c

i worked today to make up for one of the three days i missed this week. how i'll account for the others is yet to be decided. i wasn't pleased about working a saturday, but it turned out pretty well. i wore the most comfy and work-inappropriate clothes i could find, and blared my music instead of listening on headphones. it was great. very liberating. equal to the freedom of walking around your own home in the buff. i kind of wish i had the entire office to myself EVERY day, it was probably my most productive work day in recent history.

when melinda and i went to pei last summer she wore a night mask all the time. i was finding it difficult to sleep, so i dug thru my cupboards and found an night mask that came part of a travel kit, and i started wearing it to bed too. my plan was to only wear it in the mornings when light streams thru the windows, but i've grown extremely attached to my mask that i wear it all night long. it was very handy to have up north, but i'm finding wearing it here at home more difficult. i wake up in the night and it's absent from my face and i mumble aloud "where's my mask? where's my mask?" often one of the cats had snatched is away. i don't like that. if forced to decide between my mask and my cats sleeping in my room, i'm going to pick the mask. melinda's is purple, mine is silver. i love it, it makes me feel like audrey hepburn or carrie bradshaw. nice.

russian is a very complicated language.

the truth lies.

crock

it was back to work today, and all went fairly well. i was hassled a small bit about missing 3 days, i felt kind of manipulated, but frank told me to just shrug it off, and that's what i'm going to do. the morning went slowly and i found myself looking at the clock more than necessary. i realized i usually spend much of my day glancing at the clock at the top of my screen, and i don't like that. anything i do compulsively and excessively is not good. so i decided to remove the clock from my taskbar and i felt much better for the rest of the day. it made it feel more like a regular day where i can get lost in my work instead of doing time.

i feel like i'm growing into my adult teeth. while i was away i discovered the delight of HOT tea instead of lukewarm tea. it's delicious and it doesn't burn my tongue like i thought it would. i also realized that big mugs take longer to drink and therefore the tea is cold when i get more than halfway down. so after work i decided to swing by dansk to buy a new work mug. i wanted something nice and snazzy, but also inexpensive. they had a VERY limited selection there, however, they did have plain white teacups with matching saucers. and i've been wanting a cup and saucer for some times now, so i bought one for $1.99. i'm quite excited and look forward to drinking out of it tomorrow :D

i'm currently uploading a crap-load of photos right now, it's taking forever. and they don't include beckie's photos which are really nice, so i think once these are done i'll go to bed and upload the devious ones tomorrow. for now... click here.

beck got me hooked on the show "weeds". she had the first season on dvd and i stayed up until 3 am watching it one night. so this evening i rented disc one of season two. if you enjoy shows that pushes the envelope, i strongly suggest renting this one from your local video store. but i must warn you, it was a series made for showtime, so it's incredibly uncensored. it's not for the faint of heart. it's definitely made my jaw drop more than once.

if i didn't know any better, i'd think you like to sneak back into my subconscious whenever i forget about you.

and you say "yeah, but why so cold, and so canadian".

taima

I'M BACK!

the winds of time were in my favour this morning and after a delay and a near missed connection i made it back to ottawa. hurray!

well, i've kept you updated about my travel perils, but i suppose i've told you little about my actual trip. above is a photo of me on during an afternoon activity of hiking up a large hill. this is not to be confused with my hike up duval (i'm going to be posting my photos on flickr tomorrow, you'll see duval pics then). i have to admit, even though i love the spring and i was exciting when i saw trees as we flew above ottawa... i miss the mountains, and when i look at this photo i feel excited because i think "there's kim and aus's house!" i had a really great time, it was grand adventure, a lovely escape, and a restful recess. i feel recharged and i don't mind the idea of going into work tomorrow, or of working on saturday.

i think i may have developed a liking for manicures, and it got me into some trouble.

she had a mark on her neck that closely resembled a hickey. hmm.

i hope i can transition back into my normal life without becoming too overwhelmed. i'm a little afraid i'll find myself back in the deep-end, drowning in kingston before i get my bearings. i hope not. i've learned a lot from my trip, from the surroundings, and from beckie, and i'd like to apply it all to my life. i'm very glad i had the opportunity to experience the north :)

i'm looking forward to seeing you all and getting caught up on everything :)

see what you want to see.
you should see it all.

dash

i finished my shrug this evening. you know... make good use of my time and all. at first i wasn't sure what i thought of it, but now that i've been wearing it for a couple hours, i really like it. it makes me feel super sexy.

it's highly possible that i'm leaving for ontario tomorrow, but as i've learned, nothing in life is certain. so i won't put to much faith in first air.

aside from the 3 day delay in arriving, and the 4 day delay in departing, i've had a lovely time. hahahaha. what a nutty time it's been. quite an adventure in more ways than one. that being said, i'm looking forward to spring in kingston, and to not wearing winter boots until next november.

i've been thinking on how quickly i adjust to places and locations. after a matter of days i'd adjusted to my surroundings here in pang and felt perfectly at home. it feels completely natural being here, as though i've always been and always will be (but let's hope not). i've felt this way before, on other trips, in other surroundings. i wonder if everyone is as versatile. i feel like i slip into experiences as one slips into the tub. i think my ability to be "all there" may make me more trusting than some. i'm not hesitant and i'm not anxious. hm.... thoughts to think about further.

sometimes because i'm technically unattached to my friends and family, i doubt my significance in their lives. several people told me they'd miss me while i'm away, and i can't help but feel that after enough time i'd be forgotten. well... not forgotten exactly, people would remember me fondly, but i wouldn't be missed after the initial adjustment period, and that makes me sad. however, then i got thinking about people who i know who've moved away or grown apart from and i still miss them. so maybe i'm not as dispensable as i feel sometimes.

man, i've got to go eat some lime tositos now. that was the worse use of 7 bux ever. melinder – i wish you were here to eat them.

i'll bring the sun to you when i come.

nauseous

my second attempt to leave pang has failed. i'm going to try again tonight. and probably again tomorrow. the prognosis is not good.

i miss you guys.

exit

my flight home today was canceled due to weather. this is the first day of poor weather since i've been here. i find it ironic, beckie says its just the north. at least this time i'm stranded in pang.

it's ok, i'm just disappointed that i'm having to use more vacation days. i'm currently scheduled for monday morning. i should be back in ktown that evening.

in the meantime, here are some of beckie's photos:
this is one of me and beck mid-way up duval.

and this is one of me on a ski-doo at yesterday's spring picnic.
it was only -2º!

hope you're all well. i need to go call my parents, then play some boggle :)

i've been stranded in the combat zone

mandolin

i'd never climbed a mountain before. not even in the summer, but we'd been invited along with beckie's friend mike to climb mount duval. we accepted his invitation and decided to go on beck's 30th birthday.

as we headed out, climbing the first of many false summits (i believe there are 13 in total), we were pooped, and all three of us were secretly thinking "i don't want to do this", but we carried on. i was hopeful that once i built up some momentum it would get easier.

i was dressed in full winter gear, snow pants, parka, toque, seal skin mitts, many layers, but quickly discovered that along with getting really hot and sweaty from climbing, it was also a fantastic day out (a high of -13º). so i tried to peel back my layers as much as i could.

as we climbed the town below got smaller and smaller, while duval seemed to get larger and larger. the trip was estimated to take 3 hours to reach the inukshuk at the top, then 1 hour to slide down. i was worried that my tiny bladder couldn't hold out that long, but it did, even though it actually look us closer to 5 hrs to climb, and an hour and a half to come down.

as i've said before, the artic is beautiful, as we sat on the ridge eating peanut butter sandwiches we could see for miles this expansive wilderness. it's enough to blow your mind. what a privilege it is to sit and take in such a view.

beckie is a clever girl, who pleasantly surprises me at every turn. i was so delighted at lunch time when she took out a thermos full of hot tea. i've never had such a lovely cup of tea in all my life. however, she only gave me one cup full and promised me another one when we reached the top. i swear, at times, that cup of tea was the only thing spurring me forward. i hit the wall so close to the top and i was ready to quit and climb back down, but beckie had new found motivation and kept plowing ahead. mike kept telling me "you can't just climb 90% of a mountain, you've come so far, don't quit now!", so i plowed on, knowing a cup of tea was waiting for me. it was like a carrot before me. thankfully, i remembered i had my ipod in my pocket, i pulled it out and danced & strutted the rest of my way.

when we finally reached the top, the view was unparalleled and worth every step.

at the true summit, i drank my cup of triumphant tea and beckie flashed the artic. we figured that was excellent way to usher in her thirties. i'm pretty proud of her, fricking awesome. i can't imagine a better way to celebrate one's 30th birthday. i've got less than 2 years to come up with something cool.

we slid down the mountain on our bums, riding the snow like waves. it was amazing to think sections that had taken 20 minutes to climb had only taken 20 seconds to slide down.

we arrived back at beckie's place in time to cook a big meal for 14 people. everyone had been invited for a fancy, semi-formal dinner. it went very smoothly and was also lots of fun. by the end of the evening tho, we were both quite pooped. sore, tired, and our faces were sunburnt! i never expected to get a sunburn in the artic. at first i thought it was nice to have some colour in my skin again, but now the burn looks blotchy and there's some distinct tan lines from my sunglasses.

pictures to follow shortly. i should be home late late saturday night barring any storms or mishaps.

i run to the rock

toes

sometimes when several days go by between entries i don't know where to start or what to say. there's obviously a lot to say and i don't know where to begin other than... i'm having a very nice time, it's been really relaxing and enjoyable. we've been cross-country skiing a couple times, i've been on a ski-doo ride around the fjord, we sat in a real-live igloo, we've been to several dinner parties. we've also chilled, i've been reading, knitting and watching movies. very relaxing :)

the artic is extremely beautiful. it's vast and dominating. i look up at the mountains or across the fjord and realize how tiny i am in comparison. everything has the illusion of being small (or at least not humongous) when actually they're deceivingly large.

i like being exposed to this other side of canada. part of me feels like i'm seeing my country for the first time. this is what the rest of the world imagines when they think of canada, it almost feels like my part of it isn't actually it's true self. i also like seeing this part of beckie's life. i've heard so much about it for the last year & a half, and now i get to see the things, and meet the people, she's been talking about. there's definitely part of me that understands her draw to this place.

one of my favourite things about my time in iqaluit was waking up each day thinking "maybe this is the day i'll make it to pang". actually, that thought existed for two days previous to iqaluit, however, there's something amazing and lovely about beginning each day with a new sense of hope. to breathe in and out the aura of possibility. how wonderful, regardless of how painfully frustrating it can be.

i love beckie's dogs. and i love that they remember me and jumped around in excitement when i arrived.

i don't think this entry does anything justice. similar to the photos i've taken, they just don't fully represent magnitude their subjects.

we will never grow cold only taciturn.

hurray!

i'm here!
i made it!

hold-steady

this is day two of me being alone in the artic. i got up early this morning to walk down to the airport to put my name on the standby list, and there were TWO people already on the list before me. so i was third out of 17 which isn't bad but not good. i spoke with the manager about them providing a charter trip thru a small plane company, she talked to them about it and they're trying to get that arranged for tomorrow morning. so hopefully, i'll either get on tomorrow's regular flight to pang via the standby list, or will make it there on a charter flight. HERE'S HOPING! keep your fingers crossed...

you know, i find it bizarre that we keep our fingers crossed to wish other people luck and cross our fingers to tell a lie. strange.

well i've finished one book and almost finished a second one. good thing i brought so much reading material, i almost didn't, it seemed a little excessive since i was going to be busy doing lots of cool things :p right now i'm reading "at a loss for words" by diane schoemperlen. i love her books, she write in such a personal manner. she write such mundane details that just fascinate me. actually, i find her writing style very similar to my own. this book has no character names, much like a story i wrote for hatch once.

the food, along with everything else in iqaluit, is extremely expensive so i can barely afford dinner with the 25 dollar voucher they gave me.

after lunch i visited the nunavut legislature and an art gallery. i walked to one of the highest points on iqaluit to over look the city. as irony would have it, my walk coincided with watching the plane to pang take off. i watched it go, feeling remorseful, but after that brief moment i told myself "chin up and carry on". and i did. my favourite part of my walk was when i passed a house that had a polar bear skin drying on a stand in the driveway. i'm SO not in kingston anymore.

i've been taking a lot of photos and went to a little cafe called "fantasy palace" which beckie and i agree sounds like a strip club - but it isn't. i haven't taken any photos of my hotel room, i realized that i've been fortunate enough to stay in several nice hotels in recent years (usually on company dollar, but now also on first air's), and the novelty of it has worn off. i like these hotels and i'm very thankfully and i kind of like that i've grown so accustomed to these hotels that they feel comfortable and old-hat.

it feels funny being a minorty in canada, funny in a good way. i'm a little self-conscious of being a white girl, i'm clearly not from around here.

well i'm gonna head out to north-mart now and by some snacks for my evening in watching satellite tv in my room. all in all, this has not been my worst vacation, i'm enjoying this trip regardless of the mishap.

frobisher

my flight got further delayed yesterday, approximately 3 times. then when we finally boarded, we waited about 20 minutes before they announced that there was a mechanical problem with the left engine and the flight was cancelled, and we all had to disembark. i was obviously upset, but i tried to remain calm and not panic about the large sum of money i'd dropped on a non-refundable ticket. thankfully, they put me up for the night in ottawa in the best western victoria suites, paid for my dinner and my taxi from and to the airport, AND booked me on this morning's flight. SO after muchado, i am currently IN nunavut, IN iqaluit, IN the public library. AND in quite good spirits. i discovered thru this what a calm and laid back person i am. TRUE i very reactionary, but that's because i'm dramatic. BUT regardless of that, i'm pretty chilled and i go with the flow quite easily. i concluded that being upset or angry about it wasn't going to help anything, and they'd done their best to provide for my needs, which i really appreciated, and so i was going to make the most of it. besides, i'd rather have the flight cancelled than take off in a faulty plane.

plus, this is my year of doing things i've never done before, and i'd never had a flight cancelled before, so that's something to scratch off my list.

while i was at the airport yesterday i got a 10-minute manicure. i'd never had a manicure before. i got dark brown nail polish. i feel swanky (even though having dark nails kind of weirds me out). another first :)

so, now for the bad news... i'm on stand-by tomorrow (along with another 10 people), and stand-by on friday, but booked for saturday. SO i may be looking at another 3 days in iqaluit, and honestly, after going to the museum and the visitor's centre, i'm pretty sure i've done everything in town, so i'd REALLY like to get out of here tomorrow. i'd appreciate it if you guys could pray about that for me.

it's pretty beautiful here and i'm enjoying wearing my snowpants. as i walked along the sunny sidewalk i was smiling so much my face hurt. i'm pretty lucky to be here, and i know that. i'm going to enjoy my stay, i just hope it's not very long.

i feel like i'm in another country. it's cool.

earl grey

well... my flight has been delayed until early afternoon so we're not leaving for ottawa until tomorrow morning. we were all set, ready to go, when i decided to check my voicemail messages. i'm so glad i did because there was one from the airline telling me about the delay. i was a TINY bit disappointed because i was in go mode, but it's ok because i'm saving money by staying at home tonight and i like sleeping in my own bed. this sort of thing has happened to me a lot so i wasn't surprised. last time i went to the UK my flight was delayed 24 hours.

i haven't much to say really other than that, so i'm going to go to bed.

open your eyes,
put it in drive,
get on the road and just go.

indeed

before 8 am this morning, i'd done three things i'd never done before: 1) go to a sunrise easter service, 2) see the sunrise, 3) make coffee. i'd never made coffee before!?!?! and i did a good job! i had to ground the beans and everything!!!! :D

i originally didn't want to go to the sunrise service, i'm not a morning person and the thought of getting up, to be at murney's tower for 6:15 made me a little ill. however, i decided that when i look back i won't remember yet another sleep-in, but i will remember the sunrise easter service. i'm really glad i went, it was really phenomenal. chelsea and i spent yesterday baking for the after-service breakfast. i was the sou chef to her chefness. it was fun.

i head out tomorrow on yet another adventure. i'm really excited. adventure is good for my soul. i have to work in the day time, then my dad is giving me a drive to ottawa and i'll get a motel, then catch my flight early tuesday morning. i don't know if i'll blog while i'm away. i'll have internet access at beck's place, but i think i'll limit my computer usage and make the most of my time there, or at least make the most of my relaxation-time. i usually don't miss the internet while i'm away from it. besides, i'm taking 4 books that i want to read, some knitting and crocheting.

using google earth, i'd like to show you were i'm going.
first of all, on this image you'll notice beside greenland a red square, this indicates where i'm going.

lastly, this view is a close-up of beckie's town
(please note: this time of year, all the water – fjord –
is frozen so it'll be different than this image)
for actual photos, i'd like to refer you to the flickr account
of miss devious stares herself.

while i'm away basia bulat is coming to ktown. i'm very disappointed to be missing her show. if anyone of you go, could you please pick me up a copy of her cd? i'll pay you back.

even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear

heist

it was cold. we stood around in the park in the dark. we walked sometimes too. he tied a string to my finger to remind me that i'll forget. too often i forget. too quickly i forget. i hate that i forget, that i'm so temperamental.

i am not invisible. i am sometimes the darkness, but i am not unseen. i am known. each and every part of me. i forget this too. my brain is just so cluttered that the most basic and essential things get pushed out.

may i no longer be distracted.

you've been the only thing that's right in all i've done.

elvis

i had the most hilarious conversation with joelle last night (she's 4 and a half – keep this in mind). totally out of the blue....
joelle: auntie lesley.... why don't you marry granddad?
auntie lesley: hahaha, joelle, granddad is my dad. i can't marry my dad!
joelle: well.... who are you going to marry when you grow-up?
auntie lesley: i haven't decided yet. hahahaha
oh my goodness, that totally cracked me up. haha. she's clearly grasping SOME concepts of marriage, but doesn't fully understand it. my favourite part was the "when you grow-up" bit. i love that i don't seem like a grown-up to her, because i don't feel like one.

i'm a rubik's cube.

what time has taken,
passion has kept.

icy

well, in keeping with my year of doing things i've never done before, i went to taco bell for lunch. i'd never been there before. however, after doing so, i concluded that it was something i could've done without. BUT it's done nonetheless and now i know so i feel good about that. yay for doing new things!

i love keeping secrets. i can feel them in my mouth when i hold my tongue. it's extremely satisfying.

i've realized something. i'm a pretty typical youngest sibling, that's shaped me more than i knew. i'm a strong willed girl who learned to keep the peace by being compliant with her older and also strong willed sister. joy thanked me tonight for being so accommodating as a kid and apologized for being so bossy. i think having her always there to take care of me developed an expectation and desire to be taken care of. which is kind of a relief to understand about myself. it bothers me that it's such an uphill battle for me to take care of myself, but that's because i'm so not used to it! i was a tiny bit spoiled that way. i'm the youngest daughter, but in some senses i was the only child in a two parent family.

some things are better left unsaid,
but they still turn me inside out.

picture

i stayed home sick today. my stomach has been bothering me since yesterday afternoon and i felt on the verge of throwing up when my alarm went off. it's been a quiet day of knitting, watching the t.v. and reading my post secret book. late afternoon i decided i would watch elizabethtown. i love that movie. it made me smile a lot, i especially like the scenes of him in the car, because i totally do that. i used to hate being sick all alone, it felt weird and isolating, but not anymore, i've gotten used to it.

i did think of something to send in to post secret, but i'm not gonna. putting it in writing only makes it real and i want some day for it not to be. i'm not going to cement it into my life in that way. reading my post secret book made me realize something; it's not what we regret when we die that matters, because when we die nothing will matter. it's what we regret while we live that's important. and right now.... i regret nothing.

she finally understands what i've been feeling all these years. she saw it with her own eyes. in a way it's nice to be validated, but at the same time... it validates it, which is harder than believing it's all in my head.

i dreamt about crocheting last night. when i woke up i decided that after i knit my shrug (and possibly a pair of sox if i decide i just need an easy portable knitting project for the north), that i'm going to crochet something. perhaps an afghan. or what's another easy project?

those who risk... win.

robot

it's bittersweet.

ahhh! the count-down is on! i leave in one week today! i swear the arctic is going to melt as soon as i get there from all the hot pink. along with my hot pink long-johns, and my hot pint snow pants, frank has lent me a hot pink winter sleeping bag that belonged to his daughter and she only used twice. i'm really excited because beckie's suggested we go winter camping! and i've never been winter camping before. there is a good reason for that... i've never wanted to do it before, however i'm pretty much up for anything these days and i'm uber excited. i'm thinking about getting a big sheet of chart paper and sticking it up on my wall of things to do, then crossing them off as i complete them. nah, not really, but that would be funny to me. anyways, back to the winter camping topic... i have a really small bladder and i'm not exactly sure what a person does when she's camping in -40º weather and has to pee. well i guess i'll find out. i'm not one to shy away from a challenge, well at least i'm not usually. i'm pretty determined when i put my mind to something.

oh my goodness, i can't believe i'm excited about going someplace SO COLD! i'm excited about seeing beck too, that's definitely part of it. and the elation of not being at work.

i realized today that i haven't been tobogganing in 10 years. my parents still talk about the time when i almost died while sledding. "hey jan... do you remember the time...." haha. i remember that incident, but it's much different in my recollection.

i walked to the post-office this evening to mail out a copy of hatch. when i was there i laid the latest issue on the counter as i addressed the envelope. after i paid, i remembered that the guy who works at the post-office (the same guy who served me) was the poor owner of the car on fire on the cover of the winter edition. i hope he didn't recognize the photo! poor guy!

when my soul was in the lost-and-found
you came along to claim it.

lick

rach was telling us a story tonight at living room and someone, i don't remember who said "wow, he sounds very dramantic" i totally love that word! dramantic! it's excellent. i'm gonna stick that one in my pocket, it'll come in handy a lot. i'm a dramantic person for sure.

kate tells me i'm deranged. i just may be.

david was in town and i spent a very lovely (but short) afternoon with him. it was really nice to see him, it was the first opportunity since november, which is why he only gave me my birthday gift today. it's actually closer to his birthday than mine! he gave me a copy of the post secret book. which is awesome because he knows how much i love postcards and secrets :p i'm tempted to go read it in a nice relaxing bath, i wonder if i'd drop it in the water. i don't wanna take that chance. that's a picture of me and him if you haven't already figured that out.

sometimes i wish i had a confession to reveal on post secret but i just can't think of anything.

it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for,
we'll never find it, because it's not even there.

subtle teas

i accidentally vacuumed up a lighter.

i'm right in the middle. however, i don't think i fully grasp it.

while i sat in the goat this afternoon i was forced to listen to some young early 20s girls talking. it was distracting because they were loud, but i was astounded by what they were saying. i felt embarrassed for them. i was struck by how they seemed to truly believe what they were saying a new concept, completely original and everyone else is so stupid. even though i'm only about half a decade older than them, they seemed so young. i remember being that young, that bright-eyed, thinking i had everything figured out. the older people get the less they know – i'd like to see those girls in 5 years time.

i guess sometimes i forget.

i love the ginsu knives, i love the garden gnomes,
i love the way the people decorate their homes.
i love the ovens and the casseroles they bake,
i love the things that people make.

sharp

hot pink! everything is hot pink.

after going to several stores i managed to find the only and only pair of long-johns left in this city. the were only 3 dollars at giant tiger (score!) and they're hot pink (right on!). but... it doesn't end there... i proceeded to go to value village and found an awesome pair of hot pink snow pants! hurray! i'm so pleased. i'll be able to use them when i go skiing next year :( david can't do skiing this weekend, but he's going to be in town so i get to see him anyways, so i'm happy about that at least. oh well, my dreams of going skiing this annum have disintegrated, but that's ok because march will be a month of lots of cool & exciting things. like hot pink underclothes.

i think it's really funny that bowling balls are not permitted as carry-on luggage. but thankfully parachutes are. ref

you try making me wait,
but it feels alright as long as something's happening.

snowpants

it never occurred to me that my decisions that have been different to hers were perceived as a direct insult. i can't even fathom how she came to that conclusion. it's not that those choices aren't good enough for me, it's just that i'm different. i'm sad that she misunderstood me, but sometimes an apology just makes things worse. they can be more hurtful. i don't know how to mend the damage.

my mom, on the other hand, is more like me than she realized. we are in fact cut from the same cloth. we are souvenirs of the same experiences in a different order. i slipped and fell on the ice in front of her house. my laundry basket fell from my arms and my balled-up sox rolled all over the road. from her front window she watched me fall, and came out to help me. i skinned my knee. i scraped my hand. my mom helped put me back on my feet again in more ways than one.

whatever differences our lives have been
we together make a limb.

less

there's a lot to be done in the next two weeks. and i get overwhelmed easily. i cherished this evening as my only free night until next week when i'll get another before loads of more busy nights.

his thick american accent made it difficult to understand what he was saying. he made me blush repeatedly. i hate that.

i'm really hoping that they'll do away with daylight savings time. they don't have it in saskatchewan or cuba, so why not do away with it here too! on saturday night jo and i enjoyed a lovely evening at the butlers. i hadn't seen them since december, it was really great hanging out with them. i appreciate the open invitation to crash their place any time. i didn't get home until 1 am, which turned out to be 2 am. stupid changing the clocks. like really, is it actually necessary? we only did it for about 3 and a bit months, why bother.

some day i'll look back and think how incredibly young and stupid i am right now. and how i thought i was getting "so old".

i think i'm suffocating.

i might make it and when i do i might grow up a little bit.

vanishing

man, this day was all over the charts, but thankfully it ended on a good note.

i went to my second bored meeting tonight, this time i was the only girl because the others were away. i loved that at one point i got all chocked up in a room of 6 men and had to explain that i'm pmsing & really emotional right now. hahaha. they were really good about it, as i expected or i wouldn't have told them that. my display of estrogen definitely made up for the lack of other women. haha. however, i must admit something must be done about my pms prompted mood-swings. does anyone know of any kind of herbal teas or something that can help mitigate them? i'm not sure if they're more sever than other girls, but i'm a very emotionally charged person, i feel everything deeply and i'm usually quite impassioned, so i'm sure that plays a role in my pms.

i went to get my taxes done today. i love getting my taxes done, it's fun :) i really like my accountant, he kind of reminds me of harold from "the red green show". i've decided that i'm going to buy a dvd player with my some of my return. i do have a dvd player in my computer, but my bedroom set-up isn't very conducive to having guest for movie watching. and well even tho i don't like buying things i don't need but i can justify it when i've come into some money.

I'M GETTING REALLY EXCITED! i leave for vacation in 2 weeks today! kind of funny tho that the place i'm vacationing was -27º today :p

i got an email from a friend today that she'd sent to a bunch of people asking everyone to describe her in one word. it was kind of neat. i thought of doing it too, but instead, by way of this story, i'm asking you to post one word that describes me in the comments section. and in return i'll post one word for you! deal?

all you see is where else you could be.

charge

chivalry is not dead, it's just rare. and a girl cannot count on it being there when she needs some help. i hate shoveling. it's hard work for the best of them, but especially hard for me because i'm not very strong. i'm not a small girl, nor am i particularly delicate, but i'm not big and i'm not sturdy, which makes shoveling extra hard.

i didn't want to do it, but there are things i hate doing that have to get done and i need to be able to do it. i need to rise to the challenge and be equipped to take care of myself. i did manage to shovel my driveway all by myself. here's pic. unfortunately it's not as impressive as it actually was. although, my snow bank is higher than my car. i feel pretty proud of myself, and no doubt i'll feel sore tomorrow.

the other night after storytellers garry and todd offered to push my car out of the snow pile. i kept insisting that i didn't need their help, it must have been annoying and very snotty of me. i did appreciate the offer, but i need to be able to get out of those situations on my own. i guess i should have just told them that instead of declaring i was accepting their help against my will. man, it's scary when i think of the difference between my intent and my behaviour. i wish my mind was more transparent.

while i had my camera out i took this photo of my bruised arm. it doesn't look as awesome as it does in person, but i thought i'd just snap a picture anyway. there's some foreshortening going on here. i swear my arm is longer.

i'm torn between two train of thoughts. i'm so confused and i don't know where i'll land. am i more or less capable than i think i am? am i going to be ok or not? am i lonely or do i have too many people in my life? should i get housemates eventually or should i always live alone? should i cut my hair or keep growing it? i just don't know anything anymore. oh give me something i know unswervingly.

i'm really not a bad person.

i always lose in the end.

do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl.

chopper

i was chatting with rach today at michelle's pampered chef party about something i realized most people don't know/understand about me: i'm SHY!

i know most people don't realize this about me because for all appearances i don't seem to be shy, but i am. the thing is, i'm well practiced at social interaction. i can typically make conversation with just about anyone, i can talk an ear off any ole stranger, but it's not because it comes naturally to me. it's actually quite hard! i usually ramble when i feel most uncomfortable, it masks my insecurities. this can also give the wrong impression that i'm not shy.

shyness has and will remain to be one of my biggest hurdles. a lot of my past decision were made directly or indirectly because of it. part of me is afraid that i'll live in kingston my entire life because my last experience of moving away was so painful. don't get me wrong, i love kingston, but i don't want to live here only because i'm too shy to go some place else. there are so many things i wish i could go back and change, and i'm afraid i'll regret some of the decisions i'm currently making. i'm missing out on the things i want to be doing.

so when i'm weird, awkward, clumsy, tense, or inappropriate, if i skip out on social events or chicken out of activities, please excuse me. because i'm already feeling terrible about it.

my internet is wonky today. i think it's from the bad weather.

it's been a long long winter,
don't remember them this cold.

guacamole

i think perhaps i think too much.

there are things i want to say to you.

like.

i'm the worst pet-sitter ever. i feel especially guilty because rhonda gave me this really cool book for taking care of her dog.

i'm very excited because melissa asked me to make her another mixed cd :D

other stuff.

i'm trying to figure out who i am,
but there's no hand to hold.

akin

i feel frickin' fabulous.

i just returned from a fantastic walk around downtown, i'm pumped, i'm chilled, i'm flushed and it's great. i've gotta tell ya, this is amazing in contrast to the kind of day i was having about 4 hours ago. the knickers and i had our very first fight ever. needless to say it was a pretty crappy day. however, mid-afternoon i had to quickly run out to the guardhouse to drop something off and discovered what a marvelous day it was outside. i wished i'd gone walking at lunch time, and quickly decided i would walk this evening instead of ellipicating. and i'm so glad i did.

oh spring how i love thee. there's something utterly liberating about it. it makes me feel fresh and confident, sexy and invincible. i know this whether won't last, the forecast is calling for 25 to 30 cm of snow. but i will love it regardless, although it flirts with me ever so teasingly.

i think it's ironic that i'm so pumped by this spring-like day meanwhile i'm going to the artic in less than 3 weeks. that does seem quite peculiar. cold climate is definitely not my bag, but it's an experience of a life-time and i'm excited about high-tailing it outta here for some grand adventures.

i think my uber grotesque bruise is at it's peak right now. i have to say i quite enjoyed the reactions of my fellow storytellers last night when i pulled up my sleeve to show them. rachel's reaction of horror was especially amusing.

my plans for the rest of the evening involve me curled up reading my book. it's beginning to hook me and i'm looking forward to escaping into another world. i love that about books. sometimes i need that kind of distraction.

i look to you to see the truth.

domestic

i've been thinking about identity these days. self-identity. the elements that make up who i am. i've been especially thinking about parts of my identity that i'd like to break-ties with. things i no longer want to associate with me. sometimes it's hard to know what i acknowledge as myself and what things i've adopted from other people's perspective of me. i honestly don't know if i'll be able to disown all that i'd like to abandon. these things have a way of clinging to me against my will. all i know is that the time has come for me to shake off the things that so easily entangle me.

i am lesley. i am not categorized.

i think i ate too much for dinner. i'm still full and it's four hours later.

no more singing in the woods.
no more singing in the car.
no more singing in the streets.
no more singing in the bars.
no more singing in the yard.
no more singing in the park.

mullet

i'm very excited. tonight andrew, shannon and i went to donate blood together for the very first time! it was very amusing. i don't know if i laughed so much because i'd just given away a pint of my blood and was perhaps light-headed or because the situation was humourous. we had to fill in all this paperwork, the only question i was able to answer 'yes' to was "are you feeling well today?" the rest were all no's. it made me feel like i've lived a very boring life. however, i'm not complaining about not having hepatitis. we all agreed the question about the monkey was quite surprising.

i liked when the nurse flicked my finger to get a blood sample. it felt like she'd snapped it with an elastic band.

well, for several minutes there, it looked as though i was going to be a failed blood donor. they stuck me in the left arm and dug around for a couple minutes. i quickly caught on to the fact that there was something wrong (thankfully i couldn't really feel anything, but i knew it was a bad sign). basically they told me i had bad veins, which kind of surprised me because usually i'm pretty much textbook at everything medical. however my mom has bad veins, so the nurse figured i get that from her. by the time they tried my right arm an & shan were already done and waiting in the "cafe" eating cookies. in the end they managed to hook-in and drain me quite quickly. it wasn't at all as bad as i thought it was going to be. i imagined that it would feel like they were vacuuming the blood out of my arm. it doesn't feel like that at all. it doesn't really feel like anything at all. when they were done i said to the nurse "hm, there seems to be quite a large bump here, is that normal?" it turns out it isn't and they gave me some ice and lots of sympathy. apparently i'm going to be horribly bruised tomorrow. that's ok, i kind of like bruises, it'll be like a souvenir. i would definitely go again.

i was telling an & shan about how i want to branch out and stop just sitting on my ass expecting to do stuff down the road. if i want to experience life i need to do it now! i need to stop putting off until tomorrow what i can be doing today. that's partly why i'm excited that i donated blood tonight (aside from the obvious of helping save 3 people's lives), i'm happy that i did something new, something that scared me and it wasn't too bad. it was quite fulfilling.

may this be a year full of firsts and boldness.

we were gonna live it out.

intrepid

to my disappointment, my trip to pittsburgh got cancelled, or at least delayed. the vp we were going to have meetings with has to be in las vegas for contract negotiations so there's no point in going. oh well, it's not like i was super excited about going, i was actually annoyed about it interfering with my social life, and i didn't want to have to get up at 4 am to catch my flight. however, i was looking forward to at least feeling like i was DOING something with my time instead of the same-old same old. i fear the life unlived. i worry i won't be able to go skiing because i can't find anyone to go with. that upsets me because it's the story of my life. although d might come with me, but he wants to snowboard and i don't know if that'll work if i'm gonna ski. jo thinks it would, so maybe i shouldn't give up on that idea so quickly. i'm a little too fast to resign when facing difficulty. i don't have any ski clothes either. hm, this is getting overwhelming...

i think the secret to a good life is moderation. i'm still trying to get the hang of that, but when i listen to her speak it reeks of unbalance and it disturbs me. people who don't have a firm grasp on reality can be very convincing. it's easy to be swayed by them, to take on their outlook. i'm starting to realize that with certain people i need to filter what they say, and disregard the garbage. i stopped at joy's place to see liam on the way home tonight, i hadn't seen him since he was born. i had a good talk with her while i was there, and i left feeling so much better, she helped me regain perspective. liam's so little and has a super distinct nose, it's incredible, i've never seen a baby like that before. caleb seems huge compared to him. liam looks more like a mcknight baby i think.

do you ever find that you work for years to get to where you want to be and then when you arrive it makes you antsy being in one spot? that's how i get sometimes. i get restless. i've decided to allow myself the liberty of just doing what i want for the next little while. i won't burden myself with obligations, if i don't feel like vacuuming or doing dishes, i'm just not gonna do it. instead tonight i read my book. that was very enjoyable. it was very centering.

i've had enough of this thing for tonight. i'm gonna post this entry then shut down for the night. until tomorrow... stay fit and have fun.

surprises always help.

tongs

oh my goodness, i have this really good song stuck in my head and i can't for the life of me remember what song it is or who it's by. argh! i thought it was by the hot hot heat, but nope. i can only remember the first line, it's really annoying.

so i went to waterloo this weekend to go to melody's wedding shower and bachelorette party. i had a really good time. i'm glad i went and partly because it was nice doing something outside my normal world. i got a drive with her friend carolyn, she lives in belleville so i drove there then we went in her suv. it worked out really nicely and she's a really nice girl, we had no problems making conversation. i kind of like road-tripping with complete strangers. she's suggested i get a drive with them to the wedding too. at first i told her i wasn't sure because i was hoping to take someone as my date, but as i thought about it i can't see myself convincing my token gay friend to come as my date, and i think it's a little lame at this point to bring a girl-date, so i think i'll take carolyn up on the offer. it's not ideal, but it'll be fine. it fits with me embracing my circumstances and gives me a chance to overcome my complex.

one of melody's friends name is meredith leslie which is INCREDIBLY ironic because my name is lesley meredith. so trippy!

i don't go away for weekends very often, i think i'm kind of lazy, it's just easier staying at home. however, then i look back on my year to realize i haven't gone anywhere or done anything. this has got to change. in the car, carolyn and i got talking about skiing. i've never been. i would like to go skiing this winter, i need someone to come with me. anybody interested in tackling the bunny hills with me?!! i still have 3 weekends before i go to baffin, that's plenty of time. i also VOW that i'll go to montréal this summer. i've never been before and i think the time has come.

before i go to pittsburgh i need to invest with a decent manual toothbrush. i used a cheap, crappy one this weekend and now my gums hurt. i'm so pampered having an electric toothbrush.

i can't believe it's march already! wow.

God give me strength to bear this mighty freedom.

maybe

it is well with my soul.

thanks again. i forgot to tell you that i like the way you spell tonne.

i'm currently duking it out with my paperboy. i have a plaque on my mailbox that says "no flyers please". in recent months that plaque has been ignored and each week i take at least 3 newspapers out of my postbox and put it into the recycling bin. i've changed my strategy and now i'm being passive aggressive. i'm hoping by not removing the newspaper he'll eventually stop trying. so at this moment it's overflowing with newsprint. HA that'll teach him.

tomorrow i'm going on a road trip with a perfect stranger. i don't suppose it'll be as significant as the last time i traveled with someone i didn't know.

i really like that i never cease to come up with new ways to wear my hair. i find that exciting.

you know what would be gross? unshelled peanut m&m's. YUCK!

i'm late. i should go.

games that never amount
to more than they're meant
will play themselves out.

cultivate

i feel like i'm breathing fresh air. a huge burden has been lifted from me and i can move about in any which way.

i had a brief, yet valuable, conversation with bren yesteday. she reminded me that life doesn't happen in sequence, but instead it happens randomly and chaotically. i think she's right. i've been living with my life on hold and really there's no sense to that. it's not a game of dominos, it's more like a game of pick-up sticks.

i've concluded that the next best thing to someone making me a casserole is when someone comes to my house and makes me dinner. melissa did that for me tonight. i felt kind of guilty that i sat at the kitchen table with my feet up yakking away while she made a salad. she's so lovely.

i think my body is reacting badly to my new deodorant. hm. in unrelated news, my hair is looking fantastic today. it's so long and straight and flat and layered. i love it.

i have a new sense of newness and wholeness and oneness. i hope it stays. i'd love to start each day with the same sense of possibility and wonder. it's amazing.

it's not about what's wrong,
it's about what's right.

oops

life changes from day to day. it's really the only thing that's certain. however, one thing i can always count on is good friends. i decided this morning that i was going to need some good company tonight or else i'd start feeling sorry for myself. so i sent out an email to rally the troops. unfortunately, no one got the email until quite late in the day, although jordin, joanna, cas and chelsea did manage to make it. and i'm so glad. they all came bearing chocolate, ice cream, life savers, booze or inspirational magnets. it cheered my soul and lifted my heart. i'm so blessed to have such fantastic friends. i'm glad i choose to live my life so transparently, because everyone's there for me when i need them. i don't regret that.

your encouragement has meant a great deal to me. more than i can express. i am night and day.

the girls and i got talking about how boys always do way cool group events, while we girls never have people to do stuff with. it was so good for me to hear that they feel the same way, and declared that we should do stuff together more often! i'm even hoping to organize a girls camping trip this summer. heck, if the boys get to have a camping trip than why can't we!?!? then we had a group hug.

without a doubt, i get better with age. like a fine wine really.

raise your hopeful voice.

end

how is it possible for me to be everybody's favourite girl and yet so incredibly unlucky in love. it just doesn't make any sense. this strange contradiction makes me almost ill.

apparently i'm unlikable by men. guys just don't dig me. i'm undiggable.

what's wrong with me i wonder. perhaps i SHOULD become a nun, maybe it was my calling all along.

take this sinking boat and point it home.

lovely

does anyone else ever just feel compelled to do something? i wasted 45 minutes driving around ktown this evening trying to find a copy of "little women" because i felt an urge to watch it. totally random! i wish i hadn't wasted my time because i didn't find one :( one of these days my compulsions are going to get me into trouble.

marilyn brought me a box of cook books at work the other day. i guess a friend had given them to her and she picked what she wanted out of it and gave me the rest. there's one cook book that's looks particularly good. i think i'll go thru it and dog-ear all the recipes that interest me. there's another book that weirds me out a little, it's called "cook milk any flavour you'd like!" that's so bizarre! i'm sure i'd cook for myself more often if i didn't keep my fridge and cupboards borderline empty all the time. joy called tonight to thank me for the casserole i made them. they'd just finished it. i'm glad they appreciated it and yet still noted the irony that they'd just had a casserole i'd made and i was about to have some campbell's tomato soup for dinner.

as i talked with marilyn today i realized that the reason why i'm going on that business trip to pittsburgh next week is because they want to mentor me to advance in the company. she made some comment about me being there long after she retires. so i said to her "well you never know marilyn, hopefully i'll have kids someday and maybe i won't come back after that. i could really easily set up my own graphic design business". she seemed really surprised to hear this. it's as though it never occurred to her that i'd like to have kids eventually. i guess we've never talked about it before, i'm glad i said something because if nothing else it prepares them for that possibility down the road. partly why i decided to become a designer is so i could free-lance from home. i'm certain i could develop a fairly lucrative business, i already do a lot of probono work, so i'm sure i could get some paying customers thru word of mouth. but whatever, that's a long way down the road, in the mean time i'll take advantage of working for the man.

i can't believe it's after 9:30. i feel like i wasted my whole evening. i wish i'd found a copy of little women, at least i would be able to account for what i did this evening. i'm gonna go call little r, and drink some wine while i do some dishes (it has to get used up!). i'm feeling guilty about using my time so unwisely. although, i did do my workout so that's good, i felt like i had a little too much ass today :p

i don't know you,
but i want you all the more for that.

**********************************
addendum:
is a broken wine glass recyclable? because i just broke one while doing the dishes. my pinky finger is bleeding.

stitches

liam daniel olding was born at 9:20 am today.
he was 6 lb 12 oz.

i was there.

tim called at 6:52 to say that they were at the hospital and i'd better get my butt down there. i rushed as fast as i could and made it into her room on connell 5 by 7:20. she was 5 centimetres dilated. when i realized she was still only halfway and had another 5 centimetres to go i wished i brought my knitting. i had to leave the room when she got the epidural, that took about 20 minutes, then after that it was smooth sailing. we chatted about various things while tim made phone calls. i asked the nurse questions, tried to be helpful and stay out of the way. at about 8:50 while tim had gone to the cafeteria for a coffee, joy said to the nurse "i'm feeling a lot of pressure". pat the nurse checked her out and discovered she was now 10 centimetres dilated and ready for action. she took some time prepping everything, and joy began pushing at about 9:10. it went off without a hitch. text-book. fantastic. several of joy's friends and my mom were concerned about me being there, and joy's friend diane told her to keep me by her head. but i wasn't scared, disturbed by the blood or bothered by her nudity.

i loved that the tool used to break her water looks like a crochet hook.

i got to cut his umbilical cord.

several weeks ago someone asked me what i thought the name would be. i said i wasn't sure, then the name liam popped into my head. i told her "well, for some reason liam comes to mind, but nah, it probably won't be that. it was too popular a couple years back". i was shocked when she told me, i danced around and said "i guessed it was going to be liam!"

i have never felt as connected to my womanhood before in my life. i was utterly amazed by my own instincts. once he was out and lying on joy's belly, she and i just cooed at him for the next 45 minutes. amazed at his goopy beauty. i just wanted to look at him.

at one point when they were trying to get joy cleaned up, tim said "oh, did you want to get covered up because les is here?" and joy said "no, les has seen it all before". there is no shame between us. i'm amazed by the bond between my sister and i. this person i know as though she's my own self. sometimes i find myself looking at my fingers, or my elbows, searching for scars i was certain existed, until i remember; no those are joy's fingers, they're her scars.

i'm so honoured to have been at the birth of her son. to witness him emerging. to celebrate his arrival. i don't think i'll ever be the same again.

and i look at their babies,
and their tiny little hands,
and the way they get loved and the way they get loved.

memorial

oh my belly... i ate too many organic swedish berries.

guess what?!!? i bought boggle today. i woke up with an overwhelming urge to play it. historically, i haven't been much of a game person. i think it's because 95% of my friends are girls and we usually sit around knitting and chatting. but it's also that i'm not competitive at all, i don't care enough, it's just a game. however, i got thinking about my aversion to competition and realized something.... winning has never boded well for me. in the past when i've won at something (admittedly not very often because i really don't care about winning), the person i was playing against has made a big stink. i remember with one boyfriend, we'd played chess about 30 times, then i won and he refused to ever play with me again. same thing happened when we played tennis. that makes a person feel this |----| big. when i was in elementary school, if i ever got a C on a test or project i would just leave it on my desk, i didn't care if anyone saw it. but if i got an A i would flip it over because i didn't want the person who got a C to feel bad. i don't mind competitive people, i just wish they were mindful of their actions. making someone feel crappy for winning is a terrible thing to do. i hate sore losers, they ruin things and take the fun out of everything. i'm excited about boggle, i'm taking it to rhonda's tonight. this doubles my game collection! although, yatzhee doesn't belong to me, it's melinda's. man, i love prison-rules yatzhee.

i'm a wildflower. you're a wallflower.

everybody makes mistakes,
but i feel alright when i come undone.

wooden

i have this problem. i eat smart food compulsively. i had a friend once who would buy it for me all the time, i think he did it to please me when in truth i'd be like "oh crap" because it has this crazy power over me. i love and hate the smart food.

i try to be like you,
try to feel it like you do,
but without you it's no use;
i can't see what you see
when i look at the world.

don't ask. don't tell.

after the puking continued i had to take the honey to the vet. it turns out it was a result of her eating my desk plant. phew! if i had to put down another cat due to unfortunate incidents i would be rather distraught. so i'm having to take the plant to work instead of keeping it here at the pad.

i went to jase & rach's for the evening. they are one of my favourite couples. they're super individuals and an amazing couple :) i had a great time sitting on their floor couch and chatting the night away. jase found this hilarious website: http://www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com/ it totally cracks me up. just keep clicking on the text and it'll scroll thru several dozen different proclamations.

for my next project i'm going to knit a shrug. what's a shrug you ask?!? well, it's like a bodyless sweater. it just covers your arms and a portion of your back. i see myself wearing one with a tank top on mild summer evenings. anyways, i found a couple patterns online and i'm trying to decide between them. here's option one and option two. i'm leaning towards option two but haven't come to a final decision.

well, i'd have to say, all things considered, i'm a very thankful person. on the way to work today i was thinking about how grateful i am for my job. and i'm thankful for little stubs who's allowed herself to be my soundwall regarding the bored, and i'm glad that honey is not dying. and that my laundry lady did my last load for free because they lost my t-shirt last time. that doesn't make up for my missing shirt that i really liked, but it was a nice gesture.

i got out of the shower today and my face was bleeding. i don't know what i'd done to it, but there was a little cut on my cheekbone. i didn't tend to it, it left a mark all day. i really like it. i don't know why. i realize that's weird.

i've been writing long entries lately. sorry. considering i'm finding my life so boring lately i sure have a lot to say.

giving the chances to take it all in stride.

argh! you've GOT to be KIDDING ME! that's so unfair :(

secret decoder ring

puking cats make me nervous. to me, a puking cat = death. i'm worried because honey has been puking since last night before bed. i'm really hoping that there's nothing wrong, but i'm honestly a little scared. this morning i woke to the sound of her barfing on my bedroom floor at 4:45. i couldn't fall back to sleep. thankfully, my rude awakening made me realize i still had my contacts in. my day was tiring and i felt like ass all day because i only had 5 hours sleep. feeling tired makes me feel sad and i just didn't have any resilience.

i wore my glasses to work today. numerous people were commenting on them, apparently they'd never seen me in glasses before except, i HAVE worn them before. ferrence even said to me "what are those things on your face?". then he corrected himself and said "thing, why are they plural?". i told him because there are two glasses. he still argued with me. so i said "what about pants?? pants are plural". then i wondered why pants are plural and shirt is not. they've implemented a new dress code at work. i'm not particularly happy about that. secretly i kind of like being dressed up, but the frugal side of me doesn't like buying work clothes. so i resent this new standard. however, i do relish the fact that all those jean wearers finally got shut down. sweet justice.

a nice warm sunny spot in my day was when i arrived home to find a package in my mailbox from dawna. yay! she sent me a book called "the friday night knitting club". i got into some cozy clothes, tucked under a blanket and cracked it open almost immediately. THANKS DAWNA! your timing was impeccable. i'm gonna go read.

she said i look exactly the same as when i was 13, except only cooler.
he said i'm worth it.
i say i can do this. i hope.

what goes up has so far down to fall.

come

i'm having a difficult time distinguishing between fiction and non-fiction. what's real and what's my imagination? i'm so confused i don't know what's what anymore. then out of the blue i have my sister's exboyfriend giving me unsolicited advise and i want to say to him "listen, i don't recall asking you, or even talking to you in the last 14 years". just because i wear my life on my sleeve doesn't mean everyone gets to have an opinion about it.

today is the first ever family day (as you already know). the only thing i really wanted to do today was sleep in. i've been having a huge battle every morning getting out of bed, and have been looking forward to this weekend for that exact reason. when i finally pulled back my covers this morning it was around noon. i was awake for a little while before that, but i just enjoy lying in bed in a dozy state, paralyzed with comfort. i have to admit while i laid in bed i kind of felt sorry for myself that i don't have any special to do on this holiday in february. however, then i decided that what i need this time of year more than a vacation day is a mental health day. i seriously think anticipating this long weekend has been the exact reason why i haven't had a sick day yet this year.

although, i still felt a need for some company. and seeing as i'm a proactive person and find sitting around waiting incredibly painful, i decided to call joanna and see if she'd like to go out to a flick with me tonight.

joy's due to pop out the little mr at any moment. she's trying to occupy herself with school because she's anxious to get that kid out of her already. i would find that so difficult. that would make me crazy. i say in complete honesty, that i'm not controlling. i'm pretty sure others would agree, but i can't be sure (i know a lot of controlling people who claim that they're not). BUT i find facing something out of my control very very difficult. this is because i'm a very task oriented person, if something needs to be done, i like to just do it. i don't cope well with uncertainty. i can even deal with bad news better than no news.

with your feet in the air and your head on the ground,
try this trick and spin it around.

burnt

sometimes i'm amazed that i've known myself all my life and am still learning new things about me. i am not an organizer. meaning, i never think to organize events. and this bothers me, i'm disappointed, because i really like doing stuff and going places, and yet i'd have to lite a fire under myself if i was actually going to do it. i really like people who can come up with great fun ideas and execute them. i want more people like that in my life. don't get me wrong, i do have friends who are like that, but often our schedules conflict or they're busy doing their fun things with other people. i'm more of a go-along-with-other-peoples cool plans kind of person. i wonder if can change that about myself. i bet i could. once again i'm kind of lamenting the fact that i have very few friends in the same stage of life as me who can just drop everything to have grand adventures or even go with me to the goat on a sunday afternoon. but maybe it's not a matter of stage of life, maybe i just assume too often that no one is free.

i kind of wish i was more evasive. jason got me thinking today, he told me he thought i want everyone to know my business. hm. i wonder if that's true. it is in one sense, that i answer people honestly and i'm not very good at holding in my own business. but on the other hand, i want to be more secretive; to keep myself to myself. i haven't learned to be discreet, i'm legible, i'm translucent. you know? i guess that's just the facts. that's the way i am, so i guess instead of trying to change that, instead of "fixing" it, i'll just have to learn to pick my words more wisely instead of rambling and letting words come out of my mouth.

my ipod makes me strut.

sometimes in life you have to hope for the best.

banjo

my face is cold. my cheeks are rosy.

the things not said between us, add to our silence. i don't know why i didn't realize it before now, i don't know if it's possible for us to move past it. but i can't tell her, i won't.

as i stood at a concert at the artel tonight, i felt a wave of nostalgia. i don't know why, i don't know what. but it was there. i stood listening, and watching the people around me. aren't people fascinating? especially musicians. i don't think there's anything i get lost in the way a musician get's lost in her music. but maybe there is. a person tends not to realize when they're completely absorbed in something.

it seems to me that fear is a good sign.

after the concert i said goodnight to tracka and harry potter... err, i mean lyon (tim cut his hair and totally looks like harry. it's awesome!), and went down to the goat for an hour to read. i had my ipod with me and totally enjoyed my chilly stroll. i wasn't there long, only just settled at a table when i saw from the corner of my eye someone approaching. like a sixth sense, i knew what was coming... he hit on me. i politely told him that i was just there to read and wished him a nice evening. poor guy, i kind of felt sorry for him. he seemed really nervous (which was kind of peculiar because i don't think i've ever made anyone nervous before). but! one must give the guy some credit for being ballsy. good for him.

after i finished meticulously reading (i made for darn sure that i would get a lot of reading done, i didn't want to turn him down in order to read and then spend the next 45 minutes staring out the window), i got on my winter gear and headed home. i LOVED walking with my ipod, that was only my third time using it. it was GREAT! it makes walking so much more enjoyable. i danced my way up colborne street in the dark, holding my free soup from the goat in my left hand. good times. this is clearly the beginning of a beautiful relationship. my ipod and i get along like a house on fire.

now's my chance to find out who i am without a man.

fur coat

i spent my valentine's day evening baking a casserole for my pregnant sister. i'll freeze it, then they can re-heat it once she pops out the junior man. haha, it's odd to me that i'd even make mention of valentine's day because i'm really not a big celebrator. i don't like anything that obligates me. last year i made everyone valentine cards, but didn't this year. it's not that i don't love you girls this year, i just can't be bothered to give cards. maybe i'll make you some for easter or canada day. however, i think i'd prefer to remember the part of today when i went to melissa's house, ate some dessert and drank some wine.

i have to admit, i made that casserole begrudgingly. it bothers me that joy gets a casserole AND a baby, when i don't get either. but not to worry, no need to pity me, i'm sure i'll get my very own casserole some day. regardless, it's done and i'm glad that i did it, i'm happy to be helpful. and i must say, i think it'll turn out to be my best yet.

it's it funny how things work out. i could never have predicted.

jordin came by today to give me some buttons for my tea cozy. she also brought me some unwashed eggs straight from the chickens uterus. haha, do chickens even have uterus's?!?!

love...
it's like a hurricane;
it happens in florida,
it destroys everything.

bad kisser

oh my goodness, i'm feeling very rebellious. i have all this stuff i should be doing right now and i simply don't wanna. i need some fresh air. i need to clear my head.

i've concluded that i feel very naked without my cuffs and my rings. unfortunately, i've been wearing my cuffs since 2002 and the left one is getting a little worse for wear. i don't know what i'll do if it breaks all the way thru. i'll be utterly naked all the time. i don't even like the THOUGHT of that.

isn't the internet grand? my dear old friend ali located me via my blog. she's living in japan! i've been noticing a visitor from japan since last summer, but had no clue who it was. never in a million years would i have suspected it was her. i'm glad it is. i'm glad we've reconnected.

you know... i believe the right music can lift my spirits. i believe it's ok to fix my hair and put on make-up even when i'm spending the evening at home alone. i believe with time and enough effort i'll shed my few extra pounds. i believe your crush on a younger man is acceptable. i believe i may be one of the world's best kept secrets. i believe she's going to win that house. i believe in resigning. i believe in irony. i believe your trip to australia was life-altering. i believe in forgiveness. i believe i need to get this thing out of my house. i believe i've paid my dues. i believe this summer is going to be fabulous. i believe this fever hasn't yet broken. i believe valentines day is a crock.

love...
it's like a trailer park;
ugly but functional,
the rent is cheap enough.

integrity

there was a bit of a mix-up. these things happen. we arrived for the vagina monologues at 8:10, to discover that it actually started at 6:00. we thought it started at 8:30, hence our leisurely approach and our trip to the goat. it was really funny because we did catch the last two monologues, and as irony would have it we arrived in time to see the one and only one about orgasms. different kinds of orgasms actually. it was funny and yet awkward. shannon kept apologizing because she said that was the worst one. hahahaha, the whole thing is just so comical, that sort of thing would only happen to us. we've decided to plan to go together next year instead, in the meantime shannon's going to perform the all monologues for me and chelsea at a later time :p

yup, that's my ticket, and yup it DOES actually say doors open at 5, but.... i don't know. we thought it started at 8:30, so why would one look at the ticket! or something. i dunno.

shannon's lent me the book. i think i'll go get into my 'jammies and crack it open. i was going to wait until i finished my book on south africa, but i'm only half way thru and i'd like to make up for missing the show tonight.

chelsea helped me decide that since i'm not a 14-year-old boy in the 1990s, i should not wear the necklace i was given. that's what i suspected, but i just needed a second option. in truth, i prefer to choose my own accessories.

i can't find my purple t-shirt. i have a feeling that it disappeared at my laundromat. that's what i get for sending my clothes out. instead of my t-shirt it returned with two random sox that didn't belong to me. they're presently in my garbage can.

i really don't like it when people tell me things i already know as though i'm an idiot. please refrain from patronizing me.

OH, exciting news! i'm going on another business trip to pittsburgh! i'm going on either march 4 or march 5. i'm staying at a different hotel this time, there's no indoor pool but each king-size room comes with a whirlpool!! right on. haha, it's funny to me that i get a king-sized bed. i like to sleep sideways across it just because i can. anyway, this time i'm going to go up the duquesne incline. it's apparently it's the second most beautiful view in the usa. maybe, if she's good, i'll take the knickers with me.

love...
it's like a new born child,
seems interesting when it's young,
gets pedestrian after a while.

cochlear

well i'm back from my very first bored meeting (yes, i spelled that right, they call it the bored at next). it started at 6:30 and i got home around 10:20. the funny thing that according to the agenda, we should have been out of there by 7:30. however, i had a really good time. next is an interesting topic and something that's very close to my heart. PLUS, the other bored members are great and extremely entertaining. i wonder about my role on the bored. i wonder how much it will attach itself to me, or if it'll just feel like a sojourned assignment. i do feel a little more comfortable with my commitment after this first meeting. at one point i kind of looked around and thought, this is my first meeting of a three year term. this is the beginning of something.

i feel like i'm holding a poloroid picture, it's just barely beginning to develop. i've just got to wait and see what this picture is going to look like. i'm excited, i want to know, but i have to wait. these things take time.

i'm kind of jealous that you get to peak into my world.

love...
it's like an interstate.
it gets you from place to place,
but it's littered with dead raccoons.

subordinate

OH FOR PETE'S SAKE I'M SO SICK OF BEING MEDIOCRE!! @#%&

seriously, i'm so frustrated with myself. why can't i be good at something, i'm always just so bush-league, and it's really upsetting. i'm getting so tired of getting my ass kicked by everyone!

i finished my tea cozy. it looks awesome, i literary jumped around and squealed at how great it turned out. until... i got it home and discovered it's too tight. it doesn't fit properly on my tea pot. which defeats the purposes and i'm so frustrated!! oh.... (5 minutes later) i just stretched it out and apparently it's fine. alrighty, false alarm. regardless though, i do lament my mediocrity. please don't take this as a plea for compliments, because sometimes it makes it worse when people say "what are you talking about, you're a great knitter" when i know in truth i'm just average and a little sloppy. rachel tells me that mennonite's always include a flaw in their quilts as a reminder that we as humans are flawed. that's kind of refreshing. however, i don't do it on purpose.

here's a picture of me and koe-koe examining
my petit cozy and my medium size pot.

you know, what he said actually offended me to my very core. i can't believe anyone could be so unbelievably ignorant. like, how does he live in THE WORLD being that narrow-minded. nothing is black & white. it took all that is within me to not crawl across the table and shake him. it made me want to email d to tell him i love him just the way he is, but i know that would be suspicious, and i didn't want to explain it. i don't want to burden him with that crap.

i used to be that narrow-minded, until the facts of life pelted me and i developed a new vantage point. it's kind of nice, it's like i've been thru the fire, got a little banged up, but am now formed into something new and better.

for once i want to be the car crash,
not always just the traffic jam.

full

i really need your buttons. chop-chop people! i've finished my tea cozy and am all set to felt it at my homestead tomorrow. in the meantime i've started an ipod travel-case for when i go to baffin. i'm going to need to take my charger with me, and i want a little case to keep everything together. it's coming a lot very nicely considering i'm making the pattern up as i go.

it's almost 8 and the only thing i've eaten today is breakfast and some cookies. tracy came over this afternoon and i baked for her. it had a really lovely visit and i'm so happy she called. it was really great, we had a really good talk and it's left me with lots to ponder about. i've been thinking lately about the necessity to talk with people in different stages of life. i like how everyone has different perspectives and different life experiences. i have so much to learn from everyone, i have my own hurdles to overcome. i was telling tracy how tired i am of retelling the same life stories over and over. but i'm just lazy, i think i should just suck it up and accept that life is like that. there are no short-cuts, we don't come with prologues.

something always happens when you're away. i wonder what may happen this time. i don't think you should be allow to leave the continent, i always get myself into trouble. however, i'll try to behave. unlike last time, or the time before...

i should go. miss joanna is expecting me in the west-end where we'll spend the evening discussing politics and foreign affairs. haha, ok not exactly, but the foreign affairs part is true.

streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.

consonants and vowels

cp got a maid! A MAID! i'm so jealous. how awesome would that be!?!

i had to shovel today. and i concluded something... i was not made for physical labour. i'm such a weakling it's unbelievable. to make matters worse, i couldn't even twist open my tea ball this evening.

you may be on to something. i think i'll take your suggestion.

keep on fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end.

proof

exhale... i've just arrived home. i've been out all day. first, and most obviously, i was at work. second i was at my mom's for dinner. third i was at the hatch folding party. there was a great turn out tonight and we managed to fold, stuff and staple 500 copies. if you'd like one, please send me your request (and address if necessary). it's a gooder. next step is i have to take them to work and cut them all on the guillotine. THEN we're done. good stuff, good teamwork.

apparently the cat is out of the bag. it's rather embarrassing. does no one know how to play it cool!?!?! :p

i sat beside jay who talked my ear off the entire evening about his visits to a nudest resort. every time i thought the story was over and we'd all moved on to other topics, he'd gently direct my attention back to his nude escapades. it made me a little uncomfortable, there's only so many naked jay stories that i can handle. aside from my awkward shifting in my chair, i had a really good time, and laughed loudly outloud many times. you know the kind of laugh when you throw your head back and the cackle comes from deep in your throat. ah, it felt good.

my mom told me tonight that she and joy are taken a back by my confidence. i guess when i was talking to joy the other night i was telling her how great i am and she didn't know what to think. i laughed and said "oh come on mom! i say that kind of stuff tongue-in-cheek!". sure, i've been known to talk about how awesome i am, that i'm charming & adorable, or sexy as hell. but i'm not serious! if i say that kind of thing and the person i'm talking to starts to laugh i know they "get" it. if they don't, they've clearly missed the point. i'm the first person to criticize me, i have no false delusions. but i think i have a pretty good balance between loving myself and finding me incredibly annoying and frustrating. besides, i take credit for nothing.

i'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.

spaz

yay yay yay yay!! my ipod arrived today. i'm so excited. it's really little. i got yelsel engraved on the back. it's nice an simple, and undeniably mine. i'm listening to cut copy on it right now! i have it clipped to my painting overalls and i'm dancing around like i'm an ipod commerical. wow, i suddenly feel like such a yuppie!

i never love nobody fully,
always one foot on the ground.
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost in the sounds.
i hear in my mind all these voices,
i hear in my mind all these words.

with

i feel like my subliminal messages are lost on a world that's ignoring me.

sometimes it feels like the powers that be are stacking the cards against me. i'm constantly taunted. constantly teased. you'd think i'd be getting used to it by now, but no. i think it's worse each time, because i tend to think that ONE of these days my ship is going to come in. and with every new horizon i'm wonder if this is the last. it never is.

i dream of stuffing my ears with mini marshmallows and running far far away. i'm jaded from hearing the same thing rehashed over and over. i've heard it all so many times before that it feels like the words are slowly crushing me. it's making me claustrophobic. i know they mean well, but i just can't take it anymore.

i think my ipod may have arrived today. i discovered a fedex card in my stack of mail, but it was too late to run up division street to retrieve my package. i didn't notice it earlier because i got a postcard from my mom and an amusing envelop from mr al. so maybe tomorrow!! yay!

maybe i would have been something you'd be good at,
maybe you would have been something i'd be good at,
but now we'll never know.

kananaskis

rhonda and i were talking today about how no one blogs about mediocrity or the mundane. well i'm sure some people do, but i doubt many people read those ones. anyway, most people (myself included) talk about strong opinions, strong feelings, big events.

shannon and i are going to see the vagina monologues next tuesday. i'm really excited as is she. she's seen it three times already. shannon's this really adorable women's studies major; she's very passionate and it's infectious. i'm still just getting to know her, and i look forward to hanging out, but i thought the vagina monologues may interest others, so i wanted to put it out there if anyone is interested in joining us they're welcome. perhaps shan and i can go out for dinner before hand just the two of us.

my day started off a little crabby, but it improved thru the day and ended on a good note. i really enjoyed sitting around little r's dinning table with her and tebrake drinking tea and talking about life. it doesn't take much to satisfy me, i'm extremely grateful for all my friends.

i discovered that my hands are the same size of that of a 9 year old boy. when i say this, i don't just mean in length, i mean in finger size. i have unusually small fingers. compare my thumb to someone else's who's also 5'5" and mine looks tiny. it's like a miniature thumb!

i finished hatch this morning at 11 am, then took the files to church to give brandon. this issue was a little painful, but i'm still really proud of it. maybe even more so because it was so challenging. i can't wait to see it in print.

i want to run through the air with no barriers or obstacles.

lysol

on thursday night i was outted as a next church board member. yup it's true. it involved a lot of arm-twisting but i finally cried "uncle" and that was the end. i feel it was the high-five from matt that made it official. this is not sometimes i undertake with much enthusiasm. i find it scary and a lot of responsibility – not like everything is on my shoulders, it just makes me one of the bullseyes for blame. it's a three year term which blows my mind, i can't imagine the state of things in 2011. but, i should console myself, not a lot has changed in the last three years, and i don't suppose much will change in the next three years either. three years isn't a huge amount of time, and i always stay fundamentally the same. melinda tells me that being a board member makes me a woman. wow, ok. i guess that's alright, we can't ALL be little girls.

i was over at helen & terrences last night. i took a cab because the snow was so deep i got stuck pulling in my driveway. helen is obsessed with this one famous girl's live journal. we spent some time perusing it and found this. crazyness!

now that i've found the united kingdom i should get back to painting.

i have photographic evidence that we met in january 2006 at the grad club.

don't try too hard to think... don't think at all.