a different approach

I know that it comes from a kind and sincere place, but I'm not comfortable with the practice of raising or collecting funds for the loved ones who have died in tragic ways (ie shootings). I don't think there's enough money in the world to heal that hurt.

i understand that people have a desire to do something, and giving money, especially to strangers far away, is something they can do. but i would much prefer to see money go towards the cause of the loss. for example, when someone dies from cancer, usually people give money to the cancer society in their name. that makes sense to me. likewise, i wish money would go towards mental health services, and social support groups, to ending violence and education. i think that would have a broader impact, and would shed light on social problems, rather than feed into the notion that money is the answer.

kind of abrupt

it looks as though i'll be starting my mat leave early. probably in 3 weeks instead of 6. I'm glad about that, but it would've been nicer to finish my baker's dozen worth of years at bbd on a more positive note.

my mom is always referring to me as a planner. "you're a planner", she says with frequency. it irritates me because I think it's the wrong label. it also implies that one is either a planner or not a planner, and there are no other options. finally I said to her yesterday "I'm a doer! and to do stuff, I have to plan stuff". I like to do and experience things, and most of the time, life experiences don't just happen without taking some initiative. I'm not someone who enjoyed the planning more than the doing, but I understand that planning is a means to an end.

all that said, I have no plans or ideas of what I'd do with my whole month of august. the baby isn't due until september 2, and he might even arrive later than that. and on one hand that's fine, it will probably be a while before I have free time to relax and enjoy summer. it would give me some designated 'nesting' time, and the chance to get organized, and find all our newborn clothes (because I'm naturally disorganized and don't know where they are).

have a mentioned that eamon is pretty much potty trained? he still has accidents sometimes, but I'm sure they will become fewer and fewer in the days and weeks ahead. he even wakes up with a dry diaper every so often! :) I'm really glad. I was hoping to have him out of diapers by his 3rd birthday, or at least by the time the new baby is born.  

closer article

while we were away, Brendan bought a few Toronto star newspapers. I kind of like that he does that, because I would never think to sit down and read a newspapers. I like that he still enjoys that activity from a bygone era :)

while he was putting eamon to bed one night, he said to me "you should read that article, I think it would interest you". turns out it was a piece on a new book about female sexuality called "closer", that focuses particularly the female orgasm (it's weird that it's even called the female orgasm, actually, as though climaxing belongs to mean by default).

after giving it a read, I thought "I should share a link to this on my blog. I'm sure I must know some women who would find this informative and helpful". so here it is.

I found the bit about most women never talking to their mother's about sex very interesting. not surprisingly, the only info I got about sex was what I shouldn't do. my parents had a rule that my sister and I were not allowed to date until we were 16 (even as a kid I thought that was a dumb rule). both of us had our first boyfriend at 15, and this caused a lot of problems at home. strangely enough, my sister is enforcing the same rule with her kids (which doesn't make sense to me, you'd think she'd know that it doesn't work). since I wasn't allowed to have my boyfriend at 15, I just snuck behind my mom's back. not only did it make me into a sneaky liar, it meant that I had absolutely no adult guidance about having a healthy relationship or age-appropriate (read: readiness) sexual experiences. it ended up being a really bad, painful and damaging time in my life, that took a long time for me to recover from (since it impacted future relationships, and future relationships continued that damaging cycle).

anyway, if you're a lady, consider giving that article, and maybe even that book, a read! I do think the culture around female sexuality has changed in recent decades. I think a man's success as a lover is being evaluated by how attentive they are to their partner's needs, which didn't used to be the case. but we need more of that, and women need to know more about how they work :)

outlet

well... we're home from our week at the cottage. it was really great. it was nice to have a change of pace, and to be with eamon all the time. we made great strides with potty training, and he's using the potty almost exclusively. he doesn't like full sized toilets, so it's a bit of a risk when we go out, but if we're in a park or whatever, Brendan will take him to pee on a tree. unfortunately, he's twice tried to poop in our backyard :S

the cottage itself was nicer than the photos. they've done quite a lot of work to it, and the changes are really nice. it was very comfortable to hangout in, and it met all our needs.

the one downside was that the lake it was on (east lake) was not great for swimming. it would've been nice to have early morning swims or late afternoon/pre dinner swims, but it was very seaweedy, and eamon was extremely freaked out by it (blood-curdling screams). plus, the fish had obviously been fed by people, so they would swarm humans in search of food. one even tried to nibble my leg to see if I was food. after that I just referred to them as the jerks.

we pretty much did the whole county. the cottage came with use of a season pass to sandbanks, so we went there several times, and to the dunes. we went strawberry picking and to fifth town cheese. we did 3 hikes, and sent the afternoon on Canada day in picton.

I LOVED not having access to the internet. I've realized how much time it sucks. it feels like the equivalent of habitual channel surfing. it's not productive and it's time-sucking. so while at home, I'm only checking my facebook and email one a day and allowing myself about a half hour to an hour to get caught up. instead of jumping on my computer every time I remember something I need to do, I just write it down and do it during my designated internet time. I feel much better rested and like a more well and interesting person. PLUS, I've been doing a LOT of reading! I realized I haven't read a good book (one that really hooked me) since pre-ereader. so I've concluded, that with the exception of nursing (when having only one hand free for reading is necessary), I'm going to stick with real books because they seem to impact my reading experience. so moving forward, I want more books and less click-bait.

now that it's july, I only have 6 weeks left of work. I don't really know how I'm going to fill that time. I really hate the thought of killing time, because time is a pretty precious commodity, and it should be used well (or at least not burned).

the times they are a-changin' (still)

when it comes to public votes, sometimes I get excited about the outcome I didn't want. maybe excited isn't the right word. it's probably more curiosity.

both with the quebec and Scottish referendums, I wanted both to stay, but was curious about how things would unfold if they didn't. I have never witness the outcome of such a decision before, and wonder what would it look like.

even with trump, I SUPER don't want him to win, but there is part of me that is intrigued to see just how bad things would get (and maybe just how right, the anti-trump people are).

I think I would've voted to stay in, if I was a Briton. already, just hours after the announcement, there have been a chain of negative things (british pound at 31 year low, PM resigns, and trump is saying it's a good move). I'm pretty sure that Scotland is going to have a second referendum and leave the UK so it can rejoin the EU.

the world is changing. and not for the better. things are getting very unstable.

thankfully, I don't feel bleak for my sons. I don't feel concern or regret about the world they will grow up in. I dunno, maybe that's because I think things have been worse before, and people got through it (at least those who didn't die from starvation, war or genocide). it's a different world than it was 10 or 20 years ago for sure, and we don't really know how to navigate it or what trouble will find us. but i think this is where resilience is important. I often pray for resilience for them. my dad is one of the most resilient people I know (often to the frustration of my mom who has wanted to see him suffer and grovel because of their failed marriage). I hope they take after him in that way.

regarding the EU, it will be very interesting to say the least.

taboo

i would like to break the silence about pregnancy hemorrhoids. apparently they are VERY common, but i have NEVER heard ANYONE talk about them. sure, it's embarrassing, and very personal, but i'm in so much friggin pain and discomfort, that i've got to talk about it.

it's almost ridiculous how painful this is, and nothing is helping. it makes me almost sad.

i've read that they should just go away on their own after the baby is born, but i'm 30 weeks. i'm looking at 10+ weeks of butt pain.

this sucks.

otherwise my pregnancy is been going well and i don't have other complaints.

thank you for being a friend...

I'm in Montreal for work and in my hotel room watching golden girls. it makes me wish my mom lived with 3 old lady friends.

Sent from my iPod

choices we make

after an interaction with a very negative person today, i concluded something. it's not that life is too short to be negative, it's more that life is full of lots of crappy and terrible stuff, and i think it's worth looking for the positive whenever possible. AND to keep perspective. some of the stuff people complain about is not very important in the grand scheme of things.

i dunno. global news has been bleak this week. and i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful despite everything. the last thing i need is to hear someone complain about salad dressing.

discomfort that brings comfort

i've been having a lot of heartburn lately. it wakes me up in the night.

i have to pee almost constantly. that also wakes me up.

and i get leg cramps when I'm sleeping. (basically, I'm up at least 4 times a night)

I also feel tired a lot, and I can't really pick up eamon anymore because I don't have the energy.

but I'm also 29 weeks pregnant, and I know these ailments will be gone soon enough. they're just temporary, and I'm finding them easier to manage than last time.

I also have a very sore pelvis, which I've discovered is the ligaments in my pubic bone expanding. even though it's sore (and an ice pack only gives temporary relief), I'm very excited about it. unlike my other discomforts, this one is not familiar to me. I did not experience this with eamon. I'm hoping that this means that my body is preparing and adjusting to accommodate my baby's exit.

a few months ago, I actually came across a video explaining this pelvic soreness, and at the time, my heart sank a bit because I knew this had not happened with my first pregnancy. I didn't know the discomfort they were talking about, and I wondered if there was a connection to eamon getting stuck. maybe my pelvis didn't expand as it should have. I'm looking forward to seeing my chiropractor next week to talk about this with her and see how my pelvis adjusts. I'm also seeing my midwife again, because I'm up to appointments every 2 weeks :)

it's fun how much quicker things go the second time.

passing

the road to work has been torn-up and they're laying new gravel. this struck me odd, because they just did that a few years ago. until I remembered that I've worked at BT for 13 years, and it was very possibly10 years ago when they last paved taylor-kidd. odd how time just starts to blur together. I think after 6 years somewhere or doing something, time seems relative.

b and I have been married 6 years next weekend. I'm pretty sure it will all get blurry after this. at least we have "before kids" and "after kids" to help as a marker. but even that doesn't really help though.

ganniversary

even though our anniversary isn't for a few weeks, Brendan and I are going away for a mini-break. this is our first time away from eamon. he had a sleepover at nana and papa's house at new year's eve, but we were still at home. so this is a little different.

we're going to gan. neither of us have been there for along time (besides my annual trips to the casino with Shannon). but once upon a time, I used to live in gan. I was around eamon's age at the time. I have no memory of it. joy went to kindergarten there, and remembers that her teacher "hated" her (apparently she almost failed her), and she (joy, not the teacher) tripped on some uneven sidewalk and my dad got mad and was going to complain to the mayor. her second memory sounds much more likely.

anyway, I'm very excited. the B&B we booked looks really nifty. we haven't stayed at a B&B since our first wedding anniversary, and this is our sixth. i think this will be a double, or even triple treat (alone time, no parenting duties, staying at a B&B).

we're going to take hwy 2. I'm sure it will be a nice leisurely drive. ah! i can't wait. i should probably go get ready.

5 stars

at lunch, I finished the book "Middlesex". I would have to say, it was one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. the author (Jeffrey Eugenides) has only written 3 books, and this was the second of his that I've read. both books have kept me fully hooked until the very last line.

afterwards, I sat breathing, extremely satisfied and enriched. beautiful.

I can't help but wonder how much of the impact was due the fact that I'd read an actual paperback, and not on my e-reader. I have heard before that people absorb more with actual books than e-readers. I had noticed that it had been a while since I was really addicted to a book, but I think it was more the books I was reading than the method I was reading them with.

brendan came across a book review of a new novel called "the girls". it's coming out next week, and is expected to be the big summer read of 2016. he pre-ordered it, and I plan to read it after him. in the review, it compares the novel with the one Eugenides book I haven't read (the virgin suicides). at first I planned to read that as I waited for "the girls", but then I saw the other book this new book was compared to (a visit from the goon squad), and decided to read that instead. when I find an author I like, I kind of want to space out reading their books until I'm in the market for a good book but can't find one. they had a copy of "a visit from the good squad" at the kingscourt library so I got it out. I hope I enjoy it. the reviews are a little mixed on 'good reads'.

I'm definitely giving "Middlesex" 5 stars. I always reserve that rating for the books that make me feel deeply, that I crave reading, and will read at any available opportunity (while eating breakfast, while waiting at stoplights, while lying beside eamon as he watches "the elephant show" on youtube).

here's hoping my next book(s) will be as good. I'm on a bit of a book high right now, and I'd like to keep that going.

that guy

i don't know a lot about this stanford rape trial. part of me doesn't want to know. it was through my friend helen that I first heard about it, because she was sharing posts on facebook.

but I've been troubled by the parents, particularly the dad, who has minimized his son's rape of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, by calling it "20 minutes of action" and tried to convince the judge that this should not be allowed to ruin his son's life.

while I understand the parent's devout love and dedication to their son, I am troubled by the fact that they raise a son who would rape any women (conscious or not). I keep thinking of that campaign I saw a few years ago "don't be that guy". why did they not raise their son to not be 'that guy'! the very nature of his dad's defense of him shows some concerning entitlement issues. he wouldn't be in this situation if he had been a caring individual who would seek help for a women he found unconscious, rather than take the opportunity to penetrate her. it's super disturbing.

that's the thing about rapists. they're somebody's son. as obvious as that is, it only occurred to me a few years ago. nobody wants their kid to grow up to be that guy. it's sad and scary to think what kids can grow up to do. they have just as much potential to grow up to do harm as they have to grow up to do good. when people tell their kids "you can do anything when you grow up!" they don't seem to consider that.

smellies

perhaps this was the wrong assumption. but when i bought some pears soap, i just assumed it was going to smell like pears. that just seems like obvious branding reinforcement. instead, i'm not sure what the smell is. i really would've preferred a pear scent.

do-over

i've had a really bad day.

i just finished a good old-fashion cry fest.

i cried with frustration about the still broken washing machine.

i cried because this sort of thing always gets the better of me – for some reason washing machine leaks cause me a great deal of distress.

i cried because eamon refused to nap this afternoon, when my anxiety levels were already high, and i was not at my best.

i cried because i parented really badly, and i felt so sad about how i treated him.

i cried because brendan and i fought.

i cried because when he tried to give me a break from eamon, i ended up feeling excluded, isolated and punished.

i cried because i went out and bought a new washing machine without discussing it with brendan.

i cried because i'd tried to talk about it with him several times, and there just wasn't a moment without distractions.

i cried because i keep speaking harshly this week, despite not wanting to, and i worry that i won't ever do better.

i cried out of fear and worry, regret and remorse.

i cried because i felt backed in a corner, like i had no options, and didn't feel safe.

shifter

I just called the appliance repaired service who fixed our washing machine, and the man I spoke to really downplayed the situation. he said stuff like "oh shucks, you get one thing fixed and the darn thing needs another repair". I tried to be assertive and say "we didn't have this problem before your guy fixed it. and we would like to be reimbursed for the money we spent on the rental equipment to dry out our basement".

I presume that he was just trying to deflect the blame, but it felt condensing. he could've easily have called me "little lady" and it would have matched his tone. I wasn't mad before I called, but I am now. Brendan was going to call and deal with them, but he's in an all day training seminar about trauma, so isn't available to do it.

I ended up setting up an appointment for the same repair guy to come over on Wednesday. so I suppose we'll have to take it up with him. I like that repair guy, he's done work for us before and he's very nice. I really don't want to get into conflict with him. I really hope they eat the cost for the sake of our return business.

suck

our weekend (for the most part) did not go as expected. our washing machine (that was "repaired" last Wednesday), overflowed in our basement. there was a thin layer of water everywhere. it was very stressful. thankfully, after lots of work and rental equipment, it has dried out.

it was really annoying because I'd planned to use my Saturday dealing with seasonal clothes and bedding, but did not get to it until sunday evening. thankfully, THAT actually didn't take that long to get everything sorted out, so I feel like we've regained some order in what was becoming an increasingly messy bedroom. which is always good for my mental state.

I remember a friend saying that preparing dinner for her family is a somewhat daunting task, and that when she's been traveling for work, she enjoys grabbing dinner when she feels like it. I'd say for me, it's eamon's bedtime. I feel like there is something about this mid-evening event that cuts my time up. there is a real shift after bedtime. I kind of wish that wasn't a thing, and I'm conscious of the fact that this clear point in my evening won't begin to erase for another 10 years.

despite floods and heat and bedtime routines, preschoolers who ignore reasonable instruction and dinner table disagreements with b... my weekend ended perfectly. sitting reading on a lightly made bed, with the windows open and the fan oscillating.

measuring sticks and short comings

have you ever known someone who clearly thought they knew best (perhaps you know this because they say that or are always talking about how everyone else is doing life wrong)? and for some reason life just pans out the way they believed it would, which just seems to affirm their belief that they've got it all figured out.

I feel troubled because I am not one who thinks I have life all figured out, I listen to other people's experiences, I have my own worldview and values, and I do my best to navigate the situations I find myself in with the knowledge and understanding that I have at the time. and yet, that doesn't seem to be enough. things still don't seem to pan out for me the way it does for people with certainty.

do my doubts or "maybe it will, maybe it won't" beliefs cause things to go awry? maybe if I was certain things would go well for me?

how much does one's perspective effect the outcome?

I have had several experiences in life where I believed with certainty, and then was crushed afterwards when things didn't work out. which is why I often approach life with trepidation. I hope for the best, but are prepared for the worst.

but maybe I'm too specific in my hopes. maybe these people who's lives workout just as they wanted don't have specifics, so however things unfold they're happy.

I want to believe that I will have a successful VBAC come the end of my pregnancy, but I'm afraid to believe with certainty because I thought I'd have an uncomplicated birth last time, and ended up with the opposite. certainty has harmed me, not only then, but with other big life events. 

I believed my parents would get back together

I believed that my boyfriend would come back

I believed I'd get that job

I believed that man would recover and not die

I believed...

maybe when it comes down to it, I'm trying to find the right about of faith to produce the desired result. or maybe I just want to see some vulnerability in the lives of these people who boast success. to feel like we're all just trying our best and sometimes things work out despite ourselves, not because we're worthy.

v day

I don't know if it's because we moved in during the summer, or if it's just because I love summer, but our house is definitely a summer house (or at least until we get our wood stove, maybe then it will be a lovely winter house). in the summer it feels more like a cottage than a year-round residence.

besides the obvious weather issues of winter, I find that our house feels stuffy and I'm breathing in gross stinky air. I also miss being able to sit outside, having the windows open, and hanging the laundry on the line. I feel like the air moves around our house so much better with the windows open (probably because it does!).

I love summer so much. I love the way the curtains sway from the breeze, and the sounds and smells of the outdoors.

we spent a lot of time outside this weekend. our big maple tree out front dropped it's helicopter seeds in our garden, and we spent several hours pulling out all the baby trees. it was a bit of a pain, and we're probably only half done. weeding is my least favourite part of gardening, because it's less of a creative process and more like an menial task. but it does really make a difference. at least we were under our big red maple.

not many neighbours were out gardening this weekend. we find the neighbours on our street to be very mysterious. we're not sure what they do all the day. in general, I'm a funny mix of friendly and reclusive. but when it comes to neighbours, I prefer to be friendly when I see them, so it would be nice to see them more often.

fire, fire!

last night Brendan and I had our first backyard campfire. although, since it was in our backyard and not at a campsite, "campfire" is probably not the right word.

at first, we planned to have our fire while eamon was still up, but then changed our minds because it would be a nice activity to do without him. like a mini "date".

it did not take long to get the fire going. for several years, I've been saving our dryer lint because I heard it makes good kindling, and sure enough it did. we've also been saving dead and dry yard waste, so we had lots to burn. it was fun. I didn't find the campfire smell particularly strong at the time, but I can smell it in my hair today :)

I'm looking forward to having campfires regularly, and for having friends over to sit around the fire with.

finding the right balance

I'm kind of confused about weight control during pregnancy. they say that women of my BMI should only gain between 15 to 25 lbs (some sources say only 11lbs). but i don't understand how I'm supposed to do that since i have all the same extra cargo as skinny mama's (baby, placenta, extra blood). especially since they say not to diet. I've tried to change my eating (mostly snacking) habits, and i think they're really starting to take (i don't have to be as mindful about it, and it's less of an effort than it once was). so far i think i'm doing well. at 6 months, I've only gained 8 pounds - I'm pretty sure at this stage with eamon I was pushing 25 pounds.

i wish it was more clear how I'm supposed to minimize my weight gain. i THINK I'm probably losing excess fat as the result of getting more exercise and better eating habits, but i have no way of knowing for sure. i think my face is looking slimmer, and shannon thinks so too. but how does that impact my BMI, i have no idea.

several people have told me not to worry because they gained 40, 50 or 65lbs with their pregnancies, but my BMI is my main risk factor for a repeat cesarean. and considering that's something i should be able to influence, i really want to be proactive about it.

shifting perspective

I've been reflecting lately on what it means to a person to feel heard. and in addition to that, to be understood. there have been many situations in my life where I have felt unheard, or what I was expressing (whether by words, actions or choices) was not taken seriously.

eamon's at an age where he's starting to get bossy. so I read a few articles about this, and it seems that he's trying to exert his independence. as a result, I've been trying to empower his independence when appropriate. I've been trying to be creative in giving him choices and asking for his help instead of doing for him or doing without his involvement.

it's made me think back on my life, and consider things differently. when I was a teenager, my family used to laugh at me and say that they had to use reverse phycology on me if they wanted me to do something. I'm thinking now that I wasn't cooperative with straightforward requests or instructions because I felt so frustrated and disregarded. I wasn't made to feel heard - for whatever reason, whether I was just sensitive or they actively ignored me.

I had a bossy, dominating older sister, then went on to have several bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) best friends, and a bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) boyfriend. as a result, I am very on guard to people bossing me around inappropriately. which has made me very attuned to eamon's bossiness, and I don't want him to boss around his brother like a little dictator. if not for his brother's sake, but for the sake of his future relationships (friendships and otherwise).

I was thinking a lot about that bossy and dominating boyfriend during the first jian trial, and the surrounding conversation about consent. I wonder if he heard those discussions and thought of me. for a while in our twenties we spent time as plutonic friends. now in our thirties, he has shrunk back and won't even look me in the face when we cross paths (which is somewhat frequently). I commented about it to b once, who simply asked "do you think that he's ashamed of how he treated you?" and I suspect that's probably true. especially since he now has a daughter of his own, and would probably never want her treated the way he treated me.

all this, because of a toddler who insists "no, my do it!". I suppose we are shaped by our experiences. at this point, I want to be shaped, and shape my sons, by exercising/demonstrating understanding.

BOOKS!

OH MY GOODNESS!

i want to be addicted to a good book right now. ideally a book series. I really want something I'm going to sink my teeth into for a long time.

unfortunately, it seems I've read all the good books. right now I'm read the brothers karamazov, and while it's ok, it's not a really much of a page turner. I think it's one of those books that I will work my way through slowly and be glad that I've read it, but right now I want a gripping, compelling, want-to-read-it-any-chance-I-get kind of book.

one of my favourite things is a summer evening and a good book. I've discovered that our front porch has similar qualities to our york street balcony, and I want to take full advantage of that. especially since I feel I've been watching too much tv lately.

the problem is that often some of the best books don't sound that compelling from a brief description (i.e. "a group of teenagers are forced into an arena to kill each other for sport until one is the victor"), so it's difficult to get past a sad overview (i.e. the current best selling book about a kid dying from cancer. geez, let me get my hands on that one quick :S ).

it doesn't have to be exciting. it can be a slow burn. I read a book years ago called "the wrong madonna" that my housemate lent me. it was a bit of a dark horse, and it was slow moving, but it was compelling to me.

I have lots of distractions and limited energy, so I don't have the same tenacity that I used to have with books. man, my twenties was fraught with worries and feelings of displacement, but did I ever have lots of time for discovery - books, past-times, self-improvement, regular flicks at the screening room, new friends, writing. I'm not going to say that I miss that, but I wish I'd really appreciated it more at the time.

anyway... perhaps i'll find something refreshing at the library tonight. I might even ask the librarian for a recommendation.

short-comings

i think i've concluded that i don't like hummus, which is too bad. partly because i have some that needs eating up. i've grown very sensitive to wasting food, particularly because it's a waste of money. despite this, I continue to throw out spoiled leftovers and rotten fruit/veggies, although I do it with a grimace. hopefully we'll get better at eating everything we buy. at 36, I still feel like there's still a lot of maturing to do.

I've noticed lately that I often nap when eamon naps. I didn't do that so much before. maybe it's because I'm pregnant, or because even on my days off I still have to wake up early. I wonder sometimes if it's just replacing a sleep-in (I get to sleep later instead of earlier). or if that enough time has past since becoming a mama that I don't really know what to do with my spare time anymore. I also feel like I watch more tv than I wish I did. I think this is partly because it's something b and i do together, and otherwise, we'd just spend our evenings doing separate things.

i think it's a good time for me to try to pick up prenatal yoga. i wrote it down on a list to do yesterday, but just felt tired after eamon was in bed. i feel like that's a beneficial thing to do other than sleep or couch.

sunny

I hung my first load of laundry of the year on the line yesterday :) i let it hang on the line overnight. i can't wait to take it all down. there's something very relaxing about methodically pulling on the line and unpinning everything. plus, folding laundry is one of my least favourite tasks, so i like that i get to just do it while i take everything down. it saves time later and drags out the laundry line experience :) I'm so pleased that it's outside laundry weather again. we need to wash and hang out duvet insert on the line because we just can't get it clean looking. it's ok since we usually have it covered, but it would still be nice to have it properly bleached by the sun.

after two days of exhaustion and my toddler doing everything the hard way, i think we've turned a corner. we all got a good night's sleep last night, so we were much more cheerful when we got up this morning. it's amazing the difference it makes to be well rested.

to market, to market

on mother's day, we went to the market for lunch. it was a beautiful day (albeit windy), and there was lots of activity there. it was nice.

I did have one awkward moment when brendan, eamon and I sat eating our lunch at a picnic table and there were two women sharing the other half. they were having a lengthy conversation about some friends of ours. that's the second time recently that I overheard people talking about friends of mine. the first time was slightly more awkward because I realized after the fact that the girl thought my (married) friend had been hitting on her. she told the story of their interaction, and knowing my friend, I didn't think anything of it (I know that he's friendly and inquisitive). it wasn't until later that I understood how she'd interpreted it. I wished that I'd realized at the time so I could've spoken up and set her straight. this second time wasn't quite like that because it was a much more positive conversation, but they did ask each other questions about our friends that we knew the answers to, while they didn't. it was tempting to speak up, but it didn't seem important enough, and it felt like an invasion. it was a good reminder though, to be mindful what I say in public around strangers :p

when we got home from the market, I reflected on the fact that I'd had a good time, but felt that I'm not good at market-going. to be good at it, you have to be prepared to check out each booth closely, speak with the merchants and be prepared to impulse buy. I'm not really prepared to do any of those things, so I keep my distance. (I don't like giving false hope that I'm going to buy something, so I don't want to look closely at the booths). but I think we'll try to keep going. especially over the summer months. it's on our way home from church on sundays, so we might as well :)

another twist

I just listened to a podcast about vbacs. well, it was supposed to be about vbacs, but the women talked a lot about birth and pregnancy in general. I am genuinely interested in both those subjects, but it started to bother me when they started expressing opinions about how I should FEEL.

opinions on diet? sure!

opinions on whether certain medical devices are necessary? ok!

opinions on posture and positioning? that's reasonable.

but when they speak with authority about how I should and shouldn't feel during my pregnancy, about my baby, about my future with my baby, I feel uncomfortable and unfairly reprimanded. as I was told once by a counselor that I respect, "feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad, they just are". I've also read before that pregnancy is the process of working through fears. those fears will effect anyone's feelings.

I'm a real words of affirmation person. I like to have my feelings validated. which is probably why I feel so annoyed about someone expressing deep disapproval for my feelings.

BUT thankfully (or at least I feel thankful about this), I am someone who considers things thoroughly, so i stand by my choices, validate my own feelings, and won't allow myself to feel guilty. I just think the world is diverse, and not an idealistic place, and it's important to leave room for different expression and different hopes, because we're not all going to be the same.

so empower me to face unknown circumstances.

encourage me that I am strong and capable despite my doubts.

support me with experience and insight.

but don't tell me that what i feel is wrong. perhaps unfortunate, but not insurmountable.

feet and heart

yesterday I had my first occurrence of sore and swollen pregnancy feet. I had it pretty bad with eamon, but it only really started around 36 weeks, and it was summer. I'm 23 weeks, and it's only may, so it feels early for that. but my midwife told me i'll have more of everything this time. that said, things are moving along quite quickly. next month i'll start my third trimester. maybe things will slow down again then, and i'll feel like everything uncomfortable is lasting a long time.

I've discovered recently that I've had some real heart-healing about my c-section with eamon. maybe its the hope that this time will go differently (in a good way). or maybe it's just that it feels like that experience is behind me and I've moved on to another chapter. regardless, it's nice to be able to think of his birth and not feel emotional about it.

in a way, his birth is pretty representative of life. not really what I had in mind, but still resulting in a love that fruitful and enriching.

probably one of the main differences about this pregnancy and my first, was that with eamon I was growing my first baby, but I was also growing into a mama. it was the birth of something new in me, in addition to the birth of a baby. this time, I'm already a mama, so the growth and preparation within me is different.

last night at our house

Brendan teases me because I am notorious for stubbing my toes. I stub toes several times a week. he also thinks I'm a bad sitter, because I tend to sit on thing that on resting on the couch, like papers or our cat (to be fair, I expect the cat to move when she sees my butt coming down on her).

last night, when I was up to use the bathroom at 2 am, I smashed my pinky toe into an ottoman on my way back to bed. it was extremely painful, and I writhed around in bed trying to deal with the pain. it continued to hurt all night, and come morning it's still very sensitive. from the feel of it, I expected it to be black and blue, or at least red and swollen, but it pretty much looks like a regular toe, only very sore. I'm limping a little. I think my toenail might have been bent back, which is why it hurts so badly :S

in other news from overnight, eamon slept last night in his new toddler bed. we're making progress! hopefully this transition will only take a few days or a few weeks at the most (fingers crossed!).

time is ticking away

I'm feeling a little headachey today. it's probably because of my inflamed pregnancy sinuses :S

I am so pleased that it's now May. not only is may my second favourite month (my most favourite is july), but it means that I only have 3.5 months left at work:

there are 3 weeks til the may long weekend;

then 5 weeks until our week of vacation (we've rented a cottage in prince edward county);

followed by 2 weeks before eamon's birthday (taking a long weekend);

then another 2 weeks before the august long weekend;

then 2.5 weeks until my last week of work :D

time is flying by, and I can't wait! yesterday someone was teasing me saying "then the real work will start", but I will enjoy my workplace and co-workers significantly more :) b says I'm like a little kid counting down to their birthday. but I'm pretty sure I'm more excited than any kid :p

during waiting periods like this, it's difficult to not wish your life away. to not spend so much time longing for something else that we don't live in the present. except, I don't feel like I'm living in my current work situation. I'm simply enduring each day. I'm looking forward to getting back to living.

iconically

well... to my complete annoyance, I got an email yesterday evening stating that our solar panel application has been terminated. it went on to explain that our representative didn't submit all the required papers. which was a bit weird because I signed off the last paper on Wednesday, and the next day they sent me this email. our local rep is very nice, but obviously inexperienced and unorganized. I'm really annoyed that we weren't told a deadline or sent a warning before they "terminated" it. I called the guy right away, and he was going to try to work it out and said he'd call me back, but hasn't yet. I guess i'll have to call the head office myself.

super annoy! I was excited about this, especially because it was going to help fund our wood stove!

renewable

forgive me if i've mentioned this before, but we're getting solar panels... for free!

we looked into this many years ago, but didn't proceed because that company wanted to pay us annually over 20 years, and it would work out to $36 a year. we concluded that wasn't that good of a deal.

BUT another company came by current house with a proposal for solar panels, and they're program includes payment upfront. so we thought that was a much better plan. so we've signed all the paperwork and they should be installed later this year.

one of the most exciting parks about this is that we're going to use the money to install a wood stove in our living room. the corner windows in our house look lovely, but are not very energy efficient. thankfully this winter wasn't really even that cold because it would've either been very chilly or very expensive. our living room ended up being the least used room during the winter because it was the coldest. i like the deep warmth that a wood stove gives.

i'm going to take the opportunity to redecorate that room. i'd like to paint it (colour yet to be decided) and get more colourful curtains. i'm not supposed to paint while i'm pregnant, and it makes sense to wait til after they make a massive hole in our wall. we have plaster walls and they chip easily when installing or hammering anything into them. we'll also need to install tiles on the wood floor.

funnily enough, all of this will probably happen in september, when we have a brand new baby. not the best timing, but at least i'll be home when they do the work. AND it's not like i'm installing anything myself.

the name game

I find choosing a name for someone a huge responsibility. it's something they're going to have to live with for the rest of their lives.

I like the name that we've chosen for our son. actually, I'm really very happy with it. I love the way all the names flow together. I love the meaning and significance of each name. I love the short-form for the first name, and how it sounds with our last name. I also like that it fits nicely with eamon's full name - they complement each other, like companion pieces. and isn't that what siblings are? companion pieces?

but often when I think it or say it out loud, it doesn't naturally roll off my tongue. especially compared to the name eamon. but then I have to remind myself, that there was a time that eamon was unfamiliar, and even felt forced to say. I even remember when he was first born, that I found that I was calling him "buddy" a lot, because it was more familiar, and I had to consciously remind myself to call him by his name (I didn't want him to think his name was buddy). AND while I was pregnant, we had doubts or second thoughts. I remember one night when we were lying in bed before falling asleep, we talked about different mean nicknames kids might come up with. I also felt hesitant because eamon could sound a lot like 'amen' - which is why I've started pronouncing that as aw-men.

all this said, my doubts are part of the process. especially since this type of decision is such a long term one.

I wish I could use the name more around the house when talking to b or eamon, so I could get used to it. but I'm worried that eamon might repeat it to someone else. although, he can't really pronounce it properly right now, so probably no one would understand him anyway :p 

shirley temples

i wish the weekend was just beginning instead of ending. I had a really nice weekend, and I want more of that.

on the way to work this morning, I puked all over my lap in the car. I had to turn around, drive home and change my clothes, then wipe up the steering wheel, etc. not a pleasant start to the day.

maybe things will only get better from here.

1lb mister

since before i got pregnant, i'd concluded that i wanted a girl next. i'd given it a lot of thought, and had concluded it was the best scenario for our family. so, not surprisingly, during the first half of my pregnancy, i was pretty convinced it was a girl. my instincts were right with every one of joy's pregnancies, so i have a good track record.

yesterday, we went for our ultrasound, and found that we're having a boy :) it was kind of not surprising, because when they were measuring his legs, there did seem to be a bit of a bulge there, but the technicians didn't say anything until the very end. that said, i was surprised that my instincts were wrong, but i did wonder all along if my preferences were clouding my judgement.

i didn't feel sad that our baby is a boy. but i did feel sad that it means that we'll never have a girl, since we're only planning on have two kids (and we're very firm on that). when we got home, we made the rounds of calling our family and emailed a few friends. but later, on our way to a dinner out to celebrate, i felt really emotional – i cried in the car and puked in the parking lot. the thought of two sons is overwhelming, and i don't think i have the energy or know-how to meet them where they're at. i feel scared about how to properly navigate boy issues, and i worry that as grown men they won't confide in me the way a daughter is more likely to. 

interestingly enough, my desire to have a daughter is a relatively new thing – only really surfaced in the last year or so. i've actually written blog entries in the past about why i want to have sons some day. i know there are plenty of great things about having sons, and perhaps with a little intentionality and a little "luck" the concerns i have won't really be an issue. i suppose it's often the stuff we don't expect to be an issue in life that blindsides us.

i'm feeling much more encouraged about the thought of two sons. i'm beyond delighted for them that they'll have each other, and i hope to really help foster a loving bond between them. and truth be told, i've always been more into boy stuff (minus sports) than girl stuff (was never into princesses, pink, etc). so i'm probably better suited to raising sons. plus, i read this interesting article yesterday on babble.com called "boys will be boys until we teach them to be more", which really makes me feel empowered as a parent that i don't just have to let them be hooligans.

probably the best thing is that within 24 hours we went from not having a clue about a name, to identifying and agreeing on a full name (first and middle names). so that's exciting.

i'm really glad we found out the sex. i wouldn't want to feel grief over never having a daughter when i'm meeting my son for the first time. which is in approximately 19 weeks! i'm looking forward to it :)

waiting

I have 65 channels on this hotel tv, and there's nothing on! so annoying. I'm trying to kill time before the conference starts. 20 minutes isn't really enough to do anything, but too many to do nothing.

Sent from my iPod

independent lesley

I'm on the train heading up to Toronto for a few days. listening to my iPod and looking out the window. it's nice, but I miss my b and eamon. but I'll enjoy this sojourn of independence. it reminds me of my single days. my headspace has more breathing room. I honestly can't tell you the last time I just sat and listened to my iPod. probably my last business trip to Phoenix in 2013. funny how being alone feels like a lighter, less complicated version of myself. perhaps funny because it never felt that way before, when I was single.

I hope I enjoy these days away. it's nice to have a break from my work routine. I hope everything with this conference goes well. I'm not a confident event planner, but I think I remembered everything. I'm also meeting my new boss. not exactly sure what my hopes are for that, other than hoping it doesn't go badly.

just leaving cobourg now. just over an hour left.

Sent from my iPod

just a tuesday night

i just simultaneously barfed up all my supper and peed my pants. the barf got everywhere. the barfing was so bad that i didn't even notice that i'd peed my pants until i was trying to take off my barf covered clothes. brendan is working in napanee. so i'm having to clean up, strip the bed, and take care of eamon. i'll have to have a shower when he goes to bed to wash the barf out of my hair.

the midwives said there would be more of everything this time. so far that's true...

growing up

I'm super grateful that I was able to connect with several different friends last week. it really helps me feel more like myself, and like life is more interesting :)

I suppose life is kinetic, and we have to expect that as it changes and situations evolve that it will take time to adjust. my latest adjustment is changes in eamon. after nearly 3 months of morning sickness, he got used to having brendan do a lot of the hands-on parenting stuff. and now that I'm more able, he expresses a firm preference for daddy taking care of him. if I offer to brush his teeth or read him books, he'll say "no! daddy". for a while there I just went a long with it, but now it's starting to bother me. it's making me question myself and his value of me. and perhaps the thing that surprises and troubles me about this is that I take it personally, and feel like withdrawing from him. this is definitely a pattern of mine in life. when I feel undervalued or un-enjoyed, I will withdraw from those involved before i'm excluded further or hurt. BUT I can't withdraw from my kid, nor do I want to. so now is the time for me to learn some maturity and how to navigate relationships changes in a healthy and productive way. I didn't actually expect to experience this with my toddler, but its a relationship, so I suppose it makes sense.

I think what i'll do is join in his bedtime routine so he gets used to my involvement there again, then eventually Brendan and I can take turns.

organized

eamon and I go grocery shopping every Saturday morning. I like this routine. taking him with me always makes that chore so much more fun. this week, when we got home and as Brendan put the groceries away, I spent some time cutting up veggies, and packing small containers with veggies or peanuts. it's been really handy! when I'm hungry, it's ready to eat, and when I packed my lunch for work, I just had to grab and container and go. no spending extra time when I don't have any. I hope I can make a habit of this. it's worth doing. it's only about 15 minutes, but it will really impact how my week unfolds :)

and counting

I've been working hard and intentionally on managing my weight during this pregnancy, and so far, I'm pretty much on track with the recommended amount - gaining 6 pounds over 19 weeks. our midwife susan gave me some simple recommendations yesterday that I will give a try. she said a lot of women think they're eating healthy, but are taking in a lot of sugar via fruit, juice and white food (like rice, pasta and bread). so we're going to switch to brown bread and pasta (which I have done before, but had kind of gotten out of the habit of), but b said no to brown rice, and I think that's a fine compromise. I do prefer white rice myself.

so today I looked up a bunch of easy healthy snacks to bring to work instead of fruit, and will attempt to pre-prep snacks to be available for easy grabs. I think this will be a good practice to get into for when eamon is bigger and starts getting his own snacks (although, he already helps himself to yogurt and crackers when he's hungry).

all that said... in light of some semi-depressing news at work today, I kind of want to go out and feast on useless and regretful candy. but I know that wouldn't help anything. I learned today that after 6+ years, emma will no longer be my boss starting in may at some point. I'm finding myself in the scenario I did not want - my least preferred option - and wondering why the heck things are unfolding this way. I guess i'll just have to do my best at making the best of the situation despite disappointments.

memory making

i grew up in a 1960s bungalow, not unsimilar to our current house. actually, when imagining the house we were going to live in for the next 30 years, i often thought of my childhood home. i felt it served us well and adapted to our changing needs over the decades, and i wanted a house that could do that.

the one problem point about the collins bay bungalow seemed to be the bathroom. i didn't have any problems with it. it suited my needs just fine, but i have distinct memories of my mom saying "this bathroom is too small for 3 people and a dog!" and on weekday mornings, i can hear her saying just that when, all three of us crowd in our bathroom (that has roughly 6 sq feet of floor space - including the spot for the kitty litter takes up). i am late just about EVERY morning, so I'm getting ready while Brendan's getting in the shower. and eamon refuses to stand outside the open door - he feels he MUST be inside the room with us. it is cramped. but this is one of those temporary things that will be resolved if we wait long enough. eventually eamon won't want to be near his half-naked parents, and perhaps someday i'll learn to be on time.

progress report

you might recall that I decided, a few months ago, that it was time for an overhaul of my eating habits. 3+ months into my new approach, I'd have to say that I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I'm not really denying myself stuff, but recognizing that 'treats' are only 'treats' when they are infrequent and not enjoyed every day. I'm actually quite pleased. I can tell I'm making progress because my first instinct is not a junkfood snack, where in the past it often was. I think the reality is that junkfood is more convenient, and is often ready to eat, while more healthy foods can take time to prepare. so poor eating it's kind of the result of laziness more than anything else.

unfortunately, as my baby belly swells, it's difficult to see a real difference as a result of my lifestyle adjustments. sometimes I even forget that I'm pregnant, and just feel like I have a big, growing belly. BUT my chiropractor has twice gone on and on about how healthy I look, and has told me I shouldn't worry about my weight. so I must be doing something right.

monkeys on the bed

ben and meg gave us audrey's old crib/toddler bed last night. they got her a twin sized bed with lots of storage underneath. we've been needing a toddler bed for eamon. we got it set up in his room last night, and even had some new toddler bedding that we bought several months ago (but didn't get around to actually putting on his crib). the plan is to get him used to the new bed (sitting on it, playing on it, maybe even napping in it) before he moves into it officially. however, we did give him the choice last night of which bed he wanted to sleep in, and he chose his crib.

I'd like to get him settled in the toddler bed long before the baby is born so that he doesn't associate the crib at his anymore. we've told him that the crib will be for the baby, and while he seems to understand that, he made a bit of a confused face because he obviously thought they were both going to be sleeping in it :p

it feels a little early to be setting up that room for baby number 2, but it's more about acclimatizing eamon - who took about 4 months to finally adjust to sleeping in his new room after the move.

blasé

i think my iron levels are really low. I've been really weak lately and have shortness of breath. it only really occurred to me that I should be mindful to eat iron rich foods to address it. so I had a double yolked hard boild egg this morning. my dad gets these double yolked eggs and thinks they're the best. he was given extra this month, so he gave some to us. I have to admit, I don't really see what's so special about them. they complicate baking, etc. but I suppose the two yolks will be good for me today. i'm also rather puzzled about how they get produced.

in addition to feeling weak and tired, i'm feeling a bit emotionally low. i'm feeling lonely and a bit disconnected from friends. I know this happens every once and a while, and I shouldn't be alarmed, but I hope to have a meaningful connection soon.

i was pretty disappointed to wake up to see a layer of snow on the ground this morning. when eamon got up later he said "it snowed? stop it snow!". my feelings exactly. we got our snow tires off last week, and there was a noticeable difference driving on the snowy roads this morning. even the light layer of snow made the roads slick.

improve

i found out the other day that i weigh the same as my dad, and that bummed me out. i think it's been making me extra critical of my appearance. i know that i'm pregnant, but at this point, it's not pregnancy weight. its just poor judgment weight that i gained in the fall from not exercising and eating too much.

on a more encouraging side, i know that i'm developing better, more sustainable eating habits. and on the whole, i'm getting more active again. so i feel like i'm making better habits that will benefit me in the months and years to come. and the fact that i'm feeling self-conscious, will probably motivate me to keep on track. i'm sure i didn't get as much exercise during my holidays, but i wasn't too concerned about it because i wasn't just sitting around all day.

it's hard to learn new habits, but i'll get there. i'm doing well with improving my posture, and it's only been a few weeks.

practical

well, I'm finished my vacation and back in routine.

yesterday, I was feeling quite rested and didn't dread the thought of returning to work because it had been a nice holiday and one that I felt satisfied by. it's a good feeling when you reach the end of your vacation and you're not upset about it.

recently I bought some new rubber boots. I loved my last pair of boots and was super bummed when they got a big hole in them. i would've liked to find a pair of boots that i loved equally as much, but i was under some pressure when i was boot shopping because we were heading into a week of lots of rain. the ones i bought were blue, and had this buckle on them that i took off, I'm not really a fan of buckles on boots. wearing them made me a little sad and it made me miss my old ones even more. BUT they're starting to grow on me. they're just very industrial. so when i worked in the backyard last week getting it organized, or went out in the mud with eamon, i found they really suited the functional nature of rubber boots better than my old ones. they remind me of princess Diana for some strange reason (i'm not really one to follow royals). despite that, this image comes to mind. i'm looking forward to more messy days in the mud with my blue boots.

grown-up vacation

i'm on vacation this week, and couldn't be happier about it. the last two months of work have been unpleasant, and having this time to relax, be at home, get stuff done, and sleep past 5:30 has been really good for me. it's a nice reminder that there's more to life than my work routine.

we decided this year, in lieu of a vacation abroad that we would do some modifications to our house. we've lived here 6 months now and have identified a few things that need modifying to suit our needs better. as much as we love our adventuring trips, we knew we couldn't do both – house stuff and trip stuff. and we just couldn't rationalize spending the equivalent of these house changes on just a week vacation during which we have to struggle with eamon's sleep routine.

so instead, i've scheduled all the work for this week off. yesterday we got a new dryer. the dryer that came with the house was so old, that i'm pretty sure we had the same one in my childhood home, and even then it was old. while it was impressive that it was still running, it would take forever to dry things. it would sometimes take us up to 3 days to get our laundry done (not running that whole time, but we'd forget to check on it and when we did, it was still damp, so we'd have to turn it on for another cycle).

one surprising bonus to getting a new dryer, is that we had to organize our storage room to create space for the old dryer to get removed and the new dryer be installed. it only took a couple hours, but we finally got that space organized. we have shelves for our camping stuff, and shelves for our baby stuff. shelves for tools and shelves for out of season clothes. it was really excited about it. 

this vacation is turning out to be very rewarding :)

mending mistakes

i've been thinking a lot about decision-making since a conversation with a friend last night. I am not a great decision maker. I belly-ache to no end about which option will be better, be safer, or more fruitful. and it's tough. I prefer when stuff just happens and I have to rise to the occasion, whatever it is.

I've made some bad decisions in my life. some things had a short impact, while other things had a longer lasting negative impact. I think we're all likely to make bad decisions from time to time. what I've concluded is that it's not a matter of IF we make bad decisions or not, but instead, how we respond when we find ourselves in a difficult situation as a result of a decision we made.

we can blame external factors - point fingers and demand sympathy or support from others*. or we can own it. take responsibility, choose to do things differently to what we did in the first place, and make amends (financially, relationally, emotionally, punctually). I feel like owning it is really the best way to redeem our situations.

*needing support from others is understandable. as the song goes "I get by with a little help from my friends". but we've got to put in most of the grunt work ourselves if we're really going to own the problem. it's not fair to ask more of others than we expect from ourselves. i guess it's a boundaries thing. my crap is my crap, and i can't spread it around and make it other people's crap :p

sometimes i struggle to give sympathy to others and that has damaged relationships in my life. it can be embarrassing, even regretful. but I know this... I'm much more effective at demonstrating sympathy when it's not expected or demanded. it's probably that emotional dance that bren is always talking about. as one dancer moves towards its partner, the partner moves further away. but I digress.

let's all just face our decisions with fortitude, and see where that takes us.

grieving the goat

now that the goat is closed, I've been spending a lot of time over the last few days feeling a mix of anger and sadness. I think the anger has often lessened my feelings of sadness, but ultimately I'm angry because I'm sad. sometimes I find myself just sitting staring, thinking about the goat. I feel like I'm grieving a friend. in a way, I feel silly about it, but like many other people, the goat was a significant place for me.

brendan and I went out for indian food the other night and left eamon with his nana and papa. we spent much of our time reminiscing about the goat. on our first/accidental date, we ended up at the goat. I remember distinctly sitting across from him and talking, feeling like that level of eye contact was making me surprisingly uncomfortable because it was so intimate.

but in addition to Brendan, I had loads of meaningful experiences with friends there. I had my first friendship date with rach there, and that's where jill and I started planning our trip to peru. I bumped into jonni revell there and he helped me exchange some boots at A-1 clothing after I bought the wrong size (and it was a final sale). I bumped into the erbs when they were out while the girls were on a playdate. it was one of our first real conversations and it was really deep and meaningful. I bumped into bren while she was out with her friend amy. on one of beckie's visits to kingston, we went there twice in one day. I remember being there with shanno celebrating andrew's birthday and seeing a drawing on the wall that looked exactly like Brendan (this was before we were dating) and she told me "all the girls who work at the goat have a crush on Brendan".

the goat was a significant coming of age space for me. melinda and I used to go there as teenagers, but then stopped for a number of years (we didn't really know why, we just didn't), but then we started going there again in our early 20s, and it suddenly became our go-to place. I loved that it was everyone else's go-to place, and chances were high that I'd bump into someone I know there.

on Saturday, I passed by when they were selling all their wares. it was super depressing. the garage door was open and I could smell it. I could smell the goat and it was right there, but it wasn't. I'm angry. I feel like we've been robbed. I wish this hadn't happened.

ah! sunshine!

daylight savings time is the BEST.

i wish we were on this time zone year round.

sure, we lose an hour with the time change, but that didn't really affect us here, because eamon just slept an hour longer, which was super nice.

and sure, it will be dark when i leave the house for work again, but i really don't mind because the extra hours of daylight on the other end are totally worth it. AND we still don't have proper blinds in our bedroom, so it means on weekends the sun doesn't stream in when i'm trying to sleep later than 5:30.

hip hip hooray for daylight savings time!

speaking ill of the dying

without a doubt, I'm going to miss the sleepless goat. BUT I'm hoping that the end of the goat era might be an opportunity for another, more well run boho café-restaurant will open. kingston didn't really have room for two. I think it's fair to say that the goat was a hole in the wall that people loved for nostalgia and the casual environment, but not for the run-down, slightly gross bathrooms and rag-tag kinda-falling-apart atmosphere.

the sad and frustrating thing to me about it's closure is that ultimately (I think) it was due to the idealistic co-op approach to business. at one point, there was one owner who probably knew what he was doing, but over the years, the revolving door brought in all sorts of co-op co-owners; some of which had no cooking experience and others had no business experience, and there's a big chance that many had neither (granted, not everyone). you can't run a successful business if the majority don't know what they're doing. a few years ago, they had a fundraiser to 'save the goat'. I said to b "what kind of business runs a fundraiser?" and he said "a poorly run one". that's really not a sustainable business model.

it's not that they didn't have a dedicated customer base. people LOVE the goat. I'm disappointed that a Kingston institution was basically run into the ground. sure, there are external factors, and I'm sure the big-dig road construction didn't help, but a 24 year old business should be able to endure such events. you know... I bet they could've sold the business rather than close it. that place has lots of name recognition and would've been a good buy.  

anyway... I've been to the wild oat in ottawa several times. it's well run, it's organized, the food is good and it feels like it would pass a close examination by a health inspector. I hope something more like that pops up in k-town in the next few months or years.

inconvenient lady

you know... despite this current, progressive age, I still find that people are uncomfortable with an informed and assertive woman.

I am a capable woman, and I have very little patience for incompetence. I'm not going to put up with people farting around, especially when it wastes my time. I take others seriously, and I expect them to take me seriously in return.

I don't really know why people don't know how to interact with me. when brendan and I are at a store, ordering home improvement stuff, they still assume that he's the one to address, when I'm the one who has dreamt up the idea and worked out all the details. there's usually a lot of mansplaining going on, until they realize I'm informed, and after that they try to keep their distance. they still assistance me and are pleasant about it, but they obviously want to get the interaction over with.

maybe I'm unintentionally rude and don't realize it. brendan tells me that some people are uncomfortable with untraditional women. maybe that's part of it, but if it is, I think it's time they do a little adapting.

second

I had my second adjustment at the chiropractor on Saturday, and I felt I responded to it better this time. I wasn't sore afterwards and I actually felt looser. I liked how she explained it as reminding the body about the full range of motion after years of the body getting used to a more limited range.

today when I got dressed I had a noticeable baby bump! it might have been because I decided it was time to wear maternity pants, and suddenly I have a baby belly :) I've heard some people say they popped right away with their second pregnancy. but i was a couple pant sizes bigger between pregnancies, so I didn't actually find that I started showing any sooner than last time.

on the weekend I bought a maternity swimsuit with some belated birthday money from Brendan's nana. I think she gave me more than usual because she felt badly about forgetting my birthday in December. but it worked out because I didn't want to buy a brand new maternity swimsuit, but couldn't keep wearing my regular swimsuit. we stopped by thyme maternity while we were out doing other errands, so both b and eamon were waiting for me. the store always have this faux bump to strap on under your clothes to see how you'd look in a few months. when I pulled open the curtain with my fake belly, eamon yelled out "baby!" I know he doesn't fully understand the whole situation, but I was impressed that he knew there was a baby in there. later we tried to explain that when the baby is born, it will join our family. he didn't look particularly happy about that, and said with mild disgust "why?" :p

outside

yesterday, eamon played outside in the backyard by himself for the first time! he played before lunch and then again after his nap. it was really nice! he really enjoyed himself, and it was really nice for us to get lunch and supper ready without him shadowing every movement or getting into mischief. I'm pleased. I'm looking forward to more of this. having a backyard (with a fence) is really nice :)

just last week, I was telling bren that people don't use our park very much in the winter. but since then, I've seen people skating in the park! we don't even have a city rink, but enough water has frozen around the park that people can skate (if they clear it with a shovel first). it was really neat! I felt really excited to see that. when I was a kid, our backyard used to freeze into a natural rink and we'd spend hours on there skating. so I'm happy to see this little community rink :)

bones

i had my first adjustment at the chiropractor's yesterday. she did 4 adjustments in total. 3 out of 4 went very well, but one of the adjustments on my pelvis did not budge at all. this is very intriguing and could be related to why eamon got stuck. since my pelvis did not adjust, it could be an indication that it didn't flex as it should while I was in labour. we're going to keep working on it. I'm going back in tomorrow. once we start making some progress, I can go in less frequently. she'd found beforehand that everything with my pelvis appeared to be aligned and normal, but perhaps it's not sitting quite right.

being adjusted by a chiropractor is a bit of a weird experience. it's definitely not gentle like physio or massage therapy. she was literally slamming into me, all the while assuring me it was fine and regular. each time I'd let out a bit of an "uuuh" sound. I'm hoping i'll start to acquire a taste for it, and get a sense of relief from it. I didn't feel badly afterwards, although I was a little sore, like I'd been roughhoused and in a way I was :p

begin again

one of the most defining factors of my 20s was my osap debt. and when I finally got that paid off, I could not have been more relieved. here... read for yourself my blog entry from September 2009. there is truly a sense of earnestness to my words. and that state of euphoria made me NEVER want to go back.

when we decided that it was a good idea for Brendan to go back to school in 2011, we came up with a plan that allowed us to pay for it upfront and avoid needing to take on a loan to pay for it. b has never been in debt, but he's very financially prudent, so he shares my dedication to avoiding taking on debt. we were very pleased that we managed to get it all worked out well without financial aid. so when our car died unexpectedly last year, we were facing the decision of getting a older or smaller car, which would allow us to pay with cash, but probably wouldn't be very dependable. OR do we get a newer, bigger car and apply for financing. thankfully, my mom was able to offer us an interest free loan.

at first I was reluctant. she helped me pay for my first car - a 1987 VW jetta that caused me constant trouble. it was $3,000 in 1999 and I don't think I ever finished paying her back. I felt badly about that, and didn't want her to feel obligated to offer to lend us the money. but when I brought up that past experience, she simply said "that was a long time ago, you've matured and you're good with your money now". so we accepted. we got to decide on the payment terms and chose to be really aggressive with our payments.

I'm telling you all this because... TODAY WE MADE OUR LAST CAR PAYMENT! (less than a year later!!!) HHHOOOOOOOORRRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we're so relieved. sometimes paying for the car has been a huge frustration and it's been a difficult financial addition to buying a new house. but we were disciplined and managed to meet all our financial commitments. instead, we've had to do without things we want, but thankfully we've never had to do without things we needs. sadly, we won't be taking a trip this year, which is a total bummer. BUT we can't have everything, and as much as I love traveling, being debt free is more important to me, so it a sacrifice worth making.

I share this a bit reluctantly - I don't want it to seem like a humble brag. sure, I am very proud of us, but that's not the motivation. I'm just so happy and feel so liberated, and I wanted to do something to mark this achievement. besides, I think money is too much of a taboo these days, and I prefer to talk openly about it. let's demystify it a little :)

here's to our sportaj mahal... long may you run!

p.s. I only just realized that my first car was older than my husband :p hahaha

bumps, eyes and faces

a little while ago, i noticed that i had a white bump on my skin close to my left eye. it looked a little like a white head, but it didn't go away. i remembered that my old housemate used to have that, so didn't think much of it. then a few month later, another one appeared in a much more prominent place on my face, and i decided i wanted to do something about it.

after googling it, i found (not surprisingly) that it can be treated with tea tree oil. i've used that to treat other skin stuff, so this made sense to me. so i dabbed a little on each bump, but i found on the one closer to my eye, that the fumes from the oil agitated my eye, or maybe even seeped into it a little, so i decided not to treat that one. the other one disappeared in about 10 days :) it's been a little while now, and i decided i wanted to do something about the other one. so i started dabbing the q-tip to remove any excess tea tree oil before applying it to my face, and that helped keep it contained. i'm pleased that after about a week, i'm starting to see results. and what previously looked like a white head, has been diminished to a pink bump and i'm sure it will be gone in a few days.

tea tree oil is good stuff. it's super potent and mildly dangerous, but if used moderately or diluted, it's very useful!

adjusted

yesterday I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever. I'd never had a reason to go before, but my midwife recommended it. It can reduce the risk of C-section, and I'd really like to avoid a repeat. and since I have coverage through work, I thought I'd give it a go.

it was REALLY interesting. for my initial visit, I didn't get adjusted, but we just talked about my history. this is a chiropractor that specializes in prenatal care, so she was very knowledgeable about birth in Kingston and her clinic was filled with birth related stuff (baby name books, posters for the mother's circle, etc). I mentioned in my intake survey that I've been having lower back aches since September. and when we were chatting, I mentioned that my posture has been an issue for me. I stood up to show her how my butt slopes and before I said anything she said "wow, that's really tucked in there! we can do something about that".

I had to get into a gown and shorts. she mentioned that I needed to put my hair up, but I couldn't find an elastic in my bag and they didn't have a spare one available. so I put my toque on and tucked my hair up inside it. as I waited with my hat, gown, socks pulled up and pink slippers they provided, I thought I looked like an escaped hospital patient.

it was amazing really because when she looked at my back, she said "oh yes, there's a whole lot of posture stuff going on" and pointed out how my lower back was really compressed. she asked "do you have bad menstrual cramps?" I told her yes, and that my labour pains started in my back. She said "ah, that's probably why they thought your baby was posterior". how neat! it's all connected. it turns out that my right leg is shorter than my left leg, and it's actually slightly smaller (my calf muscles are more narrow). it turns out that my sister and dad also see a chiropractor because one leg is shorter than the other. so maybe it's genetic!

I'm looking forward to my first adjustment next week. I'm excited about getting help with my posture. it's also good to be reminded and motivated to correct it. once I bought this back support thing for my computer chair at work and still use it. our chairs are supposedly high-end ergonomic chairs, but I got this back support thing mostly to keep me sitting upright rather than slouching back, which is what I do without it.

I feel like this experience will be worth it, even if she finds my pelvis is fine (which was her initial impression). she also told me, that since I made it all the way to 10 cm and pushed for 4 hours last time, that this time, when I reach 10 cm, I'm going to feel a lot of trepidation and fear. she encouraged me to share those fears with my midwives and to face them. that's interesting insight, and a good possibility. I've kind of expected that to feel trepidation before that. I'm worried that there will be factors stopping me from reaching 10 cm. but when I finally get there, i'll feel like "ok... let's do this thing!". I've been told by many folks present (and even nancy who wasn't there, but heard nurses talking about me afterwards) that I'm a good pusher. and if I can do it based on instinct rather than from will-power (because of my interventions), I think i'll push even harder. so we'll see.

sever

on my drive home from work today, in my manual car, i suddenly remembered a dream i had last night that my feet were amputated. it was the weirdest timing, since i was using my feet a lot to drive – brake, clutch, gas. after i remembered i felt keenly aware of my feet. it was interesting, because in the dream i remember thinking about how they were there, and then after the surgery they were gone. i have no idea why they were amputated. that didn't seem to be part of it.

i'll have to look up what that means.

tunes

I've been complaining to Brendan lately that there's nothing good on the radio these days. cbc radio sonica, which I usually love, has been playing a stream of songs that don't interest me at all. they all blend together as the same bland song. except for one. I really like the new jim Bryson song, so when that comes on I perk up. however, I think I've concluded this is a good thing. when I was pregnant, I listened to 'of monsters and men' a lot in my first trimester, and ever since, whenever I hear them, I feel nauseous. so at least no good music has been ruined for me this time. but it would really nice to listen to a bunch of good songs.

funnily enough, when I drove home during a white-out a few weeks ago, the radio was playing hit after hit. that was the best part of that drive home. it made it manageable. music goes a long way with making me feel invigorated. I need that right now.

sweetest

brendan is pretty good at responding when I'm gagging and about to throw up. unfortunately, he learned the hard way that I will barf all over the floor if I don't have a bucket. usually a glass of water really helps my barf-impulse to pass, and he will bring me one when I need it. a few weeks ago, I threw up because I changed eamon's poopy diaper while Brendan was out (since them I have to cover my face with a shirt). eamon followed me to the washroom, and stood behind me as I heaved into the toilet saying "water, momma? water?" I thought that was very sweet, but said "it's ok, buddy, it's ok". once I was done and started to get my bearings again, I found that he'd brought me my cup of tea from the kitchen table and left it on the bathroom sink.

quotes

I barfed up all my breakfast before I left for work this morning. so I had a second breakfast when I arrived. I'm looking forward to this being behind me. I'm sure Brendan is too :p

I've been busy landlording lately - planning renos and arranging service calls. I really enjoy it. I think it's because there's a creative element to figuring out such things, as well as a challenge to working out logistics, etc. it helps that we have good tenants, and the funds to do such upgrades. that's one advantage to not getting laid off.

up and running

well, after nearly three months... I FINALLY got my design software reinstalled on my computer. it has been a HUGE pain. this is the kind of thing I would have a nightmare about - being made to work even though my employer wipes my computer and neglects to keep my work tools. argh!

I'm just glad that it's resolved.

one of the most annoying things about it, is that no one said "we're so sorry. obviously we made a mistake". an apology and empathy goes a long way to making me feel better. I'm surprised at the number of people who don't offer that olive branch. I know it doesn't fix anything, but it's comforting and re-instills trust.

beginning and ending

well... i'm happy to say that my weeks of sickness and exhaustion is the result of a little bouncing baby. we had an ultrasound this morning, which confirmed my positive pregnancy test. the baby is 6 cm big, and appears to be perfectly formed :) at one point, with the 4D view, it looked like the baby was dancing! it was very neat, and it got a little tear-eyed. partly from joy, and partly from relief. seeing that little baby made all my nausea and barfing worth it.

so now all I need is to find out if I'm getting laid off or not. if i do, that's fine. I'd get a severance package up until the start of my mat leave. and I'd really enjoy spending my time parenting and volunteering. but that might not happen. so if not, hopefully they'd slot me into a spot that i like for the next 6 months.

february feeling

lately i feel like i've lost a bit of my sense of self. by the time evening comes, i'm not sure what to do with myself. it's like i've forgotten what i used to do with my spare time. i've been so sick and so tired lately, that i've been going to be really early since the beginning of january. that's my new normal. it's just weird to me because when i find myself with free time, i feel at loose ends, and i just stand around wondering what to do with myself. that sort of thing has only happened to me after big life changes. so it's odd that i'm experiencing it now. i suspect that winter is part of it. i feel cooped up indoors a lot, and have little energy or ability to try anything different. even my latest crochet project has been a bit of a flop. geez, as i see this in writing, it seems like i'm depressed, but i'm not.

weather weather

well, that was a harrowing drive into work this morning. after friday's drive home in a white out, I thought the drive in today would be easy. it wasn't. I don't really know why I put myself through that white-knuckling drive. I'm glad we have snow tires though. but I miss our 4-wheel drive that we had in the crv. but I stayed on the road, which is more than others can say.

things are still up in the air. I should hear in the next week or two if I have a job or not. it's hard to stay engaged in the meantime.

pitas

my dad babysat for me last night so I could go to the ash wednesday service at next. it's been long in coming, but he and eamon are really starting to bond. it's really lovely to see eamon laugh and squeal and run around in excitement when he sees granddad arrive out front. it's lovely seeing them read together, watch youtube videos of fleetwood mac and the eagels, and hug good night.

i remember when joelle was a little toddler, she couldn't say "granddad" and it just came out as "dad!". eamon does that too.

it's really nice for both of them to connect, and in turn it's nice for me to see.

it's a waiting game

after an announcement yesterday, i'm currently waiting to find out if i'm getting laid off as a result of restructuring.

i'll keep you posted...

(i'm not worried either way, whatever will be will be)

henna patterns

i'm generally pretty reluctant to jump on bandwagons with trends. i dunno. i think it comes down to checking my motives, and if it's just because i feel pulled to join the crowd then i try to steer clear. but yesterday, i bought myself an adult colouring book. it felt like a funny thing to buy myself, which is why it took so long for me to do it. BUT not only did i enjoy colouring as a kid, i basically coloured my way through college with draft layouts, etc. so this hobby actually fits with me as an individual pretty well.

in college, we were given a list of supplies that we would need to get at wallacks. it included this expensive box of pencil crayons. after a semester or two, it became clear that they were crappy penceil crayons, they would break really easily and the colour of the lead did not match the colour of paint on the outside. so i got a less expensive set, which served me much better. unfortunately, i can't find my cheap set, and have been stuck with the expensive ones that are less good.

i'm finding it a bit annoying that once i colour a shape, i can't change it to another colour if i don't like how it looks. in illustrator, i can change the colour an endless amount of time. so i'm going to have to think it through a bit more thoroughly than i did initially.

stuff I'm objectively good at

I had my yearly evaluation the other day. it went very well. I must say, that despite how I feel or what i'm experiencing in life at any given time, I know that I'm good at my job. and I like that. I like having things that I know I can depend on doing well.

I have a few guarantees...

1) i'm good at tracing stuff in adobe illustrator

2) in super mario bros 3, i'm good at stomping on the koopa in the castle

these are the things I can do well, confidently with peace of mind. they might not be the most practical (well, the illustrator thing is a good skill for a graphic designer, but it doesn't give me much cred outside that sphere). pretty much everything else I do, i have to hope for the best. generally, life is a crap shoot for me. i know this, and I'm pretty well adjusted about it.

BUT consistently exceeding expectations as an employee is good. it's nice to have that to depend on.

early night

last night, brendan and i went to bed at around 8:45. we got in from an evening at b's mom's place, put eamon to bed, collapsed on our bed, then decided to just given in to sleep. i woke up well rested, but i also woke several times in the night. apparently my body thought it was just a nap. early nights have definitely been part of my winter this year.

artificial ice

despite the unseasonably warm weather yesterday, we three lorimers went skating yesterday. both eamon and I got skates for Christmas and we were keen to try them out. brendan doesn't currently have skates, but that worked out fine, because he was able to support eamon as they circled the rink.

its been a while since I went skating. the last time was 5 years ago, then before, that it was 5 years ago, and then before that... I was probably a teenagers. I definitely found that ice skating is not like riding a bike. it doesn't come back as naturally, and makes one feel rather vulnerable. my ankles really hurt! I've concluded that either I'm extremely rusty, or I was never as good a skater as I thought I was. I think it's just that I'm rusty. it's not that I was a great skater, but I was a comfortable skater. when I was growing up, our backyard would flood and freeze naturally and we'd be out there skating all the time. it was really fun. I like the idea of a backyard skating rink, but I prefer it to happen naturally with no effort on my part :p

eamon seemed to enjoy himself. at this point, I wouldn't say he's a natural, but it's probably too early to determine that sort of thing. he was the littlest skater there. I was glad when the Zamboni came and did its thing, since eamon's never seen one of those in real life, yet there are a few in his "current" (he's on his second) hockey book from the library. he was a little frightened by it - he doesn't like loud, aggressive things, and zambonies can have an intimidating presence for a 2.5 year old.