phoenix

i will ever "not know" more than i "know".
we will never know more than we don't.

life is all about perceptions. my dad comes over and always comments "this male cat is so affectionate". i say "ya", when i really think pekoe's needy and always hassling me to be petted. i think he's WANTING affection, while my dad thinks he's GIVING affection.

buddy is in town and i had the pleasure of lunch (or a late breakfast rather) with him at the goat. we walked around the hood for a while, and watched the shortest parade we've ever seen. it's pride weekend in kingston, and the parade was roughly 50ft long. we stood at the corner of princess and clergy watching it, and as it passed we walked down to the goat to where my bike was and his car was parked. this meant we walked alongside the parade the entire way. we felt like we were stalking it, or sideline participants.

i'm a calculated person. just about everything i do is intentional. some of the things i SAY are accidental, but i never do anything mistakenly. sometimes it's exhausting being deliberate all the time, but it saves me from having regrets. i can mostly feel confident in my choices, even though i reserve the right to change my mind. because i'm such a calculated person it really bothers me when people tell me what to do. it aggravates me because i already intended to do such-and-such, and if i didn't it's because i decided not to (for good reason). sometimes i wish my word would be enough and people wouldn't always feel compelled to question me. those who know me best know that when i'm decided about something, i'm usually 100% sold. they know me to not be very flexible.

sometimes i wish people would stop thinking i'm completely free simply because i'm unattached. i'm not isolated, i'm actually not without people depending on me. i actually think i have more people depending on me because i'm not legally obligated to someone. when someone is married or has children, other people don't expect as much from them – because they're "very busy".

we can't decide to love someone – we love who we love. i guess we hate who we hate too.

it's been a quiet, warm weekend. it's been nice. a few times i've thought "i should call so-and-so" but i don't want to. if i did i'd do it. i'm intentional that way.

i'm circling around the sun,
hoping for a chance to see.