arbitrary

i can't get over how much my cats like being outside on my balcony. even when it's raining they are pawing to get out. yesterday i was outside sanding my kitchen table in a hailstorm. the top needs to be re-finished. i have to admit, i felt pretty proud of myself. i'm a tough broad who not only uses power-tools, i own them too! those are my work-overalls, i wear them when i'm working on stuff. tomorrow, for example, i'll wear them while i plant my garden! (nice segue huh?) i'm very excited about my garden. i was trying to remember what inspired me to get into gardening, and i can't recall. but i suppose it's one of those things that i love it so much that it seems completely normal and an obvious thing to do.

i played Wii at the butler's place last night for the first time. it was pretty fun! paul and i played tennis, baseball, bowling, and i think something else but i can't remember. it would be fun to take up real tennis as a fun hobby. i need a tennis partner though. hm. anyone want to hit the ball around with me a little? usually i'm more interested in how many times i can get it over the net consecutively than an actual score. this should be noted before anyone signs up to play with me.

i wonder what it would be like to write a memoir. what does it take to make a good story, is it exciting content or interesting writing style. i got thinking about her, and how sad her life has been, and yet she doesn't seem despondent. i marvel at how she's overcome, and it reminds me of how good i've had it. i'm guilty of overlooking great blessings in my own life, not noticing their wonder, i've lost my sense of awe in many ways.

i'm beginning to wonder if i should purge my life a little. i don't need a lot of stuff to survive. at least i shouldn't. whenever i'm away (like i was in montreal or iqaluit), without any access to a computer my life feels so much less cluttered and it seems like i have more time. i don't know if that necessarily means i need to get rid of everything i have, it just means i need to be a better steward with it, and not buy more stuff if i don't need to. i bought some earrings yesterday that i could've done without, and i kind of wish i didn't buy them. hmph, oh well, may this be a lesson to me. may it be the last.

these hands like strangers in the wind,
these eyes float in the breeze.

gung-ho

i've concluded that i'm quite a literal person. if something is supposed to start at a certain time, i expect it to. before my first visit to next, someone told me that it never starts on time. i take that literary, and am, therefore, never on time. man, i can't think of any examples other than time related ones, but i'm sure i'm quite literal. more than many at least.

do you ever wonder about yourself in 10 years? lately i've been wondering what hobbies i'll be into, or new things i'll take a liking to. i wonder if i'll take up jogging, or find the courage to help homeless people. it's all so very interesting. this game of life.

i live in fear of becoming extremely self-centred. i've heard many times that excessive time alone makes a person selfish. i've been trying to combat that concept, at times i fail miserably, other times i put others first then later reward myself with something just for me. i find it hard to get it right. in so many ways, there's no one else looking out for me. i have to watch my own back, and it's a matter of survival. as morbid as it seems, at the end of the day, i think everybody dies by himself, so we've all just got to look out for ourselves. i hate that because it feels like that completely contradicts my faith. but even so, i think we're all individuals living in community. we can share in other peoples joys and woes, but ultimately they're all our own. i dunno, it's kind of messed-up in my head, i'm still just trying to figure it all out. i'm just scared i'm going to let people down until i've got my crap together. i'm sorry if i do. i'm just one girl, trying her best to juggle it all.

do you ever wish you could read someone else's diary? hm, i guess that's kind of what you're doing when you read pspd. hm. well anyways, i'm reading blue like jazz (i think i mentioned that before but i can't remember). i really like how he just talks about his life. random things, personal things, real things. sometimes when i'm reading it (and giggling about something he wrote) i think i could read books like this all the time! like someone else's diary!

do you ever think being a guy would be so much easier?

was it more than attraction and a physical lust?

conundrum

we had the hatch folding party tonight. i really like hanging out with that crew of people. they're good people. they're fun. this issue looks awesome because it got professionally printed. snazzy.

when i was in montreal i seriously considered getting a caricature done. i've never got one done before and i thought it would be fun. i was on the verge, and then i realized that it would get seriously damaged on the trip home, so there was no point. i had no place to put it. this got me wondering tho... what feature would a caricaturist choose to emphasize? after MUCH thought (i'm seriously mean several days), i concluded my cheek bones and maybe my chin. when i was a pre-teen i was obsessed with brian mulroney, because we both had big chins. to this day, at the mention of mr. mulroney, my mom'll say "oh les... it's your friend!" i even made a hand-puppet of him.

i had my sister over last night. it was great. i'd never had her over before as a friend. i'm really glad i did. i was struck by how alike we are, i'm usually too distracted by our differences to notice. it shouldn't surprise me really, we're cut from the same cloth. she's left and i'm right. she brought mister liam with her. i got to hold him for a long time while he slept. at one point i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as i held him, i'm always surprised by how young and small i look when holding a baby. i liked it when he'd breath on my neck while he lay on my chest. he's very sweet.

you could be handing love to me,
but i was far away.

bondage

i just want to say that bad things happen to good people.

and that i'm very sorry.

yes, no, maybe is all i need to hear from you.

tetris

"Do you ever feel like all that you offer people and all that they see and taste of you, all that they think you are is really only a pretty disguise for what lies hidden underneath? That everyone thinks you are so much better than you really are? I do."

rachel erb, may 2008

i was thinking about something very similar to this earlier today. then i read rachel's entry and was pleasantly surprised and kind of relieved to discover someone else thinks the same way.

i once knew a man who could lite a match with one hand. i thought he was so cool. he oozed cool. i wonder about the people i think are cool, i'm sure they'd most likely disagree with me. i wonder who'd be more right – me or them. i wonder if perhaps who we are is equally defined by the perceptions of those around us, instead of by ourselves alone. sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

i think there's a difference between being "hot" and being "sexy". if i had it my way, i'd much prefer to be considered sexy. same goes for my taste in men. being sexy is like being cool, it's generally concealed from the person in question.

i was told today that up to 100 people die annually from incidents involving their crocks getting caught in escalators.

this morning i got in my car to discover i'd left my lights on all night and my battery was dead. it sucked. thankfully my good friend melissa lent me her car to get to and from work. i'd never boosted a car battery by myself before. it was kind of cumbersome. i had to open my car hood, then her car hood, then i had to turn on her engine, then my engine, then i had to unhook everything and put down each hood. kind of cumbersome, but i managed. i drove my batmobile around for a while to charge up the battery before i drove melissa's car back to her place. i'm hoping it was enough to get me started tomorrow. it was kind of nice strolling down to bagot street in the morning – aside from the crappy circumstances.

make me a believer,
the seas will part somehow.

bonaventure

j'aime montréal!

i'm home and had a totally awesome time!! i totally love montreal! now i understand why everyone goes on about how great it is, and i no longer have to feel resentful about being out of the loop! i love montreal and i think it loves me too! i ended up staying one extra night because by a crazy fluke chance i discovered that one of my favourite bands was performing saturday night at the time to laugh comedy club and i KNEW that was my only chance to see them so i HAD to take advantage of it or else live the rest of my life regretting it.

i was a busy girl, and crammed a lot into 6 days & 5 nights.

things i did in montréal:
tuesday: arrived, got settled in hotel, walked up rue sainte-catherine, rode the metro just for fun.
wednesday: went to work, visited holocaust museum, toured museum of contemporary art, had fancy dinner on rue crescent.
thursday: went to work, attended cuban exhibition at museum of fine art, walked around old montreal.
friday: worked half-day, took AMT train down to central station, strolled streets of old montreal (saw habitat 67, city hall), hung out in place jacques-cartier, knitted in park, checked into hostel, took city bus up mount royal, had dinner with michel in the plateau.
saturday: slept in, saw permanent exhibition at museum of fine art, walked to rue saint-laurent, took a trip to the biodome, went up olympic stadium, attended cut copy concert(!!).

things i ate in montréal:
• cafeteria food at the huge bbd aerospace plant
• salmon at an italian restuarant
• a cajun chicken montreal bagel (sandwich)
• heart of palm
• roasted quail
• biscotti
• other things unworthy of mention

things i thought about in montréal:
• that i'm kind of glad that i waited until 28 for my first trip to montreal. the timing was perfect and so was the opportunity.
• that i felt like i was really living. it wasn't just montreal, it was that i was doing something different, branching out and expanding. i lived so many years with my life on pause, i feel like i'm actually living after spending all my life in still mode.
• forbidden fruit.
• whether i looked like a local or like an obvious tourist (when i wore my knapsack it was much more apparent).
• there isn't time to go into everything. perhaps a few things will come out in the coming days, other things will be left for one-on-one conversations.

you can see all 50 of my photos by clicking right here.

i wish i had some decent food preprepared in my kitchen. i'm feeling a need to raid a refrigerator.

with hearts on fire i reach out to you tonight.

acorn

andrew and shannon hosted a cinco de mayo party in skeleton party this evening. it was really fun! we had mexican food and a boom box blaring salsa music. set up across the park was a guy doing some slacklining, and welcomed us all to try it out. i'm so proud of all of us for being so brave and making it across! my favourite part of the party was the piñata – i loved that we were a group of 20 & 30 somethings taking turns wacking a dinosaur piñata while blind-folded. it was so awesome!!

i leave for montreal after work tomorrow. i'm very excited. i'll be gone for 5 days and get home saturday evening. i'll spend 3 nights at the fairmont queen elizabeth hotel – which i think is the most fancy hotel in the city, and most likely the most expensive hotel i'll stay at in my LIFE! i'll check-out from there on friday and walk down the street to check-in at a hostel where i'll sleep on a bunk-bed in a dormitory. haha. i LOVE that. i'm so stoked. my friend michel (my co-worker in montreal) has offered to give me suggestions on things to do, but first asked me what kind of things i like. i told him i like art and that i want to go up the mountain. if i can think of anything else then i'm suppose to let him know. do any of YOU have suggestions that i can ask michel about??? please comment them to me asap :) this is my very first time to montreal (if you don't count the time melinda and i got lost driving thru to p.e.i. at 2 am last summer).

well my house is a mess and i haven't packed yet. i had a friend in crisis after the cinco de mayo party, and only just arrived home again. so i'd better get cracking, i'd like to be in bed at a good time. i don't want to be sleepy on my business trip. i'm going to get trained on how to make updates and changes to the new bbd website that's being launched in a couple weeks.

i also enjoyed when matt smashed open a coconut with the hammer i brought to the party :)

i read this excerpt in my book this afternoon and it made me go "hmmm". i thought it was a great synopsis, faith does not equal blind faith. faith does not mean having no questions, nor do questions equal serious doubt. questions lead to more understanding. "as often as i feel certain that God exists, i feel as often at a loss to say what difference it makes – that he exists, – or even: that to believe in God, in which i do, raises more questions than it presents answers. thus, when i am feeling my most faithful, i also feel full of a few hard questions that i would like to put to God – i mean, critical questions of the how-can-he, how-could-he, how-dare-you variety."

the pleasure part,
the afterthought,
the missing stone in the graveyard.

intimacy

it times i've wondered, and been questioned by others, about whether i would've been religious if i didn't come from a religious family. would i have bothered to "find God" as an adult. i think this is a good question, and something important for me to reflect upon. many times i've thought about the fact that yes, i did grow up in a religious family, so christianity was pretty much given to me, but even though i made the decision as a child to follow jesus, i make the same decision every day as an adult. i feel sure that yes i would still be a religious adult even if i'd grown up in a non-religious home. i've faced many obstacles in my life, endured many storms and found the rock is slippery when wet. i can understand those around me who've stopped trying, and those who taken hold of something different all together. sometimes i find myself wondering why i hold on, especially when it seems so many have jumped ship. but i have to be true to myself, and in spite the fact that it's not fashionable these days to claim christ as my saviour, i do and my spirit is awakened by him. unfortunately, this does not answer all the other major questions of the philosopher's mind. why am i here? is there a point to any of this? why is there suffering? am i on the right track or have i somehow screwed everything up? these are difficult things for me to live with and not know the answers to.

last night i went square dancing on wolfe island with a bunch of girls. it was fun, i haven't square danced since camp when i was 12 or 13. although, i didn't particularly like holding hands with strangers; some peoples hands were clammy and other people's hands were scruffy. my allergies have been dreadful and my nose keeps running so i felt bad about wiping my nose then swinging my partner. being over on the island always gets me excited about my plans to move there. it won't be for a couple more years – i'm not ready to leave the max pad yet – but the island just has such a different atmosphere, and i'm thrilled about living someplace different. it's cool that it won't involve me up heaving my whole life. it's gonna be awesome :)

i've got to tell you, i HATE it when good books are made into mediocre movies. they just shouldn't bother if they're going to do such a terrible job of converting it onto a film. it turns out that simon birch was based on a prayer for owen meany. although it said at the beginning "suggested by...." instead of "based on". i guess john irving felt it was a poor representation of his book so he refused to let them use the character names or title. good for him. you know what i love about books? that they're weird, complex, and don't always have happy endings. i'm growing tired of predictable movies that always involve the lousy baseball game winning the series, or romantic comedy's that you can pick out from the beginning who's going to fall in love, but obviously only after some ridiculous misunderstanding. or the bad guy to has a change of heart and turns into a real softy. i'm getting so tired of these films, they're such a bad representation of real life. i suppose there are some people out there who need these pick-me-ups, who want a escape from real-life, but i just need something a little less predictable than that.

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.

standard

what most makes me realize that i'm an adult is when experiences make full circle. i know how to brace myself because i've been thru it before, or something like it. there's a lot of talk about recession going around. well... not in my social circles or anything, but on the cbc with daily occurrence. at this point, i understand what that entails. when i hear of layoffs in the hundreds, i know what that's like. we are fortunate enough that it'll pass, we've just got to sit tight until it does.

i've thought a lot about the temporary. every time i hit a rough patch i remind myself that "this too shall pass" and it always does. unfortunately that works the other way around too. i have little faith in permanency. i both fear and crave it. i think it must be somehow related to being a child of divorce. although, i'm hesitant to "blame" my "broken home", it's a reality and something that has enviably moulded me and my outlook. but i digress... nowadays, i take solace in the fact that things are changing, have changed and will change. i suggest you take note of that and make the most of what you've got. because even rainy days have their redeeming qualities.

baby slow down,
the end is not as fun as the start.

tutelage

• that one's for you.

• it left me winded. as though i'd received a heavy blow to the chest. i sat there trying to catch my breath while my mind struggled to grasp what had just happened.

• he wants a shoe-horn. i guess he's just a shoe-horny kind of guy.

• your house is the distance of a thin white duke song away from my house.

• i'm happy to have you back home from your trip to your native land.

• he asked me "since when have you had glasses?" "1994" i told him.

• if i was a masters student, i'd do my thesis on suburban living.

• she wears a vagina on her chest. i think that trumps a heart on a sleeve.

• it rammed me hard in the shoulder. i knew at the time that it would leave a bruise and now i can't remember what it was.

• i roasted an acorn squash for dinner tonight. that is most unlike me.

• i never expected to have a job that was particularly noteworthy. and yet, with quite regularity, i get people gawking at me in awe when i tell them what i do. i feels pretty darn good.

• i pieced it together. you're at spring camp. i didn't clue in until i saw it on facebook two days later.

• you're weird. i think that's why we're friends.

• i told her i really like "fruit-to-go" snacks. she said "i just like fruit". i don't think she was listening to what i was saying.

• sometimes i forget.

• i like doing telephone surveys.

• sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have your life. i wonder if you ever wonder what it's like having MY life.

• she has rats. and i don't mean as pets.

• my eyes watered so much as a result of my allergies that it washed my make-up away completely.

wish and love are not the same thing.

esquire

wha-oh. SOMEBODY's a night-owl and is starting to wake up. but alas, i need to finish this entry then get ready for bed.

i've concluded something about myself. i'm a bit of a social flirt. i'm sure we've all met those guys (or girls) who are very flirtatious and accidentally mislead us into thinking there's a mutual attraction going on. WELL, i think i'm kind of like that but socially instead of romantically. i'm a friendly person who has genuine interest in pretty much everyone i know. i could probe just about anyone with questions about their lives and families for hours. however, this can/has given people the impression that i'd like to be their friends. which is a shame really and i feel terrible about it. like the poor guy (or girl) who gets labeled as a jerk because he's unintentionally lead someone on. i like people and i enjoy making new friends, i just need to make more of an effort to keep up my older/long-standing friendships and not let them fall to the wayside in exchange of new friends.

sometimes it feels like she's an anti-semitic jew. she's the equivalent of someone who hates her own race. it leaves me speechless.

i've been thinking a lot about the subconscious lately. partly because i'm trying to decipher what my heart is ACTUALLY telling me and partly because i've been amazed at the kind of stuff that's appearing in my dreams. yesterday i heard a story on the cbc, then dreamt about it all night long. i don't think i realized at the time what an impact it had had on me. i wonder what my subconscious would be like if it was completely, 100% undiluted by the things around me. how would i feel about life issues, world issues, the new unisex bathrooms at the goat, without pre-imposed opinions of others. i suppose i'll never truly know, but maybe i should focus more of my time on composting the waste in my brain and discovering what's left.

they all get put in little boxes,
and they all come out the same.

carpool

there is no moral to my story. there's no lesson to learn or subliminal messages to decipher.

lately i've been finding that i wish i had black hair. all the surprising beauties seem to have black hair. raven-hair seems so much more exotic and mysterious than what i've got.

in tonight's episode of "lesley goes to the movies" i saw the band's visit. it was the quirky tale of an egyptian police band who goes to play in israel (and get lost). it had a black-haired woman in it, which is perhaps partly why i'm lamenting my bland brown. i realize i could colour my hair but it's just not the same, my hair doesn't have enough body to make the right impact.

somebody's cat was barfing a lot in the night. it made me not want to get up this morning for fear of stepping in it. that's it, i blame her. it's the cat's fault that i was late for work this morning :p

i'm putting together the pieces, which is difficult because some of them are missing.

you guys don't seem as compelled to comment as much as before. that's interesting to me. especially since several of you will comment to me in real life or via email. hmm. interesting indeed.

p.s. i am a bad person

it seems farther than ever before.

intrinsic

it's much easier to call a spade a spade in hindsight.

i just got home from melody's wedding an hour or so ago. i had a really nice time and hung out with a lot of really nice and interesting people. it worked out pretty good. melody seated me with some fun people – we were table number 12 ripping up the dance floor. oOOH YAa. it's really not that tough going to weddings alone, there's always people to talk to, and i felt very included. i'm thinking about making a point of ALWAYS going to weddings alone, much better that than taking an escort who's bored out of his skull.

it was fun to be all gussied up even though i was virtually invisible and there were no dashing men to compliment me on how ravishing i looked. but who cares! i felt good about myself and that's worth more than the admiration of a thousand men.

it turned out that mel's friend offered me her couch, so i crashed there with several of her highschool friends. that saved me a chunk of money which helps make up for the car repair. btw i don't think it's leaking anymore, it ran pretty well today, and only cost 32 bux to fill up which ain't too shabby.

allergy season is hitting me early this year, it's less than ideal and my allergy pills aren't doing the trick like they did last year. i'll just stick it out, it'll be ok. it should only last until june.

feet on ground,
heart in hand,
facing forward,
be yourself.

latin

hope is deceptive. among other things.

i wish i had something more concrete than the passions of my heart. pools that have undetermined depths, they may be unexpectedly shallow.

i have some stuff on my mind but i know better than to speak them. i'm only half-convinced of them myself and not willing to hazard the chance of sounding like a fool. i kind of wish i had a chunk of time in solitary confinement to hash thru it all. perhaps it's better that i can't.

in other news... i was flipping my way thru a rail magazine today at work, and this photo caught my eye:
any guesses who that is? i was so shocked when i saw it! i've never been in a magazine before. even if it's just the back of me and hardly anyone will recognize me. it's so neat! i feel (almost) famous!

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.

motorcycle

i would sign up right now and i'd have no qualms about it.

this morning i woke up feeling totally and completely well rested. better than i've been in... who knows how long. i credit this to getting adequate hours of sleep, what a concept! i'm going to try to do that EVERY night, and make short nights a rarity.

i've been reading "a prayer for owen meany" at sarah's strong recommendation. i've been enjoying it quite a lot. yesterday i read this excerpt and it made laugh because i'm guilty of his point completely: "it is occasionally necessary for me to tell torontonians of the presence of the atlantic and pacific oceans; they tend to think of the great lakes as the waters of the world".

on tonight's episode of "lesley's night at the movies" i saw caramel. i quite liked it. i didn't realize that beirut had such a french presence, and so catholic! very surprising. there was one scene in particular i found quite heartwarming, i'd rate it up there on my list of movie moments.

i don't know if i'm a lady enough or not, but i'm wearing a shoulder bag and i'm loving every minute it!

WELL, it's almost bedtime. i should go now.

i'm an engine driver on a long run.

phantom

my eyes looked tired today. i'm phobic that i have perma-bags under my eyes and that they're a telltale sign that i'm getting older. however, even though that may be true to some extent, i realized they were prominent today because i'm tired. i was so dosey that i got into my pjs immediately when i arrived home and slipped into bed until 7:30. it was good.

i was surprised to hear she's going to the circus tomorrow. where IS this circus i wonder...

there are the occasional people who seems incapable of reading social cues. they seem to slip by undetected. that can make interactions very difficult.

i have a sneaking suspicion that my car is still leaking petrol. if so... that is the SECOND time since my car shop changed hands that they didn't fix it properly. i'm kind of mad, and i intend to demand my money back if it's found to have a puddle underneath it tomorrow. frank said i should be able to tell by looking at it if it's a newer tank. it doesn't look like one to me.

i think my subconscious has more of a say than i realize.

you can tell me everything i wouldn't care,
you know that i'll always be there.
right by your side no matter what.
consciously endure,
every ache and sore.

5ive

my life's a dark comedy.

my mom always told me to go with my first hunch. that was how she made decisions, like which shoes to buy at biway. sometime that makes good sense, but in other situations it's not the wisest. i wish i had in this case, it would've saved me a lot of time, i just ended up at square one anyways.

hatch is nearly done. i like that people are eagerly anticipating it. it makes all the work we put into it worthwhile.

mayelin got a new job at st. mary's of the lake hospital. it was very sudden: told me on thursday at lunch about the possible job, thursday afternoon was called about interview, went for interview on friday morning, began new job on monday. so now i have no friends at work. i miss mayelin, but it's fine, it just means i read at lunch instead which i really enjoy. now that the weather is nice, i've started walking again which is lovely! probably my favourite part of the work day – it's like recess!

i filled the holes in my wall with toothpaste. minty fresh.

so glad to be back home.

vacant

i woke at 4:22 in the morning after a very interesting dream, even though i was falling over in exhaustion i knew i'd better write that one down. this evening i re-read what i'd written and it made me laugh. not only was it an extremely peculiar dream, i'd also jotted it down in a very entertaining way. it cracked me up. i like "sleepy-stupor lesley", she's really funny.

i found it hard to follow the man in our mandatory pension plan presentation today. pensions are a very foreign concept to me, and i don't fully understand them. i know it has to do with money when you're old. as i sat in the front row (because all the other seats were taken) i grew increasingly drowsy and i wondered if "retired lesley" will be annoyed at "sleepy-stupor lesley" for not paying better attention in the pension meeting. well i suppose i'll just have to close my eyes and pin the tail on the donkey, then live with the results. here's hoping that "old lady lesley" will remember what it was like to be "bachelorette lesley" and forgive me if i make a bad decision. right now it feels like i'm trying to figure out which plan has less loopholes, then i'll pick that one.

i wonder if i'm enough of a "lady" to be able to pull off the shoulder bag. hmm.

will i be strong enough to live without?

visceral

i'm so close to finishing hatch that i can almost taste it, but i know it's in my best interest to just leave it for tomorrow and begin my going to bed routine.

i'm so excited about this summer. i love the summer, it's a fantastic time of year. i've decided that as a special treat, i'm going to take myself to the screening room once a week until the fall. i did that several summers ago, because i used to volunteer there. i got thinking about how super it was to ride my bike down there in the heat and bike home in the cool dark, and to watch random foreign films in the front row by myself. i'm looking forward to it, and if all goes well, i'll be able to start this week. believe it or not, the hardest part about this new activity is making the time for me. it'll be hard to commit to it when i don't have to consider anyone else, it's easier to compromise my own plans if something else comes up. but i really want to do this, so i hope it works out. selecting the films will also be hard, i've discovered that movies at the screening room are a bit of a crap-shoot. sometimes they're fantastic and other times they suck. i hope i don't waste many visits on crappy movies.

i've also decided to window-shop at EVERY store on princess street (starting at barrie). to basically go in, look around then leave again. i realize that's weird, but i haven't been in most of the stores down there, and well... it's something worth exploring. not quite sure how long it'll take to check out roughly 50+ shops, so i think i'll have to use two saturdays – you know, pan down each side of the street on separate days. i think i'll spend the rest of my days doing peculiar, nonsensical things just for kicks.

every time i blink i have a tiny dream.

copper

this afternoon i took a stained-glass making class. it was really neat! at first it was really hard, i'm not really strong enough to make a good cut into the glass and i was thinking "man, i suck at this". but i got the hang of it, and really it didn't matter because you use a machine to smooth it out anyway. i made a butterfly. i really like it. i'd never used a sauder gun before, it was pretty cool.

i was surprised by my fellow classmates. they were all above 50 and most of them were men. i really didn't expect that at all. i'm not sure what's typical, maybe it was just my group. everyone was really friendly, although they liked to make jokes about birds and tools. i'm not really used to sexual jokes from seniors.

one of the men told me i should settle down soon. i let it bounce right off me, i'm getting used to comments like that and know i face a lifetime of hearing it. i don't really mind anymore. i think i've mourned and have moved on, now i know that i'm different, and i'm happy to be so. however, his comment got me thinking about people "settling down" because it's "time". it seems like such a bizarre concept. no one should "settle down" because they're "supposed to". that's really sad! where did these rules come from!?!? who has the right to impose a scheduled timeline onto someone ELSE'S life! several years ago, i took advantage of sleeping in on saturdays until 2 or 3 pm. this was generally frowned upon by just about everyone i knew, although melinda was pretty understanding about it, it just inconvenienced her as my housemate. but i don't do that anymore, i've grown out of that stage, but i'm so glad that i had that chance. my point is, i don't think people should be forced to be a certain way just because that's the norm (when i say this, i obviously am not referring to morality or parenting).

yikes! look at the time, terrence and helen are going to be here in 45 minutes and i need to clean my house.

i am thirty-two flavors and then some.

spector

as i lay on my balcony floor this afternoon, i wore a halter top and jeans. it was warm, with minimal breeze. it's funny to think that less than two weeks ago i was stranded in nunavut because of a snow storm. life is bizarre, and i love it :)

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl.

placebo

i'm a good investigator, and i get a little thrill when i put the pieces together correctly.

i had to get a new gas tank in the batmobile today. ugh. i seriously considered just riding it out with the existing one, but decided it was worth replacing even just for the peace of mind.

sometimes i'm amazed.

the price of gas keeps on rising.

some robots came by excitedly, leaving five hamsters quietly jumping

my first night of jotting down my dreams was very interesting. i had at least 4 different dreams – all still quite clear in my mind when i woke up to go to pee at 5 am, but they began to vanish within seconds so i had to quickly write them down.

i was informed today that i get to go on a business trip to montreal in may. i'm very excited because i've been wanting to go to there, and i was determined this was the year to do it. i leave on a tuesday, and my business there concludes on the friday, but i've decided to stay in a hostel that night and come home late saturday night. how exciting, a 4 day trip to montreal AND my first time staying in a hostel. i'm loving this year of doing things i've never done before. what a fantastic idea that was!

i've reopened my balcony for business. i got my green camper chair set up out there, my little rug, and my pots in place. this was also the day i decided to let the cats out there for the first time. it's such an awesome space, it's seriously my favourite place to be. standing out on my huge balcony was a bizarre sensation because it feels like i'm some place i've been absent from for a long time, and yet it's my house! where i've been pretty much every day for the last two years!

i have this problem where i can't open my tea-ball. it's stuck or too tight or too damp, and i can't twist it open. it's very frustrating because i badly needed a cup of monks blend this evening, and was forced to make it in a small teapot and use a strainer. i guess it worked ok, but it's just annoying not being about to open it with my little weak hands.

i stole some tea from your house.

sometimes you know more is less.

metaphor

i've been blacklisted.

there's something wrong with my car. it appears to be leaking gasoline. uh-oh. my batmobile is kind of unusual, you need a tetanus shot from just looking at it.

it seems another 3 months has past, because it's time for me to get my oil changed AND it's time for another hatch. brenda came over to discuss the content and give me some instructions. while she was here we got talking about dreams, and she mentioned that she's started a dream journal. it's a really cool concept and i think i'm going to give it a try.

i'm also trying this new thing where i don't eat my dinner in front of the tv. while i was at beckie's place we sat at the table like civilized people, i liked it. it seems kind of weird to just sit alone at the table when i could be watching the tv, but i'd like to behave like a sophisticated lady instead of an adolescent boy.

exciting news! as usual, upon the completion of one vacation, i begin thinking about my next one. today i started making plans to go to australia in 2009. i'm quite excited even though i'm not going until november '09, that's a long way off. but whatever, it's still fun to have something to plan for and work towards. i just hope nothing will put a kink in my plans, i've seen vacation plans disintegrate when they're not in the near future.

i got a letter from canadian blood services in the mail. it thanked me for helping save the lives of three people. you know what would be cool... if they'd tell me which three people i helped save. maybe i'd like to know who i'm blood-brothers with. just a thought. maybe i should write them a letter in response and suggest it.

ok, i'm gonna go find a piece of paper to place at my bedside as a makeshift dream journal until i purchase an actual book.

they said, "which one is different? it does not belong".
they taught me different is wrong.

neanderthal

it's very bizarre to realize that i've spent most of my life fighting against normality, and yet still feel uncomfortable being an outsider. this is the bed i've made. i'm a freak. i chose this for myself and it's time i got used to it. i think i can. it's just a new concept to realize that i'm going to spend my life feeling like an odd ball. i won't ever be able to relate. my input and advise to others will be limited, that bothers me. i like to be helpful. it makes me feel childish, like everyone else is growing older while i stay the same age. but it's ok. at least i know this, sometimes i feel i could handle anything as long as i know what i'm dealing with. i'll get into the swing of things. that makes me happy. no scratch that, it makes me even happier. and i smirk.

hm.

my life feels like a lovely collage. darks and lights. i'm a gradation, a sliding scale, i can see both ends of the spectrum. it's kind of confusing. i feel neither this nor that. it's almost alarming, as though i'm incapable of feeling anything. i don't think that's true. i'm just caught in between. regardless of whether or not i THINK i should feel something... i just don't, and i like that a lot. i just feel good. content. and that's good enough.

it's a collage. my mind is a collage. and all of you are the subjects.

i don't know what i knew before,
but now i know i wanna win the war.

neutral

i'm crazy in love with summer. passionately and satisfyingly. however, spring is my season. i can't fully explain it. spring is the season i feel most alive in. i think it's because my heart begins to reawaken. my senses are poised for what is to come.

my pride lies panting on the floor.

so much present inside my present.

c

i worked today to make up for one of the three days i missed this week. how i'll account for the others is yet to be decided. i wasn't pleased about working a saturday, but it turned out pretty well. i wore the most comfy and work-inappropriate clothes i could find, and blared my music instead of listening on headphones. it was great. very liberating. equal to the freedom of walking around your own home in the buff. i kind of wish i had the entire office to myself EVERY day, it was probably my most productive work day in recent history.

when melinda and i went to pei last summer she wore a night mask all the time. i was finding it difficult to sleep, so i dug thru my cupboards and found an night mask that came part of a travel kit, and i started wearing it to bed too. my plan was to only wear it in the mornings when light streams thru the windows, but i've grown extremely attached to my mask that i wear it all night long. it was very handy to have up north, but i'm finding wearing it here at home more difficult. i wake up in the night and it's absent from my face and i mumble aloud "where's my mask? where's my mask?" often one of the cats had snatched is away. i don't like that. if forced to decide between my mask and my cats sleeping in my room, i'm going to pick the mask. melinda's is purple, mine is silver. i love it, it makes me feel like audrey hepburn or carrie bradshaw. nice.

russian is a very complicated language.

the truth lies.

crock

it was back to work today, and all went fairly well. i was hassled a small bit about missing 3 days, i felt kind of manipulated, but frank told me to just shrug it off, and that's what i'm going to do. the morning went slowly and i found myself looking at the clock more than necessary. i realized i usually spend much of my day glancing at the clock at the top of my screen, and i don't like that. anything i do compulsively and excessively is not good. so i decided to remove the clock from my taskbar and i felt much better for the rest of the day. it made it feel more like a regular day where i can get lost in my work instead of doing time.

i feel like i'm growing into my adult teeth. while i was away i discovered the delight of HOT tea instead of lukewarm tea. it's delicious and it doesn't burn my tongue like i thought it would. i also realized that big mugs take longer to drink and therefore the tea is cold when i get more than halfway down. so after work i decided to swing by dansk to buy a new work mug. i wanted something nice and snazzy, but also inexpensive. they had a VERY limited selection there, however, they did have plain white teacups with matching saucers. and i've been wanting a cup and saucer for some times now, so i bought one for $1.99. i'm quite excited and look forward to drinking out of it tomorrow :D

i'm currently uploading a crap-load of photos right now, it's taking forever. and they don't include beckie's photos which are really nice, so i think once these are done i'll go to bed and upload the devious ones tomorrow. for now... click here.

beck got me hooked on the show "weeds". she had the first season on dvd and i stayed up until 3 am watching it one night. so this evening i rented disc one of season two. if you enjoy shows that pushes the envelope, i strongly suggest renting this one from your local video store. but i must warn you, it was a series made for showtime, so it's incredibly uncensored. it's not for the faint of heart. it's definitely made my jaw drop more than once.

if i didn't know any better, i'd think you like to sneak back into my subconscious whenever i forget about you.

and you say "yeah, but why so cold, and so canadian".

taima

I'M BACK!

the winds of time were in my favour this morning and after a delay and a near missed connection i made it back to ottawa. hurray!

well, i've kept you updated about my travel perils, but i suppose i've told you little about my actual trip. above is a photo of me on during an afternoon activity of hiking up a large hill. this is not to be confused with my hike up duval (i'm going to be posting my photos on flickr tomorrow, you'll see duval pics then). i have to admit, even though i love the spring and i was exciting when i saw trees as we flew above ottawa... i miss the mountains, and when i look at this photo i feel excited because i think "there's kim and aus's house!" i had a really great time, it was grand adventure, a lovely escape, and a restful recess. i feel recharged and i don't mind the idea of going into work tomorrow, or of working on saturday.

i think i may have developed a liking for manicures, and it got me into some trouble.

she had a mark on her neck that closely resembled a hickey. hmm.

i hope i can transition back into my normal life without becoming too overwhelmed. i'm a little afraid i'll find myself back in the deep-end, drowning in kingston before i get my bearings. i hope not. i've learned a lot from my trip, from the surroundings, and from beckie, and i'd like to apply it all to my life. i'm very glad i had the opportunity to experience the north :)

i'm looking forward to seeing you all and getting caught up on everything :)

see what you want to see.
you should see it all.

dash

i finished my shrug this evening. you know... make good use of my time and all. at first i wasn't sure what i thought of it, but now that i've been wearing it for a couple hours, i really like it. it makes me feel super sexy.

it's highly possible that i'm leaving for ontario tomorrow, but as i've learned, nothing in life is certain. so i won't put to much faith in first air.

aside from the 3 day delay in arriving, and the 4 day delay in departing, i've had a lovely time. hahahaha. what a nutty time it's been. quite an adventure in more ways than one. that being said, i'm looking forward to spring in kingston, and to not wearing winter boots until next november.

i've been thinking on how quickly i adjust to places and locations. after a matter of days i'd adjusted to my surroundings here in pang and felt perfectly at home. it feels completely natural being here, as though i've always been and always will be (but let's hope not). i've felt this way before, on other trips, in other surroundings. i wonder if everyone is as versatile. i feel like i slip into experiences as one slips into the tub. i think my ability to be "all there" may make me more trusting than some. i'm not hesitant and i'm not anxious. hm.... thoughts to think about further.

sometimes because i'm technically unattached to my friends and family, i doubt my significance in their lives. several people told me they'd miss me while i'm away, and i can't help but feel that after enough time i'd be forgotten. well... not forgotten exactly, people would remember me fondly, but i wouldn't be missed after the initial adjustment period, and that makes me sad. however, then i got thinking about people who i know who've moved away or grown apart from and i still miss them. so maybe i'm not as dispensable as i feel sometimes.

man, i've got to go eat some lime tositos now. that was the worse use of 7 bux ever. melinder – i wish you were here to eat them.

i'll bring the sun to you when i come.

nauseous

my second attempt to leave pang has failed. i'm going to try again tonight. and probably again tomorrow. the prognosis is not good.

i miss you guys.

exit

my flight home today was canceled due to weather. this is the first day of poor weather since i've been here. i find it ironic, beckie says its just the north. at least this time i'm stranded in pang.

it's ok, i'm just disappointed that i'm having to use more vacation days. i'm currently scheduled for monday morning. i should be back in ktown that evening.

in the meantime, here are some of beckie's photos:
this is one of me and beck mid-way up duval.

and this is one of me on a ski-doo at yesterday's spring picnic.
it was only -2º!

hope you're all well. i need to go call my parents, then play some boggle :)

i've been stranded in the combat zone

mandolin

i'd never climbed a mountain before. not even in the summer, but we'd been invited along with beckie's friend mike to climb mount duval. we accepted his invitation and decided to go on beck's 30th birthday.

as we headed out, climbing the first of many false summits (i believe there are 13 in total), we were pooped, and all three of us were secretly thinking "i don't want to do this", but we carried on. i was hopeful that once i built up some momentum it would get easier.

i was dressed in full winter gear, snow pants, parka, toque, seal skin mitts, many layers, but quickly discovered that along with getting really hot and sweaty from climbing, it was also a fantastic day out (a high of -13º). so i tried to peel back my layers as much as i could.

as we climbed the town below got smaller and smaller, while duval seemed to get larger and larger. the trip was estimated to take 3 hours to reach the inukshuk at the top, then 1 hour to slide down. i was worried that my tiny bladder couldn't hold out that long, but it did, even though it actually look us closer to 5 hrs to climb, and an hour and a half to come down.

as i've said before, the artic is beautiful, as we sat on the ridge eating peanut butter sandwiches we could see for miles this expansive wilderness. it's enough to blow your mind. what a privilege it is to sit and take in such a view.

beckie is a clever girl, who pleasantly surprises me at every turn. i was so delighted at lunch time when she took out a thermos full of hot tea. i've never had such a lovely cup of tea in all my life. however, she only gave me one cup full and promised me another one when we reached the top. i swear, at times, that cup of tea was the only thing spurring me forward. i hit the wall so close to the top and i was ready to quit and climb back down, but beckie had new found motivation and kept plowing ahead. mike kept telling me "you can't just climb 90% of a mountain, you've come so far, don't quit now!", so i plowed on, knowing a cup of tea was waiting for me. it was like a carrot before me. thankfully, i remembered i had my ipod in my pocket, i pulled it out and danced & strutted the rest of my way.

when we finally reached the top, the view was unparalleled and worth every step.

at the true summit, i drank my cup of triumphant tea and beckie flashed the artic. we figured that was excellent way to usher in her thirties. i'm pretty proud of her, fricking awesome. i can't imagine a better way to celebrate one's 30th birthday. i've got less than 2 years to come up with something cool.

we slid down the mountain on our bums, riding the snow like waves. it was amazing to think sections that had taken 20 minutes to climb had only taken 20 seconds to slide down.

we arrived back at beckie's place in time to cook a big meal for 14 people. everyone had been invited for a fancy, semi-formal dinner. it went very smoothly and was also lots of fun. by the end of the evening tho, we were both quite pooped. sore, tired, and our faces were sunburnt! i never expected to get a sunburn in the artic. at first i thought it was nice to have some colour in my skin again, but now the burn looks blotchy and there's some distinct tan lines from my sunglasses.

pictures to follow shortly. i should be home late late saturday night barring any storms or mishaps.

i run to the rock

toes

sometimes when several days go by between entries i don't know where to start or what to say. there's obviously a lot to say and i don't know where to begin other than... i'm having a very nice time, it's been really relaxing and enjoyable. we've been cross-country skiing a couple times, i've been on a ski-doo ride around the fjord, we sat in a real-live igloo, we've been to several dinner parties. we've also chilled, i've been reading, knitting and watching movies. very relaxing :)

the artic is extremely beautiful. it's vast and dominating. i look up at the mountains or across the fjord and realize how tiny i am in comparison. everything has the illusion of being small (or at least not humongous) when actually they're deceivingly large.

i like being exposed to this other side of canada. part of me feels like i'm seeing my country for the first time. this is what the rest of the world imagines when they think of canada, it almost feels like my part of it isn't actually it's true self. i also like seeing this part of beckie's life. i've heard so much about it for the last year & a half, and now i get to see the things, and meet the people, she's been talking about. there's definitely part of me that understands her draw to this place.

one of my favourite things about my time in iqaluit was waking up each day thinking "maybe this is the day i'll make it to pang". actually, that thought existed for two days previous to iqaluit, however, there's something amazing and lovely about beginning each day with a new sense of hope. to breathe in and out the aura of possibility. how wonderful, regardless of how painfully frustrating it can be.

i love beckie's dogs. and i love that they remember me and jumped around in excitement when i arrived.

i don't think this entry does anything justice. similar to the photos i've taken, they just don't fully represent magnitude their subjects.

we will never grow cold only taciturn.

hurray!

i'm here!
i made it!

hold-steady

this is day two of me being alone in the artic. i got up early this morning to walk down to the airport to put my name on the standby list, and there were TWO people already on the list before me. so i was third out of 17 which isn't bad but not good. i spoke with the manager about them providing a charter trip thru a small plane company, she talked to them about it and they're trying to get that arranged for tomorrow morning. so hopefully, i'll either get on tomorrow's regular flight to pang via the standby list, or will make it there on a charter flight. HERE'S HOPING! keep your fingers crossed...

you know, i find it bizarre that we keep our fingers crossed to wish other people luck and cross our fingers to tell a lie. strange.

well i've finished one book and almost finished a second one. good thing i brought so much reading material, i almost didn't, it seemed a little excessive since i was going to be busy doing lots of cool things :p right now i'm reading "at a loss for words" by diane schoemperlen. i love her books, she write in such a personal manner. she write such mundane details that just fascinate me. actually, i find her writing style very similar to my own. this book has no character names, much like a story i wrote for hatch once.

the food, along with everything else in iqaluit, is extremely expensive so i can barely afford dinner with the 25 dollar voucher they gave me.

after lunch i visited the nunavut legislature and an art gallery. i walked to one of the highest points on iqaluit to over look the city. as irony would have it, my walk coincided with watching the plane to pang take off. i watched it go, feeling remorseful, but after that brief moment i told myself "chin up and carry on". and i did. my favourite part of my walk was when i passed a house that had a polar bear skin drying on a stand in the driveway. i'm SO not in kingston anymore.

i've been taking a lot of photos and went to a little cafe called "fantasy palace" which beckie and i agree sounds like a strip club - but it isn't. i haven't taken any photos of my hotel room, i realized that i've been fortunate enough to stay in several nice hotels in recent years (usually on company dollar, but now also on first air's), and the novelty of it has worn off. i like these hotels and i'm very thankfully and i kind of like that i've grown so accustomed to these hotels that they feel comfortable and old-hat.

it feels funny being a minorty in canada, funny in a good way. i'm a little self-conscious of being a white girl, i'm clearly not from around here.

well i'm gonna head out to north-mart now and by some snacks for my evening in watching satellite tv in my room. all in all, this has not been my worst vacation, i'm enjoying this trip regardless of the mishap.

frobisher

my flight got further delayed yesterday, approximately 3 times. then when we finally boarded, we waited about 20 minutes before they announced that there was a mechanical problem with the left engine and the flight was cancelled, and we all had to disembark. i was obviously upset, but i tried to remain calm and not panic about the large sum of money i'd dropped on a non-refundable ticket. thankfully, they put me up for the night in ottawa in the best western victoria suites, paid for my dinner and my taxi from and to the airport, AND booked me on this morning's flight. SO after muchado, i am currently IN nunavut, IN iqaluit, IN the public library. AND in quite good spirits. i discovered thru this what a calm and laid back person i am. TRUE i very reactionary, but that's because i'm dramatic. BUT regardless of that, i'm pretty chilled and i go with the flow quite easily. i concluded that being upset or angry about it wasn't going to help anything, and they'd done their best to provide for my needs, which i really appreciated, and so i was going to make the most of it. besides, i'd rather have the flight cancelled than take off in a faulty plane.

plus, this is my year of doing things i've never done before, and i'd never had a flight cancelled before, so that's something to scratch off my list.

while i was at the airport yesterday i got a 10-minute manicure. i'd never had a manicure before. i got dark brown nail polish. i feel swanky (even though having dark nails kind of weirds me out). another first :)

so, now for the bad news... i'm on stand-by tomorrow (along with another 10 people), and stand-by on friday, but booked for saturday. SO i may be looking at another 3 days in iqaluit, and honestly, after going to the museum and the visitor's centre, i'm pretty sure i've done everything in town, so i'd REALLY like to get out of here tomorrow. i'd appreciate it if you guys could pray about that for me.

it's pretty beautiful here and i'm enjoying wearing my snowpants. as i walked along the sunny sidewalk i was smiling so much my face hurt. i'm pretty lucky to be here, and i know that. i'm going to enjoy my stay, i just hope it's not very long.

i feel like i'm in another country. it's cool.

earl grey

well... my flight has been delayed until early afternoon so we're not leaving for ottawa until tomorrow morning. we were all set, ready to go, when i decided to check my voicemail messages. i'm so glad i did because there was one from the airline telling me about the delay. i was a TINY bit disappointed because i was in go mode, but it's ok because i'm saving money by staying at home tonight and i like sleeping in my own bed. this sort of thing has happened to me a lot so i wasn't surprised. last time i went to the UK my flight was delayed 24 hours.

i haven't much to say really other than that, so i'm going to go to bed.

open your eyes,
put it in drive,
get on the road and just go.

indeed

before 8 am this morning, i'd done three things i'd never done before: 1) go to a sunrise easter service, 2) see the sunrise, 3) make coffee. i'd never made coffee before!?!?! and i did a good job! i had to ground the beans and everything!!!! :D

i originally didn't want to go to the sunrise service, i'm not a morning person and the thought of getting up, to be at murney's tower for 6:15 made me a little ill. however, i decided that when i look back i won't remember yet another sleep-in, but i will remember the sunrise easter service. i'm really glad i went, it was really phenomenal. chelsea and i spent yesterday baking for the after-service breakfast. i was the sou chef to her chefness. it was fun.

i head out tomorrow on yet another adventure. i'm really excited. adventure is good for my soul. i have to work in the day time, then my dad is giving me a drive to ottawa and i'll get a motel, then catch my flight early tuesday morning. i don't know if i'll blog while i'm away. i'll have internet access at beck's place, but i think i'll limit my computer usage and make the most of my time there, or at least make the most of my relaxation-time. i usually don't miss the internet while i'm away from it. besides, i'm taking 4 books that i want to read, some knitting and crocheting.

using google earth, i'd like to show you were i'm going.
first of all, on this image you'll notice beside greenland a red square, this indicates where i'm going.

lastly, this view is a close-up of beckie's town
(please note: this time of year, all the water – fjord –
is frozen so it'll be different than this image)
for actual photos, i'd like to refer you to the flickr account
of miss devious stares herself.

while i'm away basia bulat is coming to ktown. i'm very disappointed to be missing her show. if anyone of you go, could you please pick me up a copy of her cd? i'll pay you back.

even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear

heist

it was cold. we stood around in the park in the dark. we walked sometimes too. he tied a string to my finger to remind me that i'll forget. too often i forget. too quickly i forget. i hate that i forget, that i'm so temperamental.

i am not invisible. i am sometimes the darkness, but i am not unseen. i am known. each and every part of me. i forget this too. my brain is just so cluttered that the most basic and essential things get pushed out.

may i no longer be distracted.

you've been the only thing that's right in all i've done.

elvis

i had the most hilarious conversation with joelle last night (she's 4 and a half – keep this in mind). totally out of the blue....
joelle: auntie lesley.... why don't you marry granddad?
auntie lesley: hahaha, joelle, granddad is my dad. i can't marry my dad!
joelle: well.... who are you going to marry when you grow-up?
auntie lesley: i haven't decided yet. hahahaha
oh my goodness, that totally cracked me up. haha. she's clearly grasping SOME concepts of marriage, but doesn't fully understand it. my favourite part was the "when you grow-up" bit. i love that i don't seem like a grown-up to her, because i don't feel like one.

i'm a rubik's cube.

what time has taken,
passion has kept.

icy

well, in keeping with my year of doing things i've never done before, i went to taco bell for lunch. i'd never been there before. however, after doing so, i concluded that it was something i could've done without. BUT it's done nonetheless and now i know so i feel good about that. yay for doing new things!

i love keeping secrets. i can feel them in my mouth when i hold my tongue. it's extremely satisfying.

i've realized something. i'm a pretty typical youngest sibling, that's shaped me more than i knew. i'm a strong willed girl who learned to keep the peace by being compliant with her older and also strong willed sister. joy thanked me tonight for being so accommodating as a kid and apologized for being so bossy. i think having her always there to take care of me developed an expectation and desire to be taken care of. which is kind of a relief to understand about myself. it bothers me that it's such an uphill battle for me to take care of myself, but that's because i'm so not used to it! i was a tiny bit spoiled that way. i'm the youngest daughter, but in some senses i was the only child in a two parent family.

some things are better left unsaid,
but they still turn me inside out.

picture

i stayed home sick today. my stomach has been bothering me since yesterday afternoon and i felt on the verge of throwing up when my alarm went off. it's been a quiet day of knitting, watching the t.v. and reading my post secret book. late afternoon i decided i would watch elizabethtown. i love that movie. it made me smile a lot, i especially like the scenes of him in the car, because i totally do that. i used to hate being sick all alone, it felt weird and isolating, but not anymore, i've gotten used to it.

i did think of something to send in to post secret, but i'm not gonna. putting it in writing only makes it real and i want some day for it not to be. i'm not going to cement it into my life in that way. reading my post secret book made me realize something; it's not what we regret when we die that matters, because when we die nothing will matter. it's what we regret while we live that's important. and right now.... i regret nothing.

she finally understands what i've been feeling all these years. she saw it with her own eyes. in a way it's nice to be validated, but at the same time... it validates it, which is harder than believing it's all in my head.

i dreamt about crocheting last night. when i woke up i decided that after i knit my shrug (and possibly a pair of sox if i decide i just need an easy portable knitting project for the north), that i'm going to crochet something. perhaps an afghan. or what's another easy project?

those who risk... win.

robot

it's bittersweet.

ahhh! the count-down is on! i leave in one week today! i swear the arctic is going to melt as soon as i get there from all the hot pink. along with my hot pink long-johns, and my hot pint snow pants, frank has lent me a hot pink winter sleeping bag that belonged to his daughter and she only used twice. i'm really excited because beckie's suggested we go winter camping! and i've never been winter camping before. there is a good reason for that... i've never wanted to do it before, however i'm pretty much up for anything these days and i'm uber excited. i'm thinking about getting a big sheet of chart paper and sticking it up on my wall of things to do, then crossing them off as i complete them. nah, not really, but that would be funny to me. anyways, back to the winter camping topic... i have a really small bladder and i'm not exactly sure what a person does when she's camping in -40º weather and has to pee. well i guess i'll find out. i'm not one to shy away from a challenge, well at least i'm not usually. i'm pretty determined when i put my mind to something.

oh my goodness, i can't believe i'm excited about going someplace SO COLD! i'm excited about seeing beck too, that's definitely part of it. and the elation of not being at work.

i realized today that i haven't been tobogganing in 10 years. my parents still talk about the time when i almost died while sledding. "hey jan... do you remember the time...." haha. i remember that incident, but it's much different in my recollection.

i walked to the post-office this evening to mail out a copy of hatch. when i was there i laid the latest issue on the counter as i addressed the envelope. after i paid, i remembered that the guy who works at the post-office (the same guy who served me) was the poor owner of the car on fire on the cover of the winter edition. i hope he didn't recognize the photo! poor guy!

when my soul was in the lost-and-found
you came along to claim it.

lick

rach was telling us a story tonight at living room and someone, i don't remember who said "wow, he sounds very dramantic" i totally love that word! dramantic! it's excellent. i'm gonna stick that one in my pocket, it'll come in handy a lot. i'm a dramantic person for sure.

kate tells me i'm deranged. i just may be.

david was in town and i spent a very lovely (but short) afternoon with him. it was really nice to see him, it was the first opportunity since november, which is why he only gave me my birthday gift today. it's actually closer to his birthday than mine! he gave me a copy of the post secret book. which is awesome because he knows how much i love postcards and secrets :p i'm tempted to go read it in a nice relaxing bath, i wonder if i'd drop it in the water. i don't wanna take that chance. that's a picture of me and him if you haven't already figured that out.

sometimes i wish i had a confession to reveal on post secret but i just can't think of anything.

it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for,
we'll never find it, because it's not even there.

subtle teas

i accidentally vacuumed up a lighter.

i'm right in the middle. however, i don't think i fully grasp it.

while i sat in the goat this afternoon i was forced to listen to some young early 20s girls talking. it was distracting because they were loud, but i was astounded by what they were saying. i felt embarrassed for them. i was struck by how they seemed to truly believe what they were saying a new concept, completely original and everyone else is so stupid. even though i'm only about half a decade older than them, they seemed so young. i remember being that young, that bright-eyed, thinking i had everything figured out. the older people get the less they know – i'd like to see those girls in 5 years time.

i guess sometimes i forget.

i love the ginsu knives, i love the garden gnomes,
i love the way the people decorate their homes.
i love the ovens and the casseroles they bake,
i love the things that people make.

sharp

hot pink! everything is hot pink.

after going to several stores i managed to find the only and only pair of long-johns left in this city. the were only 3 dollars at giant tiger (score!) and they're hot pink (right on!). but... it doesn't end there... i proceeded to go to value village and found an awesome pair of hot pink snow pants! hurray! i'm so pleased. i'll be able to use them when i go skiing next year :( david can't do skiing this weekend, but he's going to be in town so i get to see him anyways, so i'm happy about that at least. oh well, my dreams of going skiing this annum have disintegrated, but that's ok because march will be a month of lots of cool & exciting things. like hot pink underclothes.

i think it's really funny that bowling balls are not permitted as carry-on luggage. but thankfully parachutes are. ref

you try making me wait,
but it feels alright as long as something's happening.

snowpants

it never occurred to me that my decisions that have been different to hers were perceived as a direct insult. i can't even fathom how she came to that conclusion. it's not that those choices aren't good enough for me, it's just that i'm different. i'm sad that she misunderstood me, but sometimes an apology just makes things worse. they can be more hurtful. i don't know how to mend the damage.

my mom, on the other hand, is more like me than she realized. we are in fact cut from the same cloth. we are souvenirs of the same experiences in a different order. i slipped and fell on the ice in front of her house. my laundry basket fell from my arms and my balled-up sox rolled all over the road. from her front window she watched me fall, and came out to help me. i skinned my knee. i scraped my hand. my mom helped put me back on my feet again in more ways than one.

whatever differences our lives have been
we together make a limb.

less

there's a lot to be done in the next two weeks. and i get overwhelmed easily. i cherished this evening as my only free night until next week when i'll get another before loads of more busy nights.

his thick american accent made it difficult to understand what he was saying. he made me blush repeatedly. i hate that.

i'm really hoping that they'll do away with daylight savings time. they don't have it in saskatchewan or cuba, so why not do away with it here too! on saturday night jo and i enjoyed a lovely evening at the butlers. i hadn't seen them since december, it was really great hanging out with them. i appreciate the open invitation to crash their place any time. i didn't get home until 1 am, which turned out to be 2 am. stupid changing the clocks. like really, is it actually necessary? we only did it for about 3 and a bit months, why bother.

some day i'll look back and think how incredibly young and stupid i am right now. and how i thought i was getting "so old".

i think i'm suffocating.

i might make it and when i do i might grow up a little bit.

vanishing

man, this day was all over the charts, but thankfully it ended on a good note.

i went to my second bored meeting tonight, this time i was the only girl because the others were away. i loved that at one point i got all chocked up in a room of 6 men and had to explain that i'm pmsing & really emotional right now. hahaha. they were really good about it, as i expected or i wouldn't have told them that. my display of estrogen definitely made up for the lack of other women. haha. however, i must admit something must be done about my pms prompted mood-swings. does anyone know of any kind of herbal teas or something that can help mitigate them? i'm not sure if they're more sever than other girls, but i'm a very emotionally charged person, i feel everything deeply and i'm usually quite impassioned, so i'm sure that plays a role in my pms.

i went to get my taxes done today. i love getting my taxes done, it's fun :) i really like my accountant, he kind of reminds me of harold from "the red green show". i've decided that i'm going to buy a dvd player with my some of my return. i do have a dvd player in my computer, but my bedroom set-up isn't very conducive to having guest for movie watching. and well even tho i don't like buying things i don't need but i can justify it when i've come into some money.

I'M GETTING REALLY EXCITED! i leave for vacation in 2 weeks today! kind of funny tho that the place i'm vacationing was -27º today :p

i got an email from a friend today that she'd sent to a bunch of people asking everyone to describe her in one word. it was kind of neat. i thought of doing it too, but instead, by way of this story, i'm asking you to post one word that describes me in the comments section. and in return i'll post one word for you! deal?

all you see is where else you could be.

charge

chivalry is not dead, it's just rare. and a girl cannot count on it being there when she needs some help. i hate shoveling. it's hard work for the best of them, but especially hard for me because i'm not very strong. i'm not a small girl, nor am i particularly delicate, but i'm not big and i'm not sturdy, which makes shoveling extra hard.

i didn't want to do it, but there are things i hate doing that have to get done and i need to be able to do it. i need to rise to the challenge and be equipped to take care of myself. i did manage to shovel my driveway all by myself. here's pic. unfortunately it's not as impressive as it actually was. although, my snow bank is higher than my car. i feel pretty proud of myself, and no doubt i'll feel sore tomorrow.

the other night after storytellers garry and todd offered to push my car out of the snow pile. i kept insisting that i didn't need their help, it must have been annoying and very snotty of me. i did appreciate the offer, but i need to be able to get out of those situations on my own. i guess i should have just told them that instead of declaring i was accepting their help against my will. man, it's scary when i think of the difference between my intent and my behaviour. i wish my mind was more transparent.

while i had my camera out i took this photo of my bruised arm. it doesn't look as awesome as it does in person, but i thought i'd just snap a picture anyway. there's some foreshortening going on here. i swear my arm is longer.

i'm torn between two train of thoughts. i'm so confused and i don't know where i'll land. am i more or less capable than i think i am? am i going to be ok or not? am i lonely or do i have too many people in my life? should i get housemates eventually or should i always live alone? should i cut my hair or keep growing it? i just don't know anything anymore. oh give me something i know unswervingly.

i'm really not a bad person.

i always lose in the end.

do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl.

chopper

i was chatting with rach today at michelle's pampered chef party about something i realized most people don't know/understand about me: i'm SHY!

i know most people don't realize this about me because for all appearances i don't seem to be shy, but i am. the thing is, i'm well practiced at social interaction. i can typically make conversation with just about anyone, i can talk an ear off any ole stranger, but it's not because it comes naturally to me. it's actually quite hard! i usually ramble when i feel most uncomfortable, it masks my insecurities. this can also give the wrong impression that i'm not shy.

shyness has and will remain to be one of my biggest hurdles. a lot of my past decision were made directly or indirectly because of it. part of me is afraid that i'll live in kingston my entire life because my last experience of moving away was so painful. don't get me wrong, i love kingston, but i don't want to live here only because i'm too shy to go some place else. there are so many things i wish i could go back and change, and i'm afraid i'll regret some of the decisions i'm currently making. i'm missing out on the things i want to be doing.

so when i'm weird, awkward, clumsy, tense, or inappropriate, if i skip out on social events or chicken out of activities, please excuse me. because i'm already feeling terrible about it.

my internet is wonky today. i think it's from the bad weather.

it's been a long long winter,
don't remember them this cold.

guacamole

i think perhaps i think too much.

there are things i want to say to you.

like.

i'm the worst pet-sitter ever. i feel especially guilty because rhonda gave me this really cool book for taking care of her dog.

i'm very excited because melissa asked me to make her another mixed cd :D

other stuff.

i'm trying to figure out who i am,
but there's no hand to hold.

akin

i feel frickin' fabulous.

i just returned from a fantastic walk around downtown, i'm pumped, i'm chilled, i'm flushed and it's great. i've gotta tell ya, this is amazing in contrast to the kind of day i was having about 4 hours ago. the knickers and i had our very first fight ever. needless to say it was a pretty crappy day. however, mid-afternoon i had to quickly run out to the guardhouse to drop something off and discovered what a marvelous day it was outside. i wished i'd gone walking at lunch time, and quickly decided i would walk this evening instead of ellipicating. and i'm so glad i did.

oh spring how i love thee. there's something utterly liberating about it. it makes me feel fresh and confident, sexy and invincible. i know this whether won't last, the forecast is calling for 25 to 30 cm of snow. but i will love it regardless, although it flirts with me ever so teasingly.

i think it's ironic that i'm so pumped by this spring-like day meanwhile i'm going to the artic in less than 3 weeks. that does seem quite peculiar. cold climate is definitely not my bag, but it's an experience of a life-time and i'm excited about high-tailing it outta here for some grand adventures.

i think my uber grotesque bruise is at it's peak right now. i have to say i quite enjoyed the reactions of my fellow storytellers last night when i pulled up my sleeve to show them. rachel's reaction of horror was especially amusing.

my plans for the rest of the evening involve me curled up reading my book. it's beginning to hook me and i'm looking forward to escaping into another world. i love that about books. sometimes i need that kind of distraction.

i look to you to see the truth.

domestic

i've been thinking about identity these days. self-identity. the elements that make up who i am. i've been especially thinking about parts of my identity that i'd like to break-ties with. things i no longer want to associate with me. sometimes it's hard to know what i acknowledge as myself and what things i've adopted from other people's perspective of me. i honestly don't know if i'll be able to disown all that i'd like to abandon. these things have a way of clinging to me against my will. all i know is that the time has come for me to shake off the things that so easily entangle me.

i am lesley. i am not categorized.

i think i ate too much for dinner. i'm still full and it's four hours later.

no more singing in the woods.
no more singing in the car.
no more singing in the streets.
no more singing in the bars.
no more singing in the yard.
no more singing in the park.

mullet

i'm very excited. tonight andrew, shannon and i went to donate blood together for the very first time! it was very amusing. i don't know if i laughed so much because i'd just given away a pint of my blood and was perhaps light-headed or because the situation was humourous. we had to fill in all this paperwork, the only question i was able to answer 'yes' to was "are you feeling well today?" the rest were all no's. it made me feel like i've lived a very boring life. however, i'm not complaining about not having hepatitis. we all agreed the question about the monkey was quite surprising.

i liked when the nurse flicked my finger to get a blood sample. it felt like she'd snapped it with an elastic band.

well, for several minutes there, it looked as though i was going to be a failed blood donor. they stuck me in the left arm and dug around for a couple minutes. i quickly caught on to the fact that there was something wrong (thankfully i couldn't really feel anything, but i knew it was a bad sign). basically they told me i had bad veins, which kind of surprised me because usually i'm pretty much textbook at everything medical. however my mom has bad veins, so the nurse figured i get that from her. by the time they tried my right arm an & shan were already done and waiting in the "cafe" eating cookies. in the end they managed to hook-in and drain me quite quickly. it wasn't at all as bad as i thought it was going to be. i imagined that it would feel like they were vacuuming the blood out of my arm. it doesn't feel like that at all. it doesn't really feel like anything at all. when they were done i said to the nurse "hm, there seems to be quite a large bump here, is that normal?" it turns out it isn't and they gave me some ice and lots of sympathy. apparently i'm going to be horribly bruised tomorrow. that's ok, i kind of like bruises, it'll be like a souvenir. i would definitely go again.

i was telling an & shan about how i want to branch out and stop just sitting on my ass expecting to do stuff down the road. if i want to experience life i need to do it now! i need to stop putting off until tomorrow what i can be doing today. that's partly why i'm excited that i donated blood tonight (aside from the obvious of helping save 3 people's lives), i'm happy that i did something new, something that scared me and it wasn't too bad. it was quite fulfilling.

may this be a year full of firsts and boldness.

we were gonna live it out.

intrepid

to my disappointment, my trip to pittsburgh got cancelled, or at least delayed. the vp we were going to have meetings with has to be in las vegas for contract negotiations so there's no point in going. oh well, it's not like i was super excited about going, i was actually annoyed about it interfering with my social life, and i didn't want to have to get up at 4 am to catch my flight. however, i was looking forward to at least feeling like i was DOING something with my time instead of the same-old same old. i fear the life unlived. i worry i won't be able to go skiing because i can't find anyone to go with. that upsets me because it's the story of my life. although d might come with me, but he wants to snowboard and i don't know if that'll work if i'm gonna ski. jo thinks it would, so maybe i shouldn't give up on that idea so quickly. i'm a little too fast to resign when facing difficulty. i don't have any ski clothes either. hm, this is getting overwhelming...

i think the secret to a good life is moderation. i'm still trying to get the hang of that, but when i listen to her speak it reeks of unbalance and it disturbs me. people who don't have a firm grasp on reality can be very convincing. it's easy to be swayed by them, to take on their outlook. i'm starting to realize that with certain people i need to filter what they say, and disregard the garbage. i stopped at joy's place to see liam on the way home tonight, i hadn't seen him since he was born. i had a good talk with her while i was there, and i left feeling so much better, she helped me regain perspective. liam's so little and has a super distinct nose, it's incredible, i've never seen a baby like that before. caleb seems huge compared to him. liam looks more like a mcknight baby i think.

do you ever find that you work for years to get to where you want to be and then when you arrive it makes you antsy being in one spot? that's how i get sometimes. i get restless. i've decided to allow myself the liberty of just doing what i want for the next little while. i won't burden myself with obligations, if i don't feel like vacuuming or doing dishes, i'm just not gonna do it. instead tonight i read my book. that was very enjoyable. it was very centering.

i've had enough of this thing for tonight. i'm gonna post this entry then shut down for the night. until tomorrow... stay fit and have fun.

surprises always help.

tongs

oh my goodness, i have this really good song stuck in my head and i can't for the life of me remember what song it is or who it's by. argh! i thought it was by the hot hot heat, but nope. i can only remember the first line, it's really annoying.

so i went to waterloo this weekend to go to melody's wedding shower and bachelorette party. i had a really good time. i'm glad i went and partly because it was nice doing something outside my normal world. i got a drive with her friend carolyn, she lives in belleville so i drove there then we went in her suv. it worked out really nicely and she's a really nice girl, we had no problems making conversation. i kind of like road-tripping with complete strangers. she's suggested i get a drive with them to the wedding too. at first i told her i wasn't sure because i was hoping to take someone as my date, but as i thought about it i can't see myself convincing my token gay friend to come as my date, and i think it's a little lame at this point to bring a girl-date, so i think i'll take carolyn up on the offer. it's not ideal, but it'll be fine. it fits with me embracing my circumstances and gives me a chance to overcome my complex.

one of melody's friends name is meredith leslie which is INCREDIBLY ironic because my name is lesley meredith. so trippy!

i don't go away for weekends very often, i think i'm kind of lazy, it's just easier staying at home. however, then i look back on my year to realize i haven't gone anywhere or done anything. this has got to change. in the car, carolyn and i got talking about skiing. i've never been. i would like to go skiing this winter, i need someone to come with me. anybody interested in tackling the bunny hills with me?!! i still have 3 weekends before i go to baffin, that's plenty of time. i also VOW that i'll go to montréal this summer. i've never been before and i think the time has come.

before i go to pittsburgh i need to invest with a decent manual toothbrush. i used a cheap, crappy one this weekend and now my gums hurt. i'm so pampered having an electric toothbrush.

i can't believe it's march already! wow.

God give me strength to bear this mighty freedom.