encounter

well this week is looking uber busy, especially this evening. so i thought to optimize my time i'd take a ten minute break at work to write today's entry.

as usual, i have much on my mind. one thing i've been pondering has been... considering women (and i realize this is a generalization) tend not to be very rational, under the right circumstances they can rationalize ANYTHING. very interesting. i think i'd like to be more like a man and learn to take everything at face value and not sit around with my friends and analyze the meaning of "hi lesley". i don't know, that's just me. or the NEW me.

sometimes i lonely for people i've never met.
sometimes i'm homesick for places i've never been.

sometimes, inspite the fact that i have a really great community around me, and really great friends, i still feel like i don't belong. where to do i fit?

have you ever had a conversation with someone that was kind of dry and dull until a certain point when you open up and finally talk about what's really on your mind? i've really been noticing that lately. i can tell when people are holding back and not sharing what's bothering them and i really feel for them. i think "if you'd just talk to me about what's on your mind then you'd feel much better and i would be relieved that we can have a REAL conversation". certain walls need to be shattered in order to live freely.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

goat

one of my favourite things about next church is each sunday when i wake up i never know what to expect. something different or unexpected tends to happen each week. this week soon after i arrived i was walking up the middle isle towards the back and saw jason sitting there. it really suprised me, i stopped and said hello then told him i was going to sit with him and went to grab my stuff. i guess none of you will realize this, but jason was my highschool boyfriend who i was with for 3 years. sitting next to him was familar/normal and yet very strange/weird. i should be careful what i say because he's been to the next website and may find the link to my blog on it. oh well, what can you do.... "hey jay!!" what amazes me is, inspite the fact that we broke up over 6 years ago, there are still parts of our lives that are intertwined and i guess nothing is ever going to change that. small things. for example al was talking about the movie "mystery men" and i'm positive that jay and i saw that in the theatre. i know, its not a big deal, maybe i can't really explain it. its also funny that people can change so much, and yet stay exactly the same. i wonder if i seem different to him too.... well you never know, maybe we'll become friends again. something i've recently been thinking is that sometimes certain "stories" aren't yet finished even when we think they are. for example the movie "before sunset" is about a "couple" (i use that term loosely here) who met one night on a train and were supposed to meet up again but never did. they both thought their story was over until they bumped into each other in a bookstore 10 years later. now i realize this may be a little hard for you to grasp what i'm getting at, but what i'm saying is we never know what's going to happen in a year, 6 months, a week or a day. maybe we shouldn't so quickly think "i guess that will never work out" that being a job, relationship, experience, trip or whatever. just because it fell apart now, doesn't mean another opportunity will slip by later. i find that encouraging. somethings just take time, and there's no need to rush what will happen naturally in its own time.

i had lunch with kristen today. she's leaving for australia on saturday. it blows my mind that a lot will change by the time she gets back, but i know it will. its just the season of our lives. everyone is facing change of some sort. i think sometimes i forget that life is like the shifting of the worlds plates, even though it appears solid and unchanging its just an illusion.

time is a force
and it will surely take its course

tinfoil

i'm having a nice quiet day in today. i keep thinking "oh i should invite so and so over to watch a movie with me" but then i think "nah, can't be bothered".

i'm currently taking a break from making a "next standard submission box" while letting the paint dry. i'm using rubber cement, it takes me back to my college days. i love how scent and music can trigger memories, its pretty incredible really. one thing i'm excited about moving for is setting up a studio space and start painting. i've been exposed to a lot of great art lately and being in wallacks today just got me more pumped. i can't wait for summer.

i had a really interesting conversation with rhonda last night. actually, it was just a small portion of our conversation but it really struck me as something significant. sometimes warning bells go off in our heads for a reason. and i shouldn't ignore it when my brain is telling me to stay away from someone or something. that also coincides with a conversation i had with joy last week. she was saying that a cop-friend of our family was telling her "if you find someone creepy go with that instinct and don't underestimate it". there have been several times where i disregarded those feelings and in hindsight i realize i shouldn't have. so basically i've concluded i'm a smart girl and i shouldn't second guess myself.

your father in heaven, he made the world in seven,
can you put a good word in for me?

skywalker

I JUST GOT MY NOSE PIERCED!!!

AAAHHHH!!! can you believe it!!! i'm in denial or something. i'm not sure what i think of it, its a little bigger than i wanted so i'm unsure, but irina really likes it so that's encouraging. ooooh, i dunno.... ahhhhhhh. i really want to like it. i just spent 70 bucks on it, i better like it! knickers is gonna kill me, but she's been so downright rotten lately that i figured "who cares?!?!!" yes, quite exciting really. for those of you not around (or no longer working because you're now on maternity leave) i put some pics on my flickr account. i hope you like it, and at the same time i hope you don't just say you like it to be nice.

so this morning as i made my bed i got thinking about my friend lana. we rarely have contact, but we went on a road this summer and had a really fun time. then when i'd been at work for 15 minutes the phone rang and there was this woman with a chinese accent saying "you're at work already??" it was lana!! it was sooo nutts. she said she'd been thinking about me this morning but didn't have my number only my business card. it was so funny and random! so i got her email address and i'm going to go visit her in T.O. some weekend in march. she's really awesome and i really admire her. lana gave me my chinese name "ting-ting". there was some debate over its meaning, she claims it means "young girl" and vanessa another hong-kongese girl in our old office said it means "stream or river". one of our co-workers overheard that and suggested it means "babbling brook" due to my excess talking :( but mrs kinney loves me so i take no offense at her little jab.

you say that its black when i know that its white.
its always the same, its just a shame that's all.

sassy

well i'm at it again. another day another blog entry.

ooohh, i'm sooo excited. i'm seeing stars on monday and metric on tuesday!! i just picked up my metric tix. yay, hurray!! somebody's gonna be napping a lot after work next week ;)

argh, i hate it when i can't remember the topic i was going to discuss today. sometimes i think of something and look forward to coming home to writing about it. oh i know. just remembered... i've started looking for an apartment for may. i thought i'd pass on the info to you in case you hear of or see anything that would suit me.

fru fru and i are looking for a one bedroom apartment (preferrably not a basement) with parking. i'd like to be around the mcburney (a.k.a. skelton) park area (next church neighbourhood) but any place downtown would be alright just not too far from princess. i'm wanting something in the $550 to $650 range. i'd like something in a house (house converted into apartments) as opposed to an apartment block. and extra utilities is ok. there that's about it. lemme know if there's anything i've missed.

i've concluded that sometimes i look like "the joker" when i laugh – its all in the pointy eyebrows. i'll try not to be annoyed by it. my doctor told me once "lesley, when you look at your face, try not to be too critical". he has a good point.

have i ever told you that i hate my mailman? our collective dislike started many months ago when he started putting blue elastic bands around everything. i mean EVERYTHING. is sooo bloom'n annoying. i think to myself "really, is this necessary??" we've even lost several bills because they were inside a folded magazine held shut by the behated blue elastic band. our house is swimming in these stupid elastics. our mailman hits my "rage" button...

i was thinking about this today, so i thought i'd draw it to your attention:
everyone is different
no two people are not on fire. aww.

this one was overcome, yet you lost in the end.
you are on your way.

station

today has been a real jumble of moods. its been almost difficult, because i don't even know what i think or how i feel about my life. its like i'm looking through a kaledioscope, its confusing.

i feel pretty exhausted. i think i'd gotten burnt out and i'm still recovering from that. may this be a lesson to me. i was thinking today that every experience i have changes me somehow. and i think taking on too much stuff and getting burnt out has taught me my limitations. good to know. i feel as though i'm being refined. each day i'm slightly different than the person i was yesterday. i'm like water, constantly changing shape and yet my substance is the same.

i'm sure some of you have heard me talk about this before, but my theory is: i'm exactly the same person as i was when i was 6 years old. i'm still this kid in my head and who i am is no different. my circumstances change. my reactions and my views change, but i am unchanged and will remain unchanged. i hope i'm explaining myself clearly.

i've been feeling really shy lately, just the last couple days. actually maybe since i got sick last week & burnt out. i sure hope my outgoing side comes back. i just need to continue lying low and recoupe. i'm not entirely sure if its shyness exactly, i just feel like i don't have anything interesting to say.

i really enjoyed melinda's show today on cfrc. it was really funny because she would make these comments and they were like inside jokes between me and her. i was cracking up in my cube as i listened.

same old thing but i don't know which way to go.

pro bono

I'M SO HAPPY!!

i'm totally on a natural high right now. i'm just so excited about life!!

i'm in my room (my clean room), working on the youth for christ newsletter, listening to cut copy. actually, cut copy with everything makes me super happy or should i say super dancy. cut copy & dishes, cut copy & cleaning, cut copy & chillin. awesome. does life get any better than this? seriously...

the next few months hold a lot of changes for me and the people around me. what's gonna happen? i don't know. and right now, i'm ok with that. for the first time in my life i'm not totally freaked by change. maybe its this new whole "roll with the punches" mentality i've developed. or maybe its just apart of being content.

so i woke up quite well rested this morning. that's refreshing. i hope i sleep ok tonight. although, usually designing in the evening makes me really wired. i'm hoping to get lots done tonight and then watch gilmore girls at 10 in my jammies. so maybe my brain will be a little more relaxed by 11.

oh baby. i'm just so freakin happy. i'm gleeful even.

i draw near to you. i sink deep down into you.

concentrate

tonight as i drove melinda down to the goat she says to me "sometimes i do stupid things, but not usually. i don't usually like to stalk men in they're workplace of work". hahaha. melinda is an infatuated crackhead. i love it. sometimes its great being a girl. sometimes i feel like "lets all be retarded together". hahahaha.

man, i was up sooo late last night that when i woke up i felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach repeatedly. i was not in good shape. i've got to go to bed early tonight. i'll aim for 9 in hopes of being in bed by 9:30, maybe 10 at the latest.

i'm trying this new thing... i'd like to respond more truthfully when people say "hi, how are you?". not like i've been lying, but i don't want to just let "fine" roll off my tongue without any thought. on the other hand a brutally honest answer isn't appropriate either. a couple weeks ago, april passed a man in the hall and did the whole "how are you" thing and he was like "oh, i'm doing better. went through a rough patch with the missus, she almost kicked me out..." she was stunned. not exactly what you'd expect. i'm going to chose a happy medium, like today for example "hi lesley, how are you?" "oh i'm alright, feeling a little tired but not bad. how bout you?" see? that also expands the conversation some because they can say "oh, why are you tired?"

my sister is always saying "i don't understand how you can have a blog. saying all that personal stuff on the internet..." i've tried to explain it to her. and have also pointed out its only as personal as you want it to be. perhaps i'm too open sometimes. man, i think i'm in some kind of commenting drought right now. where are all the commenters?? i'm lonely for my commenters... man, i am sooo overly dramatic. is everyone as melodramatic as me? melinda is, but since when is mindy the social norm. i think i'm doomed.

well i should go. i have some loafing to do before i go to bed.

i'm so glad that i'm an island now.

yes

i'm liking melinda's dreamy state. its cute and very entertaining. but something new has come to my attention. the concept of "mutual stalking". i think we're all guilty of "googling" our crushes names. but the thought never crossed my mind that it could go both ways. it turns out that melinda and "the bus driver" have both googled each other. aww, how romantic. its amazing how the line between "romantic" and "creepy" is so fine. i once had a guy drop an origami bird on my table in the caf in college, it was extremely creepy because the guy was, well, creepy. BUT if he'd been someone cute or interesting or someone i was into it would have been very romantic. see what i'm saying? like i know a girl who pined over this guy for 7 years, and finally they hooked up (yes, urban legend turned reality – friends CAN turn into lovers), but if they'd never gotten married, no wait, if they'd never dated at all, it would have just been some pathetic girl crushing on a loser who didn't see her true value. i don't know.

i'm going to enjoy the new drama in our lives and appreciate the fact that my life is dramaless and try to keep it that way.

all of that time you thought i was sad, i was trying to remember your name.

itchy

ahh... sigh. what a relief! i've finally cleaned my room. it was an utter disaster since last saturday when i was rumaging thru my drawers trying to decide what to wear to fake prom. both melinda and irina were saying "i don't know how you can be in here with such a mess". but i made sure to leave it until i had time and didn't clean it when i stayed home sick that day. i needed to recoup.

this morning i woke up feeling like i needed some "me time" so i took myself on a date. with myself :) we went to... oh that just makes me sounds insane. i went to morrisons for breakfast and then went to the sleepless goat for a pot of tea. i also stalked an apartment i'm interested in renting in may.

so caleb is turning out to look exactly like me. its really interesting. joy is constantly startled when she catches glimpses of him from certain angles and is blown away by the resemblance. this is a very unusal experience for me, for once instead of being told "oh you have mcknight eyes" or "you have your uncle's nose", its now "caleb's nose is just like yours!!" i like it. we've always been very detached from the mcknights, and in many ways i can understand how it would feel to be adopted because my mom and joy look very much a like and have the same hands & feet, i never saw how i fit into the family tree. it wasn't until i was 18 that i realized that i wasn't some freak with an unusually large gap in her toes – all my mcknight cousins have that too! really i bet caleb is going to look a lot like my dad. but we don't have any pics of him younger than 15ish so we have nothing to compare him to. my baby pics look identical to cabe.

i can see the future now but only when i blink.

chaos

i'm totally into jim guthrie right now. melinda was teasing me about it. it is really strange actually. because like, i saw him in concert about a year & a half ago and at the time didn't know any of his stuff. i mostly went to hang out with melinder & andrew. but now i'm all jim guthrie all the time. for the last few entries and my msn name have included guthrie quotes. i always seem to go see bands or musicans that i'm not familar with then get into them afterwards. that's why i'm so psyched about stars in a couple weeks, because i'm a big fan. i heart stars.

today we had a surprise baby shower for mayelin. april sent everyone an email telling us that the location of our party was changed, i stupidly responded (with history) to her and included mayelin telling them about my day at home sick. so of course she sees the info at the bottom of the email and the email title. sometimes i'm retarded. its like the time i was telling joy right in front of my mom's friends, that my dad spilled the beans that she (joy) was pregnant, meanwhile my mom hadn't told her friends yet because they'd just had a miscarriage. again, sometimes i'm retarded.

i'm babysitting with my dad tonight, and am having dinner with j+t before hand. she's feeling all cooped up and caleb is teething so he's driving her crazy. i'm gonna vege out and wear comfy clothes.

can you make something out of nothing?

freak out

well... all i can say is: there is no wrath like a woman scorned. believe you me, i've burn many a bridge in fits of anger, but nothing like my last one. i feel bad because i totally ruined a friendship – a friendship i really enjoy. and i WILL miss him. but i just couldn't do it anymore, my heart was involved and i kept being jerked around. part of me wants to apologize for the harshness of my words, to somehow repair his opinion of me. but on the other hand i'm really glad i let him have it, maybe he'll think twice before leading another girl on. whatever, he's not the first guy to think i'm nutts and probably won't be the last.

whatshisface: if you DO ever read this (which i doubt you ever will), i'm sorry for the things i said...

well i stayed home from work today. i'm just printing out the standard and then i'll be able to go back to vegging on the couch. hmm and i think i'll brush my teeth too. gross. i watch mens figure skating today and i saw one of the bombardier commericals. have you guys seen them??? its funny to me that i see the streetcar and immediately know "that's milan". i'm totally like the people in the commericals, everywhere i go "ouh, that's a bombardier train" "that's a bombardier plane". its kind of embarrassing that those people are supposed to be all stupid and obsessed and i'm like that in real life. hahahaha. oh well, i'm proud of my bombardier. you should be TOO. melissa said she sees those commercials and thinks of me, its cute.

well my teeth are begging to be brush so i should go.

grass whithers, flowers fall

invisible

well i think i've discovered what's been causing the burning in my stomach. subconsciously, to counter-act the stress i'm been trying to convince myself "it doesn't really matter" which i think may have made matters worse. it just makes me feel dumb that it matters to me even if it doesn't matter to anyone else. i've concluded that its ok for it to matter to me, but explaining that to my stomach is a totally different story. you know, i think the reason why i'm upset is because it makes me feel like i don't matter. why don't i matter? its frustrating and hurtful.

i'm sick or gradually getting sick. its annoying. i wish i was either sick or healthy. i came home a couple hours early today and skipped the Y. i think i've been trying to fit too much in my life. like this evening alone i had 3 things planned. tisk, tisk les. just because you have a few spare hours doesn't mean you should fill them up. if i'm still feeling not good i'm going to stay home tomorrow and relax all day. that may be hard, i'm feeling really high strung. my heart feels as though its beating unusually fast. uh-oh.

melinda and i are going to see shopgirl tonight. we both read the book a long time ago and are excited about the movie. its just a little thin book so i think they'll be able to stick to the plot closely. i have to say, steve martin isn't at all how imagined the older man so this should be interesting. it makes sense though since he wrote the book.

good-bye until hello

strobe

i'm falling asleep. i'm very tired. plus, i'm starting to wonder if i have mono. can you get mono twice?? i'm gonna have to look into that. it stays in your system, so you can't give blood. i guess its possible then and my symptoms are similar...

last night i was really wound and was up until midnight. as i got into bed, melinda stood in my room talking to me. then she stayed after she turned off the light. after a while she sat down on my bed as we talked then eventually got into bed with me. hahahaha. it was funny. and fun.

so tell me something... if you see the guy you like in a café with a girl on valentine's day what do you think that means? nothing maybe? it would mean nothing to me. i'd have coffee with a guy on valentine's day and it wouldn't mean anything, but not everyone is like me. some people are very nostalgic about these things. hmmm. seriously, i'm asking you a question...

ok, well i've gotta boogie.

you can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway.

boycotte

wow, i can't believe how painfully slow this issue of the standard is going. this is my first one in 2 months and i have terrible designer's block. and to make matters worse, i need to get it done tonight because i'm super busy the rest of the week. argh, i don't know what i'm gonna do. maybe i've been taking on too much. but i can't help myself, i like all the things i do.

my stomach has been in knots for days now. this happens from time to time. my stomach is very sensitive, if i'm upset it goes right to my gut. i can't figure out what's upsetting me. usually when its unexplainable i spend a couple days racking my brain trying to figure out what's bothering me. usually it is because there always a reason behind it. although there have been times when it was nothing at all, and really in hindsight it may have just been my stupid acid reflux. i shake my fist at you!!!

tomorrow night i'm going to the sleepless goat at 8 to see melinda accompany a duo called "kyra & tully" on her cello. i'm excited. if you're not busy, come on by!! i know, i haven't given you much notice. i stink. all my single friends and friends in "undefined relationships" are especially invited.

well back to work... i've got to wrap this thing up.

this heart is breaking.

shrink

its interesting how you can perceive someone in a certain way and in fact have them all wrong. i've been thinking about this recently because my trip to p-burgh shone new light onto knickers. she's a very fearful person. i had NO idea. i think that's why she's so over protective of me. because she sees me thru scared eyes and under-estimates me.

i think that's what it comes down to, we impose ourselves onto other people. i had a friend once who always told me that i was actually really dull, boring, unwild and lame (nice friend huh?). it used to really frustrate me that he had me SOOO wrong, but i couldn't bash it into his friend that i wasn't a lamo loser. but in hindsight, HE is all those things (i'm not saying that to be mean, its actually true). i have another friend who is always saying that i'm adventurous, bubbly, crazy and wild, that's intriguing because he's actually really hyper himself. do you see what i'm saying?

how often do we misinterpret people? how often do we reveal ourselves incorrectly, letting someone have the wrong impression of us? hmmm, i think i do that more often than i'd like.

so i went to fake prom last night. hahahaa. it was really fun. i'm so glad i went. i didn't know anyone and meghan was really super busy, but that was ok. some people came and started chatting with me and we ended up dancing and i danced the entire night. it feels good to be able to go and mingle with a bunch of strangers and have a good time. that is really new for me. i've never been like that before. i guess its one of those "you never know what you're capable of until you do it" things. thanks for inviting me meghan :)

you can be in love for eight years and fall in love again.

lebanon

I'M BACK!! did you miss me???

well i had a totally awesome fun time in blitzburgh!! its a really amazing city, i had no idea it was so hilly/mountainy. i've never seen such a place, i was so facinated as i drove around in the back of my mini limousine.

i made it to the andy warhol museum and it was really great. i'm soooo glad i made it. it was really funny because all the staff were these young artsy people who just sat around and reaked of anti-establishment. i found it so facinating because they were clearly fine art students and here in canada you can't work in a museum unless your bilingual so they don't hire just anybody. it was a really nice old building, and all the art was so vivacious, it was really inspiring.

after that i went to the hotel and went swimming for a half-hour. i swan and sung and splashed. it was great. then i used the gym and had a mircowave dinner. i had such a full day and i have to say... i'm a pretty good companion!!

here's a pic of me on my kingsized bed. i slept sideways because it was as wide as it was long!! i'm gonna load some more photos from my trip onto my flickr account so maybe check that out.

the rest of the time went really well. i can't be bothered to go into it all. i had a good time at the office and met about 25 people. they were all so excited to meet me. i didn't realize i was so famous!! i'm serious!!

perhaps it seems odd that a casual meeting on the street could have brought about such change. but i really do think that if you'd been there to see what i saw, and feel what i felt, the same might have happened to you.

all's fair in love and war??

i am sooo passive aggressive. i've gotten my nose slightly bent out of shape over something stupid. so in turn, i'll try to avoid and ignore this person while they remain completely unware of the fact that my feelings have been hurt. yes, i am pathetic. no one knows it better than me.

well i'm all packed and ready to go first thing tomorrow. i adore that all my friends are so excited about this trip with me. its really cute since its just pittsburgh i know that's not a big deal, but its really significant to me because its a business trip. and i guess that's why everyone shares my excitment.

marilyn and frank have helped me plan my escapade to the andy warhol museum behind knickers' back. i said "knickers will kill me if she knew i was calavanting around pittsburgh all on my own" and marilyn said "what she doesn't know won't hurt her..." right on. she's all teaching me to be sneaky and crafty ;)

i should run, i've got to go get some american money and pick up a glamour magazine.

just to float on a sea find myself on a page of history.

hindsight

well i'm trying to get my laundry done. and then i need to pack a little. but that's kind of hard to do until the morning of. like there's all this stuff you have to leave out until the day you leave. so i found out today that francisco is taking the same flight as me. that should be a riot, fran is probably the best traveling companion i could choose from work. he's really fun.

i was just looking on the internet for some info on this hotel i'm staying at. i'll be there all by myself, not even fran will be there with me. i'm psyched. i'll swim in the pool, use the gym, watch the cable t.v. awe, it will be a mini holiday/adventure. here's my digs.

there's a new guy at work and it turns out i know him. he went to another youth group in town and my youth group used to have joint events with them sometimes. it was interesting because he knew who i was immediately. it surprised me because although i know him, i just assumed i was invisible. i always know people and they never know me, or at least i don't think they do. there's this one couple at church that i keep seeing everywhere and because i've never actually met them before i end up snubbing them. one of these days i'm gonna have to introduce myself to them so i can stop being rude. because i'm pretty sure they know who i am in this case. i'm a rude dude.

you're going to tell me the answers
i'll know
when you come back to me.

vespa

i had plans with alison to go out for lunch. we then invited hordes of other people along and ended up with a group of 7 people. it was really funny because they sat us at this massive table, and it felt like meghan was sitting miles away and i kept waving at her.

as i sat around the banquet table i got thinking how all of them other than kristen are students. and that totally blows because they'll all move away in a couple months. actually, not meghan yet, but next year. that's the total down side to becoming friends with students. i was telling this to melinda who suggested i have an anti-students rule, but that seems a little unreasonable.

so i had an incredibly unproductive afternoon, i had a nap, watched the t.v., knitted. that's it. i really should have been doing my laundry, and i have no excuse because its not like i have to go anywhere, we have laundry facilities. i'll have to do it tomorrow night, then pack tuesday because i'm leaving for pittsburgh on wednesday. i don't know how i'm gonna fit everything in the next few days, i'm going to my mom's for dinner tomorrow then to the Y. and on tuesday i'm going to see reno's hitman at battle of the bands with sarah.

i've been moody to the extreme today. hyper, giddy, shy, crabby, tired, smiley. when melinda first got up this morning she saw me and knew immediately that something was up "what did you do???" were her first words. i love that she knows me so well that she can see right through me. like, it doesn't take much for someone to recognize that its unusual for me to wake up happy, but the fact that she questioned the REASON is the key.

come baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehaviour.

eat a sandwich

i love that when melinda and i went to windmills today we sat on the same side of the booth.

i love that when beckie and i went to tim horton's tonight we had an explicit/very personal conversation.

this afternoon i once again found my room in utter chaos. i thought i'd take a before & after photo to shame myself into keeping it tidy. so lets see how long i can keep this up...

to the pure you are pure.

capri

i have a very petite kat sitting on my desk between me and my keyboard. its making typing very difficult...

i just got home from babysitting joelle and caleb. they're totally awesome, i love 'em to pieces!! its amazing watching this little baby grow into this little person with weird quirks. caleb moves constantly! and joelle is obsessed with her glasses, when we were colouring in her baber colouring book she made me draw glasses on all the elephants. hahahaha. like what a weirdo! seriously, everyone is born with strange neurosis, we couldn't have taught her to be that way.

my dad and i always tag-team babysit as the "dynamic duo". its some good quality time together, which is nice. i like that he's really interested in what i do and asks me all sorts of questions, i think that's where i get that from. whenever he reads about BBD in the newspaper he always brings me a copy of the article, its cute and funny because usually i've already read about it at work, its a nice jesture though.

i'm feeling a little rancid. i sure hope i'm not getting sick. i've been nauseous since yesterday, there's some kind of bug going around, i don't want to get it. i don't have time to be sick. like living room is starting up again this sunday and then i'm going to pittsburgh on wednesday.

i have this thing about "expanding my vocabulary". i think that brits have a larger grasp of the the english language that us canadjuns. sometimes it surprises me what new words come out of my mouth unpremeditated. is that a word?? ok that doesn't count. i realize that.

will i ever reach the shore?

scissors

hahahahaha, you know what i realized?? i have this note from melinda taped to my monitor as a reminder to not do stupid things. no one ever sits at my computer other than me so i've never thought anything of it. but i realized that michel totally would have seen it yesterday. ahahaha, its a really funny note. i WOULD tell you what it says, BUT i know without a doubt that you'd ALL know what it means, inspite its obsurity and you'd be like "huh? oh she... ahhh...". i'm sure you're thinking "oh no, not me, i won't know what its referring to" but believe me.... you would.

i read once "when you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but a confusion. its only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all". i'd have to agree with that. you have to keep in mind every day that THIS is your life, and not some prelude. there's this person i know who is unhappy with how her life has turned out, and spends her time mopping about it. and i just want to shake her and say THIS IS YOUR LIFE! START LIVING IT OR THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE THAT YOU WASTED IT COMPLAINING!! gotta love that john lennon line "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". i am now. i only exist in this moment.

i am neither the victim or the villian of this story.

rice

things went well with michel today. it was really funny because i kept pumping him with questions "why this", "why that", then i got into questions about switzerland, and germany, and the russian occupation of east germany, until he said "lesley... i'm only here one day!" so many questions! i didn't realize i was such an inquizitive person, but it makes sense kind of. i do like to know stuff. and i retain info like a sponge. he's a real cutie, slightly different than i expected but not a lot really. it was surreal because i'd hear his voice and knew it was him, but didn't recognize the face it was with. he's very soft spoken.

well i went to the toucan tonight to meet up with april and mayelin. a group of us from work were supposed to be going, however, no one other than me and this guy ken showed up. it was a tad awkward. i felt like i was on a date with him minus any attraction or desire to be around him. thankfully i could make good conversation with a lamp post if need be, so we chatted easily for quite a while. good thing i'm a train nerd that's all i can say.

its not a big thing
its almost small
a passing coversation
that's all
but there it is
a revelation
here it comes
the irritation

xenophobe

sometimes i'm stupid, and sometimes i have mental problems... beckie just came over and gave me a swift kick in the butt.

so melissa gave me an interesting topic to discuss today "what do we want to tell ourselves and others through our choice of clothes?" intriguing question... it has always been the opinion of me and my wife melinda that clothes is a means of self-expression. for ten years now i've been wearing nothing but bellbottoms for pants. we quickly discovered that once you cross then line to bells you can't go back. wearing "tappered" pants is difficult for me, they make my ankles feel like their choking. but also, i feel more like myself in big bells similar to feeling more like myself as my hair has grown back. but what am i trying to express via my bells? hmmm, i'm not quite sure. for a long time it was "non-conformity", but as flares became more mainstream that message was lost. clothes are very revealing, they can place people in a certain genre, you can often identify a person's interests, career, taste in music by what they wear. i highly doubt anyone would be surprised to hear i'm a graphic designer by seeing how i dress - normal lesley, not business lesley... i have to admit, business lesley is a bit of a bummer. although, being a designer gives me certain liberties, that's how i can justify getting a nose ring. people will say "oh that's lesley, she's artsy" frig, my families been saying that for years!! artsy fartsy, artsy fartsy.

tomorrow, michel is coming down from st. bruno to do some training with me (st. bruno is a suburb of montreal where we have an office). i'm excited because he's gonna be training to do more work for group, which is good because it increases my value. however, i'm a little nervous because i've been working with him for 2 & a half years over the phone & over email and have never even seen a picture of him. will he be how i expect? will i live up to his expectations? he's really excited about meeting me which is really interesting. for along time i didn't think he particularly liked me, but its a french thing i think. actually he's from switzerland originally. yay! i got it right, i get switzerland & sweden confused all the time. never fails.

maybe somethings wrong with you that makes you act the way you do. maybe i am crazy too!

avocado

you know when you're just going along in life, things are going well and you've put something behind you that's been difficult to let go of. then out of the blue, life throws a wrench in your spokes?? argh, i hate that!!! but you know what?!?! i've been doing really good and i won't let this unravel me. i'm not gonna "2-step back" this time. i won't entertain the "what does this mean?" question because i know in my head it doesn't mean a thing, no matter how it looks. history & past patterns need to play a role here in reminding me to stand firm.

it's weird that doing weights at the Y is giving me callouses on my hands. its gross!! i'm not a fan of callouses, i keep hoping they're gonna go away like a blister does. they were my main deterrent to learning to play the guitar, i tried but it hurt, and my hands are kind of little. my mom was teaching me, she's very musical. she plays the guitar, piano and can play the accordian too! hahahaha. for years and years she wanted to learn how to play the drums and did a couple years back. she hasn't played the guitar (or according for that matter) for ages. its a shame i didn't take after her. i took piano lessons as a kid, but when my mom asked mrs. slack if i showed any talent she said "no" and that was the end of that. but that's ok i have other talents, maybe... joy used to make fun of me and say i didn't have any gifts or talents. then recently realized that was a horrible thing to say and appologized. i'm one of those people who was always just mediocre at everything and didn't excel at anything. but i guess as i've gotten older my skills have become more obvious. like i'm particularly good at stomping on that koopa in the castle in super mario 3... i can start driving on a hill in my standard car without needing the parking break... umm... well i'm a good designer, but i only ever got average grades in college. but graphic design is very subjective, and the people in my class who had the highest marks aren't even working in the industry, so who's laughing now?!?!? i don't mean to sound down on myself. i'm a really nice person, i'm fun and lovely (as pam would say). i guess my "soft skills" make up for my lack of "hard skills". its ok, i accept that. i'm me, and i wouldn't want it any other way...

you can't find nothing at all, if there was nothing there all along.

constant

i love dancing alone in my house. when we saw feist a few weeks ago i was watching some drunk people dance and thought "ah, that's exactly why i dance at home".

ok enough dancing, time to get down to some serious writing. you know what i think is very interesting?? several people have told me that i'm a good writer. that surprises me because even though i enjoy writing, i've always been told by teachers and my boss that i was a crappy writer. so i wouldn't have thought that's something i'm particularly good at, but other people see that quality in me. that's why relationships are so important, friends and family can identify things in us that we can't see in ourselves. it was melinda and my mom who encouraged me to become a graphic designer. i would never have considered it, i really appreciate their support and push in the right direction. i've also been told that i'm very articulate, which is another thing that surprises me. i tend to stumble over my words or combine words. i get that from my dad, i don't know if its genetic or a habit i picked up from him. its one of those nature vs. nurture questions. oh another thing (i'm apparently on a roll here), laney has said a number of times "you know yourself very well". what an interesting observation, i didn't realize that was an unusual quality. the way i see it, i spend more time with myself than anyone else, so i tend to analyse myself a great deal.

well i made some spaghetti this afternoon and packed it up for my lunch tomorrow. i'm all set for another week of work. i couldn't find any pomegranates in a&p today. oh no!! what am i gonna do?? i only have a quarter pomegranate left :(

i'd like to give a big hello and welcome to dawna! and congratulations on the birth of your baby, maya. her name is maya right? very pretty name.

i listen to the wind of my soul, where i'll end up well i think only God really knows.

buttons

when i was a kid we'd go to morrisons for lunch on saturdays pretty often. every time i'd just get a plate of french fries because i was too scared to branch out. i'm still like that, but not the same extent. anyway, everytime we went the owner (who works the till) would be like "oh, you're such a cute little girl. would you like to come home with me??" everyone would laugh and think awww, but i was really shy and never knew what to say. its kinda confusing for a little kid. today melinda and i went there for breakfast and he was still there working the till but had no idea that i was that kid grown up. it was kind of trippy.

speaking of me branching out... i'm going out for curry tonight. i'm not a huge curry fan, its that dang british palette. but i'm trying to broaden it. i've been told you have to try something 10 times to acquire a taste if you don't like it immediately. so this will probably try number 5 or 6.

i've been finding it hard writing entries lately. well actually, only yesterday and today. i think its because i have all this stuff on my mind that would actually not be appropriate or fair to talk about.

i need you so much closer.

wedge

some people are stupid, some people have mental problems.... its a harsh reality. i may get frustrated, i may not be able to fathom other people's minds. but it doesn't matter. i just have to shrug my shoulders and think "some people are stupid, some people have mental problems". what can you do?

tis the season for cinnamon hearts. oh yes, cinnamon hearts are one of my seasonal obsessions. today i ate so many that they made my tongue the same colour as my neon-pink hat. it was AWEsome.

i'm a little tired right now. i've been having a really hard time getting up in the morning. so much so that when i first get out of bed i feel like vomitting. oh man, its brutal. i am NOT a morning person. but hurray!! tomorrow is saturday and i will sleep and sleep and lie in bed until i feel like getting up. which means anytime between 12:30 and 3:00. right on!!

i like holding a pencil when i'm thinking. today, after thinking, i stuck the pencil in my hair and walked around the office like that for the entire afternoon. people kept looking at me funny, and one woman laughed at me. it wasn't holding up a bun or anything, it was just sticking out the side. i don't know why i did it. i just wanted to.

when we went to the knock knock ginger concert a few weeks back irina had a paint brush in her hair. it was awesome, like "hello... this is my housemate irina. she's in fine-art." it was great. she's in ottawa with her parents, they took her to see the ballet. it house seems lopsided without her around. irina has only lived here a few months, so i find it interesting that my brain is clueing into the fact that something's just not right without her here. i like that i talk about my brain like its a seperate entity.

one way or another we're always bound to touch the issues we try to skirt around.

stains

marilyn bought me these mitts and a toque. they're really colourful and the wool is very stringy. she saw them in a store and thought "lesley would like these, and knickers would hate them!!". that's totally awesome!! i love that she did that.

irina and i were just watching "top ten tragic deaths in rock n' roll" on much more music. i was surprised at how many i guessed ahead of time. and as expected, john lennon was number one. john is my favourite beatle. and that's saying a lot because i'm a mad beatles fan.

i find it interesting that some people are just born old, and other people stay young their whole lives. there are people who as they get older they seem more like themselves, and other people leave you thinking "what?? that person is 62??" seriously. joy's a little bit like that first option, where i'm like the second option. being a mom suits her. i'll settle for the fave aunt who will take joelle to get her nose pierced and will give caleb a mohawk. i gave joel a mohawk once, twice maybe. sarah, do you remember that? it was when he was going through that blond-hair stage. man, that joel, he's a character.

i'm toying with the idea of creating a website. i think i'll have to talk to tim forbes for some advise. but seriously, as a designer it would be a good idea. what if i get laid off and need to find a job? having a website would be a good way of showcasing my work. also, i don't know a lot about web design, but am starting to dabble with in via work, and creating a webpage would be a good way to practise that. expand my ability a little. however, the question is... what will i have on this site? i don't really know. but i got thinking about ed today, this guy i went to college with. he's a good friend of matt's (they both have small wrists, so they formed "the small wrist possé"). he has a nice little and rather vague website for self-promotion. its actually really nice. i like the photography section inparticular. here have a look see. i'm gonna brain storm on this one for a while.

i wish that i knew what i know now when i was younger

some people have beards

HELP, HELP, THIS WOMAN NEEDS HELP!!
will someone please point me in the direction of the path of MOST resistance??

i have a problem... and he wears a red t-shirt.

i find it interesting that my sister is always telling me "just be yourself", but what if yourself is someone who's incredibly neurotic??

i'd like to get into the habit of flossing regularly. is once a day enough? perhaps i should floss after every meal? i wonder what the dentist would say? well not my dentist because he's a lunatic. oh, that reminds me, it was about this time of year a couple years back that i got my wisdom teeth out. i should post a pic. its very scary. prepare yourself, what you're about it see is shocking and not suitable for the faint-hearted....

you know what i just realized?? i used to have this crazy superstition about january. i could think of something bad that happened in january for about 5 years straight. but you know what?? last year nothing bad happened!! so i guess that's done. i think its partly to do with making better decisions. yay, for making better decisions!! life is what you make it. good decisions or bad decisions, ultimately up to you.

oh i do believe in all the things you say
what comes is better than what came before

crack addicts

i went to "the banff film festival world tour" tonight with kristen. it was really narly!! most of them were about extreme sports, like free-ride biking, white-water rafting, parachuting, skiing and so on. it got me all pumped. not like i'm going to go out there and try some extreme sport. i'm way too clumsy and accident prone for that. i got wondering "who are these people, and how can they afford this sport? don't they have jobs? how can they spend all their time traveling around jumping off high things??" i couldn't do that, i have to go to work. i'm all a slave to my osap loan so even if i wanted to be adventurous i'm hindered. however, i realized... one day soon (well not soon exactly, but in a few years) i'll have that osap loan paid off, i'll have enough years experience under my belt as a designer that i could take off and do something different and radical for a while. now i'm all glad i didn't buy that house, because after my osap i won't have any ties or obligations and will be FREE!! hurray!! oh, kristen didn't realize i bailed on the house thing. obviously it's been a while since we talked. actually, talking to KT was an inspiration in itself, she's talking about moving to far off places and was convincing me my nose isn't too small for a nose ring. well much to think about. maybe its not "life in a convent" for me after all.

hey melinda stop reading over my shoulder as i write. and yes, i will leave this sentence in my entry...

i told someone something a long time ago i meant it at the time but now i just don't know.

wake up

ok so, i performed my civic duty today by voting for the Marxist-Leninist party. hahahaha. don't ask...

i finished my 10" square for the student's against poverty quilt on saturday, but had unfortunately missed the deadline. so i emailed the girl and she said the date had been pushed back so i could still drop off my square at the gray house before 9:30... now, i didn't go to queen's so i wasn't EXACTLY sure where the gray house was. ah, the infamous gray house. i've definately heard about it, but didn't know where it was located. so after leaving the Y – still on a post-workout high – i ventured down to queen's to drop off my square. i parked outside stirling because that's where tim works and so it's semi familar to me. i started walking around and realized i had no idea where i was going but somehow sensed i was sort of in the right area. i got thinking "i know a lot of students, where's all these students i know to help me out??" but realized i probably know less than 1% of the student population (actually its probably more like 0.1%. i think i was over-estimating because all the students i know seem to know each other. weird.) so anyways, i was right about stirling, however, i was on the wrong side. the thought did cross my mind "why would the students i know be hangin out around stirling?? i don't know any physics geeks!" oh, except tim. he's a physics geek. he's going back to do his PH.D in medical physics. ooh, he's so brainy. he's the smartest brother-in-law you could ever have! he graduated 12th in his class!! yup, i'm bragging about timmy. its all good, he brags about me too ;)

you may not realize when its done or why, but it may be the best thing.

hobo

i feel very mediocre today. this evening beckie came over and between her, melinda and irina they had all these really crazy stories about their weekends. now, i didn't feel mediocre in comparison to them, however hearing their stories only emphasized to me how dull my life is. poo.

that was a very tongue-in-cheek statement, my life isn't actually dull. its just feels very dry right now. i feel like i need something spicy to happen. you know what i'd like?? i'd really like to get some kind of mysterious valentine card from a secret admirer. but here's the catch... it has to be from someone who is NOT creepy. argh. not gonna happen...

well i suppose i need to get used to having an uneventful life if i'm going to join a nunnery. i wonder if i'll still be able to wear my accessories or they'll make me remove them. i don't think i'd make a very good nun. however, i'm already celibate so that wouldn't be the problem. i'm just not much of a conformist and being told what to do really irritates me.

leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment

sweet dark

so for those of you who don't know... my church has just released a cd. all the songs were written and performed by people at the church, as well as recorded at a church member's studio and the cd case was done by tim forbes in collaboration with shari doseger. wow, that's pretty impressive. there really IS a lot of homegrown talent in this church.

aside from that, its a really awesome cd!! all the songs are really good. its funny because when i first heard the cd, and thought "wow, this sounds so different than when we sing this song at church!! this is how its SUPPOSED to sound". its too bad that we really slaughter some of those songs on sunday mornings.

when i picked up the cd from rhonda she mentioned "its nice having a little piece of next at home". and that's exactly how i feel. i was listening to it at work yesterday and got all 'homesick' for next. man, i'd much rather go to next everyday and only go to work for one hour a week. but alas, that's not how life works. but seriously, i got all nostalgic, thinking over my last year and how great its been. i love been a part of this community, and i really feel like i belong. i've felt that since my first day there. aww, i love my church (gush...).

well i'm gonna go change my sheets, then go to bed so i can wake up on time and go to next! hurray!! ;)

penance

what does it mean to be sorry? and how sorry do you have to be until its ok again? how would it feel to live your life continually paying for mistakes you made 20 years ago and never escape the skeletons in your closet?

rock of ages

no one can see me, hear me, tell me, touch me, push me or pull me. no one can take away what you can give me. make me clean again.

bonfire

it ain't easy being a girl...

does anyone else feel that being a woman should constitute you as certifiably insane?? man, i feel that way sometimes. with all these emotions and conclusion jumping... i dunno.

i'd like to mellow out a bit. i remember talking to my mom once, telling her i'd like to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and be more mysterious. and she laughed at me. she literary laughed at me and said "hahaha, YOU be MYSTERIOUS!!!" hahaha, what a funny reaction. maybe i should just accept the constant drama of my life. that's just me i suppose. actually, its NOT just me, i'm surrounded by over the top women!!!

i wouldn't mind being certifiably insane. actually, i have this fantasy about living in some kind of institution. like prison or a nunnery or an old folks home. well we all have our crazy fantasies. andrew fantasizes about vandelizing electronic signs. hahahaha. and melinda has fantasies about FANTA. ahahahaha.

well i should go. ciao.

i'm nearly missing all my marbles, this is not a perfect plan.

dirt road

our internet was down all day yesterday. how annoying.

last night i went to see feist at a.j.'s. i've never actually been there before so that was an interesting experience in itself. i went with melinda & andrew and met up with chelsea & todd. in typical kingston fashion, i saw hords of people i knew. when i first got there, i spotted cas and alison, which was a total riot because i saw cas at the knock, knock ginger concert on saturday. they're super great girls.

andrew and todd were sharing some of the mysteries of the male psyche. it was most informative. did you know that most guys assume that ALL girls like them? and that they think they're in so much demand that they have a whole list of girl to choose from? well, i find that pretty disgusting. and aggravating. and frustrating. and annoying. and good to know ;)

so who else did i see last night? well, i saw one of beckie's co-workers from minotaur. i saw Jeremy from my last life-drawing class (who i've seen at church about twice. next time i see him there, i'm gonna get up the guts to talk to him). i saw mike gowing. saw melinda's old crush with his "little girlfriend". some girl from frontenac (who apparently kept staring at us).

i like that me and feist have the same name. that's so cool. she's so rockin'. although, her facial expressions kept reminding me of this girl i used to know and it was hitting a nerve. but whatev. i had a really good time, and i wasn't even tired!! i had a nap in the afternoon. i'm usually a bad napper because i wake up angry, but yesterday i was alright. so inspite the fact that i went to bed at 1:30 last night, i'm doing ok this morning. felt like throwing up first off, but after that i was fine. i even was alert enough to have a conversation with irina at the breakfast table.

pyscho alpha disco beta

today is ask a "question day" here at pspd.

if you have a question HIT ME WITH IT!! come on, i know you have one in there somewhere. think over the entries you've read, has there be anything that made you wonder about the background story? or maybe there's something about me as a person or my life you'd like to know more about.

here's some examples...
"when did you live in T.O.?"
"what caused your bum knee?"
"why did you decide to go into graphic design?"

i don't know. whatever you want. come up with a doosy. i dare you.

darn, i hope this idea doesn't flop. come on people, don't leave me hangin. frig, if you're embarrassed of your question, submit it anonymously. i don't care. i just want to answer the questions weighing on the minds of the general public.

Tell me what you wanna know
Oh come on, oh come on, oh come on

blindness

so is anyone else going to the feist concert on wednesday?? i understand their selling 900 tickets. wow. impressive. no doubt i'll see some people i know. i always see nexters at concerts. we're well represented on the concert front.

i've continued to be good at resisting the urge to check my email at work. it's getting easier now. yay!!

hahaha. when i wear my pink toque with a ponytail it makes me look like i have a mullet. and strangely enough.... i kind of like it. that's surprising. to me at least.

a couple weeks back i came home to find an NDP sign on our lawn. i went inside and asked melinda if she knew it was there. she did and wondered if it was ok. i told her "MELINDA! YOU KNOW I DON'T SUPPORT CANADIAN POLITICS!!" (full of passion, not rage) argh, i hate canadian politics... grrr. i vote green, not particularly because i agree with their stance on things, more because i think its the better choice among well recognized parties. joy tried to convince me to vote for the christian hertiage party since she knows i hate the mainstream parties. but that defeats the purpose. the point i'm trying to make is that i don't like our options, not that i'm religious. regardless... our NDP sign has gone missing and ironically i think one of our neighbours stole it, because an NDP sign coincidentally appeared on his lawn the same day ours went missing. who steals a free sign!!! our nutty neighbour gloria has a green party sign on her lawn. i'm thinking about pinching it and putting it on our lawn ;)

i don't much like thinking of myself as a cup of tea made in a bucket, but i suppose in a way it must be true.

kamasutra

they say revenge is sweet. but its actually quite disappointing. they also say living well is the best revenge. but the thing is, you can't have revenge on someone if they don't care two pins about you. it just doesn't work. they really couldn't care less if you live well or not. argh. i just wanna point and laugh!! but that's just not gonna happen, the opportunity will never arise.

i'm procrastinating knitting right now. i've been really excited about this new knitting project i have up my sleeve, i went and bought this really nice wool today. and when i sat down to start, i discovered how difficult this pattern is. melissa told me it wouldn't be too hard, and i could do it, so i figured she must be right. however, i think she's overly confident in my ability. it's too hard. i'm going to have to disregard the instructions and just go by the picture. well seriously, i already bought the wool and i'm all jazzed about it...

last night i went to that concert at the grad club i told you about. it was really great!! it was so funny because i knew hords of people there. everytime i turned around there was someone else i knew. like seriously, everyone and their dog was there. well not exactly their dogs, and not exactly everyone, because unless you are meghan or melinda you weren't there. meghan's gonna put me on the guest list for "fake prom". hahahhaaha. isn't that hilarious??

i wanna give a shout out to paul & sarah butler, who i understand are frequent visitors to pspd. and a special mention of kathryn, my homie keeping it real in dryden - we miss you!!

you know... today at church brenda was saying a large number of people feel deep inside "if you really knew what i'm actually like, you wouldn't like me". i was giggling to myself in my head, because i'm the opposite. i feel like "if only you knew how AWESOME i am..." hahahha. i think some people are replused by myself confidence. but i can definately relate to self-degradation. i've totally been there, but it can be overcome.

take power in the power of the word

flaming finger

this has been an eventful day.

joy and my dad have been in the lion, witch and the wardrobe play at bayridge (alliance church) and i went to the matinee today. i took rhonda and isaac with me. it was really nice to have them along. although i didn't leave that church on back terms, i still felt like i needed a cushion. i hate going there. i don't know why. i can't pin down my exact reason. but anyway, rhonda and isaac agreed to come along. the one problem turned out to be getting there. my backseat belts are stretched out to the max and would only safely protect a horribly obese person. so isaac's carseat didn't properly fit, and he couldn't go in the front either. so after many different attempts we ended up straping him into the middle seat with the lap belt. i was very nervous as i drove, because i know that isaac means the world to rhonda. but we arrived just fine, and only a few minutes late. the play was actually quite fabulous, and they did an excellent job. joy and dad were in the white witches army all dressed in black & scary to the max. i'm really surprised that my dad was in the play, it was so strange seeing his name in the program. the truth is... i was proud of him. seeing him made me giggle, and i shrugged it of saying "oh he's a weirdo", but the thing is (and really i don't think i could ever say this outloud) my dad is very much a novelity to me. he's been the parent who has always been out of reach. but i love him, and i wish things could have been different for us. i suppose its not too late, and as much as he sometimes drives me crazy, i'm glad that he's in my life. its better late than never.

after the play, we went to chucke cheese! it was so much fun. i'm really glad we went. isaac's so awesome because it doesn't take much to thrill him, and inspite the fact that the games rarely gave him more than just a few tickets he was constantly like "wow!! i got 2 tickets!!" meanwhile, the kid at the machine beside him would be getting like 40. rhonda did manage to find one really awesome/easy game that would spit out hords of tickets. so he ended up with 84, which he's going to save for his next visit. we saw one man get 546!! its crazy!!

you fake just like a woman,
you ache just like a woman,
but you break just like a little girl

matchbook

frig, i love sinéad o'connor.

believe it or not, i was called "untalkative" today. wow!! when i got to the Y tonight the guy behind the counter said to the other guy behind the counter "here's my favourite untalkative person. she never wants to talk, but just keeps going". that made me smile and blush, and of course, keep going. i didn't realize he wanted to talk to me, i figured that it was their job to try and make conversation with the members. after that, i thought to myself "why didn't i notice how cute he was before??" i'd say on the 'lesley attractiveness scale' he's a 9. which is very high. i don't usually give such a high rating. he's handsome. now, does it sound like he was flirting with me? lately i can't differeniate between flirting and friendly.

it was interesting having mim and ron over for dinner last week (they were the leaders of our youth group when we were teenagers), ron was saying i was quite the flirt. he's probably right.

i was noticing at the Y i have nicknames in my head for everyone... hairy neck guy. sweaty guy. maybe gay guy. curly-hair-guy-who-i-hate. earring guy. blind guy. tirnanog girl. butchy girl. girl-who-doesn't-like-me. the co-dependent girls. skinny girl. pregnant girl. and so on. well obviously not for EVERYONE. you can see the influence of seinfeld on my life. its my fave show. well sitcom. hmm, i wonder what name i'd give me. oh i know "keeps to herself girl".

its like a breeze blowing deep beneath my skin

100 sq ft

i concluded today... da. dadada DA.... i'm a late bloomer. i think that's why all this girly stuff is just kicking in now. but that's ok. it kind of makes a lot of sense to me. i'm also finding that this make-up and big earring stuff is making me look more my age. i probably won't get the "oh, i thought you were 21" comment anymore.

well i don't seem to have a lot to say. at least nothing that i think is interesting enough to post on my blog. things i'd freely bore you to tears by sharing with you in real life. but we have standards of quality here at pspd. believe or not....

oh, i'd like to say. please, if you visit, leave a comment!! i love when people leave comments. it makes this more of an interaction. now some of you say stuff like "oh i don't know how" or the like. so i'll quickly give you some directions. for those of you who are frequent commenters, you can skip down to the highlighted section below... ok, so now that we've gotten rid of those jerks, i'll give you your instructions. ;) click post comment. type in your ever-so-witty thoughts. then click the 'other' circle. enter your name. web page is optional. there. that's it. easy-peasy.

hey frequent commenter! you're so rad. you freakin' rock my world!

last night when i was watching bridget jones, i noticed something very startling. one of her best friends is the same actress who played moaning myrtle in harry potter. that really creeped me out because myrtle is a 14 year old girl!! here's the proof: in the pudding.

truth or dare i don't care. tell the truth i dare you.

art deco

ok so melinda has another gig. i'd like to once again invite you all to come and hang out with me there. i think meghan's gonna be there. so the melinder-mark wilson duo are opening for knock, knock ginger. which is her friend milosz's band. they're actually really good. and they're good performers. click the link below to melinda's bloggario and acquire the data. hahahaha.

for a good time

i must go. my bed is beckoning me.
les + sleeping = true love
awwwww

the revolution wasn't bad, we hit the streets with all we had.

gestopo

holy crap, i'm in such a good mood right now. i just watched briget jones diary (the first one), and it was soooo funny. man...

well, life is good. i'm doing well. i'm very happy. so la-dee-da. what more can i say??

on the downside (where we won't dwell long), i was right in my suspicion that knickers is planning on going to pittsburgh when i go (feb 8 to 10) this totally sux ass!!! said she wants to be there to "play mother hen". what the hell does that mean!?!?! i think she just wants to keep an eye on me, that i dress appropriately and don't do anything that would "shame the department". argh. i'm so annoyed about that!! what a bummer! that totally takes away from the whole experience. i know how to behave properly, i just choose not to. most of the time.

on the upside of things at work... i've now made it through 2 days not chronically checked my email!! hurray!! i didn't check it at all. and ironically, i'm finding i have WAY more time to talk to my colleagues because i'm not spending time emailing my friends on the job. i remember saying to laney the other week "i just don't seem to talk to my co-workers the way i used to". but the last two days frank and i have been chatting up a storm!! it was funny, yesterday this man came by to see him and saw i was in his office so was about to walk away but frank was like "its ok, we're jus shooting the shit". and that's exactly what we were doing. we have a very unusual friendship, not a lot of 26 year old girls are platonic friends with 56 year old men. like, we're good friends! today in the caf, i arrived to find mayelin not there, and april is at home with her daughter who has the chickenpox, so when frank saw i was by myself, he offered to have lunch with me so i didn't have to eat alone. i thought that was so nice.

my knee seems to be doing MUCH better. i've even stopped wearing the knee brace. for now. i'm still gonna stay off the eliptical for the next couple of weeks.

i seriously think you should reconsider the length of your sideburns

sweet sounds

ooooh, i'm super excited/nervous. i've just bought the mac os x tiger upgrade.... its super exciting, but i'm also scared i'm going to botch it somehow. i'll keep you posted on how things go.

so i'm having a really good day. its as though a cloud has lifted and i feel more like myself than i have in several months. its really nice. i don't like doing things/being things make me feel rotten. this is hard to explain. so i won't bother. i know this is confusing. oh, here's one example... i made it through the whole day at work not checking my hotmail once!! yay!! i wanted to break myself free from this crazy "email co-depencey" problem i've been having. seriously, there's nothing that can't wait until i get home. besides, i don't like doing it, it's very unprofessional and it distracts me from the task at hand. so that's one day down, i'm sure i can do it again tomorrow. i hope.

sometimes life is about making little steps to becoming who you want to be, or steps to disgarding who you're not.

today at work i got an urge to get big earrings. hahaha. i think that's so funny. so right after work (after buying my tiger upgrade) i went down to modern primitive and bought some new big wooden earrings. a little while ago i tried on my old silver earrings that have a colourful ball on them, and concluded although i love those earrings they don't suit me. dark coloured earrings match my hair and eyes better. so i now have these big brown earrings. one step closer to being a girly girl. its like 2006 is the year of the whole new lesley. i feel kinda like a little girl growing into shoes that are too big, and they're gradually fitting better.

minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed

science

guess who found her puke toque in her gymbag when she got to the Y tonight?!?!? yay!! i'm so glad i found it. i was worried it had fallen in the garbage and i'd never see it again. melinda pointed out that i'm always worried things have fallen in the garbage. its one of those reasonable/unreasonable fears.

today at work i received a belated christmas gift from my colleague in taipei, taiwan. its this t-shirt that says taipei. its pink. and i got a tin with a train on it. she sent us several different gifts for us to decide between, i got the t-shirt kind of by default because i can fit in it, but i like it so its all good. its a little cheesey, but since when have i shyed away from tacky shirts?? the unfortunate thing is when ever i wear it people will always be asking me "have you been to taipei?" no. no i haven't!! argh, stop asking me that!! hahaha. but exciting news!!!! i'm going to get to go on a business trip to pittsburgh!! yay!! my first business trip!! and all by myself. i think. oh crap, i hope knickers doesn't schedule a trip there when i'm going. darn!! well it didn't sound like that was her plan. true, there are more exciting places than pittsburgh, like taipei for example. but i'm stoked nontheless. they do have an andy warhol museum that i've been planning on visiting if i get the chance to go there. check it out. oh crap, the hours of operation kinda bite. how will i make it there in those hours!?!?! well i'll have to do something cool while i'm there. i'll get to stay in a fancy hotel, and fly business class. oh, i'm so excited!!!!

i think this will be an interesting year as far as work is concerned. like, i'm going to pitts to train this girl to use photoshop. frank and i are going to be working more closely with the pitts bids department. and i've started doing some work for bombardier group. now, how do i explain what group is?? its confusing. well first there's bombardier inc, made up of both aerospace and transportation (planes and trains), within the transportation section there are about 8 divisions. bombardier group is the section that takes care of all 8 divisions. so me, doing work for group is a very valuable career opportunity. way in the back of my mind there is some hope that i'll be able to work for group someday. their headquarters is in berlin. how cool would that be? but for now, i'm happy to be in kingston. living in toronto was a difficult experience. it was rewarding, but through trials. so when i moved home, i felt as though i didn't want to move away again until i'd recovered from that experience and until i was ready and wanting something different.

well this was a long entry. my entries have been quite long lately actually. i hope they're not boring. oooh, this entry only took 13 minutes to write! wow, a new record!!

you say i talk so all the time, so?

foreigner mcdee

i just got home from spending time with matt. yay!! i haven't seen him since october. its funny how so much can change in such a short amount of time. there was much to fill him in on. he's such a weirdo. he offered tips on curing my acid reflux by taking spoonfulls of vingar and gave me my birthday present. man, he's place is soooooo chaotic. i get super overwhelmed by it, it helps put the disorder in my room in perspective. i used to clean his apartment for him a couple times a year. he even paid me to do it a occassionally.

he's so funny. a lot of who i am is because of him. i'd say other than my family, matt and melinda have been the most influencial people in my life. but ya, a large chunk of my sense of humour was rubbed off of him. and some of my sayings and a few of my various laughs are from him too.

i admire how he finds everything funny, and that's one thing i picked up from him. at one point today i was saying "oh i just don't care... or i don't know, do i care? ya, i guess i do" and he laughed hysterically at this because he said it was like i was interviewing myself. like "i don't know les, i'll get back to you on that one..."

today when i was at my mom's for sunday lunch and was leaving to see matt, she said "we've missed matt, we haven't seen him in a while", so that just got me on a tangent about how frustrated i am that i never see him anymore. i think i've been so angry about that because it makes me sad and i've missed him. while we're kinda on this topic... i think its really weird how she always says "we don't approve of this" or "we feel that" or "we blah, blah, blah". it took me a long time to realize that her words didn't actually represent joy and tim thoughts, and it got me wondering "who the heck is this WE she keeps talking about?!?!?!" i still have no idea.

here's a pic of me and matthew at camp one summer. oh i guess that was in 2002. which would mean i was 22 and he was just turning 24. you can kinda see in this picture how long my hair was.

when we fall, love will catch us everytime time.

memoirs of a lesley

i bought a new toque today. its pink. no wait its beyond pink, its vibrant pink. it practically glows. actually, i think i'll classify it more as magenta. its too big for me. it engulfs my head. its looks as though its swallowing me whole. this new toque by no means replaces my other toque. i just can't find it. its lost somewhere in my 8 x 12 room. i'm very attached to my other toque. although, i had the misfortune of barfing on it when i first got it, so have since referred to it as my "puke toque".

i saw my favourite teacher from highschool at indigo tonight - mr. switzer. he was my philosophy teacher. i did really well in that class. i guess it pays to actually have a belief system and be able to defend it with reasonable arguments. it was sort of unusual. most of the discussions were between me, an atheist, and an agnostic. everyone else fell pretty much silent. philosophy class is an interesting environment because you have the freedom to actually discuss controversial opinions without the fear of being judged or criticized.

i'm almost done my hot-water bottle holder. i'm just doing the finishing touches tonight. then i'm starting on buddy's nalgene bottler holder. i think i'm going to knit & purl it. that's a new exciting challenge. i'm such a geek.

i'm looking forward to church tomorrow. it feels like ages since i've been there. i've missed seeing everyone as well. i enjoy that community.

well my feet feel a little damp. so i'm gonna go change my sox and than do some knitting. catch you later!!

you can't say to the sun "more sun" or say to the rain "less rain".

2 steps forward. 1 step back

i should be tidying the house because mim and ron are coming for dinner in approximately 16 minutes. but i have a lot on my mind that i need to unload in order to have a good time tonight.

have you ever reached the point in a relationship where you realize "hey, that person doesn't really consider me a friend", or you realize that what was once a really tight friendship has somehow folded like a house of cards? or heard about a friend's wedding that you were not invited to? i'm sick of one sided friendships where i make all the effort. i've been really restless today, borderline crabby. poor laney kept getting random moody emails from me while i was at work. it took me all day to put my finger on what was bothering me. and when it hit me it was like "wow, that person doesn't care about me AT ALL!!!" it left me feeling so aggravated and frustrated that yet again i've been duped by a "false friendship". now this may be too haste of me. i recently had written off a friend, saying "clearly he doesn't care about me, he never calls, never makes time for me and only write these short reply emails". but then he called me to say he had a birthday gift for me. and with that all my frustration went. maybe i'm fickle. no, its not that, he knows how much a simple jesture of a gift means to me. its because it means the person was thinking of you. it really surprised me because even after all these years i thought for sure he wouldn't remember. or maybe i was trying to prepare myself for that possibility.

maybe i'm too trusting so i get hurt too easily. maybe i have too high expectations of what a friendship SHOULD be. but if you really cared about someone wouldn't you make more of an effort? maybe i should be more understanding. i'm just feeling tired. and weary. i must be pmsing. oh sorry male readers. aw, who am i kidding i don't really have any male readers. lets see... tim forbes, paul, buddy, al. i think that's it. well i appologize for any "too emotional" content.

cya.

i hear you call, i will run

ugh, i ate too much for dinner. i feel like barfing.

anyway. how are you? i'm doing well. so tim sent me a visual explaination to this whole elephant-ontario thing. its TRUE!! wow.

i finished "Our Lady of the Lost and Found" and have started "Bridget Jones' Diary: The Edge of Reason". its the funniest book i've read ever, or at least as far back as i can remember. when i was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office yesterday i was literally laughing out loud and hiding my face in the book. it was amusing to me because i don't think i've ever laughed out loud at a book in public before. hahaha, what a riot.

i did some clothes shopping yesterday and when i got home i showed melinda my purchases. she was all like "ooh, so feminine!! maybe by the end of 2006 you'll be a full-fledged girl!!" she was just teasing me, not trying to insult me. its true, i have become increasingly girly over the last few months. i don't know why really. i secretly like it. well i guess its a secret shared with you, me and everyone i know now.... but ya. i'm wearing my hair differently, and the make-up adds feminity. pierre from the screening room didn't even recognize me the other day. he was all like "oh lesley, i didn't recognize you... maybe its the glasses" and i was like "but pierre i'm not wearing glasses" which i wasn't. but maybe it was the make-up. april has that picture of me, her and mayelin (see entry "kick in the teeth") and 3 people have asked her "who's the girl in the middle" Ahahahahahaha. i find it a little offensive that when i'm dressed up or looking pretty people don't know its me. what does that mean do you think?

you know what i've JUST concluded? there's no "trick" to life. there's no definate "thing" to do that will make you're life "just fall in place". its not like a door that's hard to close and you can be like "oh there's a trick to this door, you need to hold the handle this way, then push it down". what works for one person, won't necessarily work for another person. i find that encouraging. just because suchandsuch doesn't work out the way its "supposed" to in "theory". it doesn't mean it won't at all. it just means you're different to the person beside you or whatever. every person is unique, so how/why expect an a+b=c life?

if the magic of the adverture overcomes we won't cry because it could be fun.

post-script error

just call me limpy. or hop-a-long. i am at the mercy of my bum knee. stupid dumb knee. i went to the doctor today... no wait, first i called telehealth and the male nurse said he thought it was degenerative arthritis. but then i went to the clinic and the doctor said i have fluid on my knee. he described the side effects of that and it sounds about right. he told me no excerising so i asked for how long and he said "i can't say. i don't want to scare you but it could be 6 months". so i went to the Y anyway. i thought "i don't need my knee to use the weights" i've been meaning to increase my use of the weights anyway. i've been avoiding it because i'm intimated by the large-tattooed men. but now i'm afraid that'll work mostly my upper body and will result in me looking top heavy.

i went to laney's tonight to bake a cake for kathryn's going away party tomorrow night. kathryn is moving to dryden. its north of thunder bay, west of kenora. here's a map: ontario map. tim forbes thinks ontario looks like an elephant when looked at from a certain angle. hmm. never noticed. let me take a look at that map again: ontario map again. i'd have to admit... i don't see it. but anyway, i'm sad to see kathryn go. i wish i'd had more time to spend with her. however, we're gonna write each other letters. like real letters. the kind you send in the mail. i love writing letters/getting letters. i like sitting in indigo and writing to my cousin pam. no doubt i'll love writing to kathryn too.

i'd like to make a public service announcement. for those of you who are unaware... i am a very moody person. i can feel 100 different ways in one given day. ok, maybe not in one day, but in one week for sure. i'd been suspicious of my moodiness for some time, but it finally hit me when i realized my co-workers have no idea what kind of mood i'll show up to work in each morning. its different every day. good thing they're all pretty good tempered. well i'm NOT a morning person so that probably contributes to the situation.

i have a rule of thumb, i don't write a blog entry when i'm grumpy, cranky, crabby etc. true i have made a few entries when i wasn't at my finest, but those are few and far between. the way i see it, no one wants to read someones blog if they're gonna end up depressed.

when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.

exacto

i have a bum knee. it hasn't bothered me in years, but it started aching last night. it got worse at the Y tonight. now i'm wearing an old knee brace. i feel as though some cartilage is rubbing against something hard. hmm, not good. what do my nurse friends think it could be? melissa? rhonda? oh wait, rhonda told me yesterday it might just be the weather. lets hope that's all it is.

the survey says?? out of all the residents of 162 pine street, melinda richka has kissed the most men/guys/boys. there's a certain level of irony there. several levels actually.

i heard recently "the true meaning of ludicrous is repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result" i think that's a really interesting thought, and i wanted to present this notion for your pondering. so ponder it already!!

while i was shopping with laney the other day i got this crazy notion in my head that i badly want a nose ring. we went into tribal voices and i was bombarded by accessories. and i totally love accessories. but my problem is i don't have any room on my body for accessories. all my limbs and lobes have been filled. then i saw this tiny little nose ring and that just fueled a fire that burned many moons ago. however, knickers would go ballistic! she freaked out when i got my cuff and that's not even a piercing. but alas, when i got home and saw my nose in the mirror i remembered the reason why i decided against it 10 years ago: my nose is just too small.

its interesting that my boss would be more freaked out by me getting a nose ring than my mom. i think my mom has more coolness inside her than she lets on. but when it comes down to it, my mom knows me so much better than knickers ever will. we're made of the same stuff, and the stuff that's different well that's my dad's stuff and she understands that too. actually, my mom is dating again. i'm really glad for her. the man has an earring!! hahahaha. she said it didn't bother her at all, and maybe she's more like her younger daughter than she thought!! hahaha, that's awesome!! i think this give me a lot of liberties....

i have eaten
the plums
that were in
the ice box

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

~William Carlos Williams~

monterey jack

yelsel flickr account

dominos

i'm spending some time reading. and just reached the end of this chapter. i'm struck by the writing style of this author. its very similar to my own writing style. i like reading about this woman's life, all the mundane details she includes in her book. now in her 40s, never married, she reflects on her life as it was in her twenties. and about the men she dated back then. i feel overwhelmed by the familarity of her words. i feel as though she's been spying on my life. its a little scary. its also a little comforting.

why am i writing this? why am i telling you this? because there is something i want you to know. and i want to say it now so i can't take it back.

as i read and think of her now in her mid-forties. single. that doesn't frighten me. it doesn't bother me. i told the girls last night "next new year's eve i'll probably still be single". to be honest, i said that to prepare myself for that possibility. but now i think about it and realize that's ok. i'd say chances are slim that i'll meet someone i like, that i could eventually love, who would be good with me, who will like/love me back. it does seem kind of a lot to ask. i honestly feel, right now, in this moment, that i don't really care. and i will be happy. as i am right now.

i've been single for 2 years.

i haven't been kissed in a year and a half. and that wasn't some random stranger. it was my exboyfriend. will it bother me if i never get kissed again? ya, probably, sometimes that will bother me. will i be worse off? no, not at all.

i will continue to have fantastic friends. i will continue to have a great, close-knit family. and i will lack nothing.

i do realize, there is a slim possibility that i could in fact meet someone who is dazzled by me and whom i am equally dazzled by. and you'll say to me with a smile on your face "les, remember that time when you said you'll never marry?" and we'll probably laugh at my impulsive statements. but this isn't about me swearing off men. or declaring spinsterhood. its more, i'm ok with remaining single.

i am content.

thyme

well its the new year, and once again the calendar was hot on my trail. i turn 26 and it has to go and change to 2006. freakin calendar... such a copy cat.

so my plans for last night kinda got muddled, but devious, little r and i (eggs) rang in the new year with determination! yay for us!! it was an interesting evening. we got kicked out of the tirnanog, we saw earring guy from the Y (uh-huh, ya, i know...), and saw one of my friend's fathers with another woman. the girls had to talk me out of calling up the friend and ratting him out. its really none of my business and i have no right to get in the middle of that mess.

poor "d" and little r had to sit through one of my crazy rants about "does time exist??!?" and "joelle hold the secrets of my future!!" hahahaha. those poor girls. i feel bad for putting them through that. frig, i'm worse sober than most people are stoned/drunk!

there were a couple things from our conversation that really struck me. one thing was "you can't make other peoples decisions for them" and the other was "you can't push things, things happen only when you're ready". i'll use myself as an example here. like this make-up thing. my family teased me and tried to coax me for years upon years to wear make-up but i just wasn't ready. i had to get to that point myself. same with drinking. and cooking (argh, cooking i'm still alittle unsure of that one).

i've decided to open a flickr account. people are always sending me cool pics and there's just not enough room on pspd. so i'm gonna have a flickr account to post them all there. so stay tuned, i'll probably post a link to that later tonight.

awww, this is my last night of being able to stay up super late :( oh well, i'll have to make it a good one :) well i'm off to help melinder make a poster for the station.

love cures all cynicism ~ m.l. richka

stewart

what am i doing?? how was i tricked into thinking that cooking was a good idea!!
argh!! i suck!