unique

today i was over in the board room plotting the artwork for the walls, and it dawned on me... isn't it amusing that it's called a board room, because like really... it's just like "bored room".

i heard someone say today "you can't go around grief, you have to go thru it". unfortunately its true, grief is part of the experience. although, its like a badge of honour.

being on-time for work always puts me in a good mood. i had such an enjoyable day and for no particular reason. it was just a regular day, but i'm feeling mentally healthy. well-balance. free.

this afternoon i had a cookie with a cup of tea. i don't enjoy a mid-afternoon cookie without my orange pekoe. over christmas at joy's we were eating squares, but i waited for my tea to steep. joy asked me what i was waiting for and i explained i didn't want them separately. she rolled her eyes and said "you're your father's daughter". i didn't realize, but he's the exact same way. i'm always intrigued by the "nature-nurture" debate. my dad left home when i was 10, and don't fully remember what it was like living with him. i'm always blown away when people remark on how much i'm like him, because it's not from loads of quality time. i'm actually a lot like my mom too. joy and i are both equally like both parents, but we're the exact opposite parts. we're like two pie's that have been split and swapped or something. i don't know if that makes any sense. when i was at joy + tim's the other week, we were talking and tim said "you know, you two are more alike than you think", i told him "that makes sense, we're cut from the same cloth".

i'm intrigued by human nature. we all know that people lie, and yet it never occurs to us that people lie to us. its kind of annoying when you believe what a person says meanwhile they've deceived you. i wish people wouldn't lie. i wish i wouldn't lie. i suppose a good start is to not do things you have to cover up by lying. i feel kind of weird to admitting to lying on pspd, but everyone does it (or has at some point) and i'm no exception. if you say you don't... you're lying!

back in a time when my voice only traveled as far as i could shout.

alarm clock

i'm no longer a lady in waiting.

i should never underestimate my mother. she totally freaked me out calling me at work during my lunch and leaving a message on my voicemail saying she had "some news". she sounded excited. she reminded me of a teenager who just had to call her friend to "dish". what could it be!?! i wondered. as much as it drove me crazy, i do really delight in the fact that she's a typical girl and she's over-dramatic. i come by it honestly. it turns out she was calling to report back to me about something someone had read on pspd, and to tell me to be careful what i write. i assured her that i AM careful and that what i'd said could not be interpreted negatively. she was so excited about it. it was funny. i guess it was partly because she's never heard anyone talk about my blog before, except for me. she knows it exists, i guess it never occurred to her that people actually read it.

this evening i went out with meghan to the goat. well it wasn't so much as going out with her as much as meeting up with her but you know. it was really nice. i felt so relaxed and at ease and she made me laugh and laugh. i can't remember when i felt like that last and it was really good.

uh-oh meghan... the sneezing has started again....

you may have noticed that i changed my profile photo. its been almost a year since i changed it last. it was not a predetermined decision. i was perfectly content with the other one, but meghan convinced me it was time to change it. i wasn't going to say anything and instead see if anyone comments, but it brought up an interesting thought in my mind... i'm hesitant for change. is this because i'm afraid of change? no, i don't think i am. i've concluded, that the reason why i don't change things is because when i do something its because i like it. i NEVER rearrange my furniture and that's because when i layout a room i put a lot of thought into it and my final arrangement is what i think is the best set-up. if i order the same thing from a menu its because i like it, so logic tells me to order it again. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. frig, i live on a virtual emotional roller-coaster, i think i deserve little consistency somewhere.

don't question where you stand or where you fall.

aura

this evening i attended the banff mountain film festival with rhonda and co. it was great as usual. my favourite films were: the one about the two montrealers who biked thru mongolia, into china, passed thru nepal, went on into india and ended in calcutta; the one about the crazy potty-mouthed christian crack climber from switzerland; and the one about no-boarding. all in all it was super cool.

it got me thinking about a many things. today i paid off my first of three student loans thanks to the money my grandma left me. this has sparked a 3 year plan that concludes with me making my final payment (prematurely) on my 30th birthday. what's the connection to the film festival? well... it means the year 2010 will be completely open for me. i'll have no debt (all going well), so the film festival got me wondering... "what will i do next?" i don't know. but i have 3 years to figure that out AND 2 more annual film festivals to attend and be inspired by. i'm uber excited.

i dunno. i've kind of come to the conclusion that its not possible to miss your destiny. it always comes back around. if it was really meant to happen you'll get a second chance. as you know, i've lamented not being able to have big adventures because i only get 3 weeks vacation and spend the rest of the year in my 8x8 blue cube. but everything unfolds in due time, and i really haven't "missed my big chance".

maybe i'm more a product of my environment than i think i am. probably. i haven't a clue what i actually want. i'm starting to worry that my shyness will hold me back more than i want it to. perhaps i'm more a creature of familiarity than i want to be. how DO you become the person you want to be, when you're so ingrained already. meh. whatever. i don't want to load my mind with such thoughts when feeling so optimistic.

the festival was interesting. it felt like it brought out all of kingston's late 20's-early 30's population. never before have i seen so many people my age all together, it was nice to know there are plenty of us in this city. they DON'T all leave when they graduate.

hey check me out... i'm eating havarti.

sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

osap

i feel the complete satisfaction of not being a sell-out.

i saw her at the gas station. we looked at each other awkwardly. i hope that doesn't happen again. i'm telling ya, i've gotta stay out of the burbs, i never know WHO i might bump into there.

my friend called me today and we giggled that we are now 26 & 27. we're not much different to how we were when we were 14. time doesn't change ALL things. to quote my favourite movie "the only thing you have to be by the age of 27 is yourself". boo-yah! so true.

so i got things straightened out with bell. THANKFULLY! i'm so thankful. i'm glad that i called bell to dispute the charges, it was an honest mistake. plus, it was something i knew they'd fix for me. i worked at a call-centre, i know what things they'll budge on if you make enough of a stink. this is part of my whole new 'i'm gonna stand my own' pledge. this woman at work was really rude to me, and i didn't take it. i came to the realization that i am an adult AND a professional and i wasn't going to let her speak to me that way. what i say goes. PERIOD.

hahaha, i can't believe i said "boo-yah". sometimes i get carried away.

i woke up with this terrible crick in my neck today. it still aches! i need a good massage or something. its stiff something awful!

i always know when he's been by. he leaves a distinct scent of listerine. it could be worse so i'm really not complaining.

sometimes i'm surprised by what i find in my fridge. i had NO idea i had a whole block of havarti cheese, nor did i know i had a block of butter! crazy times in the mcknight fridgidaire.

this evening is my only night this week in. so i'm going to enjoy it. i'm gonna watch "a beautiful mind", i have it on vhs. aha. i love that movie. i got thinking about it today, the part when he talks about not indulging certain appetites. that's something i'm trying to do too. there's power in knowing you control your impulses and not the other way around.

yesterday morning i discovered my scarf was gone. this immediately invoked feelings of panic. i'm extremely (and probably abnormally) attached to my scarf. to my relief, i'd left it at joy's and on the way home stopped by to pick it up. oh my goodness, i don't know what i would have done if i'd left it at the Y. i have a sneaking feeling that i'm destine to lose it. murphy's law or something.

so don't call me incomplete,
you're the freak.

sneaky

i felt sick in the night. it was different to my "i'm upset" kind of sick, its was a "i'm sick, i'm gonna barf!" feeling. i didn't want to be sick, i was looking forward to next and lunch with my family then living room in the evening. so i got up and had a shower, but before drying my hair i found myself barfing into my toilet. it was gross. coming out my nose and everything!! yuck. stupid nose ring... thankfully nothing got stuck on it or anything.

i rushed over the the church and let people know i was sick and may not make it to living room then got some ginger ale and came home. i watched "the full 10 yards". i like that movie. i think its weird that its only a one star rating. after that i fell asleep and dreamt that i... well i dreamt something crazy. lets just leave it at that :p

it feels weird being sick all alone.

well i'm feeling much improved so i'm going to join the living room crew at the church. i would have really missed them. i feel bad for the false alarm, but i wanted to give them fair warning just in case i couldn't go.

you were talk, talk, talkin' in circles all day,
when you get to the point make sure that i'm still awake, ok?

jungle

here we go...

last night i feel asleep at 7:00, woke-up at 12:44 and got into bed. i slept all night then got up at 9:30. it did me a world of good. i've been so exhausted and i think feeling tired was contributing to my depressed feeling.

i think its funny that there's a door on the front of my house that no one uses. it's practically a decoy because vacuum salesmen and the like always approach it while it's no one's front door.

since i was up so early i went out to the goat for breakfast. i wanted to finish my book, but i didn't. i thought "i'm on the last chapter, i'll be able to finish it in one sitting" but its like 50 pages long! one chapter!! so no, i didn't finish it, which is annoying because i'd like to move on to something else.

i've come to the conclusion that i'll always be confused.

i'm on this path of rediscovery. its pretty safe to assume that most people can tell i have a clear sense of myself. i'm sometimes OVERLY confident. however, i'm still plagued by "i feel stupid" or "i wish i was more like (blank)". so in a way, i'm on a journey of becoming the person i want to be. in my mind, i'm this bohemian person, but i'm not sure of my level of funk outwardly.

i was quite lonely at the goat today and stared off into space a lot. i just wanted someone i knew to come along and chat my ear off. i miss my friends who are faraway. and wonder about the hole left in my life. all in all i think i am mending, but am still quite wobbly emotionally and i wish my friends were here.

i'm going to see the bicycles with meghan next week. i hiked up princess street to buy my ticket at brian's record option. i must admit i've always disliked that store, its so messy and it overwhelms me. so i was extra pleasantly surprised by how friendly the man (who i assume is brian) was. i forgot to pick up my ticket to the banff film festival on the way back down so i'll have to swing by there on the way to the Y this afternoon.

well i'm off. until tomorrow i must say adieu.

i know i should go but i'll probably stay.
that's all you can do about some things.

procrastinate

i just got a whopping phone bill of 200 bux. this is not good since i'm already scrimping. apparently phone calls to cellphones in europe are 4 times more expensive to than to landlines. once i retracted my dropped jaw i felt myself getting on the banister of that spiral staircase. i didn't wanna do it, but still ended up curled up in a ball on my bed under a blanket. i'm not sure how i did it, but i managed to pick myself up again and changed out of my work clothes. now i'm feeling all funky and semi-alright. i think what it comes down to for me is mind over matter. that combined with my fighter-instinct to not let anything get the better of me.

i suck at cleaning my windshield with a squeegee. seriously, i'm the only person i know who can make her windshield MORE dirty by trying to clean it. its gross.

i can't believe its friday tomorrow. i'm in denial or something. that really crept up on me.

i love to laugh. i'm often amazed by the connection between my soul and body. my old housemate bonnie used to make me laugh so much that it made my face hurt. it wasn't so much her sense of humour, she's just so expressive and casual. i dunno, she's just bonnie. anyway, i'm astounded by the fact that i can smile uncontrollably. or become anxious to the point of butterflies before my heart even pieces together problem. perhaps my head is always the last to know.

well take what you want from me.
you deserve it all.

oslo

i'm a stubborn person. and i really don't like being told what i should feel or think. i'm also NOT your average girl who likes frilly clothes or baking. there's nothing wrong with those things, its just not me. i don't like it when people assume that i am or think that i should be. i won't be convinced. like i said i'm stubborn, i'm also passive-aggressive. if i'm told i should be a certain way i just become more resistant to it.

i like when my friends know my secrets. i really appreciate unspoken understandings.

in public school, we were required to do a speech as part of learning "public speaking" from grade 3 and up. when i was 11, my best friend jessica, did her speech about me. her speech was voted best in the class, then she moved on to present it before the whole school in the gym. i'd forgotten about this until today, i wish i could remember what she said. i considered the people in the book i'm reading and i wondered how someone would describe me. somethings that i would overlook and consider unimportant, may really stand-out to someone else. its intriguing. what aspects of my life would be noteworthy when re-telling my story??

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

summit

thankfully, i woke up feeling really good today. i felt peaceful.

i was busy most of the work day and they gave us a pizza lunch.

on the way home i stopped at april's and had my haircut then we went to the copper penny for dinner. you know... the one in the township. we split a burger and fries. it was all we needed and only cost us like 4 bux each.

with all that being said.... i've come to a conclusion. i LOVE being 27. i feel like a teenager on the brink of something exciting. i've been doing a lot of thinking and i've come up with some goals to be accomplished in my 30s. thirty is the new twenty. except i won't have to go to college or pay off my osap. i'll have loads of experience as a designer and the bombardier name to boot! its good. i have lots to look forward to.

i'm also dedicated to being single. i am lesley: friend to all, lover to none. i'm ok with this. i really am. i don't want it on my epitaph, but its good for now. this is my goal for now. to pursue singleness. to grow deep roots of faith. i'm still just a baby. just a sapling.

i'm gonna stand my own.

this could be the very minute i'm aware i'm alive.

nalgene

i had sad eyes today. there's no denying it.

but you know what? inspite the fact that i woke-up feeling miserable and really down, i had a number of good experiences! let me share them with you...

one) had a really good conversation with garry on the phone. there were a couple things from that discussion that stuck in my head. he told me that thankfulness combats depression, so i'm making a mental effort to be more aware of the things i'm thankful for. he also suggested i talk to rachel, which was very ironic since i already had plans to meet up with her this evening!

two) my wallet did NOT get stolen

three) i went out with rachel to sipps. my place has been SUCH A DUMP, but i knew that i would really benefit from spending time with rach instead of staying home, and i'm really glad i went. i've really appreciated the fact that everyone has been really loving and yet they respect the fact that i don't want to discuss the details. anyway, listening to rachel really resonated in my heart. i feel affirmed and like i'm not the only one feeling this way (or has ever felt this way).

four) i got the pile of clothes on my floor folded and put away. i picked up the pile of newspapers and the drop-sheet off the floor in the pink room, and screwed my first complete chair back together. for those of you following along at home, i sanded and re-varnished the wood with a darker stain, and re-upholstered the seat. its no "extreme make-over: chair edition", but its a fresh look.

i will never cease to be amazed by the dual-state of my heart. i feel both encouraged and deflated. i'm both rejoicing and mourning. i'm mended while still leaking.

in my weakness He is strong.

anyway, i want to get a good night's rest so i'm going to head to bed. thanks for being a sparkle in my day... all of you. love ya ;)

i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

reflect

oh my goodness... why is there a dog downstairs!?!? there's a frickin' dog barking in my house.

i've had a good day. it was really nice. it was lovely.

brandon gave me a cell phone today. i've got me my own handy! yay! thanks again brandon!!! it was a hand-me-down from cynthia. its really nice. and snazzy. its a blue flip phone :D my phone number is sooo easy too!!! AND its got four 8's in it. if i was asian that would be VERY good!! heck who cares that i'm not asian, i'll still consider it lucky ;)

this afternoon i went to the goat and when i was there for only about 10 minutes someone came in and i felt a cold hand on my back. i thought to myself "hm, i sure hope i know that person" it was melissa. what a pleasant surprise. we sat and chatted while i ate my house salad, which i must say i quite like although i find strange that i got since i'm allergic to nuts and don't like those rubbery apples, still there's no denying its a good salad. when we were done our tea we walked over to geneva house for this open house event they were having. i ended up having a really interesting conversation with ann about next and left feeling i'd just had a date with destiny. i don't know about you, but occassionally there are events that i immediately identify as significant. that was one of those times.

living room 2007 started up tonight. it was a really great group and i had a fun time. discussion was very complex and i liked that everyone was expressing a different opinion and perspective. it was cool. i'm so glad we got together.

i like songs about drifters – books about the same.
they both seem to make me feel a little less insane.

hippo

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. a lot of observing. a lot of trying to get myself sorted out. i've been feeling lost. i suppose in a way i'm in transition. i think i know a little where i want to go, but do i have the ability to go that route? am i strong enough?

i concluded today that i'm a part of a misfit generation. we're a group of people who don't exactly know what we're doing. and for some reason recognizing that was consoling. i was reminded twice today that its the journey not the destination that matters. i need to de-program myself of notions of what's a full and complete existence.

i find it funny that modest mouse is the soundtrack of my life currently. i like it because the lyrics are so "everything is crappy and i haven't a clue what i'm doing" combined with dancy music. its so suitable – its uplifting and yet frustrated :)

i'm thinking that maybe, JUST maybe, i'm out of my reading funk. i'm finally getting into my book. actually, i think when i'm done here i'm going to get into bed a read all cozy like. joy & tim were saying tonight that i read "artsy books". i found that puzzling. what's a artsy book? i wondered. as i sat in the goat today, i got thinking i'd like to write a book. i quickly disregarded that, but it was a neat thought for a split second.

frig, my place is a mess right now. eek. i like having it tidy, but i'm sucky at maintaining it. i think the tidiness of my house often reflects the tidiness of my mind. actually, that makes a lot of sense.

i think sometimes its hard to get a clear picture of who i am because i'm inside looking out. don't get me wrong, i have a fairly good sense of my identity, i just wish i could see myself. sometimes its easier to see the track someone else is on more clearly than your own.

don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.

fog

i've decided to put my whoas behind me. its time to focus on the bright-side of life. i won't ignore my troubles, and unfortunately, its unlikely for me to forget, but i'd rather not keep a record of these events. time to pull up my sox and forge ahead.

i spend a very enjoyable time with the butler clan this evening. i joined them for dinner, a trip to canadian tire and a movie. as we walked thru jumbo, i pointed to "my super ex-girlfriend" and said "i'd kind of like to see that". so that's what we got, and bob didn't let me hear the end of it. but really... he should thank me seeing as its his "favourite" movie. i especially liked the part with the shark.

hey... did anyone other than bob read my deleted entry??????? if you did... hush up :p

anyway, work went alright today. a little quiet but we had a taco lunch in honor of marilyn's birthday. this man terry walked by and wish her a happy birthday. he told us "this is kind of an anniversary for me too. yesterday was my 26 anniversary with bombardier". being a bit of a smart-ass i told him "i just turned 27". later he said to me at the coffee station "27 huh? do you know how old that makes me feel?" i told him "do you know how old that makes ME feel??" he later said "its the best time of your life". hm. interesting thought. i found that kind of ironic.

i'm feeling pretty good. i'm feeling better. i'm glad. i threw together a standard today, and made a few alterations to some work i did in kijabe. i like getting things done. i don't like leaving things looming over my head.

i'm an strange concoction. i will never cease to be amazed by my undiscovered abilities.

you don't know where and you don't know when.
but you still got your words and you got your friends.

late for work

if life's not beautiful without the pain,
well i'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
as life gets longer, awful feels softer,
and its feelings pretty soft to me.
and if it takes shit to make bliss,
well i feel pretty blissfully.

perforated

man, i wish i knew where my zooropa cd was. i'm craving one of the songs.

its been a bit of a rough day. but i'm encouraged that i'm on the road to recovery. sometimes good things comes in painful packages. this afternoon i sat in melissa's kitchen talking about my life, telling her stories that long sat on a shelf, things i hadn't thought of for years. it was kind of fun, i should never listen to myself when i start thinking my life is boring. it hasn't been.

i also got thinking about how crappy things always happen in january. i talked about this last january, perhaps february, when realizing i'd gotten thru the first month of the year without heart ache. for the previous 5 january's something bad would happen. i won't dwell on it. its just an interesting obversation. coincidence.

i'm thankful for good friends. for poetic gardeners. for gravol. for big sisters. for sick days. for overprotective bosses. humanoid cats. friendly faces. endurance. the maxi pad. my imac. avonlea. free-will. tenacity. good health. wind chimes. jeans day. and unexpected endings.

when peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
what ever my lot you have taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul

closure

i haven't much to say.
i've said all i need to say to who i need to say it.
ah, its going to be ok.

oh i do believe,
in all the things you say.
what comes is better than what came before.

pipe

i've been thinking a lot lately about how who we spend time with effects how we feel. then tonight when i was hanging around with irina she mentioned "emotional resonance". that's basically the same thing i'd been thinking about. when we spend time with happy and stable people we become more stable & well-adjusted. likewise, when we spend time with depressed or screwed up people, we emulate those qualities. its so mind blowing. i like connecting the dots.

i had a really good time with irina tonight. she's both emotional and logical at the same time. its a good combo. actually i can see myself being that way too. emotional in my own life but logical about other people.

today was a rough day. i can't tell if my cube is to blame or not. sometimes boredom makes people do stupid things. can i get a "uh-huh"??

sometimes i try
i try reaching out to you
the nights are long and so confused
but its so very hard to do
so very hard to do

fade

sometimes a girl is just tired.


this evening i really wanted to get some stuff accomplished, but you know what? i was just too tired. i wonder why i feel guilty for that. there's nothing wrong with lying around for an evening and watching mindless t.v. argh, i wish i wasn't such a doer sometimes. i like accomplishing things too much. i figure, i should take it easy and rest up instead of getting burnt out because i didn't bum-out. this evening i was in the kitchen and slid down onto the floor and just sat there staring into space for a while. i think i'll go to bed soon. maybe even leave my dishes until tomorrow morning.

i haven't been sleeping well lately. my mind has been quite active. perhaps that's contributing to my tiredness. oh crap, i wish i'd gotten around to rinsing the gasoline off my beloved boots. ugh, that can't be good for them. but i'm too exhausted right now.

i should go... i'm falling.... asleep.... as i ...zzzzzzzzz........

where do i stand on the rock or in the sand?

walnut

i had sunday lunch with my family today. it was a nice time. before we ate dessert i was helping joelle in the bathroom, when i came back i found a carrot sticking out of my cake covered in cool whip. hahaha. it was so funny. they're bums.

i've been having this problem lately where i keep screwing up my words when i speak. they're just coming out wrong. my dad has that problem, makes up random words all the time. knickers slurs too. tim says its because i'm thinking too fast. i hope that's all it is. i'm not the greatest singer, i'm not bad, but not awesome, but i've always prided myself in my ability to know all the words in songs. but even that is disappearing. i just can't speak straight. i'm tongue tied.

its true. i punked this photo from your blog.
i'm not ashamed to admit it.
oh the disco. the disco lemonade.

we're at the dawn of a new week. thinking back to last sunday, i had no idea what was going to happen. i wouldn't have been happy if i did. but really i'm glad. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. what can i say.

sometimes i forget that his grace is sufficient for me.

untangle

its interesting how just hearing the beginning cords of a song can make a person cry. ok perhaps that doesn't happen to everyone, but it happens to me.

i met up with the girls for lunch today at the copper penny. i was so glad because i invited catherine along and i'm usually really crappy at blending friends so that was a big step for me. yay! after that, catherine and i went down to minotaur and played a game called "artifacts". whoa, it was a little tricky AND we did realize halfway thru we were kind of playing it wrong, but it was fun nonetheless. we also snuck in a quick game of boggle before heading to a matinee. i dreamt last night that i played boggle which is weird because i'd never played it before, but its kind of like flipwords. i got 2 points. right on.

yes, as i mentioned we went to a matinee at the screening room and saw "shut-up and sing" the dixie chicks documentary. it was good. it was different than i expected but i liked it. i'm totally into the documentaries lately. i went to the goat to read afterwards and realized the lady at the screening room had short-changed me 5 bux. argh!!

i started varnishing my first chair tonight. to my dismay, fru has already damaged the fabric. ARGH that cat! i chose a darker stain to match the fabric. i really like it, it looks very sophisticated :p it's taking FOREVER to dry! i remember that about the last time i stained something. i hate that. i want it to dry fast so i can reassemble them. oh well i guess this can be another way to practise patience, i've discovered if you rush the drying process it produces a bad outcome. its like nail polish, eventhough it feels dry, it isn't ACTUALLY dry for a little while. nice comparision huh? i'm such a girl :p

so did you hear about the meds for obese dogs? what has the world come to?!?!

will someone PLEASE come over and fold my laundry. i have a problem.

tune my heart to sing thy grace.

puke

i BADLY needed to do laundry so i went to melissa's and as i waited we watched anne of green gables. it did my heart good. it laughed so much and was quite touched by the gentleness of matthew.

i feel on the mend although i know i have a long way to go. i'm afraid to get too confident that it'll be ok because whenever that happens i end up with a rake in the face.

today was gasing up at a gas station, just looking about, minding my own business when i found the lady in the car ahead of looking at me. i looked back at her. then she called out to me "you're spilling gas everywhere!!" OOPS! i looked down to see gas pouring out from my car as it overflowed. whoopsy. i don't think it was my fault though, i think the pump must be broken. still i felt kind of dumb. hahaha, i can picture it now. my pants and beloved boots got COVERED in gasoline. i was potentially flamable. i have a feeling that even after washing my pants they still smell.

today i imagined everything in life laid out before me on a table. i asked myself... if you were to pick each item, what order would you pick them in. i was quite surprised by what i selected. surprised in a good way. i discovered that i've already got what i desire most. i can't honestly say i don't want what i haven't got, but i do know i want what i have more than anything else. i've been doing a lot of soul searching and hope to continue to. my mom says it doesn't take long for me to get over things, i'm not sure how true that is, there are some exceptions. i'm hoping for the best.

teach me some melodious sonnet
sung by flaming tongues above.

ebenezer

i want to be in bed in the next 15 possibly 20 minutes. i slept so well last night, aside from a few confused moments waking up not quite knowing where i was or what day of the week it was. i woke up still thinking i was on holiday :( i celebrated when i woke up and thought "what day is this?" because almost EVERY time i think that its a thursday. except for the last couple times and it threw me for a loop. so its good to know all is right in the universe.

i just got home from the lovells. i mooched food off of them. well i had an open invitation so i feel justified. anyway, i had a really great talk with rhonda tonight. we're kind of on the same wave length, in different ways but can really relate to how the other one is feeling. i suppose in a sense we're both starting journeys of discovery. just when i thought i had my interworkings figured out i spring a leak. hm. that's ok. i don't mind being a fixer-upper.

i hate feeling like a cliché, but there's a reason why things happen the way they do. one event begats another. certain things aren't actually "statistics", they're just how things happen.

its amazing how quickly things can change. i guess good things can happen in the blink of an eye too but i just always think only crappy things happen without warning.

i can't complain. actually, i don't want to. this is just a page in one chapter. someone please... flip the page QUICK... haha. just kidding.

phone calls to big sisters make everything ok.

here’s my heart Lord take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

time

kleenexs are strewn throughout my apartment as i am on a crying marathon.

as i walk on through the garden, i am hoping i don't miss you.

staple gun

i really like my hair today. it's three different colours! my natural dark brown, the ends are kind of a marigold orange and the front is purple. its an interesting effect.

today was my first day of work in 2007. it was alright. i was quite alert which is odd considering i only got about 4 hours of sleep. the day went fast actually. at one point i emailed melinda and said "i wish i wasn't in my cube. or that i was in my cube and nothing else was in my mind". that would make my life so much easier. i've concluded that left to my own devices i go perfectly insane. its like i'm a piece of wire that twists itself into a coil when there's nothing else to do.

today was also my first day at the Y in 2007. isn't this neat? me describing every first of 2007!?!? anyway, it was as annoyingly crowded as i expected. although, it was bearable because i took advantage of the warm weather and went walking on my lunch. had a fairly brisk half-hour walk. not bad.

this evening (on the first tuesday of 2007) i re-upholstered one kitchen chair. it looks lovely. i hope to do another, if not all of the remaining 3, tomorrow night. i'll buy some varnish and sand them down on the weekend. yay!

melissa stopped by and we had a nice visit. she helped me eat up the rest of the christmas log cake that i bought for the living room christmas party. i bought two and the second one wasn't touched. i keep thinking to myself "you should just throw that out so you don't eat it all yourself". but i'm glad i didn't. i guiltily enjoyed it.

i've got all my life to live.
i've got all my love to give.
i will survive.

cheers

i didn't get out of bed until 1:30 today. ah nice. this is partly because i was up late ringing in the new year, but also because of my middle-of-the-night escapades in the rain.

i just watched supersize me. i'd never seen it before. it was very very good. i really like these new modern documentaries. they're so effective, and i'm thankful for what i learn from them.

i spent the day cleaning my house. gave it a good scrub. it was satisfying.

oh what did i do for new year's eve?? well, i went to rhonda's where we had a mighty-fine potluck with her, isaac and kathryn (who if you don't remember is our friend who moved to dryden last january), then we went down to city hall for the fireworks. did i say we went to city hall? i meant ran to coffee & company because they started when we were only half-way to city hall and we only made it to coffee & company and that's where we gave up. they were nice though. i had a nap when we returned to their place, then at midnight we adorned party hats and drank champagnade. that's no typo. it was peach champagnADE. right on :p

what did YOU do?

i'd say this has been a decent start to 2007.
i hope i keep all my marbles.

i want to wake up and know where i'm going.
say i'm ready. i'm ready.

miles from home

i just saw beckie off to montreal at the train station. it was bittersweet. i enjoyed good/girly conversation up to the last minute. i'm going to miss her loads.

i'm not one for new year's resolutions... wait, no i don't want to put myself in a box. i've never set a new year's resolution before, but today i thought to myself "i would like to be on-time for church for now on". so i suppose that means in the new year. i also want to be increasingly conscious of not being wasteful. this will also involve being more creative with my eating. i can eat cleverly, it'll just require more thought.

anyway, let me get to the main point of this entry. i've been looking forward to this for the last month. a time to reflect on 2006. the highs and lows. the surprises and changes. i want to lay it all out, so i can look at it and realize "HEY! this was a good year." i think more happened than i thought. for my ownsake... here's my year in a nutshell:

• had my first business trip
• went to pittsburgh (ok those two are the same event, but significant for 2 different reasons)
• got my nose pierced
• mayelin had her baby!
• went to nyc with the girls
• got my nose pierced AGAIN!
• reached my goal weight
• said good-bye to pirates cove
• said hello to the maxi-pad
• april & mayelin left bombardier
• went to ottawa with the lovells
• spent the summer with vincent the crazy frenchman
• went on a road trip to an anti-conference with garry & brandon
• made the sleepless goat my favourite hangout place
• saw several friends move to crazy far-off places
• started a new season of living room
• discovered a taste for video editing
• went camping with my whole family (my dad included)
• got a promotion (now an intermediate graphic designer)
• made some good friends
• lost one of my best friends
• went to KENYA
• got new glasses
• had my heart crushed repeatedly by the same crush
• attended my first tradeshow in toronto
• experienced a new era at next with the inception of rustle
• my grandma died

this HAS been a good year for me. perhaps i should stop looking back on each year to see what's changed and instead looked back to see all that i've accomplished. this year i learned a lot. sometimes it hurt, sometimes it stung. but i would have to say i discovered what was truly important to me and what things i'm willing to be patient for. i'm convinced more than ever everything happens at the right time and while we wait we need to be enjoying what we have. i'm hoping 2007 will bring with it the resolution of unresolved issues and the return of my far off friends. i lonesome for my kindred-spirit wearing doc martins.

i'm excited more than i thought i could be.
2007: the year of non-change but loads of adventures.
just waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting me.

a long december and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

victorian

what to say? what... to... say...

i spent a lovely day with beckie. i was thinking out nice it is to spend the whole day with a friend. it was very enjoyable and relaxing. we had some very interesting conversations to say the least.

i am a 27-year-old woman who wears idiot strings on her mitts, or "forget me knots" as modern primative calls them.

i have this phobia about calendars. well not so much a phobia but a complex or irrational weirdness. basically this involves me not liking to mark peoples birthdays on it in advance. this is the result of writing in peoples names then experiencing a falling out with them and then having to see their names displayed. it feels like my calendar is mocking me.

well the snow has arrived. i wonder if it will stay. as much as i hate the cold, i know its best for the world's health that it reach appropriate lows. i'd forgotten how awful it is to be cold. i knew i hated it, but really forgot what it was like to experience it. thankfully i recoginize that it won't last forever, so i'll try to focus on that. i much prefer the hot & humid weather.

the necklace that i've been wearing for over 10 years broke yesterday. that's amazingly ironic since buddy pointed out just the other day that i've been wearing it forever. anyway, i noticed it lying on my bag yesterday at the goat. i was SO relieved to realize it had fallen off and that it didn't just break while i walked down princess street. so i went out today and bought a new chain for it. i think i like the chain, it was more the pendant that was significant to me. its a dove and it belonged to my mom ages ago. i'd guess its at least 40 years old. the new chain is extremely shiney and it will take some getting used to. i'm hoping it will tarnish extremely fast. in the meantime, i hope its not distractly sparkly. it makes me feel like i'm trying too hard.

so many goldfish to feed.

rank

i actually had a lot to say yesterday but i was so tired and i didn't want to just write an entry out of obligation.

speaking of obligation, i had to help my dad move today. he's been working very hard, making loads of trips but was so tired that he felt like crying. i felt really badly for him so i told him to have a lie down and i would go to the store and get him some drapes and whatnot. before arriving at his place i had such a rotten attitude. i just wanted to bum out and have a relaxing holiday day, but i knew the right thing to do was to help him. i thought "when i look back, what will be more important that i bummed out or that i was there for my dad when he needed my help?" in the past, i've often made the wrong decision – going for what i wanted at the moment then later regretted my choice. well anyway, in the end we made a lot of progress and its looking good. for the first time in my life i felt i was taking care of him. i was a good daughter today.

thankfully i still got the chance to hang out with beckie and melissa this evening.

so i bought some new wooden hoops at modern primative the other day. and the gave me ear infections. it totally sucks. i peroxided my ears and the sticks so i hope that helps because i really like them and want to keep wearing them. i find it interesting looking in the mirror and seeing this girl looking back. i'm becoming increasingly girly. i like being a woman.

i've concluded that what i don't know might upset me, so its better that i don't know. this is a adaptation to the known saying "what they don't know can't hurt them". i remember my mom saying she'd never read my journal because she wouldn't want to read something private. i love that she respects my privacy that way. not all parents are like that. i can understand her logic. because sometimes things just upset us for no good reason, its not worth it if it doesn't better a situation.

tell me... why do we turn down the volume when we need to smell something?

ok well i think i'll go eat some cheese and watch some late night tv, just because i can ;)

you can't stay mad at the setting sun.

vulcan

ok... who is the person who keeps searching for my blog by its full name via google?? its showing up as edmonton but that doesn't necessarily mean they're in alberta. its someone who's using telus. hmmmm???

anyway, i had a lovely day. i got together with buddy and jess for lunch then we strolled the streets of k-town. i got some big hoop wooden earrings. i'd been wanting to get some for a little while, but today, on my WALK downtown i realized my ears were naked, so it was a good excuse. oh, and yes, i walked! the downside of that is i needed beckie to give me a drive home since i spend the evening with her & melissa and i don't like to walk in the dark.

i got thinking today that it would be neat to ask people to write in a book where they think they'll be in ten years, then pull it out again in 2016 and see how close the guesses were. melissa, beckie and i sat around this evening trying to guess how our lives will have changed in one years time. i have to say, i expect pretty much everything to be exactly the same. i can't even begin to imagine what exciting things might happen. when it comes down to it, its all up to me, what ever adventures i have are up to me, but for once in my life i seem to lack the ability to dream big. i'm really going to have to seriously consider... what are my hearts desires?

i think i prefer things that suprise me. things that i look back on and think "and imagine... a year ago, i had no idea this was going to happen!".

life is weird. that's all i really know for sure.

you know... buddy and i established today that only one of our friends from highschool has kids and she's a mormon so that sort of explains that. a lot of them are married or in serious relationships, but no babies. i kind of like that. it just feels that inspite of everything, not THAT much has changed. i had a really fun time hanging out with you and jess today! hope you enjoy the rest of your visit :D

i should go to bed. i'm spending the day with little man lovell tomorrow.

we've all had a bumpy ride.

doolittle

its amazing.... oh, back plot then i'll get back to this...

we watched "the last kiss" tonight at rhonda's. it was so nice just hangin' out as a group of friends. i'd have to say it's the most anti-romance i've ever seen. i've never seen a movie that made me more apprehensive towards relationships. anyway...

its amazing because it talked about how it doesn't matter if you say you love someone, or even if you feel like you love them. its how you treat them that really matters. its the true indicator of your feelings. i've been thinking about that lot lately. i don't want to be told hollow words. i don't want to hear fleeting feelings. words mean nothing. i'm not cynical. i'm open-eyed.

holy crap, i've also never seen a movie with such explict sexual content. holy crap!

well anyway... i had a really nice and lovely christmas. it was very nice. i love my family. being away has made fru SLIGHTLY insane, i hope he returns to normal asap.

sometimes i feel we need a road map to decipher what's going on. some kind of legend to explain the minds of men.

it feels complete once i've told you.

i ain't nothing but a dream.

excelsis deo

well its christmas eve and its 5º C. weird.

i enjoyed a great gathering at next this morning. i belted out those christmas carols with vigor. i'm all about the birth of christ. i appreciated that garry spoke truth, that christmas is not magical time of year. and the fact that there's so much pressure for people to be happy makes everyone misrable. there are so many people who are isolated and unable to be with their families. and so many other people who are with their families and wish they could be just about anywhere else. down with preconceived notions! out with the artificial!!

i was just preparing joelle's tickle trunk. i vacuumed it out, then hammered off the fixtures. i didn't want there to be any possibilities for her or her little friends to get locked inside.

twice today i had instances where i wish i had a cell phone. i think i'm going to cave and get one. but i refuse to be one of those people who talks on a cell phone instead of the people their with. melinda calls hers a "handy", i find that very clever for several reasons. i'll call mine a handy too.

i've decided in light of the extremely warm weather, that i am going to walk more often. yes, this will take more time, but i'll have to get used to it. i'm WAY to accustomed to having things instantly. being places instantly. and really, life is not actually like that. and by creating a instant society we are slowly killing our planet. i've owned a car since i was 19 years old, i think that's probably why i walk less of anyone i know. i've never had to. oh, and plus, when i was 11 i got totally paranoid that i was going to be kidnapped, so i still don't like walking alone at night. i'll probably continue to drive if it involves me walking home alone at night. i don't mind so much in the summer, but in the winter its scary AND cold.

i should probably pack because i'm leaving for joy's in a half-hour and will be staying over night til boxing day.

till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

fruton

i've had a nice start to my holiday. i had a good day. hung-out with my dad for a bit this afternoon. worked on the standard. went skating in market square this evening. fun fun fun.

i realized yesterday, i am the only person in my family with a full-time job. oh how the tables have turned :p

tonight i got completely paranoid as i left for the evening that my house was going to burn down. sometimes i get these crazy notions in my head and they naw at me. it all started because i left the light on in my room and my new red curtains created an orange glow. i don't claim to be a rational person.

this afternoon i found myself singing christmas carols in the shower. that is so strange since i NEVER sing in the shower and because i've been really bah-hum-buggy this christmas. however, i couldn't stop myself from belting out "joy to the world" and after i'd finished all the verses i could remember i just ab-libbed with blah-blahs and nah-nahs. i sure hope my neighbours weren't home, because they would have totally overheard my performance. it was quite amusing, even for just me.

i would have to say, melinda is the best maker of mixed tapes i have ever known.

what once was hurt,
what once was friction,
what left a mark,
no longer stings...
because grace makes beauty
out of ugly things.

safety pin

i was given the task of getting joelle some dress-up clothes for christmas. this evening i went to value village (per joy's instructed) and found her an assortment. the only thing i didn't manage to find that i know we loved as kids were some shoes or boots. although, i only got about 4 or 5 skirts/dresses, BECAUSE i came across a trunk. so i've bought her a "tickle trunk" like mr. dress-up. if any of you have some clothes you'd like to get rid of that you think a 3 year old and some little girl friends might enjoy, please be in touch :) i'm going to go thru the 2 bags of clothes i have stored at my mom's place.

i went to value village in search of some curtains for my dad, but came out with curtains for myself. they're really quite beautiful. they're for my bedroom and my utility space. they're red. i'm starting to wonder if i have too much red in my house. i used to always lean towards blues and greens, but i was trying to break that trend. i also really like how warm red is. the fabric i selected for my kitchen chairs are also a burgundy. see?? red. it has little retro flowers on it :D

if we have to manipulate something to get our own way, maybe we just shouldn't have it. mental note: if i start manipulating, time to stop.

well i'm officially on vacation. nice. although, i have a bunch to do tomorrow and i'm kicking myself for leaving the standard to the last minute. whoopsy. i should go to bed. its pretty late. i want to sleep in AND get lots done. good luck les :p

leave your things behind.

postcard

i managed to get the morning off work and went out for breakfast with beckie. this isn't usually an option, but they'd still not paid me for my overtime, so i took the time off instead. it was really nice and relaxing. it felt like a saturday, so i'm all disoriented and keep forgetting i have to go to work tomorrow.

tonight a group of us were going to go to the grad club for this salvation army benefit show, but it was sold out. so instead we went to the brew pub then later retired to the forbes' to watch "a christmas story". i'd never seen it before, but it always reminds me of jay ;) it was pretty amusing, i can understand why its a cult-classic.

ah, tomorrow is my last day before my holidays. it should be a pretty busy day, i'm glad about that. i've concluded i prefer being busy. i stink at time management. i'm very deadline oriented, just as i'm goal oriented. you give me a deadline and i'll most likely meet it, i just can't stick to my own deadlines. time is not my friend.

i'm wearing some new earrings that beckie brought me from baffin island and the necklace laney got me in mexico and the belt/hair scarf sarah made me (i think she made it). heck, i'm also wearing the ring melinda bought me in italy. i'm very cosmopolitan today :) i like the weight of this necklace on my chest. i can't explain it, i just really do.

this is all i know.

black dog

my firefox just froze and i lost everything i'd written in my whole entry. i'm all pissed off about it, because i can't remember how i worded everything and it was such an easy entry, i was done in like 10 minutes. argh! in order to get sweet revenge on firefox i'll persevere.

beckie has arrived back from the artic and i just spend a lovely evening with her and melissa. i can't express how nice it was to be with them, it did my heart good. i've missed beckie a lot, but its funny... i was telling dave ferrence this afternoon that she was arriving home, and that it would feel like she never left. its true too, we talk every day on msn, we email most days, and of course we read each others blogs. so we're pretty up-to-speed on each others lives.

some people shave off their beards and sit around in coffee shops.

i bumped into tim at the grocery store. it struck me as unusual how we could just pick up our conversation as naturally as if we were in my mom's living room. he was scowering the aisles in search of cornstarch. when i lived on pine street, we had FOUR boxes of cornstarch, so the concept of buying constarch is very foreign to me. seriously, the day i need to buy another box of cornstarch is the day i... buy box of cornstarch. hm, i sure wish i'd been able to come up with a clever or witty way of finishing that sentence. anyway, i helped him locate it then we went on our merry ways. once i picked up my items i was surprised to see he was still in the store, waiting in line at the other end of the row of tills. after i paid and was heading to the door, i noticed he was STILL there. so in typical youngest sister form i called out to him "hey tim! i'm done before you!" then left laughing at him. hahaha.

when i was in highschool, my friend mandy and i had a number of games to keep us entertained. "backwards day" "perpendicular line day" "the eye-contact game". the eye-contact game involved us seeing how many times in one day we could get eye-contact with the guy we liked (to clarify not the same guy, we both liked a different guy). this was challenging and bold. it was actually quite difficult. i think we underestimate the significance of eye-contact. think about it. at least i do. its a power thing.

but you know i'm not such a bad seed.

nuts

melinda reminded me tonight not to take everything so personally. she has a good point. when you combine that with my ability to twist people's words its a bad scene.

my letter of rejection hasn't arrived yet.

i stopped by the forbes' earlier and al showed up when i was there. which was so ironic since i was just saying today that i hoped to see him soon. i miss that crazy guy.

yesterday when i was at the Y, i was lying on the bench in the changing room (which is against my rules because i've seen naked ladies sit on those things), i'd not yet changed into my gym clothes. i had my arm over my eyes. just thinking. i was feeling kind of crappy, just needed a moment. the changing room started to fill up with a group of ladies who'd just finished a spin class so i sat up. one of the ladies said to me "are you alright? do you need me to get a..." i assured her i was fine. i was surprised that she'd approached me. can't a person just have a moment?? on the other hand, it was very thoughtful of her. i could have been ill. well i was KINDA ill. mentally ill. hahaha. not really, but we all have those days.

i remember teaching this girl sarah to drive stick. i've taught at least 3 people to drive standard. i'm a pretty good teacher, not too tense. with sarah, i remember specifically thinking "if there's a chance she will eventually get into an accident in my car, the more times she drives it the more likely it is that she'll crash". its like with each drive she got closer to the inevitable accident. i think i'm just thinking about this because i wonder if i'm pushing my luck. the past doesn't prove the future. at what point will i cross the line? am i nearing the last straw?

i'm feeling unusually tired. so i'm going to start getting ready for bed.

YAY BECKIE IS HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!! woo-hoo!

where are we?
what the hell is going on?

ornament

i am currently streaking my hair purple. actually, its more like a section or a stripe. i hope i like how it turns out.

this has been an emotional day. i hate crying at work. its embarrassing. my face doesn't hide the presence of tears very well. it gets puffy, red, blotchy and my eyes get glassy. oh well, on my second day as a 27 year old i'm reminded that i'm high-maintenance.

i feel like i'm preparing my "it was an honour just to be nominated" speech. i wish i was stoic and could hide how i feel. i think i'm about to be "let down gently", i'll be told "you're a really super girl... but...". oh well, that's what i get for not being able to contain myself.

well i just washed my hair and blew dry it. i think i like it. i'm glad i did it. i'm curious to see how it'll be in the morning light.

i guess that's all i have to say. i'm going to head for bed before the guillotine drops.

won't you come on down to the freak show?

honey

well there she is.

christmas 1981.
i like this pic, you can really clearly see my scar.

today i turned 27. it aches a little, but i'll survive. i think ANOTHER reason why this is a particularly difficult age to turn is because there were certain milestones i thought i'd reach by now. what i find most puzzling is that i wouldn't change a thing. so why does it still bother me?

so that's me. that picture. that's who i am. i'm just a little girl inside. i'm scarred and vulenerable. and a little clueless.

my dad called this morning to wish me a happy birthday. he said "its much milder today than the day you were born". its true. it was soo cold that night, and my dad forgot to plug in the car so it wouldn't start. they had to call some friends for a drive to the hospital in the middle of the night.

i had a nice day. i went to church then joined my family at the lonestar for lunch. rhonda and isaac came too. it was nice. my mom freaked me out a bit at first because she brought me a rose and a gift. i completely over-reacted and said "MOM GET THAT OUT OF HERE! I DON'T WANT THEM TO SING FOR ME!!" last year i got caught and they made me stand and where something on my head. i couldn't see it. but i didn't like it.

my mom gave me a copy of velvet elvis. i'd asked for it. a lot of people had offered to lend it to me, but i wanted my own copy. she'd called me all confused last week "i called the store, they said they only have it in book form, i thought it was a cd". i returned her call to say "IT IS A BOOK"! however, i did state for the record today that it IS true, that i've never asked for a book before and i'm not in the habit of reading non-fiction books.

this evening was the living room christmas party. it was nice. i had a really fun time. we had a good crowd, i'm glad everyone came.

there's a song by bran van 3000 that says "what the hell am i doing drinking in LA at 26". my thoughts were always "what the hell am i NOT doing drinking in LA at 26". so my plan was to go to california when i was 26 to go drinking. that didn't happen. but i feel ok about that. i went to kenya instead. and that's not too shabby.

all in all, my 26th year was a good one. i was telling catherine tonight that i almost feel due for a crappy year. i hope it doesn't actually work like that. if experience has taught me anything, its that things get better with time. so upwards and onwards.

after all you're young,
you're lethal and young.

clip board

its 11:26 on my birthday eve. i MUST be IN bed before midnight. i get weirded out if i witness it turning my birthday. i'm crazy and neurotic, adhering to that rule minimises my anxiety.

i've had a lovely day. i got up early and had melissa over for breakfast. heeheehee. it was nice. and simple too! i like her company. she's so sweet and... wholesome? she's a good influence on me. anyway, after that she went christmas shopping with me. we got a lot done and had a pleasant relaxing time too.

after we parted ways i went to the goat to have a pot of tea and a brownie while reading. to my disappointment, my brownie was kind of dry :( i'm reading "the lives of girls and women". oh! i finished my other book! first book i've finished since august. this is a thin book and i hope to complete it as well. i love the title. talk about something i can relate to. mine is a life of a woman and a girl.

when i got home, it was still quite early and i was feeling rather motivated so i addressed some packages to be sent overseas, took them to the post-office, then did some more xmas shopping. i feel good about this because i've been meaning to send those packages for 2 months now. but the best news of all??? i got my christmas shopping DONE!!! and then!!! get this... i WRAPPED EVERYTHING TOO!!! wow-wee. incredible. i have NEVER been so on the ball.

this evening i did a little babysitting at the olding's house. joelle & caleb are at such a great age where they're both kids (not babies) and yet are still pre-school. adorable. i won't talk in detail because i realize most people don't find other peoples kids as enchanting as their own. however, i will tell you that when i got to their house tonight joelle blurts out "lesley we maked you a cake!" joy just rolled her eyes because that was supposed to be a surprise. hahaha.

this is my last night being 26. thinking about it too much makes it hard to breathe. i don't really expect anyone to understand this, but i would like you to know its not a fear of aging as much as a fear of change. tomorrow i'll wake up and be well adjusted. at least that's what usually happens and i'm hoping for a repeat again this year. i'm sure i'll love being 27.

oh crap. it's 11:49. i've gotta go.

we can drive around with the top down.

crash

i love:
• leaving work early
• dancing in my bedroom
• random visits from friends
• emails from whatshisface
• birthday presents
• postcards
• good hairdays
• having a clean house
• lists
• being free from looming tasks
• internet snooping

have you ever thought about fear before? there are some fears that freak me out and make me want to run away from things that are good and valuable. there are other fears... things i'm afraid that i'll become or relive. so in a sense fear can both rob and motivation us. i'm afraid of growing into someone i don't want to be, but its my hope that because i fear it i will be able to avoid that. but also that i have friends and family who will keep me on the right track. i need to overcome my irrational fears. the fears that are spurred on by insecurity.

lately i've found it very difficult to enjoy "alone time". i used to crave time by myself, but somethings changed and i find myself at a loss when i have an evening alone. this bothers me. and as i sat here early evening feeling edgy and uncomfortable with the prospect of having no plans, i decided to make the most of it. play loud music. dance around. do some writing. do some drawing. watch a movie. do some knitting. call a friend. and you know what? i quite enjoyed myself. i need to give myself a kick in the ass more often.

why are our self-identities so easily lost? they shouldn't be something that is here one day and gone the next. i dunno. maybe its has something to do with the fact that we're constantly changing, but our conscious selves are slow in catching on.

well this concludes another entry. good night and good luck.

never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism.

uvula

i started off my morning extremely grumpy and cranky. and throughout the day i felt as though my dysfunction was leaking. the skeletons in my closet were trying to escape. some where between 4:30 and 6:30 i regained my sanity. and now i look back with rose coloured glasses and think "oh, what a lovely day". bizarre.

they gave us our annual christmas turkeys today. its a 20 lb turkey. the first year i thought to myself "what AM I going to do with a frozen turkey?!?!" but then i realized i'm a part of a family and we ate it for our christmas dinner. its a nice gesture really. last year joy and tim forgot to defrost it in advance so it had to soak in hot water all day. i teased them saying next year i'd remind them. but then i realized just last week... its MY blinkin' turkey! i should take responsibility for defrosting it! so that's what i'm going to do. amazing how we mature with age.

i have an uncanny ability to twist peoples words. its pretty terrible actually. and i usually know when i'm doing it but can't stop myself. i'm thankful for friends who talk me back into reality.

i'm thirsty and tired and still can't figure out if i have a cold or not. i'm just so tired. i was only semi-conscious for most of the day. aside from that i learned a lot today about geography and the human body. two complex and astounding organisms.

now i need to go to bed before i get so tired that i throw-up.

if you go there, go with me.

toxic

i've been feeling ill and tired most of the evening. i just realized i've been napping on the couch for the last hour so i might as well just go to bed.

i have a lot on my mind lately. i've been spending the last few weeks watching a loved one watching her loved one dying. everyone has been very kind and supportive to her, but i'm afraid people often miss the mark with their good intentions. so many people have told her "if you need anything don't hestitate to call". that is very kind, but it isn't good enough. people who are grieving, depressed or suicidal just don't have it in them to take that step, even when its been offered.

i've been feeling slightly clausterphobic lately. when i feel that my whole life is my cube i feel suffocated. this is my brain telling me "you've got to get out more". or at least have people in more. but then i feel tired all evening and just don't have any energy. maybe i really am sick. i suppose feeling that way triggers familar feelings of a time i don't want to return to. and that's why i get scared.

knickers told me to not let that rude lady get to me and not take it personally. but how can i not take it personally?!?! being a graphic designer is a part of who i am! i don't want to become calloused. i don't want to loose my passion for my work. and if that means getting my feelings hurt from time to time that's fine.

frank dislocated his shoulder this afternoon in his office. he came out to my cube holding his arm asking for my help. we managed to get it back in, then i put his arm in a sling. it made for an interesting 5 minutes.

its 8:45 and i'm going to finish drinking this neocitran then get into bed.

are you still growing wild
with everything tame around you?

something smells like peanut butter.
i don't know where its coming from.
i don't even have any.
it's mysterious.

forgot

what would you rather be doing right now?

i don't mean other than reading pspd, i mean instead of being at your computer. what do you wish you were doing right now if you had no restrictions. interesting.

i never cease to be amazed by the human race. obviously i'm the kind of person who overthinks and analyzes everything. i think deep thoughts and ask myself big questions. today i was astounded by a conversation with a co-worker here she said "its just not fair". i was mentally floored. how is it that she managed to get to her 40s and not realize issues of life and death are not about what's fair. when it all boils down to it, life is NOT fair and people don't always get what they deserve. the words of my mom still rings in my ears, whenever i'd complain as a kid about something not being fair she would say "nobody ever said life was going to be fair". that always shut me up, but perhaps it prepared me for life more than i thought it could.

at lunch i managed to clear a table of men just because i sat with them. normally i would be offended by this, but that was actually exactly what i wanted. they were sitting at my lunch table. i was prepared to share with them. i wasn't going to try to join their conversation, i was just going to read. but they still moved to another table. whatever, i feel powerful. repelling men has never been so convenient.

today i told a colleague that she hurt my feelings. this was probably unprofessional of me but her comments were inappropriate, so instead of getting angry i was honest. i kind of think that approach is better. i think i learned that from vinc'. i'm not sure if it was because english was his second language, but he was always "frank" with me. so i was always frank in return. there's a certain amount of freedom when you can just be honest with people (of course this does not mean crossing the line to being rude).

who's to say where the wind will take you?
who's to say what it is will break you?

courier

this has been a weird sort of evening. i had a pleasant day. got a number things done. felt relaxed. but upon leaving work, everything started going crappy. how annoying. here's a sampling of what my evening has been like.
• tires looked flat – ended up kneeling in a puddle in the dark to fill them up.
• left the kitchen while making soup – it boiled over simultaneously with my sink overflowing.

i need someone to christmas shop with. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME WITH ME?? does anyone want to join forces with me? because if i have to face those crowds alone again not only will i pull out my own hair, but also the hair of the sales clerks and my fellow shoppers. but this will be avoided if i have a comrade in arms, so don't be afraid of hair-loss.

life is like a choose your own adventure. we make certain decisions along the way that alter our path. the main difference is that there's no way of going back to see what would have happened if we'd chosen the other option. i remember crying in the kitchen with melinda the day he left, i said to her "he's gone and i'm never going to see him again". and yet unexpected circumstances brought him back into my life. who can figure these things. there's no way of knowing if i would've been right. i think in some ways its essential to our existence that we don't spend our lives lamenting the "what if"s. there's nothing we can do about it now. all we can do is reflect and take what we can from our decisions and trust that we made the best choice for that time.

i don't suppose it matters which way we go.

frogs & train wrecks

we never know what life events will pass away forgotten and which events will stick. we often guess and we're often wrong. like friendships we thought would last forever and events we thought would change our lives. i think its the unexpected that impact us the most. the people we meet in passing who turn into friends or lovers. events we never wanted to happen mould us the most. in light of this, should we become more open to the unwanted? embrace what we can't control?

you're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. with less of you there is more of God and his rule. you're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. only then can you be embraced by the one most dear to you. you're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. that's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. you're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. he's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. you're blessed when you care. at the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. you're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. then you can see God in the outside world. you're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. that's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

cowbell

well i'm home from my annual christmas party, which is really more of a banquet. it was fun. i got all dressed up swanky like. i wanted to wear my new romy boots, but concluded that my big tall brown boots would be more appropriate. they make me feel more like a lady, which always causes me to act like a lady. marilyn, frank and i had an agreement that we'd all be there just before six, but they were late and i sat there slugging back white wine wishing i'd brought my book.

i concluded i'm a bit of a strange person, i sat with the "grown-up" even though there are a lot more people my age than there once was, but i don't know any of them. i enjoyed sitting beside frank chatting it up over dinner, and talking to his wife rita – telling her about my trip to kenya. therefore i concluded that even though it may seem strange i'd prefer to sit with marilyn and frank, they are (after all) my co-workers.


marilyn's husband, santo, is this little italian man who reminds me of mario from the super mario brothers. i think its the bushy mustache. of course the office transvestite was there with the new girlfriend in tow. he/she looked quite lovely and really is a nice person. all things considered i actually find his/her girlfriend more sketchy than him/her.

i realized i'm not much of a mingler, at least not on my own. if i'm with friends, i quite like going around and chatting with people, but on my own i'm not a social butterfly. i sat there watching the people on the dance floor thinking to myself "i hope that some day i'll have a date for one of these things". i'm not much of a dancer either (i am at home, but not in public) but if i was with a date or a friend i would have liked to dance. i thought it was cute when rita got frank dancing, i didn't think i'd see the day. and felt little kid watching her parents as frank and marilyn danced together on the dance floor.

well i'm pretty tired, so i'm gonna head to bed. rita kept encouraging me to drink, so at the end of the night frank asked if i was ok to drive. i said "ya", but the fact that he asked made me wonder. so i was super careful driving home, and DID conclude if i were to get in an accident, that it would be caused simply by my regular driving and not the booze. however, it may be why i feel so drowsy.

just take a seat they're always free.

pepper

i'm so sleepy but i want to write my entry more. i'm THAT dedicated ;)

today in the mail i received a christmas card from joanna. included in it was a button for my bag, it has a rainbow and says "i choose peace". i LOVE it. it made my whole face smile.

i went shopping for something to wear to my work christmas party tomorrow night after work. i found nothing. however, i decided to stop by payless and see if they have any boots. i've been needing boots for several years. what i've been wanting is a pair of skater shoes that are boots and that's EXACTLY what i found. my "romy" airwalks. they're awesome, comfy and warm!! i totally love them! i've been wearing them nonstop all evening. they're so comfortable and cozy. they boast "designed to keep feet dry and warm in sub-zero temperatures", when i first saw the label i thought it said "-40º" and thought "super!" but when i got home i noticed that it said "-4º" which is not nearly as impressive. but thankfully i thought to double check when i got home tonight at its -4ºF which is -20ºC which is MUCH better. and to top it all off they were on sale. yay! i discovered today that -40º is where fahrenheit and celsius cross-over. interesting huh?

i went to the screening room with new girl catherine (i like that i call her new girl catherine, i hope she's not offended by this, it helps differentiate between her and other catherines. i know 4). we saw "the queen" it was interesting. i felt it made her majesty seem more human and less human at the same time. the she came over for some "silver tea", i'm excited because i want to have guests over more often.

so i never did find anything to wear to the christmas party. i decided i'd just wear the same thing as last year. who's gonna notice. i've only worn it twice and it seems silly to spend money on something i'll only wear once. the only problem is i wanted to wear the necklace laney gave me but it won't match. i've gotta try it on in advance and make sure it still fits properly, i presume it will, but its smart to check, then i'll still have some time to check in a boutique downtown. hahaha, i said boutique. haha.

you'll have to learn,
just like me,
and that's the hardest way.

up

i finally got a long distance plan this is good. now i can call beckie on baffin island. i can call melinda in austria for 9 cents/min, vinc' in france for 5 cents/min, and my auntie carol – who kept mistaking my answering machine with me – in the UK for 4 cents/min. nice. i tried calling vinc' yesterday on what i THOUGHT was his cell phone but it turned out to be his home phone and had the misfortune of having his mom answer. i can't speak french and her english is not so good. it was confusing and i felt bad because at least i was prepared but she just picked up the phone to find some crazy canadian asking for some guy named "vincent". which believe me sounds different to the french pronunciation of vincent (they drop the 't' – weirdos).

i talked to melinda yesterday as well. it was very nice. i like it when a person knows you so well that something like "can i borrow your bike?" causes you to laugh from your gut. she was making a little jab at me for my neurosis inflicted on me as a child. there are just certain childhood rules i can't shake. like not lending out my bike or i'm only sick if i'm barfing. i have however, overcome my issues with dr seuss and the one pickle per serving rule, where my sister is still battling those vices.

ugh what's with this chair?!?! it always makes my ass fall asleep.

i wish i was the kind of person that knew exactly what to tell someone when they're having a mental break-down. i fear i always come across like "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" when what i mean is "it'll be ok". what i want is to do or say whatever would make them feel better, when the truth is i don't know what that is. everyone is different. every situation is different.

they have their obvious attractions, the bodies of men.

bicycle

well i'm satisfied. i've tidied my WHOLE place. i found a home for everything. no more mini piles on my desk. err, except for that small one. but you can see my desk top and my dresser top. i'm very pleased and don't feel overwhelmed anymore. i'm relieved.

i went to my mom's for dinner tonight. it was a nice time. she brought me back some british chocolate, yummmmm. i think i'll crack it open right now. MMmmmm.

i had a really nice time with her and upon reflection i'd have to say tonight was significant. i've mentioned before how sometimes it feels like my mom is my biggest critic. we talked about it over dinner and she was very sorry. she told me that she's very proud of me and thinks i'm doing great. it was nice to hear those things from her. i felt we spoke as equals and she respects my opinion because i have a good head on my shoulders and have some solid experience under my belt.

i did my laundry at her house and now i'm facing the dread of folding it. i HATE folding laundry, i miss my laundry lady. maybe i should think of as though i'm being paid 4 bux for folding it instead of paying the laundry lady. there. that might make it more enjoyable. score!

wow, it sure is nice having a tidy and clean house :) AND i got my buttons sewn back on my clothes. my, i sure am on top of things. i can rest easy now. well after i fold my laundry :p

its time for all good lesleys to get ready for bed.

the way you told me to look past everything i had ever learned.

narcissus

dave ferrence took me, marilyn, mayelin and april out for dinner to the greek islands. it was quite nice and we had a fun time. i discovered that marilyn stinks at looking surprised when she already knew the secret. i should mental note that. dave and i were discussing dyssomia today. it made me laugh. this is the defination... a sleeping disorder that makes it difficult to get to sleep, or to stay sleeping. hahaha. funny how some things in life contradict each other.

those of you currently located in k-town will know that we had our first snow-fall last night that stayed on the ground. we got 10 cm. unfortunately, this made me late for work. i'm sorry to disappoint you, but it wasn't my fault. i was ready on time, but i hadn't yet looked out the window so had no idea winter had arrived. i dug out my boots and toque then headed out into the peaceful outside. i reminded myself as i drove down my street that winter driving is different and i should start to brake a lot sooner than normal. i drove 80 tops on the way to work, thus making me late. but i'd rather err on the side of caution as they say. i'll have to revise my morning routine if i'm going to get back on track for being punctual.

i was surprised as i went about my day how i felt about the snowy outside. it made me feel cozy and nostalgic. it was nice.

i have a question for you... what is flirting? why is it done? what does it accomplish?? because people flirt with people they don't like quite often. WHY!?!?! i have nothing further to say on this topic, i'm mostly putting this question out there to be answered.

i'm too full to swallow my pride.

caboose

each day holds new possibilities. you never know when you get up whether a postcard might arrive.

i've had quite a nice day. i was adaquately busy and my mind has been nicely preoccupied. i'm happy about this, i may achieve my new goal. joy invited me for dinner and i enjoyed a lovely evening with them. i like this new stage of caleb knowing who i am. he climbs all over me, its fun. the kids were great, although, it was difficult to have a serious conversation with joy and tim while the kids screamed in our ears.

i discovered this evening that their lives are no more interesting than mine. when i asked them what was new, joy said "i cut caleb's hair today. that's pretty much it for me". i told them about how i eat a hard-boiled egg and breakfast sausages each morning. actually, i talked about breakfast sausages on so many separate occassions that tim commented "wow! you really ARE into breakfast sausages". anyway, i told them about the time that i bought the some at the store and left without them. joy laughed hysterically at this. i have to admit, joy laughs pretty easily at things and its refreshing. i always get a good audience from her. my sox were covered in rice when i left there.

i've been making it to work on-time/early since last wednesday. "they" say it takes 23 days to form a habit and so by my christmas holidays i'll have been on-time for... aw crap only 18 days. oh well, that should be ok. i actually think for me the 23 days rule is not accurate. its not hard and fast. usually for me, doing something in a similar way for about 3 to 5 days constitutes a new system.

tomorrow's another day.
tuesday.

p.s. i feel offended as a graphic designer.
p.p.s. i need to sew my button back on my coat. and my pants.
p.p.p.s. i feel a new sense of determination. fueled by self-respect and a sense of pride. it helps setting attainable goals.
p.p.p.p.s i'm sorry that i'm so cryptic. its not intentional i understand what i mean.

advent

i DID write an entry last night but then my firefox froze and i lost it all. so i went to bed.

i don't know where to start, but basically i've been having a bit of a identity crisis over the last few days. wonder what the heck i'm doing with my life. wondering if i could be doing more. feeling guilty for the decisions i make that result in comfy living. i got a great pep talk from sarah last night, but i was still feeling kind of lost. but then the most incredible thing happened... i went to church today and a number of events compounded together to make it all make sense again.

rachel spoke on waiting. being joyful and hopeful as we wait. she quoted emily dickenson saying hope is the bird who sings the tune even when it doesn't know the words. i don't know the words, but i won't let that stop me from enjoying singing. i also struck up conversation with a number of people i didn't know, and i remembered how much i love that. i love helping people who are disconnected become infused in community. maybe it won't make a difference at all, but you just never know when taking an interest in someone will make a world of difference to them.

i've got to stop comparing my accomplishments to other peoples. i DO know who i am, i just don't know where i'm going.

my book has provoked much thought in me. it got me thinking about love, it claims "love is not blindness. love is hallucination". it makes you see things that aren't there. i'm not completely convinced of that, i propose it makes you seen things no one else can see.

hurt is seeing your ex-bestfriend in indigo and quickly sneaking out of there before you find yourself face to face with him. there was nothing to say. irony is the fact that i haven't seen him in months and months. i'm disappointed that its come to this.

i dreamt about christmas last night. it put me in a christmasy mood. i feel my holidays approaching, i feel relaxed already. i feel at peace. its ok once again.

i wish i had some baked-goods.

i've stood here before inside the pouring rain,
with the world turning circles running 'round my brain.

phallic

i went to eve's tonight with the rachel and catherine. i had a really lovely time, i sat with michelle, carolyn, catherine and sarah over dinner. what a hoot! it was a really nice time but i got so sleepy. brenda was speaking but near the end when people were asking questions i was literary falling asleep.

when i walked in i saw in a crowd of people my exboyfriend's mom. when i saw her i said outloud "oh my goodness" and i went up to her to give her a hug. she had no idea who i was. it took her a good 10 seconds to clue in and at that point my arms were just about all the way around her. so in total i had two exboyfriend's moms there when you include carolyn. sarah clearly got a kick out of it. that and the stain-glass artwork ;)

on the way home, with rach and catherine we had some girly girl talk. ah, girly girl talk always hits the spot from time to time.

i established today that i'm afraid of being vulerable. well, not afraid exactly, afraid of being hurt if i make myself vulerable. but i suppose its unavoidable. all my chips are on the table. in life i feel its necessary to bet all or nothing. i'm done with denying my wants. i can't sit back and say that i don't care, because i do. no amount of self-persuasion has convinced me so far.

today in the mail i got a 20 dollar gift certificate from the grizzly grill. i signed up for this promotional mailing list months ago. its only good til dec 31. who will i take with me??

it's a big enough umbrella,
but it's always me that ends up getting wet.