bumps, eyes and faces

a little while ago, i noticed that i had a white bump on my skin close to my left eye. it looked a little like a white head, but it didn't go away. i remembered that my old housemate used to have that, so didn't think much of it. then a few month later, another one appeared in a much more prominent place on my face, and i decided i wanted to do something about it.

after googling it, i found (not surprisingly) that it can be treated with tea tree oil. i've used that to treat other skin stuff, so this made sense to me. so i dabbed a little on each bump, but i found on the one closer to my eye, that the fumes from the oil agitated my eye, or maybe even seeped into it a little, so i decided not to treat that one. the other one disappeared in about 10 days :) it's been a little while now, and i decided i wanted to do something about the other one. so i started dabbing the q-tip to remove any excess tea tree oil before applying it to my face, and that helped keep it contained. i'm pleased that after about a week, i'm starting to see results. and what previously looked like a white head, has been diminished to a pink bump and i'm sure it will be gone in a few days.

tea tree oil is good stuff. it's super potent and mildly dangerous, but if used moderately or diluted, it's very useful!

adjusted

yesterday I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever. I'd never had a reason to go before, but my midwife recommended it. It can reduce the risk of C-section, and I'd really like to avoid a repeat. and since I have coverage through work, I thought I'd give it a go.

it was REALLY interesting. for my initial visit, I didn't get adjusted, but we just talked about my history. this is a chiropractor that specializes in prenatal care, so she was very knowledgeable about birth in Kingston and her clinic was filled with birth related stuff (baby name books, posters for the mother's circle, etc). I mentioned in my intake survey that I've been having lower back aches since September. and when we were chatting, I mentioned that my posture has been an issue for me. I stood up to show her how my butt slopes and before I said anything she said "wow, that's really tucked in there! we can do something about that".

I had to get into a gown and shorts. she mentioned that I needed to put my hair up, but I couldn't find an elastic in my bag and they didn't have a spare one available. so I put my toque on and tucked my hair up inside it. as I waited with my hat, gown, socks pulled up and pink slippers they provided, I thought I looked like an escaped hospital patient.

it was amazing really because when she looked at my back, she said "oh yes, there's a whole lot of posture stuff going on" and pointed out how my lower back was really compressed. she asked "do you have bad menstrual cramps?" I told her yes, and that my labour pains started in my back. She said "ah, that's probably why they thought your baby was posterior". how neat! it's all connected. it turns out that my right leg is shorter than my left leg, and it's actually slightly smaller (my calf muscles are more narrow). it turns out that my sister and dad also see a chiropractor because one leg is shorter than the other. so maybe it's genetic!

I'm looking forward to my first adjustment next week. I'm excited about getting help with my posture. it's also good to be reminded and motivated to correct it. once I bought this back support thing for my computer chair at work and still use it. our chairs are supposedly high-end ergonomic chairs, but I got this back support thing mostly to keep me sitting upright rather than slouching back, which is what I do without it.

I feel like this experience will be worth it, even if she finds my pelvis is fine (which was her initial impression). she also told me, that since I made it all the way to 10 cm and pushed for 4 hours last time, that this time, when I reach 10 cm, I'm going to feel a lot of trepidation and fear. she encouraged me to share those fears with my midwives and to face them. that's interesting insight, and a good possibility. I've kind of expected that to feel trepidation before that. I'm worried that there will be factors stopping me from reaching 10 cm. but when I finally get there, i'll feel like "ok... let's do this thing!". I've been told by many folks present (and even nancy who wasn't there, but heard nurses talking about me afterwards) that I'm a good pusher. and if I can do it based on instinct rather than from will-power (because of my interventions), I think i'll push even harder. so we'll see.

sever

on my drive home from work today, in my manual car, i suddenly remembered a dream i had last night that my feet were amputated. it was the weirdest timing, since i was using my feet a lot to drive – brake, clutch, gas. after i remembered i felt keenly aware of my feet. it was interesting, because in the dream i remember thinking about how they were there, and then after the surgery they were gone. i have no idea why they were amputated. that didn't seem to be part of it.

i'll have to look up what that means.

tunes

I've been complaining to Brendan lately that there's nothing good on the radio these days. cbc radio sonica, which I usually love, has been playing a stream of songs that don't interest me at all. they all blend together as the same bland song. except for one. I really like the new jim Bryson song, so when that comes on I perk up. however, I think I've concluded this is a good thing. when I was pregnant, I listened to 'of monsters and men' a lot in my first trimester, and ever since, whenever I hear them, I feel nauseous. so at least no good music has been ruined for me this time. but it would really nice to listen to a bunch of good songs.

funnily enough, when I drove home during a white-out a few weeks ago, the radio was playing hit after hit. that was the best part of that drive home. it made it manageable. music goes a long way with making me feel invigorated. I need that right now.

sweetest

brendan is pretty good at responding when I'm gagging and about to throw up. unfortunately, he learned the hard way that I will barf all over the floor if I don't have a bucket. usually a glass of water really helps my barf-impulse to pass, and he will bring me one when I need it. a few weeks ago, I threw up because I changed eamon's poopy diaper while Brendan was out (since them I have to cover my face with a shirt). eamon followed me to the washroom, and stood behind me as I heaved into the toilet saying "water, momma? water?" I thought that was very sweet, but said "it's ok, buddy, it's ok". once I was done and started to get my bearings again, I found that he'd brought me my cup of tea from the kitchen table and left it on the bathroom sink.

quotes

I barfed up all my breakfast before I left for work this morning. so I had a second breakfast when I arrived. I'm looking forward to this being behind me. I'm sure Brendan is too :p

I've been busy landlording lately - planning renos and arranging service calls. I really enjoy it. I think it's because there's a creative element to figuring out such things, as well as a challenge to working out logistics, etc. it helps that we have good tenants, and the funds to do such upgrades. that's one advantage to not getting laid off.

up and running

well, after nearly three months... I FINALLY got my design software reinstalled on my computer. it has been a HUGE pain. this is the kind of thing I would have a nightmare about - being made to work even though my employer wipes my computer and neglects to keep my work tools. argh!

I'm just glad that it's resolved.

one of the most annoying things about it, is that no one said "we're so sorry. obviously we made a mistake". an apology and empathy goes a long way to making me feel better. I'm surprised at the number of people who don't offer that olive branch. I know it doesn't fix anything, but it's comforting and re-instills trust.

beginning and ending

well... i'm happy to say that my weeks of sickness and exhaustion is the result of a little bouncing baby. we had an ultrasound this morning, which confirmed my positive pregnancy test. the baby is 6 cm big, and appears to be perfectly formed :) at one point, with the 4D view, it looked like the baby was dancing! it was very neat, and it got a little tear-eyed. partly from joy, and partly from relief. seeing that little baby made all my nausea and barfing worth it.

so now all I need is to find out if I'm getting laid off or not. if i do, that's fine. I'd get a severance package up until the start of my mat leave. and I'd really enjoy spending my time parenting and volunteering. but that might not happen. so if not, hopefully they'd slot me into a spot that i like for the next 6 months.

february feeling

lately i feel like i've lost a bit of my sense of self. by the time evening comes, i'm not sure what to do with myself. it's like i've forgotten what i used to do with my spare time. i've been so sick and so tired lately, that i've been going to be really early since the beginning of january. that's my new normal. it's just weird to me because when i find myself with free time, i feel at loose ends, and i just stand around wondering what to do with myself. that sort of thing has only happened to me after big life changes. so it's odd that i'm experiencing it now. i suspect that winter is part of it. i feel cooped up indoors a lot, and have little energy or ability to try anything different. even my latest crochet project has been a bit of a flop. geez, as i see this in writing, it seems like i'm depressed, but i'm not.

weather weather

well, that was a harrowing drive into work this morning. after friday's drive home in a white out, I thought the drive in today would be easy. it wasn't. I don't really know why I put myself through that white-knuckling drive. I'm glad we have snow tires though. but I miss our 4-wheel drive that we had in the crv. but I stayed on the road, which is more than others can say.

things are still up in the air. I should hear in the next week or two if I have a job or not. it's hard to stay engaged in the meantime.

pitas

my dad babysat for me last night so I could go to the ash wednesday service at next. it's been long in coming, but he and eamon are really starting to bond. it's really lovely to see eamon laugh and squeal and run around in excitement when he sees granddad arrive out front. it's lovely seeing them read together, watch youtube videos of fleetwood mac and the eagels, and hug good night.

i remember when joelle was a little toddler, she couldn't say "granddad" and it just came out as "dad!". eamon does that too.

it's really nice for both of them to connect, and in turn it's nice for me to see.

it's a waiting game

after an announcement yesterday, i'm currently waiting to find out if i'm getting laid off as a result of restructuring.

i'll keep you posted...

(i'm not worried either way, whatever will be will be)

henna patterns

i'm generally pretty reluctant to jump on bandwagons with trends. i dunno. i think it comes down to checking my motives, and if it's just because i feel pulled to join the crowd then i try to steer clear. but yesterday, i bought myself an adult colouring book. it felt like a funny thing to buy myself, which is why it took so long for me to do it. BUT not only did i enjoy colouring as a kid, i basically coloured my way through college with draft layouts, etc. so this hobby actually fits with me as an individual pretty well.

in college, we were given a list of supplies that we would need to get at wallacks. it included this expensive box of pencil crayons. after a semester or two, it became clear that they were crappy penceil crayons, they would break really easily and the colour of the lead did not match the colour of paint on the outside. so i got a less expensive set, which served me much better. unfortunately, i can't find my cheap set, and have been stuck with the expensive ones that are less good.

i'm finding it a bit annoying that once i colour a shape, i can't change it to another colour if i don't like how it looks. in illustrator, i can change the colour an endless amount of time. so i'm going to have to think it through a bit more thoroughly than i did initially.

stuff I'm objectively good at

I had my yearly evaluation the other day. it went very well. I must say, that despite how I feel or what i'm experiencing in life at any given time, I know that I'm good at my job. and I like that. I like having things that I know I can depend on doing well.

I have a few guarantees...

1) i'm good at tracing stuff in adobe illustrator

2) in super mario bros 3, i'm good at stomping on the koopa in the castle

these are the things I can do well, confidently with peace of mind. they might not be the most practical (well, the illustrator thing is a good skill for a graphic designer, but it doesn't give me much cred outside that sphere). pretty much everything else I do, i have to hope for the best. generally, life is a crap shoot for me. i know this, and I'm pretty well adjusted about it.

BUT consistently exceeding expectations as an employee is good. it's nice to have that to depend on.

early night

last night, brendan and i went to bed at around 8:45. we got in from an evening at b's mom's place, put eamon to bed, collapsed on our bed, then decided to just given in to sleep. i woke up well rested, but i also woke several times in the night. apparently my body thought it was just a nap. early nights have definitely been part of my winter this year.

artificial ice

despite the unseasonably warm weather yesterday, we three lorimers went skating yesterday. both eamon and I got skates for Christmas and we were keen to try them out. brendan doesn't currently have skates, but that worked out fine, because he was able to support eamon as they circled the rink.

its been a while since I went skating. the last time was 5 years ago, then before, that it was 5 years ago, and then before that... I was probably a teenagers. I definitely found that ice skating is not like riding a bike. it doesn't come back as naturally, and makes one feel rather vulnerable. my ankles really hurt! I've concluded that either I'm extremely rusty, or I was never as good a skater as I thought I was. I think it's just that I'm rusty. it's not that I was a great skater, but I was a comfortable skater. when I was growing up, our backyard would flood and freeze naturally and we'd be out there skating all the time. it was really fun. I like the idea of a backyard skating rink, but I prefer it to happen naturally with no effort on my part :p

eamon seemed to enjoy himself. at this point, I wouldn't say he's a natural, but it's probably too early to determine that sort of thing. he was the littlest skater there. I was glad when the Zamboni came and did its thing, since eamon's never seen one of those in real life, yet there are a few in his "current" (he's on his second) hockey book from the library. he was a little frightened by it - he doesn't like loud, aggressive things, and zambonies can have an intimidating presence for a 2.5 year old.

lows and highs

I've been pretty sick all week. I worked half days on Tuesday and Wednesday, then had all of Thursday off.

(my new computer browser keeps auto-correcting my lowercase letters. so annoying!)

when I woke up today, I was feeling much better and was almost pumped to go into work. but my sensitive stomach got jarred by a speed bump just blocks from my house, and I ended up vomiting out my car door. since then, I feel worse again.

I was a little worried about solo-parenting last night while Brendan was working. but, I was pleasantly surprised by how cuddly eamon was last night, and I enjoyed just sitting close and chatting with him. so in the end, not only did we manage, but we had some quality time together :)

winter sux

I'm coming down with a cold. I haven't had a cold in a long while. I actually can't remember the last one I had. it's kind of crappy timing, because I'm so tired, and Brendan's working evenings all week (thankfully he didn't yesterday, so he took care of eamon while I laid around).

I miss summer. I miss hanging out in our backyard and taking eamon to the park. we'd walk across the field in our barefeet and play in the sand. instead I've been feeling really cooped up in the evening, and I don't feel creative enough to come up with something interesting to do indoors.

i got a date!

yay! i knew i had this thing for a reason :)

i need a date...

deathcab for cutie is coming to the K-ROCK centre in march. brendan doesn't want to go.

now, i know that they're not a great live band because they sound the same as their albums. but it would be a fun outing, and i like their music, so i don't mind just hangout out for the evening listening to their songs.

does anyone want to go with me? the tickets are very reasonably priced (for an arena) and since it's not at a bar we'll be home by 10 (11 at the latest).

oh, and metric is opening for them. granted, i've seen metric a buttload of times, so that's not a huge drawing card for me, maybe that's some added incentive for you?

http://www.rogersk-rockcentre.com/event/metric-death-cab-for-cutie-the-lights-on-the-horizon-tour/

voluntary windy winter walks

yesterday I was feeling super crumby because of the weather, but things are looking up!

both yesterday and today I went outside for a lunchtime walk in the minus 20 and 23 temperature. there is almost no shelter at my office, since it's this wide open space and the wind blows right through from the lake. but I was bundled up and sometimes i shielded my forehead with my mitten. it was mostly super cold when walking into the wind, walking away wasn't so bad. I'm actually really proud of myself and it makes me feel good (both physically from getting the exercise and fresh air, AND mentally). I'm going to try to keep it up. yesterday was beautiful, the sky was bright blue and the snow was so crisp and white. it was very picturesque. today, not so much, but I mostly walked with my face down anyway. it made me consider getting a balaclava.

thoughts on breakfast, continued...

you know how I was trying to change my breakfast habits? well, I've had some success.

while I've settled into eating the same thing every day once again, I'm ok with that. I don't need variety in the morning. I just need something I like that I can depend on.

I've started eating grapefruit with half a piece of toast with jam. I used to eat grapefruit for breakfast, and I don't really know why I stopped! I like grapefruit! yesterday I tracked down a grapefruit spoon. it didn't work super well. I think i'll still need to pre-cut it with a knife, but I think it would work well with that minor adjustment.

winter reset

the weather is really affecting me negatively right now. I feel very un-invigorated and blasé. as a result, I've decided to take a break from screens for the week. I feel like that will help me reconnect with my creative self and find interesting alternative things to do.

a complete screen detox isn't possible since I work on a computer at work, but that will be my only screen time. at home I will be screen free. and even then, I think i'll avoid checking the news or twitter. I feel over saturated by media, and I need to have some breathing room.

yesterday was nice. I worked on my puzzle and listened to cbc all afternoon. it was good and I liked learning new things through the interviews.

today is officially 'blue monday' because people are feeling most impacted by the weather, and their new year's resolutions are slipping. thankfully, I feel my new years resolutions are still on track, and I'm enjoying the positive benefits they are bringing to my life. it's just the dark and the cold that's getting to me. ugh!

in the news

i don't want to jump on the david bowie bandwagon, with everyone commemorating him. but I will say this...

i wouldn't say i considered myself a fan, but i also wasn't not a fan. i liked several of his songs, but didn't know enough of his repertoire to claim the title of a fan. he was an interesting person. i didn't really like the movie labyrinth. BUT, the thing that amazes me about him, is that despite being social weirdo - pushing boundaries that had never been pushed before in pop culture - he is a well-loved and respected musician.

basically, i think he was just super ahead of his time. this is a guy who is just two years younger than my parents, but couldn't be more different to them.

ALSO, nowadays the internet steals many of the "gasp! WHAT?!?!" moments. it's rare to hear things through the grapevine rather than on a computer screen. to date, I've had two good, "WHAT?!?!" moments with Brendan. 1) when i told that jian was fired from the cbc. 2) when david bowie died. b asked "WHAT!?!" about 3 or 4 times before it registered. that was quite satisfying.

connected!

you know... sometimes it's just the small wins.

today i figured out the way around the firewall and can now access twitter and music.cbc.ca at work again!

oh man, i can't tell you what a difference this makes. it's a real game-changer for me. a mental life-saver. both help me feel connected to the world outside the walls of my office. 

i'm so relieved.

i woke up with a sliver in the palm of my hand this morning.

i definitely didn't have it when i went to bed last night. 

SO STRANGE!

it's still there. i can't get it out. my hand is all red and swollen around it.

sticks and pucks

one thing's for certain, kids are not tiny replicas of their parents. 

i know this from first-hand experience (as a kid of a parent), and i know this from observing other parents and kids. so i prepared myself when i was pregnant with eamon, that there was going to be things we differ on. things he'll like that i don't like, opinions and beliefs that he'll have that i don't share. but i always hoped that i would show an interest in his interest and encourage dialogue and room for him to grow beyond my frame of reference.

at 30 months old, this is already starting to happen. whether it is the influence of extended family, or his own independence, but my son has discovered hockey. 

this is extremely strange to me. i did not grow up in a family that watched or liked hockey. i also have never dated a guy who was into hockey and i didn't marry one either. as a complete outsider to the world of hockey, it seems to me that people who like hockey are crazy about it. and that's not something i can understand. that said, i'm sure that there are plenty of people who are moderate in their enjoyment of hockey, they're just less vocal about it then the ones who are hockey-obsessed. 

so this week, i tried to take the high road when allowing eamon to get a book about hockey from the library. hearing him say the words "my hockey" over and over does rub me the wrong way, but that's only because i fear a hockey-obsession. part of me worries (probably like lots of parents over different interests) that if i humour a small interest in this sport, that it will become a life-long vice instead of a light-hearted past-time. 

but in the spirit of letting him be his own person, and trying to be open to the things he will introduce me to, i will try to embrace this interest. it helps that he's also been obsessed with dogs, trucks and buses lately, which probably won't carry over to adulthood. so i need to lighten up and just let him have fun :) fingers crossed it will stay fun and not become a painstaking irrational devotion. 

morning foods

i've decided to get more creative about breakfasts.

when i went back to work in 2014, i decided that i'd get creative with my lunches, and i think it's fair to say that has been a success. unlike in the past, i have not been eating the same thing every day, i haven't just been eating leftovers, and i haven't found my food boring.

breakfast poses a unique challenge – preparing something when i'm tired and rushed. in the past, it was always cereal or toast, for a while there it was just a rice cake. i tried googling ideas for quick, healthy breakfasts, but nothing appealed to me. i've found i don't have the right kind of blender to make good smoothies.

this morning i had a hard boiled egg (pre-boiled yesterday), slices of tomato and a slice of challah bread, which i was pleased with. the only downer was eamon had a melt down yelling "egg, egg!" until i ate it all and there was nothing left to share with him. next time i'll just have to boil more so he can have one too.

i should try to brainstorm tomorrow's breakfast or i'll probably have the same-old, same-old.

i'm not thrilled about going back to work tomorrow. it would help if my computer crisis was corrected, but i don't imagine it will be. but i'm going to try my best to not be miserable or tried.

resolve

well... moving ahead without my AWOL year-end blog entry....

i'm pretty pumped about 2016. i feel ready for change, and feel like it's time for changes in my life. i want to start doing all those things that make me feel better having done them. things that each day, when i crawl into bed, i think about how i didn't do those things yet again, and then feel frustrated with myself. if i want to do them, i should just do them! so i will.

in keeping with that, my new year's resolution is 'completing 1-minute tasks'. anything that will take less than 1 minute to do, should just be done. stuff like putting dishes in the dishwasher instead of on the counter, putting my clothes away after wearing them, stuff like that. i am ridiculously bad at not following through with such tasks.

i've also purchased a better exercise bike, that should arrive on monday. my goal is not necessarily to lose weight, although that would be nice, but to adopt a regular exercise routine that i will do for the rest of my life. i learned to floss every day, so why not exercise regularly? i always wish i did! interestingly enough, 10 days away from work and i'm already eating better. i was eating well when i was on mat leave, but clearly those practices did not last. there's something about work that causes me to eat out of boredom. so i want to fight that habit. no doubt eating better and exercising more will help me feel more comfortable in my body. i would like to be fit, not thin; strong, not skinny. i think i was that earlier this year, but since i haven't been cycling at lunch, i've really gotten soft.

so basically, this is a year about making better choices for myself. and learning to follow through.

what the what?!?

so i just realized that the big, long year-end blog entry that i wrote yesterday did not get published and i can't find it in the drafts either, so i'm SUPER ANNOYED! i wasn't initially in the mood for being reflective, but i decided to get my head in the game, and ended up being really happy with what i wrote. ARGH!

BOOOOOOOOOO

maybe i'll try to re-write it later.

SUCKS!

name game

i've had the last name lorimer for 5.5 years, and have recently been told by my husband that i say it wrong. i'm sure that we had a conversation years ago in which we agreed that we don't pronounce the 'i'. i took that to mean that we drop the 'i', but it turns out that he meant it's more of an 'aw' sound than an "ee" sound.

lo-ra-mur

1000 pieces

my sister gave me a puzzle of a painting of toronto island for christmas. i used to do puzzles a lot, but i haven't have space for puzzles in the last 4 years, since we didn't have a kitchen table. so i was delighted to have the chance to work on a puzzle again. at first i felt a little rusty, it was a busy puzzle and i wasn't sure where to take it after i did the border. but i got back into the swing of things, and was delighted that brendan and beckie both joined me with puzzling. it's really relaxing to do something peaceful and slow-paced to work on whenever we have a chance. we started it on saturday, and finished it this afternoon. so i guess i'll need to get a new one tomorrow!

it feels a little nerdy to be excited about puzzles. but surprisingly, it felt really good. i think partly because my christmas vacations since eamon have not been as restful as they once were, but this gave me that sense of rest, hermiting and creative problem-solving that i enjoy about my 10-day break from work.

self-preservation

brendan and i had some conflict on the weekend about parking in an arby's parking lot when there wasn't room in the starbucks we were going to.

he wanted to park there. and i REALLY REALLY didn't. especially when i saw the sign specifically stating that the parking lot was only for arby's customers.

when trying to explain my distress about it later, i said "i'm a worse-case scenario thinker", but this isn't exactly true. often times, i can't imagine how things could possibly go wrong, and then find out when things go wrong :p i'm not someone who assumes the worst about everything. instead, it's more accurate to say i am not a risk-taker – at all. i don't park in places i'm not supposed to, i don't let my kid stand inside shopping carts, and i don't call-in-sick to play hookie. if i perceive a chance that something might go wrong, i don't do it. life is full of enough unfortunate incidents that i try at least avoid all avoidable heartache. i can do without getting my car towed, having my kid injured from a fall, and damaging my professional reputation.

obviously, danger is a reality in life. i don't avoid all danger or else it would be impossible to live. but i suppose i view danger and risk as two different issues. and i guess for me, risk involves a element of choice. i remember watching a ted talk once where the woman talked about regret. she mentioned how regret often results from a small decision that could've gone either way – when simply making the alternate decision could have produced a different, more positive result. that's what that impulse is for me ultimately: a quick diagnostic of how much i might regret my decisions.

i don't gamble with what's important to me – my time, my loved ones, my integrity, my heart.

delayed

it's funny. i woke pretty early this morning (as i often do since my body is used to waking before sunrise), and i felt excited. i guess the enthusiasm for a new beginning just waited until the beginning actually started. it's nice getting a clean slate each year, and wondering what will happen over the next 12 months :)

going and coming back again

i spent some time this afternoon reflecting on turning 36; and found my conclusion troublesome.

i'm not sure if it's my stage of life, or if its the age of 36 specifically, but i feel that i lack a certain enthusiasm that i felt in the past at birthdays. not about getting older, but i always felt hope and optimism about the year to come. i had a sense of forward-moving momentum, that i was growing and developing as a person. while 35 was a year of big events and life changes, i don't necessarily equate this year with a time of character growth. and i'm left wondering if there's something wrong with me, or does character development even out as one gets older, or is it just that my focus has shifted and my concern is more for eamon's development than my own. i'm not unhappy, if anything i feel quite content. i guess i just miss that enthusiasm a little bit.

my reflections also led me to think about this...

i don't dislike change. it's usually something i welcome. i do struggle with uncertainty, with varying levels of anxiety depending on the circumstances and my state of mind at the time. i've known this for a while. it seems common among children of divorce. it's funny because from the time my dad left to the time my sister got married, everything stayed pretty much the same. and yet, i just couldn't get comfortable because some figurative door was left open. it wasn't until my late twenties that i felt settled and the door was shut. anyway, i've noticed something new related to that. i like the peace of gentle familiarity. it's like with a kid, who does better when they have a bedtime routine because they know what's coming next. deep down, i like a consistent pattern to life. not a daily routine, but more of an annual routine.

i wonder if that's why i feel troubled – because part of my consistent life pattern involves deep introspection and personal growth, and my current state is a departure from that. one thing i have learned since the summer is the importance of thinking on the present rather than the future. let's be honest, i've spent a lot of my life anticipating the future. it's probably time to be fully present, especially with a toddler.

well, here's to 35. it's been a good year. perhaps at 36 i will learn to be introspective AND live in the present :)

wet pants

our house has been a little chaotic lately, especially after i was so lazy over the weekend. so i'm very pleased that i mustered my whatevers and i actually got stuff under control. except for our bedroom, but maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

i'm only going to be 35 for a few more days. getting is older is a bit weird. i don't know about you, but as a kid it was impossible to imagine being anything other than young. part of me thinks i got so used to it that it makes aging difficult. not that i have a problem with aging, but simply that it's a gradual change that i wasn't really prepared for.

sparkles everywhere

last night i started to doze on the couch at 7:30 and that was it for the rest of the night. brendan came and told me around 10:30 that he was going to bed, so i stopped by the bathroom to take out my contacts, then crawled into bed. 

i don't know what was up with me yesterday, i just wanted to sleep sleep sleep! 

this morning when eamon woke up at 5:45, i'd already been sleeping 10 hours, so i was ready to get up too! with our spare early morning hours, we made our second attempt at a craft gift for my niece, and effectively failed AGAIN! i'll have to run out later today for more supplies to try for a third time. part of me wants to give up, but the other part of me thinks it will justify my previous two attempts if i can get it right eventually. 

work-home

it's been an interesting week. i've been forced to work from home due to a computer issue. i've found there are pros and cons to working from home.

pros:

• being able to sing out loud with the music i'm listening to

• being alone in an empty house rather than being alone in a crowd

• watching netflix at lunch

• napping at lunch

• baking at lunch

• quick trip to pick up brendan and eamon after work

cons:

• not having everything i need from my work computer

• not being available for meetings with colleagues

• having work infiltrate my personal space

• feeling tempted to do non-work related things

i'm hoping my computer issues will be resolved in the next week. but in the meantime, i will enjoy this casual transition into my christmas holidays :)

restored

after a week of feeling unmotivated, i've recovered my regular energy level and enjoyed puttering around our house this weekend. i rearranged a few things in our living room, and unpacked a few boxes i had stacked in the corner. with these slight modifications, i'm super pumped and find that the appeal and comfort of that room has increased.

this year, we got an advent candle holder, made by andrew, to do a weekly advent thing at home. we've been singing christmas carols together as part of the activity, which i've really been enjoying. brendan seems slightly less pumped than i am about the sing-a-long, but it's less novel for him, since he can sing and play whatever song he wants, when he wants. 

i received my norwex products yesterday. i thought i'd just try out the eco-cloth and ended up cleaning the whole bathroom. i have to admit, i was quite impressed. it is super easy to use, because i don't have to stop to spray everything. i've never found that spraying was time-consuming, but it is much faster to just wipe. i found i cleaned more thoroughly since i was on a roll and it was just so easy! it got me looking forward to hosting a party in the new year. 

brace

i know that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. and i know my desire to flee the latest drama at work is just my fantasy that life would be better if this or that happened. but i can't live my life chasing green grass. i guess sometimes we just have to face our weeds and brown patches and do our best to cultivate greener grass. 

autumn blahs

i'm currently under-motivated. i've gone from being super motivated to stay on top of household chores, to sitting on my butt watching too much netflix. to be fair, have been knitting a christmas present, but still.

on the brightside, i did get snowtires on my car today, which i have never done before in the 17 years that i've owned my own car. for some reason, i thought it would only take a half hour, but was told when i got there that it would take several hours. so i had to go home again on the bus without a stroller for eamon. on the way back, i wore him in our backpack carrier. i'd forgotten how empowering it is to wear your baby. but i'd also forgotten how exhausting it is to wear a 30lbs toddler for nearly an hour :S

i'm a little worried that i'm falling into a rut. maybe i just need to give myself a few days before getting worried. maybe it's just that we're getting settled and i don't know what to do with the regular routine of life. it WOULD be nice if i actually wanted to deal with the dishes or tidy our bedroom. instead i just put up with it as is :S i suppose the cycle will come back around and i'll get motivated again. i'll just let this get out of my system. it's just, the mess and the laziness is slightly depressing :S

learning curve

i have a toddler son who finds farts very funny. i also find them quite comical.

ever since he was quite small, he's giggled in response to an unexpected toot, which was extra funny to me, as i concluded that toots are fundamentally funny and don't need to be explained.

at this current stage, he loves to tell me "momma, i tooted". or sometimes, for example when we were in the change room at the pool recently, he went on and on "i toots, dada toots, momma toots", and then actually did toot.

all this to say, we are both highly amused by this. but as he's getting bigger, we're interacting with folks who don't find that sort of thing as funny as we do and there are statutes of limitations on this sort of thing socially. recently, when he told me in front of a more adulty person "i toot" the other person did not laugh, and then tried to pretend he didn't hear the conversation. which was extra funny to me internally.

so i guess i'll teach him to say "excuse me" so he can be polite while still giggling. best of both worlds i think.

back online

my computer at work was scheduled to be upgraded last wednesday. then i fell sick, so i got bumped to thursday (since apparently they didn't think to come get it or something). then i spent 3 work days without a computer. when i got my computer back, it didn't have any of my design software on it. so it's been a weird week.

i am however, adjusting to my new email and trying to set things up to be intuitive and easy for me to mentally process. i don't like a lot of distractions in an email account. for a while i thought that this was a sign that i was not an adaptable person. but i think it's just a preference thing. email is a tool, and i want it to be easy to use, and not face mental blocks or barriers along the way.

brendan and i are doing this marriage course just as some relationship maintenance. it's been fun, but also challenging at times. chores turned into a big fight, which is why we've instituted our 20-minutes a day cleaning routine. i'm happy to say that's actually working pretty well.

this week it used this illustration of rhinos and hedgehogs to show different styles of dealing with conflict. my first instinct was to think i was a rhino, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized i'm a hedgehog. i'm just a hedgehog who can articulate myself well when the coast is clear, which makes me seem more like a rhino. AND because i can be hotheaded sometimes.

it got me thinking about growing up – how inward i was. i rarely felt safe talking about my feelings, and as a result i didn't do it. it wasn't that the people in my life were unsafe, it was because of my own internal process. i can talk freely and confidently about things after the fact, but if i'm still processing something, it's not a topic of conversation. i guard myself pretty securely.

achy

when we were in greece, we did a LOT of walking and after about a week or so, my calves were so sore! they'd gotten all tight and ached when i walked. i would try to stretch them out in the evenings. 

on saturday, my calf muscles started feeling tight and sore again, but this time it wasn't from excessive walking, because i've been getting little to no exercise lately (not even my stationary bike, sadly). since them, it's spread to my arms, neck and wrists. i reluctantly tried googling it, since googling medical stuff can often make one worry, and the one likely thing i read was that it could be caused by inactivity. my dad also suggested it could be caused by dehydration. for a week or two i was working really hard at drinking lots of water, but i've quickly slipped out of that habit. actually, my calves have been less sore today, it's mostly my arms and wrists. 

lifting my growing toddler is a challenge because he's getting heavy and my sore wrists feel weak under the weight of him :S

gifting

i don't remember the last time i knitted. in recent years i've been crocheting more and more, and knitting less. one of the things i like about crocheting is that it's easier to correct mistakes. with knitting, it often requires pulling out lots of rows.

my mom asked for an infinity scarf for christmas, so i'm making her one. she asked for it to be colourful with brown in it. that almost seems like a contradiction. colourful yet brown. in recent years, my mom has become a bit rusty with receiving gifts. she expressed dissatisfaction rather than gratitude. it's discouraging. so i'm bracing myself for her to not be overly appreciative of this handmade gift. it'll probably end up not colourful enough, or not brown enough, or not infinity enough or too infinity :S

to summarize

stiching • mending • chatting

hangouts with b • the hunger games

christmas shopping • grocery shopping on budget

landlording • house-keeping • la caisse

dusting

this evening i went to a norwex party at my sister's house. it was nice because i was able to take eamon with me to play with the kids. norwex is a natural cleaning supplies company. i was fairly impressed with the products.

the party was, for the most part, the first time i've hung out with my sister's friends. joy is good natured and handles being teased well, and they teased her a lot. the thing i found surprising, is that they teased her about how infrequently she cleans her house. this is shocking because joy is the most into cleaning of all the people i know. not only does she love cleaning (has said she prefers cleaning to parenting), she's really diligent about it. the on-going joke is that joy only cleans every two weeks. it felt a little like i was in a bizarre reality. two weeks is pretty regularly, and she'd already said she cleans her bathroom every day. anyway, at one point, during the mopping demonstration, i asked something about her floors, and her one friend said to me "she only cleans every two weeks" and to that i said "she cleans SIGNIFICANTLY more often than i do". which embarrassed the woman a great deal. i told joy later "we lived on main street for nearly 4 years and didn't mop once".

i felt i couldn't be honest in the group about how brendan and i are just learning to do more than the necessities. up until now we've only done the stuff we had to do, like empty the dishwasher so we could put more dishes in. and i'm proud of us for expanding our cleaning routine.

i don't know how working mothers have time for things like housework. how do they do it?!? it guess they just prioritize it. i prioritize other things.

i've expressed interest in hosting a party. partly because i thought i'd get a gift bag for signing up, and i didn't. but it's a fun excuse to have friends over. except, since it's this lady's business, i'd really encourage friends who are interested in buying, rather than just hanging out.

message me if you're interested in coming! it'll probably be in january.

amused

so i'm hooked on the show "jane the virgin" on netflix. i'm actually really impressed that i haven't been binge watching it at every opportunity, but i want to make it last. it's so funny. i get that it's very soap opera-esque, but it's just a fun watch. it regularly shocks me with plot twists. 

i also like that it's gotten me back into hand-crafts. i haven't been doing hand-crafts in a while, i guess i've just been too busy or too tired or something. but there's something really light about this show that makes me feel capable of getting back into making stuff. 

it's kind of a refreshing change that it's a highly entertaining show without having to push the envelop or be really sexually explicit. it's funny and well crafted. it reminds me of amelie, with the observational narrating. good stuff :)

don't get your back up

years after my highschool boyfriend and i broke up, sarah harmer released a song that described the end of our relationship exactly. i could've written every line. it's like she was spying on us. years later, i told him about the similarity of our break-up and that song.

every time i hear it, i remember those late nights talking in my blue jetta, desperately wanting to go home to sleep, while him badgering me about something or other. it makes me wonder if it reminds him too. but i suppose he'd probably remember it very differently than i do.

mail ordered

to my complete relief, last night was the complete opposite from the night before. YAY!

anyway...

recently i bumped into new acquaintance/friend in shoppers. she was picking up a package, and before thinking about it, i said "what is it?" then noticed the box said "well.ca" on it, and realized it might have been something extremely personal! oops! she thought about it and said vitamins. later on i got thinking about well.ca and i've never ordered anything from there, so i wondered if it offered anything my local drug store did not. so i went to the site and checked it out. before i knew it, i'd ordered $100 worth of stuff! to be fair, i bought a melissa+doug piano for eamon on sale for christmas from his great-nana (she always just gives him cash). i got my packages yesterday, and i'm very pleased! they even had seventh generation training pants! seventh generation is my favourite kind of disposable diapers, and they don't sell them at loblaws anymore.

we made the switch to disposal diapers when we moved. during the summer we found that eamon was peeing through is diapers and clothes within 10 minutes of getting a fresh set. so we decided we'd just pack up his cloth diapers, hoping that he'd soon be on his way to underpants anyway.

i also bought patchouli bar soap :) i love patchouli. it reminds me of having dreads. i wish i could find patchouli scented hair spray, but bar soap might be the next best thing.  

parenting-fail

so last night was a complete gong show over at our place. i feel emotionally hung-over. 

it's not that i got a spotty night of sleep, which was basically a series of cat naps between chaotic episodes, it was the trauma of letting my kid cry thinking he would settle himself, and only cluing much later than he was in pain. about 5 or 6 hours into the night with him crying unconsolably, i noticed eamon grabbing at his foot, and realized that he was probably having growing pains. i used to get them frequently when i was a kid, always at night. 

i'm troubled by our response. i'm troubled about the pressure we felt because we had to get up to go to work in the morning. i'm troubled that i got to work late (that always starts my day off badly). i'm troubled that brendan and i were snappy with each other. i'm troubled that i felt unloving towards eamon this morning. he's just a little kid, and it's external factors (such as work, and neighbours) that caused my negative feelings and response. 

there are times when i feel so ill-prepared and un-motherly that i question my suitability for this venture. my drive into work this morning consisted of me mentally begging for a quick recovery and to feel okay again. for balanced to be restored and to not feel buried in an avalanche of woes. 

divide and conqure

i am not a naturally disciplined person. it generally requires a lot of effort, and well, self-discipline for me to do anything consistently. this week brendan and i implimented a 20-minutes a day cleaning routine where we both set aside 20 minutes to clean/tidy our house. like all new things, i feel really good about this approach.

also, like all new things, this new approach interfered with the new thing i started last week (my stationary bike).

i honestly don't know how other people do it. managing lots of different things. HOW DO YOU DO IT!?!

this evening i tidied the surfaces in our bedroom and actually unpacked a box that has been sitting waiting since august. there's another two in here waiting to be dealt with. tomorrow perhaps!

out

there is a chunk of time after having a baby when activities outside of your home becomes lower in priority. eventually a balance is found between your new kid and other stuff. that chunk of time is different for everyone, and there are a lot of factors. i found i was just getting my equilibrium back when i returned to work, which set me off balance yet again. it was like starting over. but now that i've completed a year as a working mom (with varying degrees of success), and am feeling more settled after moving, i feel like i'm shifting away from navel gazing and back towards the bigger picture.

so... hey! how's it going? what's going on? what's happenin'?

actually, now that i think of it, brendan's job situation also delayed my sense of balance. so basically, it was a year of lots and lots of change. 

with this shift of space, time, energy and freedom, brendan and i have decided to go out more often and have recruited my dad as our 'after bedtime babysitter'. we're able to maintain our routine with eamon, but then can go out because my dad is reading on our couch. unfortunately, he was also barfing on our couch. he's had a chest infection, which combined with his sensitive gag reflex, he's been "bringing up" every evening like clockwork from coughing. i've never had to leave a barf bucket with a babysitter before. he made good use of it. oh dear :S

all that said, our saturday evening outing was really fun and uncomplicated. 

shark bike

a number of months ago, my mom offered me a stationary bike. she said she got it from a friend, and hasn't been using it. i was definitely interested and said i'd take it when we move. so when brendan picked it up, i was surprised to see how vintage it is. it's a very, very old stationary bike. but it works! at least it does on certain settings. i am not someone who likes to exert myself, so thankfully it works best on the lower settings that don't make me have to push myself too much. it's been a few weeks since i've been outside cycling at lunch. partly because my bike was in the back of my car when it was in the shop for 2+ weeks, but also because of the weather. so this week i started using my stationary bike after eamon is in bed. i'm very pleased because i've set it up in the kitchen where i can watch stuff on brendan's computer. i like to watch colbert with b sometimes, so i thought i'd watch him on the late show while i cycle. it's easy to waste a half hour watching comedians on youtube. often times i'm tired by the time eamon is in bed, but cycling energizes me and changes my tiredness from fatigue to sleepy, cozy tiredness. 

now the big mystery is how long can i keep this up before i start coming up with excuses to not do it. i hope i'm able to adopt this as life-style thing. it really couldn't be more convenient. AND the fact that i do it right after putting eamon to bed, it's not like i'm in the middle of something. if all goes well, i may eventually upgrade to a modern stationary bike. at least this way i haven't wasted money, but instead can try this approach out on my vintage bike. 

goat and about

on sunday, eamon and i went downtown to complete some errands. after quickly popping into one store, i decided we should walk down to vandervoorts and decided to leave the stroller in the car and just let eamon walk. other than frequently having to keep him on track, he did very well and really enjoyed himself. it was kind of refreshing to walk beside him and sometimes walk holding hands, instead of pushing a stroller. on the way, i decided we should go for a date to the goat to share a muffin after vandervoorts. i can't remember being at the goat with eamon before, it's very possible that that was his first time there. we sat at a table by the window, me with my tea and him with a mason jar of milk. it was the sweetest. i really had a lovely time with him. it gave me a taste of the next phase we're transitioning into. there were some dogs outside on the sidewalk playing while we were there. he kept saying "puppy, puppy", and i said "that's right, how many puppies are there?" and he said "two!", which surprised me. he's really developing quickly. 

all this to say... i don't know if it's our new neighbourhood, or the season, or our current phase of life, or our work/daycare routine, it's probably a combination of all those things, but we haven't been venturing out as much as i'd like to. saturdays are taken up by chores with a pause for a nap in the middle. maybe i should skip grocery shopping some saturday mornings and take him to the goat instead. although, it might be busy there. or not, would the goat be busy by 9:00 am on a saturday?

now that we're down to just one car, i have less freedom than before. because we're sharing a car means i can't just come and go as i please. but i think it's important to keep doing fun things. life is too short to let logistics get in the way of living. 

fresh start with all hallow's eve

when i was around 6, my parents decided they did not want us trick or treating anymore because of halloween's association with "evil". in recent years, since my sister has started taking her kids trick or treating, they've significantly relaxed about it. it's actually never came up that it's something they used to be against. this kind of bothers me because i missed out on a fun childhood experience, while they seem oblivious that i might be disappointed about that. 

anyway, in recent years i've been participating in the "halloween harvest" which collects food for the food drive, and that's been nice. it started help re-introduce me to halloween. but this year, was the first time that eamon was old enough to trick or treat, and i had a super fun time :) he was so excited and got really into it. i'd never heard him say "bag" before, but he was very insistent on carrying the bag, and kept saying "bag, bag" if we tried to help him carry it.

it's really nice that halloween has been redeemed for me, and i look forward to many years taking him around and meeting neighbours. 

plus, after brain storming costume ideas for several months, we were really happy with the little aviator costume we came up with. we're 3 for 3 on costumes :)

transformer

when i heard there was a large power-outage in parts of kingston on tuesday, i wondered what eamon's daycare was going to do. so i wasn't surprised when i got a call within the hours saying that they have a two-hour policy when there is no power, and we'd have to pick him up by 11:30. so i scrambled calling various family members, trying to figure out how to get them a key, calling brendan's co-worker's cell phones, etc. eventually we came up with a plan that joy would pick up eamon, go by brendan's work for a key and meet my dad at our house to take care of eamon while joy went to work. it was a bit chaotic, but everything came together really well, and the power even came back on at our house minutes after they arrived.

it was my dad's first time babysitting him. he used to provide childcare for joy's kids, so part of me thought he'd do fine, but another part of me worried because he's quite a bit older now. plus, he has been known to be a bit neglectful, resulting in the kids clogging the toilet with toys on my dad's watch. 

sounds like they got on like a house on fire. i'm so pleased. i want eamon to bond with him, and vise versa, and often times that requires alone-time together. i think my dad was very proud, which is why i decided not to tell him that he'd put eamon's diaper on backwards so it leaked all over his clothes and bed during his nap :)

afterwards he told me that eamon is such a sweet little guy who interacted really well and gave him no trouble. and that he thinks we're doing a really great job. pretty high praise, it's nice getting that kind of reassurance. 

bail?

well, it was a bit of an embarrassing day as far as media coverage goes, but in spite of that i had the best day at work in a while.

i was thinking today about how my workplace and my role there has shaped who i am. specifically how my mom thinks i plan everything in advance down to all the small details. the thing is, that's my job! we have events and happenings that are planned literary years in advance. after a while, it come to be second nature to think that way. but i like this approach of taking things a day at a time. granted, i don't really know how to do that, and where the line is. like, if i think of anything for tomorrow, in a few days time, or next week, am i not taking it a day at a time anymore?

i guess i'll figure it out as i go.

ouch

i feel like i'm going down with a sinking ship (or maybe instead bobbing in a marooned ship without a life raft).

Bombardier Inc could be barred from bidding on future Toronto Transit ...

Toronto Transit may sue Bombardier over new streetcar delays, says chairman

Quebec government expected to throw Bombardier Inc a lifeline on Thursday

and this is just the stuff that appears on my regular google news feed :S

stand in the place where are

i have this unfair habit of living in the future. unfair because it makes me dismissive of my presence, which is unfortunate, especially after working and pining for my current reality. my mom often remarks that i get more excited during the planning stages than i do in the execution state. i've never had a problem with that, so i've always just shrugged off her comments. but now it's giving me pause.

i'm worried about my lack of presence. i'm wondering if i have an escapism mentality, always wanting away.

life is never perfect, so how do we deal with life's disappointments? how do we manage through the hard bits while remaining present?

i don't really know. but i think it's time for me to find out. i usually just wait discontent out, knowing things will eventually change. but i'd like to be really present, and live boldly in the face of difficulty. it's not my instinct at all, but something's gotta give, and it's not gonna be all the external factors.

what was golden went grey

i'm in a funny head space. i think PMS is doing a number on me at the moment. i'm sad and tired. i've been listening to "peach, plum, pear" on repeat, which probably isn't a good sign, but at the same time it is, because at least i know what soothes me.

i guess, the thing is, that you should be careful what you say to me, because i believed you. and now i don't know what to do with myself.

and i have read the right books
to interpret your looks
you were knocking me down
with the palm of your eye

this was unlike the story
it was written to be
i was riding its back
when it used to ride me

and we were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force

and i am blue
i am blue and unwell
made me bolt like a horse

nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah...

and you've changed some

for what it's worth

this afternoon, i finished 'go set a watchman. i'd heard a number of things about that book before it came to be in my possession, and had pretty much decided not to bother with it. however, one of our three wonderful sets of tenants gave us a copy, so i thought i'd give it a go.

it was alright. it was a good little book and i was enjoying it. it wasn't amazing or anything, but i liked it. then i got to the end, which is when it really blossomed for me. and when i closed the back cover, i was struck by the strong (i might even say profound) impression it left on me.

i know the expression "coming of age" has been thrown around a lot by reviewers, publishers and film-makers, but this was the first 'coming of age' story that i could relate to. yes, she was 26, but some of us come of age when we're older.

i feel like this book has gotten a bit of a bum wrap from the press. i think harper lee should be proud of it. it's lovely in its own right.

winter's coming...

i spent the better part of an hour blow-drying our large living room window tonight. we decided to put insulation plastic on it because it's such a large surface and it made the room feel chilly. it was SO BORING. hopefully i'll be worth it. i'm worried that eamon or someone else will accidentally stab it and break the plastic, rendering my time spent useless. i also want to put some in our shower window. showering right beside a exterior window, especially in the morning, is unpleasant.

head scratcher

i have to admit something... i've been rather puzzled about why CBC radio 2 has been making such a big deal about the "jagged little pill" 20th anniversary. it's weird to me. you'd think canada had never produced a commercially successful album before. 

rain and shine

thankfully eamon's sleeping has turned a corner, and he's going to bed again like his usual self. hooray! we actually put him down early since he had a short nap this afternoon. and now i'm finding i have extra time on my hands that i don't know what to do with :S strange problem to have.

well actually, i spoke too soon... brendan's going to run to the store for a chip run, and then we're going to watch sitcoms on netflix.

in the meantime, i should empty the dishwasher and then put more dishes in it. i super love had a dishwasher, but i'm slightly afraid of it because of the movie "garden state".

"where's dada?"

it's really neat watching your partner grow into a soft-hearted dada. brendan has been a great dad with a special way with eamon since day one, but i can see how being a parent changes him every day. he was one proud fella yesterday when we got the proofs of eamon's school pictures. his heart swelled. it's really lovely and a beautiful transformation.  

spectrum

for whatever reason, i'm always alone when watching election results. that's not a bad thing, just something i noticed. this has been an particularly interesting evening of results. it's been enjoyable to see things mixed up a bit!

lately, eamon does not like sleeping in his room alone. we have to cuddle him in his room til he's asleep or almost asleep. sometimes it takes an hour. i'm trying to keep perspective; i get to hold and cuddle him, which is not something i get to do when he's awake and busy, and time is passing quickly, it won't be long before he doesn't want to be cuddled to sleep. it just takes SO LONG and i have such little time left when i'm finally able to sneak out of his room.

cardboard

i've discovered that we have a lot of junk in our storage room several (or should i say 'many') boxes containing random things we don't need. junk that i crammed into boxes as long ago as 4 years ago. i made a good dent into them this afternoon though, so that's good.

however, i CANNOT find our bag/box/basket or winter hats and mitts. it's so annoying! i had really good hats and mitts, and the day is approaching that we're gonna need them. even just light hats and mitts. i have one more place to look, but i don't have much hope, because i don't remember packing them in that closet in the first place. i know exactly where they were on main street.

unhappen

after 2+ weeks in the shop, we finally got our car back! i'm so glad. we didn't like our rental car, although we were thankful to have it. the only thing i don't like is that our car has lots of garbage in it.

the car repair itself was $8500

the car rental was $740

and the new car seat was over $200

and we didn't have to pay for any of it! we're SOOOOO grateful.

i drive more defensively than i used to. i don't want to have another accident with this car. we like it and want to keep it.

i frequently get called lori now that my last name is lorimer.

people can't remember my name, and just remember the last word they heard.

except, sometimes it happens in emails too. 

lori lorimer. i bet there's someone out there named that. 

ccccchanges

ohmygoodness.... eamon slept through the night! this is the first time in a really long time. maybe not since our move. WHAT A RELIEF! granted, this may not be a pattern, he might not do it again tonight, but it couldn't have come at a better time since the previous night was the worst!

us lorimers are really in a season of change. after this weekend, we will be returning to a one-car family. brendan's taking his pt crusier into the wreakers. it's in really bad shape and is really unsafe. it will be an adjustment, more for brendan than for me, but i think it's worth it. that car has been cursed since before we inherited it. while i'm happy to see it go, i recognize that the timing isn't great. having to walk or take the bus more is better (easier, more bearable) in warmer weather, but those unresponsive breaks in the winter-weather would be bad news. so good-bye, bjrk - i hate you. 

tackled

i had THE worst night's sleep last night. eamon was up calling for me (and refused to be cuddled by brendan). then i was wide awake for 2 hours, and i tossed and turned getting upset and worked up about stuff at work. i did fall a few more hours of sleep and woke up with more resolve than i had in the night. i've got to pull it together because i can see myself slipping into a severely discouraged headspace. thankfully when i decide not to let life pin me down, i can usually dig myself out and get on top of things. fingers crossed!

did i tell you i'm still driving that rental car? it's been over 2 weeks now. i really want my kia back.

gut-rot

after 6 days off, i found it extremely difficult to get up this morning at 5:30. it really is the middle of the night :S

here's hoping i'll adjust quickly and easily!

perma-date

today brendan turned 27.

i've been waiting for this day for more than 6 years. back before we were dating, and friends would say to me "why don't you date brendan?" i would say "he's only 20! i'd date him if he was 27". for some reason, 27 didn't seem like a kid anymore. obviously i didn't wait, and i'm glad i didn't.

let me do the date-a-younger-man math:

i'm 35.

divided by 2 is 17.5

plus 7

equals 24.5

i am officially in the clear.

we've also been together for 6 years. having our first real date on october 12, 2009. i'm really happy with the life we've built together. he's a good man, a good partner, and i'm so grateful to live my life with him.

on a completely different note, i think we've turned a corner with eamon's potty training! he's starting to get it!

naps

i frequently need to remind myself that resting is a legitimate use of my time. back when i was on mat leave, i came to understand this, but slowly since i've been back at work, i put more value on it. i think it's because my time is more limited and i want to use it doing stuff i don't usually get to do. which does include resting.

stale

sometimes my heart aches being away from my kid, and that makes everything else feel awful.
i know that's making me catastrophize everything in my head, but i feel super trapped and desperate.

i was telling brendan the other day about my new office.
"now, in my new office, i'm not just figuratively alone anymore, i'm literally alone"
he thought that was the funniest sad thing he's ever heard.

don't get me wrong. i really like my new office. but it does make me feel like "holy @&%$, is this my life now?" i feel like i'm in a dead-end.

this weekend...

- les gets new office at work

- les and b host wine tasting party

- les gives eamon a decent haircut

- eamon pukes in supermarket

- brendan gets a dryer off kijiji (another thing strucked off our to-do list)

- les falls asleep watching netflix at 8:45 and doesn't wake up again except to get into pjs

- les pedals brendan's bike to next despite a flat tire and seized brakes

- brendan's bike is stolen from next

stuff

i've been falling asleep really early this week. the nice thing is that i've also been waking before my alarm clock, which shows i'm not sleep deprived due to late nights.

anyway... on wednesday, i had a minor car accident. significant enough that my car will be in the shop for the next week :S it's a real drag, and i miss the familiarity of our car. plus, it's a nice car!

despite all this, everything is going smoothly with getting it fixed. thankfully it's just superficial damage. we've also addressed a bunch of things from our to-do list and i feel like the amount of stuff we have to do or deal with is getting lighter.

slowly, slowly, slowly

i feel like i'm starting to get stuff off my mental "to do" list.

washing machine fixed - check!

book done - check!

downstairs ready for guy - check!

with each thing completed i feel life getting lighter.

do you think its possible that the super moon made my period come nearly a week early? this has NEVER happened to me before.

red

brendan and i stood out on our back porch together looking at the red super moon. it's an awfully beautiful sight. although, i have to admit, i'm glad there's some kind of explanation for it, because otherwise, it would seem very ominous.

i dug out our winter duvet last night.

it's the best.

the best.

crushed

well... this has been a day of highs and lows.

i had a very discouraging conversation (or rather, had to listen to a very discouraging conversation) last night with some folks who have a very different worldview than me. it just sucked all my hope and made me want to give up on life :S

THEN, i had an alright time at work, which made me feel i could last there a little while longer there.

THEN, brendan and i got a stove for our downstairs kitchen and had A DICKENS of a time getting it in the house and down the stairs. i think we successfully broke it in three or four different places, and almost died twice. nothing like saving a few bux by moving it yourself and then wishing you could pay twice its value for to go back in time.

THANKFULLY, i made some significant progress with two other big projects this afternoon/evening. éamon took the bus home with his nana for dinner so i could make up for the lost time caused by the stove.

so now that the day is nearly done, i can confidently say that despite several set backs, today a success :)

downhill

i think i have the growth potential to become a hoarder. not the traditional kind who can't throw anything out. i'm pretty good at that. it's more the temptation to stock up on non-perishable food items. in recent years i've gotten good at purchasing things to have in the pantry for unplanned baking or cooking events. i like being equipped to bake/cook without lots of prior notice. the problem (or the potential problem) is i'm feeling an impulse to double-up on my supplies. worries such as "what if we use that tomato paste and forget to get another one!", have been creeping in, which is why i desire two of things instead of one. this could easily creep into 4, 6 or more items of the same thing...

medical mystery solved

I went to the hospital last night shortly after midnight. my headache was not getting better despite the painkillers I tried and I also became feverish, achey all over and nauseated. brendan and I decided I should take a cab and he stayed behind with eamon.

it was a slow process (nearly two hours from the time I decided to go in), but I didn't feel rushed because I'd already decided not to go to work. I didn't mind the wait once I had a bed to lie on.

long story short, I have a uti and all that other stuff were just side effects. they gave me a wack of pills and I eventually felt much better. my headache persisted a little, but is now pretty much gone. I haven't needed any else for it.

I could hear eamon crying this morning, calling "mommy, mama" when brendan went in to get him up. it really breaks my heart. I wish I could just not go back to work..

Sent from my iPod

beyond

things are not going particularly well these days.

and by that i mean my ability to cope with inclimate life conditions. i'm really hoping it's the tornado around me, and not just a decrease in my well-being.

i have my very first migraine. i've never had one before. my eyes are sore when i move then, and my head pulses when i move it. i went to bed at 9:30 last night thinking i'd sleep it off, but it was still there in the morning, which was when i started realizing it was a migraine. i've been wearing a cold pack on my head all day, which has helped, but now it's room temperature.

being sick can be super inconvenient, i had things to do today. i really want to be well enough for work tomorrow since i recently had that other sick day. 

i'm finding myself looking forward/wishing we were a few years down the road, and éamon was 6. i feel like the parenting game will really start to change then. he'll be able to sit for longer, and understand why we tell him "no" and not just think we're being jerks. i don't want to wish this age away though. i'm sure that part of parenting is thinking the grass is greener in other stages. i'm just worn out. he is SUCH a busy kid and he's always breaking stuff, or getting into things he shouldn't, or stripping naked in his crib during nap time or having tantrums in public :S

i should balance out myself by saying, he's also very sweet and smart, he has an old soul and loves to play guitar. this morning he took his guitar and sat on the floor against the wall and strummed and sang while i lied immobile on the couch. i can't let myself overlook the easier stuff. it's just, i'm way outside my element right now, and migraines and working full time is making it so much worse. 

better

i really like warm weather, but i think i'm ready for fall, so all this summer like weather is throwing me off.

yesterday i met both our neighbours on each side. the lady on the south side was michelle and the lady on the north side was song.

the other day i twisted my ankle funny when i was trying to get into my car. as i stumbled and regained my balance, i looked around me for passerby-ers who might have seen me and might be concerned. and was surprised to find our street was empty. it felt funny. several minutes later, i closed my window on my own arm by accident. it was a rough 3 minutes.

under-equipped

i've heard from several people that "terrible twos" is a misnomer and it's actually the "terrible threes" you've got to watch out for. and i have to say that if this current phase of tantrums and attitude and hitting and being a little monster when we're at the public library is NOT the terrible twos, than i'm gonna lose my mind.

i had someone from next over the other day who comments that eamon's a totally different kid when he's at home. which just confirms my suspicions that there are folks who think he's a little brat and that at home he was actually a pleasant person to be around. i've observed that being at church is both overwhelming and overstimulating for him, which is not a good combination. PLUS his dada is on stage and i'm constantly trying to block him from going up there.

we're in a rough stage, and this is no doubt made worse by working hours and general life stresses.

alike

i like my hair today.

i got a new hair spray because it was on sale and i was all out. but i like this one better.

honey has fleas.

it's gross.

she's been avoiding standing or sitting on the floor. it reminds me of when i was a kid and we'd pretend the ground was lava.

i went to the pet store, prepared to buy the most expensive kind available, but it turns out that's only available via prescription. so we're plum out of luck.

berber

you know that you've really become a grownup when you're excited about new carpet.

we got carpet installed in our basement on friday, and it looks GREAT! i'm so pleased. eamon and i ran around in circles enjoying the new rec room. it's funny, because it cost about as much as simple oversea vacation (meaning, not an elaborate one with lots of frills), and compared to a holiday carpet seems very dull. but when i'm there i feel excited thinking about our kids playing in that space. the forts and imaginative play :) joy and i practically lived in our rec room/play room as kids, and i can't imagine growing up without it.

it makes me happy. and what a relief! we're really starting to see the results of our hard work around here.

sponge

the ironic thing about me making a smoothy with plums so they didn't go to waste is that i ended up knocking over my blender in the process and wasted at least a third of it and one small container of yogurt.

in my frustration i loudly went "AAAAAAAA-UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH".

then from the other room i could hear a little voice imitating me "aaauuugghh" and brendan saying "yes, that IS what mama said."

sometimes imitation is not that flattering.

paused

it's so dark out. it feels like bedtime.

after eamon was down and the dishes were done, i sat out front with a cider in the dark. it was nice. i liked the easy pace. it's funny, because even though it was the only thing i wanted to do, i felt rushed. like i needed to move on to the next thing. i'd overcome that tendency while i'm on mat leave. it's disappointing that it's back, but i'm not surprised. just goes to show that i need to make a habit of doing that. it's easy for me to get swept up in a fast pace that i'm unhappy with. i need to counter act that.

this might be the first evening since july that i had nothing i had to do. what a nice change. i think i'll lie around a bit and probably read before heading to bed early.

12 books

once again, i woke in the night and couldn't fall back asleep. the annoying thing is that i don't even has as much on the go! i laid there trying some breathing techniques that scarlete was telling me about yesterday, and it did help, only i dozed back to sleep around 4:45 and had to wake up at 5:30.

after eamon was settled in bed and i'd finished cleaning the bathroom, i sat out front on our porch under the cover of night. it was calming and gentle, and reminded me of my old balcony.

it's hot and i feel all clammy. i'm gonna post this then go to bed.

last night i finished the last coat of paint in the basement. now i can move on to (or get back to) unpacking. tonight we hung a bunch of art in the living room and our bedroom. i feel we're on our way to normal.

and as i start to make a turn towards normal, i want to start getting more intentional about again about my sleeping habits and connecting with others. on the weeks that brendan works evenings, i'm pretty cooped up and i can't get out as easily as i'd like. it's easily to become or feel isolated. and i'm not always good at reaching out, unless when i feel a sense of urgency.

this afternoon i had a nice walk with scarlete along the water front. it was good to connect with her. i think it was good for both of us.

yard poops

i ran out of paint for my second coat in the rec room.

i like painting, but i've concluded that i'm a real reckless painter. thankfully, i've started wearing a painting apron, which keeps me from getting covered. i don't know why i didn't wear an apron before!

brendan mowed the lawn the other day with our (new to us) lawn mower. he looked very grown up. it made him seem twice his age.

bird hits your windshield

that picture of that 3 year old boy is too much for me. he reminds me so much of éamon, i can't bare to see it again. i'm pretty deeply disturbed. sometimes life just feels like one big oxymoron. on one hand it's deeply disturbing, and on the other hand life is beautiful and amazing. sometimes i feel like i'd be ok with the good side of life just being moderately ok if it meant the bad side of life was only mildly bad.

7+9

FINALLY, for the first time in over a week, i actually had a productive day!

i got the downstairs bedroom finished painting (it needed a bunch of touch ups, and some white paint, etc). i put a second coat on the kitchen walls, AND i painted the kitchen floor. i can't express what a relief it was for me to actually make some progress. this really reduces my feelings of being overwhelmed.

argh

today we faced one of those parenting urban legends. the one when the kid is supposed to be napping, but instead takes of their poopy diaper and spreads the poop around the room. there have been many occasions, for one reason or another, that eamon has had a diaper misfunction and we've thought "oh, we are so lucky that it wasn't poopy". no so lucky today :S

sandy

i've been sleeping really poorly lately. first because of excitement, then from having lots to do, now my brain is just really busy and i lie there wide awake. last night i took a sleep-aid, two of them. i slept really well. even when eamon woke in the night and wouldn't settle himself back to sleep. i was worried that i wouldn't fall back to sleep either, but i did. i was a bit groggy this morning, so if i take them again tonight, i think i'll just take one. i'm not sure how long i'll take them for, but probably a few nights in a row will help.

yesterday i wasn't feeling well, and i stayed home from work. come evening i was a bit loopy and talking random stuff endlessly. it makes brendan a little annoyed when i do that. i guess he would say i'm annoying, it's not that he's annoyed :p

i'm hoping to get back into my usual sleep routine soon.