avid

my plans for this evening got canceled, so instead of having a boring evening of chores, i decided to go to the screening room. i saw bottle shock. it was great.

i wish you'd been there with me on the walk home in the dark. i would've told you all sorts of things...

like how i won't shake his hand. shaking hands is for business men or how you greet someone in africa. but shaking hands is not for me. we are not making an alliance, we are not about to duel. i will not shake his hand.

or about the time i tried to ride my bike while walking my dog.

or how i liked the way my hair moves in my shadow. the way it blew and waved around.

or about how sometimes i can't remember which day of the week it is. he didn't know which day it was and wore jeans to work on the wrong day.

or about how all i really wanted to buy was one single apple, but there were about 80 people in line at a&p so i just placed that mackintosh on a shelf and walked right out. afterwards i kind of wished i'd taken the apple with me, but that would've been wrong.

or about how annoyed i am at myself for leaving work without my vest-coat and book. apparently i was in a real rush to exit my 8'x8' blue cube that i left my worldly possessions behind.

or how sometimes i wish i could forget. everything.

or how i think it's weird that the word "lens" has an 's' on it even though it's singular. why isn't it just a "len"?

or about how i think geese should wear neck ties.

or about how my mailman can't discern between the last name "knight" and "mcknight". there's a difference, it might be subtle. but you'd think the different first name would come in handy in that case.

or how it just hit me that they don't live here anymore. that sucks.

it woulda been nice to walk with you.

i'm just a girl in the world...
that's all that you'll let me be!

bothersome

season four of living room started this evening. i think out of all four premiers this was my favourite. i wasn't feeling stressed or anxious or a lot of pressure from my own expectations. i was prepared to roll with the flow and things went really nicely. it was a good group and we had some good discussion. we're studying the nooma series.

i'm incredibly restless right now. i'm emotionally fidgety, and it's a sensation that's not going away. i agree with the diagnosis that i'm on the verge of something significant, but i don't know what. i have yet to figure that out, although i know what i'd like it to be. sometimes i feel like i'm on the outside looking in. i kind of feel like a benchwarmer. wow, that's actually bang-on. i totally feel like a benchwarmer – i didn't realize it until i wrote that. no wonder i feel so restless and fidgety.

i'm really terrible at icing cakes. good thing i doesn't really matter, it tastes the same regardless.

i'm so bored with my life right now that i feel numb. man, i wish i could feel something, i sure do miss it. when i was a kid, "bored" was a "swear word". we weren't allowed to say it, we had to find something do to. i still kind of work that way, i instinctively want to "fix" my bored state, but there's no quick solution.

when's it gonna be MY turn?

let's forget about the boring brick suburban homes,
let's go out, we'll take this town,
let's wrestle this city to the ground.

bake a cake

he's an aneurysm waiting to happen inside my cranium.

i saw mamma mia tonight with my mom and sister. i've never been to the movies with them before. my dad was a baptist minister, and in the 80s pastors didn't go to the movie theatre. except, we did go to see billy graham presents "caught". man, that movie was disturbing. much worse than "the chipmunk adventure" or the ernest movies or anything ELSE we could've seen...

anyways. we saw mamma mia. i have to admit, i liked it much more than i expected. i thought it would be good, but i really loved the older women. i can see myself being much like them in my 50s. i loved meryl's long hair, i long ago decided to keep my long hair when i'm older, i think it's ridiculous that women cut their hair simply because "older women just don't have long hair". WHO SAYS?!?! meryl was beautiful and flowing and natural and confident. i loved that she and her girl-friends were goofy and comfortable together like old shoes. i hope i'm like that with my girls when i'm that age. somethings change with maturity, but personality doesn't. melissa's always saying she wishes she could see me at work because she thinks i'm too goofy to be professional (not that she doesn't think i am, but she wishes she could see me there since it's a side of me she's never known). i am rather goofy and quirky and random, i don't suppose that'll change much when i'm in my golden years, in fact i might be even more so! i've had things dormant fear for as long as i remember that as i get older i'll lose myself and turn into the grown-ups i've always known. it's disturbed me since the beginning. but now i'm feeling more assured that won't happen.

i need to download a bunch of abba songs. forgotten how much i love the song dancing queen.

when tomorrow gets here where will yesterday be?

unicorns

it was good.

in the car home today paul and i got talking about the differences between men and women. i told him how i'm so puzzled by the male species, and he in return said they don't understand anything about women either. he asked me a lot of questions about how the minds of women work, i tried my best to explain each scenario he presented. it was a little tricky because as the words were coming out of my mouth i knew it seemed crazy and backwards. i also felt bizarre letting him in on the secrets of the female psyche, AND i also didn't want to further tarnish our reputation by exposing our inner most concepts.

haha. poor paul didn't realize that by agreeing to be my carpooler he was also becoming fodder for pspd.

i've noticed that although my sister is 31 years old, she still says "soap oper" instead of "soap opera". i don't think she even realizes her mistake. i should tell her one of these days.

the green party sign on my lawn makes me smile :)

he told me i was charming and beautiful. i've never been called charming before, it was very reassuring.

sometimes i feel like a character in a novel.

now you come to realize the truth and the advice
about the best laid plans of mice and man.

diamonds

sometimes when i'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things i need to do it makes me not want to do anything. i'm giving myself permission to slack off in my personal life until saturday. although, there are some responsibilities that i can't escape – like typing up the minutes from the bored meeting :S all i really want to do is lie around like a lazy bum.

i can across a photo of my 14-year-old self today. sometimes i swear that's a totally different person. i wonder what i would've thought of me if i'd been able to meet my 28-year-old self back then.

step one is done. HR got back to me today saying that if the knickers is ok with me taking a leave of absence that's ok with them. now's the scary part of having to talk to her. it could go either way, sometimes she's very hard to predict. but first i think i'll gather more details and contact iona about it. so it still might be a month or so before i approach my boss.

guess what i learned yesterday? that instead of going "hahahaha"in spanish, they write "jajajajajaja". hahaha. or should i say.... jajaja.

you're still a super hot female.

splash

everything he says is cryptic and i'm left trying to figure out what he means. it's fun, like a puzzle of the spoken word.

ok people, what's the deal with the letter Q?? like, why is it so frickin co-dependent on the letter U. i propose that we put an end to this behaviour and just assume that the U is there. from now on, Q letter words shall be spelled like so: qeen, qit, qick, eqip, eqal, aqire, and so on. who do i speak to about this? i realize these words look bizarre but we'll all get used to it, we can't hinder progress just because it reqires an adjustment. there are huge advantages to this, just think how this change will alter the game of scrabble! and while i'm on this topic.... what's up with the letter X?? when it's at the end of a word it has a hard K-S sound, like botox. but when it's at the beginning of a word it makes a Z sound? like xeno. it's the chameleon letter!! i find this infuriating.

below is a photo of me and shannon at the goat celebrating. i like this pic – how the background is so dark and yet our faces are so washed out. i also really like that i don't look 8 years older than she is, like i am in real life.


my book has me swept away with girlish notions. i was afraid for a minute there that the heroine had been killed. i swear if they'd killed evy i would've tossed that book across the room and never have picked it up again. thankfully that didn't happen so i plod on with elation.

beautiful chin, beautiful shoulder-blades, beautiful forehead, beautiful big toes, beautiful sternum, beautiful pancreas, beautiful things, BEAUTIFUL ESOPHAGUS. oh you are so beautiful...

abominable

i don't think i'm particularly thick-skinned. nor am i overly sensitive though. things happen and they sting, but not for very long and usually not without good reason. i think enduring critiques from classmates in college helped me learn how to accept constructive criticism. i also know how the world works and that not everyone will like me or the things i do. i have no grand illusions that i will be found in everyone's favour. and because of that i'm developing a layer of scar-tissue. i guess times like this i'm reminded to be slow to criticize others and to be gracious with people i don't know. i take solace in the fact that those who know me love me.

timing is everything. right now i suspect i need to be open to anything.

sometimes you can't make it on your own.

wind

it's freaking hot in here. i was getting used to the colder weather and now i feel constantly moist. yuck. i swear my eyelids are sweaty.

this afternoon shannon and i went to the demolition derby at the fair.


she LOVES demolition derbys (strange considering she's a raging feminist and vegetarian. it just seems very uncharacteristic of her. but if there's one thing i've grown to love about shan is that she shatters all preconceived notions. she's a wonderful and marvelous woman of strength and abnormality). i'd never been to a demolition derby before, it was very entertaining. i bought some cotton candy and crochetted a little (i like knitting/crochetting in unconventional places). it felt funny being at the fair considering my animosity towards it, but whatever, i'm not one to shy away from things because a steadfast/silly rule in my head. we hung out with some animals afterwards too. that was pretty cool.


while everyone's been up in arms over the new facebook, i was thrown for a loop with the new sitemeter. i HATED IT! it doesn't give me the information i enjoy the most! however, about an hour ago they switched back to the old format. i don't know why, i'm hoping they'll keep it this way, i really didn't like that other format. it bothered me a lot.

tim says listening to the surmising of women is both amusing and annoying.

i believe in the kingdom come,
then all the colours will bleed into one.

galoshes

i'm sleepy but i want to stay up reading. my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak....

shannon and i went go-karting this afternoon! each summer i want to go but can never find anyone willing to go with me. we were the oldest people there who weren't accompanying children. it was pretty fun and was shan's first time ever. afterwards i got thinking about how the only difference between doing something and not is the act of going and doing it. it's pretty simple. you want to do something, so do it! i need to act on these things more often instead of letting 10 years of wanting to go-kart go by. i love doing stuff :)

later today i went to amadeus cafe with rhonda & isaac. i'd never been there before, but after meeting the owner at michelle's place i decided i should get on that. so just like with the go-karting we went, and it's now crossed off my list of things i've never done before that i've been wanting to do. it was good!

i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but write of it again to emphasize the extent of my problem. i have a major compulsion to paint my fingernails. inspite of this urge i'm also quite disgusted by it. i use crazy strong colours and find the whole ordeal quite ghastly. i worry sometimes that other people are grossed out by it because i sure am. it doesn't suit me at all, my nails are short and my fingers are small. i wish i could stop, but i've discovered it's a guilty pleasure so i continue. it's like self-inflicted cruelty.

i live in a breakable takeable body – an ever-increasingly valuable body.

poi

she wrote me a beautiful letter. she told me "take heed, you will come forth as gold". i cried fat tears on her behalf. i love her dearly. i miss her now, i'll miss her more then. i wish she wasn't an ocean away.

on the way to work paul was telling me he had a date tonight. they were meeting at the goat – it was his maiden visit. he was so excited about it that it was contagious. by the time we arrived at the office i was all like "oooOOHh ya... paul's going on a date." i was also really psyched about him going to the goat for the first time. i was totally in the groove with him.

shannon and i went to tracy's birthday dance party at next tonight. it was really funny because before hand we were both like "are you going to dance?" and i told her i dance all the time at home, but i don't dance in public without a little bit of alcohol. since it was a dry party (because next doesn't have a liquor licence) i wasn't sure how comfortable i'd be – sometimes i'm still held back by my inner baptist. so we went to the lcbo and bought a bottle of australian wine (in honor of tracka – the bottle was plastic, it was really funny) and drank most of it at shan's house. we felt like the drunk kids crashing the school dance. i wasn't drunk, but it was enough to make me wobbly – i CAN'T hold my liquour. we went and danced the night away. i danced so hard i ripped my pants. hahaha, it's not really as it sounds, but i still ripped them nonetheless. it was funny because shannon, chelsea and i went into the "make-out room" (or at least it SEEMED like a room set up for make-out sessions. chelsea and todd claim to have made out in there, but garry and i don't believe it. those stelmachs can't be trusted :p ) and tracka twirlled fire. all in all it was a fun time.

illusions in my mind.

hyperbole

you know what? i'm incredibly fortunate to have some of the best friends in the world :)

oh my goodness.... i LOVE this SONG. it sets me on fire and makes me feel so amazingly alive. i dance around my little room with dance moves no one else can see.

i like sentences that go like: "she had had enough" and "he realized that that dog was up to something". like, what's up with those double words?? it blows my mind!

at lunch i discovered that i'd left my trashy novel at home and i felt a pang of separation anxiety. i'm becoming unwittingly attached to it.

the fair has arrived at the m centre across the street. it is my least favourite part of year – when my street is over taken my circus mongers and tractors. i'm bracing myself for the saturday morning country karaoke that will take place a stone's throw away from the pad.

we're rolling neon lights and slinking purple skies.

one tooth. two teeth.

today is my 5th anniversary. i've been working for bombardier for 5 years. wow, it feels like a long time and not at the same time. i can't get over how much my life drastically changed at that point. well, i don't suppose it was noticeably drastic at the time but it's so glaring obvious when i look back. it's been a good 5 years. 5 of the best. i was 23, so unbelievably young i've grown in leaps and bounds both professional and personally since then. it's neat. i wonder where i'll be in 5 years from now. i'll be 33.

i forget all the bad things.

it's funny, my phone just rang, when i answered it the person said "hi lesley, it's paul" and i said "paul who?" hahaha. oh, just paul who i drive to and from work with every day. you'd think the french accent would've tipped me off. i feel kind of guilty about that. paul who... hahaaha

i wrote a story about rachel's bathroom.

i have to admit, i'm really getting hooked on my trashy/clean novel. i'm a sucker for sentences like "he was more handsome than ever, with a devilish grin and devastating gaze... every inch a scamp".

my truest smiles are the ones i make with my eyes.

not trying to catch your eye, not trying to touch your hand,
not trying to show you part of me no one else can find.

virtue

paul likes the way i say "bizarre" and "i know" all the time.
i like the way paul says "seriously".
shannon likes the way paul dances.
i like the way shannon leads as a gentleman dance partner.

since i downgraded to basic cable i have a very limited selection to choose from for when i do my workout after work. i ellipticate for 45 minutes. oddly enough, i've begun watching "dr. quinn, medicine woman" on vision tv. it's pretty amusing. we were so obsessed with that show in my tweens. it's kind of funny to watch, i thought i'd hate it, but it's given me a few good laughs, i don't take it as seriously as i once did. i'm almost looking forward to watching it tomorrow! hahaha. who am i?!?!

if i forget, won't you wake me up?
remind me not to feel a thing.

daisy chain

my day did not start off so well. i arrived at work to discover one of my external hard-drives was not responding. it's my big hard-drive with all my working files on it, everything i've done this year. obviously i was kicking myself for only backing up my files on cd once a year (in december). however, i knew getting upset, stressed and sick to my stomach over it wouldn't help anything, so i remained calm. i informed my colleagues of the handicap and called the IT department. chuck the computer guy suggested trying it on another computer, and we managed to get it working on frank's mac. so he copied all the contents onto his computer and we now have to find a way to put everything back on my compy. it's totally weird when there's no explanation for the defunct behaviour. it was working, i could turn it on as per usual, but nothing. i hate it when that happens in life. like when a person dies, or i lose something and can't find it, it's so frustrating because for all intensive purposes life is the same, except it's not.

i emailed the head of HR for info on getting a leave of absence. she didn't respond. sounds familiar. i think ignoring emails is a really popular thing to do lately. it's becoming very trendy... i told my mom today that i'm afraid they won't approve my leave and that i'll end up working in my cubicle for the rest of my life. ironically later this afternoon knickers made a comment about me wanting to work there for another 30 years, and i said to her "i do?" i hope she picked up on the hint. i think i decided today that if i'm still working there in 10 years that i will force myself to go else where. there is so much more to life than a stanchy office. i really want to eventually do something else. i don't like living in survive mode. i'm not a survivor, i'm a liver. give me room to move and grow! because i'm feeling squashed, there must be more than this!!!

his time is up.

i'm reading this ridiculous novel right now. i've read two trilogies by the same author before; the first one i loved, the second one was ok (however it did provoke my obsession with pirates), but this one feel so trite and predictable. girl has unacknowledged crush on scoundrel who is handsome and everyone else swoons over except for her. i can guarantee that after she keeps her distance and he makes bold gestures to get her attention they will fall in love and get married. frig. why do i read this garbage. they're always the same – its always the most beautiful underprivileged girl (or boy) who is strong willed and fights against the opposing forces of the world and triumphs over the odds. oh, we mustn't forget the little detail that the girl is unaware of her beauty and the way everyone regards her. i swear, if i write a book it'll be about an ordinary girl who is plan to look at and gets ignored by mostly everyone. that was one of my favourite elements of "a complicated kindness". oh, and i think i'd like for everything NOT to work out in the end. that seems most realistic.

i want them to hate me so you can love me on the sly.

ransom

we had the funnest pizza party at next today. it was so great. i like it when everyone stays and mingles together. you know? that's the way it should be. it made me really happy.

i am a highly communicative person. at least in written form. via writing i will tell people things i wouldn't say under normal circumstances. i think i assumed everyone was that way. but i'm starting to grasp that not everyone feels natural while writing. in fact, for some people writing is an unbelievable challenge.

i'm not sure why, but i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is completely fraudulent. a total phony, and he's the only person who doesn't know it.

this evening melissa came over for a cup of tea and a visit. it was funny because when she arrived she gave me a big hug in the kitchen, the curtains were wide open and a lady walking by the front of my house was watching us. we laughed, but it seemed so weird! like, can't a girl hug her friend in the privacy of her own kitchen? jeepers...

tomorrow i'm going to ask HR about the possibility of taking a leave of absence from work for 6 to 8 weeks in the new year. nothing to be concerned about, i'm just considering having a grand adventure and a meaningful experience beyond the boarders of my ordinary life. the knickers will not be pleased, hence the reason i'm bypassing her and asking HR. cross your fingers....

i'm working it out.

maze

i wonder about that expression "things happen when you least expect it". like, what's the deal with that? do expectations seriously hinder things from happening? and what's the difference between expectations and hopes?

shannon and i had a wonderful adventure over on the island today. we took the ferry across to wolfe island and went for a long bike ride to big sandy bay. melissa had told me that it only takes 30 minutes, but it took us closer to 50. we're slow. we sat in the sand for a long time talking and eating chocolate. after we were there a while we noticed a dog come out of on to the beach about 75 ft away. it was alone and was coming right at us. shannon commented "oh, it's a dog wearing a life-jacket" we both laughed and found it strange. but as it sauntered closer we realized it wasn't a life-jacket at all! in actuality, his torso had been painted black with a large yellow "32" on both sides!!! he kept going and had a bit of a limp. no other dogs came along nor did any people. just a lone dog apparently escaped from a race of some sort. i'm seriously not making this up! it was frickin' hilarious. on the way back to town we got caught in a light rain, which wouldn't have been a big deal except it lasted for our entire 50 minute ride back and by the time we reached the island grill for dinner we were drenched.

thankfully, we went up to st. margaret's hall for an old fashion hoedown, which made us all hot from the square dancing so our damp clothes were refreshing. we had a super fun time, it was neat because rhonda & isaac were there, and so was carpooler paul. the last dance made me super dizzy. it was a good time. once again being on the island got me thinking that maybe i should move there soonish, but when i arrived back at my house i remembered how much this is home for me. i'm not ready to move there, some day but not yet.

you could throw me a bone.

snub

i don't know why, but i guess i don't really want to. knowing doesn't change anything. i just don't want it to be, and the why feels irrelevant.

you've got to put the fire out.

i wonder why everyone is so much more pleased about it than i am.

i'd like a definite no, if nothing else.

my shirt is damp from the rain.

we're a peanut-butter and jam sandwich.

nobody knows which street to take

(in)famous

so funny thing..... oh nothing...

joy came over tonight and we had a nice visit. i filled her in on my life changes, and she confirmed me in the directions i feel most drawn to. it feels good to have her along on this ride with me. i can't help but wonder if it's a coincidence that everyone's instincts are saying the same or if it just means we're all right but don't know it yet.

i got my phone switched to cable phone tonight. that reminds me, i should record a new outgoing message on my voicemail. apparently that doesn't transfer with my number. so ya, my number's the same. KIM-HAYS. now i can call beck up north for the same amount of money as calling melissa tebrake in k-town. not like i'd exercise that right, i hate the phone, i only answer it 40% of the time. i don't even know why i have one actually.

you'd be proud of me if you knew.

i will bring a song to you.

vagina

i just got a letter from the love of your life. it made me laugh out loud, and at times almost cry. when he talked about his love for you i smiled from ear-to-ear, it's like an old-fashion sonnet. you truly are the most romantic couple i know, it's lovely. he is indeed an incredible person, and i am blessed to know him. and you too! there's something amazing about hand-written letters; emails and the computer age just can't replicate it.

tracy invited me to a stitch n' bitch at made4you tonight. it was the first one ever. it'll be held on the first wednesday of each month. i'm excited since i'm looking for opportunities to meet new people and mingle in new circles. it was a smallish group tonight, but i enjoyed myself, and tracy helped me figure out what i was doing wrong with my crochetting, so i'm going to have to rip it out AGAIN! the stitch n' bitch was run by a girl named meredith, i was amused to discover his full name was "meredith lesley" which is super fun because my name is "lesley meredith". i think the strangest part about that, is that she's the SECOND meredith lesley i've met THIS YEAR! madness! anyways, i'm pretty happy because i now have a new activity that doesn't cost me anything. yay! i'm making progress.

i know i'm not done yet. i haven't got it out of my system yet, or alternatively i haven't fully absorbed it. regardless, it'll still be a number of days before i switch to something else.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

target

if it isn't obvious right away, then i think the answer's pretty clear. that being said, i'm going to consider everything ELSE you told me.

sometimes i don't like the words that come out of my own head.

if you don't try how will you know?

metamorphosis

well, another labour day has come and gone and i'll be putting my white accessories away for another year. ok, not quite. i've never understood that whole after labour day thing.

i've had a lovely relaxing day of relaxing and cleaning. i got every room in the house done except for my room. i ran out of time because i was going to melissa's place for a bbq at 5. i had a really good time. i have to admit, i was a little nervous, which is stupid because i KNOW i can make conversation with just about anyone. but i've gotten out of the habit of stretching myself, becoming lazy in my comfort zone. but i went, and i mingled and i talked about work with about 5 different people (it's a good thing i like my job and my industry), and left feeling really happy, i enjoyed all the people i talked to. i'm glad she invited me :) and it was perfect timing since i'm looking for opportunities to mingle in new circles. not that i'm tired of the people i know or anything, i just need expand my world and mix it up a little.

you know what i've noticed about my car? that it provokes envy in the male species. it's not a super fancy car or anything, but whenever it gets mentioned, men always raise both their eyebrows and say "ooh, i really like those cars" – without fail!

it's nice to know that i have a huge group of cheerleaders behind me as i try to figure out the next path for my life.

i'm so glad i don't have to go back to school tomorrow. i've been graduated for 7 years, and every year i feel relieved that i don't have to go to class. phew! i'm so glad my chosen profession worked out for me.

i asked and you told me
"go give it all you got".

moo cow

this has been a long day. i can't even believe that this morning i was at next. i experience this sensation usually when vacationing, or when a lot of variety has filled one day, so i'm quite surprised that i'm feeling this way on a regular sunday.

i went for a long bike ride today around town. when i got home i was dripping from sweat and decided to go over to leo lafleur across the street. it cost $4.15, so i really wanted to make the most of it and stayed in the water way longer than i wanted to. then i laid on the pool deck in the sun, i think i dozed off because i woke up feeling really peaceful. i got home just in time to get redressed and comb my hair before heading over to michelle's place for dinner. then later to the butlers place. it was really nice. bob was a prime example about how i can make people laugh purely thru my story delivery and not from the content.

i was thinking today about how one time i was rambling to david about my name – if i married someone with the last name lesley, i would just go by "lesley" and not "lesley lesley". he suggested "lesley²" but i told him "no, i've already thought of that and have decided against it. seriously, i've put a lot of thought into this" and he said "of course you have. you put a lot of thought into everything". hm. it's true, i think about everything to great depths, and i wonder if that's a huge problem. perhaps i shouldn't think so much and just do. but really, i don't think i overthink things because of worry or fret. i think about everything very throughly because i like to, and quite honestly because i haven't got anything else to think about. i wonder what other people spend their time thinking about. notice how this paragraph started as "i was thinking...". tell me what consumes YOUR mind most of the time?

i had some pepsi at michelle's tonight. it was the first time i've had caffeine in a month. i'm totally awake. i think i'll be a while before i get drowsy, which is fine because i DON'T have to go to work tomorrow :D

i need a new beginning.

N18

obviously it's difficult for me to explain what's going on inside my head/being when i myself don't have a firm grasp of it. but somehow, defining myself as an introvert has really helped me see myself in focus – recognizing a lot of my behaviour (past & present) to be the result of my introverted nature. anyways, today i realized the reason why i celebrate doing new things or hard things so much is because the fact that i've done anything is a huge achievement. i LOVE doing things, but am held back by my reserved side. there are so many thing i wish i've done differently in my life that now i'm trying to live in such a way that i don't regret anything. for example, this afternoon i went to see "anne & gilbert" by myself to a matinee show because i couldn't find anyone to go with. i missed seeing that play last year, and i'd be damned if i'd let myself miss out because i didn't have a comrade to go with. it was ok, the role of gilbert was weak, but i had a really good seat and i'm proud of myself for going and for having a nice time. yay for les! maybe i'm babystepping my way to boldness. today the grand theatre, tomorrow the world :p

someone told me the other day "oh, you're such a funny girl", but i can't peg down what kind of funny i am! i can get some good laughs out of people, but it's usually the result of my satirical theatrics. my overdramatics or utter randomness. but regardless, i don't suppose it matters that i'm not your typical joke-cracking girl with a quick comeback or witty anedote. i like getting people to laugh at me, i enjoy it a great deal.

faith does not grow in a house of certainty.

badger

you know what the funny thing about moms is? that they know things about their kids that the kids don't know about themselves. i was talking with my very own mom today and she said a couple very insightful things that i didn't know about myself. first of all, she said "as much as you like to think you aren't, you're actually a lot more conservative then you think. it's because of your upbringing". i was really surprised to hear this. not that i think i'm some kind of radical or anything, but i don't recall ever being called conservative in my life. she went on to say that i'm very organized – which shocked me even more because i've always been the unorganized chaotic one in my family, and well i suppose i am compared to the rest of our clan. i got thinking about what conservative means, and specifically about what i was meaning when i called beckie a conservative driver. basically, i was meaning she's a cautious driver, calculated and moderate. when i thought of it that way, i suppose i could honestly use those three adjectives to describe myself (although, they wouldn't be my first choice, or even in my top ten). the other thing that stood out to me from my conversation with my mom was, i said to her "i really don't like being outside my comfort-zone", and she said very sarcastically "noooo.... reaaallllyyyy?? hm, i didn't know that about myself until i said it, but it seemed pretty darn obvious to her! funny. well, it was good to realize and i'll have to keep this in mind as i go forward and make some decisions about my future. basically, the one key thing i've discovered is that i don't actually WANT to do anything – including not wanting to do nothing. which is quite the conundrum. and well, that shows me that i can't just go with my gut because it'll tell me 'NO' every time.

i think what it comes down to is i'm an introverted extrovert. i'm an introvert who's taught herself how to interact with strangers and acquaintances, and how to make conversation. once i get to know someone i'm extremely extroverted and boisterous. but ultimately, i'm a very shy and it inhibits me far more than anyone knows. keep in mind, there's a huge difference between a quiet person and a shy person. i'm LOUD and shy, but my volume doesn't make me less awkward, it only masks it. that's why i love extroverts so much, because they're easy to be around and they're everything i'm not.

you know what? i don't want to make a decision. i just want life to be easy and things to fall into place for me. i realize it doesn't work that way, and i shouldn't even wish for such things, but i do. i'm just being honest.

if this is the life
why does it feel so good to die today?

pragmatic

i was at brenda's place for dinner the other night, and she lent me a book called the shack. i sped thru it during my two days off work sick. it's a beautiful story of a man who's experienced significant tragedy then several years later met up with God in a shack – literary (the trinity: father, son and spirit). it reminds me a lot of our lady of the lost and found (where mother mary came to stay with a woman for a month or so). it's been really neat seeing how God interacts with this man and it tackles some pretty challenging questions. it's just really lovely, and it makes me smile from ear to ear and beam a little bit. i'm not done yet, mostly because i'm pacing myself. i have to admit, the first part about the tragedy was quite detailed and i found it tiny bit unsettling. but that's just me, i think bren found it very captivating.

katie and chris from downstairs are moving out as i write. i like them, i'll miss having them around. i hope the new people are half as good – i don't even bother hoping they'll be AS good, because katie and chris were pretty nice. but i suppose everyone is different, and the new people will probably be nice in different ways. i assume it's a couple. it's a very coupleish apartment, very well suited to young couples not quite ready for their own home. it gives them enough of responsibility to get their feet wet – they mow the lawn, tend the garden and shovel the driveway.

i'm going to get into my pjs and read. i'm still sick and my resilience is down. i'm excited about tomorrow, ferrence is going to wear his new hawaiian shirt to work. it should be very entertaining.

i've got nowhere to go, so move
don't move so slow, i can't take it

expiration date

i slept late today due to my cold. when i woke up, i laid in bed for a while thinking, and felt pressed by the question "maybe it's time to move on?". i don't particularly want to leave kingston, but i would for the right reason. i definitely don't like the idea of moving for no purpose whatsoever. i think the greatest question is am i taking enough risks? and truly i'm not, i don't think i'm taking any risks at all. i like the idea of stepping out boldly and having a rewarding result. i want a life changing experience because i feel i've got the most i can out of my current state. and really, living here year after year, working at the same job, participating at the same church, doing all the same things, will just produce the same results. so... i feel like i'm reaching a crossroads. i need to decide what to do, because i don't want to do the same old thing any longer. i think i'd be willing to make the right risks, calculated risks, if the were likely to pay-off. i've already done the whole move-to-another-city-alone thing (with no job, no friends, no church) and it was one of my worst life experiences (not in every way, but in most ways). i actually feel i can be most effective here and live in such a way that i matter to those around me. and yet i still antsy and restless. this bothers me because i can't even blame it on the weather because it's summer! i guess what it comes down to, is that i've recently come to fully appreciate that all my worries will work themselves out, that everything will be ok and my future is in good hands. but the thing is... i want that right now! and you see... i DO see myself leaving kingston eventually (hopefully not forever, but maybe for a decade), so i think "maybe i should just do that". i guess what i'm saying is, i have no idea what to do, but what i've been doing just isn't doing it for me anymore. and if i was to be honest about it, it hasn't been for quite some time now. i'm not unhappy, but i got a glimpse into the world unknown and it made me realize how much more happy i could/would be.

i want my cup to overflow!

i watched a make-over show today, there was a 32-year-old woman who was probably the most dorky, old ladyish girl i've ever seen. they set her up with a hidden camera to see how she interacted with men. at one point she said "oh! do you want to see my knitting? i take it everywhere i go" and she pulled out a sock she'd been working on, not unsimilar to the sox i do. they later chastised her and told never talk about knitting on a date again, or even better "don't even tell them knitting is one of your hobbies, it makes you sound like a granny". hm..... does knitting make me seem old ladyish? i approach knitting as an art form. so many of my friends are knitters that i don't think anything of talking about it openly. however, that girl WAS really old ladyish, while we are not... i think.

i don't want to be part of the problem.

**********************************
addendum:
ironically, i just read this quote in the novel i'm reading "growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown".

where

i'm sick.
i got a cold from babysitting the kids – as usual. i feel pretty awful. i'm really glad i stayed home from work.

i think it's funny that i can't remember if i've ever been inside a dumpster before. i have a feeling i have been, but there's no logical explanation for that.

i like an adult version of my 14-year-old self.

i have a problem.

i walked to the store this morning to buy a loaf of bread. i've been eating it compulsively. i don't know why, but for some reason i really like it. i even made a peanut butter sandwich.

when i was a kid the flintstones were always on at noon. to this day i still think when i'm at home during the day "oh the flintstones...." then i remember it's not 1985 anymore. the flintstones are great, they SHOULD still play them at noon every day.

my new haircut makes my hair looks good all the time. even today when i didn't brush it, it still looks good! i've never had a haircut like that before. someday when i get dreads i'm going to ask rachel to do them for me. i have good plans for my future, if i don't start moving forward soon i'm going to start feeling as though i'm moving backwards.

i should be living.

tangible

when is the season going to change??

there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

hook

sometimes matters of the heart really aren't that hard to comprehend.

my mom and i babysat my niece and nephews while joy & tim went to toronto to celebrate their 10th anniversary. it's hard to believe it's been ten years. i think it's lovely for them but creepy for me. i guess it makes me feel like they're accomplishing yet another milestone, while i spend my time plotting milestones that involve skinny-dipping or donating blood. i bet if i'd come from a bigger family i wouldn't feel so unaccomplished compared to my sister. i really enjoyed the kids, and honestly... i was a little sad to give them back. but my friends tell me i needn't worry, i'll have my own someday. in the meantime i'll continue enjoying my freedom and my full & expansive life.

i gave my mom a copy of hatch. for those of you who haven't read it yet, i wrote my story about her. i was a little worried about what she'd say, i was worried i had the facts wrong. she'd never told me her story of coming to canada in one sitting before, it's been something i've pieced together over the years. she smiled and laughed, commented, and complimented as she read, and as it turns out the only thing i got wrong is that she came here in 1968 instead of 1967. i think she was really touched by my take on things and said i had some really beautiful lines. she said "when you write it this way, it makes me feel really special!" and i told her "good! because you ARE special". i was hoping she'd feel that way. i think writing is an amazing way to get to see yourself thru someone else's eyes.

i done gone and cut 4" off my hair. it was an accident, but i think it's much healthier now. it was kind of strange, no one's ever used a straightening iron on my hair before, it's already super straight.

avoid beginners
who long to shut my mouth.

accidental

oh my goodness. that girl gets a rise out of me like no other. she's my arch-rival, my arch-nemesis and doesn't even know it. i THINK she knows i exist, but how much she knows/cares of me i have no idea. that's partly why it's so weird that i feel so insanely intimidated and jealous of her. i think i loathe her a little bit. but only because i wish she wasn't my rival, and a tiny bit of me wishes she'd go away. i wonder if that will change when i meet her some day. perhaps i'll be pleasantly surprised by her wonderful nature and will scold myself for ever feeling ill towards her. i hope so, because this has gone one for way too long. the funny thing is for months at a time i forget she exists. but then i hear her name, or facebook suggests that we know each other and that green monster rears it's ugly head once again.

i had a couple free minutes this evening, so i picked up my crochet hook and yarn and started working. so far it's going quite well, although i've only done 5 stitches. i totally believe the rumors that crocheting is easier than knitting and faster. i'm excited to be learning this wonderful skill. it makes me feel like i'm learning to write with my left-hand.

that song reminds me of you in the most intense way.

beckie thinks i'm a reckless driver. i don't disagree with her, but i don't think i'm unsafe. meh. whatever. i don't profess to be a good driver. i debated with her more from the stance that it doesn't matter. i think i won by default because she was the passenger and i was the driver.

i have to admit, all the best details of my life get omitted from this thing.

laugh to erase the dirt on your mind

sealift

i have a problem with my eyebrows.

we lied on their bed and watched dr. horrible.

break your own glass ceiling.

in droves

today i bought a crochet book. i'm gonna learn to do it, although, i kind of don't want to. i'd rather knit. but... i said i'd learn, and learn i shall. i'd like to make that dream a reality (the dream that made me think i knew how to crochet when i woke up in the morning). i figure, what the hey.... i have no reason not to!

i've found that sometimes it changes my day to be told by someone other than myself that "it's going to be ok". so i've decided to remind people of that at random. because it is you know, even if it doesn't feel that way. (ok, now it's your turn to tell me....)

i burnt my tongue at lunch really badly. it still smarts.

i get by with a little help from my friends.

metronome

i found a carpooler! yay! he called me last week and we arranged to start this morning. his name is paul, he's an intern. he doesn't have a car, so he's just going to drive with me and contribute to my gas money. he lives pretty close to my house, so that worked out nicely. i figured if i found someone they'd be in their 20s because all the older people at my work live in the west-end. last week when he called me i thought he sounded east-indian, but he has a french name, so i wasn't sure what to expect. but it turns out i'm just really bad at placing accents because he's québécois. he talks easily and laughs easily – so right away i felt pretty comfortable, which is good because i was kind of nervous about who i could end up with. he's 21 and his english is broken. it reminded me of another young 21-year-old frenchman i once knew, and i told my new friend paul stories about my old friend vinc'. probably the funniest and most unexpected thing was when i told him i knit he said "me too!" he just finished a toque with a pompom. i asked him how long it took him, he said "it was my first one, so... 30 hours" that sounds pretty fast to me considering i took 4 months to knit a pair of sox. he thought it was so amazing that i knitted too, he said i'm the first english girl he knows who knits. having a carpooling buddy will be an adjust, i can't late and i don't have the freedom to make stops on the way home, but it'll have it's perks. i've been needing more guy friends. and i already feel like this new friend has enriched my life, and the gas money will be great. we live in such an isolated world, where we all drive in our own cars and have our own powertools and washing machines. but sometimes stepping outside our circles of comfort can be unexpectedly rewarding. i'm just not very good at discerning which risks to take, and which ones i should let slide.

that means no where i come from.

neato!

check this out! one of my photos from flickr was selected to be used on a montréal travel site! look! someone contacted me about a month ago for my permission for my photo to be submitted. i said that was a-ok. no... i don't get paid (i'm sure some of you were wondering), but it's still really neat!

periwinkle

somewhere along the way, i became loyal to the core. i swear i wasn't always this way, or at least i didn't identify it as loyalty because i guess i just assumed everyone was this way. i'm dedicated and committed to a fault, or at least it feels like a fault because sometimes it's extremely painful. the agony makes me wish i could be bad and let people down sometimes, but that hurts too. the way i see it right now... loyalty is the lesser of two evils.

i had a totally great time with beck at her cottage this weekend. we watched a lot of olympics, we went swimming, we laid on the dock in our bikinis reading in the sun, and i finally finished the sox i was knitting for her birthday (which was back in april). i enjoyed her company immensely. last night i walked down to the water alone in the dark, slipped into the water and slipped OFF my swimsuit. i'd never been skinny-dipping before. it was fun. although, i kind of felt like i was in a massive bathtub. except it was a bathtub full of algae.

i finished eat pray love. it was really good and i thoroughly enjoyed it (as it turns out, it's yet ANOTHER one of the books i've read in the last year that's being made into a movie). however, i must admit my intense disappointment that she fell in love at the end. i was a little worried that she might (since the last section was called 'love') because i'm really tired of the mentality that going full-circle means finding love. barf (oops, excuse my spontaneous gag-reflex). i didn't want her year of self-discovery to HAVE TO include a relationship. and i'm kind of annoyed that this unconventional woman ended up having such a predictable ending. i'm not against falling in love, i'd like to fall in love again someday, but it was just a bit of a yawn. regardless, i loved the book, and i look forward to the flick. it was a good and easy read.

i've concluded i'm a bit of a mystic. it's funny the things i learn about myself on a regular basis. it's strange when you consider that i've been with myself for the last 28 years, you'd think there'd be little that surprises me about myself anymore. but there's lots. i guess that's a good thing or else i could become easily bored with me.

i have my mind's eye on you.

now that nothings spoken, she's out there on the ice again.

kaleidoscope

i'm going to beckie's cottage for the weekend. she told me if i'd like to bring my bike than we can go for a bike ride to the closest town. i was very excited about having the freedom to throw my bike into the mojomobile and head north. how awesome is that?!!? i heart my new car (truck? suv? what would you call it?? i'll just call it mojo).

this morning as i went out to the car to put my bags in the before heading back for my bike, i was very startled to see a man standing at the gates of the memorial centre in full army fatigues and helmet holding a large gun. my instinct was to hide behind the big maple tree beside my driveway. it was extremely disconserting. i wondered if perhaps i'd missed some kind of crucial news on the radio. when i went back for my bike, i noticed about three army trucks in the field of the m centre. i concluded they were doing some kind of war games. regardless, i felt very uncomfortable, and it made me really sympathize with all the people around the world who wake each morning and go about their regular day with the military standing on their street corners. it was also a sobering experience. thankfully in my case it was just a drill, so the shock of it amused me. i love when something is so shocking that it's funny. the kind of thing that makes me gasp for air and cover my mouth. that's kind of why i like my profile pic, it's pretty true to life.

blush your face off.

simplex

as i stood around with ferrence today, frank came along with a picture to show us taken in 1978 of the two of them and a group of 3 other people. it was neat to see, frank's hair was pretty long and ferrence's hair still had colour. after they'd walked away i got thinking about the fact that they existed, as full grown adults in 1978, over a year before i was even born. and yet 30 years later i'm their friend and colleague. before i didn't exist, and now i do. it amazes me to think of frank unaware of meeting me in the future. it's so crazy! i've always been conscious of the fact that there are people out there who i don't know, who i'll later develop deep and meaningful friendships with. but they exist someplace. it's amazing to think that in 30 years, i could be standing beside a friend of mine, who is currently absent from this sphere. that's pretty incredible.

you know what makes me sad about the olympics? how much it glorifies medals. i almost hope we don't win any at all. why does everyone have to be the world's frickin best 'whatever'. why can't we just be? why can't we celebrate our individual awesomeness without feeling inadequate because we're not the ultimate best in the world?? because to be number one at something actually means you're freakishly good. i'm only freakishly good at two things, and i won't be getting a medal for either of those. ok, maybe three things. regardless, it took me a long time to come to terms that i'm not the supreme master of anything, but i know i'm good at stuff. i'm still a valuable person even if i wouldn't win a competition.

i'm going to breathe deep.

lose yourself in summer thoughts.

misnomer

i rush, not to get there faster but instead, to get the waiting over with.

am i crazy?

wait

it was a red-letter day, so we sat in the goat with candles in our cakes and noticed they didn't have smoke-detectors. she wished for speedy hair growth and i wished for more conventional well-being.

the break-down of language lead to our ultimate demise. perhaps demise is too strong of a word, perhaps indifference is more appropriate.

i will begin each day with my face to the ground.

i think you were in my home when i was away. did you leave a note on my door, because if you did, it blew away. i looked for it, but it was gone. or maybe it was never there.

i forgot this was a two-way window.

i just didn't care enough. which is ironic because i usually care too much. or maybe i just care in all the wrong instances, in all the wrong ways. i've grown to suspect that there's something off-beat about me. i'm always jumping out of sync.

would you rather see me waste my time on something else?

prostrate

i talk a lot. i could talk a hind leg off a blind beggar. i'm like that. it causes me to eat slowly because i'm distracted by my own talking, and i need my hands. my hands are an active participant in my talking. i like listening too though. i love great conversation when both people are equally discussing the topic at hand instead of taking turns. however, i read today in my book that being a big-talker can be a spiritual liability. and that one must learn to be quiet. that made sense to me, and fits with my new ambition of balanced living.

i was telling ferrence today about my grandpa. he was a sprinter and was going to compete in the olympics, but his first wife wouldn't let him go because they were having martial problems. incidentally he was faster than the guy who won gold. i think that's a cool story about ole sarge. my grandpa was known as 'sarge', even my dad and all my uncles call him that. he had red hair like joelle.

if i could go back and write different things, i would. and you would fall in love with me and know that i exist. but instead i'll store up all the things i wish i could say, and wish you could hear, and hope someday those words will pass between us.

sometimes you just know what you're looking for.

p.s.

i
am
so
screwed.

speedo

i start back at work tomorrow. i feel as though i'm embarking on a new journey. i want more balance in my life, i also want to just live without strife, or exhausting efforts. things are going to be different. there are some things from my regular life that i don't want to do anymore, i'm dropping them cold-turkey: guilt, obligation, life-juggling, exhaustion, borrowing worries.

i'm in this weird mood today. i woke-up feeling totally not yet fully slept, then went to church semi-incapacitated. just ask rach. however, this afternoon, i hopped on my eliptical and did an awesome complete work-out for about an hour. i'd forgotten how euphoric a workout can be. this is going to be a part of my new life set-up. i want more space in my life. i want some breathing room. i want structure and boundaries. i want to say no and that to be ok. i want a new kind of courage and peace of mind. i won't be manipulated anymore, i am my own person. i belong to me.

i'm excited about this. i'm really very happy actually :) ok, well... hi-five les! everything's going to be better than ok. it's just yet another molehill to conquer.

this is shannon and beckie at the festival yesterday. beck is totally exhausted and freezing cold but i made her sit up so i could take this pictures. we had a really nice time.

like a child, we get hungry and restless and wicked and wild.

butt cracks

perhaps that basket is the best and most safest place to keep all my eggs.

there are no boats.

salchow

my big sister and i got hooked on the olympics in 1988 when it was held in calgary. in 1992, i was horribly disillusioned and disappointed when ben johnson got busted for doping. since then i've continued to love the olympics, but am not blind to it's glaring flaws. i realize it's terribly exploitive, i know it's excessive and an awful expense, i'm completely aware that the IOC is disgustingly powerful. i've heard my uncle rant how the olympics are totally political, and the munich games should have been canceled after the shootings. i've been following the free-tibet protests, and china's poor human-rights records. however, when i watch those opening ceremonies my heart is warmed, and i feel a sense of hope for this world unfelt at any other time of year. i watched, a record breaking, 204 countries march into the bird's nest, and reflected on the fact that in spite of all it's faults, nothing brings the world together like it. that's my favourite part of the summer olympics, that it's so inclusive, that and there's more scantily clad male athletes :p aside from that i'm more partial to the winter games.

i'm not a sports enthusiast. i've been rubbed the wrong way by people who are die-hard sports fans. i'm not competitive, and am creeped out by people who take athletics too seriously. but, when it comes to the olympics, i'm able to ignore the bad taste in my mouth. i love how i learn things about different countries and world history thru this event. it reminds me of art history, but it's sport history instead.

my favourite part of the opening ceremony is the parade of nations. i kind of wished i had someone there with me as i watched to make amusing comments to or share tidbits of information with. instead i just talked outloud to my reflection in the window next to the tv. i do that a lot, it's weird. it makes me feel like anne of frickin green gables.

i remember in 2001 when toronto was bidding on the 2008 olympics. i had just graduated college, and i was super thrilled about TO hosting. i thought i'd be living in toronto, and imagined attending different sporting events in the evenings after work. funny how things turn out different than we expect.

you’re on my mind.

quietude

i've been having a really great vacation. i mean totally fantastic. just what i needed. i've rested, i've relaxed without having to watch the clock or have a schedule, i've read my book, i've been doing a jig-saw puzzle. each day is a lovely adventure. it makes me wish i was a stay-at-home person, but no doubt i'd get sick of this after an extended period of time.

-s-a-t-u-r-d-a-y-
slept in, did some letter writing, read my book, lied around, got some take-out sushi, watched a movie on the tv (it's all gone pete tong), started my mona lisa puzzle (quite honestly the hardest puzzle i've ever done, it's the mona lisa made up of words. insanely hard).

-s-u-n-d-a-y-
went to rustle, read my book, lazed around, david arrived, sat around, went out for dinner, watched a movie on the tv (mr & mrs smith), stayed up late talking.

-m-o-n-d-a-y-
woke-up early, ate breakfast, sat on my balcony enjoying the morning, david left, had a long nap, went for a walk in cataraqui cemetery, rented "the namesake", worked on puzzle

-t-u-e-s-d-a-y-
got up late morning, went for long bike ride to belle island park (i saw some deers! they came up to me and one stood about 15 ft away from me! he's eating something in this picture, he wasn't as shy as he appears he was remarkably brave!), made shepherds pie, watched "stranger than fiction".

-w-e-d-n-e-s-d-a-y-
couldn't force myself out of bed before 11:30, went to the aquatic golf range (was a square peg in a round hole, probably the only "hippie" golfing in bare feet and listening to an ipod while poorly driving at the tee... ever), went for crazy long bike ride around the "extended big block", made a casserole, intermittently watched tv in between stints of working on my super challenging puzzle.

-t-h-u-r-s-d-a-y-
attempted to get up early but failed (10:30), went downtown to run errands and go to the goat, got caught in rain, made 3 birthday cards, watched "nobody knows" (picked it up at the library this afternoon).

wow, when i lay it all our like that it seems like i've done very little and sounds kind of boring! but whatever, i've had a totally great time, and i've excited that i still have one day off before a weekend. THANK YOU EVERYONE for giving me an undisturbed week. i'm clearly feeling more rejuvenated because i actually felt like blogging! but i want to be careful because i could easily get overwhelmed again. i've enjoyed a week without a rapid heart-beat and i haven't been clenching my teeth due to stress. i want to keep that record going. so please don't have any expectations of me, and don't overload me with invitations, because i WILL have to say no for my (mental)health's sake. i dread the thought of going back to a stressed-out busy life. being at home has made me more keenly aware that i work a frickin 40-hour week, i can't be expected to always available or up for doing stuff. if i feel pressure from people for my time, i might be inclined to suggest they make more friends if they're so desperate for company. ok, maybe not, but in some cases that's not a bad suggestion. ok, now i'm just being cheeky. but seriously, why is it that some people have very few friends, and other's have too many?? i wish the lonely people could all just hangout and be happy together. because i've been drowning in needy people, or at least i was, and i can't tread-water like that anymore.

anyways, i've had a really amazing vacation. the best time ever (or at least the best staycation ever). i can't even express how often i've giggled and hugged myself in excitement that "i'm on vacation!" hurray still more one day of solitude left! see you at the festival on saturday??

i looked up and picked out a map in the sky.

license

i can't carry you anymore. i have my own burdens to bear. i know that life is heavy, but we've all be allotted our own load to lift. i love you. i care immensely, but i'm releasing you into the care of yourself. you're more capable than you think.

tomorrow is the first day of my week of solitude. i'll do what i want and bask in utter-freedom. i'll blog if i want. i won't if i don't. i'll have some company if i need it, i won't if i don't. no doubt a week of cutting myself off from my known world may seem cruel and unusual, and no doubt selfish. i won't waste time drawing attention to what drove me to this state, because really it was a culmination of many things – and i mostly have myself to blame. all i know is that it'll do me a lot of good, and probably everyone else as well.

i'm my own safe-haven lesley = grey fort.
i'm my own guardian of heart meredith = protector of the sea.
i'm my own knight-in-shining-armour mcknight = son of knight.

i'm going to be ok. i just need to watch out for myself better. i have the skills to do it.

come lay your weary head, be still my friend.

unforeseen

poor ole jay is in the hospital! he was on the cover of the whig, and i found the article online. he's going to be ok. when i read the article i actually teared up. way to go jay!

i'm feeling pretty good. i got EVERYTHING done this evening. my mom came over and we did the last of the YFC newsletter. brenda came over and we finished hatch and the make brochure, then i interviewed her for the standard, so i got that done too. i'm quite relieved and ready for my vacation. i'm SO excited.

on top of that, my kitchen is clean. bren did my dishes for me as i wrapped up the standard. that was such a wonderful and practical gift, and i really appreciate it. it's kind of humbling to accept such an offer. although, i did protest a lot, so i wasn't very humble about it. i just feel humbled now – in a good way.

rachel got me thinking. she mentioned that another indicator of whether you're introverted or extroverted is how you process things. so i thought about that (hint, hint) and concluded that i process everything internally, and then feel a need to share my thoughts with everyone (like right now for example). you won't find me talking about feelings or situations before i've got everything sorted out in my mind/heart. i'm quite reserved that way. and i usually write out my feelings in diaries or in emails as a means of figuring out how i'm feeling about something (so i guess there are a FEW people i'll talk to but mostly thru written word). so i guess this leaves me still quite in the middle. but that's ok, i don't like to be classified anyways :p

beauty attracts beauty.

dog strangling vine

i feel like i'm disintegrating. coming apart at the seams. i've taken on too much lately. therefore, much to my huge disappointment, i've decided to resign from doing the standard. which totally sucks because i really loved doing it, but i think it would be in my best interest to take a break from it for an undetermined length of time. i also feel really badly because i know we're short on people as it is. i've had a good run though. 3 years.

that's me to a tee though. i have difficulty saying 'no' to things because i don't want to put people in a difficult or sad situation. and honestly, it's not always because i want to, its more usually out of obligation. but i've decided to stop it. i need to learn to say no because right now i'm feeling physically sick because i'm so worn out. i should have seen this coming and taken preventative measures against it. but i didn't. i've concluded i need to learn to say no to people instead of displacing the blame, it's my fault i'm burnt out again. i can't just tell people not to invite me to stuff, i need to learn to say no.

he had the smallest elbows i've ever seen to my collection.

something really crazy happened at work yesterday. someone pooped on the floor of the ladies washroom!! it was SO DISGUSTING!! and i was so mad because this is a place of business, not some high school. we're all grown ups, and the perpetrator should have cleaned up after themselves. my goodness... (totally funny though, except i'm still a little bit too grossed out to laugh).

i heard about jay serdula on the cbc this morning. about his swim across lake ontario. it was funny to hear them quote him saying he was looking forward to getting a hot meal and some sleep. i was glad to hear he kept it kosher.

i baked myself a cake this evening as a reward. i don't bake much, and never a cake for no reason. it was just from a cake-mix. i put the icing on too soon and it melted, even though i waited a while, and the icing slid down to my table and made a mess. then the cake kind of fell apart when i tried to transfer it off the heat rack onto a plate. oh well, i'm still gonna eat it.

i could use a cuddle.

it's not going to stop
'til you wise up.

tribunal

when i heard his name i thought "who is that... he sounds familiar". after a really long delay i remembered who it was and i giggled inwardly. how could i forget HIM!?! oops.

melinda had to re-teach me how to do addition as we played yathzee tonight. i blame the champagne, but it's just as likely the result of over-use of the calculator. i have no need for basic math. but it's hard to say for sure, it's a chicken or egg kind of dilemma.

excuse me as i abandon all others and simply go crawl into bed.

if you want something, don't ask for nothing!

splecond

bob once told me that you can tell if you're an extrovert or an introvert by where you get your strength. whether you recharge in the company of others or thru alone-time. i honestly can't decide which does more for me. i've therefore concluded that it depends on many circumstances. but mostly... when i've had too much of one, i crave the other.

this has been an insanely busy weekend. i've spend oodles of time with lots of different lovely people. last night i even had an old-fashion sleep-over at melinda's house – it was like we were 14 again (except she wouldn't let me sleep in her bed with her). irina came over too and we made home-made pizza and talked about sex, drugs and rock'n' roll. or not. i'll let you decide. it was just like old times when we lived together at pirates cove.

i started reading "eat pray love" yesterday. the first line hooked me right away, how could i NOT love a book that starts with "i wished giovanni would kiss me" :) it's been an interesting read. i don't agree with her on all her beliefs, but that doesn't matter. it's got me thinking which is good. lately i've developed a real love for prayer. i look forward to praying because i'm suddenly aware of the fact that God hears me. that's opened up a whole new realm of possibility for me. i like how this book, and our discussion at next this morning, both falling in line with that fondness for prayer and they were all completely independent of each other. i like non-coincides.

good decisions reap good results.

all that you fashion
all that you make
all that you build
all that you break
all that you measure
all that you feel
all this you can leave behind.

sometimes a girl just needs to clean her home wearing nothing but her underclothes and ipod.

wide open mouths

this has been a whirl-wind of a week. i finish work at 4:30 to come home, turn on my computer and get cracking on MORE work (the YFC newsletter & hatch). some evenings not even bothering to get changed out of my work-clothes until bedtime. as a result the maxi-pad is a total mess, i haven't even unpacked from the camping trip. in spite of that, i've been quite pleased with myself because i've thrown both together in record time. i've been pushing myself so i have everything done before my vacation. i still have the MAKE brochure and the standard, plus changes to hatch and the newsletter. BUT i'm still ahead of my schedule. i'm a design MACHINE!!

i'll tell you a little something about me that you probably didn't know. before bed tonight, i'll probably open up hatch and look it over at least 3 or 4 more times. just looking. that's it, just to look at it. satisfaction doesn't even begin to describe how i feel about my work.

i want to have a conversation with you. about everything and nothing. to sit in silence or intense discussion. both would suffice.

i've been thinking today about this whole notion of excitement. anticipation. i'd have to say that waiting is one of the most grueling experiences i've endured. yup, most definitely. but there is some truth to the idea of anticipation being best part. when i think back on different events in my life, it was the preliminary enthusiasm about a trip, my job, my house, my car that was the most exciting. when i've finally acquired those things, i no longer felt enthusiasm. i was happy, most definitely. my life was changed. altered. but the emotions were definitely different. as much as waiting sucks, it has it good points. for example: before i got the mojomobile, but i was waiting for it, my gas was cheaper, my insurance was cheaper, and i had money because i hadn't yet paid my sister for it. i guess i concluded that i'll try to enjoy the enthusiasm of waiting – knowing that it doesn't last, but it's exhilarating while it does.

you think my life's a dream.
i dream my life away.

hackneyed

i decided to just skip over the whole weaning process and start the whole caffeine detox process right away. i've been doing pretty good too, i've been having 2 cups of decaf a day. i haven't had a headache since saturday, and today was the first day i was feeling stuffy as though a sinus headache was forming, but just didn't. i was talking to ferrence about it, and he though quiting caffeine was "a little excessive". he sees nothing wrong with having 4 cups of coffee a day. he used to drink 8. not that it's wrong, it's just not a good idea. sometimes the 5 generations between ferrence and i are more obvious than others times. he's retiring next week. there goes another work-friend. they're all dropping like flies! however, like a lot of the corporate mongers i'm surrounded by, he's coming back to work after the weekend he retires to consult.

i swear she uses the word 'neither' when it's supposed to be 'either'. but i can't prove it.

i just saw a white car drive pass my place slowly. i think it was you.

sometimes i think i wonder too much about the future and about how i'll look back on the present day. that probably comes more out of excitement than dissatisfaction.

i was only trying to be helpful and she was rather snooty. no wonder people are less inclined to be helpful these days, if they're received with less than enthusiasm. but whatever. i know i did good, and her rude manner will just be flushed from my brain the moment i finish this sentence – i'm ignoring inappropriate behaviour. it makes my life easier.

i've got a fire on the soles of my feet.

FASTA

it recently dawned on me, that when people says things i find insensitive, hurtful, offensive or i simply disagree with them... i can IGNORE them! i don't have to listen to them. i don't have to let their word bother me. it's really liberating to realize that everyone owns their own opinions and i live separate from them. i'm a separate entity and am also entitled to my own point of view.

i dug out some old photos of my parents today while looking for a picture for hatch. i looked thru them all before i took a deep breath and cracked open the last one – their wedding album. it's very bittersweet. although, more sweet than bitter. one thing i noticed for the first time (i haven't looked at that album in probably 15 years) was a clipping from a newspaper in the UK. when i see stuff like that i can't help but wonder what the hell happened. even though i was there, and i already know. regardless, it's beautiful. it's my prologue, and for that i'm very happy.

my mom's maid of honour married my dad's best man. they're divorced too.

sometimes i long for the small world of childhood, when i wasn't aware there was a whole other world out there (many actually) and all i could imagine was within the confines of my reality.

i've found the velvet sun that shines on me and you.

yup

sometimes i wonder why.

all the miles that we have put between us
have been filled with loving blisters since our truce.

************************************
full-length entry included ramblings about
guilt, design, detox, hair, the state of things,
lunch, and paul newman.

crepuscular

i had a really great weekend on the girls camping trip. one for the books (or the blogs as the case may be). i enjoyed relaxing and spending time in the company of such wonderful individuals. it was nice to be able to connect in new ways and with people i didn't know very well. i swear there's nothing like bonding in nature. however, any kind of bonding is pretty incredible. it's something i haven't been able to figure out or put my finger on what it is exactly, but it can't be forced and it can't be contrived. i'm looking forward to seeing everyone again.

one of my favourite parts about camping is being dirty. well, not exactly. it's more that fact that it doesn't matter if you're dirty, smelly or messy, because you're CAMPING! plus, everyone else is in the same state. it's lovely and kind of freeing.

i got a crazy burn on my back from being in my bikini, and for the first time i have a slight tan on my stomach! i'm no longer sheet-white on my torso. very lightly toasted is nice. this burn on my back is killing me though. that was very foolish of me.

some trip highlights were:
• swapping stories in the rain
• trips to the beach
• potluck dinner
• beaver presentation
• banana boats around the campfire

my eyes leaked tears of happiness as she told me her surprising news. the term "unknown pleasure" has taken on a completely new meaning for me. i have a renewed faith in miracles.

i'm covered in bugs.

vitamins

i realize i'm only going camping for the weekend, and yet it seems to be taking me the entire evening to get ready. what's the deal with that!?!?

i began attending my church youth group the september i entered grade 7. every year my youth group went camping labour day long-weekend. 7 consecutive years we went camping, it was a stomping ground where friendships were formed, along with countless crushes. our favourite site was always murphy's point provincial park. every other year we'd try a new place, but we always ended up going back to murphy's point. it's been 10 years since my last camping trip with them, and i haven't been since. until now. it's going to be different: the dynamics, the circumstances, the people. but the heart is the same, and i'm really looking forward to it. i always loved those camping trips. now that i realize it's been a decade, i'm kind of disappointed. it wasn't because of lack of desire.

i only had two teacups (so the equivalent of one mug) of tea today, and it didn't even bother me. i concluded that although my body is addicted to caffeine, psychologically i'm not. i drank water instead, and didn't even care! it's just kind of annoying because i'm having to deprive myself from a beverage i enjoy because of a substance in it i could care less about. it's not like quiting smoking or eliminating salt, i wasn't intentionally consuming caffeine. oh well, all the rationalization or justification in the world won't curb my withdrawl.

GET OFF THE INTERNET!

marmite

my doctor had to retire suddenly due to illness several months ago. i was a little worried because it's hard to get a doctor in this city, and also i felt badly for my doctor being sick. anyways, i managed to find a female doctor who's office is about a 10 minute walk from my place. i went today for a meet and greet appointment. it felt kind of pointless, but i thought i should have this preliminary appointment in case i need to have an actual appointment later. anyways, it was kind of weird because my medical history is very lite and then she asked me a series of questions, to which my answer to all of them was "no". i think she was rather shocked by my clean slate because she then said "you're 28?". i told her that i was probably going to be a very low maintenance patient, she strongly agreed and suggested checking my blood-pressure so that she'd done SOMETHING. she said it was perfect, 80 over 120. low maintenance.

thankfully i WAS able to tell her about my extra heart-beat. and as we discussed my heart palpitations she told me the solution was to cut out all caffeine. i didn't particularly like that idea at first, because i like the taste of orange pekoe tea, and i find it quite comforting. PLUS it's free at the coffee station. if i switch to decaf or herbal tea then i'll have to pay for it out of my own pocket. however, when i considered the caffeine headache i had the other night, i decided it was probably worth a shot. i think i'll try to wean myself slowly, having one cup a day, then go caffeine free as of august first. no, let's make it august second, since that's a saturday. it'll be a moratorium on caffeine.

if you always get up late you'll never be on time.

potty

if you saw a funky woman getting her groove on while delivering newspapers on ordinance street this evening – that was me. i hadn't delivered papers since 1993, but the feel of the newspapers lifting the mailbox lid was so familiar it was as though i did it every day. isaac's in newfoundland so i did his route for him. a man at the very first house i delivered to yelled at me, but other than that it was smooth sailing. i found it rather ironic seeing as i'm a big advocate against getting crappy free newspapers, but i suppose we all have our price-tags. or friends in need of a favour.

i'm getting super psyched about the girls camping trip this weekend. every things coming together nicely.

i identified today that i often feel a form of energy coursing thru my body. that energy is panic or urgency, like there's something else i need to/should be doing. i hate it. i'm going to try to learn to expel it from my being. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm on vacation. it's the only time that i don't feel pressure like that i should be calling so-and-so, or doing such-and-such. one year when i was at fair havens with my family, i slept for the first 3 days straight because i was so exhausted. this year i'm not going away, i'm staying home. but i still need time away from people, to have the freedom i need to sleep, vegge, and relax without guilt. so let me warn you now, you will not be able to contact me during my week of holiday. just pretend as though i've left town – i'm away. but that's not until the first week of august, so you have plenty of time before i'm indisposed.

seems like every chance i take
brings me ever closer to being far away.

key

this i know...
this i know.

let me be me,
and i will let you be you.

i like the sound of the wind-chimes
outside my bedroom window.
and the way my hair falls
loosely over my shoulder.

we are going our separate ways.
they will bring us closer together.

i am a nun now, i have never been so pure.

radio

time is something i just don't grasp. it's a bizarre concept. the thing that baffles me the most is that everything takes time. no other part of the day am i as keenly aware of this is in the morning when i'm getting ready for work. every second counts. usually because i waste large amounts of time picking at my face or plucking my eyebrows, and the next thing i know 15 minutes have past. sometimes i wish time would just sit still as i lie collapsed on my futon love seat – face plowed into the cushion with my bum in the air. but the seconds keep passing.

today i witnessed a domestic dispute on the sidewalk across from my house. i tried to pretend that i was still reading, but i was really smirking and eavesdropping. as he yelled at her that they weren't "dating no more" and she tried to calm him by reaching out to his shirtless body, i wanted to call out to them "you know.... you two are clearly wrong for each other, and it would be best if you just let him go". i believe in the sanctity of marriage. i find it completely devastating when i hear of married couples splitting up. i wonder if in this day and age people don't respect marriage, or perhaps don't fully grasp it's entirety. or maybe they put MARRIAGE itself up on a pedestal so highly that they like the idea of being married more than the person they're marrying. i wonder if people are just blind to the reality of they're relationship and think things will get better after they're married. maybe they're like the couple on york street today, and don't realize that fighting is not healthy, everyone has disagreements, but full-on fights on a regular basis is bad. i wish this culture didn't glorify the tradition of marriage so much, but instead respected the union. and that more people would use a stricter screening method. i'm pretty sure the divorce rate would drastically diminish if there wasn't so much social pressure, it feels as though it's more acceptable to be divorce than it is to be "single – never married". i wish sometimes people would throw yay!-you-DIDN'T-marry-the-wrong-man showers, because that's a pretty awesome and worthy of celebration.

i'm happy to say i've almost recovered from my buyers guilt.

that's alright, i just watch i don't go inside.

sporran

i've been inhaling books lately. i'm not a fast reader, so i'm always surprised when i finish a book in a matter of days. i've just been absorbing everything i get my hands on for the last few months. it's good, i'm enjoying it.

i have a crazy caffeine headache right now. it's annoying because it's self-inflicted. i only had one cup of tea today and that was at noon. now it's after midnight and i don't want to drink tea because it'll keep me awake. so it seems i'll have to just suffer.

i'm pretty sure i'm always different than what people expect when they first meet me. not everyone, just some people. it feels like i fall short of their expectations, but then they get to know me better and i'm much more complex and interesting then they assumed. i dunno if that's good or bad. it feels annoying.

every time they look at us, we'll blow their mind.

jump

sometimes i just need a reality check to bring myself back down to earth. to make contact with the known world, and be reminded that i'm on the right track.

i'm so relieved. i feel like everything has become clear in my mind in a way i've never felt before. i honestly think feeling good about something is a good sign. and having a bad feeling about something is a clear indication. peace of mind is a powerful thing. i will heed those warnings, i will sit up and take notice.

i'm becoming a tiny bit obsessed with painting my nails. which is bizarre, because before baffin i hadn't painted my fingernails in about 10 years! the weird thing is that i also kind of hate it. i see my fingers and find them creepy. and yet i'm compelled. i'm gonna need more colours.

i provide too much damage control. i'm so overly careful that i try putting out the fire before it gets started. that's illogical.

some day. this day.

i used a nail file on my tooth today, to help smooth out my filling. it KIND OF worked.

down beneath the impossible pain of our history.

nocturnal

have you ever felt burdened about something where your heart needs to talk to one specific person, then you remember that person is gone or no longer exists? it sucks. i got lambasted by something today, and my heart feels homesick for someone i can't remember and i'm not even sure if they even exist. it's like i have amnesia.

i don't need someone telling me how crappy i am all the time. i already know. take my advise people: don't try to be friends with your ex-boyfriends.

i concluded today i have a very low pain threshold for difficult things. i think that's normal. what bothers me about it is that we sometimes HAVE to endure difficult things, but as a whole, i can usually weasel my way out of them. i'm an independent adult with no strings attached. if i don't like something, i can just walk away. i don't have to stay or work thru tough spots. when i had housemates we'd have our regular tiffs, then had to learn to compromise or whatever. i don't have to compromise anymore. i can get my own way most of the time because it's just me. so difficult things are made that much more difficult because i'm not accustomed to having to endure them. work is the only place i have to do stuff i don't like. sometimes i'm faced with a challenge and inwardly i cringe because i don't know how to do such-and-such. BUT i figure it out and when i'm done i'm relieved and more confident. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do most of the time it seems. but i mustn't fret, that i know for sure.

i went down to the buskers this evening and met up with shannon and her parents. there was some neat acts. the first couple were pretty impressive, they did these awesome acrobatics, and finished with her standing on top of his head (first she was on his shoulders, then she moved both her feet to his head. it was crazy!).

i've decided to be more apathetic. i know that's totally weird, but there's actually some good logic behind it. ask me more about it next time i see you :)

is there anything i can do
about anything at all?