i'm just taking a break from my cleaning frenzy to bring you my thougts for today.
i was talking to melinda on msn this afternoon and it got me thinking. melinda and i have gone through lots of crap together, and as a result i don't think we have any delusions where each other are concerned. we love each other for our endearing qualities and our flaws. that's pretty unusual. we might say with our mouths that we love our friends for who they are, but the thing is... do we ACTUALLY know our friends flaws that well? would we really be accepting of those traits if we actually knew about them? melissa and i have been talking lately about how people only know what we show them. basically this means, a person only knows 2 shades of grey if that's all we show them. as a result they get the impression that we only have these 2 shades, except we have many others that we're just not showing. the question i want to bring before you is.... do you love me for who i am or for who you perceive me to be? (this question isn't exactly about me, but more how you view people in general.) i recognize that you may only be seeing what i show you, but its also possible that you're only seeing what you want to see. there's a great quote from simon and garfunkel that goes "a man sees what he wants to see and disregards the rest". i would like to think people would still love and accept me inspite my sneaky and bad behaviour. i would like to know that i would love you just the same too. actually, to take it a step further... i would like to know what i feel is legit even if you don't understand it.
so yes, i'm attempting to clean my entire abode. i feel buried under a pile of everything, both literary and figuratively. so i decided to clean my life up. to get on top of things once again. i want to connect with people again. i want to have a social life that engages me and makes me feel work is just a portion of my life and not the majority of it. so basically, if you'd like to get together some time, just lemme know, because i hate feeling like i'm chasing people for company.
i kind of feel like i resent you.
i've had a number of people giving me words of warning this week. i appreciate that they're concerned about me, because apparently i don't have the common sense to know any better. isn't it strange the way i feel like "i've seen this episode before, i know how its going to end" and yet i keep watching. actually, the strange thing is that when it ends, i'll be surprised eventhough i shouldn't be, because as i said "i've seen it before".
today was "awkward sunday" at church and i really liked it :)
these apples are delicious
7 comments:
only seeing what you want to see....
i think that is disco's problem. i told him, but i don't thing that he is seeing.
that's so frustrating. i'm afraid i'm guilty of that too. argh. i'm in a crappy mood. and i'm horribly late for work.
i feel like work is over-taking my life too. Someone actually left a self'help book in my mailbox at CTC entitled "Two Jobs; No Life." I'm not sure if it was a joke, or someone is seriously concerned about my work habits. We should hang out and get control of our social lives again.
wow, that's soo interesting. i can't believe that. i wonder who did that. i agree, we should hang out, do you want to see marie antonette with me?
sure! Let me know when you want to go.
hm.
I will have to settle for vicarious hanging out. want to spend some time on msn or the phone with me soon? hahah.. like we don't do enough of that already. although it sounds like I missed a small crisis. I think I understand. it will all be ok. :)
and I think that we show people more of ourselves than we intend to. it has happened a few times this year that some friend of mine has understood something about me that I myself did not know or at least really didn't think that I was showing. it is good to be known, even if you don't spend all the time talking.
like... if you live in agreement with your beliefs and values, people will see a huge chunk of you that you might think is hidden. it's a risk... they might not like it or accept it. but then, maybe you don't need someone who doesn't like or accept you.
it is a balance... accidental self-censorship and self-control.
I'm rambling. But you know that about me: I ramble. sometimes it makes sense, if you can connect the dots yourself.
linds, i'll email you, but i'm thinking fri or sat.
beck, i wish you were here. i need to buy a phone card and i would call you. we'll talk on msn though. it's funny how not talking for a day or two makes me feel out of touch with you. i read your blog today and was all like "what's going on?!?!?" nah, no resent melt-down. things are relatively quiet, just feeling sick still. we'll chat soon ;)
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