alike

i like my hair today.

i got a new hair spray because it was on sale and i was all out. but i like this one better.

honey has fleas.

it's gross.

she's been avoiding standing or sitting on the floor. it reminds me of when i was a kid and we'd pretend the ground was lava.

i went to the pet store, prepared to buy the most expensive kind available, but it turns out that's only available via prescription. so we're plum out of luck.

berber

you know that you've really become a grownup when you're excited about new carpet.

we got carpet installed in our basement on friday, and it looks GREAT! i'm so pleased. eamon and i ran around in circles enjoying the new rec room. it's funny, because it cost about as much as simple oversea vacation (meaning, not an elaborate one with lots of frills), and compared to a holiday carpet seems very dull. but when i'm there i feel excited thinking about our kids playing in that space. the forts and imaginative play :) joy and i practically lived in our rec room/play room as kids, and i can't imagine growing up without it.

it makes me happy. and what a relief! we're really starting to see the results of our hard work around here.

sponge

the ironic thing about me making a smoothy with plums so they didn't go to waste is that i ended up knocking over my blender in the process and wasted at least a third of it and one small container of yogurt.

in my frustration i loudly went "AAAAAAAA-UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH".

then from the other room i could hear a little voice imitating me "aaauuugghh" and brendan saying "yes, that IS what mama said."

sometimes imitation is not that flattering.

paused

it's so dark out. it feels like bedtime.

after eamon was down and the dishes were done, i sat out front with a cider in the dark. it was nice. i liked the easy pace. it's funny, because even though it was the only thing i wanted to do, i felt rushed. like i needed to move on to the next thing. i'd overcome that tendency while i'm on mat leave. it's disappointing that it's back, but i'm not surprised. just goes to show that i need to make a habit of doing that. it's easy for me to get swept up in a fast pace that i'm unhappy with. i need to counter act that.

this might be the first evening since july that i had nothing i had to do. what a nice change. i think i'll lie around a bit and probably read before heading to bed early.

12 books

once again, i woke in the night and couldn't fall back asleep. the annoying thing is that i don't even has as much on the go! i laid there trying some breathing techniques that scarlete was telling me about yesterday, and it did help, only i dozed back to sleep around 4:45 and had to wake up at 5:30.

after eamon was settled in bed and i'd finished cleaning the bathroom, i sat out front on our porch under the cover of night. it was calming and gentle, and reminded me of my old balcony.

it's hot and i feel all clammy. i'm gonna post this then go to bed.

last night i finished the last coat of paint in the basement. now i can move on to (or get back to) unpacking. tonight we hung a bunch of art in the living room and our bedroom. i feel we're on our way to normal.

and as i start to make a turn towards normal, i want to start getting more intentional about again about my sleeping habits and connecting with others. on the weeks that brendan works evenings, i'm pretty cooped up and i can't get out as easily as i'd like. it's easily to become or feel isolated. and i'm not always good at reaching out, unless when i feel a sense of urgency.

this afternoon i had a nice walk with scarlete along the water front. it was good to connect with her. i think it was good for both of us.

yard poops

i ran out of paint for my second coat in the rec room.

i like painting, but i've concluded that i'm a real reckless painter. thankfully, i've started wearing a painting apron, which keeps me from getting covered. i don't know why i didn't wear an apron before!

brendan mowed the lawn the other day with our (new to us) lawn mower. he looked very grown up. it made him seem twice his age.

bird hits your windshield

that picture of that 3 year old boy is too much for me. he reminds me so much of éamon, i can't bare to see it again. i'm pretty deeply disturbed. sometimes life just feels like one big oxymoron. on one hand it's deeply disturbing, and on the other hand life is beautiful and amazing. sometimes i feel like i'd be ok with the good side of life just being moderately ok if it meant the bad side of life was only mildly bad.

7+9

FINALLY, for the first time in over a week, i actually had a productive day!

i got the downstairs bedroom finished painting (it needed a bunch of touch ups, and some white paint, etc). i put a second coat on the kitchen walls, AND i painted the kitchen floor. i can't express what a relief it was for me to actually make some progress. this really reduces my feelings of being overwhelmed.

argh

today we faced one of those parenting urban legends. the one when the kid is supposed to be napping, but instead takes of their poopy diaper and spreads the poop around the room. there have been many occasions, for one reason or another, that eamon has had a diaper misfunction and we've thought "oh, we are so lucky that it wasn't poopy". no so lucky today :S

sandy

i've been sleeping really poorly lately. first because of excitement, then from having lots to do, now my brain is just really busy and i lie there wide awake. last night i took a sleep-aid, two of them. i slept really well. even when eamon woke in the night and wouldn't settle himself back to sleep. i was worried that i wouldn't fall back to sleep either, but i did. i was a bit groggy this morning, so if i take them again tonight, i think i'll just take one. i'm not sure how long i'll take them for, but probably a few nights in a row will help.

yesterday i wasn't feeling well, and i stayed home from work. come evening i was a bit loopy and talking random stuff endlessly. it makes brendan a little annoyed when i do that. i guess he would say i'm annoying, it's not that he's annoyed :p

i'm hoping to get back into my usual sleep routine soon.

oops

well... believe it or not, we accidentally didn't feed our cat for 2 weeks :S

in our defence, we did think we were feeding her and were wondering why she wasn't eating. today, brendan picked up her food bowl and said to her "honey, is there a reason why you're not eating this food?" then looked in the bowl and realized the food was all moldy. it turns out the food got all wet at some point during the move. it got all stuck together and moldy. so, naturally, she didn't eat it. she has been adjusting really well to our new home, so we had no clue there was anything wrong. and it's not unlike her to go through phases of not eating. BUT i'm glad we got that figured out before more time passed.

we feel pretty badly about it. she was probably feeling like "i like this new house, but the food here SUCKS!".

coats of paint

our new tenants moved into main street tonight. i was surprised to discover that it feels weird to think of other people living there. and when i go by tomorrow to drop off the keys, that i will need to knock on the door and wait for them to come answer it. i think it'll be ok though. it's the start of us establishing our new normal.

it seems the house we didn't end up buying has reappeared on the market with a new realtor and a new higher price. i'm really glad we didn't buy that house though. our brant house is so much better for us, and we LOVE the park out back.

i struggle sometimes with worry that our tenants will be unhappy and that they'll resent me if the house is in anyway disappointing. i wonder if i'm a little bit of an overachieving landlord because of a desire for affirmation from them. i think i need to work through this and set some landlord-tenant boundaries. it's reasonable for me for strive to be a good landlord, and keep the house(s) in good shape. ultimately i want to take care of our rental spaces so that if i lived there, that i'd be happy with their condition, etc. but it's easy to seek approval when i shouldn't. since we plan to be landlords for a long time, i'm gonna have to work on said boundaries.

that house

i'm physically tired, but not really for sleep yet. i walked down the hall to see cheerios and a tipped over sippy cup on the table, dirty dishes stacked in the kitchen, toys scattered all over the living room floor and boxes waiting to be unpacked.

there just isn't enough time. i suspect that several boxes will remain unpacked for years to come. some boxes just aren't a priority. right now i don't want to do any of it.

ripped shirt

i hadn't realized it, but it's been a while since i did some freelance/pro bono design work at home in the evenings. i definitely have preferences of what kind of design i like, and what i don't like as much, so sometimes i'm less eager than other times. BUT...

i had a really enjoyable evening working on the layout of a book.

good tunes, indesign, no bra. it was really enjoyable. i don't get to truly stretch my design muscles at work. it just felt good to be creative. i used to have more creative outlets. when we first were getting unpacked here i found a thick folder full of old next standards, and it reminded me of how fun that was to do. it was super time consuming, but i really liked it.

if i had a beverage in my hand, i would make a toast saying "here's to fun, creative design work (and no bras)".

down then up

i've had an odd 12 hours. 

1) last night eamon did not want to go to bed and put up a big fight. 

2) since i'd had such a dull and lethargic day, i thought it would do me good to spend the evening painting the bedroom in the basement. i've always just bought the most affordable can of paint before, but when we had the exile painted for our new tenants, our painter told us to buy a good quality can because it covers better. so that's what i did for our basement paint, and to my delight, it said on the can that it had a built-in primer and should only need one coat! which is amazing because i painted on saturday with some old paint from the maxipad and it took 3 coats. so i got to work thinking it would only take an hour. but unfortunately, i got started later than planned because of my bed-time reluctant toddler. i painted the evening away in silence - just me, some paint and my thoughts. i'm quite happy with how it turned out. it's a nice colour and when the flooring gets installed, i think it will be a really livable room - friendly, yet sophisticated. 

3) when i was done, it was nearly 11 (it took 1.5 coats, plus tape and cutting in), but i wanted some downtime, so i got some leftover salad, some mediocre cookies i baked on the weekend (i didn't mix in the baking powder very well), and some cider and watched an episode of 30 rock. it was nice, because i was still up when b got home. 

4) unfortunately, as the murphy's law of parenting predicts (the later you stay up, the earlier your kid wakes up), eamon woke at 3 am upset. so i thought i'd bring him into bed with us til he got sleepy. that worked ok. he likes to cuddle with me in bed. unfortunately (again) within 10 minutes, his diaper leaked and our bed was soaked (we've been having this problem regularly lately). so, after changing him, we put him back into his bed, and just got a towel to cover the wet spot. it took me a long time to fall asleep again after that, when when my alarm clock went off 2 hours later, i was not ready to get up. 

5) unfortunately (AGAIN), because i had loads of paint in my hair, i had to shower even though i was already late, which made me later :S 

6) but on the bright side, i decided to have a sing-a-long on the way to work. i've heard that singing is a good stress reliever and i thought it would be invigorating. so i dug out a mixed cd in the car that i knew had lots of my favourites, and set off. that was just what i needed to redeem my day (possibly my whole week!). and i'm feeling back to normal now :) 

drag

i hate being bored.

it's probably one of the most demotivating and deflating mental states.

it's been one of those days when i can't get myself out of a funk. being at work was dull and i really missed marilyn. i've never been a social butterfly at work. i generally keep to myself, and do my job. but i've enjoyed a handful of more outgoing, chatty workmates over the years. right now i'm in a real dry spell and it's depressing. i kind of feels self-generated. that it's my fault for being shy and withdrawn. my social needs are limited and i get those met outside of work. 

in every area of my life, i'm constantly struggling to find the balance between too much and too little. it's like i have a goldilocks complex.

blah.

empty

i suspect that hearing about someone unpacking is one of the most boring things. which leaves me short on things to share about.

i will say this... there's something satisfying about getting your box of tea unpacked, finding a good place to put the contents, and knowing where you'll quickly get your hands on it next time you're in want of a cuppa.

other than that, b and i tried to rest today. we watched an episode of 'friday night lights' and then had a nap. it was good.

growing up

i made two purchases on kijiji today.

1) a lawnmower

2) binoculars

we, obviously, need the lawnmower to our lawn. the grass isn't really growing, but the weeds are. it feels very grown up to own a lawnmower, and it's a nice one too. it's gas. i've only ever mowed with electric, and brendan's only ever mowed with gas. this will be a new experience for me.

the other purchase is more odd, and could be considered sketchy. i wanted to get binoculars to see people at the playground and the soccer field. we managed to spot garry and shannon at the soccer field on monday with the naked eye, but i want to be able to identify people more easily. and when eamon is bigger to see what he's up to at the climber. so i found a brand new pair on kijiji for $15! brendan finds it weird – he thinks i'm becoming "one of THOSE neighbours". i'm keeping them on top of the china cabinet for easy people watching.

bearings

we're feeling more and more at home here on brant ave.

although, we both feel like we're staying at someone's cottage or something. we've quickly adjusted and really like it here, but there's a certain temporary feel to everything. perhaps it's because daily routines feel novel.

last night our neighbours had a fire going in their backyard and the campfire scent wafted through the windows. which just added to that cottage-feeling.

the hood

i walked down to giant tiger today to pick up some things while brendan had the car in napanee. it was good to get better acquainted with this part of town. on the way i thought about how odd it feels that we went from 1 house with 1 rental unit, to 2 houses with 3 rental units. it's nuts! we're really landlords now!

i'm super tired. i haven't had an early night since we moved here. so i'm going to crawl into bed now.

first days

we've moved all our stuff over to our new house now. we're currently living among boxes, but on the whole have been able to put our hand to what we need pretty well. eamon slept through the night last night, so i think he's adjusting well. he LOVES the backyard. he's been over to the park a few times, but is just as happy in the backyard. it's interesting how a neighbour cultures vary because of subtle differences. we've noticed that the playground at our park is often vacant, while at skeleton park it's always in use. but that's because most of the kids in kingscourt have their own backyard and many have their own play structures. i'm sure we'll still go to the park a lot. i like the community aspect of that.

our room faces the park and sometimes at night i think i heard people playing in the park. i don't know if that's actually happening or if i'm imagining things. this morning, when i got up for work, the field was all foggy and the sun was glistening on the dew. it was a lovely scene.

having a kitchen table is blowing our minds. we often have to remind ourselves that it exists. i'm a little worried that we won't use our living room as much because we eat in the dining room and my computer is in our bedroom. but our living room is so lovely that it would be a shame to not use it very much. we got this really nice new couch on kijiji on saturday, and on the whole, the room is coming together really nicely.

i think i'll have to paint our bedroom. i thought it was cream coloured, but it's actually plain white :S it's not even a warm white. i always find plain white like that makes me feel like my brain is going to implode.

the end of exile

tonight is our last night here at our exile on main street. who knows, maybe someday we'll move back here when we're old. but for now, it's our last night.

this has been a great home for us. i feel in many ways brendan and i have come into our own as individuals and as partners in this space. i've loved working on the house with small and large improvements over the years. i'm proud of the house it's becoming. i'm glad our relationship is just changing and not ending. when we moved last time, it was the end of our relationship (it turned into a place we used to live), where the exile remains ours, even if we're not living in it. 

our new place (or as our realtor calls it "our forever home") is just a short bike ride away. i'm actually really excited about having more of a reason to cycle places. 

i should go. i'm pretty tired. 

it's a bittersweet night.

hammers

this evening, éamon and i went out for dinner at saigon delights. most of our kitchen is packed up, so i'm trying to avoid cooking. we sat at the window seat, across from one another and he pointed out the window at the trucks and motorcycles that passed. he was a good date.

my mom commented last night as we chatted on the phone, that i get to get more excited before an event. actually she said i get more excited about "planning". i told her that i didn't think it was planning that i'm excited about, but i think it's the anticipation that i find exciting. sarah told me once that anticipation is most of the fun. i think that's true a lot of the time. or at least it's special in it's own way, different than the realization phase.

sometimes it feels good to have a cry while talking to your mom on the phone. i feel a lot better.

countdown

hmm mmm "rachel's" buttertarts are so delicious.

also...

now that we're down to our last week on main street, i'm feeling eager to just get this week over with. unfortunately, this week will be filled with more packing, my mid-year performance evaluation, errands and spending money. ugh. sounds like a real drag.

flaws

*pfff* i'm having a super difficult time not being annoyed or expressing exasperation. i honestly didn't know how sensitive i am. i worry, i take things personally, i stew, and i need to lighten up and get more thick skinned.

SO WHAT if my dad made a dismissive comment about how 'george' is eamon's last middle name. it was kind and thoughtful of us to give him that middle name, and we had good reasons for the order. so i'm gonna try to not be irritated and/or upset by that. perhaps this is an indication of where i got my annoyed attitude from – someone who gets annoyed about small things. i mention this, despite the fact that i'm trying to stop venting frustrating, because it's a prime example of the types of things that get under my skin :S

our house definitely looks like we're moving now. one week today and we'll be in our new place!

evolving

now that i've identified myself as a generally annoyed person, i seeing things more clearly. partly because i'm recognizing that i'm the problem, not the situations, circumstances or people that i'm annoyed by. the other part is that this is helping me recognize that being perpetually annoyed is super anti-social behaviour. i'd have to say it's my biggest anti-social vice. since i believe in the value of being pro-social, i've gots to cancel out my annoyed attitude. i wonder what the opposite of annoyed is...

[checks dictionary]
Near Antonyms for 'Annoyed' delighted, pleased; content, happy, satisfied; calm, pacific, peaceable, placid, serene, tranquil

interesting! these are all good things. although, pacific seems a little out of place, but i trust that the dictionary knows what it's talking about.

being an annoyed person, i get annoyed at myself too. for example... yesterday, i rinsed out my tea infuser to make a fresh cup of tea. and instead of filling my tea cup with water, i 'filled' just the tea infuser (sans tea cup), and sprayed hot water everywhere. now... that's not a delightful, pleasing or happy situation, but i suppose i could choose to be grateful that i wasn't severely burnt or anything. while i can't be pro-social with myself, i could exercise self-kindness and not call myself an idiot.

oh learning curves...
when will i get the hang of being a proper human?

all because of a noisy toilet

we all have our 'thing' that is linked to our most difficult and unflattering trait.

mine is easily being annoyed or irritated. i'm pretty much always annoyed or irritated on some level. it's always right below the surface. even when i'm having a great day, if the right topic comes up in conversation it just spills out. i know other people like this too. i've concluded this low-level, perpetual annoyance is managed through talking out about the latest, most annoying thing to whoever will listen. this usually doesn't involve talking to the annoying person. partly because my annoyance is small, and usually opinion based. plus, i regularly forget about it later on.

this is actually difficult for me to admit, because i'm not proud of it. i'd rather not draw attention to this trait, just in case others haven't noticed it.

all that said, when it comes to irritation and my partner, i let it all hang out. i don't spare him any of my thoughts, frustrations, or unkind words when expressing my annoyance. and the poor guy is blind-sided by my below-the-belt comments that exceed the cutting words and oddly perceptive remarks that only an entitled teenager is capable of. in moments like that, i don't much like myself, but i've just pushed away my closest ally, so i just commit and stand by what i've said. it's too late to recant, so i just dive right in.

i really don't know if it's possible to do things differently. i guess one thing i could do is use my self-awareness skills and try to stop myself before my annoyance snowballs.

somethings ever change.

wrapping

tomorrow i return to work from a nice at-home mini-break. it was good to do regular, at home stuff and to spend extra time with eamon. that said, i don't mind returning to work. i love having my freedom, but having a little bit of structure is good for me, plus my job makes my world bigger and is good exercise for my brain.

all of this said, i really enjoy spending time with éamon. i feel like he makes me feel fun. and i like our relationship dynamic. 

ridge

4 days away from work, and i still have one more day off :) i'm really enjoying this 5 day long weekend. i'm going to do this again sometime.

beckie, éamon and i swam in the rain in malcolm lake. it was lovely.

hurricane

sometimes brendan and i talk together about how often we're reminded of what a big impact parents have on their adult children. so many people have baggage, or worldviews, or self-views, or hang-ups, etc etc, because one parent, both parents, their parents relationship with each other, or their parents relationships with other people. it's kind of good to get this reminder. it helps us put our role as parents in perspective, and to remember that we are trying to raise a healthy, aware, fully-functioning adult.

i'm going to take another stab at the book "middlemarch".

best things about my mini summer vacation so far are...

- staying up past my bedtime

- "sleeping in" til 7

- hanging out with my kid all day

- going to the beach at grass creek park

- royal angkor take out for lunch

- going to yellow bike action for a new bike for b

- summer afternoon naps

- visit with rach last night

- dinner with bren and her kids tonight

- finishing my library book a week before the return date

lady books

each time i finish a book with a female protagonist i have the difficult task of trying to find another good book about women. thankfully, i always find something, but it requires much more looking than it should.

my latest book is called "the boston girl", by anita diamant. she's the same wome who wrote "the red tent", which many of you have read and loved. this one is set in a totally different place and time (boston in the early 1900s), but it's really good too. it's like "call the midwife" meets "fiddler on the roof". i really recommend it. it's a 85 year old woman, telling her life story to her adult granddaughter.

it's a library book, so i've been having to read it at a much faster pace, but that hasn't been a challenge because i enjoy it so much.

collection

while at chapters last week, i saw a drinking glass for sale with a russian doll on it – like this. i really liked it, but it was $21 for one! too bad. maybe i'll get one on clearance. but it got me thinking... i like novelty drinking glasses with colourful graphics. so i think i'll start collecting them until our whole glassware collection is an interesting assortment of designs.

i've also realized lately how much i like owls.

i also like feathers and octopuses.

perhaps i'll find some drinking glasses with those things on them.

escape

i'm pretty good at taking care of things. and because of that i don't usually think to ask for help. but tonight, as i tried to organize the house, and prepare/clean up dinner, and do some packing, i felt overwhelmed. so i called my mother-in-law to see if she could help with éamon while i did some stuff around the house. she came down and took him to the park, and i got on top of things.

soon, i'll need to start packing the basement. some stuff is already in boxes, but a lot isn't. it's a bit of an overwhelming task, but things are going at a good pace, so i'm sure it'll be alright.

i'm taking some vacation days this weekend to make for an extra long weekend. and i'm determined to use them to relax and enjoy some time off, and NOT do anything house related. i'll be nice to have that break from everything.

i'm from the suburbs

having grown up in the west-end of the West End, anything past the kingston centre was considered "downtown". so i find it super weird when people refer to kingscourt as "the suburbs". even my own dear brendan uses that label to describe it. "it's like the suburbs..." i don't really get the comparison. yes, kingscourt is a residential area with wider, more quiet streets, and bungalows, but i don't think that makes it a suburban neighbourhood. today's suburbs have oversized houses on tiny lots, which actually kind of makes downtown like the suburbs.

"suburbs" is a term that describes car-dependant neighbourhoods far from the city centre.

believe me, i should know. my place of origin was so deeply in the suburbs that the only thing in walking distance was a beckers, a creek and two (far apart) parks. technically my school was close enough to walk, but we were bussed because it involved crossing train-tracks and in the 70s a ten-year old boy had been killed on the tracks while on his way home from school (he was actually playing 'chicken' with his friends – super sad).

i do find that it gets my back up about the whole "suburbs" label, but i'm just going to have to let it slide. everyone has a different definition of what downtown is. i just think it's an issue of perspective.

electrical tape

we have this colourful stained glass ceiling lamp that i bought at a flea market in PEI many years ago. last week, brendan turned it on and the switch on the wire started smoking. we've been unplugging it ever since to avoid the switch. but today, i went to canadian tire to buy a new wire, and we had it repaired/replaced in 10 minutes. i'm super pleased with us. i'm very intimidated by electrical work. part of my pleasure is that we fixed it almost right away, instead of living with it like that for a long time, which is what we usually do.

mini

i was telling brendan yesterday, that i don't feel sad as we pack up our exile on main street. i think it's because we're not actually saying good-bye to it, but just "see ya later". it'll still be our house, and we'll live in it again some day when we're old. i feel happy about that, and really feel at peace.

this afternoon, while i cycled in the nameless waterfront park on my lunch break, i really relished summer. and i relished being out, bike riding mid-summer day. i concluded that if was at home with eamon, i wouldn't go out for a solitary bike ride daily, and i wouldn't ever make it down to the lake. one of these days i need to pack a sandwich and take it with me on my bike ride so i can eat it down by the water. it's really peaceful down there. it's pretty busy, lots of people take their dogs there or go for walks.

i was noticing today how much wild parsnip we have in millhaven. i knew we had a lot, but it's actually everywhere in large quantities. i cycle through a little bit of grass every day, and i'll have to make sure i stay away from the wild parsnip or it might swipe my leg. if you're not familiar with wild parsnip, it's like poison ivy, but worse because it grows aggressively. i think it's new to this part of ontario. they started sending out warnings about it at work just a few years ago. we get warnings about wild parsnip and bears.

i don't know about you, but i've been eating a lot of corn on the cob this year. it's so tastey. usually i don't eat it a lot because i think "i've only just had corn on the cob, i can't have it again", but i've decided that's silly! it's summer, and if i want to eat it every week i will. i eat watermelon every day, why not corn once or twice a week!?!? there's no rules about that!

tape gun

brendan, shannon, kat, todd, éamon and i all went to mandarin tonight for dinner. i think it's safe to say we all got our money's worth.

we're moving in 3 weeks! CRAZY! so we started packing tonight. i don't want to get overwhelmed by leaving it all to the last minute. so far it's going well. my dad likes to give us his "baxter boxes", which are the boxes he gets his dialysis supplies in. i also got some at the grocery store on saturday. so we're officially in box hunting mode.

sure

well... we had a home inspection yesterday at this second house, and everything went well so we get to move forward :) it's pretty exciting.

last night i posted an ad on kijiji for our current living space and received several inquiries by noon this morning. we have two separate people coming to see it tomorrow. funnily enough, it didn't occur to me that people would be coming to see our house, so it needs to be clean and tidy. like, i knew they would, but i forgot that that literally means them coming into our house and looking around. so i spent all evening tidying and scrubbing in ways and places long neglected. it was good though. i feel ready-ish.

we've been landlords for several years, but have never had to go through the process of meeting potential tenants and choosing people. nor have we ever had to prepare a lease. thankfully brendan found a build-a-lease-agreement website that did it all for us, we just had to click the appropriate boxes.

i hope this is a smooth process. it's stressful. we have a lot to do in the next few months and a lot of expenses. i'm kind of looking forward to mid-september when it's all done. but i don't want to wish away this significant time.

i love summer days like this. where we didn't have to rush off to my mom's after church, and we could lie around in the heat with an oscillating fan on. it's been nice.

i've heard rachel say a few times that she felt things really turned a corner with her kids at 2 years old. i totally get that. eamon's really changed in the last few weeks, really developed and is really engaged. it's nice. especially because he feels easier to manage. ten months to 22 months were the hard bits of babyhood for us. now he's just this little boy – getting more independent all the time.

yesterday we did something very adult and very boring – carpet shopping. i have such distinct memories of carpet shopping with my parents as a kid. it was SO BORING and lasted HOURS. i'd amuse myself by crawling on the rolls of carpet. it's just as dull as a grown up, but really only lasted 15 minutes.

a place to call home?

we made an offer on another house yesterday that was accepted. our home inspection is scheduled for monday. i feel trepidation, but optimisim. the current owner bought the place in 2010, and her home inspection went well. plus, she's done a number of upgrades since then.

i've loved living so close to friends. so has brendan. it's almost hard to imagine living on a street where we don't know anyone. but i remind myself that we didn't know ruth and himansu when i moved in on york street. and they've been a wonderful addition to our lives. i welcome this change.  i think it will be good to get out of my bubble and connect with more people. i certainly don't connect with people at my office. part of me hopes that living in kingscourt will expand the world of our community too, but i don't suppose it will. i was told once when i lived on york street that even that house was too far from downtown. the person didn't like going there because it was "too far".

it's a super beautiful house, and i'm excited about setting in deep roots there. to finally land somewhere lasting. since my mom sold my childhood home in 1998, i've kind of felt like i was drifting from place to place. the longest place i've lived by far was the maxi pad for 6 years. i feel like i'll finally get to exhale.

it's on brant ave if you're interested.

mcburney

this evening i went to the park to do a little photo shoot of eamon for his second birthday. i wanted to give a current picture to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. unfortunately, 1) it was super busy there so he was very distracted, and 2) i must've looked like one of those parents more interested in their devices than actually spending time with their kid ("eamon, look at momma", "eamon, say cheese", "eamon, please just look at momma") :S needless to say, i didn't get what i was hoping for.

while at the park i bumped into a friend of a friend. we got chatting because our boys are about the same age. in reminiscing about birth stories, he told me that their doula was a real champ. i casually said "i'm sure your wife was a champ too". he then surprised me by saying "well, the drugs helped". huh. i'm super glad that brendan's narrative around éamon's birth was that i was a strong, capable woman. things did not go smoothly, but he has never minimized my efforts or my strength.

distracted

every once and a while i'm reminded of the importance of screen time moderation. it's so easy to get sucked into being on devices a LOT. i'm really glad that we (brendan and i) don't have smartphones or tablets because the temptation would be far too strong for us to use them constantly.

brendan sent me a great article the other day about the impact on kids of parents who using devices excessive. not only does it model poor habits, but it also has a negative impact on their relationships (with their kids) and (their kids') social development. it was a good reminder/motivator. so i'm working on not using my computer when eamon is around. this evening, i found it helpful to jot down a list of things i need to do or look up after eamon goes to bed. it worked well because i was able to download onto the list the thing i needed to do, then let it go until later. i often do that at work with chores i know i need to do at home later in the day.

not surprisingly i found i had more energy and time after dinner and i actually tidied the house unexpectedly. one challenge is that i use my computer for a lot of things (music, weather, banking, etc). but it's really the internet that causes me distraction, not these other tools.

a year of work days

well... i've been back at work for one full year now.
it's been a bit of a roller coaster for me. there were times when i really enjoyed it and found the mental challenge really satisfying. there were also times when i found the job itself or being away from my baby/home/community too emotionally taxing and not worth it.

i've feel like, on the whole, i've been doing an alright job at balancing my home life (family, friends, house work, activities/social life, etc) and work life fairly well. i go to bed at a decent time, and have not hated my early mornings. i've seen eamon be challenged by his time at daycare and rise to meet it with strength of character and charm. i've also seen him grow and develop tremendously and i'm grateful for the influence of other nourturing adults in his life. brendan faced unexpected difficulties with his layoff and poorly handled dismissal last summer. he worked really hard to find a job and in the end was such a desirable candidate that he got several jobs. i'm proud of how he used that time and how he confronted that rough patch. i've also had the pleasure of seeing brendan flourish as a dada (oh dear, i'm getting all teary-eyed now). he's excelled as the primary caregiver each morning - getting eamon ready for daycare and tending to his needs. seeing b in that role has been a pleasure and not something any of us would've been able to enjoy had i not returned to work.

it's been a little bittersweet. but i'm sure that as time goes by, i'll remember the sweet more than the bitter. it even feels funny to call it bitter. it was mostly just hard, and the kind of hard that one does out of necessity. but we've made the most of it, managed as best we could, and found plenty to be glad for.

weaned

last night, before bed i realized that i was leaking breast milk because i haven't nursed eamon in 6 days. it made me super sad, and i had a cry on the couch with b. i've been trying not to think about this end of an era, other than focus on the freedom it gives me. i knew if i reflected on it, i'd feel sad. it saddened me that my body didn't know yet, and is still producing milk. i wonder how long it will take to dry up. geez, that's depressing too.

when we get back from cahoots, i'm going bra shopping. i'm gonna get me some nice, non-nurising bras that fit me well. that will help. it will be a nice consolation.

sights

we went for a free swim over at the water park today. it was super refreshing and because it was free i didn't feel badly for not staying for very long.

we're going to see another two houses this week. one of them is a little small, and the other is a little far north. too bad the bigger house isn't where the smaller house is. i'm trying to not to get ahead of myself. which is tricky because buying a house involves some envisioning your life there. apparently there are a few other interested buyers, so i might not work out. OR their realtor might be embellishing to apply some pressure.

it's now been 5 days since eamon nursed. when today, he had opportunities when i thought he'd ask and didn't. as brendan said, "he does have a short memory. maybe he's forgotten already".

sippy cup

after realizing that i didn't nurse éamon for two consecutive days, i decided we were on a roll and to keep it up. so when he woke up from his nap this afternoon and would've normally nursed, we distracted him by going to the park. tomorrow is gonna be tricky because he'll be expecting to nurse when he gets home from daycare. but we've now gone three full days, so we're making progress. i think we're both ready. i wanted to wean him around 2 years, and he turns two in 13 days. he still loves nursing, but usually loses interest and walks off. i think he mostly just likes having the option to nurse, because that kid is all about keeping his options open.

i'm sure if i allow myself to think a lot about this end of an era, i'd get sad. but it's a really positive milestone and i don't think i'll have regrets because 2 years is a good long run. i loved, loved, loved nursing him in the wee hours of the morning when he was a little tiny baby. but we've grown past that now, and we're moving into a new chapter. weaning, potty training, soon a big boy bed!

#myfavourite

this afternoon i lied (laid?) on my bed reading in our quiet house while a breeze gently blew the curtains.

rose-coloured

i've been thinking a lot about asbestos and life decisions. forgive me if i've said this already, but i found that my desire for that particular house was colouring my judgement and i could've easily decided to buy that house despite the asbestos, and then later lived to regret it. someone told me recently "we choose our own reality" and i think that's true. i could've picked the cancer-causing house, and then been sad and sick because of it. i don't fully trust my judgement because i know how quickly i'm willing to abandon what i really what (a smallish mortgage, a large yard and finished basement) for something pretty or available.

this will probably be a collection of random thoughts

i've been feeling pretty wiped lately. just haven't had the chance to get on top of things and to feel at rest. so i'm glad that brendan was working this evening because it gave me the chance to do some stuff around the house and have some alone time.

one of the reasons i'm glad we're staying put for a while, is because that when i think something is temporary i'm more inclined to put up with stuff or not deal with things. even when there is no end in sight, i convince myself taking care of my surroundings are less important.

i made fried rice for dinner tonight. i had no idea what to make for supper, but had decided not to make what i'd originally planned. i was so pleased with myself when i had the idea to make fried rice and even extra pleased when i had ALL the ingredients already. including 3 cups of rice. it was good to use up food that may have otherwise gone to waste. i feel like i'm only just starting to get better at not wasting food. we saw a commercial in the UK about how the average person throws out a third of their groceries. i was shocked by that, but also convicted that i frequently let things go bad, then throw it out.

lately i've been feeling more comfortable in my body. i think that's because i'm eating better and exercising at lunch on work days. i feel like i'm getting stronger and notice a difference when i lift my bike. for some reason, i decided to weigh myself, just to check up on that. the dumb thing is that i KNOW i've gained muscle, but i decided to weigh myself anyway. as predicted, i was 175. i have consistently weighed 175 since eamon was born. sometimes i've lost weight, down to 165 at the lowest, but i always bounces back to 175. that said, this morning i didn't let that bother me. i know i'm a different shape since 2 years ago, and i know my arms and legs at least are stronger. so i'm just going to accept that the weigh-scale is a poor judge of these things

over and out. i'm falling asleep as i type.

hold

i've felt really torn about this whole asbestos thing. on one hand, there are people saying "it's no big deal as long as it's not disturbed". and on the other hand, people in the realty business saying "there's no way of knowing if it's spread into the walls and ceiling. plus, it will affect the resale value". we're landing somewhere in the middle with "it doesn't have to be a big deal, but if we have the option to find a house that doesn't have asbestos in it, that's better". we know we won't regret not buying a house with asbestos in it. i really loved that house and i was so excited to live there, but i know that could affect my judgement and cause me to compromise on something i'd regret. it's the sort of thing that if we found out after we'd moved in, than we'd manage it safely, but it's if we can avoid it that's better.

it's weird that i feel a need to defend this choice, because it's really doesn't affect anyone else.

i had a bit of a cry after we confirmed with our realtor that we were not proceeding. but there's always another house. i like watching the house market and there are always houses coming up. it's just the sort of thing that when you're looking nothing's available. i know that someday we'll find another house that we'll love and think "i'm so glad we didn't buy that other one". 

crumble

it's funny how life repeats itself.

10 years ago i bought a house, and then didn't go through with it after the home inspection. http://saintdynamite.blogspot.ca/2005/12/hit.html

this afternoon, we had a home inspection on the house we'd bought, only to find it has asbestos in the attic. after talking with the home inspector, he said he would not buy that house in it's current condition, but if it was fixed it would be ok, we decided to ask them to remove the asbestos and install new insulation. seems reasonable, right? but the home owner seems incredibly stubborn and foolish, and is only willing to pay for 1 single test (we were told that even 3 tests couldn't guarantee that it was asbestos free), and even so that insulation needs to be removed because it's not up to code. so it looks like we're back on the house market. what a dummy. no one is going to buy that house. the danger and risk is too serious.

it's sucky because we really liked that house and the timing seemed good for renting this place out in september. a friend had connected me with a new faculty member at queen's who was looking to rent. so that will fall through too. BUT there's always another house. we'll just have to wait.

buzzkill

we spent a nice and enjoyable weekend at echo lake camp with many nexters, but not all. it was a nice pace and i was pleasantly surprised that i was not run ragged by my toddler. however, upon returning home i did feel rather overwhelmed by the mess i'd created by rushing to pack before heading out of town. so i set to work and got everything set in order. in fact, i've NEVER unpacked a suitcase the same day i returned home before.

rochester

well... my partner left the country for the evening and i'm at home feeling pretty tired. instead of doing something productive or good for my brain, i think i'll just watch some tv shows and laze around on my bed.

haggle

someone reminded me the other day that change often comes all at once. and it definitely seems we're in the middle of a change in seasons.

we put an offer in on a house yesterday and after some negotiation, the seller accepted our offer. so now we just need to complete our conditions and it's a done deal.

said house is up in kingscourt on hillcrest avenue. we're very happy. we really like that neighbourhood. it's a well-designed residential area still close to downtown, friends, amenities, bus routes, etc.

there's part of me that will miss this neighbourhood. but there's another part of me that's excited about being in a different place, and the opportunity expand my circle. i think it will be good for me to be further afield so my world doesn't grow too small or become navel gazing.

the house itself is lovely and i think it will suit us very well. it's more than double our current living space, which i suppose isn't saying much. it feels like our adult home for some reason. that's what comes to mind when i think of it.

moving day will be august 15!

continued

well... i talked to the vet today, and i feel a lot better.

he assured me that pekoe is in the care of a loving person and is not showing any signs of distress. he's very friendly and happy (as usual). so that's good.

also, he's going to talk to the animal hospital manager so we can be reimbursed for our euthanization payment, since that didn't actually take place.

i feel relieved. i didn't want pekoe to be put down, but he was much more special needs than we could handle and we didn't know how to find a suitable new owner.

as the saying goes... all's well that ends well.

and then there was one...

it feels as though since we got home from our trip to the UK things have not been going well. we keep getting hit by difficult things. most times expensive.

today, after several years of sickness and the stress of us trying to pre-empt pekoe from peeing all over the house, we finally decided it was time to put him down. except, the vet didn't want to do that. at this point we actually have no idea if he did it or not, but we know that he charged us way more than he should have. especially for not doing anything. so i'm going to call tomorrow to 1) complain, 2) find out if they actually put him down, 3) dispute the charges, and 4) complain again.

i also feel like brendan and i could really use a win. just something that would relieve some of pressure we've been feeling. like emotional or financial blood-letting or something.

green

lately brendan has been going to bed at the same time as me. i like it. last night, i was in bed before he arrived home from work, but was restless and still wasn't sleeping by the time he turned in. i like lying in the dark side by side talking.

lately eamon and i have been eating watermelon together. it's currently one of my favourite activities with him. i think it appeals to me because we sit together enjoying the same thing as equals. two people who like watermelon.

on fire

i've been doing this new thing where i only allow myself treats or less healthy snacks on weekends, and i'm liking it. this isn't a weight loss initiative, largely because i'm done with temporary weight loss efforts that get temporary results. instead, i want to change my approach to food.

maybe i'm a bit slow to figure this out, but some of the healthiest people i know are also those with the most simple and nutritious eating habits. and i realized... i should really change direction. change the sorts of things i'm eating.

i'm not blaming my parents (my mom is a very moderate eater and can eat only a bite of a halloween-sized chocolate bar each day so it lasts a week), but i grew up in the 80s, when kool-aid was king. my afterschool snacks consisted of red licorice and jumbo marshmellows. so i'm re-training my palette and changing my thinking about snacks. BUT not cutting myself off completely from tastey treats, or else i'd be doomed to fail. 

10 things i hate right now

• that brendan's pedals got stolen

• that éamon got bit at daycare and it broke the skin and bled a lot (and that he now needs antibotics)

• that the nurses at hotel dieu were rude to me

• that the children's urgent care centre closes at 3:45 (i either had to wait at the urgent care centre for several hours or take him to my family doctor tomorrow)

• that the dish rack is full

• that social media blabbed all the major plot info about the game of thrones finale (that i'm watching with b later tonight)

• that my friends are going through a hard time right now

• that my replacement necklace arrived today, but i wasn't home so it's at the post office and i can't pick it up til tomorrow afternoon

• that i breathed in gross city stink on the way home from HDH

• that my cat is using our front foyer as a litter box

quiet

lately i've been in a bit of a weird situation. i get up at 5:30 every morning for work AND my husband works til 11 pm every other week. but people keep inviting me out to events on weeknights.

i can't quite figure out if it's a courtesy invite (they know i can't come but they don't want to exclude me) or if they actually expect me to go out. are they're forgetting that i have several responsibilities that keep me in at night. or do they think i should still be able to go and i just need to find a sitter.

it's tricky because i like the slow pace of my life these days. all these invitations make me feel like i'm supposed to be wanting something different, but i don't. i kind of wish people wouldn't invite me because at least i'd feel like they'd understand my situation (it's mostly the early mornings. the working co-parents is a factor, but i'd find a sitter if it wasn't a going to be past my bedtime). but at the same time, there might be events that i'm available for and i don't want to miss those.

boooo. hisssss.

one thing i hate about the internet is the people who purposely give spoilers for tv shows and movies. brendan and i love game of thrones, and some guy hinted on a facebook friend's status about something major that happened in yesterday's season finale. brendan and i aren't able to watch it until tomorrow, so i commented saying "not everyone has seen it yet. i hope that's not a plot spoiler", and the guy replied and saying flat out what happened. i don't even know that guy. why would someone do that!?!?!

it was a real jerk move.

whoops

today i was cutting a banana in half for éamon and ended up slicing right into my index finger.

twit

i know that couples have weird fights sometimes. it comes with the territory. i have to say that i never thought brendan and i would have a heated debate about aaron carter and coffee way donuts.

to clarify, i actually mean aaron carter AND coffee way donuts. they were not two separate arguments.

crazy glue

brendan bought me some earrings on etsy a couple of years ago. technically they're ear pins and they look like feathers. i love them, because i have a bit of a thing for feathers. i find them really delicate and feminine, but also kind of bold and empowering.

sadly, one has broken slightly. the thing i've noticed lately about my favourite things is that they tend to break more frequently from regular use. i contacted the woman who offered to fix them for free or i can buy new ones. i don't know what to do because i don't want to be without them, but i also don't want an unnecessary extra set. sometimes i don't like making trivial decisions.

bakes

i don't like library books because i am a slow reader. BUT i'm trying to penny pinch right now, so i thought i'd take another stab at ebooks from the ole library. i'm not sure if they have a renew option, i think they might just expire at the end of 14 days. but brendan and i are between shows right now, so i'll focus more on reading.

it's difficult to find good books (especially when limited to library books) about women. and now that i'm conscious of this, it makes me all that more determined to find the few and far between books. i was reminded this evening of what a gem "the women's room" was. i managed to find a copy of "the bluest eyes", which was on my list of books to read. a few months ago, i naively mentioned to brendan "i'm thinking about reading this book called 'the bluest eyes' by this woman named toni morrison" and he laughed out loud because toni morrison is very famous and i made her sound new or obscure. but she was new to me :S

andean

while we had a nice weekend, i felt it was compounded by many stressers that are making me overwhelmed and as brendan said "catastrophise" things – like when i panicked about using beef broth instead of chicken stock in the soup i was making.

zombie

tonight, that while i lay on my bed listening to the 'what if god was one of us', i thought about my first heartbreak in 1996. i was 16 and his name was neil. it was dramatic, and angsty, horribly unhealthy and really drawn-out. i was so unhappy but thought i loved him because he gave me a sense of belonging that i longed for. i had several different boyfriend, one after another until 2004. when my heart broke the most and i decided i'd had enough and that i'd rather go it alone than risk that kind of heartache again.

years later, i met a girl (a friend of a friend) with an ordinary name, who spelled it an unordinary way. she and her boyfriend had just split up. she told me that she was sure they'd get back together, she just couldn't imagine life without him. and i told her that not being able to imagine life without him didn't mean life without him wasn't possible. and that i also thought that i'd also thought that my boyfriend and i would get back together and we didn't. i think she was really surprised to hear that her feelings were not original, but were actually very common post-break-up.

i don't actually know what happened with her and her boyfriend. we never crossed paths again, but i don't think they got back together.

toot

sometimes parenting feels like this tiny person is just trying to push my buttons by doing all the things that stress me out in a matter of minutes.

while considering this, i realized that my feet is my most sensory sensitive body part. if my feet are hot, the rest of me feels overheated. if my feet get wet while walking through dewy grass, it bothers me for hours. stepping on things is overwhelming. stepping with things like dry couscous stuck to the bottom of my feel is extremely aggravating.

if i'm going to survive this age/stage of parenting with my mental state in tact, i'm going to have to loosen up a little and lower my expectations.

burnt perogies

yesterday was a tedious evening of parenting. eamon cried at the drop of a hat. anything and everything made him cry, even things he usually loves to do. my interesting observation about this, was that when he was upset, particularly by me telling him no, he would walk away crying, then take a u-turn so that he was crying towards me and wanting to be cuddled. this is one of the most curious things about humans, often times the people who hurt us most are also the ones we want to run to for comfort.

forward

i don't know if i mentioned this already, but i'm growing accustomed to brendan's new work schedule and i don't mind his evening shifts. i might even prefer it when he works til 11 than when he works til 8:20. it means those evenings are mine to do whatever i'd like. when he works til 8:20, i tend to wait til he gets home.

sometimes caring deeply about something or someone sucks. caring takes way more out of me and means i worry way more than i would if i didn't care. i think i'm worried because there's nothing i can do to fix it. no, that's not it. i'm worried because it's bleak.

i think i might be pmsing, because i'm feeling rather glum and pessimistic tonight. is it obvious? plus, éamon had a longer than usual freak out tonight, and his dadda wasn't here to help settle him (he settles better for brendan than me). that was added stress.

time to go sleep it off.

sangria

sometimes éamon freaks out for a couple minutes when we put him to bed, but it doesn't last long and it makes the peace that comes after it particularly pleasant.

i've been reading this book called "the VBAC handbook" that i found by searching on my ereader. it was published in 2007 compare to "the VBAC companion" which was published in 1997. it's a british book, which is good because in my opinion our healthcare system is more similar to the british national health service (socialist) than the american approach to healthcare (capitalist).

among other things (like re-reading my birth story, and talking about the experience openly), i'm already finding it helpful. helpful in the sense that i'm no longer blaming myself and i'm feeling less frustrated. in particular, there was a chapter on factors that increase the likeliness of a c-section, and of the 11 reasons listed, i had 9 – early arrival at the hospital, continuous fetal monitoring, induction, an epidural before 4 cm (i'd asked for gas but was turned down), not being able to eat, not being allowed to move around (the IV and fetal monitor stopped me from doing anything but standing still in one place, which was why i got the epidural because i was so tired and weak and i couldn't use any techniques to reduce the discomfort), time limits, not having continuity of care (because i was transferred to hospital care for the induction, i had 3 different nurses in a 20 hour period), and not having the care of midwives (my midwives were present for the pushing, but not the labour, and even then they couldn't participate only encourage and support). the only other contributing factors related to previous pregnancies so they didn't apply to me. so no wonder i ended up with a c-section.

i feel like i'm turning a corner with that. i feel relieved to learn that it wasn'tmy fault. it wasn't that i was of weak character, or that i was incompetent, or not up to it, or less than other women (which are all feelings i've struggled with). we got caught in a tornado of crappy circumstances, and it's hard to stop the spiral, especially when the possibility of a c-section isn't on your radar. it never occurred to me that i'd have a c-section, so didn't take preventative measures. if i can avoid some or all of these factors in the future, i'm better positioned for a successful VBAC next time. that said, there are always internal factors that can't be planned for, but i can strive to reduce external factors.

pink

i've been awfully hard on myself lately, but that's only because i'm trying to give an objective critique of myself. and when people critique themselves, they know their own performance much better than other people.

one area that needs work is my volume. now, i have difficulty regulating my volume at any given time, but it's that much more difficult when i'm excited or frustrated. i'm not so concerned about the excited side of things, but i'd like to express frustration without expressing volume. in my defense, sometimes i feel like i'm not heard unless i'm loud.

i have conjunctivitis. it sucks. it started last night in one eye, but has since spread to the other. thankfully, my left eye (the first one), seems to be improving, so i'm optimistic that the right eye will start getting better soon. i woke up this morning with my eyes glued together. needless to say, it's gross and sore.

flutterboard

it's starting to occur to me that i put a lot of pressure on myself. maybe not all the time, but i want things to be clear and straightforward pretty much all the time because i get stressed otherwise. i don't need to know how things are going to work out, but i struggle with uncertainty. i think this is a 'child of divorce' thing. both brendan and joy struggle with that too. but i think i'm getting tired of this need to come up with a solution. i just want to feel calm and peaceful about the future.

at the moment i'm struggling deciding if i should return to work full time and give up my half days on wednesdays. i love having those half days, but the extra money would be helpful, and i think it's helped my transition back to work, but at this point it may not be as necessary. i dunno. although, realistically, it's probably not up to me. i was only given til june before this arrangement is evaluated. so i guess if she wants me back full time i'll do it and get the extra money, and if she doesn't care i'll stick with my 36 hour schedule. i wish my heart could be as rational as my head sometimes.

dynamics

i don't know if i've mentioned this ever, or perhaps just lately, but my dad wasn't around much from ages 9 to 24. he moved out when i was 10, and our relationship was estranged and strained most of the time after that. there were several times when he came through for me in practical or present kind of ways, but we'd also go 6 months stretches of not hearing from him. i was angry and hurt not just that he chose to leave, but that he chose not to come back (even at times choosing to live out of his car rather than coming home to his house and his family who loved him). i didn't hid how i felt and would occasionally give him a piece of my mind about it, then he'd disappear for a long stretch and reappear later like everything was happy and normal. in my early 20s (maybe around 23), my parents finally divorced and with that, and the timing of me being a young independent adult, i was able to have closure on that.

one of my favourite parts of having him as part of my life (and by life i mean my daily life - he calls several times a day), is the balance he provides to my identity. my mom and sister are a lot a like. not in every way, but they like similar things and share similar values and views. it's easy to feel like the odd one out, or like there's something wrong with you when you like X over Y, and no one else can fathom why. my dad shares my taste in things and in general has a more open posture. he's curious and interested in the unknown. he has a more creative-thinking, outside-of-the-box kind of mind - he's rather unconventional. and so, many times, the things i like that my mom and sister don't get, he likes too. it's good to have him to balance that out and make me not feel like a weirdo.

that's probably the main thing i value about two-parent parenting. the balance of perspective. no doubt that's more difficult to negotiate if/when each side is speaking extremely conflicting messages. but on the whole, it still provides two perspectives. that said, i'm sure it's also difficult to negotiate when parents share bad behaviour or damaging outlooks. a little bit of diversity is good on the parenting front as well as everywhere else.

crumbs

we planted our fourth consecutive garden today. i'd have to say, it's quite lovely. i'm optimistic that it will be luscious all summer. i'm trying to get an outside spout installed, which will help make watering it easier.

it was also the most awkward planting experience. we've never had a crowd of spectators as we planted before. i felt like i needed to work faster because folks were waiting.

i like having the "mother's circle" group on facebook for asking questions. but sometimes i have to take the comments there with a grain of salt. some people take themselves too seriously.

where i'm at

i don't know if its the timing or if i've had one or more recent triggers, but i've been thinking a lot about my experience of giving birth to eamon. after sharing this past sunday in an interview about that experience, it's clear to me that the hurt and "trauma" and sorrow i feel is still super fresh. the physical scars heal much faster than the emotional ones. when he was first born, i thought a lot about it, trying to reconcile myself with how things went. telling myself that i had not failed, and asking brendan repeatedly for reassurance "you don't think it was that i was too weak or cowardly to do it, do you?" after months of attempts at positive thinking, i pretty much concluded "you'll do it next time" and tried to drop it.  

at some point in the last fortnight, it's dawned on me that i can't rely so heavily on my next birth experience to make up for my last birth. (ugh, i always feel a need to say this...) i'm not pregnant and i'm not trying to get pregnant. but i do want to have one more baby someday, and i think it would be prudent to have worked through "everything" before then so i can start fresh. sure, i'd like my next birth to be my dream birth experience, but if my last birth revealed anything its that regardless or desires and intentions, it's gonna happen how its gonna happen. birth is raw and primal and insane and unpredictable. which is why it's both beautiful and scary at once.

if anything, i don't know if i had enough respect for its feral nature. when i was pregnant, i'd say things like "i think it'll be fun!". thinking back now, i think i underestimated its force. it was fun as a spectator at my sister's births, which i guess was where i was getting that from. now i think it's more like those experiences i've had that have been super hard and i've border-line hated it at the time, but when i'm done and look back on it i think "that was amazing!"

i've started reading a collection of VBAC stories (it's ok, but had i been the editor i would've slashed a lot of the non-birth related stuff. the first story read too much like a blog and the woman seemed to share everything that came into her head). part of me wonders what i expect to get out of this book, but i suppose i'm enjoying reading atypical stories.

at this point, i kind of feel like i should set my expectations low for my next birth. the reality is, simply being awake will feel like a major step forward. ironically, last time i felt that because i desired to avoid interventions that would be enough - that i wouldn't need anything because i didn't want any. i don't know what i'd feel next time, but i know that desires are not enough.

anyway, i might reflect a lot on this for the next little while. it's all just part of the process of processing i guess.

globes

nancy and gerry are away so éamon and i went to walk their dog maisie this evening while b was at work. brendan's nana has been house sitting, but at 85 walking a fairly big dog is too much for her. i had a really nice visit with her. i like learning about people's lives, and for some reason older people's lives are particularly interesting to me. maybe it's because their lives are much longer, and therefore much fuller. i dunno.

i should really go tidy the kitchen, but i'm feeling lazy. it seems i waffle in between being super productive and super lazy. i just want to wear baggy clothes, tuck myself into bed and read my book. i might also make a cup of tea and some toast. messy kitchens be damned!

i love watermelon.

it's probably my favourite snack.

the problem is that they're kind of hit and miss. and you never know if you have a good one until you crack it open.

steps

well, it was a good day for landlording around here.

brendan and i picked up a washing machine for andrew and shannon for $45 from kijiji. it mostly fit in the back of our new car, but having a backseat passenger made it more difficult to fit (otherwise, it would've fit no problem). we did try to secure it with a bungie cord, but the guy we bought it from actually tied it together, and i think i would've done a more secure job. it nearly fell out at a stoplight on a hill, and i ended up hoping to the back seat and just holding it in for the rest of the way.

next, we went to rona to buy wood to rebuild our picnic table. it has a good sturdy metal frame, but the wood was rotten (growing mushrooms and everything). so we worked on that while éamon napped. it's nice having a baby monitor so we can do things outside during his naps. i'm looking forward to having visits and drinks with friends and neighbours – particularly on the nights that brendan is working because i feel more hindered those nights. drinks and chats sounds wonderful to me.

even though, or perhaps because, i had such a lovely and rewarding weekend, i feel ready to return to work tomorrow.

unfollow

after reading an online article about myers-briggs versions of hell, brendan and i had a brief discussion of what my worst nightmare is. his is super obvious and that article was very accurate. but it was much less clear for me.

i dunno, maybe i just don't have only one...

yes, being rendered incompetent would be bad, but i think that's because it's counter-intuitive for me.
and sure, having to overhear people criticising my choices, hobbies/artform, etc, would be awful, but i think anyone would hate that. AND i'm pretty sure after a few days of that i'd be like "screw it, i don't care what you think" and then rendered indifferent.

i'm inclined to think having to do ANYTHING over and over again for eternity would suffocate me.
i don't know if that's because my greatest fear is ACTUALLY being super boring or uninteresting.

or maybe that's not a fear but just an alarm that tells me i'm falling into a rut. *shrug*

riley

my jaw dropped this morning when i opened google news and saw the top story was about b.b. king. immediately my eyes started searching for specific words, and quickly caught "passed away", and knew it had finally happened.

before dating brendan, the loss of b.b. king would've been sad because he was a well-known, well-loved musician. not by me, but i knew his name and knew he was an icon. but since dating brendan, b.b. king is significant to me because i know what he means to brendan. i remember him saying to me years ago "everyone always associates me with eric clapton (for obvious reasons), but all i've ever wanted was to sound like b.b. king". he told me that he often thought about what he would write when someday b.b. king dies to articulate how he felt about him. personally, i'm quite intrigued to read that, if he does actually write it.

i haven't had the chance to talk to b yet about this news, no doubt by now he's heard about his passing.

brendan is someone who feels deeply about the people he admires. i often try to explain to friends, family and acquaintances "brendan loves... [insert any number of people]" but always find the word "love" isn't strong enough. shannon is similar, which isn't surprising because brendan and shannon have a lot of similarities. sometimes i feel one dimensional compared to them because they care so deeply and at most i care moderately. perhaps it's the idealist in them. i'm passionate in other ways (i think). hmmm. i know i get passionate about things, but can't think about what those things are. am i just drawing a blank because i'm trying to think of something?

well... i like that everyone is different. it's probably a good thing. not probably, it IS a good thing :p

yesterday, when i was cycling at lunch time, the wind was so strong that i didn't even have to peddle and i was still moving at a decent speed.

anything

i was listening to my itunes while i folded laundry this afternoon, and continued listening while éamon and i ate dinner. a song came on that i haven't listened to with regularity in quite some time. it took me back to 2007. and as i listened and i considered several things...

i thought about how music in my late twenties defined my life much more than it does today. i still like music very much. but i find that it's more one-off songs rather than whole albums getting under my skin. i kind of miss that.

i thought about my single days – pre-brendan, pre-éamon – and concluded that it's a shame that that time in my life was somewhat spoiled my a loneliness for a partner. i had a lot of flexibility, wonderful friends (and still do), my own apartment that i loved, a clear sense of self. it's really unfortunate that i struggled with worry about my future, struggled with my sense of belonging, struggled with my sense of value.

i thought about how music and/or alone-time are my thin spaces, and how i miss that. my head space, my heart space and my living space is too full with daily stuff to really inhale the sacred in the way i have in the past.

i suppose the reality is that a little bit of turmoil goes a long way with nurturing my spiritual health. i've been thinking with renewed frustration the last few days about my experience giving birth to éamon. how things did not go as we'd hoped. i'm still working that thru – the disappointment, the frustration, the confusion, the feelings of failure. i actually thought that i would know God's presence in the birthing process, but didn't. but maybe i'm supposed to find him in my discontent and longing instead.

pedals

this evening i've had a headache. i've been holding a bag of frozen cranberries to my head for the last 45 minutes. it's surprisingly soothing.

now that we've been night weaning for a week, everyone's been sleeping better, and i feel like we're starting to turn a corner. éamon's got his own room. i get a normal night's sleep. we'll soon be potty training and he'll be graduating to a toddler bed. it's exciting. i'd kind of forgotten that things wouldn't always be this way – nursing and diapers.

brendan was interviewed on the local news on sunday, and it aired tonight. he was talking about the M centre's farmer's market. pretty funny/neat.

ugh. i'm gonna take my headache and put myself to bed.

one last thing... i'm looking forward to my hair being longer again...

thistle

i really enjoyed cycling on my lunch breaks this week. i'm actually really surprised how physically capable i am. meaning, it's not a struggle or strain, but instead i can cycle quite fast and maintain the speed. i don't even care if i lose weight (although, that would be a nice bonus), it makes me feel healthy both physically and mentally.

sometimes at the end of my ride, i'm covered in mayflies. sometimes i hear them splatting against my helmet as i go down the hill toward the lake.

arrangement

it's always being said that people sleep better without a computer or device in their bedroom. if that is true, i find the difference very minimal.

now that we've been living in our newly adopted bedroom for 2 (going on 3) nights, i have to say, i super like it. i'd forgotten how much i like having my computer in my/our room. i've often found that i don't use my bedroom otherwise. it's nice hanging out on my bed – reading, watching movies, napping, chatting on the phone (to my dad mostly, he's the main person who calls a lot).

fresh start

well... sometimes i surprise myself.

this afternoon i moved a lot of furniture and managed to set up a room for éamon and a room for us. i'm super pleased with the outcome.

and now i'm super pooped.

off to bed for me!

either/or

i don't know if it's just me, but i've concluded that parenting is a bit of a crap-shoot. and no, i'm not referring to diapers.

i'll come up with (what seems to be) good ideas or approaches to things, and it seems completely random if it works out as desired or not. and then there are the things that worked yesterday and don't work today.

recent flops:
- "let's book a late night flight, so that he'll be sleeping by the time we board and he'll just sleep the whole time"
- "let's take the underground/DLR/tram"
- "these new baby-proofing locks will keep him out of these drawer"
- "i can make you an english muffin, dada says you always eat the whole thing"
- "the baby can sleep in our room til we eventually get a bigger house"

recent win:
- "let's get him some blueberries to eat during take off on our flight home"
- "let's look up the sign language for 'please' so he can ask politely instead of yelling at us"
- "i'll just take him with me to your show and i can leave early if he gets tired or freaks out"
- (he falls asleep in the car on the way to my mom's) "let's just lay him down in her spare room"
- "i got this sink caddy so he can't reach the dirty knives"

there are two recent wins that i'm particularly pleased with. i might even say i'm thrilled.
1) i got eamon some puddle jumpers for swimming. they're still a little big for him, but he did really well. he was actually SWIMMING - kicking his little legs to get where he wanted to go. it was amazing! i was a super proud momma at the pool.
2) after reaching a breaking point with eamon's sleeping, i moved our mattress onto the living room floor while brendan was at work last night. i've concluded that i can't sleep in the same room as eamon anymore for eamon's sake. i was sure that my presence was disturbing his sleep because he just wanted to nurse and knowing i was in the room but not nursing him would make him enraged. so anyway, i super enjoyed reading in bed (not something i'm usually able to do since the light is always off in our room when eamon is sleeping). BUT most significantly, HE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT! i realize this does not guarantee a win tonight, but it's a step in the right direction. we'll eventually move the bed into the den. i just don't think we'll have time until the weekend.

surprise

we've lived without a microwave for years, but recently we'd had a change of heart and decided it would be a useful asset. so we purchased probably the smallest one available (with the added bonus that it was on sale) with a canadian tire gift certificate. it's pretty little. you could probably get a way with calling it a fun cooker.

for two days now, i've enjoyed slightly heating some cranberry-orange loaf and baking a potato in less than 10 minutes. those are the only things i've used it for so far, but i'm pleased. i wish we had room for both the fun cooker and the toaster oven, but alas, we don't.

(i thought i posted this on friday)

i think i equally enjoy being productive and relaxing. this evening, i got a whole lot of housework done AND finished a book curled up on the couched under a blanket.

today was frank's last day of work. he's retiring after 40 years with the company. that's a crazy long time. i'm going to miss him, my good friend, colleague, mentor and grown-up advise giver. but i'm glad for him. this is a huge step and i think he'll be very happy retiring. it got my remembering how much i loved my mat leave. i'm quite convinced that there's nothing better than getting paid to stay at home and just live your life.

(i thought i posted this yesterday)

on friday i took my first bike ride of the season on my lunch break. except, i forgot to pump up my tires before putting my bike in the car. needless to say, it was an extremely difficult bike ride, but enjoyable nonetheless.

HI-larious

so josh sent me a link this evening to a video i'd made in 2006 that was posted on youtube. from there i found my youtube channel that i haven't uploaded to in 8 years. but the one video (one i made to give directions on how to find the door at the maxi pad). oddly enough, it's received over 750 views. i have NO IDEA why or how. it's almost a little creepy. well... i'm not worried, i don't live there anymore and that house has been completely re-done so that door entrance doesn't even exist, so it's not a danger or threat to anyone. but still... that's a bit strange.

aux

well... we got our new car today, so that concludes THAT whole ordeal.

it's a kia sportage, so we're calling it the sportaj mahal, after this guy :)

shuffle

i had a really nice evening with eamon while brendan was at work. i tried to mitigate challenges – like how he always dumps the cat's food into the water bowl, by leaving the water bowl empty for a little while. i also got him to help me with supper – i cut the brussel sprouts and he put them in the (empty) pot. this seemed to work really well.

this weekend, we should install some cupboard hooks so he can't open the doors. i think that will help too.

aside from that, it was a beautiful day, i enjoyed two nice walks, i'm enjoying my current book, i had a yummy supper and watched one episode of the americans with brendan. not a bad evening.

dragons

well, i've been home with a headcold today. i'm definitely feeling better, so i think i'm on the mend. i'm glad, because i know i have time sensitive things to deal with at work.

since yesterday evening, when i started feeling under the weather, i've been super impatient with éamon. i don't have a lot to offer him, and he's been rather demanding, per his age.

i'm starting to think it might be time to rearrange our living arrangement, so that he has his own room. this is a major sacrifice for me since i use our den A LOT. it's largely my space, and i really value it. but i also know i'd value éamon sleeping through the night and not waking frequently to nurse. i'm of the belief that he'd nurse less at night if i wasn't in the room, but it's really just a theory.

i tried to get some expert advise on weaning a toddler – because all the online advise on weaning is for mothers of young babies. i can't find anything about nursing a toddler, and i think weaning at this stage has it's own distinct set of challenges. but he just said that his objective is to help people nurse, not help them stop. and questioned why i even wanted to start weaning. which super annoyed me. i don't feel i should have to make a case for myself to get some good advise.

that said, i mostly want to stop because it's starting to become a negative experience. he screams and yells at me, he grabs at my body and freaks out when i say no, he won't soothe himself back to sleep at night (even though he can), his tantrums at night disrupt ALL of our sleep. i really feel we'd all be better off if we started to wrap it up.