secretary

i lit my citronella candle for the first time this evening as i sat out front on my balcony. the flame rose quickly and wildly, at times reaching 5" in height. i watched it flicker and dance in the dark, i was both compelled and hypnotized. i couldn't look away because when i did i had one of those reverse imprints embedded on my eye. i sat there amazed by that little wick that created such a large flame, and how unpredictable it moved. amazing.

i wonder if i'll always feel like a little girl or if i'll eventually begin thinking of myself as a matured woman. i want that, and don't at the same time.

right now i'm duking it out all fisty cuffs with nature. it's a battle of wills. how hot will it get before i crack and dig out the fan. i don't like air-conditioning, i think it's gross. i like fans but after my first summer here, i received an obscene hydro bill from using fans, so i put the kibosh on that. since then i see how long i can last until it's unbearable, i try to come up with other coping mechanisms. i like a challenge. PLUS i love the heat, so i'm not about to complain. it's uncomfortable, but more pleasant than the cold. i don't even like a cool breeze, hence the reason i prefer the heat. that and it gives me an excuse to dress scandalously around the house.

sometimes i want to yell things from roof tops. i have this romantic notion that everything would be so much better if i could holler secrets from high places.

i've been living in silence lately. my usual self always has music playing. always. except for the last week or so, my house is silent. i like listening to the sounds of my home. it's calming, and oddly enough less time consuming.

i'm going to bed now. you are on a bus.

often i'm waiting on the one that maybe won't come.