plaid

yesterday was a red letter day, and today is an anniversary. i moved into the maxi-pad one year ago today! wow, i can't believe it! it's kind of neat to think i've done a lap and from here on i have experience with my house. now i know what it's like in every season.

i'm feeling established and it's nice. now that i've bought a pizza cutter and a curtain rod, the next things on my list are a garlic press and an ice cream scoop (the kind with the ejection lever). hm, i don't think i'll be eating pizza anytime soon, do you think i can christen my pizza cutter by cutting toast or something??

i am not the bubonic plague.

this afternoon i called my sister's house and joelle answered. she's been answering the phone since she was about 2 and a half, but she's only now really getting the hang of conversation. i asked her "who's there?" and she said "your mommy, and granddad – your daddy". i like that she's finally connecting the dots. she understood that my mom was joy's mommy, but didn't seem to quite understand where auntie lesley fit in the mix. now that she knows who my parents are, i wonder if she understand that her mommy is my sister. hm, i'll ask her tomorrow.

i was over at melinda's place helping her set up her studio space. it's a great area, it's going to be supa when it's done. i like that she had her itunes on random, i think i'll set my itunes to random for a little while too.

i'm feeling more like a grown-up and less like a little girl.

i'm staring into nothing
and i'm asking you why.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

p.s. since i haven't shown you any pictures of pekoe & honey
in a bit, i thought i'd post a couple.

broccoli

i know.
i did not forget.

this evening melinda and i went a number of stores looking for bargains. well i was looking for inexpensive household items, and she was with me. we walked around saying "i'd buy that if it was.... $4" then check to see the price. i pleased – got a pizza cutter, curtain, cool mugs for 2 bux and a mailbox! i've still got to get a new curtain rod or two, but i'll get one tomorrow at s&r. i've decided that i need an ottoman, a red one preferably.

i also bought my first pair of double-pointed knitting needles and am going to knit a pair of sox. i'm excited. i welcome a knitting challenge.

i'm on a roll with reading out-loud. i'm obsessed. today at work i was reading everything i got my hands on aloud but in a whisper. it's fun. i'm glad about my new enthusiasm. i even read out-loud to melinda a bit this evening. when we used to live together and she'd come talk to me while i was reading, i'd start reading out-loud to get her to go away. not because i was terrible, most of the time it was because she thought my books were awful. one time she was so appalled by the book i was reading that she and matt made me make a book-cover because they didn't think i should be seen in public with it. that was the one about the christian pirates, and quite truthfully it's cover did look like a harlequin romance.

one of my favourite things about foreign films is that i get so absorbed by them that i only remember them in english. it's neat.

do you ever think of me?
'cause i'll be thinking of you,
and you'll be thinking of... yourself.

fortitude

i think i'll try my hand at gardening. well, not so much gardening as having indoor plants. oh, and i'm going to have an outdoor plant-pot too. but historically, its been indoor plants that i'm highly unsuccessful with. fru used to eat all my plants. so i always just kept a bamboo plant, but it's past it's best, and is about to be thrown out. it's possible that honey and pekoe won't have the plant eating tendency, so i'll try to convert my brown-thumb to a green-thumb. i like plants, they make homes more homely, more soft and more human. i like my plant in my cube, it makes it feel less stagnant.

today the new summer student said "i was thinking, all my friends are starting to get engaged, probably all your friends are having babies". it was sort of cool that she recognizes we're in different stages, but at the same time, i felt weird because i have yet to hit the "all my friends are getting engaged" stage. i find it odd that that it's apparently passed me by.

honey's neck is doing much better, although her cold doesn't seem to be improving any. BUT the bottle of medicine says i have to give it to her twice a day for 21 days, so i guess i shouldn't expect it to clear up pronto.

i feel kind of silly, but i think my out-loud reading is improving a great deal. i realize this seems retarded, but everyone has SOMETHING they're crappy at. no one should look down on me for being vocally illiterate. besides, being open this way just makes me vulnerable and there's nothing wrong with that. i've discovered that if i read every word i see... than everything flows smoothly. yup, i analyzed myself and found that i gloss over most words so my reading out-loud isn't really reading at all, it's more like guessing at the written word. oh i'm a silly girl.

sometimes i feels like my life is one big self-improvement. i'm always tackling something new.

all the reasons i gave were just lies to buy myself some time.

unsightly

summer student season is upon us. i met the first one today. she seemed really excited to see another young person and immediately assumed that mayelin and i were summer students as well. funnily enough she knows melinda and went on about how she was this cool hippy grade 11 girl. it was funny, mayelin was laughing but i looked at her and nodded because it was true.

this evening i decided to go onto my back porch (it's enclosed but not heated so i haven't been able to use it all winter) and work on a puzzle. i got very carried away and ended up finishing the whole thing. i was extremely surprised when i came thru to the house to discover that it was after 10:00!! wow! time flies when you're doing a puzzle!

i could have used a roach clip to hold the garlic as i grated it for my dinner.

i've been very reluctant to commit to anything lately. if i feel people have expectations of me it makes me want to shake them off. sometimes i find when i do something consistently for a while, i end up forming others expectations of me. they expect things to continue that certain way. i like having the freedom to change things up. i need routine, but only a very loosely formed routine. so instead of resenting the expectations, i'm just trying to let them slide, like water off a ducks back. and hope that consistency doesn't ultimately lock me in to commitments i didn't actually commit to.

tell me what to say i'll be your mouthpiece.

bingo

i'm really terrible at reading out-loud. and it makes me feel ridiculous that i'm 27 and when i'm reading out-loud it seems i have a grade 5 reading level. when in fact, i'm a good reader. i read a lot! i read big books, i have a fairly broad vocabulary. my reading comprehension is quite high, it's just reading out-loud. it trips me up, i get breathless, i add in words that aren't there. it's frustrating. last week at storytellers anonymous we had to read out-loud what we'd written. it was very embarrassing. because i'm not an idiot, i just struggle when i read out-loud. so i've decided to start practicing. i used to do that, i'd read my bible out-loud to myself, but i guess at some point i couldn't be bothered anymore, so i reverted to silent reading. my logic tells me it's just a matter of practice and i'll eventually get the hang of it. and maybe some day feel almost comfortable reading to a group of people.

for the first time in my life, i think i may have a good head on my shoulders. so many times i've been betrayed by myself. but i've been getting my mind, soul and body aligned. unified for the greater good.

time is fabulous. isn't it amazing what a little time will do? i dunno, so far i haven't faced anything that a little time can't heal or set straight. step back – space brings perspective.

my mayonnaise expired on april 11, do you think it's unwise to use it in a potato salad?? i need some advise.

your life, little girl,
is an empty page
that men will want to write on.

etc

if i didn't know any better, i would have thought i was in-love this morning. i was so giddy and excited to be awake. i realized, it's the spring and the promise of summer. the love-affair begins with may.

good news, the cats don't have fleas and mites anymore. yay! pekoe is in good health, honey has been put on 2 forms of antibiotics because of her cold, and has an unrelated gash on her neck (i presume from them play fighting). so they shaved her neck and i have to put antibacterial stuff on it twice a day. there's a big lump as well, so if it doesn't clear up they're going to have to do a biopsy. oh dear. SO EXPENSIVE! frig, spending money is killing me. slowly.... haha, ok i'm just kidding. next on the agenda? koe gets the old snipperoo.

this evening i was in a rush to get to the vet on time, so i wolfed down my food faster than i ever have before. i was SHOCKED! i eat slowly. i like to eat slowly, i pretty much do everything slowly. except talk and drive.

last night i slept with my window open. it was wonderful. although, having an open window created an awareness of sleep uncommon to me.

there's bird poop on my balcony. now, usually i wouldn't be excited to see bird poop on my newly painted balcony, BUT i choose to see it as evidence that a bird had visited my bird feeder, since it was on the floor right below it. i've been hoping that the fact that my bird feeder is on the second-storey that it will catch the eye of my soon-to-be-bird-friends. you know, it's in their line of fire.

how come nothing tastes good?

fruition

so far my bird feeder isn't much of a hit with the birds. i'm hoping it will catch on, maybe it's still a little early.

my bum is a little sore from riding my bike. maybe i'm out of shape, but i definitely feel the burn when i bike up hill. my body just has to get used to it, break out of it's winter hibernation.

this afternoon i spontaneously stopped by the erb's to meet august. he's a lovely baby, and i'm really not just saying that! not every baby is cute, but he definitely is. i appreciate that rachel didn't offer to let me hold him. i like babies, but i prefer just looking. i'm not the kind of person always wants to hold them, when my niece & nephew were born i was shocked by the number of strangers who would come up to joy and ask to hold them. that seemed so nervy!

tonight was the last night of living room for the season. next week we're having a movie night, but that doesn't really count as a normal living room event. it's funny when you're right at the end of something, and you know it's over, yet it doesn't feel part of the past because it's still so fresh. it's been a good experience and once again i enjoyed it. it was more work than last year, and coincided with some trying times for me, but it was really great. the people were great and i learned a lot both from the study and from the people who came. as i look back on this year, it required more of me than i thought i was capable of. and it just reminds me that we often don't know what we're good at until we try. i have new challenges ahead of me, things that both make me nervous and excite me. i breathe deep.

even if we knew which way to head,
still we probably wouldn't go.

magnolia

melissa and i drove out to millhaven today to collect limestone rocks for her garden. my office is in millhaven, and every day i drive past several rock cuts with loose rock. it was funny because as we drove out there, i kept saying "it's still a little farther" or "it's still about 10 minutes", melissa would say "wow! it IS far". it's true, i drive a long way out into the boonies to get to work. it was fun showing her my office, even if it was just the outside. and i was able to show her the test-track where we walk every day at lunch time. on the way home we stopped in collins bay and i showed her my childhood home. i lived there from 3 years old to 20. driving thru that neighbourhood, i was reminded of all the people i knew who lived in each of the houses. and i was surprised by how small each house seemed. it was fun. we also went to produce town. i was so excited because i'd never been there before. that was neat too.

the rest of the day i spent working around the house. i'm enjoying feeling like an established grown-up. slowly, slowly i've been getting all the items for my house that i need. one thing i still need is a pizza cutter. that and a small curtain rod.

i miss venus. i've grown attached to that image as a symbol of graphic design. so that adobe has done away with that trademark symbol it's very sad. well not really, but you know.

thats why its nice to be by yourself.

rickshaw

i'm beat.

this evening i scraped, sanded, swept and painted my balcony. i've been meaning to do it since i moved in, but didn't get around to it since i didn't think it was urgent. but last fall i started to worry that the wood may be rotting, and since it's not supposed to rain til monday i thought this was a good time to do it. i'm pretty exhausted but it's a great kind of tired. i love my balcony, it's practically my summer living room. i spend 80% of my at home time out there (if you exclude sleeping). although, i'd forgotten how exposed it is to the world. i'm very "on-display" out there. it faces the road and this is a pretty busy street, there's always people walking, biking, skate-boarding and driving by. it makes people watching very easy since there's alway someone to spy on. one of my favourite things about my balcony is that it can't be accessed from the ground. the only door into my apartment is in the backyard. so i can sit out there til the wee hours of the morning and still be safe from any hoodlum on the street. i've taken back the night!

after i was cleaned up, i went out with nurse melissa for ice cream, we went to ben & jerry's. i'd never been there before because we usually go to white mountain. ah, i'm so excited that ice cream season is back. and balcony season :)

i have this problem that i forgot how to dress appropriately for spring. i keep underestimating the warm weather – wearing sox & closed-toe shoes. long-sleeve shirts and my new vest. i just don't want to take any chances that i could get a little cold if i don't wear enough layers. BUT i have taken the step of removing the plastic from my window. this makes THREE reasons why it can't snow again (bike outside, no plastic on window, freshly painted balcony).

earlier today i bought a bird feeder to hang from my awning. i'm so excited :) i didn't accomplish anything i intended to tonight. yay for spontaneity!

now who here among us still believes in choice?
not i!

negotiate

ah.
fluffy
pink
sox.

i wonder if it's safe for me to remove the plastic from my windows.

this evening i went for my first bike ride of the season. i spent 50¢ on air for its tires. 50¢ is too much money for air. for goodness sakes. i rode my bicycle down to the public library where i attempted to sign out a book, BUT the books i was looking for were all signed out. i love the library, i just find it hard finding good books there, seeing as they're all interspersed with the crappy ones. i perpetually fall for the judging a book by its cover.

i love riding my bike. and i'm delighted that it's once again bike-riding season. i do recognize the irony that on monday we had a massive snow storm and by today it's safe to store my bike outside. i was thinking on the way home that it wasn't until i was 25 that i knew how to change gears. sometimes i just don't think to find an easier way of doing things. biking, even though it's a physical action, is very mind-consuming. it's quite difficult for me to really spend time thinking about much other than the sights i see around me. unlike walking, walking requires less alertness. i'm going to be quite sore for the next few days. even walking upstairs was strenuous.

i got reacquainted with this city that was separated from me by the winter. skeleton park. the store famous. queen's campus. vic park. often as i bike past these places i recall events and people. but i'm also keenly aware of the fact that they may also contain traces of my future too. a number of years ago i biked up york street and laughed at this little white house whose driveway was paved right up to its front door. and lo and behold! that's where i live now!

i fear that the batmobile is going to be needing a repair. i hate money. a scarier thought is that the batmobile is aging and may not be with me much longer. yikes, and i thought i was strapped for cash now!

nothing lasts forever
that's the way it's gotta be.

relinquish

this evening was my first night at story-tellers anonymous. it's a little group formed by al and others from the rustle-next marriage. the purpose is to produce a zine. i've planned to attend since i first caught wind of it in december, but when it actually started up in february i was crashed and felt i had already reached my limit of involvement in everything. but since my realization that i need some newness in my life, i decided the time was now to join. the get together began at 7 at rustle. i walked. on the way i felt the weirdest sensation, my right foot was falling asleep starting at tip of my toes and made it's way back over my sole. it was odd walking with numb feet (the left foot caught on as well, but not to the same extent). however, by the time i arrived all was back to normal. among friends and new acquaintances i felt out of my element. i'm not a writer. i'm a lesley. whatever that is. i'll try my best, but i'm scared i may get 'cut' for not being up to par. or even worse they might include my bit out of kindness.

unspoken secrets. without a look or any acknowledgment at all, there is understanding. the secrets are kept. i feel driven to keep more secrets. i'm not hoarding information. i'm not even trying to be more private. i'm simply trying to use digression and not blab everything to "unsafe people". because rarely does something only involve me. but if something doesn't exist is there really a secret to be had? in a sense. my ego is bruised. i want to matter, more than a little.

i read a saying posted on the boards at work today "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". mull that one over a bit.

and super big congrats to rach and jase on the arrival of august everett erb! high-fives for big sisters astrid & muirgen too ;)

you do not need to stand on one foot.

java

i think the next car i get will be super little and purely economical. i like the idea of having a tiny geo metro or something – it's really funny. today more parts fell off the batmobile. but who cares, i didn't need that part anyway.

i was reading the new canadian food guide and i'm really coming up sort in the fruit/veggie and grains category. hm. it's just not possible for me to eat that much food! i realize the servings don't need to be very big, but what would my diet have to look like in order to cram all those portions in!?!? craziness.

i was fantasizing today about living on wolfe island. have i told you about that?? i hope to live on wolfe island in my 30s. that should be a neat experience! it's an interesting little community out there.

this evening i went to melissa's to hangout. we sat on her couch and walked gilmore girls. than paused live t.v. to run to the store for milk. she's a lovely lady and i enjoy our friendship a lot. we're quite different. i was excited because today i received my brochure back from the printer. so i took it with me to show her. i'm very proud of it, it's my best one yet. PLUS the print job was excellent and the quality is astounding.

today i was thinking about a near death experience i had as a teenager. even though i LOVE trains and am a self-proclaimed "train-nerd", i used to be afraid of them. melinda, this guy bram and i were walking to home from school – taking a short-cut by cutting across the train-tracks across the street from my school. because i was scared of trains i wanted to go run across the tracks before a train came. as i ran, i heard a horn and looked to see a train about 20ft away from me!! i'd been so focused on crossing the tracks before a train came that i didn't even think to look both ways before i crossed!! i'm an idiot. total close call. melinda and bram were stunned.

i'm living in an age
that calls darkness light.

socrates

i am cozy. in spite the rain, slush, sleet and wind. i'm cozy and well.

just don't piss in my flowerbeds.

things are working out. falling into place. i've discovered that in the circumstances where things don't go smoothly, it's often because i haven't the slight clue what i'm doing.

i'm kind of like a guy in that i only read instructions when things are working. which is funny because frank is the total opposite – prints out every manual and reads every word. he is wary, i am speedy. i charge ahead.

i've started checking my motives. i ask myself probing questions to find any disguised justification for my actions. i'm checked out ok.

funny this word 'ok'. last week i would have defined ok as 1) scraping by, 2) the bare minimum 3) still alive/still breathing. when today i define ok as 1) firmly grounded/established, 2) taken care of, 3) all right/as it should be. i like this week's definition best. there's nothing wrong with being just ok, it's usually just a starting line anyway.

they are the lanterns and you are the light.

quench

you're not here. yet there's remnants of you every where i go.

i'm getting my second wind. fresh air is blowing thru me and it's stoking the flames of hope. there've been times in my life, experiences that were excruciating, almost unbearable, but when i came out the other side i knew i was better for enduring them. right now i'm walking thru the fire. it hasn't been enjoyable, definitely not a feather in my cap, but no doubt character building. sometimes i get angry and want to yell at the sky "I HAVE ENOUGH CHARACTER. STOP WITH THE CHARACTER BUILDING ALREADY!!" but i recently discover that my stubbornness, my blatant refusal to learn, only hinders me. it makes me stunted.

my imagination is setting sail inside my head.

arcade

whoa, i have quite a lot to say since i didn't write yesterday. i have a bad cold and came home from work yesterday before noon. so i went to bed early before writing an entry. my voice is raspy and as sexy as sin. actually, it's not sexy at all. more like as ugly as sin.

anyway, yesterday i picked up a bag of clothes my mom's house that she's been trying to convince me to get rid of for probably seven years. when i got home, i started to go thru it and found that these sentimental clothes from high school actually FIT!! i'm excited for two reason, one – being the same size as i was in high school is a huge accomplishment, and two – i get to wear my totally tubular plaid bell-bottoms once again!! yay!! i LOVE those pants. so awesome.

tonight, rhonda and i went to see blades of glory, and man, i'm telling ya THAT's a hilarious movie. we laughed our asses off. after that we went to indigo and ended up having quite a long conversation in the aisle of the music section, so i suggested we go to the goat. we had a nice day full of activities. i really like days like that, living alone it's rare that i spend more than 4 hours with a single person. that's one thing i miss about having housemates.

beckie suggested to me recently that maybe i need to meet some new people. and as i've thought of it, i think she's right. i've been in a bit of a rut. in need of a change, something new. so making new friends may hit the spot. we're entering a season of change, so who knows WHO i might meet this summer! since my social detox began in february, i've remained stepped back. i'd kind of decided it was time for me to "let go of some friendships" and see if those relationships fizzle out without my initiative or if they'll carry on. kind of pull the life-support to see what happens. this was not a "test", it was more a matter of sifting my relationships – seeing which ones had substance and which didn't. of the friendships that have fizzled, i'm not surprised by any of them. and i actually feel better knowing that i'm not putting lots of effort into relationships that are just hanging by a thread. but i think my social detox is over, and i want to be socially engaged again.

i've started calling pekoe: koe-koe. haha. i really like it and think it suits him. i find it funny because it reminds me of that gorilla.

my place is a bit of a mess right now because i didn't do my dishes before bed yesterday or put away my bag of clothes. even though its 1:27 in the morning, i'm going to make myself do those things, i don't want to suffer tomorrow for yesterday's mistakes.

me and the cats have got our heads up to the screen,
we're watching the rain make everything clean.

intern

oh my goodness. this is so funny AND rather ironic. especially because i got locked out of my computer today. HAHAHA. corporate strong bad

yok

honey and pekoe make the stinky more than fru. so, i have to clean out the kitty litter like every 5 minutes. their names aren't rolling off my tongue as naturally as i'd like. i LOVED fru's name. i still do. although, when i look back, he DID have to grow into it. AND i had second-thoughts about it when i first got him. i still miss fru-fru.

i have this thing about single beds. i find them very funny. i especially find adults with single beds funny. the strange thing about that is that i'm an adult with a single bed. however, i don't discount the irony of the situation. regardless, i LOVE having a single bed. it's so much more practical! takes up less space AND i really don't move much – i just rotate from side to back to side to front – a single bed is all i need. maybe some day i'll get a headboard, but not a footboard because i like sleeping with my feet hanging off the end of my bed. it's this new thing i do.

did i tell ya i got the results of my heart monitor?? everything is fine. they did find it was beating fast, but not beyond "normal". she did mention that on the occasions that i recorded it beating fast they did find i had some extra heart beats in there. if it's bothersome than there's some medication they could put me on, but they tend to create a lot of negative side-effects.

i've heard a lot of people complaining about the rain. last week when i was pmsing, my mom suggested my funk was related the weather. i've actually really been enjoying the damp weather. each rainy day brings us closer to summer and washes winter away more and more. i LOVE that the snow from my 10 by 10 front lawn is gone. it tickles me pink.

garnish your soul.

oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here.

engulf

do i live in a poem? and if i do, what is a poem without tradegy and without splendor? my head is in the clouds, how do i get my feet on solid ground? perhaps my boots aren't made for walking.

i think you are the paper and i am the line.

i have the window in my living room open and can feel the air coming in. it's neither warm or cold. it's refreshing. i've sat there most of the evening, and before i knew it i'd read 74 pages of my new book. funny because when i started it earlier today i doubted whether it would engage me. i'm glad, i've needed an alternative reality to lose myself in. otherwise, if left to my own devices i'd just cook up trouble.

sometimes i touch up my make-up even though i'm just spending the evening at home alone. i'm delighted to find myself doing these things just for me. and why not? i've no one to impress except for me, and besides, that's much more easily done :)

haunted by a past i just can't see anymore.

ukulele

i've deemed my cube "the cube of boredom".

i'm doing well though, i've had a semi-relaxing evening, it still feels quite early. i've been a little tired today though, so i'm gonna try and hit the hay early.

a conversation with beckie got me thinking about the female ego. we hear a lot about the male ego, but what about the female ego?!?! i wonder what would be identified as the female ego. hm, i wonder if we're even allowed to have egos. the WORD 'ego' even sounds masculine.

honey and pekoe had their first appointment at the vet tonight. i really like my vet, she's super nice and was so excited when she saw i was booked for an appointment. she felt really bad for me when we had to put fru down. she raved about these two and i felt very proud of them. honey weights 1.9 kg and pekoe weights 2.4 kg – so they ARE significantly different sizes. it turns out that they both have fleas AND ear mites. ugh. and i have some medication i have to rub into honey's eyes for the next 10 days because of the pus. ugh again.

so BASICALLY i'm really poor right now, and i presume i'm about to get poorer. BUT i'm spending barely anything for the next while, that should compensate. but whatever, i'll be fine. what's so great about money anyway?? nothing. besides, i take pleasure in the challenge of stretching my money. like this week i only spent $19 on groceries! and believe you me, i eat pretty well! and really... i usually don't have much food anyway. melissa commented last week that my fridge was the fullest she's ever seen it. hahaha.

i'm feeling pretty content. i like how my life has stabilized and so far i'm not even itching for some drama. that may make for a dull pspd, but no doubt some excitement will spring up at some point. i love that in my head i see myself as the captain of this massive ship and i'm standing at the bow with a pirate hat and a telescope ready to yell "land ho!" what's the connection? well, the waves of my life have just calmed a little. perhaps we're just in the eye of the storm...

this is a fairly long entry, i wonder why it still feels like i've said nothing. except that pirate part – that was GOLD!

i could take away the shaking knees,
and i could give you all the olive trees.

proxy

oh my goodness. the funniest thing happened today. i was at a dinner party at (let's keep him anonymous) a co-worker's house. while he and marilyn were in the kitchen april says to mayelin and i "what's that bottle over there?" we look to see a bottle of lube sitting on a bookshelf in the dinning room!! "motion lotion". HAHAHAHAHA. it was so funny and creepy. because he's a single older man. what the heck is it doing there!?!?! shocking. i think people regularly look at round other people's homes for incriminating items but you NEVER actually see anything!

live to the hilt!

i will never be unaffected. there's no sense in trying to convince myself that i won't be. although, i'm trying to remind myself that very few people actually care about the crazy details of my life. the self-inflicted drama. it's kind of a relief to know the general public doesn't give a damn. my friends and family care and that's what matters. i am self-important, but i eat my own humble pie. and i'm not a good cook. i suppose instead of fighting the fact that i care about everything deeply, i should embrace it. except it can be exhausting being passionate ALL the time.

aw frig. i wanted to be home much earlier tonight. i tried to excuse myself early, but marilyn told me i wasn't leaving til i helped with the dishes, so i argued back that we had to start them right then, because i wanted to go. i like that marilyn and i bicker, it shows that we've worked together a long time. anyway, in spite the fact that it's only 9:40 i'm going to get ready for bed. i'm exhausted. and my stomach is full of flan.

we've both been very brave,
walk around with both legs.

appelkaka

the time has come. the time when joelle starts to wonder things about me. she asked joy "why doesn't auntie lesley have any babies?" joy simply told her it's because i'm not married and that you have to be married to have babies. then, without thinking she said "that's why she has two cats". she cringed realizing how bad that sounded. i suppose it's somewhat true that i don't have kids because i'm unmarried, but i think it's more accurate to say "because she doesn't want any yet". i never thought i'd have kids at 27, nor did i want to. i have a long way to go before reaching that stage. i'm still coming of age.

i heard yesterday the saying "it's to your credit to overlook an offense". i think that's completely true. i'll stick that in my pipe and smoke it.

i fear that he has somehow slandered my reputation and she's now afraid of me thinking i'm a psycho. i've done many things in my life that i'm not proud of, but falling in love with a nutjob is the least of my crimes.

listening to depressing johnny cash covers on repeat isn't always the best way to spend easter sunday. or any day for that matter. thankfully changing my tunes broke me out of my lethargic state.

this afternoon we sat around the table at my sisters house. the 7 of us. what a ride we've been on together. i have it amazingly good. my "broken home" is more complete, more joyful and more loving than many traditional homes. i'm SO THANKFUL that my parents get along. and i'm so glad that after all these years, we are once again one unit. let this be a lesson to me, that not everything good happens right when we want it to. not everything good comes in the form we're expecting. i've experience great disappointments in my life, but what is crooked is always made straight.

give me your eyes,
i need sunshine.
your blood,
your bones,
your voice,
and your ghost.

obliterated

well... picture this. me gallivanting around the king-of-towns trying to get the right RAM and trying to get it installed. i ended up in amherstview at the laird's new place, where together, brandon and i figured out the inner workings of my imac. well it was mostly brandon but i watched and now consider myself a pro. i like how we vacuumed out all the dust :D so, that being said, i have now increased the RAM on my computer by 400%. unfortunately, the difference isn't THAT noticable, which is a little disappointing. i hoped it would blow my sox off! regardless, i now have my entire CS2 software happily installed. all is good. and legit.

ooh, my family just arrived to meet the kitties. brb.

well, both honey and pekoe were quite shy with the kids and spent most of their time hiding. i was disappointed that they'd react that way, i'm not a fan of recluse kitties. but they're not usually like that, so hopefully they were just overwhelmed by having two loud kids around.

i spent the evening clearing off my desk, going thru drawers, hanging pictures. basically doing things around the house that i've been putting off. it was good, got me out of a funk. this afternoon i felt kind of lost, i didn't know what to do with myself. i went to melinda's for a bit and felt like a zombie. she even commented on my comatose state. so i'm glad i was able to muster my ambition and actually be productive. as i putsied, i got thinking about starting over. about how it would be to start my life over – in the exact same situation – but knowing what i know now. how different would it be. i would experience every moment with greater understanding, i would breathe deep the things i now cherish. oh how i wish we wouldn't take for granted what we have. what we don't have.

kevin and amy from downstairs are away for the weekend. i love it when they're not here. it feels like i'm home alone. i can play my music loud and hammer into the walls late into the evening without caution. it's nice.

you are someone else,
i am still right here.

blurry

passing interludes leave imprints on our lives. sometimes for the better. sometimes for the worst.

this afternoon melissa and i took in a matinée at the screening room. we saw "the painted veil" and you know what!?! i just realized i haven't the slightest clue where that name comes from. they painted veil... anyway, the theatre was relatively empty and yet an old stinky man ended up sitting beside me. it was very distracting and i tried my best to hold my nose towards lissa and not the man. i have this thing about scents. i find them very intimate. therefore i don't want to smell in strangers, it feels like i'm ingesting a part of them. sometimes i find myself holding my breath when i pass people on the street, not because they smell, but just in case i inhale them. i dunno. i'm kind of weird. this is a neuroses i have. it was dormant for a number of years but seems to have crept up again.

we quite liked the movie. my mom had read it's review recently and told me "there's a lot of nudity in that..." i said "oh really...." and kept talking. nudity doesn't bother me. i find it funny that she even mentioned it, like she expected me to not see it or something. regardless, there was hardly any nudity at all! i was disappointed... JUST KIDDING.


as you can see, above is a photo of mr pekoe and wild honey. i must admit that i think my red walls photograph well. there isn't a single photo i've seen of my living room where i didn't think they looked stunning.

tomorrow i'm going to get more RAM for my computer. i hope i don't royally screw it up. my mac is my baby.

the best thing for me to do is run faster than you.

prerogative

i was so excited today. i finally got CS2 for my home computer and couldn't wait to install it. CS2 = adobe creative suite 2. it includes illustrator, photoshop, indesign. the three giants in my world as a designer. it's nerdtastic. however, i've encountered some difficulties. my computer doesn't have enough RAM and i don't know how to go about upgrading that. so i've placed a call to B$ in hopes that he will cure me of my computer woes.

i have an overwhelming urge to blow honey's nose. although, i don't think that's possible. poor little girl. my little wild honey. she came with a nasty cold and it's not getting any better.

man, it's cold out. it's like it's winter again. wow, that was a very short summer....

i've had some kings of convenience on my computer for quite a while, but it wasn't until melinda put them on a new mixed-tape for the batmobile did i start listening to them. i really like their stuff! they have a simon & garfunkel quality. very soothing.

i would like to see barbara walters interviewing herself. seriously, i wonder how SHE'D like it.

this is the book i never read.

army

whatever happened to winona ryder?? man, that shop-lifting stunt can't have killed her career. many actors have done WAY worse things. like seriously, consider hugh grant. he's been hugely successful after his street-walker exploits. i think i can speak for both myself and melinda when i say, i'd see any movie she puts out.

he is a double-edged sword.

can someone tell me how to get rid of "loser scent"? i think i'm exhibiting some seriously loser stench lines. it's never a good thing when you look upon yourself with disdain. i wish i could clear my mind of preconceived notions. you know, kind of wipe the hard drive of my mind. i think missing the milestones set by myself hurt more than not living up to other people's expectations. this has been a rough day. i've been hard on myself, and have a cynical response to every pep-talk i try to give myself. although, i concluded today that my moods change like the weather – they're unpredictable and uncontrollable, and sometimes you've just got to ride them out.

probably last week or the week before i was thinking back to when i was 24. i think i was suffering from the hopeless high school mentality when you can't imagine not being in high school so everything seems so bleak. except, obviously, i wasn't in high school. as i thought back, i mused over how much my life has changed and i couldn't even have imagined. then i thought forward, and considered that in years to come things will change radically and i can't picture that either. but right now... i can't see past next tuesday. not like i need to know what's gonna happen, (because i don't) but i'm feeling rather pessimistic.

once upon a time i was just a little bone.
i was just a tiny little rib,
and the rib cage was my home.
somesdays i wondered how it would feel,
to be my own person, to eat my own meals.

rebuttal

it's been slow in coming, but i'm happy to announce that i'm finally done my first sweater. melissa... spread the word to rahiem! it began as a sweater for the one and only joelle, but it took too long so now its going to kenya.

i'm afraid of living my whole life as "the best friend" or as "extended family". i want to be the star of my own life story. i'm growing tired of being a tag-along in other people's lives. i want my own life damn it! don't get me wrong, i enjoy the experiences i get to have, i just am feeling like i don't ever get to steer the bloomin' ship! i'm at the mercy of everyone's else's schedules or life events.

it's kind of embarrassing that my dad keeps calling asking about my "family". apparently i've slipped into "spinster with cats" status without even knowing it.

i have a pocket full of memories. my stomach is in knots.

things change (i guess). i didn't expect to change. there was a time when i would have said (and i did say) "i don't understand these people who aren't on msn all the time..." but i've turned into one of those people. for some reason i have almost no interest in being online. although... i'm signed on right now, just no one can see me. aha!

brown pants, brown sweater, brown vest, brown mitts.

am i bleeding?? where did that blood come from!?! i need to stop picking at my face.

sometimes wikipedia gets me thru the day. today i learned that bob barker was widowed in 1983 (or maybe '82) and never remarried. he didn't see any reason to. his wife was the love of his life. they had no children. huh. you don't hear much of that these days. i wonder what wikipedia would say about me if there was a lesley mcknight section. probably just that i was soandso's friend or suchandsuch's relative. is it possible to become invisible to yourself? because i think that's starting to happen. meh, i'm just in a mood.

these are the contents of my head.

INDAS

i come to you today, asking for your assistance.
please give me your feedback...

which is easier to say:
honey & pekoe
or
pekoe & honey

hurt

ah, i just got in from a really great power walk. my body is pulsing, my ears are cold, my breath is exaggerated.

as usual, i marvel at life. at its seemingly random order of things. how events and people fit together, and how others – no matter how hard we try or wish – just won't. i think of an old man and his wife, and the tribute they receive. and i hope i won't remain undiscovered.

i strive to live my life in such a way that i recognize a good thing when i have it, instead of just realizing it when it's gone.

sometimes i think... i don't know what i think.

i know sacrifice will be worth it. i just have to get used to it. i'll steal from pete to pay paul.

i'm attaining balance. i have room to breathe. boundaries have been set and i'm now living comfortably amongst them. i'm relieved. what have i learned i wonder? well, for one thing, i've learned that i'm tired of always learning. i hate feeling like my life is one long t.v. series and i'm always having to learn the "moral of the story". it's in my nature to always be searching, but i suppose even i want somethings to just have face-value and nothing more. lessons are often painful, and they're not like badges you only have to achieve once. usually, we have to learn the same things over and over again. at least i do. although, whenever i THINK i've got one thing mastered, i quickly realize that feeling comfortable makes me stupid.

it feels good to be at home.

run in the direction of your dreams...

never wanted to be more than who i am.
never wanted to be less than everything.

off

i've had quite a good weekend. it's been a nice long relaxing day, and i did a lot. it's amazing how much you can do when you have free time. i have mixed feelings about going back to work tomorrow because i've enjoyed my weekend so much, but it IS a 4 day week, so that'll be nice. 4 day weeks are awesome in themselves, then we get the added bonus of the 3 day weekend. right on!

this afternoon laney and melissa came by to meet honey and pekoe. they both heartily liked them. they really are super kitties and i'm enjoying them a great deal. i'm really glad i got them both, i thought "one is for me, two are for each other".

after the girls left, i watched "ever after" and pekoe fell asleep on my lap. i haven't seen it in years, i've always liked it. although watching it, i found, made me kind of sad about my single status. i suppose that's normal, and i'll feel that way from time to time, but i hate being sad over things i can't change. however, after the movie was done i put on some dancey music, and i started feeling much better. it was a mixed-cd of dancey music i made in 2003 – i just found the other day. it's really funny some of the stuff i included on it, but it makes me dance and sing, and that was EXACTLY the point. it's music to clean the house to.

i re-upholstered my last two kitchen chairs tonight, it's nice to have gotten those done. and i'm almost finished knitting that sweater that was originally for joelle but it's now going to kenya because i took so long to knit it that it's too small for her. ah... reconnecting with my hobbies. it was nice being out on my back porch stapling on the fabric, and i got thinking about how great this summer will be.

:) i feel like i'm finally getting some breathing space. i think i'm the most chilled than i have in months. my heart is still beating a little fast, but my emotional state is pretty relaxed.

days go by and still i think of you,
days when i couldn't live my life without you.

katinka

TODAY.... i adopted two little kitties. i'm SO excited. they're lovely. i felt "one is for me, two are for each other". i'm not home A LOT, and it didn't seem fair to get a little kitty and leave him home all the time by himself. i think it was hard on fru, and i always regretted separating him from his brother.

these are my kitties. they're brother and sister.
the girl's name is honey, and the boy's name is pekoe.

the picture on the top is pekoe. he's a silver tabby and is slightly cross-eyed. it's adorable.

the picture on the bottom is honey. she's a brown tabby and is wheezing a little bit because she's getting over a cold.

i'm gonna have to get them fixed asap because they're siblings, and i don't want any funny business going on.

i'm really enjoying them. i drove all the way to belleville to get them. it was a nice little roadtrip, i went all by myself. i like that i just got in the car and drove – that i can do that. being an adult is really great.

i got my heart monitor off yesterday. i'm so glad, i'm allergic to the tape and my skin is all red and itchy. having this electronic device stuck on my body was a funny experience, i liked to imagine that i was undercover and was bugged.

ah, the weather is SO beautiful out. i always say i love summer, but i love spring too, and i also like fall. i drove with the window down and basked in the sunshine.

it's a hard parade,
just be courageous.

irrational fear of bears

well i've got this heart monitor strapped to my chest. ooh, it's itchy. the lady was very nice and let me walk around the office with no shirt on. oh... did i say let me? i meant had to. i asked her all sorts of questions as she did her thing, it wasn't that i didn't trust her, i was just very interested in what she was doing. she gave me a piece of paper that i have to write stuff down. when she hooked it up, she said "oh my your heart is going 25 beats faster than eariler" i was surprised to hear that because i didn't feel anything in particular. she said "it must be going very fast when you can actually feel it". its kind of nice to know that i'm not crazy or imagining it, but on the other hand, i'm not thrilled about having any problems with my heart. i've been very blessed to be relatively healthy.

there was a bit of a mix up because she had written down that i was a male. i'm not sure how that happened because i am in fact a female. it was partly due to this unisex name i have. but that wasn't fully to blame because that's the info she got from wendy at dr. pritchard's office. oh well, no harm done, it just meant she didn't have to shave my chest.

i recently realized it was time to retire my spring/fall coat. i bought it at goodwill when i was 16, it was old, the zipper was broken and not weather conducive – it was hot when it was hot out and cold when it was cold out. so i decided to buy me a vest. it's brown and i got it 50% off. i questioned whether i could pull off the vest thing, but decided that if i put a button on it, that would make it "very lesley" so it would be all good. i must admit, i like it quite a lot. it feels very grown-up.

frank is having to do a major spring cleaning in his office. he's sorting out and throwing out 20 years worth of stuff. he's a pack-rat. i noticed a stack of photos faced down so i picked one up to see what it was and found its this really beautiful night shot of a TTC subway station. so i took one (since he had a dozen) and picked up a nice frame, and now i have me a beautiful piece of art! and all it cost me was the price of the frame.

so, bbd had increased the number of website that it has blocked. this includes blogger. i'm shut down. at least on the job, which is funny since just yesterday i was talking about blogging at work. its kind of nice though, checking blogs can be very addictive, and addictions tend to end up controling our lives. so in a strange way, this limitation is liberating.

you know our hearts beat time out very slowly.

magnum

i am currently at melissa's house doing my laundry and using her computer while she's not here. i hope it's ok that i'm using her macbook. its interesting because i was just recently thinking about how i've never written an entry anywhere but at home. oh except at work, but that's still my computer. haha, its kind of funny to think i have two computers! i love them both...

when it comes to computers, there's nothing i hate more than when a software or operating system gets upgraded and actually becomes less innovative. ARGH! i HATE that.

this afternoon i was sitting in my cube feeling really uncomfortable in my clothes. i couldn't wait to get home and change out of them. then i realized... "its not my pants, its the fact that i haven't been getting any exercise for the whole month of march!!" so when i got home from work, i went for a long walk around the big block (the memorial centre). i quite enjoyed myself, swinging my arms as i marched. at top lesley speed, i managed to get all the way around and home again in 25 minutes. good to know. it felt great. i like being active.

since last night's entry, i've come across at least 3 different potential kitties, and all of them have fallen thru. i'm feeling ok, although it's hard continuously getting my hopes up like that. but finding the right kitty is important. the same goes with men, i wouldn't just marry any ole guy, so i'm not going to adopt any ole kitty either. i have to hold out for the right one and not feel pressured into bringing home one that other people think i should get. my mom tried to convince me to adopt this year old she'd seen a the pet store, she chalked up my disinterest to me being "in a snit". which really annoyed me, then that PUT me in a snit. but i'm very particular, and since it's my cat, i want to feel 100% about it. i'm stubborn.

aside from losing fru, i'm doing quite well. it dawned on me that i've been "crush-free" since the new year. it's nice. i haven't been crush-free since a month in 1997. yikes. what a record, not something i'm proud of. i've done the "single thing" for 3 years now, and yet i'm only now experiencing being truly single. it feels good. i'm done with unrequited love.

my saddlebags are full of wishes.

pay phone

no such luck with finding a potential kitty-mate. melinda and i hit the humane society to discover they only had TWO cats. TWO CATS total. and no kittens. apparently there's a "cat season" and that's not for another couple months. so it looks like its just gonna be me and the empty house for a WHILE longer. this SUCKS ASS!! i HATE that fru died. i love him and miss him!!! i'm sad :(

i went to the doctor today and i have to get a heart monitor stuck on my chest for 24 hours. he explained rapid and irregular heart beats, and said this heart monitor is just a precaution. he doesn't suspect anything serious but doesn't want to gamble. i left feeling convinced it's the stress in my life and when i got thinking about it i don't actively have any hobbies. i have things i like to do, but i haven't been doing them. i'm too busy doing other stuff. i need my hobbies, for my mental and physical health. therefore, i'm going to finish refurbishing my kitchen chairs and i'm going to pick up drawing again. in light of this i wanted to spend a chunk of this evening chilling out. so i had a candle-lit bubble bath while eating chocolate and listening to enya. *sigh*

i like how my taxman is amusingly effeminate. i look forward to seeing him every year.

i've become obsessed with moisturizing my face. both my parents have good skin as a result of using cream. i'm not afraid of wrinkles, i'm only 27, but i'm certain my future-self will thank my present-self for being so considerate.

you don't need a reason, just let the rain go on and on.

serious (problem)

i have no illusions. i realize that most people don't really enjoy hearing about other people's pets as much as the pet owner – unless they've met them or something. however, considering my present state, i find i talk about fru or adopting a new kitty at least 50% of the time. it's very therapeutic and i appreciate that talking about it makes me feel better.

tomorrow after my doctor's appointment about my rapid heart, melinda and i are going to go to the humane society to see about a kitten. i'm excited, the thought of a new kitty warms my heart a great deal. the thought of bringing home a new kitty on saturday is getting me thru the week in this quiet and empty house. once i decided on a name, i felt new hope about the future. i'm scared i won't find a kitten i liked as much as fru. he was awesome. he was quirky. i hope i find one that has its own unique personality, but is equally as awesome in its own special way.

i'd like to curl up in bed with my feet warm reading for a while. ooh, that sounds nice. just gonna finish this entry then do the dishes.

this evening i met up with irina and melinda at the goat. frig, i was in an odd mood, and pretty much laughed at everything melinda said. even things that weren't supposed to be funny. it was fun, and nice to see gus.

small the town and big the mess,
that i cause with every step,
but still i walk, nonetheless.

princess towers

my heart is racing almost constantly now. i've lied on the couch for the entire afternoon in hopes that it may help me relax and slow my heart rate. i feel a heart-attack coming on. that can't be good.

fru's absence hits me in the most unexpected ways. i had no idea he filled certain holes in my heart. i wish he was here.

last night sandwich and i went to go see the painted veil. it was sold out so we saw 300 instead. which i think is incredible funny because we went to see a chick-flick and ended up seeing the polar-opposite. with the blood and violence and explicit sexual content. it was very interesting. it made the book of esther make WAY more sense.

today i watched "prelude to a kiss". meg ryan's character was a graphic designer!!! i've never seen a movie before where someone was a graphic designer. neat! but she was working as a bartender. sounds familiar.

everyone i know goes away in the end.

ton of bricks

i took fru to the vet.
and i had to have him put down.

he'd gotten into my yarn and swallowed it, except some of it got caught around his tongue so it wasn't able to leave his system. it would have caused his intenstines to pull together like an accordion and it would have eventually ripped right thru them. they were going to have to perform surgery that would cost $1200.00 and they couldn't guarantee that it would work or even that he'd live thru the surgery. he was terribly de-hydrated and his eyes were sunken into his head. he would have had to stay there for 3 days to be hydrated. he was very unwell. he was not himself, he was like a zombie. it was awful to see him that way. that was the only thing that made it easy to let him go. he may not have fully recovered. i said my good-byes to him, i know that he loved me, unfortunately he was in such a state that he didn't interact or even recognize me. i was prepared for that possibility. when i left, the thought occurred to me that i might come home without him, but in that case i sort of expected that they might just keep him overnight.

he was my fru-fru and i loved him. he meant so much to me partly because back in 2004 after my stupid boyfriend dumped me and i was living in a crappy bachelor apartment, he was the only friend i had in the world (other than melinda). he's been my pal for 4 years. he'd been with me thru some really significant changes. i thought he'd be with me for 20 years, so i didn't even take many pictures of him.

i called my mom from the vet's when they gave me the prognosis, and she came down to be with me. i really appreciated that. as i waited for her my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating fast. it felt like the equivalent to patting my head and rubbing my stomach at the same time. it just added to my stress. although, the vet and staff were very sympathetic and supportive.

my subconscious expected him to be here when i got home, even though i was carrying his empty carrier. i'm going to miss him a lot. he was such an unusual guy. he played fetch, and was very vocal. he was cuddly and would sleep on my feet every night. he will be missed. it's just so sudden.

i loved that no matter what, i was his. i belonged to him as much as he did to me. and no matter what i was to anyone else, or how anyone else viewed me. to him, i was just his human. i was his person. i love that it's so simple. it's nice to know that the only thing he wanted or expected from me was love and food. nothing else. it's a liberating identity.

i feel like i've lost my sidekick.

it reminded me of time i spent with you – it was beautiful.

frühlinsanfang

well it was an exciting morning. with the firemen and the carbon monoxide and the sirens. glaven! all before before 8:30.

a strong heart will prevail.

thimble

my house smells like febreze, carpet cleaner, air freshener and puke. fru-fru is very sick. yes, i've heard about the cat food recall, but i don't feed him wet-food. i don't think he's puked since the middle of the night. so maybe 18 hours ago. but the poor kitty looks like he's been kicked in the belly. oh dear. i would feel terrible if something happens to him. he's such a character. a little weirdo.

i got the newsletter completely done tonight and after that i even sat and watched the t.v.! can you believe it!?! i can hardly believe it myself. i had to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with watching the t.v. instead of vaccuming or doing my dishes or whatever. to just sit. to vege. i can't believe its come to this. oh dear. i fear i'm becoming my mother. yikes!

besides, multi-tasking is over-rated.

in spite all my stress and rapid heart-rate, i'd have to say things are going quite well. work has been good. spring is just around the corner. i've been able to put some miles between me and my heartbreak, and i rarely look back. i'm feeling decent about myself. got a small raise at work. my new routine of doing my dishes and putting away my clothes is still going strong. i'm eating well – cooking creatively for myself. i have all i need and then some. so i realize things are good, and i won't complain. i'll figure out a balance, and learn not to fill up all my free time with tasks or activities. it'll just take some time.

i'm gonna go to bed early. yay!

there is no there there.

town meeting

i've realized i'm more of the "give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves" mentality. also, i'm prone to just think "aw, screw'em".

i know i've said this before, but... ignorance is not bliss, its just ignorance.

i can't help but wonder... has fru puked in EVERY room in my house? is he done puking? what's making him puke? questions, questions, more questions.

only a fool claims to be wise.

i'm a pomegranate. what can i say. i'll spend my entire life discovering new hidden compartments.

i'm trying to remove my "chore" or "task" train of thought. i want to cast of anything that feels like a burden or obligation. its not that i'll stop doing things, i'm just going to abandon the element of "have to". its not my activities that make me feel miserable, its the pretense by which i do them.

waiting for something that'll never arrive.

butterfly

i find it hilarious that my entire family is crazy about george stroumboulopoulos and think the would be perfect for me. hahaha. i have to admit, they're getting better at identifying my taste in men. i recently came to the conclusion that i want to marry sufjan stevens... i wonder if he's available.

over lunch, joy and tim tried to explain to my mom's new housemate why i'm cool and they're not. she wasn't quite grasping what cool is, and thought that anyone who is just themself and didn't care what people thought was classified as cool. but joy told her that a lot of uncool people don't care what people think, and that doesn't make them less uncool. they ultimately decided that george stroumboulopoulos was cool, and this brought the conversation back round to him.

joy's friend donna thinks joy's very cool, and she laughs and says "no, my sister's cool". i find that strange. i'm not trying to be cool, i'm just me. i do what i want. so i was surprised to hear her say that with admiration. this has come up various times over the years, when we'd fight. she was always the outgoing sister and i was the cool sister. she was the well-liked sister, i was the different sister. i always felt as though i lived in her shadow, and i think she felt ordinary compared to me. i think we've since become more comfortable with who we are, and i find now that i want for her what she wants for her. and vise versa.

i think some people just ooze cool. like paul newman or james dean. there's no defining it or capturing it. there's no faking it either. i wish i could think of some cool chicks, but every one i think of is also pretty screwed up! why are all cool chicks screwed up somehow!?! that's very interesting to me.

wow! i've actually written an entire entry on one specific topic! that's a first!

cool my brains and soothe my head.

cozy

today is st patrick's day. i don't really dig st. patty's day, probably because i'm not a big drinker. however, when i look around at everyone going nutty about it, i usually think "at least i'm irish..." i find it so odd to see people get so excited about it when not even be their heritage. i'm not super in touch with my irish roots, i'm pretty much only irish by name. i like my last name, although, sometimes i wish i had a more flowing name like maya angelou. her name just gracefully slides off the tongue as practically a single word. my name is very syllable defined les•ley mc•knight. so... back to my heritage. i remember my dad saying once "i don't wear green on st. patrick's day. we're from the north. we're orange". yep, we're from northern ireland, outside of belfast. i was talking to my mom today and she said to me "an irish father and a scotish mother. gosh, quite the combination..." i laughed and said "no wonder i'm feisty!" below is the mcknight clan coat of arms. i found a website that explained the definition, but i already knew it – mc = "son of" and knight = "knight". not hard. i DID learn though, that mcknight can be used interchangeably with "mcruddery" which i got a real kick out of. hahaha. not that far from the truth. hahaha. while we're on this topic, i'll share with you that lesley means "grey fort" and meredith means "protector of the sea". i'm like a friggin warrior princess!


i've had a crazy social day. breakfast/lunch with laney and melissa. went to the goat to read when beckie arrived with her friends kate and anne. so i joined them. then after being there for 3 hours, rhonda and isaac came by hoping to find me there so i could help her pick out a new computer. it was fun. and i still enjoyed most of the afternoon and all of the evening at home by myself. i talked to my mom on the phone for 70 minutes! which was crazy since we never do that. it was a nice talk. at one point i was telling her "because i have a dysfunctional background....", she grimaced and said "ya, sorry about that". meh, whatever. hahaha.

i went to modern primitive today looking for a new choker, but they didn't have what i was looking for. BUT while i was there i spotted these really super awesome studs!! they're very cool and i've never seen anything like them before. they're made of sterling silver and sea shells. they're from thailand. they're very cool. i loves them, i LOVES them. they're chunky, they have substance. i like jewelry with a presence.

i saw three roads, and i didn't know,
which way to go-go-go.

trots

melinda and i just watched "running with scissors" it was a little on the creepy side. and now i'm waiting for her to be ready for me to drive her home.

i met up with her at the goat today, it was really funny to walk in the door and to find her sitting at a table with beckie and her friend kate. its like "worlds colliding" or "realities merging". as i sat there, i thought about how they are my two friends who moved far away and now i was sitting with them both at the same time at the goat.

we had basmati rice and pizza for dinner. with ginger ale.

i want to have good news to report
every time i come up for air.

flood

apparently stress and anxiety run in my family. i didn't realize that. i wouldn't say i'm suffering from anxiety, but i am extremely stressed out. i just needed some space, some time to myself. to such the extent that i didn't answer my door this evening when i heard the door-bell and it was obvious that i was home. i need to kick it down a few notches.

i feel like i need a social diet. or i need to just sit around and not be multi-tasking.

i dunno. my identity has changed so much in recent years that i don't know which extreme is more me. bored, no-life lesley... or crazy, socially overwhelmed lesley?? i have no clue. i just want to be me, i just need to pull that out from under all the clutter.

waa-waa. boo-hoo. poor me.
JUST KIDDING!

i have no drama in my life. i'm glad. in my present state, there's nothing about me to gossip about. it's a squeaky clean life for me. i need to shake off the notion that no drama equals a dull existence. i'm not complaining, i just wanted to share that i'm stressed and my heart is racing from being overwhelmed. i'm not fully recovered from my breakdown, so i need to remind myself to take it easy and not be over loaded. pspd is the best outlet to let everyone know i still need some breathing space.

i like listening to banjo music in my cube.

my baby's got the lonesome lows,
don't quite go away overnight.

sniff

do you think i'm an intimidating person?? i intimidated TWO different people today in two different circumstances by simply being myself! it's strange. i didn't think anyone would have any reason to be intimidated by me. lesley.

sad news (kind of), i don't get to go to berlin. BOOOOOOO. but i'm doing ok. not too devastated.

i talked to ferrence today, and was saying that my problem is that i don't have a travel companion. i have the desire to travel. i COULD just go to berlin for vacation, i have the vacation time and the means to do so. but no one to go with. all my friends either don't have a job with vacation, are in school, have kids, have a spouse, have dogs, or can't afford a trip. i wish i knew more people in the same stage of life as me so we could do a little traveling. ferrence's solution to this problem is for me to become his salsa partner. argh, i don't see how that would solve anything. he just needs a dance partner. especially since i declined. however, melissa and i might be going to mexico next year during her reading week. i really really hope that pans out.

i'm still plugging away at mere christianity. i've been too busy to read lately. but i wanted to share with you what i read today: "the sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. the thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly or not to live in a beautiful place? by no means, in both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest." wow, that's amazing. and so true. we grow so accustomed to things that we forget our first excitement. i always thought it was a result of our nature as humans to always be unsatisfied and ungrateful. but that makes more sense! things change. feelings change. and that's ok!

i've concluded that i'm kind of square. and honestly i don't understand why squareness gets such a bad rap! i think accepting that about myself is good. while pretending to be something i'm not is bad. i wish i wasn't shy though, but i think my shyness only kicks in whenever i feel uncomfortable. WOW! i never realized that before. that explains why my squareness and shyness is interconnected in my mind.

i'm feeling content. i'm growing more and more confident that everything will be ok, and that good things come to those who wait.

now that eveybody's here,
could we please have your attention?
there is nothing left to fear,
no, now that bigfoot is captured.

vista

dear ndugu...

guess who might be going to BERLIN in may!!! oh ya... i have the best job. nothing is certain, it may fall thru, BUT i'm hoping it won't. i acted all cool about it with the knickers, she's not happy, she doesn't want me to go. so its possible she'll put the kibosh on that. it would only be for a couple days, but i'm going to try and extend my trip over the weekend and crash at ian & diane's house. luckily i know people there! one of joy's best friends. i'll keep you posted.

yes, i definitely have the traveling bug. its under my skin. i want to get as many passport stamps in my life-time as possible :)

i'm a geek...

today i got a trans-atlantic letter in the mail from my cousin pam. she's so great. it was funny because as i read it i could hear her accent in my head. oh frig, even thinking of her now makes me laugh, she's so funny. she's coming to visit this summer at the end of july-early august. so YOU might get to met her. she's fantabulous :) i'm not nearly as funny as her.

i'm doing well. i'm feeling good. i danced the whole way home from work tonight. i was THAT excited about my possible trip to berlin. i must have looked ridiculous to the surrounding cars. whateva. they can kiss my tailpipe.

now – i need a change of scenery.

ducks

this is me and bud in market square when he visited at xmas.

i had no idea he was that much taller than me.
lala, i like buttons.

clown fish

daylight savings time is killing me.

i'm just NOT a morning person. my body rejects it, it doesn't matter what time i go to bed. i can go to bed at 9pm and get up at 5am and wake up feeling like crap. OR go to bed at 6am and wake up at 11am and feel great. its the time of day i wake up as opposed to the time i go to bed. its like i live in the wrong time zone or something.

i'm stressed and it makes me feel rotten. i don't know what i'm going to do. i wish i could run away. to unwind i had a shower and let my hair air dry. i love evening showers :)

i'm slightly tripped out.

i want to dye my hair again. when i was a teenager, i used to alter my hair when i was upset or angst. i'm sure there still may be some of that in me, but i mostly just like it.

my foot is bleeding.

ouch.

just listen to me
i won't pretend to understand
the movement of the wind
or the waves out in the ocean.

entrust

it's amazing how much of life we waste. seriously, consider how many minutes of your life are taken up with mundane tasks or mundane people – moments you can't get back. i don't want a wasted life.

i have a headache. i didn't take anything earlier in the evening in hopes that it might go away. ooh, you know what?? i think its because i didn't have a cup of tea until 4:00 this afternoon. i thought i had, but now that i think of it, it was YESTERDAY that i had a cup of tea upon waking. eek. that's annoying. i didn't clue in because usually the caffeine related headache is cured by caffeine, but perhaps i'm passed that now...

daylights savings time is really disorienting.

over the last several weeks, i've been thinking about how being considerate is a cornerstone friendship. being considerate of your friends time, money, energy. being considerate of their feelings, situation, body image. i think that's a radical concept, and one that should be grasped by all. i know i don't always succeed, but i can see it in hindsight and that's a good sign. there's hope for me yet.

ah *sigh*

we talked a little bit tonight at living room about being overly busy and yet unproductive. i'm facing a pretty loaded week, i'm hoping i'll be able to juggle everything in such a way that it turns out to be productive and yet unbusy. we'll see. we'll see. we'll see. that's one of my favourite expressions. we'll see. because it's true! we will see what happens, it's often not what we expect.

the grass is happy
and i think 'so am i'.

ostracized

its a good thing everyone is different. i like that everyone is not the same, because things just wouldn't work. for example, if everyone wanted to live in the maxi pad, that would be a problem. unfortunately, i think as humans, we tend to look down on people who are different to us. people who like different restaurants or different movies – we automatically think they have poor taste and think they're less than us. but imagine how much a pain in the ass it would be if EVERYONE wanted to go to the goat. or EVERYONE wanted to rent the same flicks. we'd be frustrated. variety is essential. in a sense it makes the world go round.

DOON'T forget the change your clocks TONIGHT!

sometimes i'm a really crappy friend.

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are,
i had to find you, tell you I need you,
tell you I set you apart.
tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions,
oh lets go back to the start.
nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said that it would be this hard.
oh take me back to the start.

the sleepless scapegoat

for your information:

when experiencing an earthquake, open the door – if the building shifts, you won't get stuck in the room.

1 out of 7 people were born with only one kidney.

in bangkok, you have to pay the firefighters before they come put out your house fire.

what’s a must
when the heart beats slow.

recycling

i can confirm the rumours. the melinda has arrived back in canada and we spent a hilarious evening of doing stuff.

while she was away she made a new mixed tape, which i really appreciate since its been about.... 6 or 7 years since the last one. to my delight, she included "crimson and clover" on it. i totally love that song. i like that she knows that. or if she didn't, she thought i would, which is equally good.

we're going to create a t-shirt company called "sexy immigrant" or "dead parents" but are leaning towards "sexy immi" its the least offensive.

at one point i started to get really tripped out thinking "who is this person 'melinda' who i've known for all these years, and who's behaviour is almost second nature to me?" its craziness. when i think about it, she is the closest thing to a "life partner" i've had so far. hmm, that sounds strange/inappropriate. regardless she's my kindred spirit.... wearing doc martins. i wonder if i expected us to still be this close back in 1997. i actually think we've become MORE silly as time goes on.

its quite amusing because she throws these "ja"s into her sentences without even realizing it. hahaha. so funny.

unexpected highlights of our evening:
• when the car door flung open unexpectedly.
• driving over the new overpass twice.
• melinda making me dinner in my kitchen while i sat on the table telling her "check the fish".

today i looked up "marshmallows" in wikipedia. oh, and that boy band "otown". weird. anyway, back to marshmallows... i wanted to find out when they were first created, but instead i discovered there have been two "cubby bunny" related deaths. yikes!

i'm back with scars to show.
back with the streets I know.
will never take me anywhere but here.

tappered pants

there's something about jim guthrie. he makes me feel so anchored. so confident in who i am. which is weird for some reason. but i like it.

its interesting when we get a glimpse at ourselves thru other people's eyes. when that happens, i often find myself thinking "that's not me at all! how did that person come to THAT conclusion!??!" and its usually a result of their own frame of mind. people search to find themselves in others.

sometimes crazy people move back into the country. and drink soya milk upon their arrival.

i've done very well at changing my routine. i now always put my clothes away, i always do my dishes the day of, and i'm on time for work every day! oddly enough, i've found myself becoming more lapsed in other areas. for example i used to make my bed every day as soon as i woke up, but i've started leaving it unmade all day. but i do eventually have to make it, because i HATE sleeping in an unmade bed. its SO uncomfortable.

the other day melissa told me that i was childish and then we laughed because i knew she didn't mean it THAT way. and tonight rhonda told me that i'm not a serious person, but tried to explain that i am but i'm not really. its true, i'm kind of an odd blend, i'm a mishmash of types. a V8 of people. i wish i was less shy and more witty. less reserved and more untangled. but i think i'm ok with me. i'm starting to not beating myself up for not being... different than i am.

had a life affirming talk
with the garbage man today.
he said “believe in me,
i take the trash away”.

so small

life is too short to spend with all the wrong people. i won't be investing my time and energy in things without substance. or things that are leaking.

i'm glad that things change. people change. i change. at some point, certain behaviours become inappropriate, like they pass their best-before-date. i think as people we shape-shift with our circumstances. i'm shape-shifting.

things are becoming more clear. i am sustainable.

it's true... that saying "when it rains it pours". i wonder why everything happens all at once, or why nothing happens at all. but it's beyond me. i won't be able to figure it out. lately i've been at peace. peace of mind. peace of heart. i'm sure there's a lot of factors, but i won't over think it. i am resting, resting.

i have a knack to find the most comfortable positions to sit in.

go give it all you got,
for a friend that could be,
for a life that might be.

veer

there have been a number of odd occurrences today:
firstly, when i was in the shower today, i couldn't remember if i'd used shampoo or if i'd skipped it and gone straight for the conditioner. so i had to start over.
secondly, this evening i stopped in briefly to take out my contacts, i went into the bathroom to discover my toilet set was up. i have NO idea why, and it's kind of unnerving. for two reasons, one part because i think i might be losing my mind, and the other part because if i'm not losing my mind than someone was in my house! neither are good scenarios.

earlier tonight, i drove around the streets of kingston belting out "it must have been love, but its over now" with beckie. this was before she put on my coat + bag and pranced around melissa's dinning room pretending to be me. it was not a pleasant sight. sadly, i think it may have been quite accurate and now i'm self-conscious of.... all of me.

i fear that i'm ordinary. and that when people look at me, i seem ordinary. beck reassured me that everyone feels that way sometimes, then we laughed at the irony of that statement. being normal is admirable. i just don't want to be ordinary, i want to be extraordinary.

at melissa's tonight, i was struck with the pleasure of being a solid, secure, single woman in the company of her friends. its a good place to be – not feeling like i should be some where else. just happy to be as i am. i was shocked to discover yesterday that my sister is under the impression that i don't plan my life. its actually the exact opposite, i HAVE planned my life, but it just hasn't turned out the way i planned it. and i'm glad. i have a good thing going, and by no credit to myself – in the sense that i didn't actually pick this plot, i found myself in it.

i had some dreams
they were clouds in my coffee.

mistakes (we knew we were making)

the power went out in a very select area of ktown tonight. it appeared to be isolated to brock, princess and queen from king to sydenham. i was sitting in the goat with beck when all of a sudden we were in pitch dark. they went round and lit candles on each table and we sat talking by candle light for 2 hours. such settings are what meaningful conversations are birthed from.

it was quite beautiful. it was quiet.

i have climbed highest mountains,
i have run through the fields,
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

prince of wales

yesterday i went on a radical road trip with melissa to ottawa to pick up beckie at the airport. her plane didn't get in until 10:30 so we had to whole day to venture around odd•a•wa.

we had a really fun day and we did a lot!
part one) tour of the parliament buildings and up the peace tower.
part two) walk down the frozen canal and shared a beaver tail.
part three) shopping at the rideau centre where we picked up some inexpensive clothes!
part four) dinner at richtree market (aka le marche mövenpick).
part five) ikea – got a fry pan for 4 bux.
part six) starbucks/chapters.
part seven) lounging in a random couch at YOW airport.
part eight) the drive home/beck leaves her purse on the hood of the car.
we didn't get in til 2 a.m. so i'm pretty pooped today.

we got to see two of beckie's puppies. awwwww they are SO SO SO awesome!!! they're so beautifully adorable, i could hardly stand up.

i like inside jokes. not that there inside, but that they're a result of close friendships. i'm really happy to have beckie home, and i look forward to the return of... my mystery friend. tight friendships take time to form, and effort to maintain. it hit me this morning, that its been a long time since i spent a full day with someone else. i'd forgotten what it was like, and now that i remember i don't want to forget again. its funny that sometimes we can miss something without even realizing its gone. something absent is much easy to overlook, because its not there to remind you.

i'm not the kind that likes to tell you
just what you want me to.

ici

oh my goodness... on the way to work today, i saw this really beautiful bird on the other side of the road. it was quite large, about the size of a chicken. it started to run across the street, i thought to myself "what is it doing". it ran RIGHT in front of me. i heard a thud, my car bumped up a little, then thru the rear view mirror i could see it writhing around on the ground. i just prayed "oh God, let it be dead. kill it now God" it was so beautiful and unusual. i tried to figure out what it was, then looked up different possibilities on the internet. it was a roadrunner. i ran over a roadrunner. i've never run over anything with my car before (other than that deer), why did i have to kill a roadrunner?!?! why not a squirrel or a pigeon!?!?! some of its feathers are in my grill. they're very pretty. its sad :( oh man, it makes me chuckle a little. i hope that doesn't make me a bad person. i wasn't aware there were roadrunners in this area. perhaps i killed the only one.

repressed at will,
give it time.

phony

i don't know what to say.

it's been not quite a week, and part of me is wondering if i'm ready yet. i'll try to take it slow.

i've got to tell you, i felt betrayed by my blog. and my trust is not restored. some people say "well you know, it is the internet, YOU are putting it out there". but there's a flip side. people have got to understand that i'm writing for ME. i started pspd as an outlet, and i write for myself. i'm glad that people can relate to it, i'm glad that people enjoy reading it. but i've got to ask you to understand that this is my LIFE – its not fictional, its personal. its not here for public consumption or for entertainment. i will try my best to remember this bizarre virtual reality and that what i write here is not as secure as it feels.

that being said, i'm still not quite sure what to say. and i'm still wary.

two evenings ago, i found myself in the middle of a performance art piece. well, even now i can't be certain of what was ACTUALLY happening, and the chances of there being a performance piece in a burger king is quite unlikely. but it was trippy nonetheless.

i cannot deny that i'm in denial.

i have this problem where i can't just say a little. often i start a story intending to only tell the necessary facts and no more, then when i'm done i realize i've said WAY more than i should have. i feel uncomfortable. no doubt they feel uncomfortable too. i want to learn to hold my tongue. unfortunately, as people, we love to indulge in the details. we sometimes relish in the not so nice details.

it feels like everything i love eventually turns sour on me. so i shouldn't be surprised that my relationship with pspd is on the rocks. too much of a good thing is usually too much. my problem is, i LIKE all my activities. i LIKE all my friends. the key is everything in moderation. i've got to learn to say no occasionally.

some think me a fool.

if i'd been a boy, my parents would have name me ian. weird. i can't imagine that. i wouldn't have picked that name for me, nor would i have picked lesley for that matter. but ian is a weird name, it starts with 2 vowels.

i just want to hold on to the
easy silence that you make for me,
it’s ok when there’s nothing more to say to me.
and the peaceful quiet you create for me.
and the way you keep the world at bay for me,
the way you keep the world at bay.