sunday night soul searching

i've been thinking a little about events and aspects of my life that currently define me. and things that used to, but don't anymore. 

my parents split up when i was ten. but it does not define me. it did at one point, but i feel like a lot of healing has taken place in me and within my relationships with my family members. and now being from "a broken home" more of a trivia fact than a defining experience. 

however, i would say that being raised my a single parent IS a defining experience. i am driven to be competent and capable, which is heavily influenced by having a helpless mom who depended on her kids (despite their young ages) to be her equal partners. although, i don't think this really kicked in until my mid-twenties. my strong desire for competence and capability is a combination of two things. it's like a door that became unlocked by first inserting the key (my family of origin), then turning the key (living alone as a single woman). through these two experiences i learned that i needed to be capable because there was no one else to help me. either i did something myself, or it didn't get done. 

in my early twenties i went through a life-altering break-up. i was changed, my relationship with my family was changed, my understanding of faith was changed, my understanding of relationships (friendships, romantic partners, community) was changed. while the break-up itself is less significant, because with hindsight i can see how misguided i was, and ill-fitting the relationship itself was. the outcome was VERY significant, because i didn't date again (officially) until brendan – 5.5 years later (breaking my 9 year non-stop dating streak). spending the majority of my 20s as a single, independent woman was very defining. 

it's unfortunate that the tail end of my career at bbd was so sour, because being a working professional is another strong and defining experience. it was not so much the work itself, but what i learned about myself, and what it gave me. after said break-up, i went through a very difficult depressive stage in my life (this lasted about a 1.5 years). my self-worth was very low. i was very isolated, having only 2 friends, and lacked the know-how, confidence and opportunities to make more. yet, at one point, i discovered that i was a different person at work. smart, friendly, with something to offer others. people depended on me, people turned to me for help. i was valued. my colleagues cared about me, and built me up (being all 30 years older than me, they each invested in me and loved me in different ways). i went from an apathetic high school student who flew under the radar, to a college kid who found something that made her feel excited enough to make an effort, to a growing and thriving adult who came into her own only to discover she wasn't a dud after all. 

there has been some debate among people who know me well, if i am a myers-briggs 'thinker' or 'feeler'. and i suppose i can understand why. especially after hearing my sister speak today at a seminar, i noticed a few key differences between she and i, that are quite telling. she talked about how she responded to discovering my dad had left. she shared that she fell to the ground in an emotional display, crying out to God. when i heard that, i tried to remember what i did or how i reacted. my experience was very different. i arrived home from school (alone, i don't know where joy was). as soon as i walked into the house, i could feel that something was different. as a result, my eyes went to our buffet cabinet, and the framed photo of joy and me was gone. and i knew that he'd taken it when he left. later, i remember sitting on my mom's lap, with my head against her chest, and i could see her chin quiver as she started to silently cry. i didn't know what to do, so i just sat there. i feel things, i just don't always show what i'm feeling. my feelings, especially my most vulnerable emotions, are very private. i'm not typically a demonstrative feeler. i'm a stone-waller. i'm emotionally reclusive. my feelings are largely unknown to my family (perhaps because they don't ask, but instead expect me just to volunteer). i dunno, maybe that's in response to having a very demonstrative older sister. or maybe i'm just like my father (thank you, prince...). i've been blogging for 12 years, and this is the closest i have ever gotten to writing about that break up and my recovery. a break-up so painful that i've summed it up in the past as a break-up that tore my heart out through my nose. i'm getting way off topic now. i think i'll just wrap this up here.

needless warnings

i was speaking with a 50-something woman the other day. someone i'm acquainted with, but i don't know her very well. when she found out i am 37, she warned me about what it would be like to have kids as an older mother. she herself had kids in her early 20s, but her parents were in their late 30s when she was born. she felt the generation gap between her and her parents was too big, and impose that and other things on me. i tried to politely listen, but countered every so often, with things like "brendan's in his twenties and he's not finding parenting any easier than i do". and "i'm sure i would've parented very differently in my 20s, but i think i'm doing a better job in my 30s than i would've when i was younger". "my parents were in their late 30s and it wasn't really an issue".

there's no right or wrong age. sure, there are more convenient or easier times to have kids, but there's always reasons why the timing isn't good. there are pros and cons to everything, including when to have kids.

pickled zucchini

since its winter, and there isn't really much to do, we've been going out for lunch on saturdays. i like this activity. it gets us out, and we get to visit different places. today we went to the juniper cafe in the tett centre. this is probably our favourite cafe in town at the moment. since it's not in downtown proper, it's significantly less busy, and the food is REALLY GOOD! apparently the coffee is really good too. part of me wants to keep it kingston's best kept secret, but another part of me wants to share it with a small group of people. it's too bad that it's not open in the evenings. it seems that most cafes aren't these days, and those that are... are WAY overcrowded. i was thinking today about how when i was 25, i would sleep to 2 pm on saturdays, then go to the indigo cafe (before it became a starbucks) to read every weekend. it was really nice. i'd really love to go out reading one evening, but i'm not sure where i could get a seat. 

spare change

i got my wish to laugh til i cried.

yesterday, i was telling brendan about how when i was grocery-shopping with the fellas, eamon wanted some money to put into the seeing-eye-dog plastic donation dog thing. i was surprised that he knew what it was for, and happy to fork out some change for him to put in it. so i gave him a quarter, and he put it in the coin slot at the top. as we heard it fall into the base of the dog, eamon just looked at it confused. nothing was happening. then i realized that he didn't actually understand what it was for. he was looking at it as though he expected a puppy to come out, but nothing was happening. no puppy was appearing. he searched around a little bit (presumably looking for his puppy), then he gave up. he was really bummed out.

when i retold this event to brendan, i laughed and laughed and laughed. it was the cutest thing ever.

faux-january

i'm finding this weather completely useless. it's not cold enough for there to be any snow (and winter activities), but not warm enough to be dry (and do things like go to the park). this afternoon, i saw out on the back deck with otis wrapped in my sweater, watching brendan chop wood with his new axe. it was éamon's job to take the chopped wood and put it in the wood tote for lugging inside. the sound of brendan's boots on the grass sounded soggy, and the park/field behind our house was foggy. it felt like it should be april. or britian. i want a proper winter. the thought of three cold/wet/soggy seasons is extremely unappealing.

stamped

i took otis' passport application in to service canada today. i had to submit his long form birth certificate with the application – the one that eamon scribbled all over. so fingers cross that it will not be rejected, then slowed down by having to order a new long form.

anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about airport customs. i feel like airport customs is what made, and continues to make me feel very married. let me explain. living together is no big deal. people live with non-spouses. i myself have lived with a handful of friends before. bed-sharing is also not exclusively for married folk. sheesh, i've shared a bed with my sister. but i have not gone through airport customs with a friend or colleague before. on our honeymoon, when we went through customs together, as a married couple, a unit, a "family", that made the whole thing really real. i almost forgot that we were married since we didn't officially have the same last name yet! to this day, it feels very novel going through customs together. i like it :) i'm looking forward to traveling together again. hopefully soon.

polyester

now that I'm 37 and have had two babies, I find that my body is more and more resembling a middle aged woman's body. bearing this in mind, I concluded two things...

1) I cannot afford to dress the way I want. I was shopping downtown yesterday, and there were several items that interested me, but none that we're price in a range I'd be willing to pay.

2) I need to dress for my body type. there was a plus size mom at a library group I went to last week. and I found that I kept looking at her because I thought she was dressed very nicely and she looked great - and comfortable too! it was a good reminder that I don't need to be skinny to look nice.

so I went to value village yesterday to find some clothes that fit my new criteria. that included getting high-waisted pants. now, in some ways I don't particularly like high-waisted pants. but I accept that the are more flattering on my body and don't always require being hiked up. lower rise pants alway fall down or cause muffin-tops. so I bought some. I am embarrassed to admit that they are from northern reflections :S but that fits with me resembling a middle-aged woman.

Sent from my iPod

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

sometimes i think i'm a better caregiver than parent. i really enjoy taking care of their basic needs (bathing, eating, clothing, sleeping, diaper changing/using potty, etc), but training, teaching, correcting, instilling, guiding, is much harder. the last few days i feel like i'm a sucky parent. actually, i'm doing fine with otis, but largely because at his stage he mostly needs care-giving and not social skills or discipline. i briefly considered giving eamon away to someone who would probably do a better job and would not get as angry at him. he laughs in my face when i'm upset about something he's done, which then fills me with rage, only making him laugh more. i still don't feel confident that he's better off with me rather than someone else.

i felt scared this afternoon. for two reasons. 1) eamon sat on otis's head when i'd placed him on the wood floor (he'd had a messy messy poop and it was all over the change table), and otis was scream-crying. i cannot leave them for more than 10 seconds before eamon does something that could seriously harm otis, or possibly kill him (usually from suffocating). and 2) because i went all motherbear on him for hurting my baby. i didn't like that AT ALL.

brendan and i both feel way in over our heads. we're way past our scope of parenting ability. it's hard watching this take its toll on brendan. and i'm sure it's not easy for him not being able to go get his hair cut without wondering what fresh hell will break out at home while he's out.

my sister always says that she thinks she'd be perfect if she wasn't married with kids. while i don't quite share that sentiment, i know i wouldn't be harming someone else irrevocably by making mistakes and having lapses in judgement every once and awhile. i don't want to mess up my kid. i wish it wasn't so dang hard to make it through the day without hating myself at least once.

parenting really is not for the faint of heart or for people who are emotionally unstable. because it will find your weakness and your last nerve, and pinch it til you feel like your head is going to explode.

that's the kind of day i've been having. let's hope tomorrow is better.

mash-up

sometimes i struggle to remember that this is a stage of life. i want to operate fully in all capacities, but often times, life's activities are mutually exclusive. they can't all be done at once.

this is just a stage... it's not a reflection of me changing my values or priorities. i say this less as a statement, but more as a reminder. even month to month is different. december was different to january, and february will be different again. i just need to roll with is. from here on in, otis will be increasingly more independent from me.

i just started the third book in my soviet russia series. i suppose i will be getting little else but reading done for the next few weeks. joy bought my niece a crochet owl kit. it's super cute for christmas. joelle decided that she was not up to trying it, so she gave it to me. i'd really like to give it a go, but it'll have to wait til i'm done my book.

washed in the rain no longer.

rochester street

so after i finished last night's entry, i briefly thought about my wishlist, and decided we should take a roadtrip today. we had no plans. in fact, it was completely wide open, and looking like it would end up being a day where we end up stir-crazy at home, or frustrated with eamon for trashing/breaking something. so i thought we should go to ottawa. the forecast was clear, so why not.

we left at 10:45 this morning, drove the LONG way to gatineau, (for some reason, we missed the 416 and ended up in cornwall before we realized) and spent a couple hours at the children's museum (within the museum of canadian history). from there we swung by to drop off a gift at b's friend matt's place for his new baby girl, and found a place to eat. we wanted something local with a bench seat (to lay otis on), and we found a place in the hintonburg neighbourhood called "hintonburger". it was extremely delicious AND it had bench seating :) perfect!

after a longish visit to ikea, we had the fellas in their 'jamas and we hit the road home. by then it was 7:10, and i felt exausted. but really really happy. it was lots of fun. we drove in the dark, listening to fleet foxes. i just felt so content, and connected to b without having to talk. so i got to have a mini trip and some quality time with b – 2 of my 4 things from yesterday's list!

we didn't have a GPS or anything, so we mostly used several old maps that we had in the car to get around. i suppose this shouldn't surprise me, but they were very useful! tried and true, i guess!

it was a good day. and i feel encouraged that i'll get through this stage and have a vibrant life again!

the world is alive now, in and outside our home.

suffragette

years ago i wrote an unpublished blog entry and submitted it to 'canada writes'. i'd pretty much forgotten about it until this evening. it took a little time, but i was able to find it, despite having sent it from my previous/maiden name email address. obviously, it wasn't selected. i think they were looking for blog post rants, rather than a 'slice of life'. i still like it – it's solid. in a way, one of my better entries. i'm most fond of my writing when it feels smokey, poetic and mysterious. infused with deep feeling.

my life is not very poetic these days.

it's raw, and somewhat superficial. it's baby spit-up, days without showering, and stepping on duplo while assisting my son with washing the scribbled marker off his dresser. it's breathing deep to keep my cool in the grocery store. it's buckling and unbuckling tykes into carseats. it's feeling badly that i don't have anything more interesting to talk about in conversation than 4-month sleep regression or what school to send my kid to. it's infrequent pelvic floor exercises and prunes. it's 2 am fights with my husband, falling sleep sitting upright, and having boobs too big to fit into my coat or several shirts.

my sense of self has been placed on the back burner. which concerns me, because i know how closely that and self-investment is tied with my satisfaction/contentment levels and overall happiness. i'm quite relational, and not being able to invest in my friendships and community relationships at the level i desire is hard and frustrating. partly because i feel like how much people reach out to me depends on my ability to reciprocate. and i'm unable to properly reciprocate at the moment, so it feels like my social sphere is getting smaller. incoming efforts are becoming fewer. i don't feel like i'm growing wild anymore. or at least at the moment.

if i could have it my way, we'd go on a trip somewhere fun – soon. anticipating a trip is always invigourating. and... i'd do something artistic and new shared with other people. and... brendan and i would have some good quality time together (where we get to talk as to people, and not comrades in arms). and... i'd have some soul refreshing laughter shared with people i love (preferably laughing til i cried or even threw up). i guess i'll just have to see what i can do about this list.

i thought the only lonely place was on the moon.

habit making

if i was going to do anything resembling a new year's resolution, it would be to resolve to do the things that i know are good for me. i'm really lousy at doing stuff i don't want to do, especially if they require ANY kind of effort at all. even if they're things that i in theory want to do, i'm still crappy at doing them in actuality. usually, when i do actually do them, i feel good about it. i think "ah! i actually did such and such today" and then i feel great about it for the rest of the day. so if for no other reason, i should develop good habits because i'll feel good about it :)

2017

now that we find ourselves in a brand new year, i've been thinking a little about my hopes for the next 12 months.

since i spent all of today de-cluttering our house, it seems timely to plan to keep on top things as to avoid mess in the future. BUT housekeeping is always a feast or famine with me, so my hopes are not high. but if i continue doing-away with unnecessary things, that may help make that task slightly easier.

otis is a week away from 4 months old, and i have already lost my baby weight. this feels like a huge accomplishment since i only ever got half away to my pre-eamon weight. it's my hope that i may reach that this year, but am a little worried that i'll just get number-stuck like i did last time. never getting past a specific number, even though my body changed shape and my clothes fit differently.

i'm excited to start a new job this year, and am equally excited to find out what that job will be :p

eamon will start kindergarten this coming september. we had planned to send him to our neighbourhood school, but after speaking with a few board-teachers, we're reconsidering. one friend (who's a substitute teacher) has said that it is the hardest school that he's ever taught at. it's a challenging environment; in the first few months of it opening this year, the vice principle quit; and the behaviour/support programs previously offered to the students who need it, have been discontinued (so all the kids, regardless of their needs, are in the same classes). i could write all about our pros and cons list, and why we're wrestling with this decision, but i'll spare you that. i'm hopeful that we'll make a good decision. registration starts in february. i'm intrigued about how all this will work out.

we're also planning on taking a trip south this winter. we'd like to get a last minute deal at a good price. so far we're considering cuba or mexico. but there's also a chance we won't find anything suitable and we'll have to come up with a plan C.

so there it is. what i'm anticipating for the road ahead. no doubt lots of other stuff will happen, or even things that will throw those plans/hopes off track. but i'll just roll with it.

may 2017 be good to you too :)

2016

just after last christmas, (december 28, 2015), brendan and i were working on a puzzle. while we worked, i said to brendan "my period is late, i might be pregnant". so i took a break to go pee on a pregnancy test. i brought it out, we sat it on the table where we worked as we waited 2 minutes, then he checked it. it was positive. after pausing a few minutes, we went back to working on our puzzle. it was pretty surreal. with that, we started off on a journey towards a new baby in 2016.

that pretty much dominated most of my year.

my winter months were consumed with nausea, exhaustion, and vomiting (with some occasional pant-wetting). i felt that i became isolated, like i was hibernating. i didn't see many friends socially. i wasn't up for many activities. our house was cold, and i mostly hung out in our bedroom when i wasn't actively parenting. the summer months were hot and i was very pregnant.

at work, my titanic of a company began foundering. slowly filling with water. people evacuating as the ship limped along. the end is nigh. it was sad and unpleasant to be there to watch it fall apart from the inside. it was a weird end to my 13 years there. my bakers dozen. that company, that role, those workmates, and that environment, shaped and formed me in my formative adult years. it definitely changed me, and i think for the better. i had opportunities, learned skills and discovered things about myself that i didn't know i was capable of. i will always be a bbd expat. it will always be part of me.

brendan and i worked through "the marriage course" at home. it was basically some relationship distance-learning. it was productive, yet disruptive. it uncovered certain dynamics that we were unaware of, but always exposed compatibility that we can easily take for granted.

eamon grew from a toddler into a preschooler. becoming interactive, engaging, and more and more independent. potty-training was touch and go at first, but eventually we did get there a few weeks shy of his 3rd birthday. giving us 2 months diaper free before baby number 2 came along.

otis. my sweet baby boy. just like his birth, he often resembles eamon quite closely, yet is also a very distinctly different experience. he has been a joy and a delight. sweet and gentle. i am forever grateful that i was able to birth him myself. overcoming challenges, and letting me reclaim my birthright as a woman. he is my VBAC baby, and a symbol to me of that special achievement.

i've talked in depth about eamon's infection, and subsequent stay in the hospital. i'm so grateful that the medical staff identified the problem, and interventions were made before he became unable to breathe.

i've had disappointments, and there are many aspects of my current state of being that i'm dissatisfied with. i'm trying to be gracious with myself and know that my circumstances and habits will improve in time or as my life stage changes.

it was not the easiest year, but it was a significant one.

decisions, decisions

it's boxing day. we spend 3.5 very full days with family, and i am feeling pooped. granted, this is partly because otis had the worst night EVER last night, and i barely slept. i'm gonna just wrap up here, brush my teeth and crawl into bed. i'm hoping he's gonna sleep better tonight.

i was thinking today about how beckie and i became friends X number of years ago today (i think it was 11). we'd both arrived to our respective homes from christmases with our families, and ended up hanging out. we went to shoppers for some reason, and i remember beckie blurting out in the car "you know i'm an atheist right?". that always makes me smile. it's nice because she's arriving tomorrow to spend a few days with her little buddies, and me and b.

i wanted to say more, but i'm blanking. i really should go to sleep.

rectify

well, a week has past since my crappy birthday. starting with a fight with b, ending with a flare-up of IBS. i think i've softened, and stopped chastising myself for trying to make my birthday special. sure, there are people who don't care about birthdays. but i kind of wonder if they just say they don't care. who would really be indifferent to spending time with people they love and getting to do a few different and fun activities.

b tells me that he's glad that i don't make him guess at what i'm feeling or thinking. he also said that he realizes that he may not always like what i say, but at least he knows what's going on. i appreciated that he took steps to make amends with me, and set things right.

expectations

things haven't really gone very well this morning. it's my birthday. and it's silly really, but i've pretty much being crying on and off all morning. brendan and i had a misunderstanding, that just triggered me to cry about anything and everything. it's been a long time since i had a good cry, so in a way it's therapeutic. i guess it's just not really how i thought my birthday would go. but that's also silly. it's just a day, and i'm 37, so maybe i'm supposed to be past feeling like my birthday is special.

i'd been looking forward to this year's main street parade, but now that i'm upset, i don't really want to go and socialize. i just want to spend time by the fire reading in peace. so brendan and eamon have gone without otis and me.

i don't know. i might decide to keep my birthday low-key next year. not throw a party and tell b not to get my a gift. brendan wants to try to "turn today around", but i kind of feel that i might as well just give in to it.

postal

for the first time ever, i decided i wanted to give out christmas cards. it's kind of ironic, that i'd get on board now since christmas cards are kind of disappearing from our culture. but last year, i really liked displaying the ones we got, so i wanted to give some to others too. plus, i've got time. eamon's at daycare, otis is sleeping really well today, i finished my book a few days ago, and i didn't really have anything else planned for today. anyway, the problem is for my overseas cards, i'll have to dig for addresses. i have several in various places, but not one central, and handy location.

cycles

you know that "broken window" theory? that theory that if a city or house has a broken window, it's more likely to be vandalized? well, that's pretty much how i function within our home. if it's tidy, i keep it tidy. if it's messy, i contribute to the mess. i really wish i was more organized. i suspect though, that i need to have less stuff, and that would make it easier for me to take better care of my space.

those early days

i'm in the middle of a noteworthy time in my life. it's a really special time that i will remember distinctly. but that doesn't mean it's easy. it's mostly the juggling two kids in very different stages that is the challenge. both on their own are easy peasy. but eamon is used to daycare; to structure, planned activities, other kids to play with and adults with all their time dedicated to the collective care of him and his comrades. i'm not able to keep him occupied enough at home and he gets capital B Bored. when he's bored, he gets into mischief, things spiral, and i'm end up at a loss. to cut myself some slack, and to provide him with more simulation, he's going to be going to daycare 3 days a week instead of just 2. i've struggled with this, because for 2 years, i wanted to be at home with eamon instead of at work. so i feel disheartened and like a failure that i can't manage him full time. but brendan reminds me that i have a newborn and should, therefore, be gracious with myself.

otis is doing well. he's an easy baby. he doesn't need to nurse to sleep. being held is more important to him than nursing. and when he's had enough cuddling, he's quite content to just lie in bed awake for an hour before falling asleep. i'm looking forward to having more time with just him. he's really very sweet, and i'm trying to fully enjoy this fleeting stage, even though i'm keenly anticipating him sitting in his bumbo and using the jolly jumper.

i am, for the most part, doing well. there have been times when i've been concerned about my mental health. not from unhappiness or isolation or the absence of adult company, but rather because of how impacted i am from the anger and frustration i can feel when stretched too thin between the competing needs of my sons. i'm struggling a little because of my natural desire to do and accomplish stuff, and i'm finding that being a momma interferes with me doing other stuff. i don't really identify being a mom as a big part of my identity. as far as being a mom goes, it's more the care-giver aspect than the label or role. i want to do more things with my day or with my home that focus exclusively on my child-rearing.

i've enjoyed going out with brendan a few times lately, and we're going out again this saturday for a christmas party at a former colleague's house. these outings are so refreshing, but i'm somewhat reminded that we won't have the freedom or independence from our kids for that to be a normal part of our lives for quite a while. what strikes me is that when my kids are teenagers, and i can come and go more freely, i will be much older. in some respects, life feels like it has hit pause until my sons are older, but the reality is, everything has kept going, and i'm aging. my life before, during and after this stage of life are all distinctly different. i suppose the best thing to do is to embrace this stage for all that it is. which includes...

- long mornings in pjs

- lots of cups of (decaf) tea

- learning to make a good fire in the wood stove

- nursing

- king of the hill

- bassinets, mid-night feedings and mid-night tantrums

- prune concoctions and physio therapy exercises

- cbc radio

- robie shoes and combing velcro

- handcrafts whenever there's a spare minute

- losing hats and mitts

- feeling deep deep love

too much of a good thing

i don't really know how people homeschool. i'm pretty sure that being home with my 3 year old 5 days a week is slowly ruining our relationship. 

differences

i've started taking my small fellas to a playgroup in my neighbourhood. initially, i wanted to go in part to fill time, but mostly to connect with other moms in the neighbourhood. it turns out that none of them actually live in kingscourt, but that's ok. i'm finding that there's another good reason to go to this group... to be in conversation with people who have a different perspective and worldview than i do. sometimes i find the opinions expressed kind of troubling, and being someone who is uncomfortable and inarticulate expressing conflicting opinions, i just listen and try to inwardly feel empathy with where there coming from. while i don't share the beliefs or perspectives, i can imagine why or how the came to feel that way. i find it stretching, and therefore strengthening, to be around people who are not like-minded. i'm a little curious about what i might learn over time. maybe i'll learn to express myself instead of being dumbfounded. brendan is so good at calling people out in a kind way when they say something without thinking. i wish i was more like him.

order

since returning home, it's been a bit of a struggle to get back into a normal routine. since otis was born, i have as of yet to get into a weekly rhythm with my babies. the house has been chaotic, éamon is typical three year old, and otis is a typical newborn. i'm also trying to spend time with friends, and meet moms in my neighbourhood. as a result, i'm finding it hard to find time to write emails and/or blog entries. and now on top of all that, daylight savings time has ended, which will probably throw us further out of routine for another week. i hope i don't sound like i'm complaining, because i'm just trying to decompress. thankfully, i am keeping my head above water, i'm just less communicative.

the day that eamon started to get sick, it was rainy and we'd taken the bus to the library. he was cranky (because he was getting sick and i didn't know it yet) and i felt flustered and heartbroken (having just learned about brook that morning). after the storytime was over, we went to the children's book section to sit and have a breather before brendan picked us up on his lunch break. i sat there damp, sad and exhausted, when another young mom came along and said "do you need any help?". i politely smiled and said "oh, no, i'm ok. thank you". i appreciated her offer, but it makes me cringe thinking that i seemed pitiful. i actually did still had enough in me to manage.

being capable is probably my holy ideal. it's my one trait that i hold up and value higher than all others. i am not too proud to ask for help when i need it, but i believe in doing my best and giving it my all before soliciting help from others. that's really a good way to read me – if i'm asking for help, it's because i REALLY need it. this feels like a time in life when emotions are somewhat raw and close to the surface. it's easy to become worn out by these tiny people. and yet, my desire to be capable is no less than usual. so, i'm hoping that in the next few weeks i'll be able to get it together.

retropharyngeal phlegmon

so here i am, on the other side of the experience of my kid being hospitalized for a serious (potentially life-threatening) illness, and i think both brendan and i learned a lot about life and parenting. it'll be two weeks tomorrow since i took him to the hospital, and one week tomorrow since he was discharged.

probably one of the main things that left an impression on me, was when he was at his worst (pre-diagnosis), i remember looking at him and seeing that he was not himself. i was wishing and praying that he'd return to normal, but there was nothing i could personally do to make him well. it feels like a cliche to say, but i really felt helpless and desperate. thankfully, he got the help he needed in time, but it gave me a taste of what parents in different parts of the world and in different times throughout history have experienced. and it's pretty GD awful.

i've had several conversations with friends lately about how fragile and vulnerable we are as humans, and how that's something we're not always aware of. in a way, it's nicer being naive of just how fragile and vulnerable we are, at least we worry less.

Kidd 10

well, the doctor called us on Tuesday morning with the results of eamon's blood work and wanted us to come back in. long story short... he had two X-rays and a cat scan, then he was admitted to KGH for treatment for a neck infection.

it was pretty stressful at times, but he's doing well and seeming more like himself. he still does have full movement in his neck, but the fever seems to be subsided.

anyway, it's been an interesting experience. sometimes I'm surprised to be someone's mama and responsible for their well being. Otis has been a total doll and mostly just slept the whole time. at one point they were both passed out on the bed at the COPC, it was very. sweet.

we're expecting to be discharged tomorrow, but not 100% sure yet.

Sent from my iPod

heart on the line

i remember when i was pregnant with eamon, telling my sister that i felt anxious, and just wanted him to be born(having heard of many people who lost their baby in the final days and weeks of their pregnancy). she said something about how worrying doesn't end when they're born. i've found that she's right. except, i think i've felt "once we get past this stage, i won't worry as much". but i've realized it never stops. especially reflecting on the loss of brook this past week. i know i'm going to spend my whole life worrying about my sons and their dad to one extent or another.

part of what it means to be a mom is to worry about your kid's safety and wellness. part of what it means to love is to be invested in someone, and to want them safe and sound. i didn't experience that when i was single.

since thursday, eamon has been sick. we thought at first that he had a stomach bug. then we thought it went away, only for him to have a few persistent symptoms, then for it to get worse and worse again. we spent a few hours this morning in the urgent care centre at hotel dieu, then the entire afternoon at the children's outpatient centre. i felt embarrassed to be going in twice in one day, and felt a need to explain my concern. i've cried several times since this illness started for fear that something might happen to him. i realize the reality of loss is very fresh, and its putting me on edge, but the doctor told me that i did the right thing bringing him in this afternoon. he was showing signs of meningitis, but they seem to have ruled that out now. they did bloodwork and gave him an x-ray. thankfully brendan was with me, because i wouldn't have been able to manage everything with otis with me too. it was a very hands-on job to get eamon to cooperate. they've told us a few things to watch out for, and said it could take up to 7 days for this infection to clear up, but he should be ok. i feel more at ease now. his constant fever, etc are less scary now that we know what we're dealing with and what to expect.

i think it will take some time for me to adjust and accept the level of risk that comes with deep love.

full moon

these days life feels like a see-saw that oscillates between noise and silence. there are loud moments of chaos and quiet moments of peace. i'm glad for the quiet moments. they make the loud moments more manageable.

i'm quite sensitive to being over-stimulated by noise or touch, especially when those things are combined. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed because otis is crying and won't latch because he's too upset, i find it overwhelming to be touched. this is a challenge because eamon sometimes is trying to cuddle or climb onto my lap and it all becomes too much in that moment. it's hard because i don't want to send him away or not let him touch me, but for the sake of my sanity i need him to stop. i try to explain it to him though. i know that he might not understand right now, but i'm hoping that he might remember later and understand then.

when i was a kid, we had a miniature schnauzer named elsa (it's funny that elsa has become such a popular name, since my parents chose it because it was the most 'old lady' sounding name they could come up with). elsa was not well trained, and like many small dogs, would bark A LOT – especially when people were walking down the sidewalk. when i was about 6 or 7, we had to give her to my aunt and uncle (who didn't have kids, but did have another dog named pepper who was elsa's brother from the same litter). anyway, the only reason we were given was that my mom thought elsa barked too much. when i was talking to my mom the other day about feeling overwhelmed by the increased volume of my home, she said "that's how i felt when we had elsa". so while it was true that she felt elsa barked too much, there was more to it than that. now that i have the whole story, i can completely understand and appreciate that.

i like having ah-ha moments about my parents. it usually results in more empathy from me, and sometimes forgiveness.

while some folks have told me that there is no healthy way to teach kids not to be loud and noisy, i'm not convinced that's true. i think kids reflect their environment. we'll see...

red

it's funny how a holiday weekend can help one ruin their streak of good eating habits. well... i shouldn't blame the holiday exactly, it's more the birthday cake and squares that i made (and not can't stop trying to "eat it", like they're going to go bad). otis is one month old, and i've lost over 20 lbs, but if i keep this up, i'll gain quite a bit back. that said, i did go for a longish walk today. i need to try and walk every day.

to my delight, i found out that my neighbourhood library isn't supposed to close for another year. that's a relief, because i thought it was closing in a few months.

nancy gave us brendan's baby book the other day. she did a great job filling it in, that it's really motivated me to finish eamon's book (and get started on otis). i'm kind of glad that i'm wrapping it up when he's three, because things change a lot over time, and a lot of his habits, interests, etc, changed since he was a little baby. i'm excited to see otis grow and change too :) he's a cuddly baby, and really likes to be held most of the time.

mending heart, soul and body

i saw my midwife on tuesday. the one who was at my birth. she said she'd been worried about me since she hadn't seen me since otis was born. she was worried that i had regrets, and had wished i'd just had another c-section because of my 3rd degree tear. but that had never crossed my mind. otis's birth was so wonderful and meaningful to me, i would never trade it. AND the tear has healed really well and not caused me any trouble. i'm very grateful for that.

adjusting

i've heard it said that women cut their hair after having a baby because their hair is something they can control. for me, it's tidying my house.

today was pretty much my first full day on my own with my two kids. and after being on my own (with different degrees of support) all week, i reached my breaking point around lunch time today and had a bit of a melt down. yesterday, when nancy was over, i got a lot of tidying and cleaning done, but by bedtime the house was messy and chaotic again. so after not being able to find my bus pass, and being unable to make it to the hospital to visit my dad (who is recovering from surgery), and having a crying baby who doesn't like to be set down while i wanted to make some lunch, i knew something had to give.

keeping the house tidy helps a lot. even all the little things that i don't normally notice, have been bothering me in my current stage – things like dust on the toaster. i suppose it's not a bad thing, wanting to keep the house tidy. i know that things are going to balance out, and if a clean house helps keep me sane, that's a good approach.

two boys and a lady

brendan is out of town for a work conference, and i'm alone with my two sons. the timing isn't great, since we're still getting to know otis and eamon is still getting used to having him in the mix. bedtime was bad. otis was screaming because he needed to be nursed and eamon was having a melt down because he didn't want to go to bed (plus, brendan wasn't here to do their regular routine). it was rough, but it can only get easier, right?

i'm going to go to bed now. the "sleep when the baby sleeps" concept works best for me in the evening. sure, i go to sleep early these days, but it's the best way to do myself a favour. i would've gone to bed at 7:30 if otis was already sleeping.

porcelain

after months of our toilet flushing increasingly worse, the flusher finally broke, and we had to buy a new one. the new flusher works so well that i actually look forward to using it.

being able to flush the toilet with ease is one of my most favourite parts of the day.

brace

i can't remember if i mentioned the book "funny girl" that i was reading and finished last week. it was about a young woman seeking to be a comedic actor in the 1960s (she wanted to be like lucile ball). at the end, it fast forwards to 2014 (which i found a bit weird, since the story was about this young actress). she reflects on how the industry has changed since she started out, and remarks about how nowadays everyone wants to work in entertainment, and how there are fewer people willing to do the undesirable jobs. i can't remember how she phrased it, but she talked about how entertainment has become the centre of our society, and i think she's right. that's why there are movie themed birthday parties, and children's clothes and backpacks with cartoon characters on them, etc etc.

i think she put her finger on what troubles me so much about an excess of pop-culture paraphernalia in stores. it always irritated me when i couldn't find just nice kids bedsheets without disney cartoons on them, and i couldn't put my finger on why. it's party because i like creativity, and i think there's lots of great artists and designers beyond disney, and i'd rather have a generic cartoon from an unknown artist than support an uncreative corporation. but i think it also makes me uncomfortable because it reinforces entertainment as something we should value, something to love. and i simply don't value that – it's entertainment only, not something more meaningful.

as someone who works in marketing, i'm also keenly sensitive to the subtle ways the we're constantly being advertised at. so i avoid any kind of brand reinforcement. because they're simply trying to make people form an emotional attachment so they'll spend more.

assumption

i've been reading this novel about the titanic. it's really sad and yet compelling. i'm at the part where the main character has just gotten on a lifeboat, but everyone else she was with 14 people from her hometown, didn't get on for various reasons (the men were refused, some women chose not to go, some got lost). i can't help but feel struck by how tragic it is, even though there have been events with a greater death toll. maybe it's because it was such a man-made disaster. or maybe because of the hope of everyone on the ship, maybe were heading to america to start a new life. everyone had plans for their arrival, and most did not arrive. i dunno. it's just so sad.

i have to admit, i have a bit of a pet peeve about when a book i'm reading has a fictional book/movie/etc of the same name as the novel i'm reading. this book is called "the girl who came home" and there's a new paper article in it by that name. and the book "the help" had a book in it called "the help". this annoys me because the fictional version and the real version i'm reading are not the same thing! i really think they need different names. sheesh!

anyway, this book has puts me in the mood to watch the movie. i think the last time i watched it was on my birthday (it was playing on the tv) in 2001. i was living in toronto and my friends and i had ordered chinese food. time sure goes by fast.

st. mary's

when i was between 11 to 13, my dad used to take my sister and i on vacation to toronto each summer and over march break. we'd stay with my uncle bill and we'd do toronto-y things. in the summer we'd take our bikes, and ride all over the place. we'd frequently cycle in mount pleasant cemetery. it was one of our favourite places. joy and i were always amazed at how quiet it was. as soon as you enter through the gates, the sounds of the city disappeared. we also liked walking around, reading the headstones.

later, when i moved to toronto for the summer of 2000, i went to mount pleasant over my first weekend there. that monday, my co-worker and friend lana asked me what i did that weekend. i told her that i went to a cemetery. she was very troubled by that. it might have been a cultural thing, since she was from hong kong, but she said if she'd told her dad that she voluntarily went to a cemetery that he'd cry.

there's a cemetery near our house. it's a catholic cemetery, so unfortunately, they probably wouldn't let me get buried there. part of me would consider converting to catholicism just so i could be buried in our neighbourhood cemetery. i like local things. otis and i went for a stroll through there this morning. i like reading the different names, and dates; wondering about the people. a headstone is really all that's left of someone. i'm a pretty thrifty person, i don't care about a fancy funeral, and would want the cheapest of everything. but i want a headstone with a pretty awesome epitaph. i think we'll go there for a walk again sometime. there were parts i didn't get to, and we didn't really walk up the aisles, just stuck to the main roads.

lowering expectations

when i work a short 4 day week, i find myself expecting it to fly by fast, and as a result, it doesn't. i'm finding this principle to be true too with having a newborn. i know that this stage goes by fast, and as a result, i'm expecting sleepless nights and constant nursing and needing to be held while i try to eat dinner to be behind me already. it's all about expectations and i need to lower mine. even an easy baby has his difficult moments.

my sweet little baby decided to be wide awake from 1 am to 5 am last night. he's not even usually that awake during the day. it's like he's slowly changing time zones. and now he's sleeping, i'm wide awake and can't fall asleep. unfortunately, having gone most of the night without sleep, i was very irritated when eamon got up this morning at 6. i was not gracious with him about it.

i'm sorry... hearing the daily details of a parent of a newborn's sleep situation is quite boring. i guess what i'm trying to aim for is being transparent enough to be real about this current stage, and yet concealed enough that i don't lose perspective and make everything about newborn+preschool parenting.

acquaintance

when i was in grade 10, a girl in my class got pregnant. by the time she returned to school in grade 11, she was married to her boyfriend. i'd heard that their parents made them get married. he did not seem ready for marriage, at all. they had another kid together while still in highschool. i was thinking a lot about that girl today. married at 15. i wonder how things worked out for them.

registrar

i was saying to b the other day, that it's amazing to me that ANY women in history would've survived childbirth. i know death was common, but really, it feels like surviving should've been the exception. like really, does anyone know anyone that didn't tear at all? (i mean ever, even with multiple births) what would women do with a 3rd degree tear? other than, you know, bleed a lot and die. it's crazy really.

today was brendan's first day back at work, and my first day on my own with otis. he seems to be in a bit of a growth spurt. he's looking chubbier, and he was cranky and only wanted to nurse today. i did get a lot of reading done. although, i would've welcomed a nap. he's sleeping now though. this is the longest stretch he's napped all day. it's nice having a backyard and deck to sit out on while nursing. it was a lovely day out there.

sleeping

every evening, otis sleeps from 7:30 or 8 til 10 or 11. after nursing him, he sleeps again until 1 or 2 am. then every single night, he naps on and off for the next 4 or 5 hours, waking almost every 20 minutes, until 6:30, when eamon gets up. then otis sleeps solid until after 9 :S

all that said, i need to keep perspective that it's not that bad and this will soon give way to a new pattern and stage.

paperback

brendan and i stopped in at the kingscourt library yesterday. i needed a new book and eamon's books were due back. we had otis with us. when we entered, the nice librarian greeted us and asked us all about our baby. we'd talked before about my pregnancy. i always appreciate how friendly she is, especially compared to the grumpy librarian.

then i headed over to the fiction section, and brendan to the kids section. within a minute or two, i could hear my dad's voice, so i came out from the bookshelves and saw him talking with the nice librarian. my dad goes to the library at least once a day, and is on a first name basis with many of the librarians. so as he chatted away, i approached him with otis in my arms. when he saw me he yelled out "holey mosey!". the librarian started commenting on how cute the baby is, when he said to her "this is my daughter!". she had no idea. it's funny when you know two people separately and don't realize they're connected. i guess he'd been in there last week and told her that his daughter was in labour.

she told me that she has a dog named otis :p

i'm glad that they have a good relationship and that that positive association will be in my favour :)

otis's birth – after thoughts

it's been nearly a week now since otis was born. i feel like its still sinking in that i got to push him out myself, which means i managed to have a VBAC. which is amazing. i remember the next day just shaking my head and saying "i've been thinking about this for 3 years". 

not only do i feel a great since of accomplishment with the birth itself, i feel like it complete's eamon's birth story as well. in many respects they are the same story – one long story that started in 2013 and finished in 2016. i feel a lot more peace now, having finally figured out why eamon was so difficult to birth and why he got stuck. while i'm puzzled as to why no one identified last time that i had a low pelvic arch (it took susan no time at all), i don't even care because at least now i know. i've had to tell people so many times "they were never able to figure out why he got stuck". it's nice to finally have that mystery solved. 

otis's birth also gives me a lot more peace about eamon's birth. i felt so unsettled and it affected how i felt about myself and my body. it made me feel, not like a failure, but that i had shortcomings. i feel like this birth erased those feelings, and i feel a lot more accepting of how eamon's birth went. because, after all, it was quite an adventure and a unique experience.

i love both birth stories for their distinctiveness. and i love having had both experiences – the caesarean and the vaginal birth. AND i love that it was in that order. it makes me feel like i've completed my baby-having career triumphantly. 

i feel better about my body too. i remember a friend telling me that her births made her feel more respect for her body. and i felt disappointed that my first birth made me feel disgruntled with my body. i think that affective my body image a lot as well. but now, even though my tummy is soft and saggy, it makes me feel excited and delighted. i carried two wonderful baby boys in there! what a privilege. 

when otis was first born, his complection was very red and his face was puffy. it surprised me, because he didn't look familiar. eamon immediately felt like mine because he looked familiar somehow. i wasn't sure about otis at first. but with time and a bath, the swelling went down, and his skin tone normalized, and i felt like "ah! there's my baby!" he looks like my otis now :)

we're managing well as a family of four. we're finding the learning curve with the second baby to be much smaller. the main challenge is to be mindful to include eamon, and give him the love and attention he needs. having heard that the birth of the second born is life's greatest betrayal for the first born, i would have to say that's somewhat true, but not in the way i was expecting. maybe it's because we're being mindful of this transition for him, but i think we're doing ok at keeping eamon included. it's actually been other folks that i've notice a shift with. one person referred to eamon as our "other" sweet boy (which felt like a downgrade in status). and when we were having visitors one day, i thought these visitors would be thrilled to take eamon to the park, but they actually just wanted to hold otis (so i took eamon to the park instead). it seems he's lost some appeal with people who would normally have given him lots of attention. that's fine i guess, since we're doing our part to keep the love flowing. 

in terms of a meaningful faith experience, i definitely wanted this birth to be a thin space for me. that was something i struggled with a lot last time, after the fact. and i'm grateful that in seeking God's presence throughout otis's birth, i felt peace and confidence that God showed up. i tried to pray gratitude and acknowledgement a lot. i found that i was truly grateful for each contraction, because with each one, we were closer to the birth, and closer to completion. in general, i really felt my spiritual needs being met in my inner most being. 

all this to say, that it was a lovely and meaningful experience for me. one i will cherish all my days. 

otis's birth – part 4

as i felt him lying on me, i was hoping that meant the pain and contractions would stop soon, but didn't know how long it would take for the 3rd stage of labour to be done. they gave me a shot in the leg to help speed up the expulsion of the placenta, and it was out very soon after. i can't remember if i had to push for that or not. when i got up to go to pee, i felt another big, painful contraction, which really surprised me, but they said that is very common for second (third, fourth, etc) babies. and that tylenol and motrin would help with that. 

someone asked us his name, and i got to tell everyone "his name is otis". then brendan shared his full, long name – otis alyosha wesley gerald. i was so happy and proud to be awake and able to announce his name :) but was glad that brendan shared his full name, because it's a long one. 

i could hear brendan beside me, crying gently. which i liked, it was very sweet. i was too exhausted and uncomfortable for the reality of what just happened to sink in. 

soon susan broke the news that i had quite a bad tear. she was still determining if it was a 2nd degree or 3rd degree tear. if it was a 3rd degree, than a doctor would have to repair it, and the doctor was in the OR performing a c-section. in the meantime she put on a topical cream to freeze it. it turned out to be a 3rd degree C tear, which is bad, but not the worst. we had to wait about 45 minutes before the doctor was available to do the repair work. in the meantime, we got otis nursing. it took him a couple minutes to get him latched, but once he was, he nursed like a little pro, and has continued to do well.

thankfully during the stitching i was able to use the gas. it didn't reduce the pain so much as distract me from it. i still had to hold and squeeze shannon's hand through that process. while on the gas, i was very chatty and just rambled. by then i was able to open one eye, but not both. 

when he first came out, he looked SO TINY. we were all convinced that he was smaller than eamon, and around 6 lbs. but it turns out he was 8lb 1 oz, making him just a few ounces bigger than eamon. he's also an inch longer, so he's also long and lean like his daddy. 

susan asked if we wanted to stay at the hospital or go home, and we opted to stay. we were tired, having been up for nearly 24 hours at that point. through my benefits at BBD, we had coverage for a semi-private room, but i wanted to upgrade to a private room (it's only a $25 difference). however, they managed to find us an empty semi-private room instead, and brendan was able to stay too. when we got down to our room, susan told us that she was leaving, and gave me a big hug. i thanked her for everything, but i felt like that was too small of a gesture. 

we were expecting to leave by noon, but it turns out that my bladder wasn't emptying properly because of all the swelling. this explained a lot, because the only pain i was experiencing was when i had to pee. i ended up staying until the next day at noonish. brendan spent that night at home with eamon, and i was on my own with otis. we managed quite well, and i found it really bonding to just be alone with him. 

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things people told me afterwards...

• rach told me that susan had said that i had to work harder than most women to push out my baby because of my low pelvic arch. susan also said that she'd been anticipating a shoulder dystocia, and was prepared for that possibility. i'm glad i didn't have that, but was encouraged that susan knew what to do in that event. another thing, was that apparently susan was considering doing an episiotomy. another thing i was glad i didn't have. 

• b said he got really nervous when otis reached the same spot as where eamon got stuck. he also felt awful that i was in so much pain and he wasn't doing anything. he was struck by how unfair birth is. he's the one who got me pregnant, and now i was in agony pushing out that baby. b also pointed out that susan would frequently say "push out your baby". which is really nice and motivating. 

otis's birth – part 3

during our car ride to the hospital, i had at least 3 strong contractions. now, it's difficult to say if they were stronger because i didn't have my hot pad on my back, or because they were simply getting stronger, but i was starting to get suspicious that i was transitioning. at the very least, i was hoping i was because if that was not the strongest level of pain i was going to face, i wasn't sure how i was going to manage. 

brendan drove cautiously, but after he stopped at a neighbourhood stop sign when no other cars were around, i told him (mid contraction) "DON'T STOP!". the windows were down in the car (since it was a VERY hot september night), and with each contraction i would yell out these loud tarzan like cries "ahAH-AH-AH-AH". when we got to the lights at princess and victoria, there was a car in front of us that had queen's students gathering around it. i was so annoyed, and worried that they would not clear out of the way by the time the light turned green. i was fully prepared to tell "GET OUT OF THE WAY! I'M IN LABOUR!" if they didn't move. but thankfully they did. it was bizarre driving through campus with all these students everywhere.

when we arrived at the front entrance of KGH, brendan dropped me off, while rach dropped shanno off, and they headed to go park the cars while we went inside. i wasn't sure if someone would suddenly appear with a wheelchair (like they do in the movies), but we didn't stick around to find out, and instead headed for connell 5. one of the funniest experiences for me, was when we stopped in the hall just past the lobby so i could have a contraction. i was leaning on a pillar and shannon was kneeling down applying counter pressure on my back as I yelled out, and these people walking by asked "is she ok?", to which shannon explained "oh, she's alright, she's just in labour". i find it so strange and funny that they weren't able to piece together that a very pregnant woman+in a hospital+making loud painful sounds=labour. after that one passed, we kept walking and talking as if everything was normal. we had to stop another few times. i also had a contraction in the elevator, during which i tried to exit (and managed to). shanno tried to encourage me to stay on the elevator if that helped, but i was scared that it would start moving again to another floor with us on it, thus delaying us from getting to connell 5. we managed ok though :)

when we got to the nursing station, we told them that i was in labour and we were meeting my midwife susan there. thankfully brendan and rachel showed up very quickly because they had my purse/healthcard. it seems that susan did call ahead and they were expecting me, so they showed me to my room; a different room from last time, which i had been hoping for – i wanted a room with bigger windows, although it was midnight by the time we arrived, so we couldn't see anything anyway. but i still liked that we had a different room. when we entered, the nurse said "there's the washroom if you need it", and i was tempted to go, but then thought "i should wait til susan gets here, just in case...". i was standing with someone (i think it was shannon) contracting in the bathroom when susan arrived. at first she implied that we still had time to do a few different things, but i remember feeling sure that i was quite far along, and just wanted to get checked to find out for sure. we moved into the room close to the bed when i felt an urge to barf. so i stood there gagging and heaving over my metal mixing bowl. thankfully i didn't barf (just one less unpleasant thing to deal with). susan asked me "are you pushing while you're heaving?" and i said "maybe". there was so many things happening at once in my body that i couldn't be sure, but definitely couldn't rule it out. 

she had me lie down so she could check my cervix, and told me i that i was 8 cm. that was both encouraging and disappointing at the same time. i was sure that i was VERY ready to push this baby out, and i didn't know how long it would be until 10 cm. she explained that although my water had broken, there was still a membrane covering my cervical opening, and asked permission to break that, and i agreed. after she did that, i was 9 cm. she then told me that there was still a little bit of cervix in the way, but she could push it away with her hand, so if i could push with my next contraction, she might be able to get it out of the way, and that worked! so i was 10 cm in no time. i was finding the contractions just AWFUL, so i asked if i could have some gas. but she explained that because i was about to start pushing i couldn't have any gas because it would make me light headed, so i had to do without. 

i remember crying out and writhing about on the bed, and susan trying to calm me down so she could talk to me. she told me that i had to channel my cries down, because i couldn't push if my diaphragm was open. so tried redirecting my instincts down toward my bum. pushing was hard, especially when dealing with a contraction that i just wanted to go away. 

soon i was hearing susan say "she has a low pelvic arch, so it's going to be difficult to push him past her pelvis". this was very interesting and revealing since i had difficulties pushing our eamon, but no one ever mentioned anything about a low pelvic arch before. she also explained that she knew very specific positions that would help work around that issue. so oddly enough, she started me on my back with my legs up. i remember hearing her say "his head is moulding". in the meantime, i could not keep my eyes open, and i was sweating buckets. shannon kept giving me sips of drinks between contractions, rach was holding the fetal monitor in place (because they had to keep track of him, since fetal distress is the first sign of uterine rupture. thankfully, his heart-rate was strong the whole time, and even with all my moving and writhing, the monitor was able to get a consistent read), and b helped with damp cloths on my face. at some point, the back-up midwife sarah arrived. 

the next position we tried was me kneeling on the bed, facing backwards, holding onto a bar on the other side. this was not my favourite position, but it seemed to have a positive contribution. then we moved onto the birth stool (i'll just stop to say at this point, but grateful i am that i didn't have an epidural because i would not have been able to move around so much, and get into so many different positions. also, it never once occurred to me to ask for an epidural. i didn't want one, i wasn't tempted to have one, it wasn't even on my radar). the birth stool was neat, because i was able to grab the underside of the stool and pull up with my hands, while pushing down with the rest of me. eventually though, she said that the birth stool had been really effective, but had also resulted in lots of swelling, so it was time to change positions again.

at that point, susan suggested i try going to pee. i think she thought it would help if my bladder was full, it might have been in the way a little. rachel helped me to the bathroom (still with my eyes closed), and when i had another contraction, she told me just to hold on to her. so i grabbed and squeezed her arms. i sat on the toilet for a few contractions, but it seems i didn't have to pee, so we headed back to the bed, where i lied on my back again. for a time we used the stirrups, but mostly i just had to pull back on my legs with some help. it often felt like i wasn't holding my pushes for long enough. she would tell me "keep going, keep going", but i needed to take a breath, so usually stopped before she said i could. sometimes she'd tell me "take your rest", but i could feel that he contraction wasn't done yet. but she told me that little pushes didn't help, and that i needed to save my energy for the big long pushes. 

all this time, i felt like i was trying to have a massive poo while being extremely constipated. i pushed and pushed, but that poo did not come out. eventually, i just told myself i was just pooping, and let go of the idea of pushing out a baby. i think that really helped. it actually released me from a lot of potential fears. susan would often insert a finger and tug a little as a indication of where i should be directing my pushes, and that really helped as well. sometimes she'd say "can you feel your baby?" and i'd always say "no" or shake my head. as far as i was concerned i was just pooping. the last status update she'd given me was that i needed to push him past my pelvis, and until she said otherwise, i wasn't going to get my hopes up that i'd achieved that. so again, i just focused on pooping. 

eventually, shanno, b and rach started saying "i can see his head! there's his head!", but we could see eamon's head last time, and that didn't mean anything, so i tried to keep my expectations low. susan asked me if i wanted to feel my baby's head, so i did, but it didn't feel like a baby's head. everything was puffy down there, and his head was just more puffiness. but regardless, it was still encouraging. i think there was more of his head than there was of eamon's last time. as the pushing continued, i thought about how much i hated it, and how much i wanted it to be over. but i knew the only way to be finished was to push him out, so i kept working and trying really hard. the pain was very motivating. part of me felt like "why don't they just pull him out already".

even though people were talking about his head, no one actually used to the words "he's crowning", so i didn't want to jump to any conclusions. i've hard rachel talk about "the ring of fire" many times in regards to birth, so when i started feeling the burn, i concluded that he must be crowning. in a way, it was better to read my own body signs than be told that he was crowning. susan was placing warm cloths on me, which was soothing, and i figured they also helped to reduce tearing. i can't remember if anyone said that his head was out of not, but i remember brendan, shannon and rach said "he's moving around! les, he's moving around a lot!", and they were obviously very excited. but i had no idea what they meant by that, babies move around, right? when i asked b about that later, he said that the baby's head was out, and he was turning it side to side. he half expected the baby's head to keep spinning around like in the exorcist. i think i had two more contractions/pushes, and the next thing i knew he was lying on my belly. i could feel him, and he felt very little, and all limbs. everyone was saying "he looks so different to eamon". 

otis's birth – part 2

susan had mentioned that the midwives were having an evening meeting at the clinic, but when we arrived it looked like they were having a potluck. we didn't want to interrupt, especially since we were early, so we walked around the building a few times before one of the midwives came out and we mentioned we were there to see susan. the weird thing was that that midwife asked us (a man and very pregnant woman) if we were clients and if we had an appointment. so we confirmed that we were and that susan was expecting us. 

she brought us inside, and someone joked about how if we wanted to have our baby then, all the midwives where there and could help :) i remember seeing alyssa and she waved at us. susan took us into her room and got me set up on the monitor. she was going to let it run for a half hour to see how my baby's heart rate was, and to see if i was having contractions. thankfully his heart-rate was strong, so that was not an issue. she also checked my cervix and found that i was 2-3 cm dilated. over that half hour i had 5 contractions that were growing in intensity, but she said they'd need to be longer and stronger than that. it turns out the midwives where having a party-meeting. they have some new equipment that doesn't fit super well into their bags, so they had this dinner meeting (ordering in thai/cambodian food from pat's) to share ideas on how everyone is managing their equipment. she also mentioned (and i can't remember if this was funding they're hoping for or have officially heard that they're receiving) that they were celebrating some funding for new bags. 

anyway, she also took us into the pap-room to do an internal exam and used a swab to confirm that it was definitely my amniotic fluid – and it was. she went over my options. i could be induced right away or i could wait 24 hours (from when my water broke), because 50% of women will go into labour on their own within 24 hours, or i could wait 36 hours, because 75% of women go into labour within 36 hours. waiting 48 hours was also an option, but not one she encouraged, and truthfully i didn't want to wait that long either. i told her that i didn't want to be induced, and that i wanted to wait 36 hours before further action was taken. so we came up with the plan that i would go home, take a bath (she only recommended one bath since my water was broken so that protective seal was gone, but i could take as many showers as i wanted), take some tylenol and gravol and try to get some sleep on the recliner on our couch (i could lay down, which would keep the contractions coming, but not be reclined all the way so i could still get some rest). then we'd be in touch again in the morning. 

so we went home with that plan. when i got there, i decided to have a shower instead of a bath because the thought of getting down and up again into the tub seemed very difficult. so i started a shower. it was so nice in there, that i just stayed in. i found my contractions were increasing, so i'd just move and sway, and allow the hot water to fall on my back during each new wave. after a half hour, i thought i probably should get out. during that half hour, i estimated that i'd had about 10 contractions, and they were getting stronger. 

when i got out, i got ready for bed (teeth, contacts, etc) and headed to the living room to sleep on the couch. not only was i not really sleepy, i was starting to feel like the baby was going to come sooner than the following morning. i tried to explain to brendan that i didn't think getting sleep was necessary, but he didn't quite catch my drift right away (which was i think the baby is coming). we got out my trusty hot-pad, and with each contraction, i would stand up and he would apply the pad to my lower back until it was gone. we developed a pretty good system with that. i was using my iPod to time them, and found that they were less than 5 minutes apart, but they weren't hitting that 1 minute long target, so we just kept waiting. brendan was tired, and i kept saying "maybe we should call the girls back", but he thought it was too soon to trouble them. 

around 10:30, i did call them and said "it's time to come back". i also called my mom around that time, realizing i hadn't given her an update since early afternoon. when i told her "my contractions are 2 to 3 minutes apart" she said "shouldn't you be at the hospital by now?", so i explained that we were waiting for the contractions to last 1 minute, be 5 minutes apart for 1 hour. by then my contractions were varying in length from 45 seconds to 1.15 minutes, and i thought they should be more consistent than that. eventually, when we reached 2 hours at that pace, brendan called susan again, and she asked to speak to me. while on the phone with her, i had 2 more contractions and she was able to hear me. i remember feeling slightly self-conscious that everyone was just sitting watching/listening to me during those 2 contractions. when i got back on the phone with her, we tried to determine when was the right time to meet up at the hospital. i didn't want to head over too early, and i kind of thought she'd come check me at home first, but she said to me "are you having any pressure or sensation in your rectum?", and at that point i was starting to, so i said "a little". so with that she decided we'd leave right away to meet at KGH. brendan, shannon and rach helped me get ready. i had a few remaining things to go in my overnight bag (thankfully i had prepared a list so they could just grab the things without me having to think about it). i felt very lucid and normal between contractions, i could talk and express my needs quite well, which was good (different from last time).

by then i'd asked for a bowl in case i had to barf, and i had a trusty dishtowel that i used to wipe my constantly sweating face. i was thankful for the dishtowel because it doubled as something for me to squeeze when a contraction came on. so with those things in my hands, we got into our cars and headed out.

otis's birth – part 1

i was fully asleep when i was woken up by my water breaking at 4:30 am. it was a subtle feeling, but it woke me anyway. i immediately sat up to rush to the bathroom and told brendan "my water broke". it leaked out all the way to the washroom. brendan, who is usually dazed and confused when he's been sleeping, tried his best to clean it up, by going back and forth to the kitchen getting one piece of paper towel at a time. at one point, he even started spraying the floor with some cleaner. 

thankfully though, it was clear (no meconium). so once, we changed the sheets and dried the floor, we got back into bed. since my side of the bed was quite wet, i suggested we put some newspaper down on the mattress before putting on the sheets (inspired by 'call the midwife'). that worked pretty well. so we tried to sleep for another 2 hours, but not only was i not sleepy, i was having regular contractions roughly 6 minutes apart. i was encouraged. last time, no contractions started after my water broke. we waited until 6:30 before calling our doulas and midwife. the plan was to get eamon to daycare, and then we could focus more on the birth. around 7 we called our families to let them know. i'd made arrangements with joy to pick up eamon from daycare so he could spend the evening with them, then nancy would pick him up around 7 or 8, to take him to their place to sleep. he's had sleepovers there before, and she has a toddler bed set up for him in the guest room, so it would be the easiest overnight solution. since it was the first day of school, eamon was starting in a new class at daycare. he'd had a few visits up to that class and had started expressing resistance to the idea of that being his new room (often saying "no big boy room" before leaving in the morning). we'd miss picking him up and seeing how his day went in the new room.

soon after my water broke, i estimated that since i was already having contractions, AND i was expected to dilate quicker this time around, that the baby could be born by late afternoon. however, by then i hadn't noticed that my contractions had gone away. they only occurred when i was lying down. once i was up and doing, nothing happened. 

brendan decided he would go into work, at least until thing got going. so he headed out with eamon as per usual. after he left, i sat out front on the porch drinking tea like it was a regular day.  rachel and shannon arrived around 8 and we decided to go for a walk; it was a lovely day, and walking usually helps get things moving. we walked up to the new schools because rach and shannon didn't know where the schools were being built, then walked more about the neighbourhood. while walking shannon suggested we play scrabble! and why not? we had a lot of waiting to do.

so we played scrabble and ate the banana bread that eamon and i had made on saturday. shannon started recording my contractions, which were random and inconsistent. she developed a rating scale to keep track of their intensity. in the meantime (around 11), b came home for lunch. his co-worker was VERY surprised that he was at work at all – people definitely have the impression from tv that labour is fast and dramatic. sometimes there's a lot of waiting around to be had. as we chatted, we talked about how susan (my midwife) had recommended using a breast pump to help things progress (and rach mentioned that she found nursing astrid very helpful when her water broke with muirgen). so we headed out to medical arts pharmacy to rent one. however, when we arrived, we learned that to buy the equipment (tubes, bottles, etc) to go with the pump costs $75, in addition to the $25 for the pump rental. so we left, since i'd decided in advance (without knowing how much it would cost) that i would be willing to pay up to $50 for the rental. we got home, and chatted together about what to do next, and concluded that i should have a nap and the girls were going to "go home" (turns out they went for a massive feast at red lobster. this is extra funny to me since they're vegetarians. well i guess they're technically pescetarians).

while lying down, my contractions got stronger. i couldn't sleep, probably because i'd had some ice tea while playing scrabble, but thought resting was good for me. i spend some time reading while i lied down, and figured out how to use this contract timer app on my ipod. it was very handy, and showed my contractions were once again steady while lying down. i called b at work to talk things over. by this time it was early afternoon, and it was clear that my prediction of a late afternoon birth was not going to happen. i was starting to feel anxious that things weren't progressing and i was going to find myself labouring through the night and exhausted like i did with eamon. i concluded that paying $100 to get my contractions going stronger was worth it if it meant i wouldn't need to be induced. so i emailed shannon and rachel and they came back to get me so we could pick up the breast pump. BUT when we got back to the pharmacy, the lady told us that the last one was just rented out a half hour before. while that was disappointing, part me of questioned if we should do the breast pump thing at all. i did after all want to wait for my body to do the work itself. maybe it was for the best that it was gone.

we did, however, come up with the idea to go to the shoppers home healthcare place to see if they rent them out too. and thought we'd just check in at shoppers first to see if they have any pumps for sale. in the end, we chose a manual pump that was on sale for $25. while we were there, i thought i'd get some longer pads, because i was having to wear 2 pads all the time because my water kept gushing from time to time. we picked some out and started towards the cash when shannon spotted some depends underpants. i had heard that depends were good for when your water spontaneously breaks, so i decided to get those instead. we really didn't know how much the depends would absorb (were they for dribbles or full on blabber expulsion), so we got the maximum absorbancy ones.

when we got home, we tried out the pump while brendan called susan again. she recommend that we use the pump for 15 minutes, then take a break for 45 minutes. i was lying down while using the pump and while i THINK i had contractions (i already can't remember all the details), it was hard to tell if it was because of the pump or the lying down. during our 45 minute break, we went for another walk, and i tried walking along the curb to help position the baby well (so that his head would press firmly against my cervix). i took the girls down this secret path behind the houses near my house. it's a neat spot that feels far from the city. i can see my sons playing there when they're bigger, even building a fort there. the path leads down to the oak street garden. i like being able to see in to my neighbours backyards.

while i tried my second 15 minute session on the pump, shannon (by then known as 'the party doula') got out some madlibs and we played while we waited. we also decided to order a pizza. while not a lot happened labour-wise, it was a fun day of hangout all together :) we had lots of laughs throughout the day. one thing that made us laugh was that for the last few hours i had kept talking about my breasts producing meconium while using the pump. i MEANT to say colostrum, but shannon didn't correct me and rach didn't notice for at least 2 hours :p

brendan had arranged with susan that we would go to the midwives clinic at 7:45 so she could run some tests and we could come up with a plan. as we ate dinner, i was saying how i was feeling anxious that things were too similar to last time, and worried that things were going to turn out the same way. i was surprised by this, because i had expected to feel worried about pushing my baby out, i hadn't expected things to be similar to last time. although, my water was clear, AND i was having contractions (even if they were random), so there was some differences.

anyway, 7:35 came around and we all headed out. b and i to the clinic and the girls were going to head home until we called them later on.

+3

it's been a LONG weekend without any plans. eamon's in a weird pesty mood these days, and it's tiring us out. thankfully, nancy offered to have him for a bit today, and after breakfast, he immediately got dressed and put on his shoes saying he was going to nana's. so i gave her a call and she was more than happy to have him.

so i got to sleep in til 10. then we went to the collins bay flea market. it was my first time there, which was ironic because i grew up in collins bay and had never been there before. it's been a flea market for ~25-30 years. before that it was a john's deli. i went there when it was john's deli and bought mini-chickets. anyway, after that we went for a long long walk at lemoine point. it was nice. more relaxing than it would've been with eamon.

this is a funny time in life. well, not funny 'haha', but funny as in interesting and unique. as far as i know, this is my final time waiting for baby. and that makes this really nice and special. it naturally dominates my thoughts. i feel torn between enjoying this familiar and predictable existence, and longing for my baby's arrival – and all the excitement and joy that can bring (and relief too).

i know that there are things you can do to bring on labour, but i'm actually opting to wait it out, rather than trying to influence something i can't/shouldn't. i'm quite convinced that all the interventions last time (great and small) only interfered with eamon's birth, instead of helping.

i have a lot of fears too. fears that they'll have to end up intervening if or when he goes way over due (when talking with a friend the other day, she told he how ratty and falling apart her placenta was when her baby was born 10 days late). i've been trying to avoid being induced, so i would be very said if they end up breaking my water. i'm also worried that my body will be slow to act – too slow. i can't say it's given me a lot of reason to be confident in its readiness to begin labour. then again, rach and alyssa both keep saying how well i dilated, even when induced. so maybe i should have more faith in my body's ability to birth well. i dunno. we'll find out eventually, i guess.

waiting is the hardest part

oh my goodness, i'm grumpy.

it seems i have run out of things to do, and now i'm just sitting pining for my labour to begin. it's not that there's nothing to do, it's just that there's nothing i'd rather be doing than taking care of my new baby and getting to know him. i'm grumpy and kind of mopey about it.

it doesn't help that i know i have a painful and difficult process ahead of me before i get hold said baby, so i just want to get that bit over with.

here's my plan...

have a short list of doable activities to fill my time between mope-sessions.

these activities will include napping, reading, eating.

i also have a few 'one-off' activities, such as watching the last episode of call the midwife, collecting the laundry off the line, taking a shower.

no need to feel sorry for me, i have generated enough self-pity on behalf of everyone.

also, no need to invite me to do stuff, because i already know i'm not interested.

blah, blah, blah.

keeping busy

last night i dreamt about labour all night. i dreamt about the nonnat-nuns and expired yogurt.

i felt pretty discouraged when i woke up. i'm so uncomfortable and just want my baby to be born. i sat in the living room feeling like "what the heck am i going to do with eamon today?". i'm super grateful for my partner who gave me lots of ideas and helped me get my day back on track. it's 8:45 and eamon and i have prepared some chocolate chip zucchini muffins, which are in the oven baking at this moment.

after they're ready, and we each eat one fresh from the oven, we'll head out to babies r us so i can buy a bassinet on wheels with my earnings from the casino. 

spoils

shannon and i went for our annual trip to the casino today. we went a few months early, because by the time november 6 comes around, my baby will only be 2 months old, so he wouldn't be allowed to come along.

things have changed at the gan casino since a new owner took over. just subtle things, and random things (for instance, there was a massive pile of crockpots in boxes for no clear reason).

as annual gamblers who have NEVER learned how to actually use a slot machine, we were very dumbfounded when within minutes of being there, i had more than doubled the amount of money i put into the machine. i could've just spent it all gambling, that would've been a legit approach, but i wanted to beat the casino for a change. since slot machines and casinos are usually rigged for the house to win.

annoying/inconvenient

life is weird. or maybe it's just people.

a couple years ago i had to put an alert on my credit after someone tried to scam me (claiming to be with visa). now, someone has used my credit card to set up an account with that exact credit bureau. who ironically did not catch this fraudulent activity. i had to call them myself when i saw some fishy charges.

not sure

i realize that i'm quite inexperienced with birth compared to many of my friends, and my last birth was not what i would consider normal. BUT i think i've been having contractions. just light ones. i don't know if my body is just practising or if it's the start of something. that said, i do know people who had contractions for several weeks before the birth, and with her first, my sister had contractions that stopped, but left her 4 cm dilated for a couple weeks. i don't know what's happening. only time will tell. i just know that i need to get past this bridal shower that i'm throwing/hosting tonight and i need to get my belly cast done asap. then i can rest easy and will feel free to birth this babe. 

squares

i think it's been four years since i stopped shaving my legs, and i'd have to say that i'm finally really happy with how my legs look. over the years, my leg hair was lightened and probably thinned out too (due to friction with my socks and pants). not only that, it's SO much more convenient than shaving. thankfully i stopped shaving before eamon was born, because i don't know how one would shave their legs while pregnant.

i had a consult at KGH today about my birth. first i saw a resident and then i saw the OB. it strikes me very odd that any young man would decide to be an OB. i'm not against male birth workers, i just would like to know what would make a guy decide to pursue that line of work. the resident i saw was very awkward. i've never had a man feel around on my belly to determine the position of my baby before. he didn't do it with much confidence. the midwives are much better at it, but maybe they're just more experienced. the actual OB was much more comfortable and really put me at ease. he was very encouraging of my plan for a VBAC, and very empathetic about my last c-section – he kept saying "that's tough". apparently only 3 to 4% of women have general anesthetic for their c-sections. thankfully i left there feeling quite positive, which was great. then i had a nice walk along the water front and sat on a bench for a while, enjoying the fact that i didn't have anywhere to be.

unemployed

last night, i had dream after dream about contractions and my water breaking. i woke up to still be very pregnant with no end in the immediate future.

it got me thinking though, about the difference between this pregnancy and last as i anticipate the birth. last time, it was mostly the birth experience that excited me. i was keen to see how it would unfold and what that would be like. this time, i'm keen for the birth because i want to meet this little man, to see his face, and to enjoy him outside my body with everyone else. i think that helps me manage any worry or concerns i have about the pain and challenges of childbirth.

i'm enjoying this little vacation i'm having. actually, it feels more like a break between jobs. it's good though. i've been crocheting a lot, and it's actually been quite a long time since i've done handcrafts because i haven't had a project, or need for anything. i like getting my handcraft creativity juices going again.

i guess it's been a while since i wrote :p my days have been quite full now that i'm not working.

last night, eamon had a sleepover at his nana's place, while b and i were at the mansion because b and the guys were performing. they did a GREAT job. they sounded awesome :) afterward, i didn't quite want to go home because i assumed it would be really hot in our house, so we drove down to the lake and sat chatting in our car. the odd thing about this, was that it was the park down by the lake where closeted gay men meet up for sexual encounters. we sat there in the car, watching single men wandering around alone, and occasionally disappearing with another man. it was a very odd activity to be a spectator for.