integrity

there was a bit of a mix-up. these things happen. we arrived for the vagina monologues at 8:10, to discover that it actually started at 6:00. we thought it started at 8:30, hence our leisurely approach and our trip to the goat. it was really funny because we did catch the last two monologues, and as irony would have it we arrived in time to see the one and only one about orgasms. different kinds of orgasms actually. it was funny and yet awkward. shannon kept apologizing because she said that was the worst one. hahahaha, the whole thing is just so comical, that sort of thing would only happen to us. we've decided to plan to go together next year instead, in the meantime shannon's going to perform the all monologues for me and chelsea at a later time :p

yup, that's my ticket, and yup it DOES actually say doors open at 5, but.... i don't know. we thought it started at 8:30, so why would one look at the ticket! or something. i dunno.

shannon's lent me the book. i think i'll go get into my 'jammies and crack it open. i was going to wait until i finished my book on south africa, but i'm only half way thru and i'd like to make up for missing the show tonight.

chelsea helped me decide that since i'm not a 14-year-old boy in the 1990s, i should not wear the necklace i was given. that's what i suspected, but i just needed a second option. in truth, i prefer to choose my own accessories.

i can't find my purple t-shirt. i have a feeling that it disappeared at my laundromat. that's what i get for sending my clothes out. instead of my t-shirt it returned with two random sox that didn't belong to me. they're presently in my garbage can.

i really don't like it when people tell me things i already know as though i'm an idiot. please refrain from patronizing me.

OH, exciting news! i'm going on another business trip to pittsburgh! i'm going on either march 4 or march 5. i'm staying at a different hotel this time, there's no indoor pool but each king-size room comes with a whirlpool!! right on. haha, it's funny to me that i get a king-sized bed. i like to sleep sideways across it just because i can. anyway, this time i'm going to go up the duquesne incline. it's apparently it's the second most beautiful view in the usa. maybe, if she's good, i'll take the knickers with me.

love...
it's like a new born child,
seems interesting when it's young,
gets pedestrian after a while.

cochlear

well i'm back from my very first bored meeting (yes, i spelled that right, they call it the bored at next). it started at 6:30 and i got home around 10:20. the funny thing that according to the agenda, we should have been out of there by 7:30. however, i had a really good time. next is an interesting topic and something that's very close to my heart. PLUS, the other bored members are great and extremely entertaining. i wonder about my role on the bored. i wonder how much it will attach itself to me, or if it'll just feel like a sojourned assignment. i do feel a little more comfortable with my commitment after this first meeting. at one point i kind of looked around and thought, this is my first meeting of a three year term. this is the beginning of something.

i feel like i'm holding a poloroid picture, it's just barely beginning to develop. i've just got to wait and see what this picture is going to look like. i'm excited, i want to know, but i have to wait. these things take time.

i'm kind of jealous that you get to peak into my world.

love...
it's like an interstate.
it gets you from place to place,
but it's littered with dead raccoons.

subordinate

OH FOR PETE'S SAKE I'M SO SICK OF BEING MEDIOCRE!! @#%&

seriously, i'm so frustrated with myself. why can't i be good at something, i'm always just so bush-league, and it's really upsetting. i'm getting so tired of getting my ass kicked by everyone!

i finished my tea cozy. it looks awesome, i literary jumped around and squealed at how great it turned out. until... i got it home and discovered it's too tight. it doesn't fit properly on my tea pot. which defeats the purposes and i'm so frustrated!! oh.... (5 minutes later) i just stretched it out and apparently it's fine. alrighty, false alarm. regardless though, i do lament my mediocrity. please don't take this as a plea for compliments, because sometimes it makes it worse when people say "what are you talking about, you're a great knitter" when i know in truth i'm just average and a little sloppy. rachel tells me that mennonite's always include a flaw in their quilts as a reminder that we as humans are flawed. that's kind of refreshing. however, i don't do it on purpose.

here's a picture of me and koe-koe examining
my petit cozy and my medium size pot.

you know, what he said actually offended me to my very core. i can't believe anyone could be so unbelievably ignorant. like, how does he live in THE WORLD being that narrow-minded. nothing is black & white. it took all that is within me to not crawl across the table and shake him. it made me want to email d to tell him i love him just the way he is, but i know that would be suspicious, and i didn't want to explain it. i don't want to burden him with that crap.

i used to be that narrow-minded, until the facts of life pelted me and i developed a new vantage point. it's kind of nice, it's like i've been thru the fire, got a little banged up, but am now formed into something new and better.

for once i want to be the car crash,
not always just the traffic jam.

full

i really need your buttons. chop-chop people! i've finished my tea cozy and am all set to felt it at my homestead tomorrow. in the meantime i've started an ipod travel-case for when i go to baffin. i'm going to need to take my charger with me, and i want a little case to keep everything together. it's coming a lot very nicely considering i'm making the pattern up as i go.

it's almost 8 and the only thing i've eaten today is breakfast and some cookies. tracy came over this afternoon and i baked for her. it had a really lovely visit and i'm so happy she called. it was really great, we had a really good talk and it's left me with lots to ponder about. i've been thinking lately about the necessity to talk with people in different stages of life. i like how everyone has different perspectives and different life experiences. i have so much to learn from everyone, i have my own hurdles to overcome. i was telling tracy how tired i am of retelling the same life stories over and over. but i'm just lazy, i think i should just suck it up and accept that life is like that. there are no short-cuts, we don't come with prologues.

something always happens when you're away. i wonder what may happen this time. i don't think you should be allow to leave the continent, i always get myself into trouble. however, i'll try to behave. unlike last time, or the time before...

i should go. miss joanna is expecting me in the west-end where we'll spend the evening discussing politics and foreign affairs. haha, ok not exactly, but the foreign affairs part is true.

streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.

consonants and vowels

cp got a maid! A MAID! i'm so jealous. how awesome would that be!?!

i had to shovel today. and i concluded something... i was not made for physical labour. i'm such a weakling it's unbelievable. to make matters worse, i couldn't even twist open my tea ball this evening.

you may be on to something. i think i'll take your suggestion.

keep on fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end.

proof

exhale... i've just arrived home. i've been out all day. first, and most obviously, i was at work. second i was at my mom's for dinner. third i was at the hatch folding party. there was a great turn out tonight and we managed to fold, stuff and staple 500 copies. if you'd like one, please send me your request (and address if necessary). it's a gooder. next step is i have to take them to work and cut them all on the guillotine. THEN we're done. good stuff, good teamwork.

apparently the cat is out of the bag. it's rather embarrassing. does no one know how to play it cool!?!?! :p

i sat beside jay who talked my ear off the entire evening about his visits to a nudest resort. every time i thought the story was over and we'd all moved on to other topics, he'd gently direct my attention back to his nude escapades. it made me a little uncomfortable, there's only so many naked jay stories that i can handle. aside from my awkward shifting in my chair, i had a really good time, and laughed loudly outloud many times. you know the kind of laugh when you throw your head back and the cackle comes from deep in your throat. ah, it felt good.

my mom told me tonight that she and joy are taken a back by my confidence. i guess when i was talking to joy the other night i was telling her how great i am and she didn't know what to think. i laughed and said "oh come on mom! i say that kind of stuff tongue-in-cheek!". sure, i've been known to talk about how awesome i am, that i'm charming & adorable, or sexy as hell. but i'm not serious! if i say that kind of thing and the person i'm talking to starts to laugh i know they "get" it. if they don't, they've clearly missed the point. i'm the first person to criticize me, i have no false delusions. but i think i have a pretty good balance between loving myself and finding me incredibly annoying and frustrating. besides, i take credit for nothing.

i'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.

spaz

yay yay yay yay!! my ipod arrived today. i'm so excited. it's really little. i got yelsel engraved on the back. it's nice an simple, and undeniably mine. i'm listening to cut copy on it right now! i have it clipped to my painting overalls and i'm dancing around like i'm an ipod commerical. wow, i suddenly feel like such a yuppie!

i never love nobody fully,
always one foot on the ground.
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost in the sounds.
i hear in my mind all these voices,
i hear in my mind all these words.

with

i feel like my subliminal messages are lost on a world that's ignoring me.

sometimes it feels like the powers that be are stacking the cards against me. i'm constantly taunted. constantly teased. you'd think i'd be getting used to it by now, but no. i think it's worse each time, because i tend to think that ONE of these days my ship is going to come in. and with every new horizon i'm wonder if this is the last. it never is.

i dream of stuffing my ears with mini marshmallows and running far far away. i'm jaded from hearing the same thing rehashed over and over. i've heard it all so many times before that it feels like the words are slowly crushing me. it's making me claustrophobic. i know they mean well, but i just can't take it anymore.

i think my ipod may have arrived today. i discovered a fedex card in my stack of mail, but it was too late to run up division street to retrieve my package. i didn't notice it earlier because i got a postcard from my mom and an amusing envelop from mr al. so maybe tomorrow!! yay!

maybe i would have been something you'd be good at,
maybe you would have been something i'd be good at,
but now we'll never know.

kananaskis

rhonda and i were talking today about how no one blogs about mediocrity or the mundane. well i'm sure some people do, but i doubt many people read those ones. anyway, most people (myself included) talk about strong opinions, strong feelings, big events.

shannon and i are going to see the vagina monologues next tuesday. i'm really excited as is she. she's seen it three times already. shannon's this really adorable women's studies major; she's very passionate and it's infectious. i'm still just getting to know her, and i look forward to hanging out, but i thought the vagina monologues may interest others, so i wanted to put it out there if anyone is interested in joining us they're welcome. perhaps shan and i can go out for dinner before hand just the two of us.

my day started off a little crabby, but it improved thru the day and ended on a good note. i really enjoyed sitting around little r's dinning table with her and tebrake drinking tea and talking about life. it doesn't take much to satisfy me, i'm extremely grateful for all my friends.

i discovered that my hands are the same size of that of a 9 year old boy. when i say this, i don't just mean in length, i mean in finger size. i have unusually small fingers. compare my thumb to someone else's who's also 5'5" and mine looks tiny. it's like a miniature thumb!

i finished hatch this morning at 11 am, then took the files to church to give brandon. this issue was a little painful, but i'm still really proud of it. maybe even more so because it was so challenging. i can't wait to see it in print.

i want to run through the air with no barriers or obstacles.

lysol

on thursday night i was outted as a next church board member. yup it's true. it involved a lot of arm-twisting but i finally cried "uncle" and that was the end. i feel it was the high-five from matt that made it official. this is not sometimes i undertake with much enthusiasm. i find it scary and a lot of responsibility – not like everything is on my shoulders, it just makes me one of the bullseyes for blame. it's a three year term which blows my mind, i can't imagine the state of things in 2011. but, i should console myself, not a lot has changed in the last three years, and i don't suppose much will change in the next three years either. three years isn't a huge amount of time, and i always stay fundamentally the same. melinda tells me that being a board member makes me a woman. wow, ok. i guess that's alright, we can't ALL be little girls.

i was over at helen & terrences last night. i took a cab because the snow was so deep i got stuck pulling in my driveway. helen is obsessed with this one famous girl's live journal. we spent some time perusing it and found this. crazyness!

now that i've found the united kingdom i should get back to painting.

i have photographic evidence that we met in january 2006 at the grad club.

don't try too hard to think... don't think at all.

mitigate

my auntie carol sent me some money for christmas from england. i was hoping that after the currency exchange it would give me almost enough to buy a new bed. however, with the dollar being so unusually high it was significantly less than i hoped, and not nearly enough for a bed. so i was left with this money trying to figure out how to spend it and wanting to use it for something special instead of just letting it get absorbed into bills and stuff. i've been wanting to get an ipod for the last several years but i could never justify spending money on something i don't NEED. so i didn't get one. at some point this morning the two thoughts collided in my head. i went to the apple website and decided on a silver ipod shuffle. it's only 1gb and it only holds 12 hours of music, but i usually listen to the same stuff on repeat anyway. the shuffle has always appealed to me and even more so now that it has that clip. i got it engraved, any guesses on what i got?? melissa and beckie... you can't guess because you already know.

i paid off my visa bill tonight that had my flight to baffin on it. it smarts a little, especially because this was payday so i have no hope of replenishing my funds for two weeks. i'll just tighten my purse strings, it'll be fine. it feels good to pay off debt. hurts so good.

sometimes i like to flirt with danger. toy with peril.

my mama thinks i'm grown but i'm really just little.

votary

hahaha, you have NO idea how close to home you hit.

i wish i'd ignored external pressures. i wish i'd stuck to my instincts, they ARE there for a reason. usually to help us avoid danger. but i can't blame other people, they were only trying to empower me.

i read a quote the other day that said "if we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves". i know i'm capable of more, i want to challenge the invisible barriers that inhibit me. although, i'm more daring than i give myself credit for, it's not usually until i become aware of other people's fears that i consider if what i'm doing is not feasible. and then i chicken out. i fully intended to kite-board when i'm visiting beckie, it wasn't until she alluded to her own apprehension about it that it occurred to me that it may be more challenging than i thought. i'm still gonna do it. i want to prove to myself that i can.

i really don't like mixed messages.

i would like to hug shawn's brazilian girlfriend every time i see her from now on. and i vow to some day learn how to pronounce her name.

i think i need to get back into puzzles. al and i were talking about my puzzles on saturday when he was here, then my dad pointed them out too. i still have two set up on the back porch that i completed in summer 2006. i don't really have a good place inside to work on them, but i really like doing puzzles, it's really relaxing. then when i went to joy's place to get the mattress she gave me a bunch of puzzles from tim's mom, she thought i might like them. maybe i'll start one tonight if i get the chance. for now i need to go ellipticate.

the ball is in your court.

hey... i'm in need of some new tunes. what's everyone into these days??

this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath.

tie

out of nowhere, i felt compelled to eat a chicken pot pie. so i pulled over at the nearest grocery store and bought two. i took them out of their little cups and incidentally they collapsed into a blob of tastiness. this is noteworthy because i'd never had a chicken pot pie before.

she don't think straight.

hoax

my new bed is lovely. i might even go so far as to say it's luxurious. ironically though, andrew told me this morning that i looked really tired. which surprised me, i would have expected to look more well rested after sleeping in my fancy new single bed. regardless, i was relieved he said tired instead of old. hm... i'm suspicious that i may have a peter pan complex.

this morning i flicked on my hairdryer only to have it cough it's last and die. smoke literary puffed out the back. i went to church with wet hair and quickly developed a toque-head. i'm not sure what to do with my now-dead hairdryer. i can't just put it in the garbage, can i? that feels wrong for some reason.

what ARE the statutes of limitations? at what point will i know to just cut my losses?

hatch status: still in progress

you know what's ironic? that last night my neighbours had a big party downstairs and seem to have turned out the heat to accommodate the large quantities of people in their house, and now it's cold in here. so ironic. the music was loud (didn't bother me), i could smell the alcohol thru the vents (didn't bother me), someone parked in my driveway (REALLY bothered me) and i had to park on the road. thankfully there's that extra parking strip on my york street for m centre so it's not illegal to park overnight. otherwise i would've been a real party pooper.

am i beautiful or worthless?

tbd

my family and i were talking a couple weeks back about words of encouragement. joy was telling us about people she knows who never received compliments or encouragement from their parents, and how grateful she is that my parents praise us so regularly. at first i thought "that's silly", but as i listened i realized that not everyone is so forthright, and i could see how i've just always accepted my mom and dad's affirmation as the norm. then i thought about my life, and how i love telling people what they're good at, i love praising my friends and encouraging them in what they excel at. i also appreciate it when people do the same to me. it fuels me, it's something i need. i'm hesitant to use the word need because it's a strong word, but it's important for me to acknowledge my own vulnerabilities. i know it's easy for self-doubt to creep up on me, but affirmation from others dispels it.

i've been up since 9 am working on hatch. i'm still not even half-way thru. i keep backtracking. i was making some good progress, but i took a break to go to joy's place to get a new mattress. my dad came to help me, we drove all around ktown looking for someone who would take my old one off my hands. it was funny because i don't know when my dad drove with me last. i have a feeling that it was back when he taught me to drive stick in '98. so only 10 years :p my new mattress is great! it'll be a good interim mattress until i can buy a new bed. it's nice and thick, soft yet firm.

am i made of plastic?
am i made of sand?

telemarketers

well i got significantly less work done of hatch tonight than i had hoped. so much for multitasking.

i like how transparent you are. it makes me feel less inappropriately exposed.

you know... even though this is a colder winter than last year, my house has been warmer this year. i haven't needed to put plastic on the windows or use a space heater in the bathroom in the mornings. i was quite suspicious last year that my downstairs neighbours, who control the heat, kept it way down, and when they went away at christmas time i think they turned it off completely. i talked to my landlord's mother and asked if they were aware that they control the temperature for the whole house, i think she talked to them about it. since katie and chris moved in i haven't had any problems. that's good. i like them, they're good people. sometimes katie bakes me cookies. oh crap, i keep forgetting that i've given her a vague invitation to come up for a cuppa tea sometime. i really need to follow thru with that invite. i hate being "that person". you know, that person who says stuff they don't mean.

i like that my cats have names connected to songs: honey – green eyes. pekoe – my coco. (fru – frou frou.) now that i've established this, i just wish i'd remember to feed them. it's the least i can do.

i was slightly frightened by her lipstick. why was she wearing so much?!?! it gave me the hebegebees.

your voice it sounded kind,
i hope that you like me.

bottle drive

i'm such a tool.

anyone who might have seen me running up the street, away from the brew pub, giggling all by myself, would have thought i was insane. but i couldn't help it.

i'm 28 years old and i still have a joint bank account with my mother. she doesn't use it or ever access it, but my monthly statements arrive addressed to both her and me. and whenever she's at the bank it appears in her list of accounts. she was saying again last week that we need to get that changed because she finds it very awkward seeing how much i have in the bank. i don't see what the big deal is. she's my mom for goodness sake.

on the drive home from work each day i drive past a large field that stands between the road and an unseen quarry. tonight as i drove, i saw about a dozen deer standing in the open space eating the grass that stuck out from the snow. it was amazing. THEN about 5 minutes later, two wolves ran across the road about 150 ft head of me. so neat!

i need to develop a poker face. can that sort of thing be learned or is it something people have innately?

how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

milk

she tells me to be careful, and i laugh inappropriately. but i know that she's sincere, so i sober up quickly. i think this time i should listen to her cautions. she remembers what i chose to forget. she is my safeguard and my left ventricle. the laverne to my shirley. i can't put her thru it twice, it's one thing to be careless with myself, it's another to be careless with someone else. ok, maybe it's three times, but who's counting.

my glass ring slipped off my finger today and cracked in two. i love my glass ring, it's black and matches my cuffs and helmet. melinda picked it up for me in austria in 2005. i'm quite lucky it lasted this long, seeing as everyone elses has long since broke. my forefinger will be naked without it, so i'll wear it just the same, until i can find a suitable replacement.

i've started the layout of the winter edition of hatch. it's kind of slow going. i didn't get started until late in the evening, and when i know i only have 2 hours it's hard to build momentum. i should have started earlier, but it's tricky juggling everything. maybe on thursday i'll start right at 5:00 and order in some dinner. or maybe i should sign up for next church's meals on wheels. true that's supposed to be for sick people or new moms, but i'm an obsessed graphic designer. i'm sure that counts as an illness of some sort.

i'd be lying if i told you it was fiction.

you're my favourite book.

frozen

my driver's licence arrived in the mail today. and i've gotta say, i don't like it. the new design sucks! blach! AND on top of that, i don't like the photo treatment. here's my photo, i wasn't sure about posting it online, but i've cropped everything out. maybe just to be on the safe-side, after everyone has taken a gander, i'll delete it from this entry. as you can see, they've made the photo sepia toned, and used photoshop to make the background (and a portion of my head) transparent. it's weird. besides that, it's a bizarre photo of me, i'm not even looking at the camera! however, i'm sure next time i'm pulled over i'll be all shifty-eyed, so that'll work out just fine. i also look slightly decapitated.

this photo reminds me that, once, when i was 14, i was told by a doctor that i have a SLIGHT lazy eye. i don't know how true that was, but it got me all confused and for years i thought the whole "right-camera/left camera" effect was the result of my so-called lazy-eye.

i sent you a postcard, i wonder if you've received it.

now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all.

oil and vinegar

all i can say is melissa is a genius, this hot chocolate is heavenly.

i have so much on my mind. prepare yourself, this may be a long one.

1) i went to the banff film festival last night with the lovells and co. this year they didn't have any cultural stuff, which was a little disappointing, but it was still really good. right on schedule it got me questioning my cubicle living and wondering if i should be doing more with my youth. these days are fleeting, have i done all i'd like to do? and i wonder if i've strapped myself into my cube because i'm afraid to step into the unknown. i don't know, i don't THINK i'm afraid, but how can i be sure? and since it's not fear that holds me back, is it the knowledge of my own limitations? or do i limit myself more than those limitations do? so it goes in my head; questions, and questionable answers.

part 2 of 1) after church today i went down to the goat for some lunch. i went alone, i was sort of hoping i'd find someone at church to eat with, but then when i was there i couldn't be bothered asking anyone to join me. but thankfully, upon arriving at the goat i spotted beckie's friends kate, anne and spencer. being a sunday afternoon in january, the place was really packed, so i joined that trio at their table and i had a lovely time. i can honestly say that i mingle in pretty well with most people, that's something i'm very grateful for, it makes life easy and enjoyable. i got telling them about the festival and how i fear for my cubicle life-style, but anne encouraged me a great deal. she told me that working a day job is highly underrated and that it does still leave me a lot of time for other things. which is true! plus, i WILL get to see the world some day, only it will be over the course of a lifetime instead of a 6 month stint. ah, that's reassuring. now i can go back to work tomorrow seeing it as a means to an end instead of my own personal prision.

2) this afternoon i bought some randy bags. some what you ask? it's a little nylon tote bag that folds up and you can keep in your purse/bag. they're great! i got them at trailhead for $2.99. they're so handy, i used them today to carry home my groceries. yay! this totally helps with my no-plastic bags new year resolution. AND the sexual innuendo is priceless.

3) this afternoon as i walked to and from downtown i considered spontaneity. am i spontaneous or am i rigid? i concluded that i like spontaneity as much as the next guy, but what i can't stand are half-baked ideas that screw everything up. it's not the random-sporadicness that makes me insane, it's the poor planning. you can be unpredictable AND well organized. ok, that kind of sounds like a contradiction, but what i'm saying is, a person can come up with a sudden plan and still execute it well. it doesn't have to be haphazard.

4) i screwed up my tea cozy and i have to rip it out :( oh well, i've never knit with circular needles before and it got twisted. now i understand what they meant in the instructions by "be careful not to twist the stitches".

when routine bites hard,
and ambitions are low,
and resentment rides high,
but emotions won't grow.

maroon

ok people, once again i call upon you for assistance. i need your buttons, your rejected and discarded. please give them to me so i can give them a home. when i say buttons i mean this, not this. i realize this may come as a shock to you as i am frequently associated with option 2, however, for this specific request i need about 2 dozen of option 1. why you ask? well, because i need them for my current knitting project. instead of those little bobble thingys, i'm going to use buttons from my friends. and i thought it would be cool to get one from everyone! so dig thru your junk drawers, or cut one off your favourite shirt. stick'em in the mail or give them to me next time i see you, it'll be so fun, it's like a communal art project :D

don’t you worry it’ll all work out.

proportionate

i've identified a new pet peeve. i hate it when people think they're above the rules. sometimes life calls for rules, in order for these rules to work, everyone needs to abide by them. it's really annoying when certain people seem to think the rules (usually for their own safety or to keep some kind of order) don't apply to them. it's really frickin annoying, because usually it's not just not one or two people, it's usually a lot. and so that usually results in anarchy, even if just a little bit. argh, so annoying.

sometimes i can be passive aggressive. when i'm aware of it, i usually feel completely guilty about it. such as now.

fear is the heart of love.

fussocking

aw frig. i HATE all day meetings that include lunch meetings. they're so boring that it feels like someone's eating my brain. thankfully i could tell by the look on marilyn's face that she was incredibly bored as well, so i didn't feel so bad.

i had my mom over for dinner tonight. it's been a busy week and i haven't had time to grocery shop, so i just fed her found objects in my fridge. it worked out ok, she was here for my company not for my cooking. we had some good laughs. the crappy thing is that now my kitchen is a mess and i've been trying to stay on top of that. i'm just gonna go turn on the dishwasher and then floss my teeth.

i seem to have misplaced my trademark necklace.

my mom had never seen an outtie bellybutton before coming to canada. hm, speaking of bellybuttons, i think there's something wrong with mine.

i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

discombobulated

i'm totally pooped. kathi is up from pittsburgh and we spent the day in meetings then the evening in a dinner meeting. it was exhausting. i definitely prefer what i do on usual days than on days like this. boring!

tonight, marilyn was talking about this strange woman in our office, and she explained "she's just different". then knickers said "so what? so's lesley!" hahaha, that totally cracked me up, and i assured her that i was not offended. i guess it just surprised me to realize that it was so apparent.

on the bright side, i did knit while we were at marilyn's house and i got my second red sock finished. i found it funny that i was the only one there under 50 and yet i was the only one knitting. and i wondered if instead of being a little girl if i'm actually an incredibly old woman. hahaha.

i think i'd like to knit a tea cozy next. i need to find a pattern.

i don't mind, if you don't mind.

I AM FREAKING OUT!

rats

my face betrays me. it tells my secrets.

andrew explained to me yesterday why they dye cheese orange. that's baffled me for YEARS. that, and pink lemonade. what's up with pink lemonade?!!?

i need to be more discerning. i can be far too trusting and i tend to talk openly to everyone, and it's unwise. i'm don't think it's naivety or poor judgment, i'm just really enthusiastic and i tell them what's on my mind. the problem is not everyone is a safe person and i can't go blabbing to just anyone.

melinda gave me some really awesome advise yesterday. she said "you have 20 minutes to freak out about it and then just let it go". i'm going to try and adopt this concept. i like having a good passionate rant sometimes where i wave my arms about and ludicrous things come out of my mouth. allowing a chunk of time to vent is kind of liberating.

i no longer drive past that house.

thy presence my light.

empire

so are you telling me, that you would refuse to drink out of THIS cup? come on, it's so clean! don't harbour ill feelings towards it. it's not it's fault.

i was talking to melody on the phone earlier today about her upcoming wedding. i asked her if she's taking kevin's last name, and she said she decided that she would. i really like that, it's one of the most romantic things ever. it's the ultimate "i'm with him...." statement. my mom has kept my dad's last name, and i really like that. it reminds me that at one point they were together. it's an outward expression that they were once a unit. my mom sometimes comes across people who ask her (because of her last name) if she knows my dad, and i think that's funny. aside from us, their last name is the final tie that binds them, and although they've been apart for almost as long as they were married, there's no denying the mark they left on each others lives. both good and bad. beside s, it would be silly for her to go back to mckinnon because its so similar to mcknight anyway. if i haven't said it lately i wanna say how thankful i am that my parents get along so well. it's true, time really does heal all.

i've been listening to M.I.A. all day, and she has this song with lyrics that go: "london – quiet down i need to make a sound, new york – quiet down i need to make a sound, kingston – quiet down i need to make a sound, brazil – quiet down i need to make a sound." hahaha, i like to pretend she's talking about our kingston.

i really need to get moving. i'm having joanna and andrew & shannon over for dinner. and i think al's coming by around 4. i have a lot to do before then.

ciao my friends.

i fly like paper, get high like planes.

tizzy

ok, so i need someone to come with me to donate blood. i'm a frickin chicken, but want to move past my completely unreasonable reason for not wanting to give blood. that being "eww, icky". once i told a nurse that i don't like how it feels when they take blood because it feels like they're vacuuming it out of my veins. i had expected her to say "oh that's silly", but instead she seemed to confirm my apprehension. which i guess has contributed to my complacency. but i suppose i shouldn't blame the nurse, it's my weird phobia not hers. so on that note... do i have any takers? anyone want to come give blood with me??

thanks for giving me food, it was good and not gross at all. you are more than sometimes thoughtful. you are very thoughtful. i've missed you and i like that you're all hounding me to hang-out with you. how did you know my feet are a size 7 and i didn't know yours were a size 10!?!?

the banff film festival world tour is coming to k-town next saturday night. it's totally awesome and i look forward to it each year. if you've never been and you're free that night i strongly suggest attending. rhonda, isaac and i are going, and anyone is welcome to join us. it's 13 bux in advance or 15 bux at the door. it's usually a really great collection of short films, and a large number of them are of different extreme sports that involve a lot of crazy wipe-outs. like i said, it's totally awesome. there are also a lot of films about different cultures and nature. but obviously my favourites were the sporty ones. check this out!

i'm yours to keep if you want to.

heart it races

i love that melinda's invitation to come over and watch a movie turned into me watching her shop as i trailed behind. i especially love that i got to her house 45 minutes late. giving her a taste of her own medicine. HA! ya, sorry again about that.

i feel a little self-conscience for the very first time.

sometimes i don't check my voicemail messages because i know who they're from. unfortunately, there's one that i'm avoiding and it's blocking about another 4. i'm sorry if you've been trying to reach me and i haven't received your messages. although, people don't usually call me. i'm not a phone person.

i think i'm doing a really crappy job at not being negative. i need people to point it out to me, or hit me in the head or something. i have a habit of calling babies ugly. HAHAHAHAHA. i'm sorry, i'm sure that will really offend all you mom's out there. not all babies are ugly, just some. and well, i'm trying to learn to keep those comments to myself. they just come out of my mouth so darn easily, it's especially hard because i find it really FUNNY! i apologize for my demented sense of humour.

btw: your babies are not ugly, but instead are very handsome or beautiful (which ever applies).

i think i'll let you decide.

fill

this is my tea cup. i drink from it approximately 4 times a day at work. i clean it once or twice a year. actually, i bleach it. i know it's time to bleach it when the brown gunk comes off when i stir my tea with the spoon (which is also stained). the scary thing is, if that's what it does to my tea cup, i wonder what it's doing to my stomach. this may account for some of my 8 cavities.

do you think i say "like" a lot? i became keenly aware of it on my drive into work today, which is odd because i drive alone and don't even listen to the radio. regardless, i got wondering if i say "like" an exorbitant amount.

in the two weeks that i've owned an electric toothbrush i think i've become spoiled.

i'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours.

sticker

aw crap. i'm really thirsty. i've been craving some monks blend tea for over an hour. i haven't even boiled the water yet and it's almost 10:30. i guess i'll just have to drink some juice.

i wonder if i'll bother to finish my vacuuming or do my dishes tonight. i wanted to use my evening for doing chores, but i ended up doing silly girly things.

why do they come in twos? i only wanted one.

i used my rice cooker for the first time today. my mom gave it to me for christmas. i think i may have over cooked the rice, or perhaps just left it too long before eating it. i turned it on before i got on my elliptical for 35 minutes. yup, that's right! 35 minutes! i'm doing really good, i'm working out regularly and keep increasing my time. plus, i've been standing all day at work. yay! anyways, back to the rice cooker. so ya, over done. i also got a really good electric tooth brush for christmas (hurray! i might be able to salvage my remaining teeth!), the new stars cd and a copy of blue like jazz. i also got a bunch of dollar gifts that i'm very pleased with. and a pair of black knee sox ;)

i smiled a lot today.

i didn't sleep well last night. i had to fight the overwhelming urge to get up and wash my hair. it was very odd, i've never experienced a compulsion like that before.

people never seem to learn.

V8

i booked my flight to baffin today. i'm excited because i got it for 400 bux cheaper than the going rate last week! i leave march 25 and return april 5. that worked out nicely because i'll be there for beckie's birthday and it coincides with the living room off week. good good.

i went out for thai with melinda, irina and christopher for his birthday. christopher is so insane, it's great. i find him very amusing. he gets this hilarious look on his face when he's said something funny, it's like a repressed giggle. us girls ganged up on him until he agreed to grow sideburns, we've even given him a deadline of february 8th. after dinner we went around the corner to the goat. i really liked the renos, although it's lost a few of it's hobo charms.


i found an allergy pill in my shoe today. that's weird right?

i feel really on top of things today. i put salt on my icy walkway, and bought a new fire detector. it turns out mine has not been functioning for about 4 to 6 months. yikes. i was told last week that i'm a very responsible person. that surprised me, because i'm only doing stuff because they need to get done, but maybe that's what being responsible is. it was funny because the girls were saying that i'm a really goofy person so one would not expect me to be so responsible, and that it's kind of like a red herring. i'm a little flattered by that, it's nice to know that there's more to me than one would assume, and that it's a pleasant surprise.

oh the secrets i keep.

all the living are dead, and the dead are all living

oh thanks

it was nice to hear him say it. i know it doesn't make a difference, it won't change a single thing, but it still makes me feel better hearing someone say it.

i lost my recycling bin today. then later came home to find it inside already. these are the moments that make up my life. these are the articles i choose to share with the world outside these walls.

beckie left for the north today. the house feels empty in her absence. isn't it strange the way we can easily grow accustomed to something we like, and take forever to get used to something we hate? i feel like this should tell me something, but i'm not exactly sure what.

anyway, beck left, but that means the next time i get to see her it'll be when i'm there to visit! i'm getting really excited about it, i'll be pretty chilled and also get to do stuff like kite-boarding, camping, maybe take a trip to the artic circle. beckie is worried that it'll be a let down, but frig, any chance to NOT be at work, sleep-in and do some new things i'm happy.

i love that i can hear rhonda retell the same story to about 5 different people in one evening and still explode into giggles at the same point each time.

i, for one, am partial to having meaningless crushes. seriously not all crushes have to go somewhere. it's fun to have the equivalent of a school-girl crush.

is it lame that i'm excited to go to bed because it means i get to wake up and eat bran flakes?

o the blood and the treasure,
and then losing it all,
the time that we wasted,
and the place where we fall.
will we wake in the morning
and know what it was all for?

the minister's cat

i'm really into raisin bran lately. it's pretty awesome! and i think the raisin's are freakin huge!

i think it's really funny that i own the 1990 guinness book of world records.

have you ever been to despair.com? oh my goodness... frickin hilarious! they just crack me up. i wonder if you have to be an office worker used to seeing motivation posters all over the place to fully appreciate why them are so funny.

rhonda and i went to see juno tonight. it was a really good movie and a rather sweet tale.

i was going to delve into other stuff, but at the last minute decided not to. i suppose sometimes a person has to pick and choose what she says. i'm a little disappointed, but whatever.

i feel like the ice has broken and i'm working my way thru. i don't know what the final blow was that broke thru to the other side, but that doesn't matter. it's not like i can package it and sell it for profit.

whoa, i'm feeling a little ill from it being so darn late. nighty night!

sorry my posts have been so random lately. yikes!

stop now before it's too late.

raisin

i feel like a pre-teen gearing up for a teenage rebellion.
i can smell it coming.

we're both standing still looking up.

temporary battles
can take up half your life.

once

my holiday has come to an end. it's a shame. i love my winter holiday, i look forward to it all year. the time when i get to just relax at home and enjoy what i work so hard to have. it's not the returning to work part that stinks, it's the leaving home part. however, i think going out and being away from home is essential to fully appreciate it.

i feel re-energized today. i got my bathroom set-up and a drawer cleaned out. i was thinking about my bathroom, and realized that although i've been living on my own for over a year and a half it never occurred to me that i could put personal effects in my bathroom. i'm used to having a shared space so i always kept perfume or jewelry in my bedroom. it feels like something has snapped in my mind and i've finally realized "hey this is MY space! i can put things where ever i want!" i've heard that about couples when they separate, they don't realize they can hog the entire bed.

what would it take to convince you to share your secrets with me?

i'm a very "feelings" driven person. it feels silly to admit but if i get "a feeling" about something i tend to heed it. the problem is that sometimes it's nothing, but sometimes it really is something. i've been cautioned by feelings so many times that melinda ignore me or says "you always get feelings". but i have been right, and right about really critical things. a feeling that told me something i couldn't possibly know. people say that when you meet "the one" you just know. but honestly, that sounds like dumb luck more than anything else. i've thought every boyfriend i've had was the one. clearly my "feelings" can't be trusted.

today is going to be a better one.

push

my new year's eve entry is always my favourite entry of the year. my yearly recap. my chance to take a look at the past year, to lie it all out on the table and peruse it. 2007 was not a year of many changes. it didn't hold new beginnings or many endings. it simply was. this being said, i wonder what i can conjure up, perhaps more happened than i think.

• had heart broken within first week of 2007
• paid off one of three osap loans
• mayelin returned to work after a year's maternity leave
• tim's dad died
• pete died
• took at road trip to ottawa with melissa to pick up beckie and toured the parliament buildings
• entered the stock market by purchasing bombardier shares
• melinda returned from austria
• fru died
• adopted honey and pekoe
• organized knitting project for kenya
• got adobe creative suite for my computer & more ram
• joined storytellers anonymous
• re-stained my balcony
• planted a garden on my balcony
• went to toronto on a business trip to a rail rodeo and conference
• one of my closest friends came out of the closet
• joined facebook
• read the harry potter series
• took a two-day first aid course
• undertook the design and art direction of hatch magazine
• had beck as a house guest over the summer
• went camping with my family
• went to p.e.i. with melinda (see arsenault)
• re-arranged my living room and bedroom into much more homey set-ups
• bought an elliptical
• painted back porch
• cooked thanksgiving dinner for my family at my house for the first time
• finally raised desk at work in order to stand at it
• had first four cavities filled

for an uneventful year it a lot happened. i'm not sad to close the door on 2007, it was not a great one. i realize nothing actually changes on new year's day, but there's something to be said for "tomorrow's another day". i would have welcomed 2008 a long time ago if i could have. in addition to the above list i also made new friends and parted ways with others. it's bittersweet. actually, i'd say this has been a bittersweet year. a lot of people have encouraged me, and told me they think this year holds good things. i'm hopeful, but still a tiny bit afraid of reaching 2009 and things being exactly the same as they are now. it's not that there's anything wrong with now, but people are supposed to move forward and change, and if they don't that's not good. at some point being stationary turns into diminishing. i will try my best to be bold and have courage.

i will begin again.

fish

my internal clock is officially wack. it's now past 3 am and i'm pretty much fully awake. i'm going to go to bed after this regardless, but i can sense some difficulty as i go back to work on wednesday.

i hope you don't get the wrong impression. i wish i hadn't walked away the way i did. you may never think of me again, but i'll think of you. i wish i could tell you it's nothing personal, if anything it's the personal that makes it harder. however, i've made my bed and now i have to sleep in it.

in the past goals for the new year were very apparent. it wasn't difficult for me to identify the path ahead of me. when i look back at those dreams it's clear that i've achieved them, i've done well for myself and i've come along way. that can make things difficult and somewhat confusing. but i guess i just shouldn't over think things and simply appreciate what i have and how far i've come. even so it makes me feel kind of silly setting goals to be less negative and to obliterate my personal use of plastic bags. they seem so minuscule, it feels like i'm just being picky. anal retentive. i wonder if it's too hard to ask for a challenge – something i can really tackle – without it being a problem or an emotional strain. i don't like problems, i don't want mind-bending confusion. maybe i should build a pyramid in the memorial centre's field, they say those can't be done. or maybe i could find a cure for the common cold.

ok, just so i have some cliff-notes to look back on next year-end, i'll jot down some goals:
• discontinue my use of plastic bags
• drop the 10 pounds i gained in 2007
• curb my own negativity and critical talk
• hook-up
• go to baffin island to visit beckie
• have people over more
• spend less money
now, most of those things are not "measurable" (as they would say at work) so i might be difficult to determine whether or not i've achieved them, but that's ok because it's not like i'll be getting a raise or anything based on the results. hm, i feel as though i need a wild card goal. i'll have to think of that and get back to you in a day or two.

to this day, when everything breaks,
you are the anchor that holds me.

conjugate

i watched mulan with joelle yesterday. that movie gets me every time. i was trying to wipe my tears without her noticing and to have a steady voice to explain the plot to her. it was difficult, but thankfully she was too young to notice the quiver in my voice. it feels so silly, but i just love how she fights in place of her father who was too proud to say he was too old and weak to go.

i've really been enjoying beckie's company. it's nice having someone else in my space, to think in we's instead of me's. we've been eating a lot of junk food, and putting on some pounds. we're on a romantic-comedy kick and go to the goat really late at night, then we stay up until 3 am.

i've decided to stop accepting bags when i make purchases. now that i don't need plastic bags for kitty litter they just keep filling up my bottom drawer. more times than not i can just place my purchases in my bag, and when they don't fit it's really not that hard to carry something in my hand, not harder than carrying a bag. however, i'm still trying to get into the habit of telling store clerks that i don't need a bag, but i'm sure it'll become habitual.

one of the things i applaud about the english language is conciseness. how most often a sentence can be condensed into a short string of words. that's not usually possible when someone has a limited vocabulary, they tend to depend on a lot of "really really"s or "very very"s.

i feel like i'm 14 again. wondering at my own decision making. questioning my good sense. rattled by internal conflicts.

my chance to say something seemed so brief, but it wasn't.
now i know i had plenty of time.

how to dismantle a pomegranate

i'm a little tipsy right now. beckie is home and we just finished a bottle of wine. it wouldn't have effected me except i chugged the last half of my glass. i tend to not believe alcohol has an effect on me then am reminded later when i'm feeling wobbly.

i had lunch with bud and jess today at windmills, it's been a long while since i'd been there. then we went to the goat. apparently i was a victor in the artel silent auction taking home 6 snazzy photos for the maxi pad's walls. nice.

sometimes it feels like life is a crazy math equation that i'm attempting to solve. i haven't a clue what i'm actually doing but i'm hoping i'll get it right.

this is a communal effort. i'd like to give a shout out to beckie who's reading over my shoulder. we've been dancing and competing to see who has the bigger bum. no solid conclusions have been reached yet.

i wonder if i've crossed the line of what's coherent. she told me not to write when i've been drinking.

i need to do something to my bathroom to make it more cozy. any suggestions? haha. i know a cozy bathroom might seem odd, but it just feels really bare and bleak.

if he wasn't mentally ill he'd be the perfect man for me.

davy crockett

well. i had a fantastic christmas with my family. part of me is disappointed that it'll be a whole year before the next one.

joelle was my little buddy who followed me everywhere i went. i slept in her room on a mattress on the floor and woke each morning to the sound of a little voice saying "auntie lesley...." it was really sweet, i had a really fun time with her and caleb. i'm not a huge baby person. i like babies, i think they're really beautiful and amazing, but i'm not the sort of person who will ask to hold them or anything. i kind of feel like joelle is fully into kidhood now and i can play with her and spend time with her in a tangible way. and my relationship with caleb is starting to develop too (it's harder when we're surrounded by a group of grown-ups who are all equally wanting him to sit on their lap. so i feel like i'm finally getting some one-on-one time with him).

we all got along very well, and i had ample opportunity to practice my new "no-gossiping and no-negative" talk policy. it was quite difficult at first but i'm getting the hang of either finding something positive to say instead of something negative, or simply keeping my comments to myself. it's quite refreshing and i feel like a lighter person.

i went to a duck potluck at irina's place tonight. i'd never had duck before. it was a really fun time, and the funny thing is that we all knew one another separately from different places. kingston is crazy tight-knit, it's not even 6 degrees of separation here, it's more like 3, sometimes 2. some people (i.e. melinda. oh, is it gossipy of me to name-drop in this instance?) HATE how inter-twined ktown is, but i love it. it's impossible to meet someone and not be able to find something/someone you have in common. it makes conversation so much easier. anyway, we "watched" flash dance" although that's debatable whether or not i can say that we watched it since we all made various comments right thru it. then we played "apples & apples" which is really quite a fun game. i haven't been much of a game person in the past, but i blame that on my lack of association with game lovers. i'd be up for more game playing in the future.

well i should go. it's 2 am, and so it's nearing my holiday bedtime. until next time... stay fit and have fun.

forget your name,
forget your fear.

waterlogged

i've been working on a painting. secretly. i haven't described it to anyone because i think it would sound strange and the finish product is much nicer than its description. anyway, i completed it an hour ago. it's the first of 4 in a series. the photo doesn't capture it accurately, but you can get the general idea. the colours are a wee bit off. i used acrylic paint and pencil crayon. it is my opinion that pencil crayon is a vastly overlooked medium. i like using it for finishing touches.

he called me at 3 am. i was startled awake by the sound of the phone ringing.

i got thinking today and concluded that i would like to cut-back on my gossiping habits. sometimes i can be such a ninny and i don' t like it. i have actually been working on that, but haven't yet made much ground. i think by actually vocalizing that it will help me break that habit. my mom and i were talking about it today and she thinks people gossip because they don't have anything else to talk about. i think that's a pretty accurate conclusion, and bearing this in mind will help me. if i find myself resorting to gossip to fuel a conversation then i'll take that as a cue to talk about something else. world issues perhaps. the evils of walmart. the clinton impeachment inquiry. i think talking about other people can be extremely toxic and something i'd like to distance myself from because it makes me feel yucky. on the bright-side, i've found by observing gossipy people i've discovered just how toxic it is! so for that i'm grateful. it's very easy to get roped into, so i must be on guard.

i watched a muppet christmas carol on the tv today. i love that movie. i love the muppets. i'm such a child of the 80s. man, does anyone know what gonzo is supposed to be? i feel conflicted about miss piggy and kermit. part of me thinks they shouldn't be together, she's a pig, he's a frog, biologically that just doesn't work. and then i feel racist.

i'll never make the same mistake.

facet

i just thought of another thing i've never done before... i've never read a science fiction book. err, wait, i had to read the chrysalids in high school. i really enjoyed it. so i guess that means i technically have read a sci-fi book before. darn.

my christmas shopping is progressing. i bumped into my dad at chapters tonight, i heard his voice and thought "hey... i know that person!" i treated him to a cup of tea and we split a cookie. then we went to cosco and ate all the samples.

come sit next to me,
pour yourself some tea.

frame

i got four cavities filled today on a whim. i wasn't scheduled to have them filled until january, but went today instead. i insisted that they fill all the bottom ones instead of 2 on the top and 2 on the bottom because they top ones don't bother me. the bottoms ones are very sensitive. they agreed to do it and froze my entire mouth. it took about 6 hours to wear off. around 5:30 i got really hungry and made myself some dinner but i couldn't even drink liquids so eating was out of the question. its not that my fillings weren't set, it was that i couldn't feel the food in my mouth to chew it. having my lower half of my face frozen was a very odd sensation, it was as though i was touching another person's face. i wasn't able to speak properly as i left the dentist office, and as i paid i realized i was not able to talk without hordes of spit pouring from my mouth, so i tried to respond with nods, smiles and friendly eyes. i hope it was effective and they gathered a "thank you" from my body/face language.

the dental drill was much less scary than i expected. i'd imagined them standing over me with a carpenters drill, i was all set to calm myself with brave words, but that was unnecessary. i laid there with my legs crossed and my hands resting under my head like i was lying in a field on a sunny-breezy summers day.

i'm so glad that tomorrow is my last day of work before my 10 day holiday. hurray! i could really use a break, i'm having a dickens of a time getting up each morning. beckie arrived last night and i'm really enjoying having her around. i was disappointed that my face was froze because it limited our options for the evening, but it was nice just hanging around. beck ordered a pizza and by then my face was almost back to normal.

having my first filling today marks yet another thing off my list of things i've never done. things remaining...
• never been skiing
• never been fired
• never been skinny dipping
• never seen the movie white christmas
• never eaten cambodian
• never went to university
• never permanently coloured my hair
• never met my grandpa
• never rode a ski-doo
• never seen the northern lights
• never been to algonquin park
• never got a bikini wax
• never been hung-over
• never watched the sun-rise

i wonder if i'll do any of those things in 2008.

i love how bright it is outside at night because of all the snow. it looks like a full moon every night.

p.s. i'm still looking for someone to christmas shop with on saturday....

i guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but when it rains how it pours.

coffin

christmas shopping is time consuming. i went to three different dollar stores looking for this little tripod thing for my mom. i'm pretty tired, but had things i wanted to do at home before hitting the hay early. i'm pretty exhausted, however, there's only two more days of work before my christmas break, so i'm just biding my time.

i had my performance evaluation today, it went very well. i got a lot of 'superior results' and 'role models' considering i've spent my life being mediocre at everything, it feels great to excel at something. i'm not saying i'm not good at stuff, i'm just saying that there has always been someone else better than me at everything i do. i was a crappy student all the way to oac, and even in college i was just average. it's interesting to me that everything that makes me really great at my job are not things i was taught in a classroom.

does anyone want to go christmas shopping with me on saturday? i only have 5 more things to get. i got a christmas gift from the knickers today. i wasn't sure if i should have got her something too. i don't think so. i think it's a kind of thank you gift. it's this really nice pottery thing for putting spoons on when you're cooking. its really pretty. she clearly was thinking of me when she picked it, because it suits my place really well.

if i could book your life story out from the library i would.

this'll be the last time i ever do your hair.

yearbook

i've had a really fantastic birthday. so far 28 has been very good.

frank took me out for lunch and we stopped at the MTO in napanee to get my driver's license renewed. the lady told me i'm going to be one of the first people with the new cards (they're going to contain a hologram of our photos), so that's neat. she really liked my new photo and commented that i don't look any older than i did in my old photo, which i liked because it was taken in 2000. i like that i'm wearing my new tie headband in my new photo.

i had the girls over tonight for a tea party. it was really fun and i'd like to do that more often. it was a little crowded and i didn't get the chance to talk to everyone as much as i would have liked, but i think everyone had a nice time which is what's important. i really value my friends (yes, i DO have friends, it's just hard when i feel alone to remember that), my mom and i both feel recharged when we have good company. for a while i was needing a break from people, i think i've had that break, perhaps it was too long and my people fuel was running low. i realized after everyone left that i forgot to take photos of my birthday party. that was disappointing. oh well. there's always next time. anyways... thanks girls for coming over! it was so very nice to have you. thanks for making my birthday special [u]

i know it's just a small thing, but i'm so encouraged that 28 has started off so well. it's nice to have a fresh start. it's like a crisp piece of paper.

pleased to look forward, pleased to look behind,
and count each birthday with a grateful mind.

snowbank

this evening marks the end of yet another year. it is my birthday eve. it's been a snowy-blowy day, i'm hoping i'll be able to have a snow day tomorrow. on this day in 1979 there was a big storm in sarina and my dad forgot to plug in the car. so when they tried to leave for the hospital, the car wouldn't start and they had to call some friends for a drive. i was born at either 5:56 or 6:56 (my mom is hazy on the details), so i would imagine that they left no later than 3 am if not before.

usually i'm very adamant that i am [blank] years of age right up until the strike of midnight, but i've been considering myself 28 since mid-november. even when i was at the dentist i told her i was 28 when she asked how old i was. it makes me laugh because that's just going to make '28' seem like a really long year. when i was 10 it felt like it lasted forever, even my mom would say to me "are you STILL 10?", it felt like i was 10 for two years!

beckie just predicted that 28 will be a good year for me. she said "i feel like it will be, but it'll start slow". i just wanted to mark her words as a reminder. and while i'm at it (on an unrelated topic) i'm supposed to mark her words that it'll be weeks, maybe more.

this afternoon i turned on all the overhead lights in my house to see if that might make a difference. i think it may have helped, i'll keep that up and see how things go.

farewell '27'. i bid you adieu, never shall i look upon you again.

and scene.

stars shining bright above you;
night breezes seem to whisper love you.
birds singing in the sycamore tree.
dream a little dream of me.

the lamb

i need to start remembering that it's winter outside and that i should remove my boots when i enter my house before the melt all over the floor.

well. i got a hold of melinda and she took me with her to the artel christmas potluck (i was the only random guest there, but was welcome just the same). after that we went to the screening room where we saw death at a funeral. it was a really crazy obscure movie, but that's probably because we didn't know anything about the plot before hand. i like seeing movies that i know nothing about. we also went to the goat where i made a bid in the silent auction there. that was neat. i've never done that before.

i got carded at the liquor store today when i went to buy some champagne for the potluck. it was difficult to keep a straight face. i was just so happy that i'm turning 28 and could still pass for 18. i don't look my age, i don't dress my age. i'll try to take comfort in that.

arriving home i felt much better. my problem right now is very circumstantial, and after being around people i was feeling upbeat again. i'm frustrated because my weeks are so busy and my weekends are so solitary. i think i should start funneling all social events towards the weekends, because on weeknights i have to go to bed at a decent hour so that i'm not uber tired. melinda and irina diagnosed me with s.a.d., i think safe to assume they're right. that's obviously not the only problem, my life is topsy-turvy, and i'm tired of being alone, but the s.a.d. probably affects how i react to that and how i cope.

this morning i woke-up at 8:40 and was fully-rested. i was still feeling a little dopey so i sat on the couch and watched infomercials on a country-music boxset.

i got to believe in you.
i got to believe it's true.

go

i'm alone without plans yet again on a saturday. i partly blame myself because i decided that i would start planning plans ahead of time so that i don't spend another weekend feeling lonely and isolated. i tried, but no one took me up on my suggestion, and everyone else is busy with their families. i feel as though no one takes me seriously. i've asked upwards to a dozen people if they know anyone they can set me up with, and not a single person has come up with anyone. i am sincerely asking for people to help me meet someone, because i feel as though i'm losing my mind with loneliness. but they don't seem to care, it's not their problem. what do they care if i meet someone or not.

i'm growing suspicious that i don't actually have any friends because if i'm as "popular" as everyone thinks, then why do i spend so much time alone. maybe i don't have any friends at all, it feels like i'm living my life estranged from everyone except for the occasional visitor, a guest-star in the occasional episode. there's not a single person that i see more than once a month outside of formal events like work, church or living room.

i guess today i'll just clean my apartment getting ready for my birthday "celebration" and then go to the screening room alone.

i'm sorry, i don't mean to be rude. i'm just sad and i'm tired of feeling this way. i think i should stop blogging until i actually have something good to say. i'm becoming a real downer. but i need people in order to recharge, and i'm as dry as a bone.

something radical has to change in my life.

he felt it in his heart, but it wouldn’t come through his hands.

addendum:
i just realized i was feeling exactly the same this time last year. perhaps it's seasonal, or perhaps it's just the season of my life.

repo

i don't want you to take this the wrong way but, everything wrong with me is my own fault. haha. i really don't mean it that way. i mean, all the physical problems i've had have been self-inflicted. and usually because i wasn't taking care of myself. gained 50 pounds... my fault. got 8 cavities... my fault. i'm a healthy and fortunate person, so i think it's easy for me take my good health for granted and assume that ailments will pass me by. but they don't. i think i also tend to believe that i can do everything i want to do, forgetting my own physical limitations. i'm tired. if it was up to my brain, i'd be doing my dishes right now, but my body won't let me. i'm so tired. i didn't ellipticate today, which annoys me, because i'm still 10 pounds overweight, and it's not budging. i should have worked out, but i'm just so tired and weary. joy says my iron may be low, that women have lower iron levels after their period. i think she's probably right. that and i don't get enough sleep. no wonder i'm exhausted. i don't know how other people do it. maybe they don't have to get up as early as me, it's hard for to go to bed when there's other things i'd rather be doing. like hanging out with friends, or watching the office season three on dvd.

it occurred to me that i miss having housemates. right now i'm forgetting all that i love about living alone. i like having people around and not having to entertain them. it was nice having melinda and irina in the other rooms while i did my own thing. i look forward to beckie staying her during her christmas break. at least i assume she'll be staying here for a little bit at least. i've been spending too much time alone, and yet i have no energy to go out or have people over. living alone is making me feel detached and disjointed. people tell me it's the weather, and that i'll feel better when the light returns, i hope so. if not, i'll have to consider getting housemates again in a year or two, which would be a shame because i love my house.

knickers mentioned me going with her to pittsburgh in the new year. that would be exciting, i really liked pittsburgh when i was there last.

i think my hair looks awesome. i forgot how much i like it this way.

do you find you get tired much earlier
when you just want the days to end?

wipe

i went to the dentist today.
i've never had anyone else floss my teeth before.
it was really weird.

maybe the company of strangers is just what i need.

aside

i have no idea how an ox and lamb would keep time.

well, i've begun the third season of the office. it feels really good to laugh out loud. i think i was in an extra jovial mood, because i'd worked out on my elliptical and had discovered that peddling backwards minimizes the squeaks. i've sprayed the HECK out of that contraption and it STILL won't stop squeaking. i need someone to stand there as i peddle to tell me where the sound is coming from, because it ALWAYS stops squeaking when i try to crouch down to hear. i wonder if it's TRYING to make me insane. ironically, peddling backwards was also a more intense workout and i think i used thigh muscles i don't usually work.

i'm trying to try new things. after work in the remains for daylight, i was trying to fasten on some replacement windshield wipers. a man named marc came along as i was doing this and began to help me. i initially i wanted him to continue on his way, i have a difficult time accepting help from men – i think that's directly related to the fact that when i was a kid, having to take care of my mom there were no men around to help me, and if i could find a way to manage then, i SHOULD be able to manage now. regardless, in spite of my instincts, i accepted his help and i really appreciated it. i think i'm slowly breaking down the walls i've built up, being vulnerable isn't so bad, when you get used to it. it's like immersing yourself in cold water, it's quite enjoyable when you've gotten used to it.

my baseball bat won't ever be the same. it will aways bear the scars. sometimes we need a reminder of our mistakes, virtual scar tissue to ward off a repeat.

there's a lot that i don't know for certain, but i'm becoming more in tune. more often than i realize, i intuitively know something before it's even stated. that's not to say that i'm never surprised, but i think i'm learning to pick up on vibes and signs, to know when something is significant and decipher what it means. there's an answer for everything and it's only a matter of time.

well maybe now i understand just what it's been that's bugging me.

tunic

perhaps i have learned to love without fear.

fear is the path to the dark side. fear leads to anger.
anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering.

fiat

i just got home from yet another bombardier christmas party. i had a nice time as usual. i ate a big meal and danced the night away. both the eating and the dancing really surprised me since i can't usually consume a lot of food and i don't usually dance in public. two years ago, i went with april and mayelin. then last year, neither of them worked at bbd so i went alone. then this year they were both there again. that amazes me. it was really fun and we had a lot of laughs. it's nice to get dressed up on occasion and feel like a woman.


i've come to an important conclusions – i'm not going to write entries when i'm pmsing. i don't think it's a good idea. i have a pretty short memory for when it comes to feelings, and i think it's better for me to forget feeling hopeless once it moves on instead of immortalizing it in writing.

i was really disappointed because i didn't have time to go to joanna's christmas party this afternoon. i just didn't have enough time to get everything done, and i get overwhelmed very easily. i don't really know how other people do it. i sometimes struggle to keep it all together.

hm

i want to thank myself for being so hard on myself.
there's no one else could know how much i really must improve.
i see my faults come through in every aspect of my life.
i just see the downside of every single thing i do.
i should point out that overall i'm not so negative
i know that there are mostly good things for me in this world.
i feel like, all in all, i'm only being realistic.
i'm glad to see the merits of the things i'm trying to do.

oscar

i quite enjoyed my trip to the dentist today. my hygienists name is lauri, and she was very nice lady. very friendly and i felt very comfortable asking her questions and stuff. there was a lot to go over, i told her about my cavity and about my baby-corner tooth. she took a lot of x-rays and one specifically of my baby-tooth to get a clear idea of what's going on. i have a baby-corner tooth with the adult tooth behind it still under the surface. it's just never come down thru the gums and the baby-tooth has never budged. i heard recently that sometimes impacted teeth can develop cysts around them, which cause a lot of serious problems. this obviously concerned me, so i wanted to get the low-down on that. my old dentist (dr motruk – i won't hesitate to name-names in this case because i would strongly advise any patients of his to go elsewhere) was almost secretive and wouldn't really tell me anything about my oral health. where lauri today was the exact opposite. she said it's their policy to discuss all matters with their patients so they can together work towards a healthy mouth. that amazed me, and it makes a lot of sense! she explained everything she was doing, and why they were doing it. she also explained how oral hygiene affects the rest of the body, how plaque contributes to diabetes and heart disease. it was very interesting!

anyways, the dentist only came in for a 5 minute inspection (i spent about an hour and a quarter with lauri. i realized that hygienists are like dental nurses. they do all the ground work and one-on-one stuff, and the dentists do all the specialty stuff and have the final say). i discussed my impacted tooth with the dentist in depth, she seemed annoyed at my old dentist for not properly dealing with it when he should have. she said i should not have a baby-tooth as a grown-up if there's an adult tooth in there. she said if you reach 13 and you still have baby-teeth then they should be pulled. my corner-tooth would have come down properly back then, but it's too late now, it's roots are firmly developed and it's not moving without braces. she said it's in perfect condition and would be every easy to slip into place with orthodontics. however, that's not something i'm interested in pursuing. she said that considering the location and condition of my impacted tooth, there is no concern of cysts. which was all i needed to know. phew!

when the dr was in seeing my teeth, she checked for cavities. i was listening carefully for her to confirm or deny whether or not i did in fact have a cavity. she didn't say much, then in almost no time at all she was shaking my handing and leaving the room. i was about to say to lauri "does that mean i don't have any cavities?" when she said "you have 4 cavities" i gasped in shock! then she said "oh, wait, no, you have 8 cavities. that was just the bottom". hahaha, i could have fallen over. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

so i discovered why one should not wait 4 years between dentist appointments. i'm extremely thankful that i have coverage thru work. needless to say i have a greater commitment to brushing my teeth after every meal. i have to go back next week for a cleaning, and then back twice in january to get my fillings done. i need to decide if i want white fillings or metal fillings. they said metal fillings last longer. i kind of like the idea of metal fillings. they seem so old-school. i'll have think about that, since i'll have to live with my decision for the rest of my life. in a way it's like a really bad tattoo.

to call for hands of above,
to lean on,
wouldn't be good enough.

sprinkles

sometimes opportunities present themselves, and we have to decide whether or not to take them. i've long thought life is a choose your own adventure. we are constantly faced with choices that can alter the path of our lives. even the simplest thing (walking home a different route, attending an event, a rainy day) can produce such impacting moments without our fore-knowledge. i met a significant friend once in a very unlikely event, afterwards i'd often say to him "what if i hadn't gone there that day? i wasn't planning on going, but if i hadn't, i would never have met you". being a bit of a fatalist he'd simply say "i'm sure we would have met eventually". he's probably right. one night i was down on colborne street on a stormy night one february. i couldn't find the house i was looking for. being very confused by the absence of the house number i was looking for, i started toward the closest house to knock and ask for help. at the last minute i chickened out and went home to double check the address. six months later i met rhonda, that little house i almost went to on colborne was her house. i would have met her that night if i hadn't gone home instead. i think it takes a lot of courage to make decisions that are life-altering. i can only think of a handful of my own bold decisions that have panned out. but sometimes we have to take a chance, and taping into that courage is enough, even when nothing gives.

i was talking to someone tonight about hatch. a man in his fifties. he was the second (man in his fifties) to suggest that we sell ad space so we can afford to get it printed. both times i've been surprised by the suggestion and inwardly cringed. i don't know if it's a generational thing, or a matter of outlook, but (and i may be wrong to speak for everyone) we're don't want to cheapen our zine by turning it into "corporate" propaganda. haha, listen to me, haha, i WORK for a corporation. but probably because of that i understand the difference between business and art. hatch is art. and i don't want to see it be bought by the man so we can keep cranking them out. it's home-grown, it's grass-roots, and i hope it stays that way.

we'll cast some light and you'll be alright.

yonder

i think i just got a paper cut on my nose!

well, i'm feeling much better today. i'll tell you more about that in a bit, but first...

i switched to flushable kitty litter. it's more expensive, but i'm hoping it'll be worth it. it will drastically cut back on my quantity of trash, and i think it'll be easier to maintain. this also means i won't need to use plastic grocery bags, but can use cotton ones instead! (i used to use my grocery bags for disposing of the dirty litter). the new stuff is made of wheat and supposedly it eliminates odors. which is good, i hate the chemical scent of normal litter. hee hee, i love my kitties, they're so funny. i hope they aren't weirded out by the new litter and not use it.

i spun out in traffic today. did a total 180 on a hill. thankfully i was only mildly scared because i needed to be level-headed and think clearly. the cars behind me were far enough back that there were no further repercussions. after that i was quite nervous driving the rest of the way, and i spend the rest of the trip trying to figure out of there's another route to work that has no hills. unfortunately, i don't think there is. i'm going to start leaving the house at 7:15 if i want to get to the office by 8.

i emailed with my mom today, she was very understanding, and i emailed with david too. he always seems to know the right things to say. he asked me some good thought provoking questions, and the conversation has left me feeling encouraged. he's almost convinced me to try internet dating. i suppose i might as well give it a try, it's almost a right of passage nowadays. david is convinced "not being able to find someone" is a wide spread problem across our generation, so maybe this is my best option. i'm not sure what the success ratings are, but i know of several people have met their husbands that way, including one of my best friends who's getting married next spring. i won't put all my hopes in it, but it's probably worth looking into. i've decided though to not dive into that until the new year. give myself some time, and start fresh in the new year. 2007 has kind of sucked in a lot of ways. it's been a rough one, but i suppose i was due for a hard one, they can't ALL be great. HEY! you know what i just realized? i have sucky years every 3 years! 2001, 2004, 2007! weird! so anyway, when i finally take the plunge into online dating i'll probably solicit your help. when i wrote my résumé, i asked my friends to all tell me one word they thought described me. so i'll probably do that, but not yet. ok that's enough about my single state for the next while. i don't want to be a complainer and drive everyone away from me. i just wanted to update you and not leave things hanging bleakly.

ooh, i'm all in the mood for christmas music. i haven't been much of a christmas music fan since i lived at home with my sister, but i suddenly am now! i don't have any christmas cds or anything, if anyone has any they could lend to me, or make into a christmas mixed cd for me, that would be super!

my confusion-cornered commuters are cursing the cold away,
as december tries to dissemble the length of their working day.

inanimate

i have a sneaking suspicion that i may be an adult. hmm. that seems really surreal ;)

i have a cavity. it's my first. it's sensitive to sweet things and cold things. my dentist is a loony-bin, so i've been putting off going to the dentist because i needed to find a new one. and i just didn't know how to go about finding one. they all seem to be pretty much the same. i asked upwards to a dozen people, and everyone said their dentist was the best. i was hoping that i'd come across two people who had the same dentist and that would help me decide. in the end i did decide on one and i booked an appointment this thursday.

i don't feel like myself these days.

sometimes i feel tempted to close away into myself. i've been pmsing, so i've been battling waves of grief while trying to consciously remind myself that it's not so bad, that i'll get thru once again. at times i feel like i'm beyond ripe and now i'm rotting. everything's ok, i'm just tired and don't have much fight left in me. my life is fine, it's good, i'm very fortunate. but i'm hating being single, and it's impossible to appreciate all that you do have when you're missing the one thing you want. i almost feel guilty about that. i also feel sick to my stomach.

canadian tire is completely sold out of windshield scrapers. and mine broke last night down on bagot street. i find it kind of funny. there's not a lot i can appreciate more than irony. it's a real kicker. i like a lot of things. i remember back when i was going thru a hard time because i couldn't find a job, and a friend of mind told me to list 10 things i was thankful for. i'm going to do that now: i'm thankful...
1) for the snow storm today – because i got to go into work 2.5 hours late
2) that because i got to go into work late i did my dishes, and
3) i did 30-minutes on my elliptical before work
4) that i got to hang-out with melissa and rhonda yesterday
5) for my new raised desk
6) for the money my auntie carol sent me for christmas which is almost exactly what i need to buy my new bed
7) that my neighbour shoveled my driveway for me
8) for my kick-ass apartment
9) for the electric scraper my dad gave me last year and i found in my closet. it's heated. it worked ok, although i did burn my fingers on it, but it's kind of neat having no feeling in my index finger and my middle finger
10) that i went to the meeting at next tonight

don’t let the darkness eat you up.

forget-me-nots

well another day has past and i still haven't cleaned my house. instead i watched the entire second season of the office on dvd. it was good times though, and i don't really mind that i spend the day that way. it was relaxing if nothing else. i finished my lime green sox and have started some bright read ones. i'm hoping that i'll finish tidying tomorrow. at least the bathroom, living room and pink room are complete. it's just my room and the kitchen.

this morning as i cooked some pancakes in the kitchen i got eye contact with a man climbing a ladder to my roof. my house is being re-shingled, regardless, it felt strange being peered at in my pjs.

i bought a shirt of my office christmas party next saturday, i was very pleased with myself, it was on sale and i bought a really nice silver cuff for dressy occasions. but when i got the shirt home, it looks awful with my skirt. i think it may actually be a short dress and not a shirt. so i have to return that tomorrow, and they only give store credit. crappy. april is coming with me as my date this year, you know, my friend april who used to work at bbd? when i saw her a few weeks back at marilyn's she was asking about the party and was wonder if she could be someone's date. it should be a fun time. drunk april is very entertaining.

sometimes i'm not sure of my identity. and i wish i was classifiable, categorized, that i would have a "thing".

please don't let me down this time.
i've come a long way to just fold back into line.