belize

recently, rachel had the privilege of shadowing mianh for a week in the life of a midwife. shanno and i were excited to hear about her experience so we planned to get together the three of us last night. shanno invited us over to her place. i'd planned to take éamon along with me, but it dawned on me that he'd just end up sitting in his chair upstairs and he could just as easily sit in his chair downstairs with b. i decided to just leave him at home, because b could call me if éam got hungry. i really enjoyed my time with the girls with undivided attention, and when i got home (back downstairs), he was as good as could be. b said he was fine all evening and was all swaddled tight, in a deep sleep ready for bed. i was really proud of him, and i'm looking forward to more evenings out on main street and beyond.

i've been reflecting on how it feels to discuss birth now that i've had a baby – especially since his birth didn't go the way i'd pictured. i'm still very excited about birth. it's a beautiful, amazing and mind-blowing event. the one thing that's changed is i feel more open-minded that i used to be. i think my beliefs about birth were much more narrow before. i knew that birth was unpredictable and couldn't be planned, but i had a subconscious belief that i was insusceptible to complications. so i feel humbled. to be fair, i had no reason to believe i would be high risk, but i was probably naive too.

i've also been thinking about the phrases "hospitable birth" and "home birth", and i want to re-frame them as "birth in a hospital" and "birth at home". if i'm honest with myself, i know that before my birth the term "hospital birth" was always a dirty word. for home birth advocates (i include myself in this), a "hospital birth" is the worse case scenario. since i've given birth in a hospital, i know it's not nearly as bad as i imaged, and the hospital staff were not my enemies. birth is birth wherever it takes place. it can be good or bad wherever it takes place. and i'm going to be intentional to not use labels, especially labels that can diminish or undermine. i would challenge anyone who might trivialize my experience or imply that it was sub-par because it took place in a hospital. not that anyone has, but i believe that pre-baby lesley probably would have without meaning to. so out of courtesy and out of respect for birth, i want to take this new, more inclusive approach.

moss grows fat on a rollin' stone,
but that's not how it used to be.

up/out

yesterday i was creeping a facebook friend's profile. he's a guy i grew up with, the younger brother if a elementary school friend – we used to play together the three of us. i was telling brendan about him, that he's funny and an opera singer and gay. i called b over to look at this funny cover photo he had of him sitting with an old lady on a couch as he helped her with her computer (it was funnier than it sounds). and b said "aw, look at you, all smitten over a gay guy. who would've thunk? you think you know someone..." :p i really do have a weakness for gay men.

helter skelter in a summer swelter.

snore

today is my niece's second birthday. i spent the day crocheting a blanket for her new doll, wilhelm. it turned out pretty good. i liked that as soon as she opened the present she wrapped him in it :)

one thing i was unsure about, since i've never been in this position before is whether or not to include éamon's name on the card. because it wasn't from him, he's not big enough to understand gifts or cards or signatures or birthdays or even who audrey is yet. so it feels weird. the gift was from me and b. we spent time brainstorming and gifts shopping and crocheting. in my family, my nieces and nephews buy us christmas gifts that they pick out – those gifts really are from THEM. i think i'll wait until éamon is bigger and actually knows people before gift-giving with him. i'm too practical for cute things like that.

yesterday we had our prenatal class reunion. it was fun. i was kind of dreading it because these aren't people we really got to know in a personal way, but it turned out to be a fun time and we did end up chatting outside the baby circle into people's jobs and where they're from originally. surprisingly, at least half the women's births began with their water breaking, and all of them eventually had to be induced. one girl dilated to 9 cm on her own, then digressed to 6 cm, at which time they chose to induce her. i've never heard of that before! anyways, it sounds like the group wants to keep in touch and we're talking about having another reunion in october.

earlier this week i was thinking about chopping my hair to my shoulders, BUT i think i've come up with an alternative solution. i'm just going to put my hair in two braids each day instead. it keeps it back out of my face, it doesn't get in the way when bending over, the baby doesn't grab at it, and if he does, it doesn't hurt. awesome! b said an added bonus is that i look more like the girl from little house on the prairie :S

did you write the book of love?

percolating

when looking ahead to this summer, knowing i wouldn't have to go to work or wear work clothes, i planned to go the whole summer barefoot. it's now almost labour day and i can't remember when i wore socks last, and almost exclusively wear flip-flops.

as a result, my feet have gotten very rough. i like this, it feels like a great accomplishment and will only serve to aid me in my attempt to be barefoot.

i remember being a kid and seeing my mom's rough feet. my were still all soft and pink, and i decided at the time that i never wanted my feet to be rough like that. i'm usually someone who likes to indulge my childhood desires because i want my younger self to be proud of my current self. but in this case, i think i under-estimated the benefits. a number of years ago i got a pedicure before going to mexico, and i couldn't walk anywhere barefoot because even the slightest uneven surfaces hurt my feet. i decided i'd never get a pedicure ever again.

all this to say, i consider my summer a success.

one more moondance with you in the moonlight.

spurt

today i did something i never thought i'd do.
well, to be honest, it didn't occur to me that this kind of action becomes necessary.

while walking home from an outing to downtown, i had to stop on a grassy spot just off the sidewalk on a busy kingston street to breastfeed my baby. i found it both funny and awkward. i'm sure i'll never look at that spot beside the laundromat the same ever again.

looking to the fall i'm starting to wonder if i'm going to end up being over-scheduled – which is my least favourite thing. since i have a lot of spare time, when activities come up i think "oh, i can do that" (swimming lessons, roots of empathy, volunteering at the food bank, weekly visits, etc, etc). so far i'm loving having the freedom to walk down to tara foods on a week day. i hope i preserve enough time in my week for spontaneity that when my year is over that i can look back and really feel like it was a year of freedom.

today i had lunch at the golden rooster. i just sat eating my sandwich with éamon strapped on my front surrounded by old folks. who knew so many seniors had late lunches!

someone's gonna paint you another sky.

knee-jerk

it probably goes without saying that i'm not a fan of unsolicited advise, because who really is? i like to tread carefully to not be pushy with others in general. but every once and a while, i discover something that is so great that i want for everyone to know about it, so they have the opportunity to consider/try it themselves – like diva cups and other things (that have currently slipped my mind).

my latest awesome discovery is placenta encapsulation.

what? you ask?

placenta encapsulation.

i suppose this only really relates to pregnant women, but i want to make sure i spread the word as much as possible. so by telling you folks about it, you might pass this message on to someone else to consider.

if this is the first time you've heard about it, you're probably a little grossed out. "WHAT!?!?!?" you're thinking "eat your PLACENTA??" not quite. encapsulate it, like a vitamin.

i've heard about people eating their placentas for years; provocative people bbq-ing it and enjoying the reaction it gets from others. the reality is, that placentas really do provide custom nutrients and benefits, but not all of us like to be shocking and outrageous. i consider myself the latter, so didn't think a lot about it. but while i was pregnant i started hearing more about placenta encapsulation, especially from people i consider "normal" (not "hippies", not extremists – just regular, ordinary citizens). and i started to think "if that person did it, maybe it's more legitimate than i thought" and started looking into it. this is what i discovered:

it is believed that consuming the placenta can:
• help to balance your hormones / reduces postpartum depression
• replenish depleted iron levels
• assist the uterus to return to its pre-pregnancy state
• reduce post-natal bleeding
• increase milk production
• make for a happier, more enjoyable post-natal period
• increase your energy levels

• reduces post-natal hair loss

being a person who has struggled with very difficult bouts of PMS, i've always considered myself someone at risk of major postpartum depression. brendan, being the partner of someone who has episodes of extreme PMS, was also keenly aware of how bad things could get. so when we learned that this was an option that could reduce postpartum depression, we quickly decided it was worth a shot. we had nothing to lose and a lot to gain. transitioning into parenting can be difficult enough without throwing in a hormonal hurricane into the mix.

so i started looking for someone local who provides the service and contacted someone in belleville. oddly enough between the time i first contacted her and the time i followed up with my due date and other info, the woman had had a major change in circumstances (moving) and was no longer able to provide the service. this was disappointing since i was pretty confident that we wanted to exercise this option. she offered to teach me, but i knew that i would not have the time or ability to encapsulate my own placenta after giving birth. after watching a few videos online, i asked shannon as one of my two doulas if she'd be willing to give it a try. b and i weren't sure if she'd want to do it since she's a vegetarian and doesn't like touching meat, but we rationalized that nothing died to produce this bit of flesh, so perhaps she might be willing. she took some time to consider it and do some research of her own, chatted with rach, then announced that she'd do it! in fact, they'd team up.

on the first day of my labour, shannon arrived at the hospital with cooler in hand to take home the precious specimen. she asked my nurse if there was any kind of protocol for taking it, and was told that we'd have to sign something (but in the end we didn't, they just gave it to her).

while i was recovering at KGH, shanno and rach were at work lovingly cleaning, cooking, dehydrating, grinding and encapsulating my placenta, and arrived back at the hospital with over 150 little vitamins made specially for me. the process involved boiling it with lemon and ginger, and as a result the little pills smelled amazing!

for the first two weeks i had two 3 times a day, and since then i've been taking two once a day. my first five weeks of being a parent has been amazing and positive. i avoided ANY emotional or hormonal crying fits (or any fits at all). i've had energy. my body has healed fast. my baby has been breast-feeding like a champ. i've been very happy, fully enjoying this new chapter of my life. and while i'm sure prayer has been a big factor in this, i also believe my placenta pills have been a major answer to prayer. the day i switched from six a day to two a day, i noticed a significant difference and it was definitely my most challenging day as a mother – more taxing.

and so... if you are a woman who may have a baby in the future...
or you know someone who may have a baby...

please tell them "i know this girl who encapsulated her placenta and just swears by it".

it's really not gross. it's from my own body. just like my baby is. sure, i'm not eating him, but i kiss him and think he's great. my placenta is great too, in a different way. the fact that we find it gross at first is just cultural. we're not used to it. it's no more weird than eating beef or pork.

i really could not speak more highly of this option. and while i think it's legitimate for people to opt out, i really think it's important for everyone to know about it so they don't miss out if they would've benefited from it. so please help me spread the word! :D

give thanks and praise to the lord and i will feel all right.

mosquito bites

you know what's weird?

breast pads.

not that they exist, but that i had no idea that they existed. i'd heard of them, but now that i use them, i'm shocked to discover that there's a whole industry of breast pads out there with different brands and styles. they're similar to menstrual pads in variety and target audience. i'm just amused and surprised that something of this sort existed and i was oblivious.

i'm not a very skilled out-loud reader. it makes me uncomfortable and i tend to throw in extra words because it seems i find it easier just guessing at what i'm reading rather than simply reading it. a few days ago, a lady at the health unit was encouraging us to read to éamon. she gave us a book or two. they're very short and i find them a little pointless. so i've started just reading my own book to him out-loud. the added bonus to this is that i pay attention better to the plot and it takes my mind off other things. i'm hoping that with practice, i'll improve. i find it quite poor that i've reached adulthood without mastering this skill. but i suppose people avoid the things they're not good at.

this afternoon i was quite upset with brendan's employees. he keeps having to cover their shifts at work because for one reason or another they don't show up. i spent a portion of the afternoon crafting a speech to them – imagining what i'd say if they were my employees. i was especially mad because there were things i needed to do around the house and needed b's help with because i'm not able to tend to a baby at the same time. eventually i started reading my book instead, it helped pre-occupy me. sometimes i think people don't know the difference between "can't" and "choosing not to".

just like children sleepin'
we could dream this night away.

midsummer

there was a security breech on my debit card and i had to change my pin number. i've had the same pin since i was 11 or 12 years old. i get attached to things like that. or maybe it's just hard for me to break a habit, worrying that i'll revert back to my old number.

things around the exile are good. while we don't have a routine, we have a pretty consistent rhythm. the days come and go within that natural rhythm, and i find that this new pace of life suits me just fine. the only challenge i have right now is switching the clothes in my drawers and closet back to my regular clothes. i just don't seem to have time for that, and so the boxes of clothes keep piling up.

since everything else is going so well, i feel oddly scrutinized. occasionally i'll come across someone who asks probing questions as though trying to find our achilles heel. everything is going well, we have our rough spots, but they are few and far between. even so, i kind of feel that i have to hide our rough spots so that inquiring people won't grab on to them like a dog with a bone and make a much bigger deal about them. it makes me feel defensive or protective. maybe it's because its all about perspective, and i don't want someone else getting in my head and messing with my perspective.

i'm ridding all your stories.

come by

the last few days have been filled with two main special activities.

1) the sheep dog trials

i don't know much about sheep dogging, and what i know is from the movie babe. but whenever i hear of the sheep dog trials in kingston, i always want to go, but unfortunately it always falls on the same day as the wolfe island music festival. but this year i discovered that they have events on the friday as well, so i wanted to take advantage of my unemployed state and go! i wasn't sure how éam and i was going to get there since i still can't drive and he needs to go in his carseat (with is firmly fixed in our car), but thankfully brendan got the afternoon off from work so we were all free to go. it was really fun. i would have to say that sheep dog trials are a new favourite sport of mine – partly because it seems more like an art form than a sport.

2) wolfe island music festival

even though three of the performers we were most keen to see were scheduled to play on the friday night (simultaneously at different venues), we still wanted to go. we wanted to take our tiny sidekick to the festival this year. i'd seen it done before and knew we could do it. the weather was perfect and we had a nice time with beckie, matt and ben (who was the MC). éamon did remarkably well, we were really proud of him. he was the youngest person there, but was in good company with lots of babies, toddlers and kids. in fact, this year seemed to have the greatest mix of diversity with lots of older people and not just students. while the music was alright, there was no clear stand-out that blew us away.

i'm pretty sure my family is using the word 'epic' out of context.

singing ha, ah la la la de day.

reunion

it's become apparent that i need to learn some assertiveness fast. it's not that i'm not assertive at all, but i'm really mostly just assertive with strangers. with friends, family and acquaintances, it's hard for me to express my desires and preferences because i want to be considerate of their preferences too. the problem is, that when it comes to my éamon, i can't let myself cave so easily. i find it pretty stressful when he starts crying while someone else is holding him. i don't mind if it lasts for a couple minutes, but when it last longer than five minutes and he's clearly not settling, it's hard for me to sit there watching and not step in. i find with other mothers especially, they're not alarmed by him fussing and enjoy him anyways. but i'd rather they just pass him back to me or brendan to soothe. basically, i need to find a polite way of asking for my baby back. when i let other people make decisions for him, i feel overlooked as his mom and then i get upset and start to shut down socially. what it comes down to is whether or not i feel empowered in my role as mama bear. i can't let other people make me feel insignificant because this is a special time in my life as i establish myself in this new identity.

life is full of unexpected learning curves.

to lead a better life I need my love to be here.

somersault

we drove past our old house on york street yesterday. our old landlord sold it within the last year, and my dad told me that the new owners had started major work on it. i told him "good, it needed serious work". our neighbours were interested in buying it, but i'd advised her against it since it was in need of serious repairs. that said, we were still surprised when we drove past it yesterday to see that it had been completely gutted and all that remained was the wood frame. it was kind of bittersweet. sweet because i feel that house deserves some TLC, but bitter that the home we knew and loved is gone, we can never return there again to see the secret spot in the closest where i'd written our names and the date. my maxi pad is no more.

shine until tomorrow,
let it be.

barber

spending my days with a newborn baby is both predictable and unpredictable. while each day is similar to the last, éamon mixes things up from time to time. he's a really pleasant baby, so when on the odd occasion he's having a rough day, i'm a little thrown off. yesterday afternoon he wouldn't sleep, and instead just cried and cried. he did eventually settle, but it was early evening by then, and long past the window of opportunity for me to have a short nap. when these hard moments come up, i really try to focus on the fact that i love him. when i tell him "i love you" i find that it makes me feel more loving and reduces any frustration i'm feeling. words really inform my feelings and attitudes, and it's within my ability to control my response to him. he's just a little baby, and we're both still figuring things out. this afternoon, we were jammin' with bob marley. éam really seemed to like my singing :) i should've tried that yesterday.

brendan is a real wiz at settling him and rocking him to sleep. i'm really proud of him for mastering that. i'm also very thankful that one of us has that skill. sometimes it feels like breastfeeding is my solution for everything. b's a good dad.

i think i'll head to bed now. as much as i'd like to do other things around the house while i have some free time, i know that sleeping is good use of my time as well.

true love that now exist is the love i can't resist.

leak

éamon and i went for a walk to wallack's today. i wanted to see if they had any of those hand print moulds. they do, but i think i'll take a look at a few other stores, i wasn't 100% on the kind they had. anyways, after that errand, i wasn't quite ready to come home again, so i walked further down princess, and on the way back stopped in skeleton park. i sat on a bench while éamon slept peacefully. i just sat. after a while, i was struck by the realization that for perhaps the first time in my life (or at least the first time in my adult-life) i felt fully present. my mind seemed almost empty compared to normal. i just sat there peacefully without feeling rushed or being pre-occupied with plans, places or people. it was nice. i kind of hope this will become normal for me.

this afternoon i rearranged the couch in the den. i don't think brendan will like it, i'm not sure if i like it myself. it's got me thinking though about REALLY changing things up in here. not just moving the couch. it's an exciting thought, i find it very satisfying to improve the use of space in a room, and the den is probably the only room i didn't modify in preparation for having a baby.

i've read before that you can use a walnut to repair scratches in wood (floors or furniture). i just gave it a try and it worked perfectly! i bet b won't even notice the scratch, which is good because he's a bit anal about scratches on the floor. is there a nicer word for that than "anal"? i just mean that he's a little obsessed :p

we live our life for the ride.

ducks

éamon is two weeks old today and weighing in at 8lbs 7 oz. he's gaining fast and getting pretty chubby. he's one content little guy.

one of the things that i've been noticing about other parents, now that i'm a parent myself, is that many folks (not all) seem to be under the impression that everyone else's parenting experience is or will be the same as theirs – for example, if their baby is a light sleeper, they assume my baby is a light sleeper. as a result, i'm hearing about all sorts of different stories that contradict each other. and more specifically, i'm hearing all sorts of advise/sympathy for scenarios that i don't find myself in. it makes sense really, because every baby is different (even from siblings) and every parent is different (even from baby to baby). i guess i'm just surprised that some folks are under the impression that what worked or didn't work for them would automatically be the case for us as well. thankfully, parenting (just like life in general) is full of different possibilities, which i like.

yesterday b, éamon and i took a road trip to westport for the afternoon. we walked around, got ice cream, sat in the park, window shopped, bought some fudge, then headed home. it was a really nice day for a drive, and éamon did so well in the car.

so far our transition from being a childless couple into being a trio has gone really smoothly. we feel like éamon has fit into our life together perfectly. someone commented to us the other day "life around your house must have really changed", and we were surprised to realize that we can't think of one single thing that is different than before. it's nice! we do have a really easy going baby, so i'm sure that's really helped.

and it calms me down.

éamon's birth – part four (after thoughts)

it's been eleven days since éamon was born and i've had a lot of time to reflect on the experience. that said, i don't think i needed a lot of time to reach the point i'm at now. almost right away, i felt i'd come to terms with his caesarean birth. perhaps it's because i'd shed some tears beforehand, or maybe it's because after we had our boy, or maybe it's just that being upset about it afterwards wouldn't change anything. but i'm really ok with how things unfolded. sure, it wasn't how i'd envisioned it, and it wasn't my choice, but it is what it is. i'm not going to feel sorry for myself, or alienate myself from other women who had a different experience than me. i feel that my birthing experience is just as legitimate.

the truth of the matter is that i've always felt that birth is an experience and i didn't want to miss out on that, and i REALLY didn't. if anything, i experienced MORE than i'd bargained for. it's not like i arrived at the hospital and asked to be cut open. i went through the WHOLE process, minus the very last stretch. considering the circumstances, i wouldn't change anything i did or any of my choices. i'm happy with how things went.

i also really feel that birthing is an important part of preparing a woman to be a mother. i wanted my birth experience to be empowering and strengthening so that i could confidently rise to the chance of parenting. again, i feel that my experience did that, and adequately prepared me (or prepared me as much as i expected it to).

the funny thing about a c-section is that people are under the impression that it's easier than a vaginal birth. and while i suppose the process is, the healing afterwards is not. i'm on several different pain-killers, can't drive my car for six weeks, and can only take short walks. it's a slow process and not ideal. on friday, i went to shoppers to do some errands and people were cooing over éamon. they asked how old he was, and i proudly said 8 days! they were surprised that i was out and about, so i told them "and i had a c-section", and the one lady said "oh, well i suppose that's easier", clearly not understanding that it was rather remarkable that i was on the mend so soon (for which i'm very thankful for by the way). but whatever :S

after the surgery, i didn't want to look at my incision. i think mico and alyssa were a little concerned that i was avoiding it, but i just didn't want to see it when i still had staples in. in talking with nancy, she commented that it will only look better with time, so it made sense to me to wait and not look at it while it was still unsightly. now that the staples are out (there were 12 in total), my 6" incision doesn't look so bad. at first i was sad about the idea of this scar on my body as a reminder of how things didn't go as planned, but i've since changed my mind. instead of seeing it as a scar, i think of it as a souvenir from éamon's birth. i'm physically marked by that experience just as it marks my spirit.

i have this theory. i've read and heard a lot about oxytocin being a bonding agent. it's my understanding that it's not released with a c-section or when an epidural is used. and yet i feel very bonded to my éamon. all i can think is that because i was pumped full of oxytocin when i was induced that bonding with him has been an unexpected perk.

the doctors were never able to determine why i wasn't able to push him out. i pushed for a long time, and my pushes were strong. he was a regular sized baby and he was facing the right position. they've told me that my pelvis is too small, but it seems that's the excuse they give when they don't have a concrete answer. but mico said that usually when a pelvis is too small, the baby's head is all warped and moulded from trying to fit through. éamon's head was perfectly round. for some reason his head just didn't mould to fit. they've given me a 50% chance of having a vaginal birth next time, but i'm optimistic. i'm pretty sure that on another day, under different circumstances i could've pushed him out. besides, annette told me that he's paved the way for his future sibling, even though he didn't make it all the way out.

brendan was reading an article in the new yorker last week about the history of medicine – specifically surgery. while overhearing him discuss it with nancy, it dawned on me that in a different place and time, had i not been able to push out my baby, he would've died, and i could've died too. today, with the very high caesarean birth rates, i'd taken for granted what a valuable procedure it is when truly necessary. so i really see no reason to be anything other than grateful.

éamon's birth – part three

immediately after the last attempt with the forceps, i was being wheeled off to the OR. things were happening fast. there were a LOT of people in the room (i'd guess about 15, but i don't know for sure). i was quickly given a small plastic jar of sour liquid and told to drink it. i'm not exactly sure what it was, i think it was supposed to kill any bacteria in my body, but whatever it was, i was asked about 3 times afterwards if i'd been given the sour drink, so it must have been important.

brendan was brought along behind me to get changed into some scrubs and as my hopes faded of pushing out my baby i became quite emotional. i tried my best to keep it together, i didn't want the hospital staff to see my cry, but i was overcome. at the time i just thought i was overwhelmed by what was happening, but in hindsight, i was feeling "it wasn't supposed to happen this way!". i was sad, i was kind of horrified, i was frustrated, i was tired, i was scared. i'd heard from a few people that during a c-section it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest, and i was dreading the feeling of suffocation.

i kept asking for brendan. "where's brendan, where's brendan?" i wanted him with me. i needed to see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his reassuring touch. but each time i asked they'd tell me "he's just outside getting his scrubs on. he'll join you when we're ready".

mico and alyssa were allowed to come in with me. and they brought a calming and familiar presence. mico sat near my head and told me "you can know that you tried everything. you can look back on this and not wonder 'what if i'd tried the foreceps?' you did everything you could". it was nice having that reassurance. especially since she's a midwife and clearly believed we were all out of options.

the hospital staff were trying to up my epidural, which at that point had been starting to wear off. they had this ice pack and would touch it against my skin to gauge my sense of feeling. "is it cold here? is it still cold? how about here?" and everywhere they placed it, i could still feel the cold. now, it's worth mentioning that they'd already upped my epidural before the forceps. at this point, it was at it's max. the doctors then tried pricking me to see if i could feel it.

"can you feel this? you should still feel pressure, but you shouldn't feel any pain".

"yes" i said "i can feel that". 

"you can feel that, or does it hurt?"

"i can feel it, it hurts. it's a pin prick and it hurts".

at this point i was having horrible thoughts of them cutting in to me and me being able to feel the entire thing. they tried adjusting the epidural, then tried the ice and pin prick again, but there was no difference.

with that, they decided that they'd have to put me under. i started crying again. i laid there with my arms stretched out like i was being crucified.

things just kept going from bad to worse. because they were having to use a general anesthetic, brendan wouldn't be permitted in the room. mico joined me again and encouraged me to stop crying. she asked me "do you want me to take pictures?" my first thought was "no, i don't want to remember THIS", but she very firmly stated "brendan won't be able to be here, and you're going to be out. this will be your only chance. i can take pictures and you can delete them if you want." so i gave her my permission.

for some reason, they decided to give me some pure oxygen, holding a mask over my face. i remember quite distinctly that there was a student/resident anesthesiologist holding the oxygen mask, and the weight of his hand was blocking off the air and i couldn't breathe. i tried telling him that he needed to move his hand, but he didn't understand what i was saying.

before getting started, the 15 odd people in the room all went around the circle and introduced themselves to me by their first name and what their role was. i felt that was a really classy move. it made the room full of strangers feel more like a friendly team who were on my side.

soon they started administering the gas that would put me under (i don't actually know what that's called). i remember feeling relieved that at least i wouldn't have to endure the panicky feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. another upside, was that at least THIS was guaranteed to get my baby out – he would soon be here.

the next thing i knew, i was waking up and brendan was pacing beside me with a bundle in his arms wrapped in a hospital receiving blanket. he was pumped. i remember feeling confused, why was brendan in the operating room? i remember my eyelids were so heavy, and even though i really wanted to see my baby, i was so tired and just wanted to sleep. it turns out i wasn't in the OR, and i was on a gurney rather than the narrow operating table.

i tried looking at him, but the room was so bright and my eyelids were so heavy. someone, probably alyssa, laid him down beside me, and he started breastfeeding. he did very well, he latched on like a pro.

afterwards, someone placed him on my chest and i held him for a long time. i remember finding it strange that i still hadn't had a good look at his face even though we'd been together for at least a half hour. by this time it was around 5ish(?). he was born at 2:36, and my entire family, plus rach and shannon had been waiting in the waiting room. i felt badly for taking so long, so i suggested that brendan got at least the girls so they could see him before going home. they'd been up for so long and were very tired.

slowly i became more awake, and got a close look at his little face. i knew it was him. even though i was asleep when he was born, i could feel that this was my baby.

annette came in and got me cleaned up and dressed me in a gown. i didn't mind the gown at that point, it was easier than trying to put on a shirt. a porter arrived and with éamon in my arms we started heading to our room on connell 3. i was excited for our parents to meet him, i was excited to tell them all about my experience.

éamon's birth – part two

it was around 2:30 that my epidural was fully installed, and the girls were permitted back in the room. now that the pain had dimmed, we all tried to catch some z's. shannon was quite impressive since she was out like a light in what appeared to be an uncomfortable position. rach and b had a harder time sleeping, and i mostly just laid with my eyes closed, but it was still restful. my mind was racing, so i think i did quite well under the circumstances. at 4:30, bridget came in to check my cervix again and found that i was 6 cm. around this time, laurie got even more concerned about the baby's heart-rate, so they decided to do one of those scalp fetal monitors. i have to admit, there was part of me that wished i'd listened better to that part of prenatal class. since i believed i'd be having a homebirth, i didn't really pay attention. as bridget connected the fetal monitor, she found that i'd dilated another centimetre, in only 15 minutes!

by 8:30 i was fully dilated and we were starting to get geared up for pushing. brendan was notifying family and friends via email and telephone. a new day nurse was on duty and i was feeling quite sleepy (not just tired) so i was encouraged to take an hour nap and slept quite well. when 9:30 rolled around we were all in high spirits and annette (our day nurse) said i'd probably have my baby by noon.

there are a few advantages to birthing in a hospital, and the one thing i was most excited about was being able to use the squatting bar. so when things got going, i was all positioned, squatting at the end of the bed. it was tricky at first – pushing. trying to figure out how to push and how to breathe. i was told to take a deep breath and push for ten seconds, then repeat another two times. soon it became brendan's job to count to ten, a task he did very well except once he accidentally sped up (8, 9, 10), and another time he forgot to count completely. it was a good role for him, something he could do with confidence. between pushes everyone was very encouraging, which was very helpful since i didn't feel like i was making any progress. soon the nurse suggested another position using the squatting bar. she said we'd change positions every so often until we found the position that worked best for me. i was pleasantly surprised by this since i didn't think hospitals were open to different positions (i was actually very surprised they had a squatting bar). shannon and rach were on either side of me, holding my legs, or helping position my legs. annette suggested we try a series for 4 six-second pushes, with the last one me holding on for as long as i could. i like this much better than the 3 ten-second breaths/pushes. gradually my lungs got stronger and i could hold+push for much longer periods of time. eventually i was told that his head was starting to appear and he had lots of black hair – just as i'd been expecting! mico brought a mirror so i could see my own progress. i can't tell if it was a help or a hindrance. in some ways it was very motivating, but in other ways it was discouraging because i continued just seeing a small part of his head and the opening wasn't getting any larger.

on at least three different occasions, three different doctors were brought in to consult on what position he was facing. i kept telling them that he was back up and on my right side, but they said he could change position. they even did a quick ultrasound to confirm this. they thought if he was posterior that might explain the slow progress. it turns out i was right, he was in the right position – face down.

as each hour past, i was told "just one more hour" and then another later i'd be told that again. time was going by quickly, and for the most part, my strength remained the same. i remember getting really hot though and sleepy. brendan and shannon would take turns bringing me a cold cloth for my face between contractions. eventually i'd just lie there between contractions with a wet cloth covering my face, except for my nose and mouth. it also became more and more challenging to keep my eyes open.

at some point in the morning, maybe around 11:30, the phone rang and it was my dad. brendan politely told him "we're still in the middle of things, we'll call you later". it turns out that all our parents were thinking "something should've happened by now".

after many hours of pushing, my voice had gone all raspy. i don't know when or why exactly, but i assume it was from the strain of pushing. it was mico who first pointed it out, so i guess that's not a common occurrence. it still hasn't returned to normal.

probably around the third hour, annette started casually mentioning some birthing assistance – forceps and/or the vacuum. she explained to me that with either tool, they simply assist and it would still require me to push the baby out. so to ensure those remained an option, i had to make sure i always kept three more pushes. she didn't want me running out of steam before that intervention. i understood what she was saying, and i felt i had a good sense of where i was at with my energy level, so i assured her that i would save at least three pushes.

i don't know if the hospital staff and midwives suspected something was wrong, if they did, they didn't really let on. thinking back, the tone of room had a hint of mystery in it. no one seemed to know why it was taking so long, or why, in spite of my strong pushes, i was making so little progress. he was stuck. just rocking back and forth on a wave, never making his way to shore. everyone was saying "he's a stubborn little guy" and i'd say "well, i'm stubborn too" and keep pushing.

the doctors were invited in for a consultation, and they confirmed that i had progressed past the invisible line that made forceps or the vacuum an option. i'd say an hour passed before i concluded my energy level was waning and decided that i'd be ok with him being born with forceps. by this time it was around noon and it was becoming clear that i was looking at another two hours of pushing. two hours i didn't have in me. i was surprised that they'd let me go on so long, because i'd heard they didn't like women to push past a certain number of hours. i think it was because they really believed i was making progress (even though it was slow) and was going to eventually push him out. it was really more a question of what i had left in me.

someone went to get the crew of doctors again, and the NIC unit team arrived. the NIC unit had to be there because of the meconium. once he came out, if he didn't cry they would have to suction him to clear his airways of meconium. this is the reason why a homebirth was not possible. i was told by mico that the doctors/residents would access the baby's position, then decide which tool to use – the forceps or the vacuum. they would then have to check to see if what they selected could be fitted onto his head. then we'd get two shots. i'd have to give it all i've got. if it wasn't successful the only other option would be a c-section.

so the doctors picked forceps, which i was glad about. for some reason i felt more comfortable with foreceps. the resident, paul (who seemed like a really down to earth guy, with tattoos and a friendly demeanor. he's someone i could see us having beers with) went over all the risks and procedure stuff. i can't fully remember, but i either had my eyes closed or i had a damp cloth over my face. i'm surprised he didn't make me open my eyes and look at him, but i think he understood i was just too tired. thankfully, they were successful at getting the forceps into position and it was then time to push. i pushed the hardest i could. i really believed i could do it. the next step (c-section) didn't even register as a possibility in my mind. i was simply going to push him out.

but he didn't budge.

éamon's birth – part one

on the morning of joelle's 10th birthday, my water broke. i laid in bed at 7:35 in a half-sleeping, half-waking state and felt it happen. at first i thought it was my mucus plug, because there wasn't a lot initially. i quickly made my way to the toilet and found it just kept coming and coming. i was confused though – what colour was it supposed to be?!?! this fluid was greeny grayish brown. as the endless stream of water kept coming, brendan started making phone calls. first to rach, to ask about the colour (in hindsight, i think we knew what it was, but didn't want it to be so) and she recommended we call our midwives. alyssa, our student midwife, was reluctant to diagnose it as meconium until she saw us, and made arrangements for us to come to the clinic for an appointment at 9:30.

by this time it was 8, which gave brendan time to do some work-related errands, and me the chance to do a few things around the house. so we planned to meet there. i had a shower (which was more difficult than i expected, because when i was done, and tried to step out, i just kept leaking green water), did some laundry, washed the dishes, carried a few items to the basement, hung the laundry to dry, then headed to the clinic.

when we arrived, we learned that mico had been delayed. she was raspberry picking when alyssa called her and said she'd head home before coming into the clinic. but on her way along the 401, her tire exploded – not just flat, but exploded. so instead, jane consulted on our appointment. it didn't take long for them to determine was in fact meconium (baby poop). from the home-birth info session a few months ago, we learned that when meconium appears in the water, it's the community standard to transfer to hospital. since then, i knew that that would be one of my least ideal scenarios, so you can imagine how unhappy i was to find myself in that exact situation. in addition to that, i knew that if labour didn't begin soon that i would end up being induced – another scenario i'd been wanting to avoid because induced labour tends to be more intense and leads to more interventions. so there i was, in pre-labour already facing undesired circumstances. it's odd/surprising to me that my water broke first, because that only happens to 10% of women, so i just assumed that would not happen to me.

alyssa strapped me into the fetal monitor to take a listen to the baby's heart to make sure everything was still safe. heather arrived for a practice meeting and popped in to check on me. she had a nice presence to her and offered me some homeopath to induce labour naturally. in the meantime, mico arrived and we all agreed to meet up at the hospital, after discussing the possibility of me labouring at home. unfortunately, because of the meconium that wasn't an advisable option.

back at the exile, b and i packed hospital bags. i'd had a more basic bag packed in case of short-notice transfer to KGH, but quickly realized i would need many more things (that morning alone, i'd already gone through three pairs of underpants). within about 15 minutes, brendan, rachel and i had piled into our car and were headed to the hospital – shannon was going to meet us there. thinking back, it was really nice heading in in a lucid, prepared and happy state. the sense of excitement helped ease the disappointing change of plans.

thankfully mico and alyssa were there when we arrived because we really didn't know what our next course of action was. we'd been told while at the clinic that connell 5 was super backed up and the nurses wouldn't have time to tend to me for quite a while. we considered this a problem to our advantage because we still were hoping labour would begin or we could induce labour naturally (the homeopath or maybe nipple stimulation). shannon soon arrived and reported to the nursing station that she was one of my doulas and was told that doulas didn't count as people and she could be there even though i already had two people with me. we were super excited to hear this, but were soon disappointed when (presumably) someone else told mico that i had too many people and that one had to go :( i told the girls to decide between the two of them what to do, and they decided to switch out. shannon was super disappointed, but planned to be back around supper time. soon after she left someone suggested that if she sneak back in after the shift change we might be able to get away with having three people.

over the next few hours, the nurses continued to be too busy for us, so in the meantime we borrowed a hospital breast pump and got started on nipple stimulation. before long, i was producing colostrum and having consistent cramping in my back. i couldn't tell if it was a contraction, and the midwives didn't seem to think it was, but back cramping was always what i imagined my contractions to be like since that's where/how i get menstrual cramps. i was reaching the point where they came every 3 minutes and lasted approximately 20 seconds. but when i came off the pump for a 10 minute break they went away. soon after, the nurse became available and wanted to proceed with the oxytocin. that nurse's name was nicole and we liked her very much. she seemed really approachable and friendly. but when 7:00 rolled around and we were introduced to our night nurse laurie (the nurses all do 12 hour shifts – 7 to 7). laurie seemed more distance and kind of cold. she became immediately obsessed with the fetal heart monitor, frowning with displeasure at its output. she was also on the pessimistic side, regularly poo-pooing my thoughts and preferences. i feel it's worth mentioning, that over the next 12 hours, she really grew on each of us and by the time we said goodbye we liked her, and i think i'd gained her respect. shannon did return at around 7:35, and stayed with us til the very end with no questions asked. laurie just advised her and rach to not be seen together.

all the hospital staff were very nice, and we were surprised at how well they and the midwives worked together. they are clearly well acquainted and friendly with each other. all the hospital staff and residents would introduce themselves by their first name – another thing that surprised me. i don't know if this is a new hospital standard or if the system is just modernizing on its own, but it really helped me feel comfortable. bridget, the night resident, came in to see me at one point and asked about my pain-management plan. i told her (kind of awkwardly) that i didn't have one, but wanted to do without an epidural. afterward, i said to rach and shannon "i'm hoping that since i've never been in labour before that i'll just accept the level of pain from induction as normal". laurie overheard that and made a doubtful comment that i can't recall right now (probably for the best).

throughout the day, time passed quickly. the evening progressed with the four of us chatting, moving around and me dancing through contractions. we were in good spirits and didn't let being in the hospital lessen the experience. i tried to continue as normal as possible – brushing my teeth, getting into pajamas, aiming to feel comfortable. active labour began around 11, and i felt a noticeable difference. i slowly turned inward with each contraction. armed with my heating pad and my sound mind, i worked through each wave in silence. eventually, i couldn't move or dance or sit. my frequent trips to the toilet were difficult because i couldn't take my hot pad with me, which made it so much more painful. laurie told me that she'd check on my progress at 1 am, so i waited, watching the clock. when things started to get really hard i asked about laughing gas, but laurie said it was better to wait until much later in labour because the effect will have worn off by the transition phase. 

at some point i started secretly thinking about an epidural. i felt torn because i'd gone into things committed to not using one. i believed i was built to endure labour like a skyscraper build to endure an earthquake. but then there was the other side of things... i was in a lot of pain – more pain than i would've been under normal, natural circumstances. and i'd read an article recently entitled "9 bad reasons to get an epidural, and 1 good one". the one good one was 'not wanting to feel the pain of childbirth'. i was in pain, and i didn't want to feel it. i was tired and couldn't even sit down. i slowly started to articulate this to the girls and b. i would tell them "i don't like this" and "i wish i was just at home getting ready for bed". i sounded very rational, like i was commenting on a unfamiliar food or a bad cocktail party. i told myself that if i'd progressed significantly i could keep plugging on. when laurie checked me at 1 am, she announced that i was 2 cm and would probably reach 7 around 7 am. everyone else seemed quite optimistic about that, but it was not the report i was hoping for. i wanted to wait for laurie to leave the room so i could talk with my birth support, but she continued fiddling with the fetal monitor, so i timidly said "i'd like to talk about an epidural". thinking i was talking to hear, laurie said "what would you like to know?" :S i'm pretty sure i ignored her, and the rest of us just chatted together. i felt disappointed in myself, but really appreciated that no one made me feel badly about it. after it was administered, i felt much better and just kept thinking "i'm happy". i felt really relieved. i like to believe that things would've been different had i not been induced, but i can't know for sure. truthfully, in those circumstances, i'm not sure what purpose going without an epidural would've served. it almost feels like it would've just been me trying to prove something to an audience of judges that don't exist. with it... my spirits were buoyed; i could rest; brendan, shannon and rachel could rest; and i could continue in the morning.

junior mister

sometime very soon I need to find time to write out our birth story before I forget the details. right now my baby eamon is nursing so it's not the best time. even though I'm able to write this short message on my iPod. I think I'll write in chunks here and there whenever I get opportunities.

I will say now that things unfolded the exact opposite as we'd hoped. however that does not lessen the experience or the empowerment in any way. i feel good about the birth and have no doubts about my performance or ability - especially considering the circumstances. for that, and much more, I'm very thankful.

Sent from my iPod

bins

i'm pleased to report that today was a very productive day. i've made significant progress in the bedroom, kitchen and den. tomorrow i'll tackle the living room and bathroom, then sweep all the floors. THEN we'll be ready for baby. at least on the homefront. today's midwife appointment revealed that he still hasn't dropped and i'm not showing any key signs of labour coming on soon. so it'll be later this week at the soonest, but more likely next early next week. i'm actually the next client expected to give birth. the next one's due date isn't until the 22nd.

i have no doubt that my ability to accomplish so much today was greatly connected to the fact that we now have an air conditioner.

recently i got a little worried about the possibility of the cats going in the crib while so-and-so is sleeping – or more specifically, when i'm sleeping. i tried coming up with a few ways of dealing with this, since i have caught honey in there a few times (albeit not recently, she's currently obsessed with sleeping on the change table). in discussion this with bren, she recommended a mosquito net, and as it turns out, brendan had one from his time in dominican. so i got that hung today. he's going to be like a little safari baby. i'm very pleased. it's a simple solution, and will be effective at keeping those kitties out!

we'll be together with a roof right over our heads.

lizards

today's my due date. no surprise, but nothing has happened. there's been no sign of activity. in a way, that's good because the house is still more chaotic than i'd like it to be. we have so much stuff that we've been given that there's no a place for everything. i'll TRY to get that taken care of tomorrow, but i don't have high hopes since i'm not great at follow-through.

rach lent us an air conditioner, which has been really nice already. we put it in the kitchen because that window already didn't have a screen. the climate difference is remarkable as you walk down the hall toward the back of the house.

this evening we went out to celebrate joelle's 10th birthday (july 17). it's crazy when i think about life 10 years ago. and that that little red headed baby is now an intelligent decade old girl. it's funny to think that when my boy is 10, she'll be 20. crazy. i have to admit, when she was born, i totally thought i'd have a baby of my own in the near future. and it's interesting how differently things panned out, but i'm really happy with how things are. someday, joelle will babysit for us, and i get to enjoy her, and the rest of my nieces and nephews at the stages they're in. he will be fortunate to grow up with these older cousins who have, in many ways, paved the way for him.

i danced myself right out the womb.

waterfront

yesterday the midwives confirmed that they baby hasn't dropped yet, which means it will still be a little while before he's born. for some reason, this has had a liberating effect. now that i know his birth is not imminent, i'm pretty content to continue on with my day.

last week b and i were walking downtown and we passed one of his clients. a few days later the fellow said to him "looks like your girlfriend is going to have a baby" and brendan said "you mean my wife? yes, she's due any day now". the guy then mumbled "oh, sorry".

for the last week, brendan and i have been watching star wars. we started at 4 and are now on the last film (3). twice we found ourselves getting tired, so paused it to finish later. out of the three newer films, i like the last one best. it actually has a plot. it answers questions and things happen. even still, b is constantly groaning at the cheesiness of the dialogue.

it took me a while to find oats at metro. i assumed it would be in the flour aisle, but it's with the cereal! my cookies are in the oven. i hope they turn out well!

in this hour of our lives – hour of effortless plenty –
how do we know which parts of our hearts want what?

clip

for the last few mornings, i've been waking up either stressed, impatient, or otherwise out of sorts. today was a bit better because i woke with a "one more day down" like i'm counting down to some unknown date.

while i've tried to keep busy, i'm not very motivated to get things done. i have that homesick feeling when the person you love is far away and you can't muster the energy to do anything, because all you really want to do is be with that person. i'm eager for my so-and-so to be born. i just want to spend time with him. b suggested i start doing some induction techniques, but there's very few i can do on my own. i've been taking evening primrose oil and long walks. i'm not even sure if he's dropped yet. i have a midwife appointment this afternoon, so i'll ask then.

thankfully rach put me onto the BBC1 show "call the midwife". it's based on a book, and has a slow-paced book-like quality to it. it's been a good alternative to reading, since right now my brain can't really concentrate enough to read. plus, it's topical. the one thing that i have to remind myself of is that in the show, the midwives receive the call when the woman is in labour, which is normal for that profession. what i have to remind myself of is that all women have to wait for their baby, it doesn't just happen because of a telephone call.

i think i'd like to bake some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies today. i don't usually have time to bake, and don't usually bake for pleasure. but every once and a while, when i DO have time (like when we had the week off for renos last year), i'll bake something. i don't have any oats, so i'll walk over to metro in a little bit.

we have a handyman here today doing some work in andrew+shannon's apartment. it would probably be weird if i went into labour and gave birth while he's here.

i can feel a difference,
today, a difference.

nail polish

i was struck today by the stories we tell ourselves. realities are shaped by these stories whether they're true or not. if they're relevant or not. i think it's up to us which stories we want to believe about ourselves. that can sometimes be hard to do, especially if someone else's story is intertwined with our own. 

i was raised in a family whose story was of brokenness. that was my identity, how i saw myself, my constant subplot. i'm an adult now, and i've claimed a new story (at least tried to), one of wholeness. my story is much bigger than one single chapter, i don't let brokenness define me anymore.

sometimes we have to make a conscious decision to choose to focus on a different story. the story we tell ourselves informs the stories we tell other people, and the stories they believe about us.  

her name was magil and she called herself lil
but everyone knew her as nancy.

bakery

now that i'm 9 months pregnant, i figured it was time to do a belly cast. so last night my two doulas-extraordinaire came over to cast my belly. they did a super great job, and it turned out really nice!

it's funny because you know you've entered a new phase in your relationship with someone when you stand topless in front of them and rub vaseline all over your chest. hahaha. it was funny, and the girls were super professional :)

it didn't take long to do. i credit this to their mad skills. it also dried fairly fast and started to pull away from my body, which was a strange feeling. so-and-so was very good. he moved a little bit, but it didn't impact the drying process.

now that it's off me, it looks way bigger than i feel. it'll be such a great keepsake. i'm going to ask a friend to paint it for us, then we'll hang it in our bedroom.

brendan was trying to wear it today :p

lately i find it hard thinking about things other than baby and birth. i suppose that's normal as i'm mentally preparing for this experience and life change. plus, it's hard to function normally when i'm physically limited and can't do everything i'd like to do.

everything around you's changing like the weather.

bow tie pasta

this is my 3rd day off work and i'm really enjoying it! yesterday shanno and i sent strawberry and raspberry picking, and today i went for a long walk with sherri. it's really nice doing different things with my time, and i'm excited about getting to spend time with people i don't usually get to connect with. 

after our walk i needed a shower because i was hot and sweaty, and am currently sitting in the living room with a nighty on with my feet up. usually i'd just be wearing a sports bra and underpants, but i can see that my dad's car is parked out front of my house, which means he's downtown doing stuff and will be knocking on my door when he returns. so i'm ready.

i'm feeling pretty good, and will be happy if the baby comes early or late. i'm not uncomfortable and i've been sleeping well. although, last night, i went to bed before b got home from josh and corky's place and i'd been dreaming that we'd been waiting for the baby to arrive (like on a train or something), and i'd asked brendan to let me know when he arrived, but he didn't tell me. so i was mad at him in my dream just as brendan arrived home in real life, so i was mad at him in real life too. oops! :S

well, i have quite a full day ahead of me. housework, knitting, belly casting. but for now i'll just hangout with my feet up. there's no rush - which is probably a first in my life!

i'm walkin' back down this mountain.

carpal tunnel

i can't decide if the fact that i don't have to go to work tomorrow feels funny or normal. although, i'm thankful that i don't have to work because i'm fairly uncomfortable, and i wouldn't want to have to sit in my cube all day.

when i packed up all my stuff (thankfully i just had to store it, rather than bring it home because i had the equivalent of 4 boxes worth of stuff :S ), i wasn't as sad as i expected to be – to see the walls bare. it felt more like when you take all the stuff off your walls because you're about it paint.

6 out of 8 couples from prenatal class have all had their babies. i wouldn't be surprises if the 7th has arrived because i haven't seen the girl on facebook since she said she was about to have some vindaloo. i realize that i have the latest due date out of the 8 of us, but it stinks that everyone has had their babies. apparently one girls is recovering in the ICU after a c-section, which doesn't sound good. i have at the most another 4 weeks :S i'll just try and be patient. the frustrating thing is that even though i have loads of time to get stuff done around the house, i have limited energy and get winded very easily.

the road is wearier.

safari

well... it's official. i'm done work for an entire year.

it's weird. it actually felt much weirder than i expected. yesterday i was SO ready to be done work, that i told b, shannon and scarlete that i hoped the baby would come so i could get out of going to work today. alas, that didn't happen. instead, emma said i could go when i was ready, so i left around 12:30 with little fanfare. everyone was still on lunch and there wasn't really anyone to say goodbye to that i hadn't already talked with. so penny helped me carry my things to the car and that was that.

as i drove away i felt weird. like i was forgetting something, or like part of my identity was being left behind. i tried telling myself that i should focus on the things to be thankful for and not mourn the loss of something familiar, and that worked pretty well. but interestingly enough, upon arriving home i continued to feel a little lost, and i needed to somehow take charge of this transition period. so i went to shoppers and bought myself a note book with blue lines, and a couple of new pens, then came home and turned it into a makeshift day-timer. i wrote all my handy contact numbers in the back just like my timer at work, and wrote out a to-do list in the front. this will be my mat leave organizer that will help me feel grounded or at least somewhat like my usual self. i realize i may not keep it current as time goes by, but for now, it's helping give me some peace of mind as i figure out this new situation. i do actually still have quite a lot to do, but now that it's on paper, it's off of my mind.

tonight b and i are staying at a local hotel in celebration of our anniversary. it really doesn't matter that it's in k-town. it will be relaxing and a little different, which exactly what we were looking for. plus, we don't have to travel or spend money on gas!

you can make it if you try.

excuse me!

you'd think i'd be used to it by now, but i cannot believe how swollen my feet are. it gets worse the later in the evening it is, but still!

i have one more day of work left. part of me wishes i'd go into labour tonight because i really don't want to have to work tomorrow. there's nothing left for me to do at this point and the day feels long. thankfully i had a midwife appointment this afternoon so i was able to leave early.

yesterday was my three year anniversary with b. wedding anniversary that is. we went out to the new seafood restaurant 'dianne's fish bar' to celebrate. it was great, except the fact that the couple beside us got into an argument and it was super awkward. and a piece of my baby tooth broke off (it was part of a re-enforcement that was applied years ago, and i think it had just reached it's end of life – that really had nothing to do with the restaurant). we really liked it, and i can say without a doubt, that the fish and chips i got was the best i've ever had.

afterwards, we came home and installed the carseat and assembled the crib. it's pretty cool having the crib set up. this crib once belonged to joelle, caleb, liam and erin. i like that it comes with that history. i also like that it's slightly retro and as such, it's really good quality. joy and tim got it second-hand from someone joy worked with, and it didn't come with instructions, but joy said to brendan "lesley is a puzzle person, she'll figure it out just fine". and she was right! it was pretty simple and whenever we'd come to a point that seemed unclear, i instinctively figured it out. it takes up all the remaining space in our bedroom, but it's not like we were using that space for anything important. it's just a little communal bedroom now :)

maybe you were the ocean, when i was just a stone.

compress

last night, b and i went on something of a scavenger hunt. we visited the homes of our family and collected various baby things they had set aside from us.

from nancy, we got a car-seat and cloth diapers
from joy, we got a crib and a play-pen
from meg, we got a little tub and baby bullet.

we're super fortunate to have received so many helpful things from family and friends. having a crib feels pretty crazy! it's still disassembled in the back of our car, but simply knowing we have a crib is sobering. it will feel very real when we have that crib in our room! the house is a total mess right now from all the supplies we collected and from the baby shower gifts we got on sunday. i'm hoping to make a solid dent tonight, or at least get organized. i like that the baby is going to share our bedroom, he's just a little baby after all. i can't imagine having him down the hall in the front bedroom. that feels too far away. i'm so looking forward to the weekend. it will be nice to have work finished and i can move forward with getting ready for birth and baby.

i really like that my nieces and nephews all used that crib, and it's now been passed on to us for our kids :)

this past saturday was skeleton park music festival. it was really great up until the point when it started raining. even then it wasn't bad, but it made it difficult to sit on the ground, and my legs and feet were getting tired, so i went home for a rest. but while i was there soaking my feet, it started raining more heavily and they had to pack up the show for the sake of the sound equipment. they did relocate to the goat and played a street concert on princess, but it wasn't quite the same as the park. i love lying around in the park all day surrounded by friends, strangers, neighbours, kids of all ages. there's never any place i'd rather be, which probably explained my disappointment of having to relocate because even the best alternatives pale in comparison to the atmosphere in the park. i guess i'll just look forward to next year's show with great enthusiasm.

cause everything will start again anew.

homely

this coming wednesday will be our third wedding anniversary. and yet, this evening we went thru all our wedding photos and sent them off to be printed. so in a week's time, they should arrive in the mail and we just have to pop them into the album we bought three years ago in cambodia. in the end, we're very pleased with the outcome. it's a nice mix of photos, and it tells a nice story of our wedding day.

tomorrow i start my last week of work! i can't wait til saturday, when i can stop having to decide on what would be comfortable, climate controlled and businessy. most of the time at home, i just wear a sports bra and underwear.

our moms threw us a baby shower this afternoon. or should i say 'me' because b wasn't invited. the funny thing about it is that no one told me where it was going to be, so i showed up at the wrong place! seems like a funny detail to overlook, but it worked out fine. i'm not sure if you're familiar with the photo of brendan wearing the infamous sailor suit. well... nancy has saved it all these years, and she gave it to me today at the shower! it's actually really large (the label says 24 months), but b was about 6 months old in this pic! yikes!

well i'm going to head to bed. my feet are swollen, so i'm going to put them up.

the days go by like a strand in the wind.

moldy

brendan and i have been going to the movies once every weekend. our idea was to take advantage of our freedom/flexibility while we can. it's become a fun little weekly tradition that i think we'll look back on fondly.

so far we've seen...
42

star trek

iron man
the internship

this is the end

and tonight we saw world war z. b was given the book for christmas and we've both read it since then. we both liked the movie. it's a good companion piece to the book. almost like a prequel.

next week we'll probably see man of steel.

when we came out of the theatre tonight, it was still light out, like it was 7:00. it was weird, but i suppose it makes sense, since today is the longest day of the year.

i'm so glad it's the weekend. my feet are mega swollen, and i think it's because i haven't had a chance to just recline with my feet up. sleeping has been a little better lately, so that's good.

the stars are shining
far too old
for me to understand.

hectic?

there's something strange going on with the food in our house.

1) avocados are taking more than a week to ripen. even when they look nice and dark, they're still hard. i learned a trick a few years ago that if you put an avocado in a brown bag overnight, it will be ripe by morning. even when i left an avocado in a paper bag for several days, it was still not ripe!

2) milk has been going bad very quickly (so in this case, it's the opposite of the avocado problem). i bought milk YESTERDAY and when i poured it on my cereal this morning it was just yellow water and curds. gross.

AND our kitchen smells like rotting food and i can't figure out where the smell is coming from. unpleasant.

oddly enough, it seems like my nesting instincts are dissipating. i've been spending tuesday evenings doing chores, and thoroughly enjoying it, but my motivation seems decreased. i'd LIKE our house to be tidy, but can't muster energy/desire to accomplish it.

thankfully, i slept better last night and felt much better in general today. my mom told me to put a pillow under my belly, and that added support seems to have taken strain off my shoulders, ribs and hips. that said, i'm now sleeping with 4 pillows (1 for head, 2 stacked pillows for feet, and 1 for belly).

keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

crusty

i'm 36 weeks pregnant and i have to say i'm starting to get really uncomfortable. my back aches, my front aches, i slept terribly, my hands are swollen, he feels super heavy in my abdomen. thankfully, i was intentional all weekend to keep my feet raised, and it seems i've managed to get the swelling down. which is good because even my toes were swelling. i really want to get my hand-swelling down. i get freaked when my wedding ring is stuck on my hand because it's titanium and it can't be cut off if that became necessary.

b was telling me yesterday that he'd read something about how i'm not supposed to sleep on my back because of this one important vein that supplies the placenta. so now i'm sleeping on either my right or left side - rotating between them throughout the night. i'm naturally a back and stomach sleeper, and i don't like HAVING to sleep on my side because it hurts my hips, ribs and a whole bunch of muscles.

i have two weeks left of work, four weeks left til my due date, and six weeks left til they won't let me be pregnant anymore. ugh. the thought of another six weeks is unpleasant. as soon as i'm done work on june 28, i'm going to start induction (spicy foods, lots of walking, etc) techniques to get this show on the road.

all the wonders that remain.

//

scrolling through facebook and postsecret today, i was struck by the clear dichotomy between them. facebook was full of warm messages about father's day, while postsecret was checked with different experiences and a broad range of messages. i find that i'm drawn more to the story told by postsecret, feeling a little that those on facebook with happy messages are either the minority, or that they're only sharing rose-coloured realities (maybe that's typical of facebook). in my observations, the majority of people have a very complex relationship with their fathers. if not the majority, at least a LOT of people.

thinking back over 30+ years of father's days, i'd have to say my feelings about this celebration of dads has been all over the board. thankfully, at this point, i feel quite healthy and well-adjusted, which is interesting because i know i've written father's day blog posts in the past from a very different perspective.

today, i can look back and see that my past hurts and emotional baggage were the direct result of circumstances, rather than my dad himself. so i can genuinely thank him and love him and wish him a happy father's day. that said, i'll keep my cards close to my chest and won't be posting soemthing shiny-happy on facebook about him. instead, i can scroll through postsecret and fully appreciate the broad range of emotions expressed there. i dunno, i kind of feel like the most honest approach to father's day is on that says "he's not perfect, but i love him anyways". heck, that's probably the best approach to mother's day too (many folks who don't have issues with their dad have issues with their moms).

one new experience for me though, is having peers and friends who are wishing their husbands/partners a happy father's day. and i'm encouraged to see that the young dads i know are good men, many in spite of the father's they've experienced. maybe things are changing. we can only hope, right? i'll hope that pattens of behaviour can be broken, and new generations will grow up to tell a new story.

pretend that love could help you find your way

hoods

yesterday was brendan's graduation day. it was at the k-rock centre, which meant he could invite as many people as he wanted. so in addition to me, his mom and gerry, my parents, joy and tim, and the kids came. they'd said it would be 3 hours, but it (thankfully) ended up being only 2 hours. even so, everyone else in our family left after b had accepted his diploma. that was fine though. it was an ok ceremony, although, i feel too much time was taken up with speeches. to be fair, there was only three, but that was too much for me. i just like to get to the point (which is the same reason why i didn't want a wedding sermon or homily).

when the grads started pouring in, we all looked out for him (being the tall guy with the beard really made it easier to spot him). i was surprised to find that i got all teary-eyed when i saw him. i dunno, maybe it was the milestone, or maybe it was that he worked really hard to get there, or maybe it was realization of journey he set out on over two years ago (deciding to go, applying to go, and saving up all his tuition), or maybe it was just hormonal, but i was overwhelmed.

i'm looking forward to buying matching frames and hanging mine and his side by side. the college logo has changed, but other than that they're a matching set :)

trust me on the sunscreen…

sits

today i started training my replacement – penny.

things went pretty well, she's an enjoyable person to be around. the greatest challenge i have is explaining things a bit at a time instead of overexposing her to everything at once. i think she's doing well, and i'm glad she voices her confusion and asks questions. i think she'll do just fine.

the only problem i encountered today was that in late afternoon we'd received word that one of the posters i created recently had been printed with an error. as we looked into it, we discovered the error was on my part, and i felt like a jackass. although, in my defense, the printer should have recognized the problem before printing and either corrected it themselves or sent it back to me. in a lot of ways, penny is a much more experienced designer than me, and she asked all sorts of questions about "did you do this, did you do that?" and i was like "no, i just did it this way, which is how i always do it". we managed to trouble shoot the problem and send new files. i'm just crossing my fingers that it's not too late and they can reprint it with the new file. i kind of feel like this problem is a mixed blessing. i think it will increase her confidence, reassured that i make mistakes too. i just feel a little bit like a dummy. oh well.

this place is always such a mess.

spill

my legs are jerky and i'm super tired. BUT i don't have much time to write these days, so i'm going to take a few minutes now before heading to bed.

last night shannon and rachel (with the help of brendan) threw me a surprise belly blessing/baby shower. i was TOTALLY surprised, which is impressive because i usually pick up on little clues. brendan has never been able to trick me with anything before.

it was a really fun time, and i was overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and love of the ladies in my life. they all wrote me blessings and words of encouragement, then tied them to mason jars with candles in them that we'll light around the house while i labour. rach and shannon wrote two lovely speeches, we played games, and ate birth/pregnancy/baby related snacks (ie... guacamole = baby poop). AND to top it all off, shannon and rach made a cake – a special cake of me giving birth to the baby. it was PRETTY CRAZY (in a great way). they clearly put a lot of effort into it and it was both hilarious AND tasty.

everyone pitched in towards buying us a 10-week trial of a local diaper service, which is SO AMAZING. we've been given so many hand-me-down things that there isn't a lot we need, but the diaper service will be such a huge help as we get used to baby, diapers, and our new routine. 

i was so wired afterwards from the surprise and excitement and love and fun, that i barely slept all night and kept b awake. haha.

we put it all together.

east

we saw our wee boy again today via ultrasound. he's head down just as he should be :) it only took her a second to determine that. then she spent some time doing measurements and took some new 3D pictures for us. she had a hard time getting a clear picture of his face because his feet were blocking the way. he was completely folded in half. she tried poking him several times to get him to move his feet, and at one point he made a little scowlly face as though he didn't like that at all. it was really funny. i like that he already seems to have a distinct personality. he's been consistently active in utero.

right now, at 35 weeks and 3 days, he weighs 6lbs 4 oz. he's likely to gain at least 2 pounds in the next 4.5 weeks. when i was talking to my co-worker today, she kept saying "well, he might be 7 pounds", but i think the only way that might happen is if he comes early. i was 8lbs 2 oz, so i always thought i'd have a baby in the 8lb range. it's 9+ pounds that freaks me out a little.

whenever joy had a baby, we placed bets (well... guesses really), on details around the birth. so we've got the chart going: birth date, weight, hair colour, eye colour, length of labour. my nieces and nephews both did a great job guessing. all of them (except liam who said 8 hours) guessed between an hour and two hours of labour. i suspect they guessed that because to them, an hour is a really long time. when i asked caleb how much he thought the baby would weigh, he said "two pounds", so i told him "oh buddy, he's already bigger than two pounds"). his second guess was 6 pounds, but as we now know, he's already bigger than that. brendan thought he'd be bald, but the ultrasound today indicated that he has hair. i suppose having an ultrasound so late in the game is a bit of a spoiler, but we were still happy to see him.

well! now that i've gone on and on about my baby, i hope i haven't bored you immensely.

keep your mind set, keep your hair long.

louis

it's been 15 years since i graduated highschool. and almost as long since i've seen most of my highschool friends. i'm not the best at keeping touch with old friends. as time has passed, the more comfortable i've gotten coming up with excuses to avoid getting together. and i do that because the longer it's been since we got together last, the more awkward it is. so really it's a vicious cycle.

anyways, a few weeks ago, i was invited to a bbq because my friend alastair was going to be in town. al is a really good guy, with a big heart and knack for telling good stories. so i really wanted to go. when i first mentioned it to be, he was somewhat dismissive, assuming that i'd find a way to get out of going. so weeks past, and i mentioned it again, and he was caught off guard like it was new news to him. i did manage to put him at ease, and he willingly came on saturday.

we had a really nice time. there were a few folks there who i didn't really know well back in my frontenac days, but my main closest friends were all there and we naturally gravitated to each other once again. once al got storytelling, we were all gripped and could have sat there listening to his adventures for ages.despite his initial reservations, b did very well with a crowd of people much older than him, almost all of whom have kids now. i was proud of b for his quick wit and personable nature.

suddenly, mingling with old friends seems less scary and i hope to see one or two of them more often. i'm glad we went. we had a nice time, and left a little early so we could go on a date to the movies (we've been going almost every week to make the most of our pre-baby time).

ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99...
wear sunscreen.

5'

i went for a pregnancy massage today at lunch. my legs have been SO SORE lately, and i've been getting leg cramps in the night. i wanted to have an hour massage after work, but there wasn't an appointment available so i took a half-hour lunch spot. since it was just a short appointment, she just worked on my legs rather than my sore abdomen too, which is ok because my legs feel great!! i've booked an hour massage for two weeks from now. i THINK it's covered, or at least particially covered through my benefits at work, but i have to double check.

life changes seem to come in waves. right now seems to be a very wavy time. there are changes at work, changes at next, friends graduating, friends getting jobs, friends looking for new jobs, friends buying houses, friends moving cities, and me (other people's friend) having a baby. it's kind of crazy - all these changes. i kind of wonder a little bit if the waves will ever settle or just keep on coming.

i microwaved a peanut butter cup today. i don't like cold chocolate. i was careful, i didn't want to over do it. just 5 seconds here and 5 seconds there.

you think i usually wearing the pants,
just 'cause i rarely wear a dress.

did you ever have 'donut days' at school when you were a kid? we did. i wish today was donut day.

tokens

i finished the marriage plot. it was really good. it was, without a doubt, the least predictable book i have ever read. even as i read the last page, i had no idea how it was going to end. refreshing!

since i spend tuesday evenings getting stuff done around the house, i really wanted to finish the shelf unit (we had a few small elements to finish) and get all the tools and wood put away. before b left for work, i asked him "do you think i could finish the shelf unit by myself?". i didn't hear his response fully, since he was in the other room, but it was clear that he felt it was a two person job. but as i looked around the house to find the most urgent task, i kept going back to the kitchen, and concluded that i'd give it a go. all it required was some measuring, some sawing, some drilling. all things i'm capable of - although, i'm not the best sawer. so i set to work. somehow i did manage to slice the top of one of my fingers while sawing, and started bleeding. but i'm pretty sure it was a wood splinter that nicked me because that finger was no where near the blade. as i sat out front, sawing wood at 8 months pregnant, charles drove by and offered me some help. but i'm someone who likes to persevere when i believe i'm capable at the task at hand, so i declined his kind offer. for the most part things went well. i did initially screw the wrong pieces together and had to undo my work, but it just made drilling the second time easier since the holes were pre-drilled. i did manage to get it finished, and it was nice to get all the tools and supplies out of that space.

following that, i did a week's worth of dishes :S lame, i know, but we've been preoccupied with other things that dishes started piling up. by the end of the evening, the floor was still covered in dirty little paw prints, BUT the kitchen was very orderly. i was quite tired in the end.

we had our latest midwife appointment yesterday. to my delight, my weight is starting to plateau out! i only gained 1 pound in two weeks, which is all baby! hooray! post-baby, i really want to get down to my target weight. i know i can do it, especially since i won't be sitting in a cubicle all the time. it was funny at the appointment because our student midwife commented that we're very "pro-active people" because we're both really informed about pregnancy and birth. that surprised us, since it seems normal to us, but i suppose a lot of folks don't bother learning about the process. i know i've shared a few things with joy that she didn't know about, even after having 4 babies.

we've built these wooden miracles.

unpredictable

lately i've come across several news pieces on two-parent families. the first was an article, the other was a debate. i'm guessing this is a hot topic right now, partly because some jackasses have been spouting out nonsense on national television. the thing that i've noticed (and what bugs me) is the focus seems to be about parenting. the debate seems to be two-parent vs one-parent, and which scenario results in the most successful child. this really angers me because of what's being implied (and overlooked) about the kids. as someone about to have a kid with my partner, yes, i'm happy that we're undertaking child-rearing together. BUT as a person who was raised in a one-parent family, and who's partner was also raised in a one-parent family, i want to give these news people the middle finger and tell them "up yours!!". thanks for telling me that i'm significantly worse off than my two-parent counter-parts. thanks for effectively saying that the hurdles i've had to over come (financially, emotionally, relationally, academically, etc) is not the definition of a "successful" person. i'm not saying that my family scenario was ideal, in fact, it was not, but there's nothing i can do about that, and i'm not going to sit here and let some stranger tell me that i'm a failure because my parents couldn't work out their problems. it's just ridiculous. yes, one-person families are often put kids at a disadvantage, but that does not dictate one's future. there are loads of screwed up two-parent families, the appearance of a 'stable' home doesn't guarantee that the adult-child will take advantage of their advantages. in fact, many take them for granted.

in addition, i resent the use of the word 'stable' to define a two-parent family, because it's not a given. stability is the result of healthy, stable individuals - not of their marital status. this is similar to the perception that a person only becomes "settled" once they're married. my mom used this line on me before, that she wanted to see me "settled" (i'm pretty sure she meant before she died) even though i'd been working consistently at the same job for the last seven years or so (at the time), was maintaining my own home and finances, was debt free and was fortunate enough to have many wonderful friends and no relationship drama. i'm no more settled now than i used to be, the only difference is that i have someone to share experiences with.

it's high-time people change their definitions and embrace the fact that people's lives and families are going to look a little different to how they did in the past. and recognize that there has never been a perfect scenario to begin with.

talking trash like soldiers,
with your friends lined up behind you.

hex key

we had a nice time in ottawa on friday, and were both really happy that we decided to go up there on a weeknight rather than using our day off. it gave us the chance to get lots done around the house. we even vacuumed out the car! the only thing left that we still haven't gotten to is finish the shelf-unit. it just has one more shelf to go on and we have to secure the parts together with the wall. hopefully we'll get to that soon.

we got out stroller at mec and got it all assembled on saturday. it's a chariot-style stroller, but was significantly cheaper than an actual chariot. we're very pleased with it, the only unexpected hiccup is that even with the infant support attachment, it can't be used for babies less than 3 months. which is fine really, because i'd rather carry him in a sling or carrier while he's little anyways.

we also went to ikea and picked up a bunch of small things for around the house. it was a highly productive roadtrip and we did remarkably well for time, except we took the wrong highway on our way home and it took us a half hour to get re-routed :S that's happened to me before, i really have to be careful with that. i think it happened while b and i were debating if the street's name was "moodie" or "moodle".

i'll get my peace of mind in a year or two.

cactus

last night i had a sharp pain in my lower abdomin and since then it's been a little sore. i felt a little worried about the baby afterwards because he wasn't moving much, so at about 4 am, i got up and had some cold juice then lied back down. within minutes he was quite active again :) i called the midwife this morning just to be safe, and they said (the student midwife and the actual midwife) it sounds like i pulled a muscle or ligament, and it's nothing to worry about. so that's good.

believe it or not, we went to a murder mystery last night. we were invited by joy, as it was being hosted by my old youth group leaders AND the parents of brendan's friend becky from highschool. joy actually won! she was the only one who guessed one of the two killers. we had to get all dressed up into costume, i was a lounge singer named 'ruby saphire' and b was 'fredrick lloyd' a (fake) british investor who was trying to woo me :p

count the lipstick stains,
that you get on all my cups.