great

i'm wearing tights today. leggings. they remind me of being a kid and dressing up for church. tights have the undeniably unique quality of slowly falling down in the most uncomfortable way. i feel it's a good summary of toddlerhood. there's no other way of explaining it.

for most of my life my interactions with my dad's side of the family have been minimal. growing up i was saddened by the idea of that disconnection, but in reality, at family gatherings i couldn't get out of there fast enough. my family are not bad people, they're just strangers to me and rather unwelcoming. maybe things would've been different if my parents stayed together, and i KNOW things would've been different had we live in toronto. we were the odd-balls that left the big smoke for sweeter things. they didn't understand, it's impossible to imagine life beyond the GTA. after they excommunicated my dad from the family, my mom tried in vain to keep us connected. she'd drag us (me) against our (my) will to the boxing day reunion. i found it ironic that my favourite day of the year was so closely connected to my least favourite - separated by one sunset and one sunrise. thankfully, in due course, we were eventually asked to stop attending the festive gatherings. i was relieved, finally off the hook. after no contact for nearly ten years, it seemed a no-brainer to me to not bother inviting them to our wedding. i invited the one set of aunt & uncle who'd played a big part in my life, and the corresponding cousins, but that's it. during our engagement, i immediately received engagement cards in the mail from my mom's family, who live in england, but didn't hear a peep from my canadian relatives. this confirmed to me that i'd made the right decision, they remain indifferent to me, and as a result i to them. however, with an unexpected turn of events i just received an invitation from one of my forementioned cousins to a family weekend next august west of toronto. this leaves me in the awkward position of being the one to choose to be excluded. the story will change from this point on if i choose to not attend. it's difficult because i don't want to justify our excempt status, but at the same time, they've left me completely uninterested in seeing them, much less spending a weekend together. so i find myself contemplating what's gained by trying to rejoin a dysfunctional family when i've moved on. i'm content with my family of origin and my new in-laws. they fill my need for family. so the answer i keep arriving at is another question "what's lost?". what was lost was a childhood building connection and relationships with my extended family. i've already lost that. so i don't feel there's anything to lose at this point. it would seriously awkward, especially when they all know each other quite well, and hangout in TO together with frequency. in fact, 2 of my cousins were housemates. they're the incrowd, we're the outsiders. well... we have 3 seasons to decide. i think if my dad is interested in going, we'd go with him, but i'm done attending in place of him. besides, he's my favourite person in that family, and there's just no sense in going without him.

here i am at my most hungry,
and here i am at my most full.