rotation

another saturday has come and gone. i will miss you great day of nothingness. you're wonderful – i crave you all week.

i went square dancing with andrew and shannon tonight. on the way there i told them that i wasn't really in a dancy mood, but was more interested in the social activity and people watching. it's usually on wolfe island, but for some reason it was at st. james parish instead. the group dynamics where different, there were more older people and only one kid (usually there's a ton of kids). i concluded that square dancing is very confusing and can result in frustration (for me). i think that's why i prefer just sitting out and watching. i laughed and stomped to the music and thoroughly enjoyed the view. i couldn't help but notice my eyes were drawn to a particularly beautiful man, when i realized i tried to stop, but there's just something about beautiful men that makes it hard to keep your eyes off them. it wasn't like i wanted to get to know him or anything, i just liked looking at him. i did a fair share of dancing, more than andrew expected me to. but i really did prefer to watch. afterward, the three of us went to the toucan for some drinks. it was fun, it feels like ages since i went to a pub.

i'm far to prone to getting engulfed in my emotions. how i'm feeling at any given moment tends to overwhelm me and cause temporary blindness. and the confusing thing is that my emotions seem to have a logic unto themselves. that's fine when all goes well, but more challenging when circumstances are less than desirable. i aspire to be more grounded.

i can't help but wonder.

deer

i would just like to start by reporting back to all of you that i took my bandage off today and i LOVE my tattoo :) shannon said it's very me, and i agree, it really is. i'm so glad that it's there for always and isn't going to wash off.

this evening rhonda and i went out for a night on the town in gan :p we first had a fancy dinner at the gananoque inn, then went to the CASINO! neither of us had ever been to a casino before, and when we were driving to ottawa back in october for cirque du soliel i suggested we go next time isaac is away for the weekend. so we did! it was totally bizarre but really fun in a weird kind of way. we just used the slot machines because we don't know how to play the table games. we stuck to machines of 25¢ and under (the lowest is 2¢). my favourite are the ones with the levers on them. i only planned to spend $10 (which i did), and i wasn't having much luck. on my second last machine i started with $3.80 and was losing credit quickly (i was ok with that, but a tiny bit disappointed), when purely randomly i got a triple play which catepulted my winnings up to $36!!! i played one more machine but quit at $35. leaving with a surplus of $25 was great, PLUS the $10 i went with. that's totally great, that gives me my weeks spending money as i want to go see "man on a wire" on tuesday. if anyone is interested in joining me let me know, the whig gave it a great review.

they're hard at work, but they're hardly workin'.

baptist

as most of you know.... i've been talking about getting a tattoo since at least june 2007. at the beginning of this year i decided it would happen during this year – while i'm 28. shannon has been an excellent pep-talker, regularly telling me GO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT! last saturday after my pedicure i wandered up princess to my neighbourhood tattoo parlor and made an appointment. i told no one (except, i later told shan). i paid a deposit so there was no going back this time, and i didn't want to. i was ready.

this afternoon i received this email in my inbox:
dearest lesley's wrist/arm/hand area, i want to congradulate you on your final afternoon of being naked. In less than 4 hours, you will be wed, to a beautiful star, who you will spend eternity with. this star will be your companion and lover. i hope you have a happy last day of being single and naked. love is painful, as this ink will also be, but it, my lovely wrist friend, will be well worth it. know you will be more cooler than the wrist/hand area on the opposite side of lesley's body. this in itself will keep you strong. i will be waiting outside at 4:55. tell lesley i liked her poem and am looking forward to seeing her tonite. and you, one last time, before you are STARED for life!!! -shann

so with the lovely (if not also odd) shannon at my side, i took the permanent plunge. i held her hand as she became my eyes. i didn't look once. i liked the idea of going in without a tattoo and leaving with one. it was very surreal. i kept thinking "i'm getting a tattoo. i'm getting a tattoo. if i got up right now i'd have half a tattoo". i was very brave. i squeezed shannon's hand, but didn't cry or whine. it pinched a little but wasn't too bad. mack was very nice, i really liked his beard. he got his first tattoo the day neil armstrong walked on the moon.

i'm excited about taking the bandages off. right now it's wrapped in gauze that has a black shell. it's kind of neat because it just looks like another cuff. i'm looking forward to it healing so we can bond a little. my black star and me. that's what i got by the way.... a black star. it's very meaningful to me, but i've never explained it to a soul and i'm never going to. it's one thing i'm going to keep to myself. my private secret. i feel good about it because it's not fleeting or something i spontaneously did without considerable thought.

why my wrist? well... i figured if i was going to get a tattoo i wanted to be able to see it so i could enjoy it. apparently the inner wrist is very sensitive, but like i said... it wasn't too bad. maybe i'm just a tough chick :) this isn't a great picture of it, my skin is all red and it looks a little stretched out because of the way i have my hand positioned. i didn't realize that was my only shot at a photo before he wrapped it up.

i'm pretty happy. it's exciting. i'm really looking forward to growing as attached to it as it is to me :)

you can't judge pain or love.

reverberatory

lately i feel as though deciding when's the best time to buy gas is like playing "deal or no deal". i have to rationalize if this is the lowest it's gonna get or if there'll be a better deal tomorrow if i wait.

someday when i own a house, or if i decided to do some communal living in a house with housemates, i'd really like to have a big kitchen table. on a bi-weekly basis i join a group of friends around rachel's kitchen table at something we like to call "storytellers anonymous". there's something about that table i love – it's big, inviting, accommodating, and interactive. when i have guests, we often sit in my kitchen chatting, which is kind of odd because i have a really nice living room. but there's something about a conversation around a table that's creates an atmosphere for candid discussion. it's probably similar to the car conversation (don't get me started about car conversations, they're the best kind). around a table you're close and yet there's a table between you that acts as a buffer. you're somewhat confined, but there are things on the table which provide distraction or something to fiddle with. and generally talks that start around a table usually fizzle out if moved elsewhere, i think that's because they're spontaneous – you just have to talk and can't wait until you get to a comfy seat. i dunno. whatever it is.... i need to have a big table, i don't care about the kitchen, but a big table is a must.

we did a session on poetry tonight at storytellers. it got me wondering... what's the definition of a poem. what makes something a poem? some rhyme, some don't. is it the way a sentence is written? or the subject of the content? for example: does this old entry – key – constitute poetry? (excluding the quote as it was taken from an actual poem). i'm starting to wonder if i know how to write poety at all. i bought a book of poems this summer. here are two poems from it...

desire by langston hughes:
desire to us
was like a double death,
swift dying
of our mingled breath,
evaporation
of an unknown strange perfume
between us quickly
in a naked
room.

the shirt by jane kenyon:
the shirt touches his neck
and smoothes over his back.
it slides down his sides.
it even goes down below his belt –
down into his pants
lucky shirt

in case you noticed a theme there, it IS a book of erotic poems. anyways... these don't rhyme, so what is it about them that makes them poems? thoughts?

i didn't know anything at all.

relic

it's taken a little over 3 years, but this is my 1000th entire.

3 years of my life. 1000 times sitting at this computer writing about the contents of my brain. i was a reluctant joiner – i thought no one would read it.

so to commemorate this milestone, i thought i'd go clip-show style and provide links to some of my personal favourites, or entries that are meaningful or significant to me for whatever reason. this is going to be tricky, there's a lot of content for me to sift thru, but i'll try my best :)

too impulsive strikes again? <– my very first ode to fru fru say hello with just a glance <– first quote finish hope & courage <– 2005 wrap-up so far... i'm having a hard time picking because each entry is special for a different reason. it's kind of a crazy time machine taking me back to another time and place. i like it. but at the same time it makes me sad because several people are no longer in my life, but also happy because other people were just acquaintances and yet now are really close friends. ok.... let's continue.... bonfire <– my favourite line is "i wouldn't mind being certifiably insane...." lebanon <– first business trip skywalker <– nose pierced bones <– when i got my nose pierced AGAIN entourage <– when i moved from pirates cove into the maxi pad criminalization of the mentally ill mayo zane

this is taking forever. i think i need to start looking for specific ones now. probably nobody will read these selections anyways.

booth <– when my grandma died pepper miles from home <– 2006 wrap-up 安全 rosary ton of bricks katinka affix licorice niche push <– 2007 wrap-up stitches <– liam was born avid

i'm tired. i don't have the time or attention span to keep skimming my old entries. maybe another day. i'm kind of disappointed that i didn't complete the task, but... what can i say.

i know it's just a weblog, but pspd has been a gateway for many things, and therefore changed my life. i did not expect the outcome i got from starting this online diary, but it's been phenomenal. even reading over some entries tonight i can see how i've changed and matured, and what things have plagued me for many years. when i started that damp october night in 2005, i never imagined 1000 entries. even now i can't imagine another 1000, but as it stands, i can't imagine life without this outlet. it's helped transform me into a more transparent person, it's given me a voice at times when i was unable to form thoughts. and opened doors to friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. AND gotten me into some trouble too.... but i learned and grew from those experiences as well.

i guess if it's kosher for me to say this.... i'd admit that i think it's gold and i'm proud of this little venture. it's fun and real, and an active time-capsule. thanks for sharing in this experience with me :)

there are some mornings when the sky looks like a road,
there are some dragons who were built to have and hold,
and some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees.

intervene

composition is everything.

sometimes i like to stand and watch the water heat up because i know that it'll eventually start to boil, my logic tells me that it will eventually if i wait long enough. which is true, but do i actually want to spend that chunk of time standing there watching and waiting? it can become very frustrating and can make the wait feel much longer than it actually is. especially when it appears to be so close to the boiling point for so long. so instead i need to walk away. it'll boil eventually, whether i'm standing there or not. and it doesn't mean i don't want the water to boil, but ultimately, if i've found something else to do while i wait i'm happily preoccupied and the time goes much quicker. obviously this is not a new concept, but the truth is i'm not talking about water at all....

this evening i did a lot of living. i worked out. i ate dinner. i left the dishes. i roasted pumpkin seeds. i sat around and watched the tv. this is living. i haven't quite got the hang of it yet, but i'm moving in the right direction.

oooh. i think i'm alive in this song. it hits be right there. i'm changing my definition of being alive. why is it so hard for me to remember that every moment matters as much as the next?

but i'm driven by a passion,
is it only there to tame?

sky

in recent months, actually maybe it's more accurate to say in recent years, i've become more secretive. not in the most typical way. i've found i've begun keeping certain things to myself because i don't want to hear other people's opinions. it's better if i just do something and not tell anyone (or at least specific people) beforehand. it seems that before something is actually done people are more inclined to share their opinion – welcomed or not. which tends to effect my personal decision. however, if i do something and then tell others after the decision is made i receive a totally different reaction, and quite often more supportive. for example, if i had told my coworkers that i was thinking of going to baffin island to visit beckie, they would've said "don't do that! that's crazy! go someplace warm...." but instead, i told them after the trip was planned, so instead they said "wow! why are you going there?" and had all sorts of questions and were open & interested. obviously... i don't always receive negative responses to ideas i have. a lot of people say stuff like "that's a great idea" or whatever, but timing is everything, so i've learned to wait for the right moment.

i don't want to want. i have no desire to desire.

everything is the same as it was a moment ago,
and yet the room looks all at once different.

forever

sometimes i feel a great need to recoil into myself.

it's november and i'm pmsing. that's a terrible combination for me. i won't go into detail about the kind of day i started off having. but i'll tell you that i utterly resigned and was planning on hiding from the world. i knew that i should go out, but i didn't want to. i knew i should find someone to do something with, but didn't want to. but something unexpected happened, which serves to remind me that i don't have to create every good experience i have. sometimes good things happen to me and sometimes i just have to surrender to them. so instead of having a dark day, i......
• went for my very first pedicure at the nail shop around the corner. it was very relaxing and has made my feet feel so smooth. it tickled a little bit.
• baked some tea biscuits and took them to melissa's house to share over good conversation.
• started a new painting for my bathroom wall.
• joined shannon & andrew, todd & chelsea at shandrew's place for a movie that we watched from inside a totally awesome fort.

if i hadn't gone to vine street tonight i would've totally forgotten to change my clocks :S i'm excited about the extra hour. perhaps i'll have more sweet dreams that will bring a smile to my sleeping face.

everything else i'll keep to myself. in the secret compartments of my heart. and that's ok. there's nothing wrong with a little confidentiality.

i'd love to rest
and keep things under the table.

askew

i'm so excited!!! it's official. i'm going to mexico in february with david, cas, matt, and josh! it's gonna be so much fun! cas called me this afternoon to gab about our super fun trip. i'm really happy she's coming. this adventure will earn matt the title as "my token hetero friend". i'm really jazzed. man, i wish we were going next week! i'll need to buy a lonely planet book about puerto vallarta to add to my collection.

they say it takes 23 days to form a habit. but for me... it's taken 5 years to get used to waking up at 6:30 each morning. it's finally getting easier. i set my alarm for 6:05 and hit the alarm clock for over a half-hour, but not because i'm sleepy, but because i'm comfortable. my ideal morning experience involves gradually waking and being able to lie there staring at the ceiling until i'm good and ready to get up. i like that this has become part of my work-day routine.

that conversation took a turn that i was unprepared for. it vehemently makes me hope that i'm not as easy to read as i've been told.

come and see me
i'll be around for a while.

underpin

i dunno. sometimes it seems that escapism is the only thing that sustains me. well... not the only thing, but perhaps the easiest thing. i don't know what i'd do without my imagination.

i think i'd like to get a puppy someday. probably when i'm in my 40s. by then honey and the koe-koe will be long gone, or at least too old to care. cats can live a long time.

i like hanging out at 450 albert street. i had two glasses of wine and i'm feeling tipsy. or at least like my body is very heavy and it requires a lot of effort to type.

they do cool things. why don't we do cool things? why aren't there enough people interested in cool things?

it snowed today for the first time. the funny thing about the weather is that whenever the seasons change they're familar and not at the same time. it seems to me that at some point within the last 6 months enough time had past that it no longer felt common place for there to be snowflakes instead of rain. i wonder what point that was. regardless, i love that there's enough of a break that snow feels new and foreign.

look around, leaves are brown,
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

sometimes i still think about it.

tea biscuits

i came to be at peace with myself a number of years ago when i connected with a God of love. the funny thing about that is he's the same God i knew when i associated myself with a God of rules and judgment. the difference came within me instead of requiring me to look someplace else. i don't know when it happened, but my legalism and judgmentalism was slowly striped away until i saw others not as "sinners" but as people – a lot of them hurting. i'm forever grateful that God gave me freedom from my rigid, uptight past. this does not mean that i agree with all the moral and ethical decisions of my contemporaries, but it has enabled me to listen and love genuinely, and at times help when i can. and i've been surprised to learn that loving is not as hard as expected. all it really involves is common respect, it means recognizing differences and accepting them, it sometimes means letting others fall down because their own bad choices – but being there to help pick up the pieces, and being humble enough to not control someone else. it's been a load off my mind to not believe that i'm the only person who has all the answers. jesus said "i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" and at another time said "if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed" – these are not the words of a man who wants to enslave his friends or burden them with rules. i now know what it's like to live and move and have my being in God, and it's a marvellous place to be.

at sunday lunch we got talking about multiple intelligences. joy's a teacher and recently read a book about the different intelligences and how EVERYONE is intelligent in their own way. it kind of made me sad that my mom was so down on herself that she kept saying she wasn't intelligent in ANY way. it shocks me that someone could reach 62 and not recognize their unique intelligence. anyways, the 8 different categories are as follows: verbal-linguistic, math-logic, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalist. for a more detailed explaination check out this page. we all agreed that my best intelligence is intrapersonal, and that i also do very well with spacial and interpersonal. but i also think i'm pretty good at verbal since writing is very key in my self-awareness. what about you guys? after reading the different types, what kind of intelligent are you??

the autumn winds blow chilly and cold.

conte

heather said something the other night at living room about her mom never considering their house clean enough to have company over. that sounds a lot like me. that and i'm self-conscious of my cooking. however, i'm working on the cooking thing, and the whole clean thing, i just need to chill – no one expects a lived-in house to be perfect. i never go to other people's houses and inspect it's cleanliness. so this evening i had melissa over, it was lovely having her company AND she enjoyed my cooking. so i'm feeling encouraged. which says a lot because i was feeling out of sorts this morning. she even played boggle with me which was very fun. i love boggle. beckie and i played it A LOT when i was up north.

sometimes i forget to do things.

sometimes i'm way too hard on myself. other times i think i'm the cat's meow. it's really a very confusing existence.

i need to drink more water. i'm resolving to spend the next 6 weeks making a conscious effort to drink more water. that puts me at.... december 4. ooh big day. i wonder if mayelin will have had her baby by then. ok... i'm telling you this so you can help me with my water consumption. i'm not cutting other substances, just increasing water.

i'll choose to see it as a reminder of what NOT to do....

i am lonely but you can free me
all in the way that you smile.

vomit

in my first-aid class today i heard about a 90 year old lady who gave her husband CPR in the walmart parking lot for 10 minutes before they were found/an ambulance came. he survived, which is insane because there's a 10% chance of surviving a heart-attack when it takes place anywhere other than a hospital. on top of that, ANYONE giving CPR for 10 minutes straight is unheard of. that's amazing. she was exhausted and had to be taken to be taken to the hospital afterwards. good on her, what an awesome old lady. they don't get much older than that!!

don't try to hug someone thru a car window. you'll just end up hurting yourself.

i don't like skeptical people. well... that's rude of me... i don't appreciate over-skepticism. when people say stuff like "how am i supposed to know that they don't just take my recycling to the dump with the regular garbage?" come on!?!? how can a person say such a thing. they're totally just looking for an excuse to not bother with recycling. sheesh. some people are suspicious of all the wrong things. or perhaps they're just cynical towards the things that oppose their agenda. which is all the more frustrating, because at the root of it is a control issue. it bothered me when people argued with the first-aid instructor. i don't care if they don't understand why you should only administer one shock from the defibrillator if the casualty is suffering from hypothermia. you just don't because the experts are telling you not to. that answer should be enough. there's a time to question authority for sure, but when a superior is trying to save lives or the planet, conceding should be a no-brainer.

it all works out in the end.

undone

this evening i saw the secret life of bees with mayelin. it was really great. quite honestly, it was the best book-to-movie movie i've ever seen. i was very impressed, they did a fantastic job. i hate it when the plot is changed for no reason, so i really appreciated that they didn't do that.

i once read a book where the author went into great detail about the ellipsis. i loved it. it was every woman's inner crazy girl trying to decipher what was being said or not said.

rhonda wrote to me about how her pants were too short yesterday and it made her feel like a dork. i thoroughly enjoyed that someone else's mood was affected by their clothes.

the tunnel connecting the two buildings resonated with the sound of the rain over head. there's something about being sheltered from a storm that warms my heart and makes me feel safe and secure.

i know you won't fail...

river

i thought the foreword was supposed to go at the beginning.

i had a totally awesome day today because i got to wear the most comfy pair of pants ever. they felt like butter they were so smooth. it reminded me of how in highschool mandy and i called days like that being naked with your waistband on. i won't bother explaining further.

i was thinking this evening about how paul likes to tease me about being old. in reality, i'm not old at all, but i seem so to him because he's 21 and i was born in the 70's. i agree that i'm no spring chick, but i can honestly say i wouldn't trade anything to relive being 21. i feel about my early 20s how a lot of people feel about their teen years. besides, i'm pretty satisfied with how i've lived my 29th year.

hmph. part of me just wants to get it over with.

this has been one of those evenings where i'm a bit like a zombie. i feel a little bit lonely today. i think i need to get some sleep. i'll just go pass out now.... g'night.

if i should pass the tomb of Jonah
i would stop there and sit for a while;
because i was swallowed one time deep and dark
and came out alive after all.

deep

i wish i could wrap this song around me like a blanket it and sleep within it.

the world is saturated in you.

so this is what i concluded... i'm an outgoing introvert. i'm very relational, but i seem to enjoy/thrive-in one-on-one friendships the most. i enjoy larger group events, but look-forward to more personal conversations afterwards. i'm very introspective + self-aware, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to maintain a well-balanced life-style. it's also much easier for me to be alone sometimes then to make an effort with others and yet i'm not self-sufficient alone (contact with others is essential for my well-being – probably a result of my introspective nature, i get worked into a spiral if alone for too long). i'm also a people person who finds just about anyone interesting and like to ask people a lot of questions and learn all about them. i mingle well in social gatherings, although, this sometimes it requires taping into an internal source or falling back on previous social training. i'm animated and lively, which contributes to my outgoing side and often hides the fact that i'm shy. yup, i think that's a pretty accurate description of me, except i really do enjoy interacting with people in a larger group setting then it appears in what i just wrote. i'm a people-watcher. i'd just been thinking about that earlier today, and it's easier for me to form my thoughts completely when write them out, so here's as good as any place else. i suppose clearly defining myself is neither here nor there, but it gives me some peace of mind, and i'll rest well having figured myself out a little better. because, well... this is what i have to work with.

sometimes i could just kick myself when i realize the answer has been sitting under my nose the whole time.

where would i find you?

unbeknownst

i love that while i was at the birthday party of my pure-bred dutch friend (melissa) at the brew pub, a troupe of bagpipers with a highland dancer came in and volunteered to perform for us. it was totally random and yet super awesome.

this afternoon on my way home from downtown i stopped at mcburney park and laid in the leaves for a half-hour. it was really relaxing and beautiful.

i read this in my book today (the character's parents split up when he was 10 – just like me): 'In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word "divorce" camp up. I always figured it came from some root that meant "divide". In truth, it comes from "divertere," which means "to divert". I believe that. All divorce does is divert you, taking you away from everything you thought you knew and everything you thought you wanted and steering you into all kinds of other stuff, like discussions about your mother's girdle and whether she should marry someone else'. after thinking about it, i concluded it's the most accurate literary synopsis i've ever read pertaining to my family life.

what can i say but i'm wired this way.

refund

i like the way the moon shines thru my bare window frame creating a square of light on my floor.

put the horse before the cart.

exit

there's something about procrastination that makes everything just so lovely.

i can't recall when i last felt so comfortable in my own skin. i'm just hanging out around the house in some comfy clothes and i feel like a hundred bux. it's one of those evenings when everything feels right in my world. my goodness... it's amazing the difference a good pair of pants makes. if i could wear whatever i wanted to work, i'd have much more job satisfaction :p naw, it's not just my trousers. it's must bigger. it's like i've just had an arcane glimpse of the universe. it's like a switch has been flicked in my brain and i'm no longer bored.

everyday on the way to work i see a white dove. it's completely surreal because it's so out of place and rare. part of me wonders if it's just an albino pigeon, part of me wondered if it was even there or if i was just seeing things. every time i see it, i'm reminded – it's a sacred reminder in a mundane moment.

it may be a while.

you always knew just how to put the fire out.

behemoth

sometimes after donating blood... plans change and a girl can find herself at jordin's house watching the business of being born completely out of the blue with a bunch of birthaholics. it was very informative. i suggest any woman with a uterus should watch it.

your inside is out,
and your outside is in.

misunderstanding

*sigh* i can honestly say, i'm glad the end of this day has arrived. it was a good day, but full and i had a lot of errands to run after work. this is pretty much the first time i've stopped since leaving work. and even now i'm doing. i'm gonna turn off my computer early tonight and just hangout on my bed. reading or doing crosswords. they've been helping you know... the crosswords. i'm regaining my mental agility.

well, i did my annual civic duty and used my democratic right. and as usual, it turned in to a "where's waldo?" of sorts, but instead it was a "where's lesley's polling station". there's about half a dozen polling stations in this neighbourhood, and they seem to enjoy sending me to the least close one. i live literary across the street from the memorial centre, i could throw a ball and hit it, and yet they send me some place else. i realize the other places are quite close, but they're not as close as kitty-corner from my home. please see the image below.

haha, i'm a massive nerd. i don't know who else would go to the extent of coping an image off google earth, then circling her house and marking the polling stations to make a point. i love that i live across the street from the m centre. for more reason than one. i like that i choose to keep the most ludicrous and delicious reason to myself.

i will keep that 25 dollars and use it to build my fortune.

my... look at the time. i should scoot. i'm tired, but feeling upbeat in an exhausted kind of way.

28 and bored.

doe

i'd like to talk a little bit about intimidation. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. where does it come from? what perpetuates it? is it something about the other person or is it caused by an existing insecurity? maybe it's a combination. i have this friend who i was incredibly intimidated by before i got to know her. we're very different in certain ways, and that's to our advantage. she's one of my biggest fans, as i am hers. i've been dwelling a lot on my personal weaknesses lately, things about me that i'm self-conscious of. they make me worry that i'll be searched and be found wanting. to the point that i've been questioning what i DO have to offer. but i've come to the conclusion that i am simply me, and THAT'S what i have to offer. sure there might be lots of other people out there with the qualities i have, but i'm the only one of my exact combination of ingredients. i'm unique and i mustn't forget that.

this afternoon carpooler paul and i went to frontenac park.

he kept wanting to climb a mountain but there aren't any in this neck of the woods, so i suggested frontenac park. i'd been wanting to go there all summer, so i was happy to have someone to go with. just to clarify.... for those of you following along at home.... it was not a date. i don't talk about dates in public forums. in fact... i rarely talk about guys i like by name on pspd. just wanted to set you straight in case you got all "wink, wink" "nudge, nudge" on me. anyways, it was a really beautiful day, which made for a nice hike.

alas, i don't suppose i made any impression what so ever. but that's better than a bad impression, so i can't complain.

as we live a life of ease,
every one of us is all we need.

hourglass

so.... i have three days worth of stuff bottled up. three days of fun quality stuff.

first.... i went to david's place on thursday night in whitby/oshawa. i took the train and sadly got seated beside someone who appeared unbalanced – as an extra added disturbing bonus he turned out to be reading american psycho. anyways, i had a super fantastic time with david, as usual. it was short, but very sweet. he took me out for dinner and drove me around in his massive 18 seater van. i shouldn't have laughed at him, but it just seems so funny this young handsome guy driving around in a van the size of my bedroom.


next day, i took the GO into the city for my seminar. i'd never been on the GO before and i was very excited because it's a bombardier train. it was really mellow, i enjoyed just chilling, listening to my ipod. the seminar was good. it was about indesign, which is the program i use at work for brochures, ads, etc, and at home for hatch and the standard. i learned a number of things, but there was a significant amount of things i already knew (about 70-30). which really, made me feel awesome and very confident in my design ability.

afterwards, i met up with kate and we went up the cn tower. i haven't been up since about 1987ish, so it was my first time as an adult, and my first time on the glass floor. i was rather anxious about the glass and held onto kate's arm as i stepped on. it took me a while too, like when i jump into a pool of cold water. we had a really great time because we were there during the daytime, then saw the sunset, and saw the city at night! we sat in the restaurant overlooking the downtown hub. it was a beautiful sight, i strongly suggest the tower at night time.


i took the train home at 10:00. since it was the last train there was no VIA1, which enlightened me to the fact that i've grown quite accustomed to traveling in style and did not enjoy economy class the way i used to :( i don't downsize with as much ease as i'd like.

this afternoon i decided i needed to do some clothes shopping. i hate spending money, but it was quite obviously time for some new pants. sarah kindly brought this to my attention the other day when she stuck her finger in the hole i was hoping no one noticed. anyways, i invited shannon along since she doesn't have a car and probably doesn't make it out to the mall very often. she was very kind to come with me and i realized i've gone shopping with a friend probably about 4 times in the last ten years! afterwards she invited me for dinner. which brings me to the final leg of this entry....

shannon, andrew, chelsea and i went over to the corn maze this evening. it was an amazingly beautiful night to be out in the countryside on wolfe island. we split into teams (s & c vs. a & l) and were given walkie-talkies. andrew and i got horribly lost and just couldn't get ourselves going in the right direction. eventually we gave up and went out the entrance. we came across the farmer who took us in the back way and thru shortcuts until we found shan & chels again. he suggested they give us a head start, then took us way ahead and hid us in the corn stalks so we could jump out and scare the other girls. it was really amusing. we did eventually make it out alive. it was tough. we treated ourselves to a bonfire where we roasted marshmallows and played with the kitties in the barn. it was really fun. kind of funny the contrast between last night and tonight. both were fun.

wow. it's been a jam-packed 3 days. fun times! and we still have 2 days of weekend left!

i've reaccessed some choices,
made amends with all the voices.

veritably

i don't know about you, but i've definitely never seen a pink and purple coyote before.

for the last two weeks paul's had to sit thru me complaining about the hoodlums who stole the poles from my green party sign. on the way to work we've spotted several empty election sign poles (the plastic sign part have either been snatched or blown away). this morning when we were at a stop light, i asked him to jump out and grab a set of poles so i can re-instate my sign. the light turn green as he opened the car door to get out and i sat there watching the cars behind me. as he rushed to get back into the car the poles barely fit and he struggled to get inside. it totally cracked me up. a very entertaining way to start the day. the hoodlums have not won. hurray!

i sat with atousa in the cafeteria at lunch. she's asked me repeatedly but i really enjoy walking/reading at lunch so i never went. however, i thought it would be good for me since i want to break my social bubble. it was fun. i'm glad i did it. she's super easy to be around.

well... tomorrow i'm heading to the GTA for a seminar on adobe indesign. i'm pretty excited about that. plus, i'm spending the night at david's place and going up the cn tower with kate on friday. should be a super fun two days.

am trying to say
what i want to say
without having to say
"i love you".

awana

i got hit in the head with a lacross ball.
hahaha

rachel.... (per our conversation)... this is a overtly-subtle message.

i'm done with crocheting. we are not well-suited. but i've tried it out and know we not right for each other. i've completed two coasters and i'm quite content with that. now i've got to get back to the knitting pronto but haven't got a new project.

i've always prided myself on my ability to remember names. i have a freakishly good memory and i like it that way. except, i'm becoming alarmed because over the past week on several occasions i've been coming up short on names. even for people i know quite well, they stand before me and i go several minutes without the foggiest idea what their names are. this is bothering me a great deal. i feel like i'm slowly losing my mind and worry if this is a foreshadowing of my future. i think i need to bust out the cross-word puzzles, it's been a while, i bet that would help. i need to exercise my brain.

we'll all have a good laugh
when they tell us that time is of the essence.

ethos

i woke this morning with a distinct dread for reality. it made me grumpy and rather sad. the day improved after i had the chance to write my guts out to a friend. then improved still when i got an email from another friend. that and the music i was listening to. music has such an awesome impact on moods that it blows my mind.

the turn of events are unpleasant and remind me of how sucky life can be at times. it makes me feel like a used hanky. i don't ever want to make someone feel like this. and as a result i'll probably overcompensate and worry that i'm still failing. alls i know for sure... is that it takes being a good friend to have a good friend. at least that's how the theory goes.

sometimes i feel like i'm having an identity crisis. i'm excited. and unhappy. and content. and dissatisfied. i'm hopeful, and yet despondent. i don't like it, it's really confusing.

well... there's always tomorrow. there's the slight possibility that things will take a turn for the best at any time now. i'll hold in there, because i know i'm much stronger than simply giving in.

the patron saints all patronize me.

mandolin

last night after writing my entry, i ended up putsying around the pad until 2 am. i was doing some impromptu decorating in my bathroom. i think after years of being dissatisfied with it, we've finally developed a kinship. it's so cozy and inviting now. i'm finding myself just standing in there for long periods of time for now reason. this afternoon i went in there with a cup of tea and sat on the edge of my bathtub admiring the walls. it gives me extreme satisfaction. except, the new shelf i put up is crooked and that bothers the graphic designer in me a LOT. i considered taking it down and fixing it, but i don't think i should be putting more holes in the wall. so i've accepted the need to ignore it's slant. it's bothersome but not hurting anyone. what i need to get is a level.

this afternoon i volunteered at the soup kitchen for the first time. i was both excited and nervous. it was a lot of fun, we cooked the meal then served it to them buffet style. i was really touched by how polite and consider everyone was, it warmed my heart and gave me a new perspective. i'm on chelsea's meal team, but she's really short volunteers, so if you're interested in helping out once a month talk to her or ask me more about it. i'm glad andrew and shannon were there this week to help teach me the ropes. i think i'll feel less nervous next time, i'm mostly just being stretched outside of my comfort zone, which is ok because i'm helping others.

i'm sold. i wish i wasn't. but i am.

i am cold, waiting for the day to come.

pigmy

the cirque du soleil meets AND exceeds its reputation.

back in the summer rhonda and i made the decision to go to the cirque in ottawa this fall. it was so fun and utterly amazing. we sat in the back row of a large tent referred to as the "grand chapiteau" which holds 2,600 people, and yet still had a great view and didn't feel far from the action. the huge portable "big top" was intimate in spite of it's vast size.

we saw corteo – i encourage you to watch the 30 second video clip on the intro page, it shows up at the top of the page once its fully loaded.

the performances and performers were enchanting. from women dangling from chandeliers to trampoline beds, tight-rope walking to trapeze artists. cirque du soleil IS what the circus was meant to be. it was amazing. one of my favourite elements is when i see all the acrobatics and gymnastics i think "this is exactly what those olympians are training to do!" it's nice seeing all of those skills in use, and it makes it all the more beautiful in context. the final scene involved about 8 high-bars and at several times there were about a dozen men twirling and flipping simultaneously. at that point i leaned over to rhonda and said "the only thing that would make this better is if they all didn't have shirts on..."

seriously, the whole experience was magical. there were a few scenes with these two costume horses – you know the kind that have two people in side? i love costume horses, i think even better than real-live horses, they're frickin hilarious!

i was also extremely impressed by the grand chapiteau, it definitely did NOT feel like we were in the middle of a parking lot beside a mall. it has such a distinct atmosphere inside it that it made you forget everything beyond the walls. all the merchandize was insanely expensive, like i'm talking clothes that cost more than my ticket. but i did treat myself to a cirque du soleil tea cup, it was a decent price and a nice keepsake.

we thoroughly enjoyed the experience and have resolved to do things like that more often.

the next issue of hatch was supposed to be "hatch gets cultured" but due lack of funds we've had to cancel the fall issue and skip to the winter one. i was going to write about corteo, but al said to save it and not blab it all in the blogosphere. i don't know if we're going to ditch the "gets cultured" theme or not, but i think i'll write my story anyways because if i wait i'll forget. besides, it'll be a nice reminder for me to read over later.

things are good my people.

i've got places to be,
but nowhere that i need to go.

ticket

a little bit of empathy can go a long long way.

it didn't go as i had expected, but it never does. so i was pleasantly surprised by then unpredictableness of it.

sometimes i really want to surpass people's expectations of me. i'm convinced i'm capable of much more and find it annoying and frustrating when i'm not able to show that to people around me. sometimes i feel like a loser because the bar is set so low for me. but thankfully the people who know me well grasp my potential. i know that for certain. that's very comforting.

i'm wearing my toque because it's really frickin cold in here. but the heat just kicked on, so that's good. i'm gonna keep wearing it though, it's cozy and comfy.

do you not yearn at all?

rainy

she and i walk the line. to some we are conservative. to others we are liberal. but we are us, and i think we're both ok with being on the fence. i'm not really a fan of such labels anyways.

i liked sewing while watching a movie about football. it felt very contrary and seemed to amplify my femininity.

i think i was too enthusiastic while washing my dishes because i'm drenched. the worst thing about getting splashed with hot water is the progress of it slowly turning into cold water while embedded in my clothes.

i think spell check gives the false impression of being a good speller. whenever it alerts me of a misspelled word, i correct it right away, then i immediately forget that i don't actually know how to spell that word in real life.

you've got too much to wear on your sleeves.

poppycock

you know what bugs me about myself? that i'm not very spontaneous. well... i shouldn't speak of myself in absolutes because i'm both everything and nothing. i'm spontaneous with the right people, or even the wrong people if it's the right time. the way i see it, there's a time to be a planner and a time to be spontaneous. but what really throws a kink in my life is when my plans get foiled against my will. when i throw out my own plans in favour of fun spontaneity that's a-ok. i don't know how to get around that. i suppose it's all a matter of circumstances, and the circumstances around me at that particular moment were not creating a comfortable setting for me to be flexible. instead it was constricting me, restricting me.

sometimes it seems we're wired as humans to be restless. it's our inability to live in complacency that drives us on to new things.

i don't know a lot of things. but they're not for me to understand or even grasp. but that doesn't change my state of unawareness. it rubs me the wrong way and makes me want to run harder, push farther. except nothing is gained. so i sit and wait for the sunrise.

sometimes i wonder how it would feel.

reach out and touch faith.

exacerbate

i'm just a regular person. and yet i resemble a character in a book or a fictional saga of some sort. i'm really not sure why, i see myself as just a normal girl. to me, it's the rest of the world that's abnormal.

i'm certain that i've mentioned before that i don't handle uncertainty very well. as it turns out, neither does my sister. i've concluded that it's because we're children of divorce. and a divorce that ended 14 years of separation. we spend a decade and a half in limbo. as much as i feel that that's legitimate, and understandable, i also realize that uncertainty is a fact of life, so i had better figure out how to deal. i'm doing ok with that. it's about breathing deeply, it's about taking small steps and finding that the ground beneath me is not as unstable as it seems just because i can't see more than a few feet ahead of me. uncertainty is ultimately a question of trust. and i do.

i'm the full scale version of myself. i'm 100%. no bigger, no smaller. irina told me last week or the week before that i have really dainty fingers. i know most women's hands are larger than mine, but i just figured that i was 100% and they were 125 or 150. maybe i'm actually just 75% to everyone else. i don't consider myself a small person, but i'm not big either. i'm pretty proportionate i guess. i think i'm content with that.

i look the other way as they are kissing their hellos,
i'm pretending not to see them, instead i pour the milk.

piano

some hoodlums stole the metal poles out of my green party sign and left the plastic sign on my lawn. i found discovered this on my way to church this morning. clearly it hadn't just blown over because the poles were no where to be found. now that i think of it, i heard some people out front last night while i was in bed, some girl giggling and other muffled voices. i'm really unimpressed. i feel politically victimized :( mean jerks.

this afternoon i was driving home from my mom's place and passed a large tv with remote sitting on the roadside. i kept driving another 30 seconds or so when the thought dawned on me that we could use a tv at next. so i turned around and went back for it. it was pretty big, but i managed to get it in the mojomobile and then managed to carry it into next and up the stairs. although, my finger did get pinned between the tv and a stair when i was trying to put it down and it crushed my wooden ring – breaking it into 4 pieces. it has a really nice clear picture, and it's significantly bigger than the old decrypted one. unfortunately, the dvd ended up skipping a lot, so i'm still working out the kinks, but feel like we're making progress. hopefully we'll be glitch-free next week.

the tv got me thinking about our active role in solutions (i realize this might seem like a stretch, but i like how simple it is). there was a need: we needed a new tv. we could've belly-ached over it, we could've complained, or done some fundraising. we could've simply prayed that a new tv would come our way. when the tv was there for the taking i drove right past it, and i could've kept going. but instead i recognized the opportunity and took it. too often i expect things to just happen – if it's right everything will fall into place. i wonder how many opportunities have passed me by because i was expected a large neon sign declaring "LESLEY... TAKE THIS FREE TV".

hebrews 11 got me thinking today. i wonder what would be said about me. "by faith, lesley...." i'm going to make it my mission to figure that out. it might require treading more intentionally.

i was really sad when my mom told me paul newman died yesterday. he's my favourite – total dream-boat. especially when his hair was going salt & pepper. and the fact that he was married to the same woman for like 60 years just ups his ante.

i feel like i bear the distinct odor of super spicy salsa right now.
i'm outta here.
peace.

making tea in your underwear.

self-destructing dvd

on the way home from work yesterday i showed paul the hole in my shoe. it's in the heel of my left birkenstock, even though the right shoe is fine. our conversation went like this....
paul said "you need to buy new shoes"
i said "but i don't want to, i'm saving for my leave of absence"
paul said "just go to payless"
i said "but i want birkenstocks. do you think i could patch it up?"
paul said "no"
i said "but i was thinking i could just use some duct tape..."
paul said "it won't work. just buy new shoes"
i said "but i don't want to. i want to try taping it up"
paul said "i don't know why you even bother asking me, when you're going to do what you want anyways"
i said "because i want someone to tell me it's a good idea"
paul said "it's not a good idea. just buy new shoes...."

the life you lead
leads you to distraction.

sand-wedge

for those of you who are interested in the company i work for, check this out...



yes, i know those guys who are being interview. yes, i've ridden on that train. yes, i've stood in those maintenance bays. pretty cool huh? well... in a dorky train kind of way :p

commando

one thing i forgot to tell you yesterday is how much i liked teeing off at the red markers instead of the blue. the red is for women but they're usually way farther ahead. it was great, it felt like i was cheating but i wasn't!!

today i was given a cheese board at work for doing the artwork for our booth and customer dinner at a conference in the states. it has the bbd logo on it. i'm pretty excited because last year they gave me a wine set, so they go nicely together. every time i think of that cheese board i crave cheese. so on the way home paul and i stopped at loblaws so i could by some brie. soooo good.

loblaws is a totally weird word. lob....laws. law-blahs. WEIRD.

sometimes i wonder why in life you have to give up something to gain something else. i guess it's the whole "you have to let go in order to grab on" idea. i'm fighting for even-steven, but in my heart i know it's never quite that easy.

pray that what you lack does not distract.

cowboy

this afternoon i got a break from cubicle fever and got to do something new. for the very first time, i participated in a golf tournament at work! it was really fun. we did a whole 18-holes. it was very tiring, i think we played for 6 hours. i got very hungry three-quarters of the way thru. thankfully they provided us with a big bbq at the end, that was great. it was fun because i got paired with frank, ferrence and carpooler paul. they'd all played before, but i was a complete novice – other than my trips to the driving range i'd never played golf. i really like to wack the ball with all my might, but that doesn't usually bode well. i realize this, i know it's not about how hard you hit the ball, it's about form and yada yada yada. i had a big handicap because i kept wanting to hit the ball similarly to how one hits a baseball. i can see how golf is a game that takes a lot of practise. the course was really zig-zaggy, frank said other courses are set up differently and you can't see the other ranges. but at least they had it arranged so that where we were teeing off we could only see the flag we were aiming at. the course was pretty beautiful, and i imagine it's amazing at the height of autumn. i'm not a great golfer, i'm borderline bad, but it was my first time, and i think having fun is the most important part. the guys were good to play with because they're not competitive and they were really patient with me. my right arm is very sore because i accidentally miss the ball a lot when i swing. i think all the phantom shots tired me out much faster than 18-holes of golf normally should. golfing is weird, but i like it. i love the bent grass.

i really like how rachel L always makes herself do things she hates. she arrived with bren at storytellers tonight stating that she hates writing and didn't want to do it, and that was exactly why she was there. there's something to be said about tackling dislikes/discomfort dead-on. i can learn a thing or two from her about that.

i'd have to say, things are significally better now that we let that poor elephant out of the room. the walls have been torn down and it is running free.

he's out. he's out. he's out!

as i walked the greens at the golf course today, i was thinking how marvelous it was being away from my computer. i don't miss the internet at all when separated from it. it made me want to do away with my email completely. it don't think that's feasible, but maybe i can start by turning off my notifier and only checking it once or twice a day instead.

you wanted to be shameless – you didn't want to want to.

BE

sometimes i wish i could just post a song as my entry. if i could i'd post "these days" by nico. instead i'll just include a link to it's lyrics (door number one). an honourable mention goes to "the evangelist" by jim guthrie, but since that's only a runner up and reminds me of something i'm not allowed to think about i'll omit a link. if you're that interested you'll have to google it yourself :p

saying things outloud draws attention to the ludicrous. now that i've said it, i regret even thinking it.

i've tried everything. nothing works. i give up.

you were planning it i didn't mean to interrupt.

avid

my plans for this evening got canceled, so instead of having a boring evening of chores, i decided to go to the screening room. i saw bottle shock. it was great.

i wish you'd been there with me on the walk home in the dark. i would've told you all sorts of things...

like how i won't shake his hand. shaking hands is for business men or how you greet someone in africa. but shaking hands is not for me. we are not making an alliance, we are not about to duel. i will not shake his hand.

or about the time i tried to ride my bike while walking my dog.

or how i liked the way my hair moves in my shadow. the way it blew and waved around.

or about how sometimes i can't remember which day of the week it is. he didn't know which day it was and wore jeans to work on the wrong day.

or about how all i really wanted to buy was one single apple, but there were about 80 people in line at a&p so i just placed that mackintosh on a shelf and walked right out. afterwards i kind of wished i'd taken the apple with me, but that would've been wrong.

or about how annoyed i am at myself for leaving work without my vest-coat and book. apparently i was in a real rush to exit my 8'x8' blue cube that i left my worldly possessions behind.

or how sometimes i wish i could forget. everything.

or how i think it's weird that the word "lens" has an 's' on it even though it's singular. why isn't it just a "len"?

or about how i think geese should wear neck ties.

or about how my mailman can't discern between the last name "knight" and "mcknight". there's a difference, it might be subtle. but you'd think the different first name would come in handy in that case.

or how it just hit me that they don't live here anymore. that sucks.

it woulda been nice to walk with you.

i'm just a girl in the world...
that's all that you'll let me be!

bothersome

season four of living room started this evening. i think out of all four premiers this was my favourite. i wasn't feeling stressed or anxious or a lot of pressure from my own expectations. i was prepared to roll with the flow and things went really nicely. it was a good group and we had some good discussion. we're studying the nooma series.

i'm incredibly restless right now. i'm emotionally fidgety, and it's a sensation that's not going away. i agree with the diagnosis that i'm on the verge of something significant, but i don't know what. i have yet to figure that out, although i know what i'd like it to be. sometimes i feel like i'm on the outside looking in. i kind of feel like a benchwarmer. wow, that's actually bang-on. i totally feel like a benchwarmer – i didn't realize it until i wrote that. no wonder i feel so restless and fidgety.

i'm really terrible at icing cakes. good thing i doesn't really matter, it tastes the same regardless.

i'm so bored with my life right now that i feel numb. man, i wish i could feel something, i sure do miss it. when i was a kid, "bored" was a "swear word". we weren't allowed to say it, we had to find something do to. i still kind of work that way, i instinctively want to "fix" my bored state, but there's no quick solution.

when's it gonna be MY turn?

let's forget about the boring brick suburban homes,
let's go out, we'll take this town,
let's wrestle this city to the ground.

bake a cake

he's an aneurysm waiting to happen inside my cranium.

i saw mamma mia tonight with my mom and sister. i've never been to the movies with them before. my dad was a baptist minister, and in the 80s pastors didn't go to the movie theatre. except, we did go to see billy graham presents "caught". man, that movie was disturbing. much worse than "the chipmunk adventure" or the ernest movies or anything ELSE we could've seen...

anyways. we saw mamma mia. i have to admit, i liked it much more than i expected. i thought it would be good, but i really loved the older women. i can see myself being much like them in my 50s. i loved meryl's long hair, i long ago decided to keep my long hair when i'm older, i think it's ridiculous that women cut their hair simply because "older women just don't have long hair". WHO SAYS?!?! meryl was beautiful and flowing and natural and confident. i loved that she and her girl-friends were goofy and comfortable together like old shoes. i hope i'm like that with my girls when i'm that age. somethings change with maturity, but personality doesn't. melissa's always saying she wishes she could see me at work because she thinks i'm too goofy to be professional (not that she doesn't think i am, but she wishes she could see me there since it's a side of me she's never known). i am rather goofy and quirky and random, i don't suppose that'll change much when i'm in my golden years, in fact i might be even more so! i've had things dormant fear for as long as i remember that as i get older i'll lose myself and turn into the grown-ups i've always known. it's disturbed me since the beginning. but now i'm feeling more assured that won't happen.

i need to download a bunch of abba songs. forgotten how much i love the song dancing queen.

when tomorrow gets here where will yesterday be?

unicorns

it was good.

in the car home today paul and i got talking about the differences between men and women. i told him how i'm so puzzled by the male species, and he in return said they don't understand anything about women either. he asked me a lot of questions about how the minds of women work, i tried my best to explain each scenario he presented. it was a little tricky because as the words were coming out of my mouth i knew it seemed crazy and backwards. i also felt bizarre letting him in on the secrets of the female psyche, AND i also didn't want to further tarnish our reputation by exposing our inner most concepts.

haha. poor paul didn't realize that by agreeing to be my carpooler he was also becoming fodder for pspd.

i've noticed that although my sister is 31 years old, she still says "soap oper" instead of "soap opera". i don't think she even realizes her mistake. i should tell her one of these days.

the green party sign on my lawn makes me smile :)

he told me i was charming and beautiful. i've never been called charming before, it was very reassuring.

sometimes i feel like a character in a novel.

now you come to realize the truth and the advice
about the best laid plans of mice and man.

diamonds

sometimes when i'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things i need to do it makes me not want to do anything. i'm giving myself permission to slack off in my personal life until saturday. although, there are some responsibilities that i can't escape – like typing up the minutes from the bored meeting :S all i really want to do is lie around like a lazy bum.

i can across a photo of my 14-year-old self today. sometimes i swear that's a totally different person. i wonder what i would've thought of me if i'd been able to meet my 28-year-old self back then.

step one is done. HR got back to me today saying that if the knickers is ok with me taking a leave of absence that's ok with them. now's the scary part of having to talk to her. it could go either way, sometimes she's very hard to predict. but first i think i'll gather more details and contact iona about it. so it still might be a month or so before i approach my boss.

guess what i learned yesterday? that instead of going "hahahaha"in spanish, they write "jajajajajaja". hahaha. or should i say.... jajaja.

you're still a super hot female.

splash

everything he says is cryptic and i'm left trying to figure out what he means. it's fun, like a puzzle of the spoken word.

ok people, what's the deal with the letter Q?? like, why is it so frickin co-dependent on the letter U. i propose that we put an end to this behaviour and just assume that the U is there. from now on, Q letter words shall be spelled like so: qeen, qit, qick, eqip, eqal, aqire, and so on. who do i speak to about this? i realize these words look bizarre but we'll all get used to it, we can't hinder progress just because it reqires an adjustment. there are huge advantages to this, just think how this change will alter the game of scrabble! and while i'm on this topic.... what's up with the letter X?? when it's at the end of a word it has a hard K-S sound, like botox. but when it's at the beginning of a word it makes a Z sound? like xeno. it's the chameleon letter!! i find this infuriating.

below is a photo of me and shannon at the goat celebrating. i like this pic – how the background is so dark and yet our faces are so washed out. i also really like that i don't look 8 years older than she is, like i am in real life.


my book has me swept away with girlish notions. i was afraid for a minute there that the heroine had been killed. i swear if they'd killed evy i would've tossed that book across the room and never have picked it up again. thankfully that didn't happen so i plod on with elation.

beautiful chin, beautiful shoulder-blades, beautiful forehead, beautiful big toes, beautiful sternum, beautiful pancreas, beautiful things, BEAUTIFUL ESOPHAGUS. oh you are so beautiful...

abominable

i don't think i'm particularly thick-skinned. nor am i overly sensitive though. things happen and they sting, but not for very long and usually not without good reason. i think enduring critiques from classmates in college helped me learn how to accept constructive criticism. i also know how the world works and that not everyone will like me or the things i do. i have no grand illusions that i will be found in everyone's favour. and because of that i'm developing a layer of scar-tissue. i guess times like this i'm reminded to be slow to criticize others and to be gracious with people i don't know. i take solace in the fact that those who know me love me.

timing is everything. right now i suspect i need to be open to anything.

sometimes you can't make it on your own.

wind

it's freaking hot in here. i was getting used to the colder weather and now i feel constantly moist. yuck. i swear my eyelids are sweaty.

this afternoon shannon and i went to the demolition derby at the fair.


she LOVES demolition derbys (strange considering she's a raging feminist and vegetarian. it just seems very uncharacteristic of her. but if there's one thing i've grown to love about shan is that she shatters all preconceived notions. she's a wonderful and marvelous woman of strength and abnormality). i'd never been to a demolition derby before, it was very entertaining. i bought some cotton candy and crochetted a little (i like knitting/crochetting in unconventional places). it felt funny being at the fair considering my animosity towards it, but whatever, i'm not one to shy away from things because a steadfast/silly rule in my head. we hung out with some animals afterwards too. that was pretty cool.


while everyone's been up in arms over the new facebook, i was thrown for a loop with the new sitemeter. i HATED IT! it doesn't give me the information i enjoy the most! however, about an hour ago they switched back to the old format. i don't know why, i'm hoping they'll keep it this way, i really didn't like that other format. it bothered me a lot.

tim says listening to the surmising of women is both amusing and annoying.

i believe in the kingdom come,
then all the colours will bleed into one.

galoshes

i'm sleepy but i want to stay up reading. my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak....

shannon and i went go-karting this afternoon! each summer i want to go but can never find anyone willing to go with me. we were the oldest people there who weren't accompanying children. it was pretty fun and was shan's first time ever. afterwards i got thinking about how the only difference between doing something and not is the act of going and doing it. it's pretty simple. you want to do something, so do it! i need to act on these things more often instead of letting 10 years of wanting to go-kart go by. i love doing stuff :)

later today i went to amadeus cafe with rhonda & isaac. i'd never been there before, but after meeting the owner at michelle's place i decided i should get on that. so just like with the go-karting we went, and it's now crossed off my list of things i've never done before that i've been wanting to do. it was good!

i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but write of it again to emphasize the extent of my problem. i have a major compulsion to paint my fingernails. inspite of this urge i'm also quite disgusted by it. i use crazy strong colours and find the whole ordeal quite ghastly. i worry sometimes that other people are grossed out by it because i sure am. it doesn't suit me at all, my nails are short and my fingers are small. i wish i could stop, but i've discovered it's a guilty pleasure so i continue. it's like self-inflicted cruelty.

i live in a breakable takeable body – an ever-increasingly valuable body.

poi

she wrote me a beautiful letter. she told me "take heed, you will come forth as gold". i cried fat tears on her behalf. i love her dearly. i miss her now, i'll miss her more then. i wish she wasn't an ocean away.

on the way to work paul was telling me he had a date tonight. they were meeting at the goat – it was his maiden visit. he was so excited about it that it was contagious. by the time we arrived at the office i was all like "oooOOHh ya... paul's going on a date." i was also really psyched about him going to the goat for the first time. i was totally in the groove with him.

shannon and i went to tracy's birthday dance party at next tonight. it was really funny because before hand we were both like "are you going to dance?" and i told her i dance all the time at home, but i don't dance in public without a little bit of alcohol. since it was a dry party (because next doesn't have a liquor licence) i wasn't sure how comfortable i'd be – sometimes i'm still held back by my inner baptist. so we went to the lcbo and bought a bottle of australian wine (in honor of tracka – the bottle was plastic, it was really funny) and drank most of it at shan's house. we felt like the drunk kids crashing the school dance. i wasn't drunk, but it was enough to make me wobbly – i CAN'T hold my liquour. we went and danced the night away. i danced so hard i ripped my pants. hahaha, it's not really as it sounds, but i still ripped them nonetheless. it was funny because shannon, chelsea and i went into the "make-out room" (or at least it SEEMED like a room set up for make-out sessions. chelsea and todd claim to have made out in there, but garry and i don't believe it. those stelmachs can't be trusted :p ) and tracka twirlled fire. all in all it was a fun time.

illusions in my mind.

hyperbole

you know what? i'm incredibly fortunate to have some of the best friends in the world :)

oh my goodness.... i LOVE this SONG. it sets me on fire and makes me feel so amazingly alive. i dance around my little room with dance moves no one else can see.

i like sentences that go like: "she had had enough" and "he realized that that dog was up to something". like, what's up with those double words?? it blows my mind!

at lunch i discovered that i'd left my trashy novel at home and i felt a pang of separation anxiety. i'm becoming unwittingly attached to it.

the fair has arrived at the m centre across the street. it is my least favourite part of year – when my street is over taken my circus mongers and tractors. i'm bracing myself for the saturday morning country karaoke that will take place a stone's throw away from the pad.

we're rolling neon lights and slinking purple skies.

one tooth. two teeth.

today is my 5th anniversary. i've been working for bombardier for 5 years. wow, it feels like a long time and not at the same time. i can't get over how much my life drastically changed at that point. well, i don't suppose it was noticeably drastic at the time but it's so glaring obvious when i look back. it's been a good 5 years. 5 of the best. i was 23, so unbelievably young i've grown in leaps and bounds both professional and personally since then. it's neat. i wonder where i'll be in 5 years from now. i'll be 33.

i forget all the bad things.

it's funny, my phone just rang, when i answered it the person said "hi lesley, it's paul" and i said "paul who?" hahaha. oh, just paul who i drive to and from work with every day. you'd think the french accent would've tipped me off. i feel kind of guilty about that. paul who... hahaaha

i wrote a story about rachel's bathroom.

i have to admit, i'm really getting hooked on my trashy/clean novel. i'm a sucker for sentences like "he was more handsome than ever, with a devilish grin and devastating gaze... every inch a scamp".

my truest smiles are the ones i make with my eyes.

not trying to catch your eye, not trying to touch your hand,
not trying to show you part of me no one else can find.

virtue

paul likes the way i say "bizarre" and "i know" all the time.
i like the way paul says "seriously".
shannon likes the way paul dances.
i like the way shannon leads as a gentleman dance partner.

since i downgraded to basic cable i have a very limited selection to choose from for when i do my workout after work. i ellipticate for 45 minutes. oddly enough, i've begun watching "dr. quinn, medicine woman" on vision tv. it's pretty amusing. we were so obsessed with that show in my tweens. it's kind of funny to watch, i thought i'd hate it, but it's given me a few good laughs, i don't take it as seriously as i once did. i'm almost looking forward to watching it tomorrow! hahaha. who am i?!?!

if i forget, won't you wake me up?
remind me not to feel a thing.

daisy chain

my day did not start off so well. i arrived at work to discover one of my external hard-drives was not responding. it's my big hard-drive with all my working files on it, everything i've done this year. obviously i was kicking myself for only backing up my files on cd once a year (in december). however, i knew getting upset, stressed and sick to my stomach over it wouldn't help anything, so i remained calm. i informed my colleagues of the handicap and called the IT department. chuck the computer guy suggested trying it on another computer, and we managed to get it working on frank's mac. so he copied all the contents onto his computer and we now have to find a way to put everything back on my compy. it's totally weird when there's no explanation for the defunct behaviour. it was working, i could turn it on as per usual, but nothing. i hate it when that happens in life. like when a person dies, or i lose something and can't find it, it's so frustrating because for all intensive purposes life is the same, except it's not.

i emailed the head of HR for info on getting a leave of absence. she didn't respond. sounds familiar. i think ignoring emails is a really popular thing to do lately. it's becoming very trendy... i told my mom today that i'm afraid they won't approve my leave and that i'll end up working in my cubicle for the rest of my life. ironically later this afternoon knickers made a comment about me wanting to work there for another 30 years, and i said to her "i do?" i hope she picked up on the hint. i think i decided today that if i'm still working there in 10 years that i will force myself to go else where. there is so much more to life than a stanchy office. i really want to eventually do something else. i don't like living in survive mode. i'm not a survivor, i'm a liver. give me room to move and grow! because i'm feeling squashed, there must be more than this!!!

his time is up.

i'm reading this ridiculous novel right now. i've read two trilogies by the same author before; the first one i loved, the second one was ok (however it did provoke my obsession with pirates), but this one feel so trite and predictable. girl has unacknowledged crush on scoundrel who is handsome and everyone else swoons over except for her. i can guarantee that after she keeps her distance and he makes bold gestures to get her attention they will fall in love and get married. frig. why do i read this garbage. they're always the same – its always the most beautiful underprivileged girl (or boy) who is strong willed and fights against the opposing forces of the world and triumphs over the odds. oh, we mustn't forget the little detail that the girl is unaware of her beauty and the way everyone regards her. i swear, if i write a book it'll be about an ordinary girl who is plan to look at and gets ignored by mostly everyone. that was one of my favourite elements of "a complicated kindness". oh, and i think i'd like for everything NOT to work out in the end. that seems most realistic.

i want them to hate me so you can love me on the sly.

ransom

we had the funnest pizza party at next today. it was so great. i like it when everyone stays and mingles together. you know? that's the way it should be. it made me really happy.

i am a highly communicative person. at least in written form. via writing i will tell people things i wouldn't say under normal circumstances. i think i assumed everyone was that way. but i'm starting to grasp that not everyone feels natural while writing. in fact, for some people writing is an unbelievable challenge.

i'm not sure why, but i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is completely fraudulent. a total phony, and he's the only person who doesn't know it.

this evening melissa came over for a cup of tea and a visit. it was funny because when she arrived she gave me a big hug in the kitchen, the curtains were wide open and a lady walking by the front of my house was watching us. we laughed, but it seemed so weird! like, can't a girl hug her friend in the privacy of her own kitchen? jeepers...

tomorrow i'm going to ask HR about the possibility of taking a leave of absence from work for 6 to 8 weeks in the new year. nothing to be concerned about, i'm just considering having a grand adventure and a meaningful experience beyond the boarders of my ordinary life. the knickers will not be pleased, hence the reason i'm bypassing her and asking HR. cross your fingers....

i'm working it out.

maze

i wonder about that expression "things happen when you least expect it". like, what's the deal with that? do expectations seriously hinder things from happening? and what's the difference between expectations and hopes?

shannon and i had a wonderful adventure over on the island today. we took the ferry across to wolfe island and went for a long bike ride to big sandy bay. melissa had told me that it only takes 30 minutes, but it took us closer to 50. we're slow. we sat in the sand for a long time talking and eating chocolate. after we were there a while we noticed a dog come out of on to the beach about 75 ft away. it was alone and was coming right at us. shannon commented "oh, it's a dog wearing a life-jacket" we both laughed and found it strange. but as it sauntered closer we realized it wasn't a life-jacket at all! in actuality, his torso had been painted black with a large yellow "32" on both sides!!! he kept going and had a bit of a limp. no other dogs came along nor did any people. just a lone dog apparently escaped from a race of some sort. i'm seriously not making this up! it was frickin' hilarious. on the way back to town we got caught in a light rain, which wouldn't have been a big deal except it lasted for our entire 50 minute ride back and by the time we reached the island grill for dinner we were drenched.

thankfully, we went up to st. margaret's hall for an old fashion hoedown, which made us all hot from the square dancing so our damp clothes were refreshing. we had a super fun time, it was neat because rhonda & isaac were there, and so was carpooler paul. the last dance made me super dizzy. it was a good time. once again being on the island got me thinking that maybe i should move there soonish, but when i arrived back at my house i remembered how much this is home for me. i'm not ready to move there, some day but not yet.

you could throw me a bone.

snub

i don't know why, but i guess i don't really want to. knowing doesn't change anything. i just don't want it to be, and the why feels irrelevant.

you've got to put the fire out.

i wonder why everyone is so much more pleased about it than i am.

i'd like a definite no, if nothing else.

my shirt is damp from the rain.

we're a peanut-butter and jam sandwich.

nobody knows which street to take

(in)famous

so funny thing..... oh nothing...

joy came over tonight and we had a nice visit. i filled her in on my life changes, and she confirmed me in the directions i feel most drawn to. it feels good to have her along on this ride with me. i can't help but wonder if it's a coincidence that everyone's instincts are saying the same or if it just means we're all right but don't know it yet.

i got my phone switched to cable phone tonight. that reminds me, i should record a new outgoing message on my voicemail. apparently that doesn't transfer with my number. so ya, my number's the same. KIM-HAYS. now i can call beck up north for the same amount of money as calling melissa tebrake in k-town. not like i'd exercise that right, i hate the phone, i only answer it 40% of the time. i don't even know why i have one actually.

you'd be proud of me if you knew.

i will bring a song to you.

vagina

i just got a letter from the love of your life. it made me laugh out loud, and at times almost cry. when he talked about his love for you i smiled from ear-to-ear, it's like an old-fashion sonnet. you truly are the most romantic couple i know, it's lovely. he is indeed an incredible person, and i am blessed to know him. and you too! there's something amazing about hand-written letters; emails and the computer age just can't replicate it.

tracy invited me to a stitch n' bitch at made4you tonight. it was the first one ever. it'll be held on the first wednesday of each month. i'm excited since i'm looking for opportunities to meet new people and mingle in new circles. it was a smallish group tonight, but i enjoyed myself, and tracy helped me figure out what i was doing wrong with my crochetting, so i'm going to have to rip it out AGAIN! the stitch n' bitch was run by a girl named meredith, i was amused to discover his full name was "meredith lesley" which is super fun because my name is "lesley meredith". i think the strangest part about that, is that she's the SECOND meredith lesley i've met THIS YEAR! madness! anyways, i'm pretty happy because i now have a new activity that doesn't cost me anything. yay! i'm making progress.

i know i'm not done yet. i haven't got it out of my system yet, or alternatively i haven't fully absorbed it. regardless, it'll still be a number of days before i switch to something else.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

target

if it isn't obvious right away, then i think the answer's pretty clear. that being said, i'm going to consider everything ELSE you told me.

sometimes i don't like the words that come out of my own head.

if you don't try how will you know?

metamorphosis

well, another labour day has come and gone and i'll be putting my white accessories away for another year. ok, not quite. i've never understood that whole after labour day thing.

i've had a lovely relaxing day of relaxing and cleaning. i got every room in the house done except for my room. i ran out of time because i was going to melissa's place for a bbq at 5. i had a really good time. i have to admit, i was a little nervous, which is stupid because i KNOW i can make conversation with just about anyone. but i've gotten out of the habit of stretching myself, becoming lazy in my comfort zone. but i went, and i mingled and i talked about work with about 5 different people (it's a good thing i like my job and my industry), and left feeling really happy, i enjoyed all the people i talked to. i'm glad she invited me :) and it was perfect timing since i'm looking for opportunities to mingle in new circles. not that i'm tired of the people i know or anything, i just need expand my world and mix it up a little.

you know what i've noticed about my car? that it provokes envy in the male species. it's not a super fancy car or anything, but whenever it gets mentioned, men always raise both their eyebrows and say "ooh, i really like those cars" – without fail!

it's nice to know that i have a huge group of cheerleaders behind me as i try to figure out the next path for my life.

i'm so glad i don't have to go back to school tomorrow. i've been graduated for 7 years, and every year i feel relieved that i don't have to go to class. phew! i'm so glad my chosen profession worked out for me.

i asked and you told me
"go give it all you got".