neanderthal

it's very bizarre to realize that i've spent most of my life fighting against normality, and yet still feel uncomfortable being an outsider. this is the bed i've made. i'm a freak. i chose this for myself and it's time i got used to it. i think i can. it's just a new concept to realize that i'm going to spend my life feeling like an odd ball. i won't ever be able to relate. my input and advise to others will be limited, that bothers me. i like to be helpful. it makes me feel childish, like everyone else is growing older while i stay the same age. but it's ok. at least i know this, sometimes i feel i could handle anything as long as i know what i'm dealing with. i'll get into the swing of things. that makes me happy. no scratch that, it makes me even happier. and i smirk.

hm.

my life feels like a lovely collage. darks and lights. i'm a gradation, a sliding scale, i can see both ends of the spectrum. it's kind of confusing. i feel neither this nor that. it's almost alarming, as though i'm incapable of feeling anything. i don't think that's true. i'm just caught in between. regardless of whether or not i THINK i should feel something... i just don't, and i like that a lot. i just feel good. content. and that's good enough.

it's a collage. my mind is a collage. and all of you are the subjects.

i don't know what i knew before,
but now i know i wanna win the war.