crash

i love:
• leaving work early
• dancing in my bedroom
• random visits from friends
• emails from whatshisface
• birthday presents
• postcards
• good hairdays
• having a clean house
• lists
• being free from looming tasks
• internet snooping

have you ever thought about fear before? there are some fears that freak me out and make me want to run away from things that are good and valuable. there are other fears... things i'm afraid that i'll become or relive. so in a sense fear can both rob and motivation us. i'm afraid of growing into someone i don't want to be, but its my hope that because i fear it i will be able to avoid that. but also that i have friends and family who will keep me on the right track. i need to overcome my irrational fears. the fears that are spurred on by insecurity.

lately i've found it very difficult to enjoy "alone time". i used to crave time by myself, but somethings changed and i find myself at a loss when i have an evening alone. this bothers me. and as i sat here early evening feeling edgy and uncomfortable with the prospect of having no plans, i decided to make the most of it. play loud music. dance around. do some writing. do some drawing. watch a movie. do some knitting. call a friend. and you know what? i quite enjoyed myself. i need to give myself a kick in the ass more often.

why are our self-identities so easily lost? they shouldn't be something that is here one day and gone the next. i dunno. maybe its has something to do with the fact that we're constantly changing, but our conscious selves are slow in catching on.

well this concludes another entry. good night and good luck.

never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism.