped wood and put it in the wood tote for lugging inside. the sound of brendan's boots on the grass sounded soggy, and the park/field behind our house was foggy. it felt like it should be april. or britian. i want a proper winter. the thought of three cold/wet/soggy seasons is extremely unappealing.

stamped

i took otis' passport application in to service canada today. i had to submit his long form birth certificate with the application – the one that eamon scribbled all over. so fingers cross that it will not be rejected, then slowed down by having to order a new long form.

anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about airport customs. i feel like airport customs is what made, and continues to make me feel very married. let me explain. living together is no big deal. people live with non-spouses. i myself have lived with a handful of friends before. bed-sharing is also not exclusively for married folk. sheesh, i've shared a bed with my sister. but i have not gone through airport customs with a friend or colleague before. on our honeymoon, when we went through customs together, as a married couple, a unit, a "family", that made the whole thing really real. i almost forgot that we were married since we didn't officially have the same last name yet! to this day, it feels very novel going through customs together. i like it :) i'm looking forward to traveling together again. hopefully soon.

polyester

now that I'm 37 and have had two babies, I find that my body is more and more resembling a middle aged woman's body. bearing this in mind, I concluded two things...

1) I cannot afford to dress the way I want. I was shopping downtown yesterday, and there were several items that interested me, but none that we're price in a range I'd be willing to pay.

2) I need to dress for my body type. there was a plus size mom at a library group I went to last week. and I found that I kept looking at her because I thought she was dressed very nicely and she looked great - and comfortable too! it was a good reminder that I don't need to be skinny to look nice.

so I went to value village yesterday to find some clothes that fit my new criteria. that included getting high-waisted pants. now, in some ways I don't particularly like high-waisted pants. but I accept that the are more flattering on my body and don't always require being hiked up. lower rise pants alway fall down or cause muffin-tops. so I bought some. I am embarrassed to admit that they are from northern reflections :S but that fits with me resembling a middle-aged woman.

Sent from my iPod

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

sometimes i think i'm a better caregiver than parent. i really enjoy taking care of their basic needs (bathing, eating, clothing, sleeping, diaper changing/using potty, etc), but training, teaching, correcting, instilling, guiding, is much harder. the last few days i feel like i'm a sucky parent. actually, i'm doing fine with otis, but largely because at his stage he mostly needs care-giving and not social skills or discipline. i briefly considered giving eamon away to someone who would probably do a better job and would not get as angry at him. he laughs in my face when i'm upset about something he's done, which then fills me with rage, only making him laugh more. i still don't feel confident that he's better off with me rather than someone else.

i felt scared this afternoon. for two reasons. 1) eamon sat on otis's head when i'd placed him on the wood floor (he'd had a messy messy poop and it was all over the change table), and otis was scream-crying. i cannot leave them for more than 10 seconds before eamon does something that could seriously harm otis, or possibly kill him (usually from suffocating). and 2) because i went all motherbear on him for hurting my baby. i didn't like that AT ALL.

brendan and i both feel way in over our heads. we're way past our scope of parenting ability. it's hard watching this take its toll on brendan. and i'm sure it's not easy for him not being able to go get his hair cut without wondering what fresh hell will break out at home while he's out.

my sister always says that she thinks she'd be perfect if she wasn't married with kids. while i don't quite share that sentiment, i know i wouldn't be harming someone else irrevocably by making mistakes and having lapses in judgement every once and awhile. i don't want to mess up my kid. i wish it wasn't so dang hard to make it through the day without hating myself at least once.

parenting really is not for the faint of heart or for people who are emotionally unstable. because it will find your weakness and your last nerve, and pinch it til you feel like your head is going to explode.

that's the kind of day i've been having. let's hope tomorrow is better.

mash-up

sometimes i struggle to remember that this is a stage of life. i want to operate fully in all capacities, but often times, life's activities are mutually exclusive. they can't all be done at once.

this is just a stage... it's not a reflection of me changing my values or priorities. i say this less as a statement, but more as a reminder. even month to month is different. december was different to january, and february will be different again. i just need to roll with is. from here on in, otis will be increasingly more independent from me.

i just started the third book in my soviet russia series. i suppose i will be getting little else but reading done for the next few weeks. joy bought my niece a crochet owl kit. it's super cute for christmas. joelle decided that she was not up to trying it, so she gave it to me. i'd really like to give it a go, but it'll have to wait til i'm done my book.

washed in the rain no longer.

rochester street

so after i finished last night's entry, i briefly thought about my wishlist, and decided we should take a roadtrip today. we had no plans. in fact, it was completely wide open, and looking like it would end up being a day where we end up stir-crazy at home, or frustrated with eamon for trashing/breaking something. so i thought we should go to ottawa. the forecast was clear, so why not.

we left at 10:45 this morning, drove the LONG way to gatineau, (for some reason, we missed the 416 and ended up in cornwall before we realized) and spent a couple hours at the children's museum (within the museum of canadian history). from there we swung by to drop off a gift at b's friend matt's place for his new baby girl, and found a place to eat. we wanted something local with a bench seat (to lay otis on), and we found a place in the hintonburg neighbourhood called "hintonburger". it was extremely delicious AND it had bench seating :) perfect!

after a longish visit to ikea, we had the fellas in their 'jamas and we hit the road home. by then it was 7:10, and i felt exausted. but really really happy. it was lots of fun. we drove in the dark, listening to fleet foxes. i just felt so content, and connected to b without having to talk. so i got to have a mini trip and some quality time with b – 2 of my 4 things from yesterday's list!

we didn't have a GPS or anything, so we mostly used several old maps that we had in the car to get around. i suppose this shouldn't surprise me, but they were very useful! tried and true, i guess!

it was a good day. and i feel encouraged that i'll get through this stage and have a vibrant life again!

the world is alive now, in and outside our home.

suffragette

years ago i wrote an unpublished blog entry and submitted it to 'canada writes'. i'd pretty much forgotten about it until this evening. it took a little time, but i was able to find it, despite having sent it from my previous/maiden name email address. obviously, it wasn't selected. i think they were looking for blog post rants, rather than a 'slice of life'. i still like it – it's solid. in a way, one of my better entries. i'm most fond of my writing when it feels smokey, poetic and mysterious. infused with deep feeling.

my life is not very poetic these days.

it's raw, and somewhat superficial. it's baby spit-up, days without showering, and stepping on duplo while assisting my son with washing the scribbled marker off his dresser. it's breathing deep to keep my cool in the grocery store. it's buckling and unbuckling tykes into carseats. it's feeling badly that i don't have anything more interesting to talk about in conversation than 4-month sleep regression or what school to send my kid to. it's infrequent pelvic floor exercises and prunes. it's 2 am fights with my husband, falling sleep sitting upright, and having boobs too big to fit into my coat or several shirts.

my sense of self has been placed on the back burner. which concerns me, because i know how closely that and self-investment is tied with my satisfaction/contentment levels and overall happiness. i'm quite relational, and not being able to invest in my friendships and community relationships at the level i desire is hard and frustrating. partly because i feel like how much people reach out to me depends on my ability to reciprocate. and i'm unable to properly reciprocate at the moment, so it feels like my social sphere is getting smaller. incoming efforts are becoming fewer. i don't feel like i'm growing wild anymore. or at least at the moment.

if i could have it my way, we'd go on a trip somewhere fun – soon. anticipating a trip is always invigourating. and... i'd do something artistic and new shared with other people. and... brendan and i would have some good quality time together (where we get to talk as to people, and not comrades in arms). and... i'd have some soul refreshing laughter shared with people i love (preferably laughing til i cried or even threw up). i guess i'll just have to see what i can do about this list.

i thought the only lonely place was on the moon.

habit making

if i was going to do anything resembling a new year's resolution, it would be to resolve to do the things that i know are good for me. i'm really lousy at doing stuff i don't want to do, especially if they require ANY kind of effort at all. even if they're things that i in theory want to do, i'm still crappy at doing them in actuality. usually, when i do actually do them, i feel good about it. i think "ah! i actually did such and such today" and then i feel great about it for the rest of the day. so if for no other reason, i should develop good habits because i'll feel good about it :)

2017

now that we find ourselves in a brand new year, i've been thinking a little about my hopes for the next 12 months.

since i spent all of today de-cluttering our house, it seems timely to plan to keep on top things as to avoid mess in the future. BUT housekeeping is always a feast or famine with me, so my hopes are not high. but if i continue doing-away with unnecessary things, that may help make that task slightly easier.

otis is a week away from 4 months old, and i have already lost my baby weight. this feels like a huge accomplishment since i only ever got half away to my pre-eamon weight. it's my hope that i may reach that this year, but am a little worried that i'll just get number-stuck like i did last time. never getting past a specific number, even though my body changed shape and my clothes fit differently.

i'm excited to start a new job this year, and am equally excited to find out what that job will be :p

eamon will start kindergarten this coming september. we had planned to send him to our neighbourhood school, but after speaking with a few board-teachers, we're reconsidering. one friend (who's a substitute teacher) has said that it is the hardest school that he's ever taught at. it's a challenging environment; in the first few months of it opening this year, the vice principle quit; and the behaviour/support programs previously offered to the students who need it, have been discontinued (so all the kids, regardless of their needs, are in the same classes). i could write all about our pros and cons list, and why we're wrestling with this decision, but i'll spare you that. i'm hopeful that we'll make a good decision. registration starts in february. i'm intrigued about how all this will work out.

we're also planning on taking a trip south this winter. we'd like to get a last minute deal at a good price. so far we're considering cuba or mexico. but there's also a chance we won't find anything suitable and we'll have to come up with a plan C.

so there it is. what i'm anticipating for the road ahead. no doubt lots of other stuff will happen, or even things that will throw those plans/hopes off track. but i'll just roll with it.

may 2017 be good to you too :)

2016

just after last christmas, (december 28, 2015), brendan and i were working on a puzzle. while we worked, i said to brendan "my period is late, i might be pregnant". so i took a break to go pee on a pregnancy test. i brought it out, we sat it on the table where we worked as we waited 2 minutes, then he checked it. it was positive. after pausing a few minutes, we went back to working on our puzzle. it was pretty surreal. with that, we started off on a journey towards a new baby in 2016.

that pretty much dominated most of my year.

my winter months were consumed with nausea, exhaustion, and vomiting (with some occasional pant-wetting). i felt that i became isolated, like i was hibernating. i didn't see many friends socially. i wasn't up for many activities. our house was cold, and i mostly hung out in our bedroom when i wasn't actively parenting. the summer months were hot and i was very pregnant.

at work, my titanic of a company began foundering. slowly filling with water. people evacuating as the ship limped along. the end is nigh. it was sad and unpleasant to be there to watch it fall apart from the inside. it was a weird end to my 13 years there. my bakers dozen. that company, that role, those workmates, and that environment, shaped and formed me in my formative adult years. it definitely changed me, and i think for the better. i had opportunities, learned skills and discovered things about myself that i didn't know i was capable of. i will always be a bbd expat. it will always be part of me.

brendan and i worked through "the marriage course" at home. it was basically some relationship distance-learning. it was productive, yet disruptive. it uncovered certain dynamics that we were unaware of, but always exposed compatibility that we can easily take for granted.

eamon grew from a toddler into a preschooler. becoming interactive, engaging, and more and more independent. potty-training was touch and go at first, but eventually we did get there a few weeks shy of his 3rd birthday. giving us 2 months diaper free before baby number 2 came along.

otis. my sweet baby boy. just like his birth, he often resembles eamon quite closely, yet is also a very distinctly different experience. he has been a joy and a delight. sweet and gentle. i am forever grateful that i was able to birth him myself. overcoming challenges, and letting me reclaim my birthright as a woman. he is my VBAC baby, and a symbol to me of that special achievement.

i've talked in depth about eamon's infection, and subsequent stay in the hospital. i'm so grateful that the medical staff identified the problem, and interventions were made before he became unable to breathe.

i've had disappointments, and there are many aspects of my current state of being that i'm dissatisfied with. i'm trying to be gracious with myself and know that my circumstances and habits will improve in time or as my life stage changes.

it was not the easiest year, but it was a significant one.

decisions, decisions

it's boxing day. we spend 3.5 very full days with family, and i am feeling pooped. granted, this is partly because otis had the worst night EVER last night, and i barely slept. i'm gonna just wrap up here, brush my teeth and crawl into bed. i'm hoping he's gonna sleep better tonight.

i was thinking today about how beckie and i became friends X number of years ago today (i think it was 11). we'd both arrived to our respective homes from christmases with our families, and ended up hanging out. we went to shoppers for some reason, and i remember beckie blurting out in the car "you know i'm an atheist right?". that always makes me smile. it's nice because she's arriving tomorrow to spend a few days with her little buddies, and me and b.

i wanted to say more, but i'm blanking. i really should go to sleep.

rectify

well, a week has past since my crappy birthday. starting with a fight with b, ending with a flare-up of IBS. i think i've softened, and stopped chastising myself for trying to make my birthday special. sure, there are people who don't care about birthdays. but i kind of wonder if they just say they don't care. who would really be indifferent to spending time with people they love and getting to do a few different and fun activities.

b tells me that he's glad that i don't make him guess at what i'm feeling or thinking. he also said that he realizes that he may not always like what i say, but at least he knows what's going on. i appreciated that he took steps to make amends with me, and set things right.

expectations

things haven't really gone very well this morning. it's my birthday. and it's silly really, but i've pretty much being crying on and off all morning. brendan and i had a misunderstanding, that just triggered me to cry about anything and everything. it's been a long time since i had a good cry, so in a way it's therapeutic. i guess it's just not really how i thought my birthday would go. but that's also silly. it's just a day, and i'm 37, so maybe i'm supposed to be past feeling like my birthday is special.

i'd been looking forward to this year's main street parade, but now that i'm upset, i don't really want to go and socialize. i just want to spend time by the fire reading in peace. so brendan and eamon have gone without otis and me.

i don't know. i might decide to keep my birthday low-key next year. not throw a party and tell b not to get my a gift. brendan wants to try to "turn today around", but i kind of feel that i might as well just give in to it.