iconically

well... to my complete annoyance, I got an email yesterday evening stating that our solar panel application has been terminated. it went on to explain that our representative didn't submit all the required papers. which was a bit weird because I signed off the last paper on Wednesday, and the next day they sent me this email. our local rep is very nice, but obviously inexperienced and unorganized. I'm really annoyed that we weren't told a deadline or sent a warning before they "terminated" it. I called the guy right away, and he was going to try to work it out and said he'd call me back, but hasn't yet. I guess i'll have to call the head office myself.

super annoy! I was excited about this, especially because it was going to help fund our wood stove!

renewable

forgive me if i've mentioned this before, but we're getting solar panels... for free!

we looked into this many years ago, but didn't proceed because that company wanted to pay us annually over 20 years, and it would work out to $36 a year. we concluded that wasn't that good of a deal.

BUT another company came by current house with a proposal for solar panels, and they're program includes payment upfront. so we thought that was a much better plan. so we've signed all the paperwork and they should be installed later this year.

one of the most exciting parks about this is that we're going to use the money to install a wood stove in our living room. the corner windows in our house look lovely, but are not very energy efficient. thankfully this winter wasn't really even that cold because it would've either been very chilly or very expensive. our living room ended up being the least used room during the winter because it was the coldest. i like the deep warmth that a wood stove gives.

i'm going to take the opportunity to redecorate that room. i'd like to paint it (colour yet to be decided) and get more colourful curtains. i'm not supposed to paint while i'm pregnant, and it makes sense to wait til after they make a massive hole in our wall. we have plaster walls and they chip easily when installing or hammering anything into them. we'll also need to install tiles on the wood floor.

funnily enough, all of this will probably happen in september, when we have a brand new baby. not the best timing, but at least i'll be home when they do the work. AND it's not like i'm installing anything myself.

the name game

I find choosing a name for someone a huge responsibility. it's something they're going to have to live with for the rest of their lives.

I like the name that we've chosen for our son. actually, I'm really very happy with it. I love the way all the names flow together. I love the meaning and significance of each name. I love the short-form for the first name, and how it sounds with our last name. I also like that it fits nicely with eamon's full name - they complement each other, like companion pieces. and isn't that what siblings are? companion pieces?

but often when I think it or say it out loud, it doesn't naturally roll off my tongue. especially compared to the name eamon. but then I have to remind myself, that there was a time that eamon was unfamiliar, and even felt forced to say. I even remember when he was first born, that I found that I was calling him "buddy" a lot, because it was more familiar, and I had to consciously remind myself to call him by his name (I didn't want him to think his name was buddy). AND while I was pregnant, we had doubts or second thoughts. I remember one night when we were lying in bed before falling asleep, we talked about different mean nicknames kids might come up with. I also felt hesitant because eamon could sound a lot like 'amen' - which is why I've started pronouncing that as aw-men.

all this said, my doubts are part of the process. especially since this type of decision is such a long term one.

I wish I could use the name more around the house when talking to b or eamon, so I could get used to it. but I'm worried that eamon might repeat it to someone else. although, he can't really pronounce it properly right now, so probably no one would understand him anyway :p 

shirley temples

i wish the weekend was just beginning instead of ending. I had a really nice weekend, and I want more of that.

on the way to work this morning, I puked all over my lap in the car. I had to turn around, drive home and change my clothes, then wipe up the steering wheel, etc. not a pleasant start to the day.

maybe things will only get better from here.

1lb mister

since before i got pregnant, i'd concluded that i wanted a girl next. i'd given it a lot of thought, and had concluded it was the best scenario for our family. so, not surprisingly, during the first half of my pregnancy, i was pretty convinced it was a girl. my instincts were right with every one of joy's pregnancies, so i have a good track record.

yesterday, we went for our ultrasound, and found that we're having a boy :) it was kind of not surprising, because when they were measuring his legs, there did seem to be a bit of a bulge there, but the technicians didn't say anything until the very end. that said, i was surprised that my instincts were wrong, but i did wonder all along if my preferences were clouding my judgement.

i didn't feel sad that our baby is a boy. but i did feel sad that it means that we'll never have a girl, since we're only planning on have two kids (and we're very firm on that). when we got home, we made the rounds of calling our family and emailed a few friends. but later, on our way to a dinner out to celebrate, i felt really emotional – i cried in the car and puked in the parking lot. the thought of two sons is overwhelming, and i don't think i have the energy or know-how to meet them where they're at. i feel scared about how to properly navigate boy issues, and i worry that as grown men they won't confide in me the way a daughter is more likely to. 

interestingly enough, my desire to have a daughter is a relatively new thing – only really surfaced in the last year or so. i've actually written blog entries in the past about why i want to have sons some day. i know there are plenty of great things about having sons, and perhaps with a little intentionality and a little "luck" the concerns i have won't really be an issue. i suppose it's often the stuff we don't expect to be an issue in life that blindsides us.

i'm feeling much more encouraged about the thought of two sons. i'm beyond delighted for them that they'll have each other, and i hope to really help foster a loving bond between them. and truth be told, i've always been more into boy stuff (minus sports) than girl stuff (was never into princesses, pink, etc). so i'm probably better suited to raising sons. plus, i read this interesting article yesterday on babble.com called "boys will be boys until we teach them to be more", which really makes me feel empowered as a parent that i don't just have to let them be hooligans.

probably the best thing is that within 24 hours we went from not having a clue about a name, to identifying and agreeing on a full name (first and middle names). so that's exciting.

i'm really glad we found out the sex. i wouldn't want to feel grief over never having a daughter when i'm meeting my son for the first time. which is in approximately 19 weeks! i'm looking forward to it :)

waiting

I have 65 channels on this hotel tv, and there's nothing on! so annoying. I'm trying to kill time before the conference starts. 20 minutes isn't really enough to do anything, but too many to do nothing.

Sent from my iPod

independent lesley

I'm on the train heading up to Toronto for a few days. listening to my iPod and looking out the window. it's nice, but I miss my b and eamon. but I'll enjoy this sojourn of independence. it reminds me of my single days. my headspace has more breathing room. I honestly can't tell you the last time I just sat and listened to my iPod. probably my last business trip to Phoenix in 2013. funny how being alone feels like a lighter, less complicated version of myself. perhaps funny because it never felt that way before, when I was single.

I hope I enjoy these days away. it's nice to have a break from my work routine. I hope everything with this conference goes well. I'm not a confident event planner, but I think I remembered everything. I'm also meeting my new boss. not exactly sure what my hopes are for that, other than hoping it doesn't go badly.

just leaving cobourg now. just over an hour left.

Sent from my iPod

just a tuesday night

i just simultaneously barfed up all my supper and peed my pants. the barf got everywhere. the barfing was so bad that i didn't even notice that i'd peed my pants until i was trying to take off my barf covered clothes. brendan is working in napanee. so i'm having to clean up, strip the bed, and take care of eamon. i'll have to have a shower when he goes to bed to wash the barf out of my hair.

the midwives said there would be more of everything this time. so far that's true...

growing up

I'm super grateful that I was able to connect with several different friends last week. it really helps me feel more like myself, and like life is more interesting :)

I suppose life is kinetic, and we have to expect that as it changes and situations evolve that it will take time to adjust. my latest adjustment is changes in eamon. after nearly 3 months of morning sickness, he got used to having brendan do a lot of the hands-on parenting stuff. and now that I'm more able, he expresses a firm preference for daddy taking care of him. if I offer to brush his teeth or read him books, he'll say "no! daddy". for a while there I just went a long with it, but now it's starting to bother me. it's making me question myself and his value of me. and perhaps the thing that surprises and troubles me about this is that I take it personally, and feel like withdrawing from him. this is definitely a pattern of mine in life. when I feel undervalued or un-enjoyed, I will withdraw from those involved before i'm excluded further or hurt. BUT I can't withdraw from my kid, nor do I want to. so now is the time for me to learn some maturity and how to navigate relationships changes in a healthy and productive way. I didn't actually expect to experience this with my toddler, but its a relationship, so I suppose it makes sense.

I think what i'll do is join in his bedtime routine so he gets used to my involvement there again, then eventually Brendan and I can take turns.

organized

eamon and I go grocery shopping every Saturday morning. I like this routine. taking him with me always makes that chore so much more fun. this week, when we got home and as Brendan put the groceries away, I spent some time cutting up veggies, and packing small containers with veggies or peanuts. it's been really handy! when I'm hungry, it's ready to eat, and when I packed my lunch for work, I just had to grab and container and go. no spending extra time when I don't have any. I hope I can make a habit of this. it's worth doing. it's only about 15 minutes, but it will really impact how my week unfolds :)

and counting

I've been working hard and intentionally on managing my weight during this pregnancy, and so far, I'm pretty much on track with the recommended amount - gaining 6 pounds over 19 weeks. our midwife susan gave me some simple recommendations yesterday that I will give a try. she said a lot of women think they're eating healthy, but are taking in a lot of sugar via fruit, juice and white food (like rice, pasta and bread). so we're going to switch to brown bread and pasta (which I have done before, but had kind of gotten out of the habit of), but b said no to brown rice, and I think that's a fine compromise. I do prefer white rice myself.

so today I looked up a bunch of easy healthy snacks to bring to work instead of fruit, and will attempt to pre-prep snacks to be available for easy grabs. I think this will be a good practice to get into for when eamon is bigger and starts getting his own snacks (although, he already helps himself to yogurt and crackers when he's hungry).

all that said... in light of some semi-depressing news at work today, I kind of want to go out and feast on useless and regretful candy. but I know that wouldn't help anything. I learned today that after 6+ years, emma will no longer be my boss starting in may at some point. I'm finding myself in the scenario I did not want - my least preferred option - and wondering why the heck things are unfolding this way. I guess i'll just have to do my best at making the best of the situation despite disappointments.

memory making

i grew up in a 1960s bungalow, not unsimilar to our current house. actually, when imagining the house we were going to live in for the next 30 years, i often thought of my childhood home. i felt it served us well and adapted to our changing needs over the decades, and i wanted a house that could do that.

the one problem point about the collins bay bungalow seemed to be the bathroom. i didn't have any problems with it. it suited my needs just fine, but i have distinct memories of my mom saying "this bathroom is too small for 3 people and a dog!" and on weekday mornings, i can hear her saying just that when, all three of us crowd in our bathroom (that has roughly 6 sq feet of floor space - including the spot for the kitty litter takes up). i am late just about EVERY morning, so I'm getting ready while Brendan's getting in the shower. and eamon refuses to stand outside the open door - he feels he MUST be inside the room with us. it is cramped. but this is one of those temporary things that will be resolved if we wait long enough. eventually eamon won't want to be near his half-naked parents, and perhaps someday i'll learn to be on time.

progress report

you might recall that I decided, a few months ago, that it was time for an overhaul of my eating habits. 3+ months into my new approach, I'd have to say that I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I'm not really denying myself stuff, but recognizing that 'treats' are only 'treats' when they are infrequent and not enjoyed every day. I'm actually quite pleased. I can tell I'm making progress because my first instinct is not a junkfood snack, where in the past it often was. I think the reality is that junkfood is more convenient, and is often ready to eat, while more healthy foods can take time to prepare. so poor eating it's kind of the result of laziness more than anything else.

unfortunately, as my baby belly swells, it's difficult to see a real difference as a result of my lifestyle adjustments. sometimes I even forget that I'm pregnant, and just feel like I have a big, growing belly. BUT my chiropractor has twice gone on and on about how healthy I look, and has told me I shouldn't worry about my weight. so I must be doing something right.

monkeys on the bed

ben and meg gave us audrey's old crib/toddler bed last night. they got her a twin sized bed with lots of storage underneath. we've been needing a toddler bed for eamon. we got it set up in his room last night, and even had some new toddler bedding that we bought several months ago (but didn't get around to actually putting on his crib). the plan is to get him used to the new bed (sitting on it, playing on it, maybe even napping in it) before he moves into it officially. however, we did give him the choice last night of which bed he wanted to sleep in, and he chose his crib.

I'd like to get him settled in the toddler bed long before the baby is born so that he doesn't associate the crib at his anymore. we've told him that the crib will be for the baby, and while he seems to understand that, he made a bit of a confused face because he obviously thought they were both going to be sleeping in it :p

it feels a little early to be setting up that room for baby number 2, but it's more about acclimatizing eamon - who took about 4 months to finally adjust to sleeping in his new room after the move.

blasé

i think my iron levels are really low. I've been really weak lately and have shortness of breath. it only really occurred to me that I should be mindful to eat iron rich foods to address it. so I had a double yolked hard boild egg this morning. my dad gets these double yolked eggs and thinks they're the best. he was given extra this month, so he gave some to us. I have to admit, I don't really see what's so special about them. they complicate baking, etc. but I suppose the two yolks will be good for me today. i'm also rather puzzled about how they get produced.

in addition to feeling weak and tired, i'm feeling a bit emotionally low. i'm feeling lonely and a bit disconnected from friends. I know this happens every once and a while, and I shouldn't be alarmed, but I hope to have a meaningful connection soon.

i was pretty disappointed to wake up to see a layer of snow on the ground this morning. when eamon got up later he said "it snowed? stop it snow!". my feelings exactly. we got our snow tires off last week, and there was a noticeable difference driving on the snowy roads this morning. even the light layer of snow made the roads slick.

improve

i found out the other day that i weigh the same as my dad, and that bummed me out. i think it's been making me extra critical of my appearance. i know that i'm pregnant, but at this point, it's not pregnancy weight. its just poor judgment weight that i gained in the fall from not exercising and eating too much.

on a more encouraging side, i know that i'm developing better, more sustainable eating habits. and on the whole, i'm getting more active again. so i feel like i'm making better habits that will benefit me in the months and years to come. and the fact that i'm feeling self-conscious, will probably motivate me to keep on track. i'm sure i didn't get as much exercise during my holidays, but i wasn't too concerned about it because i wasn't just sitting around all day.

it's hard to learn new habits, but i'll get there. i'm doing well with improving my posture, and it's only been a few weeks.

practical

well, I'm finished my vacation and back in routine.

yesterday, I was feeling quite rested and didn't dread the thought of returning to work because it had been a nice holiday and one that I felt satisfied by. it's a good feeling when you reach the end of your vacation and you're not upset about it.

recently I bought some new rubber boots. I loved my last pair of boots and was super bummed when they got a big hole in them. i would've liked to find a pair of boots that i loved equally as much, but i was under some pressure when i was boot shopping because we were heading into a week of lots of rain. the ones i bought were blue, and had this buckle on them that i took off, I'm not really a fan of buckles on boots. wearing them made me a little sad and it made me miss my old ones even more. BUT they're starting to grow on me. they're just very industrial. so when i worked in the backyard last week getting it organized, or went out in the mud with eamon, i found they really suited the functional nature of rubber boots better than my old ones. they remind me of princess Diana for some strange reason (i'm not really one to follow royals). despite that, this image comes to mind. i'm looking forward to more messy days in the mud with my blue boots.

grown-up vacation

i'm on vacation this week, and couldn't be happier about it. the last two months of work have been unpleasant, and having this time to relax, be at home, get stuff done, and sleep past 5:30 has been really good for me. it's a nice reminder that there's more to life than my work routine.

we decided this year, in lieu of a vacation abroad that we would do some modifications to our house. we've lived here 6 months now and have identified a few things that need modifying to suit our needs better. as much as we love our adventuring trips, we knew we couldn't do both – house stuff and trip stuff. and we just couldn't rationalize spending the equivalent of these house changes on just a week vacation during which we have to struggle with eamon's sleep routine.

so instead, i've scheduled all the work for this week off. yesterday we got a new dryer. the dryer that came with the house was so old, that i'm pretty sure we had the same one in my childhood home, and even then it was old. while it was impressive that it was still running, it would take forever to dry things. it would sometimes take us up to 3 days to get our laundry done (not running that whole time, but we'd forget to check on it and when we did, it was still damp, so we'd have to turn it on for another cycle).

one surprising bonus to getting a new dryer, is that we had to organize our storage room to create space for the old dryer to get removed and the new dryer be installed. it only took a couple hours, but we finally got that space organized. we have shelves for our camping stuff, and shelves for our baby stuff. shelves for tools and shelves for out of season clothes. it was really excited about it. 

this vacation is turning out to be very rewarding :)

mending mistakes

i've been thinking a lot about decision-making since a conversation with a friend last night. I am not a great decision maker. I belly-ache to no end about which option will be better, be safer, or more fruitful. and it's tough. I prefer when stuff just happens and I have to rise to the occasion, whatever it is.

I've made some bad decisions in my life. some things had a short impact, while other things had a longer lasting negative impact. I think we're all likely to make bad decisions from time to time. what I've concluded is that it's not a matter of IF we make bad decisions or not, but instead, how we respond when we find ourselves in a difficult situation as a result of a decision we made.

we can blame external factors - point fingers and demand sympathy or support from others*. or we can own it. take responsibility, choose to do things differently to what we did in the first place, and make amends (financially, relationally, emotionally, punctually). I feel like owning it is really the best way to redeem our situations.

*needing support from others is understandable. as the song goes "I get by with a little help from my friends". but we've got to put in most of the grunt work ourselves if we're really going to own the problem. it's not fair to ask more of others than we expect from ourselves. i guess it's a boundaries thing. my crap is my crap, and i can't spread it around and make it other people's crap :p

sometimes i struggle to give sympathy to others and that has damaged relationships in my life. it can be embarrassing, even regretful. but I know this... I'm much more effective at demonstrating sympathy when it's not expected or demanded. it's probably that emotional dance that bren is always talking about. as one dancer moves towards its partner, the partner moves further away. but I digress.

let's all just face our decisions with fortitude, and see where that takes us.

grieving the goat

now that the goat is closed, I've been spending a lot of time over the last few days feeling a mix of anger and sadness. I think the anger has often lessened my feelings of sadness, but ultimately I'm angry because I'm sad. sometimes I find myself just sitting staring, thinking about the goat. I feel like I'm grieving a friend. in a way, I feel silly about it, but like many other people, the goat was a significant place for me.

brendan and I went out for indian food the other night and left eamon with his nana and papa. we spent much of our time reminiscing about the goat. on our first/accidental date, we ended up at the goat. I remember distinctly sitting across from him and talking, feeling like that level of eye contact was making me surprisingly uncomfortable because it was so intimate.

but in addition to Brendan, I had loads of meaningful experiences with friends there. I had my first friendship date with rach there, and that's where jill and I started planning our trip to peru. I bumped into jonni revell there and he helped me exchange some boots at A-1 clothing after I bought the wrong size (and it was a final sale). I bumped into the erbs when they were out while the girls were on a playdate. it was one of our first real conversations and it was really deep and meaningful. I bumped into bren while she was out with her friend amy. on one of beckie's visits to kingston, we went there twice in one day. I remember being there with shanno celebrating andrew's birthday and seeing a drawing on the wall that looked exactly like Brendan (this was before we were dating) and she told me "all the girls who work at the goat have a crush on Brendan".

the goat was a significant coming of age space for me. melinda and I used to go there as teenagers, but then stopped for a number of years (we didn't really know why, we just didn't), but then we started going there again in our early 20s, and it suddenly became our go-to place. I loved that it was everyone else's go-to place, and chances were high that I'd bump into someone I know there.

on Saturday, I passed by when they were selling all their wares. it was super depressing. the garage door was open and I could smell it. I could smell the goat and it was right there, but it wasn't. I'm angry. I feel like we've been robbed. I wish this hadn't happened.

ah! sunshine!

daylight savings time is the BEST.

i wish we were on this time zone year round.

sure, we lose an hour with the time change, but that didn't really affect us here, because eamon just slept an hour longer, which was super nice.

and sure, it will be dark when i leave the house for work again, but i really don't mind because the extra hours of daylight on the other end are totally worth it. AND we still don't have proper blinds in our bedroom, so it means on weekends the sun doesn't stream in when i'm trying to sleep later than 5:30.

hip hip hooray for daylight savings time!

speaking ill of the dying

without a doubt, I'm going to miss the sleepless goat. BUT I'm hoping that the end of the goat era might be an opportunity for another, more well run boho café-restaurant will open. kingston didn't really have room for two. I think it's fair to say that the goat was a hole in the wall that people loved for nostalgia and the casual environment, but not for the run-down, slightly gross bathrooms and rag-tag kinda-falling-apart atmosphere.

the sad and frustrating thing to me about it's closure is that ultimately (I think) it was due to the idealistic co-op approach to business. at one point, there was one owner who probably knew what he was doing, but over the years, the revolving door brought in all sorts of co-op co-owners; some of which had no cooking experience and others had no business experience, and there's a big chance that many had neither (granted, not everyone). you can't run a successful business if the majority don't know what they're doing. a few years ago, they had a fundraiser to 'save the goat'. I said to b "what kind of business runs a fundraiser?" and he said "a poorly run one". that's really not a sustainable business model.

it's not that they didn't have a dedicated customer base. people LOVE the goat. I'm disappointed that a Kingston institution was basically run into the ground. sure, there are external factors, and I'm sure the big-dig road construction didn't help, but a 24 year old business should be able to endure such events. you know... I bet they could've sold the business rather than close it. that place has lots of name recognition and would've been a good buy.  

anyway... I've been to the wild oat in ottawa several times. it's well run, it's organized, the food is good and it feels like it would pass a close examination by a health inspector. I hope something more like that pops up in k-town in the next few months or years.

inconvenient lady

you know... despite this current, progressive age, I still find that people are uncomfortable with an informed and assertive woman.

I am a capable woman, and I have very little patience for incompetence. I'm not going to put up with people farting around, especially when it wastes my time. I take others seriously, and I expect them to take me seriously in return.

I don't really know why people don't know how to interact with me. when brendan and I are at a store, ordering home improvement stuff, they still assume that he's the one to address, when I'm the one who has dreamt up the idea and worked out all the details. there's usually a lot of mansplaining going on, until they realize I'm informed, and after that they try to keep their distance. they still assistance me and are pleasant about it, but they obviously want to get the interaction over with.

maybe I'm unintentionally rude and don't realize it. brendan tells me that some people are uncomfortable with untraditional women. maybe that's part of it, but if it is, I think it's time they do a little adapting.

second

I had my second adjustment at the chiropractor on Saturday, and I felt I responded to it better this time. I wasn't sore afterwards and I actually felt looser. I liked how she explained it as reminding the body about the full range of motion after years of the body getting used to a more limited range.

today when I got dressed I had a noticeable baby bump! it might have been because I decided it was time to wear maternity pants, and suddenly I have a baby belly :) I've heard some people say they popped right away with their second pregnancy. but i was a couple pant sizes bigger between pregnancies, so I didn't actually find that I started showing any sooner than last time.

on the weekend I bought a maternity swimsuit with some belated birthday money from Brendan's nana. I think she gave me more than usual because she felt badly about forgetting my birthday in December. but it worked out because I didn't want to buy a brand new maternity swimsuit, but couldn't keep wearing my regular swimsuit. we stopped by thyme maternity while we were out doing other errands, so both b and eamon were waiting for me. the store always have this faux bump to strap on under your clothes to see how you'd look in a few months. when I pulled open the curtain with my fake belly, eamon yelled out "baby!" I know he doesn't fully understand the whole situation, but I was impressed that he knew there was a baby in there. later we tried to explain that when the baby is born, it will join our family. he didn't look particularly happy about that, and said with mild disgust "why?" :p

outside

yesterday, eamon played outside in the backyard by himself for the first time! he played before lunch and then again after his nap. it was really nice! he really enjoyed himself, and it was really nice for us to get lunch and supper ready without him shadowing every movement or getting into mischief. I'm pleased. I'm looking forward to more of this. having a backyard (with a fence) is really nice :)

just last week, I was telling bren that people don't use our park very much in the winter. but since then, I've seen people skating in the park! we don't even have a city rink, but enough water has frozen around the park that people can skate (if they clear it with a shovel first). it was really neat! I felt really excited to see that. when I was a kid, our backyard used to freeze into a natural rink and we'd spend hours on there skating. so I'm happy to see this little community rink :)

bones

i had my first adjustment at the chiropractor's yesterday. she did 4 adjustments in total. 3 out of 4 went very well, but one of the adjustments on my pelvis did not budge at all. this is very intriguing and could be related to why eamon got stuck. since my pelvis did not adjust, it could be an indication that it didn't flex as it should while I was in labour. we're going to keep working on it. I'm going back in tomorrow. once we start making some progress, I can go in less frequently. she'd found beforehand that everything with my pelvis appeared to be aligned and normal, but perhaps it's not sitting quite right.

being adjusted by a chiropractor is a bit of a weird experience. it's definitely not gentle like physio or massage therapy. she was literally slamming into me, all the while assuring me it was fine and regular. each time I'd let out a bit of an "uuuh" sound. I'm hoping i'll start to acquire a taste for it, and get a sense of relief from it. I didn't feel badly afterwards, although I was a little sore, like I'd been roughhoused and in a way I was :p

begin again

one of the most defining factors of my 20s was my osap debt. and when I finally got that paid off, I could not have been more relieved. here... read for yourself my blog entry from September 2009. there is truly a sense of earnestness to my words. and that state of euphoria made me NEVER want to go back.

when we decided that it was a good idea for Brendan to go back to school in 2011, we came up with a plan that allowed us to pay for it upfront and avoid needing to take on a loan to pay for it. b has never been in debt, but he's very financially prudent, so he shares my dedication to avoiding taking on debt. we were very pleased that we managed to get it all worked out well without financial aid. so when our car died unexpectedly last year, we were facing the decision of getting a older or smaller car, which would allow us to pay with cash, but probably wouldn't be very dependable. OR do we get a newer, bigger car and apply for financing. thankfully, my mom was able to offer us an interest free loan.

at first I was reluctant. she helped me pay for my first car - a 1987 VW jetta that caused me constant trouble. it was $3,000 in 1999 and I don't think I ever finished paying her back. I felt badly about that, and didn't want her to feel obligated to offer to lend us the money. but when I brought up that past experience, she simply said "that was a long time ago, you've matured and you're good with your money now". so we accepted. we got to decide on the payment terms and chose to be really aggressive with our payments.

I'm telling you all this because... TODAY WE MADE OUR LAST CAR PAYMENT! (less than a year later!!!) HHHOOOOOOOORRRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we're so relieved. sometimes paying for the car has been a huge frustration and it's been a difficult financial addition to buying a new house. but we were disciplined and managed to meet all our financial commitments. instead, we've had to do without things we want, but thankfully we've never had to do without things we needs. sadly, we won't be taking a trip this year, which is a total bummer. BUT we can't have everything, and as much as I love traveling, being debt free is more important to me, so it a sacrifice worth making.

I share this a bit reluctantly - I don't want it to seem like a humble brag. sure, I am very proud of us, but that's not the motivation. I'm just so happy and feel so liberated, and I wanted to do something to mark this achievement. besides, I think money is too much of a taboo these days, and I prefer to talk openly about it. let's demystify it a little :)

here's to our sportaj mahal... long may you run!

p.s. I only just realized that my first car was older than my husband :p hahaha

bumps, eyes and faces

a little while ago, i noticed that i had a white bump on my skin close to my left eye. it looked a little like a white head, but it didn't go away. i remembered that my old housemate used to have that, so didn't think much of it. then a few month later, another one appeared in a much more prominent place on my face, and i decided i wanted to do something about it.

after googling it, i found (not surprisingly) that it can be treated with tea tree oil. i've used that to treat other skin stuff, so this made sense to me. so i dabbed a little on each bump, but i found on the one closer to my eye, that the fumes from the oil agitated my eye, or maybe even seeped into it a little, so i decided not to treat that one. the other one disappeared in about 10 days :) it's been a little while now, and i decided i wanted to do something about the other one. so i started dabbing the q-tip to remove any excess tea tree oil before applying it to my face, and that helped keep it contained. i'm pleased that after about a week, i'm starting to see results. and what previously looked like a white head, has been diminished to a pink bump and i'm sure it will be gone in a few days.

tea tree oil is good stuff. it's super potent and mildly dangerous, but if used moderately or diluted, it's very useful!

adjusted

yesterday I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever. I'd never had a reason to go before, but my midwife recommended it. It can reduce the risk of C-section, and I'd really like to avoid a repeat. and since I have coverage through work, I thought I'd give it a go.

it was REALLY interesting. for my initial visit, I didn't get adjusted, but we just talked about my history. this is a chiropractor that specializes in prenatal care, so she was very knowledgeable about birth in Kingston and her clinic was filled with birth related stuff (baby name books, posters for the mother's circle, etc). I mentioned in my intake survey that I've been having lower back aches since September. and when we were chatting, I mentioned that my posture has been an issue for me. I stood up to show her how my butt slopes and before I said anything she said "wow, that's really tucked in there! we can do something about that".

I had to get into a gown and shorts. she mentioned that I needed to put my hair up, but I couldn't find an elastic in my bag and they didn't have a spare one available. so I put my toque on and tucked my hair up inside it. as I waited with my hat, gown, socks pulled up and pink slippers they provided, I thought I looked like an escaped hospital patient.

it was amazing really because when she looked at my back, she said "oh yes, there's a whole lot of posture stuff going on" and pointed out how my lower back was really compressed. she asked "do you have bad menstrual cramps?" I told her yes, and that my labour pains started in my back. She said "ah, that's probably why they thought your baby was posterior". how neat! it's all connected. it turns out that my right leg is shorter than my left leg, and it's actually slightly smaller (my calf muscles are more narrow). it turns out that my sister and dad also see a chiropractor because one leg is shorter than the other. so maybe it's genetic!

I'm looking forward to my first adjustment next week. I'm excited about getting help with my posture. it's also good to be reminded and motivated to correct it. once I bought this back support thing for my computer chair at work and still use it. our chairs are supposedly high-end ergonomic chairs, but I got this back support thing mostly to keep me sitting upright rather than slouching back, which is what I do without it.

I feel like this experience will be worth it, even if she finds my pelvis is fine (which was her initial impression). she also told me, that since I made it all the way to 10 cm and pushed for 4 hours last time, that this time, when I reach 10 cm, I'm going to feel a lot of trepidation and fear. she encouraged me to share those fears with my midwives and to face them. that's interesting insight, and a good possibility. I've kind of expected that to feel trepidation before that. I'm worried that there will be factors stopping me from reaching 10 cm. but when I finally get there, i'll feel like "ok... let's do this thing!". I've been told by many folks present (and even nancy who wasn't there, but heard nurses talking about me afterwards) that I'm a good pusher. and if I can do it based on instinct rather than from will-power (because of my interventions), I think i'll push even harder. so we'll see.

sever

on my drive home from work today, in my manual car, i suddenly remembered a dream i had last night that my feet were amputated. it was the weirdest timing, since i was using my feet a lot to drive – brake, clutch, gas. after i remembered i felt keenly aware of my feet. it was interesting, because in the dream i remember thinking about how they were there, and then after the surgery they were gone. i have no idea why they were amputated. that didn't seem to be part of it.

i'll have to look up what that means.

tunes

I've been complaining to Brendan lately that there's nothing good on the radio these days. cbc radio sonica, which I usually love, has been playing a stream of songs that don't interest me at all. they all blend together as the same bland song. except for one. I really like the new jim Bryson song, so when that comes on I perk up. however, I think I've concluded this is a good thing. when I was pregnant, I listened to 'of monsters and men' a lot in my first trimester, and ever since, whenever I hear them, I feel nauseous. so at least no good music has been ruined for me this time. but it would really nice to listen to a bunch of good songs.

funnily enough, when I drove home during a white-out a few weeks ago, the radio was playing hit after hit. that was the best part of that drive home. it made it manageable. music goes a long way with making me feel invigorated. I need that right now.

sweetest

brendan is pretty good at responding when I'm gagging and about to throw up. unfortunately, he learned the hard way that I will barf all over the floor if I don't have a bucket. usually a glass of water really helps my barf-impulse to pass, and he will bring me one when I need it. a few weeks ago, I threw up because I changed eamon's poopy diaper while Brendan was out (since them I have to cover my face with a shirt). eamon followed me to the washroom, and stood behind me as I heaved into the toilet saying "water, momma? water?" I thought that was very sweet, but said "it's ok, buddy, it's ok". once I was done and started to get my bearings again, I found that he'd brought me my cup of tea from the kitchen table and left it on the bathroom sink.

quotes

I barfed up all my breakfast before I left for work this morning. so I had a second breakfast when I arrived. I'm looking forward to this being behind me. I'm sure Brendan is too :p

I've been busy landlording lately - planning renos and arranging service calls. I really enjoy it. I think it's because there's a creative element to figuring out such things, as well as a challenge to working out logistics, etc. it helps that we have good tenants, and the funds to do such upgrades. that's one advantage to not getting laid off.

up and running

well, after nearly three months... I FINALLY got my design software reinstalled on my computer. it has been a HUGE pain. this is the kind of thing I would have a nightmare about - being made to work even though my employer wipes my computer and neglects to keep my work tools. argh!

I'm just glad that it's resolved.

one of the most annoying things about it, is that no one said "we're so sorry. obviously we made a mistake". an apology and empathy goes a long way to making me feel better. I'm surprised at the number of people who don't offer that olive branch. I know it doesn't fix anything, but it's comforting and re-instills trust.

beginning and ending

well... i'm happy to say that my weeks of sickness and exhaustion is the result of a little bouncing baby. we had an ultrasound this morning, which confirmed my positive pregnancy test. the baby is 6 cm big, and appears to be perfectly formed :) at one point, with the 4D view, it looked like the baby was dancing! it was very neat, and it got a little tear-eyed. partly from joy, and partly from relief. seeing that little baby made all my nausea and barfing worth it.

so now all I need is to find out if I'm getting laid off or not. if i do, that's fine. I'd get a severance package up until the start of my mat leave. and I'd really enjoy spending my time parenting and volunteering. but that might not happen. so if not, hopefully they'd slot me into a spot that i like for the next 6 months.

february feeling

lately i feel like i've lost a bit of my sense of self. by the time evening comes, i'm not sure what to do with myself. it's like i've forgotten what i used to do with my spare time. i've been so sick and so tired lately, that i've been going to be really early since the beginning of january. that's my new normal. it's just weird to me because when i find myself with free time, i feel at loose ends, and i just stand around wondering what to do with myself. that sort of thing has only happened to me after big life changes. so it's odd that i'm experiencing it now. i suspect that winter is part of it. i feel cooped up indoors a lot, and have little energy or ability to try anything different. even my latest crochet project has been a bit of a flop. geez, as i see this in writing, it seems like i'm depressed, but i'm not.

weather weather

well, that was a harrowing drive into work this morning. after friday's drive home in a white out, I thought the drive in today would be easy. it wasn't. I don't really know why I put myself through that white-knuckling drive. I'm glad we have snow tires though. but I miss our 4-wheel drive that we had in the crv. but I stayed on the road, which is more than others can say.

things are still up in the air. I should hear in the next week or two if I have a job or not. it's hard to stay engaged in the meantime.

pitas

my dad babysat for me last night so I could go to the ash wednesday service at next. it's been long in coming, but he and eamon are really starting to bond. it's really lovely to see eamon laugh and squeal and run around in excitement when he sees granddad arrive out front. it's lovely seeing them read together, watch youtube videos of fleetwood mac and the eagels, and hug good night.

i remember when joelle was a little toddler, she couldn't say "granddad" and it just came out as "dad!". eamon does that too.

it's really nice for both of them to connect, and in turn it's nice for me to see.

it's a waiting game

after an announcement yesterday, i'm currently waiting to find out if i'm getting laid off as a result of restructuring.

i'll keep you posted...

(i'm not worried either way, whatever will be will be)

henna patterns

i'm generally pretty reluctant to jump on bandwagons with trends. i dunno. i think it comes down to checking my motives, and if it's just because i feel pulled to join the crowd then i try to steer clear. but yesterday, i bought myself an adult colouring book. it felt like a funny thing to buy myself, which is why it took so long for me to do it. BUT not only did i enjoy colouring as a kid, i basically coloured my way through college with draft layouts, etc. so this hobby actually fits with me as an individual pretty well.

in college, we were given a list of supplies that we would need to get at wallacks. it included this expensive box of pencil crayons. after a semester or two, it became clear that they were crappy penceil crayons, they would break really easily and the colour of the lead did not match the colour of paint on the outside. so i got a less expensive set, which served me much better. unfortunately, i can't find my cheap set, and have been stuck with the expensive ones that are less good.

i'm finding it a bit annoying that once i colour a shape, i can't change it to another colour if i don't like how it looks. in illustrator, i can change the colour an endless amount of time. so i'm going to have to think it through a bit more thoroughly than i did initially.

stuff I'm objectively good at

I had my yearly evaluation the other day. it went very well. I must say, that despite how I feel or what i'm experiencing in life at any given time, I know that I'm good at my job. and I like that. I like having things that I know I can depend on doing well.

I have a few guarantees...

1) i'm good at tracing stuff in adobe illustrator

2) in super mario bros 3, i'm good at stomping on the koopa in the castle

these are the things I can do well, confidently with peace of mind. they might not be the most practical (well, the illustrator thing is a good skill for a graphic designer, but it doesn't give me much cred outside that sphere). pretty much everything else I do, i have to hope for the best. generally, life is a crap shoot for me. i know this, and I'm pretty well adjusted about it.

BUT consistently exceeding expectations as an employee is good. it's nice to have that to depend on.

early night

last night, brendan and i went to bed at around 8:45. we got in from an evening at b's mom's place, put eamon to bed, collapsed on our bed, then decided to just given in to sleep. i woke up well rested, but i also woke several times in the night. apparently my body thought it was just a nap. early nights have definitely been part of my winter this year.

artificial ice

despite the unseasonably warm weather yesterday, we three lorimers went skating yesterday. both eamon and I got skates for Christmas and we were keen to try them out. brendan doesn't currently have skates, but that worked out fine, because he was able to support eamon as they circled the rink.

its been a while since I went skating. the last time was 5 years ago, then before, that it was 5 years ago, and then before that... I was probably a teenagers. I definitely found that ice skating is not like riding a bike. it doesn't come back as naturally, and makes one feel rather vulnerable. my ankles really hurt! I've concluded that either I'm extremely rusty, or I was never as good a skater as I thought I was. I think it's just that I'm rusty. it's not that I was a great skater, but I was a comfortable skater. when I was growing up, our backyard would flood and freeze naturally and we'd be out there skating all the time. it was really fun. I like the idea of a backyard skating rink, but I prefer it to happen naturally with no effort on my part :p

eamon seemed to enjoy himself. at this point, I wouldn't say he's a natural, but it's probably too early to determine that sort of thing. he was the littlest skater there. I was glad when the Zamboni came and did its thing, since eamon's never seen one of those in real life, yet there are a few in his "current" (he's on his second) hockey book from the library. he was a little frightened by it - he doesn't like loud, aggressive things, and zambonies can have an intimidating presence for a 2.5 year old.

lows and highs

I've been pretty sick all week. I worked half days on Tuesday and Wednesday, then had all of Thursday off.

(my new computer browser keeps auto-correcting my lowercase letters. so annoying!)

when I woke up today, I was feeling much better and was almost pumped to go into work. but my sensitive stomach got jarred by a speed bump just blocks from my house, and I ended up vomiting out my car door. since then, I feel worse again.

I was a little worried about solo-parenting last night while Brendan was working. but, I was pleasantly surprised by how cuddly eamon was last night, and I enjoyed just sitting close and chatting with him. so in the end, not only did we manage, but we had some quality time together :)

winter sux

I'm coming down with a cold. I haven't had a cold in a long while. I actually can't remember the last one I had. it's kind of crappy timing, because I'm so tired, and Brendan's working evenings all week (thankfully he didn't yesterday, so he took care of eamon while I laid around).

I miss summer. I miss hanging out in our backyard and taking eamon to the park. we'd walk across the field in our barefeet and play in the sand. instead I've been feeling really cooped up in the evening, and I don't feel creative enough to come up with something interesting to do indoors.

i got a date!

yay! i knew i had this thing for a reason :)

i need a date...

deathcab for cutie is coming to the K-ROCK centre in march. brendan doesn't want to go.

now, i know that they're not a great live band because they sound the same as their albums. but it would be a fun outing, and i like their music, so i don't mind just hangout out for the evening listening to their songs.

does anyone want to go with me? the tickets are very reasonably priced (for an arena) and since it's not at a bar we'll be home by 10 (11 at the latest).

oh, and metric is opening for them. granted, i've seen metric a buttload of times, so that's not a huge drawing card for me, maybe that's some added incentive for you?

http://www.rogersk-rockcentre.com/event/metric-death-cab-for-cutie-the-lights-on-the-horizon-tour/

voluntary windy winter walks

yesterday I was feeling super crumby because of the weather, but things are looking up!

both yesterday and today I went outside for a lunchtime walk in the minus 20 and 23 temperature. there is almost no shelter at my office, since it's this wide open space and the wind blows right through from the lake. but I was bundled up and sometimes i shielded my forehead with my mitten. it was mostly super cold when walking into the wind, walking away wasn't so bad. I'm actually really proud of myself and it makes me feel good (both physically from getting the exercise and fresh air, AND mentally). I'm going to try to keep it up. yesterday was beautiful, the sky was bright blue and the snow was so crisp and white. it was very picturesque. today, not so much, but I mostly walked with my face down anyway. it made me consider getting a balaclava.

thoughts on breakfast, continued...

you know how I was trying to change my breakfast habits? well, I've had some success.

while I've settled into eating the same thing every day once again, I'm ok with that. I don't need variety in the morning. I just need something I like that I can depend on.

I've started eating grapefruit with half a piece of toast with jam. I used to eat grapefruit for breakfast, and I don't really know why I stopped! I like grapefruit! yesterday I tracked down a grapefruit spoon. it didn't work super well. I think i'll still need to pre-cut it with a knife, but I think it would work well with that minor adjustment.

winter reset

the weather is really affecting me negatively right now. I feel very un-invigorated and blasé. as a result, I've decided to take a break from screens for the week. I feel like that will help me reconnect with my creative self and find interesting alternative things to do.

a complete screen detox isn't possible since I work on a computer at work, but that will be my only screen time. at home I will be screen free. and even then, I think i'll avoid checking the news or twitter. I feel over saturated by media, and I need to have some breathing room.

yesterday was nice. I worked on my puzzle and listened to cbc all afternoon. it was good and I liked learning new things through the interviews.

today is officially 'blue monday' because people are feeling most impacted by the weather, and their new year's resolutions are slipping. thankfully, I feel my new years resolutions are still on track, and I'm enjoying the positive benefits they are bringing to my life. it's just the dark and the cold that's getting to me. ugh!

in the news

i don't want to jump on the david bowie bandwagon, with everyone commemorating him. but I will say this...

i wouldn't say i considered myself a fan, but i also wasn't not a fan. i liked several of his songs, but didn't know enough of his repertoire to claim the title of a fan. he was an interesting person. i didn't really like the movie labyrinth. BUT, the thing that amazes me about him, is that despite being social weirdo - pushing boundaries that had never been pushed before in pop culture - he is a well-loved and respected musician.

basically, i think he was just super ahead of his time. this is a guy who is just two years younger than my parents, but couldn't be more different to them.

ALSO, nowadays the internet steals many of the "gasp! WHAT?!?!" moments. it's rare to hear things through the grapevine rather than on a computer screen. to date, I've had two good, "WHAT?!?!" moments with Brendan. 1) when i told that jian was fired from the cbc. 2) when david bowie died. b asked "WHAT!?!" about 3 or 4 times before it registered. that was quite satisfying.

connected!

you know... sometimes it's just the small wins.

today i figured out the way around the firewall and can now access twitter and music.cbc.ca at work again!

oh man, i can't tell you what a difference this makes. it's a real game-changer for me. a mental life-saver. both help me feel connected to the world outside the walls of my office. 

i'm so relieved.

i woke up with a sliver in the palm of my hand this morning.

i definitely didn't have it when i went to bed last night. 

SO STRANGE!

it's still there. i can't get it out. my hand is all red and swollen around it.

sticks and pucks

one thing's for certain, kids are not tiny replicas of their parents. 

i know this from first-hand experience (as a kid of a parent), and i know this from observing other parents and kids. so i prepared myself when i was pregnant with eamon, that there was going to be things we differ on. things he'll like that i don't like, opinions and beliefs that he'll have that i don't share. but i always hoped that i would show an interest in his interest and encourage dialogue and room for him to grow beyond my frame of reference.

at 30 months old, this is already starting to happen. whether it is the influence of extended family, or his own independence, but my son has discovered hockey. 

this is extremely strange to me. i did not grow up in a family that watched or liked hockey. i also have never dated a guy who was into hockey and i didn't marry one either. as a complete outsider to the world of hockey, it seems to me that people who like hockey are crazy about it. and that's not something i can understand. that said, i'm sure that there are plenty of people who are moderate in their enjoyment of hockey, they're just less vocal about it then the ones who are hockey-obsessed. 

so this week, i tried to take the high road when allowing eamon to get a book about hockey from the library. hearing him say the words "my hockey" over and over does rub me the wrong way, but that's only because i fear a hockey-obsession. part of me worries (probably like lots of parents over different interests) that if i humour a small interest in this sport, that it will become a life-long vice instead of a light-hearted past-time. 

but in the spirit of letting him be his own person, and trying to be open to the things he will introduce me to, i will try to embrace this interest. it helps that he's also been obsessed with dogs, trucks and buses lately, which probably won't carry over to adulthood. so i need to lighten up and just let him have fun :) fingers crossed it will stay fun and not become a painstaking irrational devotion. 

morning foods

i've decided to get more creative about breakfasts.

when i went back to work in 2014, i decided that i'd get creative with my lunches, and i think it's fair to say that has been a success. unlike in the past, i have not been eating the same thing every day, i haven't just been eating leftovers, and i haven't found my food boring.

breakfast poses a unique challenge – preparing something when i'm tired and rushed. in the past, it was always cereal or toast, for a while there it was just a rice cake. i tried googling ideas for quick, healthy breakfasts, but nothing appealed to me. i've found i don't have the right kind of blender to make good smoothies.

this morning i had a hard boiled egg (pre-boiled yesterday), slices of tomato and a slice of challah bread, which i was pleased with. the only downer was eamon had a melt down yelling "egg, egg!" until i ate it all and there was nothing left to share with him. next time i'll just have to boil more so he can have one too.

i should try to brainstorm tomorrow's breakfast or i'll probably have the same-old, same-old.

i'm not thrilled about going back to work tomorrow. it would help if my computer crisis was corrected, but i don't imagine it will be. but i'm going to try my best to not be miserable or tried.

resolve

well... moving ahead without my AWOL year-end blog entry....

i'm pretty pumped about 2016. i feel ready for change, and feel like it's time for changes in my life. i want to start doing all those things that make me feel better having done them. things that each day, when i crawl into bed, i think about how i didn't do those things yet again, and then feel frustrated with myself. if i want to do them, i should just do them! so i will.

in keeping with that, my new year's resolution is 'completing 1-minute tasks'. anything that will take less than 1 minute to do, should just be done. stuff like putting dishes in the dishwasher instead of on the counter, putting my clothes away after wearing them, stuff like that. i am ridiculously bad at not following through with such tasks.

i've also purchased a better exercise bike, that should arrive on monday. my goal is not necessarily to lose weight, although that would be nice, but to adopt a regular exercise routine that i will do for the rest of my life. i learned to floss every day, so why not exercise regularly? i always wish i did! interestingly enough, 10 days away from work and i'm already eating better. i was eating well when i was on mat leave, but clearly those practices did not last. there's something about work that causes me to eat out of boredom. so i want to fight that habit. no doubt eating better and exercising more will help me feel more comfortable in my body. i would like to be fit, not thin; strong, not skinny. i think i was that earlier this year, but since i haven't been cycling at lunch, i've really gotten soft.

so basically, this is a year about making better choices for myself. and learning to follow through.

what the what?!?

so i just realized that the big, long year-end blog entry that i wrote yesterday did not get published and i can't find it in the drafts either, so i'm SUPER ANNOYED! i wasn't initially in the mood for being reflective, but i decided to get my head in the game, and ended up being really happy with what i wrote. ARGH!

BOOOOOOOOOO

maybe i'll try to re-write it later.

SUCKS!

name game

i've had the last name lorimer for 5.5 years, and have recently been told by my husband that i say it wrong. i'm sure that we had a conversation years ago in which we agreed that we don't pronounce the 'i'. i took that to mean that we drop the 'i', but it turns out that he meant it's more of an 'aw' sound than an "ee" sound.

lo-ra-mur

1000 pieces

my sister gave me a puzzle of a painting of toronto island for christmas. i used to do puzzles a lot, but i haven't have space for puzzles in the last 4 years, since we didn't have a kitchen table. so i was delighted to have the chance to work on a puzzle again. at first i felt a little rusty, it was a busy puzzle and i wasn't sure where to take it after i did the border. but i got back into the swing of things, and was delighted that brendan and beckie both joined me with puzzling. it's really relaxing to do something peaceful and slow-paced to work on whenever we have a chance. we started it on saturday, and finished it this afternoon. so i guess i'll need to get a new one tomorrow!

it feels a little nerdy to be excited about puzzles. but surprisingly, it felt really good. i think partly because my christmas vacations since eamon have not been as restful as they once were, but this gave me that sense of rest, hermiting and creative problem-solving that i enjoy about my 10-day break from work.

self-preservation

brendan and i had some conflict on the weekend about parking in an arby's parking lot when there wasn't room in the starbucks we were going to.

he wanted to park there. and i REALLY REALLY didn't. especially when i saw the sign specifically stating that the parking lot was only for arby's customers.

when trying to explain my distress about it later, i said "i'm a worse-case scenario thinker", but this isn't exactly true. often times, i can't imagine how things could possibly go wrong, and then find out when things go wrong :p i'm not someone who assumes the worst about everything. instead, it's more accurate to say i am not a risk-taker – at all. i don't park in places i'm not supposed to, i don't let my kid stand inside shopping carts, and i don't call-in-sick to play hookie. if i perceive a chance that something might go wrong, i don't do it. life is full of enough unfortunate incidents that i try at least avoid all avoidable heartache. i can do without getting my car towed, having my kid injured from a fall, and damaging my professional reputation.

obviously, danger is a reality in life. i don't avoid all danger or else it would be impossible to live. but i suppose i view danger and risk as two different issues. and i guess for me, risk involves a element of choice. i remember watching a ted talk once where the woman talked about regret. she mentioned how regret often results from a small decision that could've gone either way – when simply making the alternate decision could have produced a different, more positive result. that's what that impulse is for me ultimately: a quick diagnostic of how much i might regret my decisions.

i don't gamble with what's important to me – my time, my loved ones, my integrity, my heart.

delayed

it's funny. i woke pretty early this morning (as i often do since my body is used to waking before sunrise), and i felt excited. i guess the enthusiasm for a new beginning just waited until the beginning actually started. it's nice getting a clean slate each year, and wondering what will happen over the next 12 months :)

going and coming back again

i spent some time this afternoon reflecting on turning 36; and found my conclusion troublesome.

i'm not sure if it's my stage of life, or if its the age of 36 specifically, but i feel that i lack a certain enthusiasm that i felt in the past at birthdays. not about getting older, but i always felt hope and optimism about the year to come. i had a sense of forward-moving momentum, that i was growing and developing as a person. while 35 was a year of big events and life changes, i don't necessarily equate this year with a time of character growth. and i'm left wondering if there's something wrong with me, or does character development even out as one gets older, or is it just that my focus has shifted and my concern is more for eamon's development than my own. i'm not unhappy, if anything i feel quite content. i guess i just miss that enthusiasm a little bit.

my reflections also led me to think about this...

i don't dislike change. it's usually something i welcome. i do struggle with uncertainty, with varying levels of anxiety depending on the circumstances and my state of mind at the time. i've known this for a while. it seems common among children of divorce. it's funny because from the time my dad left to the time my sister got married, everything stayed pretty much the same. and yet, i just couldn't get comfortable because some figurative door was left open. it wasn't until my late twenties that i felt settled and the door was shut. anyway, i've noticed something new related to that. i like the peace of gentle familiarity. it's like with a kid, who does better when they have a bedtime routine because they know what's coming next. deep down, i like a consistent pattern to life. not a daily routine, but more of an annual routine.

i wonder if that's why i feel troubled – because part of my consistent life pattern involves deep introspection and personal growth, and my current state is a departure from that. one thing i have learned since the summer is the importance of thinking on the present rather than the future. let's be honest, i've spent a lot of my life anticipating the future. it's probably time to be fully present, especially with a toddler.

well, here's to 35. it's been a good year. perhaps at 36 i will learn to be introspective AND live in the present :)

wet pants

our house has been a little chaotic lately, especially after i was so lazy over the weekend. so i'm very pleased that i mustered my whatevers and i actually got stuff under control. except for our bedroom, but maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

i'm only going to be 35 for a few more days. getting is older is a bit weird. i don't know about you, but as a kid it was impossible to imagine being anything other than young. part of me thinks i got so used to it that it makes aging difficult. not that i have a problem with aging, but simply that it's a gradual change that i wasn't really prepared for.

sparkles everywhere

last night i started to doze on the couch at 7:30 and that was it for the rest of the night. brendan came and told me around 10:30 that he was going to bed, so i stopped by the bathroom to take out my contacts, then crawled into bed. 

i don't know what was up with me yesterday, i just wanted to sleep sleep sleep! 

this morning when eamon woke up at 5:45, i'd already been sleeping 10 hours, so i was ready to get up too! with our spare early morning hours, we made our second attempt at a craft gift for my niece, and effectively failed AGAIN! i'll have to run out later today for more supplies to try for a third time. part of me wants to give up, but the other part of me thinks it will justify my previous two attempts if i can get it right eventually. 

work-home

it's been an interesting week. i've been forced to work from home due to a computer issue. i've found there are pros and cons to working from home.

pros:

• being able to sing out loud with the music i'm listening to

• being alone in an empty house rather than being alone in a crowd

• watching netflix at lunch

• napping at lunch

• baking at lunch

• quick trip to pick up brendan and eamon after work

cons:

• not having everything i need from my work computer

• not being available for meetings with colleagues

• having work infiltrate my personal space

• feeling tempted to do non-work related things

i'm hoping my computer issues will be resolved in the next week. but in the meantime, i will enjoy this casual transition into my christmas holidays :)

restored

after a week of feeling unmotivated, i've recovered my regular energy level and enjoyed puttering around our house this weekend. i rearranged a few things in our living room, and unpacked a few boxes i had stacked in the corner. with these slight modifications, i'm super pumped and find that the appeal and comfort of that room has increased.

this year, we got an advent candle holder, made by andrew, to do a weekly advent thing at home. we've been singing christmas carols together as part of the activity, which i've really been enjoying. brendan seems slightly less pumped than i am about the sing-a-long, but it's less novel for him, since he can sing and play whatever song he wants, when he wants. 

i received my norwex products yesterday. i thought i'd just try out the eco-cloth and ended up cleaning the whole bathroom. i have to admit, i was quite impressed. it is super easy to use, because i don't have to stop to spray everything. i've never found that spraying was time-consuming, but it is much faster to just wipe. i found i cleaned more thoroughly since i was on a roll and it was just so easy! it got me looking forward to hosting a party in the new year. 

brace

i know that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. and i know my desire to flee the latest drama at work is just my fantasy that life would be better if this or that happened. but i can't live my life chasing green grass. i guess sometimes we just have to face our weeds and brown patches and do our best to cultivate greener grass. 

autumn blahs

i'm currently under-motivated. i've gone from being super motivated to stay on top of household chores, to sitting on my butt watching too much netflix. to be fair, have been knitting a christmas present, but still.

on the brightside, i did get snowtires on my car today, which i have never done before in the 17 years that i've owned my own car. for some reason, i thought it would only take a half hour, but was told when i got there that it would take several hours. so i had to go home again on the bus without a stroller for eamon. on the way back, i wore him in our backpack carrier. i'd forgotten how empowering it is to wear your baby. but i'd also forgotten how exhausting it is to wear a 30lbs toddler for nearly an hour :S

i'm a little worried that i'm falling into a rut. maybe i just need to give myself a few days before getting worried. maybe it's just that we're getting settled and i don't know what to do with the regular routine of life. it WOULD be nice if i actually wanted to deal with the dishes or tidy our bedroom. instead i just put up with it as is :S i suppose the cycle will come back around and i'll get motivated again. i'll just let this get out of my system. it's just, the mess and the laziness is slightly depressing :S

learning curve

i have a toddler son who finds farts very funny. i also find them quite comical.

ever since he was quite small, he's giggled in response to an unexpected toot, which was extra funny to me, as i concluded that toots are fundamentally funny and don't need to be explained.

at this current stage, he loves to tell me "momma, i tooted". or sometimes, for example when we were in the change room at the pool recently, he went on and on "i toots, dada toots, momma toots", and then actually did toot.

all this to say, we are both highly amused by this. but as he's getting bigger, we're interacting with folks who don't find that sort of thing as funny as we do and there are statutes of limitations on this sort of thing socially. recently, when he told me in front of a more adulty person "i toot" the other person did not laugh, and then tried to pretend he didn't hear the conversation. which was extra funny to me internally.

so i guess i'll teach him to say "excuse me" so he can be polite while still giggling. best of both worlds i think.

back online

my computer at work was scheduled to be upgraded last wednesday. then i fell sick, so i got bumped to thursday (since apparently they didn't think to come get it or something). then i spent 3 work days without a computer. when i got my computer back, it didn't have any of my design software on it. so it's been a weird week.

i am however, adjusting to my new email and trying to set things up to be intuitive and easy for me to mentally process. i don't like a lot of distractions in an email account. for a while i thought that this was a sign that i was not an adaptable person. but i think it's just a preference thing. email is a tool, and i want it to be easy to use, and not face mental blocks or barriers along the way.

brendan and i are doing this marriage course just as some relationship maintenance. it's been fun, but also challenging at times. chores turned into a big fight, which is why we've instituted our 20-minutes a day cleaning routine. i'm happy to say that's actually working pretty well.

this week it used this illustration of rhinos and hedgehogs to show different styles of dealing with conflict. my first instinct was to think i was a rhino, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized i'm a hedgehog. i'm just a hedgehog who can articulate myself well when the coast is clear, which makes me seem more like a rhino. AND because i can be hotheaded sometimes.

it got me thinking about growing up – how inward i was. i rarely felt safe talking about my feelings, and as a result i didn't do it. it wasn't that the people in my life were unsafe, it was because of my own internal process. i can talk freely and confidently about things after the fact, but if i'm still processing something, it's not a topic of conversation. i guard myself pretty securely.

achy

when we were in greece, we did a LOT of walking and after about a week or so, my calves were so sore! they'd gotten all tight and ached when i walked. i would try to stretch them out in the evenings. 

on saturday, my calf muscles started feeling tight and sore again, but this time it wasn't from excessive walking, because i've been getting little to no exercise lately (not even my stationary bike, sadly). since them, it's spread to my arms, neck and wrists. i reluctantly tried googling it, since googling medical stuff can often make one worry, and the one likely thing i read was that it could be caused by inactivity. my dad also suggested it could be caused by dehydration. for a week or two i was working really hard at drinking lots of water, but i've quickly slipped out of that habit. actually, my calves have been less sore today, it's mostly my arms and wrists. 

lifting my growing toddler is a challenge because he's getting heavy and my sore wrists feel weak under the weight of him :S

gifting

i don't remember the last time i knitted. in recent years i've been crocheting more and more, and knitting less. one of the things i like about crocheting is that it's easier to correct mistakes. with knitting, it often requires pulling out lots of rows.

my mom asked for an infinity scarf for christmas, so i'm making her one. she asked for it to be colourful with brown in it. that almost seems like a contradiction. colourful yet brown. in recent years, my mom has become a bit rusty with receiving gifts. she expressed dissatisfaction rather than gratitude. it's discouraging. so i'm bracing myself for her to not be overly appreciative of this handmade gift. it'll probably end up not colourful enough, or not brown enough, or not infinity enough or too infinity :S

to summarize

stiching • mending • chatting

hangouts with b • the hunger games

christmas shopping • grocery shopping on budget

landlording • house-keeping • la caisse

dusting

this evening i went to a norwex party at my sister's house. it was nice because i was able to take eamon with me to play with the kids. norwex is a natural cleaning supplies company. i was fairly impressed with the products.

the party was, for the most part, the first time i've hung out with my sister's friends. joy is good natured and handles being teased well, and they teased her a lot. the thing i found surprising, is that they teased her about how infrequently she cleans her house. this is shocking because joy is the most into cleaning of all the people i know. not only does she love cleaning (has said she prefers cleaning to parenting), she's really diligent about it. the on-going joke is that joy only cleans every two weeks. it felt a little like i was in a bizarre reality. two weeks is pretty regularly, and she'd already said she cleans her bathroom every day. anyway, at one point, during the mopping demonstration, i asked something about her floors, and her one friend said to me "she only cleans every two weeks" and to that i said "she cleans SIGNIFICANTLY more often than i do". which embarrassed the woman a great deal. i told joy later "we lived on main street for nearly 4 years and didn't mop once".

i felt i couldn't be honest in the group about how brendan and i are just learning to do more than the necessities. up until now we've only done the stuff we had to do, like empty the dishwasher so we could put more dishes in. and i'm proud of us for expanding our cleaning routine.

i don't know how working mothers have time for things like housework. how do they do it?!? it guess they just prioritize it. i prioritize other things.

i've expressed interest in hosting a party. partly because i thought i'd get a gift bag for signing up, and i didn't. but it's a fun excuse to have friends over. except, since it's this lady's business, i'd really encourage friends who are interested in buying, rather than just hanging out.

message me if you're interested in coming! it'll probably be in january.

amused

so i'm hooked on the show "jane the virgin" on netflix. i'm actually really impressed that i haven't been binge watching it at every opportunity, but i want to make it last. it's so funny. i get that it's very soap opera-esque, but it's just a fun watch. it regularly shocks me with plot twists. 

i also like that it's gotten me back into hand-crafts. i haven't been doing hand-crafts in a while, i guess i've just been too busy or too tired or something. but there's something really light about this show that makes me feel capable of getting back into making stuff. 

it's kind of a refreshing change that it's a highly entertaining show without having to push the envelop or be really sexually explicit. it's funny and well crafted. it reminds me of amelie, with the observational narrating. good stuff :)

don't get your back up

years after my highschool boyfriend and i broke up, sarah harmer released a song that described the end of our relationship exactly. i could've written every line. it's like she was spying on us. years later, i told him about the similarity of our break-up and that song.

every time i hear it, i remember those late nights talking in my blue jetta, desperately wanting to go home to sleep, while him badgering me about something or other. it makes me wonder if it reminds him too. but i suppose he'd probably remember it very differently than i do.

mail ordered

to my complete relief, last night was the complete opposite from the night before. YAY!

anyway...

recently i bumped into new acquaintance/friend in shoppers. she was picking up a package, and before thinking about it, i said "what is it?" then noticed the box said "well.ca" on it, and realized it might have been something extremely personal! oops! she thought about it and said vitamins. later on i got thinking about well.ca and i've never ordered anything from there, so i wondered if it offered anything my local drug store did not. so i went to the site and checked it out. before i knew it, i'd ordered $100 worth of stuff! to be fair, i bought a melissa+doug piano for eamon on sale for christmas from his great-nana (she always just gives him cash). i got my packages yesterday, and i'm very pleased! they even had seventh generation training pants! seventh generation is my favourite kind of disposable diapers, and they don't sell them at loblaws anymore.

we made the switch to disposal diapers when we moved. during the summer we found that eamon was peeing through is diapers and clothes within 10 minutes of getting a fresh set. so we decided we'd just pack up his cloth diapers, hoping that he'd soon be on his way to underpants anyway.

i also bought patchouli bar soap :) i love patchouli. it reminds me of having dreads. i wish i could find patchouli scented hair spray, but bar soap might be the next best thing.  

parenting-fail

so last night was a complete gong show over at our place. i feel emotionally hung-over. 

it's not that i got a spotty night of sleep, which was basically a series of cat naps between chaotic episodes, it was the trauma of letting my kid cry thinking he would settle himself, and only cluing much later than he was in pain. about 5 or 6 hours into the night with him crying unconsolably, i noticed eamon grabbing at his foot, and realized that he was probably having growing pains. i used to get them frequently when i was a kid, always at night. 

i'm troubled by our response. i'm troubled about the pressure we felt because we had to get up to go to work in the morning. i'm troubled that i got to work late (that always starts my day off badly). i'm troubled that brendan and i were snappy with each other. i'm troubled that i felt unloving towards eamon this morning. he's just a little kid, and it's external factors (such as work, and neighbours) that caused my negative feelings and response. 

there are times when i feel so ill-prepared and un-motherly that i question my suitability for this venture. my drive into work this morning consisted of me mentally begging for a quick recovery and to feel okay again. for balanced to be restored and to not feel buried in an avalanche of woes. 

divide and conqure

i am not a naturally disciplined person. it generally requires a lot of effort, and well, self-discipline for me to do anything consistently. this week brendan and i implimented a 20-minutes a day cleaning routine where we both set aside 20 minutes to clean/tidy our house. like all new things, i feel really good about this approach.

also, like all new things, this new approach interfered with the new thing i started last week (my stationary bike).

i honestly don't know how other people do it. managing lots of different things. HOW DO YOU DO IT!?!

this evening i tidied the surfaces in our bedroom and actually unpacked a box that has been sitting waiting since august. there's another two in here waiting to be dealt with. tomorrow perhaps!

out

there is a chunk of time after having a baby when activities outside of your home becomes lower in priority. eventually a balance is found between your new kid and other stuff. that chunk of time is different for everyone, and there are a lot of factors. i found i was just getting my equilibrium back when i returned to work, which set me off balance yet again. it was like starting over. but now that i've completed a year as a working mom (with varying degrees of success), and am feeling more settled after moving, i feel like i'm shifting away from navel gazing and back towards the bigger picture.

so... hey! how's it going? what's going on? what's happenin'?

actually, now that i think of it, brendan's job situation also delayed my sense of balance. so basically, it was a year of lots and lots of change. 

with this shift of space, time, energy and freedom, brendan and i have decided to go out more often and have recruited my dad as our 'after bedtime babysitter'. we're able to maintain our routine with eamon, but then can go out because my dad is reading on our couch. unfortunately, he was also barfing on our couch. he's had a chest infection, which combined with his sensitive gag reflex, he's been "bringing up" every evening like clockwork from coughing. i've never had to leave a barf bucket with a babysitter before. he made good use of it. oh dear :S

all that said, our saturday evening outing was really fun and uncomplicated. 

shark bike

a number of months ago, my mom offered me a stationary bike. she said she got it from a friend, and hasn't been using it. i was definitely interested and said i'd take it when we move. so when brendan picked it up, i was surprised to see how vintage it is. it's a very, very old stationary bike. but it works! at least it does on certain settings. i am not someone who likes to exert myself, so thankfully it works best on the lower settings that don't make me have to push myself too much. it's been a few weeks since i've been outside cycling at lunch. partly because my bike was in the back of my car when it was in the shop for 2+ weeks, but also because of the weather. so this week i started using my stationary bike after eamon is in bed. i'm very pleased because i've set it up in the kitchen where i can watch stuff on brendan's computer. i like to watch colbert with b sometimes, so i thought i'd watch him on the late show while i cycle. it's easy to waste a half hour watching comedians on youtube. often times i'm tired by the time eamon is in bed, but cycling energizes me and changes my tiredness from fatigue to sleepy, cozy tiredness. 

now the big mystery is how long can i keep this up before i start coming up with excuses to not do it. i hope i'm able to adopt this as life-style thing. it really couldn't be more convenient. AND the fact that i do it right after putting eamon to bed, it's not like i'm in the middle of something. if all goes well, i may eventually upgrade to a modern stationary bike. at least this way i haven't wasted money, but instead can try this approach out on my vintage bike. 

goat and about

on sunday, eamon and i went downtown to complete some errands. after quickly popping into one store, i decided we should walk down to vandervoorts and decided to leave the stroller in the car and just let eamon walk. other than frequently having to keep him on track, he did very well and really enjoyed himself. it was kind of refreshing to walk beside him and sometimes walk holding hands, instead of pushing a stroller. on the way, i decided we should go for a date to the goat to share a muffin after vandervoorts. i can't remember being at the goat with eamon before, it's very possible that that was his first time there. we sat at a table by the window, me with my tea and him with a mason jar of milk. it was the sweetest. i really had a lovely time with him. it gave me a taste of the next phase we're transitioning into. there were some dogs outside on the sidewalk playing while we were there. he kept saying "puppy, puppy", and i said "that's right, how many puppies are there?" and he said "two!", which surprised me. he's really developing quickly. 

all this to say... i don't know if it's our new neighbourhood, or the season, or our current phase of life, or our work/daycare routine, it's probably a combination of all those things, but we haven't been venturing out as much as i'd like to. saturdays are taken up by chores with a pause for a nap in the middle. maybe i should skip grocery shopping some saturday mornings and take him to the goat instead. although, it might be busy there. or not, would the goat be busy by 9:00 am on a saturday?

now that we're down to just one car, i have less freedom than before. because we're sharing a car means i can't just come and go as i please. but i think it's important to keep doing fun things. life is too short to let logistics get in the way of living. 

fresh start with all hallow's eve

when i was around 6, my parents decided they did not want us trick or treating anymore because of halloween's association with "evil". in recent years, since my sister has started taking her kids trick or treating, they've significantly relaxed about it. it's actually never came up that it's something they used to be against. this kind of bothers me because i missed out on a fun childhood experience, while they seem oblivious that i might be disappointed about that. 

anyway, in recent years i've been participating in the "halloween harvest" which collects food for the food drive, and that's been nice. it started help re-introduce me to halloween. but this year, was the first time that eamon was old enough to trick or treat, and i had a super fun time :) he was so excited and got really into it. i'd never heard him say "bag" before, but he was very insistent on carrying the bag, and kept saying "bag, bag" if we tried to help him carry it.

it's really nice that halloween has been redeemed for me, and i look forward to many years taking him around and meeting neighbours. 

plus, after brain storming costume ideas for several months, we were really happy with the little aviator costume we came up with. we're 3 for 3 on costumes :)