otis's birth – part 2

susan had mentioned that the midwives were having an evening meeting at the clinic, but when we arrived it looked like they were having a potluck. we didn't want to interrupt, especially since we were early, so we walked around the building a few times before one of the midwives came out and we mentioned we were there to see susan. the weird thing was that that midwife asked us (a man and very pregnant woman) if we were clients and if we had an appointment. so we confirmed that we were and that susan was expecting us. 

she brought us inside, and someone joked about how if we wanted to have our baby then, all the midwives where there and could help :) i remember seeing alyssa and she waved at us. susan took us into her room and got me set up on the monitor. she was going to let it run for a half hour to see how my baby's heart rate was, and to see if i was having contractions. thankfully his heart-rate was strong, so that was not an issue. she also checked my cervix and found that i was 2-3 cm dilated. over that half hour i had 5 contractions that were growing in intensity, but she said they'd need to be longer and stronger than that. it turns out the midwives where having a party-meeting. they have some new equipment that doesn't fit super well into their bags, so they had this dinner meeting (ordering in thai/cambodian food from pat's) to share ideas on how everyone is managing their equipment. she also mentioned (and i can't remember if this was funding they're hoping for or have officially heard that they're receiving) that they were celebrating some funding for new bags. 

anyway, she also took us into the pap-room to do an internal exam and used a swab to confirm that it was definitely my amniotic fluid – and it was. she went over my options. i could be induced right away or i could wait 24 hours (from when my water broke), because 50% of women will go into labour on their own within 24 hours, or i could wait 36 hours, because 75% of women go into labour within 36 hours. waiting 48 hours was also an option, but not one she encouraged, and truthfully i didn't want to wait that long either. i told her that i didn't want to be induced, and that i wanted to wait 36 hours before further action was taken. so we came up with the plan that i would go home, take a bath (she only recommended one bath since my water was broken so that protective seal was gone, but i could take as many showers as i wanted), take some tylenol and gravol and try to get some sleep on the recliner on our couch (i could lay down, which would keep the contractions coming, but not be reclined all the way so i could still get some rest). then we'd be in touch again in the morning. 

so we went home with that plan. when i got there, i decided to have a shower instead of a bath because the thought of getting down and up again into the tub seemed very difficult. so i started a shower. it was so nice in there, that i just stayed in. i found my contractions were increasing, so i'd just move and sway, and allow the hot water to fall on my back during each new wave. after a half hour, i thought i probably should get out. during that half hour, i estimated that i'd had about 10 contractions, and they were getting stronger. 

when i got out, i got ready for bed (teeth, contacts, etc) and headed to the living room to sleep on the couch. not only was i not really sleepy, i was starting to feel like the baby was going to come sooner than the following morning. i tried to explain to brendan that i didn't think getting sleep was necessary, but he didn't quite catch my drift right away (which was i think the baby is coming). we got out my trusty hot-pad, and with each contraction, i would stand up and he would apply the pad to my lower back until it was gone. we developed a pretty good system with that. i was using my iPod to time them, and found that they were less than 5 minutes apart, but they weren't hitting that 1 minute long target, so we just kept waiting. brendan was tired, and i kept saying "maybe we should call the girls back", but he thought it was too soon to trouble them. 

around 10:30, i did call them and said "it's time to come back". i also called my mom around that time, realizing i hadn't given her an update since early afternoon. when i told her "my contractions are 2 to 3 minutes apart" she said "shouldn't you be at the hospital by now?", so i explained that we were waiting for the contractions to last 1 minute, be 5 minutes apart for 1 hour. by then my contractions were varying in length from 45 seconds to 1.15 minutes, and i thought they should be more consistent than that. eventually, when we reached 2 hours at that pace, brendan called susan again, and she asked to speak to me. while on the phone with her, i had 2 more contractions and she was able to hear me. i remember feeling slightly self-conscious that everyone was just sitting watching/listening to me during those 2 contractions. when i got back on the phone with her, we tried to determine when was the right time to meet up at the hospital. i didn't want to head over too early, and i kind of thought she'd come check me at home first, but she said to me "are you having any pressure or sensation in your rectum?", and at that point i was starting to, so i said "a little". so with that she decided we'd leave right away to meet at KGH. brendan, shannon and rach helped me get ready. i had a few remaining things to go in my overnight bag (thankfully i had prepared a list so they could just grab the things without me having to think about it). i felt very lucid and normal between contractions, i could talk and express my needs quite well, which was good (different from last time).

by then i'd asked for a bowl in case i had to barf, and i had a trusty dishtowel that i used to wipe my constantly sweating face. i was thankful for the dishtowel because it doubled as something for me to squeeze when a contraction came on. so with those things in my hands, we got into our cars and headed out.

otis's birth – part 1

i was fully asleep when i was woken up by my water breaking at 4:30 am. it was a subtle feeling, but it woke me anyway. i immediately sat up to rush to the bathroom and told brendan "my water broke". it leaked out all the way to the washroom. brendan, who is usually dazed and confused when he's been sleeping, tried his best to clean it up, by going back and forth to the kitchen getting one piece of paper towel at a time. at one point, he even started spraying the floor with some cleaner. 

thankfully though, it was clear (no meconium). so once, we changed the sheets and dried the floor, we got back into bed. since my side of the bed was quite wet, i suggested we put some newspaper down on the mattress before putting on the sheets (inspired by 'call the midwife'). that worked pretty well. so we tried to sleep for another 2 hours, but not only was i not sleepy, i was having regular contractions roughly 6 minutes apart. i was encouraged. last time, no contractions started after my water broke. we waited until 6:30 before calling our doulas and midwife. the plan was to get eamon to daycare, and then we could focus more on the birth. around 7 we called our families to let them know. i'd made arrangements with joy to pick up eamon from daycare so he could spend the evening with them, then nancy would pick him up around 7 or 8, to take him to their place to sleep. he's had sleepovers there before, and she has a toddler bed set up for him in the guest room, so it would be the easiest overnight solution. since it was the first day of school, eamon was starting in a new class at daycare. he'd had a few visits up to that class and had started expressing resistance to the idea of that being his new room (often saying "no big boy room" before leaving in the morning). we'd miss picking him up and seeing how his day went in the new room.

soon after my water broke, i estimated that since i was already having contractions, AND i was expected to dilate quicker this time around, that the baby could be born by late afternoon. however, by then i hadn't noticed that my contractions had gone away. they only occurred when i was lying down. once i was up and doing, nothing happened. 

brendan decided he would go into work, at least until thing got going. so he headed out with eamon as per usual. after he left, i sat out front on the porch drinking tea like it was a regular day.  rachel and shannon arrived around 8 and we decided to go for a walk; it was a lovely day, and walking usually helps get things moving. we walked up to the new schools because rach and shannon didn't know where the schools were being built, then walked more about the neighbourhood. while walking shannon suggested we play scrabble! and why not? we had a lot of waiting to do.

so we played scrabble and ate the banana bread that eamon and i had made on saturday. shannon started recording my contractions, which were random and inconsistent. she developed a rating scale to keep track of their intensity. in the meantime (around 11), b came home for lunch. his co-worker was VERY surprised that he was at work at all – people definitely have the impression from tv that labour is fast and dramatic. sometimes there's a lot of waiting around to be had. as we chatted, we talked about how susan (my midwife) had recommended using a breast pump to help things progress (and rach mentioned that she found nursing astrid very helpful when her water broke with muirgen). so we headed out to medical arts pharmacy to rent one. however, when we arrived, we learned that to buy the equipment (tubes, bottles, etc) to go with the pump costs $75, in addition to the $25 for the pump rental. so we left, since i'd decided in advance (without knowing how much it would cost) that i would be willing to pay up to $50 for the rental. we got home, and chatted together about what to do next, and concluded that i should have a nap and the girls were going to "go home" (turns out they went for a massive feast at red lobster. this is extra funny to me since they're vegetarians. well i guess they're technically pescetarians).

while lying down, my contractions got stronger. i couldn't sleep, probably because i'd had some ice tea while playing scrabble, but thought resting was good for me. i spend some time reading while i lied down, and figured out how to use this contract timer app on my ipod. it was very handy, and showed my contractions were once again steady while lying down. i called b at work to talk things over. by this time it was early afternoon, and it was clear that my prediction of a late afternoon birth was not going to happen. i was starting to feel anxious that things weren't progressing and i was going to find myself labouring through the night and exhausted like i did with eamon. i concluded that paying $100 to get my contractions going stronger was worth it if it meant i wouldn't need to be induced. so i emailed shannon and rachel and they came back to get me so we could pick up the breast pump. BUT when we got back to the pharmacy, the lady told us that the last one was just rented out a half hour before. while that was disappointing, part me of questioned if we should do the breast pump thing at all. i did after all want to wait for my body to do the work itself. maybe it was for the best that it was gone.

we did, however, come up with the idea to go to the shoppers home healthcare place to see if they rent them out too. and thought we'd just check in at shoppers first to see if they have any pumps for sale. in the end, we chose a manual pump that was on sale for $25. while we were there, i thought i'd get some longer pads, because i was having to wear 2 pads all the time because my water kept gushing from time to time. we picked some out and started towards the cash when shannon spotted some depends underpants. i had heard that depends were good for when your water spontaneously breaks, so i decided to get those instead. we really didn't know how much the depends would absorb (were they for dribbles or full on blabber expulsion), so we got the maximum absorbancy ones.

when we got home, we tried out the pump while brendan called susan again. she recommend that we use the pump for 15 minutes, then take a break for 45 minutes. i was lying down while using the pump and while i THINK i had contractions (i already can't remember all the details), it was hard to tell if it was because of the pump or the lying down. during our 45 minute break, we went for another walk, and i tried walking along the curb to help position the baby well (so that his head would press firmly against my cervix). i took the girls down this secret path behind the houses near my house. it's a neat spot that feels far from the city. i can see my sons playing there when they're bigger, even building a fort there. the path leads down to the oak street garden. i like being able to see in to my neighbours backyards.

while i tried my second 15 minute session on the pump, shannon (by then known as 'the party doula') got out some madlibs and we played while we waited. we also decided to order a pizza. while not a lot happened labour-wise, it was a fun day of hangout all together :) we had lots of laughs throughout the day. one thing that made us laugh was that for the last few hours i had kept talking about my breasts producing meconium while using the pump. i MEANT to say colostrum, but shannon didn't correct me and rach didn't notice for at least 2 hours :p

brendan had arranged with susan that we would go to the midwives clinic at 7:45 so she could run some tests and we could come up with a plan. as we ate dinner, i was saying how i was feeling anxious that things were too similar to last time, and worried that things were going to turn out the same way. i was surprised by this, because i had expected to feel worried about pushing my baby out, i hadn't expected things to be similar to last time. although, my water was clear, AND i was having contractions (even if they were random), so there was some differences.

anyway, 7:35 came around and we all headed out. b and i to the clinic and the girls were going to head home until we called them later on.

+3

it's been a LONG weekend without any plans. eamon's in a weird pesty mood these days, and it's tiring us out. thankfully, nancy offered to have him for a bit today, and after breakfast, he immediately got dressed and put on his shoes saying he was going to nana's. so i gave her a call and she was more than happy to have him.

so i got to sleep in til 10. then we went to the collins bay flea market. it was my first time there, which was ironic because i grew up in collins bay and had never been there before. it's been a flea market for ~25-30 years. before that it was a john's deli. i went there when it was john's deli and bought mini-chickets. anyway, after that we went for a long long walk at lemoine point. it was nice. more relaxing than it would've been with eamon.

this is a funny time in life. well, not funny 'haha', but funny as in interesting and unique. as far as i know, this is my final time waiting for baby. and that makes this really nice and special. it naturally dominates my thoughts. i feel torn between enjoying this familiar and predictable existence, and longing for my baby's arrival – and all the excitement and joy that can bring (and relief too).

i know that there are things you can do to bring on labour, but i'm actually opting to wait it out, rather than trying to influence something i can't/shouldn't. i'm quite convinced that all the interventions last time (great and small) only interfered with eamon's birth, instead of helping.

i have a lot of fears too. fears that they'll have to end up intervening if or when he goes way over due (when talking with a friend the other day, she told he how ratty and falling apart her placenta was when her baby was born 10 days late). i've been trying to avoid being induced, so i would be very said if they end up breaking my water. i'm also worried that my body will be slow to act – too slow. i can't say it's given me a lot of reason to be confident in its readiness to begin labour. then again, rach and alyssa both keep saying how well i dilated, even when induced. so maybe i should have more faith in my body's ability to birth well. i dunno. we'll find out eventually, i guess.

waiting is the hardest part

oh my goodness, i'm grumpy.

it seems i have run out of things to do, and now i'm just sitting pining for my labour to begin. it's not that there's nothing to do, it's just that there's nothing i'd rather be doing than taking care of my new baby and getting to know him. i'm grumpy and kind of mopey about it.

it doesn't help that i know i have a painful and difficult process ahead of me before i get hold said baby, so i just want to get that bit over with.

here's my plan...

have a short list of doable activities to fill my time between mope-sessions.

these activities will include napping, reading, eating.

i also have a few 'one-off' activities, such as watching the last episode of call the midwife, collecting the laundry off the line, taking a shower.

no need to feel sorry for me, i have generated enough self-pity on behalf of everyone.

also, no need to invite me to do stuff, because i already know i'm not interested.

blah, blah, blah.

keeping busy

last night i dreamt about labour all night. i dreamt about the nonnat-nuns and expired yogurt.

i felt pretty discouraged when i woke up. i'm so uncomfortable and just want my baby to be born. i sat in the living room feeling like "what the heck am i going to do with eamon today?". i'm super grateful for my partner who gave me lots of ideas and helped me get my day back on track. it's 8:45 and eamon and i have prepared some chocolate chip zucchini muffins, which are in the oven baking at this moment.

after they're ready, and we each eat one fresh from the oven, we'll head out to babies r us so i can buy a bassinet on wheels with my earnings from the casino. 

spoils

shannon and i went for our annual trip to the casino today. we went a few months early, because by the time november 6 comes around, my baby will only be 2 months old, so he wouldn't be allowed to come along.

things have changed at the gan casino since a new owner took over. just subtle things, and random things (for instance, there was a massive pile of crockpots in boxes for no clear reason).

as annual gamblers who have NEVER learned how to actually use a slot machine, we were very dumbfounded when within minutes of being there, i had more than doubled the amount of money i put into the machine. i could've just spent it all gambling, that would've been a legit approach, but i wanted to beat the casino for a change. since slot machines and casinos are usually rigged for the house to win.

annoying/inconvenient

life is weird. or maybe it's just people.

a couple years ago i had to put an alert on my credit after someone tried to scam me (claiming to be with visa). now, someone has used my credit card to set up an account with that exact credit bureau. who ironically did not catch this fraudulent activity. i had to call them myself when i saw some fishy charges.

not sure

i realize that i'm quite inexperienced with birth compared to many of my friends, and my last birth was not what i would consider normal. BUT i think i've been having contractions. just light ones. i don't know if my body is just practising or if it's the start of something. that said, i do know people who had contractions for several weeks before the birth, and with her first, my sister had contractions that stopped, but left her 4 cm dilated for a couple weeks. i don't know what's happening. only time will tell. i just know that i need to get past this bridal shower that i'm throwing/hosting tonight and i need to get my belly cast done asap. then i can rest easy and will feel free to birth this babe. 

squares

i think it's been four years since i stopped shaving my legs, and i'd have to say that i'm finally really happy with how my legs look. over the years, my leg hair was lightened and probably thinned out too (due to friction with my socks and pants). not only that, it's SO much more convenient than shaving. thankfully i stopped shaving before eamon was born, because i don't know how one would shave their legs while pregnant.

i had a consult at KGH today about my birth. first i saw a resident and then i saw the OB. it strikes me very odd that any young man would decide to be an OB. i'm not against male birth workers, i just would like to know what would make a guy decide to pursue that line of work. the resident i saw was very awkward. i've never had a man feel around on my belly to determine the position of my baby before. he didn't do it with much confidence. the midwives are much better at it, but maybe they're just more experienced. the actual OB was much more comfortable and really put me at ease. he was very encouraging of my plan for a VBAC, and very empathetic about my last c-section – he kept saying "that's tough". apparently only 3 to 4% of women have general anesthetic for their c-sections. thankfully i left there feeling quite positive, which was great. then i had a nice walk along the water front and sat on a bench for a while, enjoying the fact that i didn't have anywhere to be.

unemployed

last night, i had dream after dream about contractions and my water breaking. i woke up to still be very pregnant with no end in the immediate future.

it got me thinking though, about the difference between this pregnancy and last as i anticipate the birth. last time, it was mostly the birth experience that excited me. i was keen to see how it would unfold and what that would be like. this time, i'm keen for the birth because i want to meet this little man, to see his face, and to enjoy him outside my body with everyone else. i think that helps me manage any worry or concerns i have about the pain and challenges of childbirth.

i'm enjoying this little vacation i'm having. actually, it feels more like a break between jobs. it's good though. i've been crocheting a lot, and it's actually been quite a long time since i've done handcrafts because i haven't had a project, or need for anything. i like getting my handcraft creativity juices going again.

i guess it's been a while since i wrote :p my days have been quite full now that i'm not working.

last night, eamon had a sleepover at his nana's place, while b and i were at the mansion because b and the guys were performing. they did a GREAT job. they sounded awesome :) afterward, i didn't quite want to go home because i assumed it would be really hot in our house, so we drove down to the lake and sat chatting in our car. the odd thing about this, was that it was the park down by the lake where closeted gay men meet up for sexual encounters. we sat there in the car, watching single men wandering around alone, and occasionally disappearing with another man. it was a very odd activity to be a spectator for.

done

since january, i've been fantasizing about my last day at work. i felt like this frazey ford song would really summed up how i'd feel about leaving.

today was my last day, and over the last six months, the situation at work has gotten progressively worse. my closest team-mates have left (one on mat leave, one was fired), my boss was reassigned, and i was moved to another division where my new boss ignores me 95% of the time. needless to say, i've felt like my career there has just fizzled out. it's been an odd conclusion to 13 years there.

i've wondered as i've moved closer to this day how i'd feel to leave. if i'd feel nostalgic, sad, lonely, lost or happy. but instead i left angry. i've literally spent most of my time in recent years walking the halls virtually invisible, feeling unknown and unnoticed. so it's ironic that on my very last day, some anonymous a-hole called HR to complain about something minor i did as i packed up to leave. she did explain to them that it was my last day, but still had to call and check in with me about it.


the only thing i'm sorry to leave is emma. she's has been my last remaining life-line there. someone who always rooted for me, advocated for me, and someone i enjoyed a personal friendship with. i'll miss her a lot. i'll miss working with her, and collaborating with her. but the powers that be had already separated us anyway. it was already the end of an era, even if i'd stayed.

so instead of saying 'see you later', or 'F U', or 'farewell', i just sigh and say "i'm done". and let frazey ford say everything else.

masterchef

in my teens, my family did a lot of barbequing. I think we barbequed almost every meal in the summer. my best friend always used to comment on it, because her family didn't barbeque at all.

joy, who filled the role of "the man" on all practical matters (plus, parenting me), did most of the barbequing. I remember one time when she shinged her hair lighting the bbq.

b and I got a small camping bbq for our wedding. it's now 6 years old, and not working as it once did (b tried to lite it recently, and the flame started going back in towards the propane tank. so he declared it unusable/unsafe. regardless, b didn't grow up with as much barbequing as I did, and many times in past summers, I'd plan a meal that we could cook on the bbq, only for b to use the stove. in my exasperation, I'd say "but it's to hot for the oven!!, but he'd do it anyway.

during our week at the cottage, b finally got a taste for barbequing. it's much more heatwave-friendly, AND there's way less dishes. so we bought ourselves a small bbq this weekend. I was very surprised by how expensive bbq's are, and how BIG they've become. I just wanted a small and simple bbq at a modest price. we did find one, but it was the only one. there wasn't a selection to chose from.

since we were in the middle of yet another heatwave on Saturday, we decided to assemble it in our living room. originally we'd planned to pay for assembly. al told me once to always pay the extra for assembly. I remembered the time Melissa and I set up hers, and it did not go smoothly! but the guy who was certified to do it, was not in that day, so we thought we'd give it a go ourselves. thankfully, it went well for the most part, and didn't take forever. especially compared to the shed we assembled that took 3 days, instead of the suggested 6 hours, it was easy-peasy.

so we're feeling pretty grown up about it. it's funny how there are still things make can make a 36-year-old feel like a grown up :p

plateau

I discovered something rather key about my weight recently.

since I'm pregnant and weigh myself every time I'm at the midwives office, I've been able to keep track of it particularly well. this is especially true because I'm not on my regular menstrual cycle, and don't have monthly fluctuations.

I've been steadily gaining the appropriate amount each month, with one exception... before my week at the cottage, I had an appointment and weighed myself. then, I went to the cottage, ate homemade chocolate cookies every day, homemade salsa and chips every day, and ice cream a few times. when I got back, I had another midwife appointment, and instead of gaining the expected 1 pound, I'd gained 4. I have no doubt that my permissive week of eating accounted for those 3 extra pounds. and while 3 pounds is not a huge amount, if I ate like that every week, or even once a month, I would eventually start to really pack on the pounds.

so I'm going to remember this for when I'm not pregnant again. after I pop-out this particular baby, my baby-making days will be done, so it will be time to consistently control my weight instead of yo-yo-ing, the way I have over the last 15 years. fifteen years. that is a long time. my entire adulthood.

third

yesterday was eamon's third birthday. for the first time, I told him a condensed version of his birth story, and showed him the scar where he came out. he was very interested, and mentioned to Brendan later that the doctors cut me open. I hope in time, i'll be able to convey that this is not typically how babies are born. I don't want him growing up misinformed about the business-end of the birds and the bees.

we had a lovely gathering of both sides of our family. everyone was gathered in our backyard in lawnchairs and paper plates. it was a really nice evening, and eamon did very well (didn't get too worked up - I've seen my fair share of kids having meltdowns and/or barfing at their own birthday parties).

when he was asking me about his party (not sure how serious the question was, because he asks 'why' about everything), I told him "we're going to celebrate because you being born changed everything", and then I got all teary-eyed while he moved on to other interests.

rust in our very marrow

I feel like life has become less romanticized as I've gotten older. or that I'm less romanticized about life than I once was. I think it's partly that I've mellowed out, and am less driven by emotions and feelings than I was in my teens and 20s. drama has really lost all its appeal.

but there's one exception... the song "when we go, how we go (part 1)" by rock plaza central. that song immediately immerses me back into the experience of falling in love with Brendan. it even feels funny saying "falling in love", because I don't normally talk that way, but that's really the only way to describe that experience and that song.

we've been married 6 years, and things have changed since those early days. changed between us and around us. I feel like our connection is deeper and more mature. we've changed as people, and evolved in positive ways. I think we continue to bring out the good in each other. I feel really fortunate. it took a long time to "find" my b, but I'm glad I kept waiting. I regularly have nightmares that I'm being forced to marry someone else, when it's really Brendan that I want to be with. I think the root of this dream is the reality that I could've ended up with many ill-suited suitors. I'm glad I held out and didn't take a shortcut.

I like to see him sleep. it's nice sleeping beside him, but there's something very intimate about seeing someone lying asleep in your bed as you get up and ready for work.

mommas in transition

I had a thought provoking conversation with my sister yesterday. we were talking about transitioning from one baby to two. I knew from past conversations that she found 1 to 2 the hardest transition. harder than 0 to 1, or 2 to 3, or even 3 to 4. I mentioned that we found eamon to be such an easy baby that we wonder if he's spoiled us and we'll be unprepared for the next one. she said "none of my babies were 'bad babies', my first one was hard, not because she was a bad baby, but because I was a bad mom". explaining how little she knew and how unprepared she was the first time. it look her a lot of time to figure out useful parenting hacks.

it made me wonder if a person's preparedness is really the biggest impact-er for smoothly navigating the early baby stages. a friend of mine recently had a hard time with a colicky baby, and her midwife recommended giving him probiotics, and that really helped. I'm sure if she had a colicky baby again, she'd know to do that sooner. happy baby = happy momma.

all that said, I've tried to set us up for success with this transition, with eamon still going to daycare some days a week, and in fact going full time in September. we'll see if that helps.

gen x + gen y

so I says to my much younger husband the other day... "what's the deal with pokemon?"

he starts to explain to me about the new game 'pokemon go', which I'm already aware of. I specifically wanted to know what the plot or purpose of the pokemon world, and why its appealing to people. he explained the basics to me.

so then I asked him "how many pokemons are there?"

and he laughed and said "there's no 's' on pokemon. that was such a 'mom' thing to say".

don't you think?

it's ironic really.

or maybe just unfortunate (to be honest, that alanis song has really warped my understanding of the word 'ironic').

i'm at a job that seems to have no future, and I come across a posting on twitter for a local job that fit my skills, experience and industry perfectly. I'm pretty sure if I submitted my resume they'd feel like they were hitting the jackpot. BUT I can't apply because I'm having a baby in ~8 weeks, so I won't really be available. plus, I don't really have a resume prepared anyway.

despite that, I suppose it's encouraging. I didn't realize that the local transit authority had its own marketing team. every so often, a job that seems perfect for me comes up. here's hoping that when I'm ready to job hunt, that something good will be available.

similar, but different

I've been reading this little novella about an 11-year-old girl who's mom just left. it takes place in 1966. I don't think if I've ever read a book about someone else's experience of separation/divorce as a child, and I relate to it. I feel a mix of sad and empathy for her.

this bit was particularly accurate of my experience: "It wasn't as if she just walked out the door and was gone. from now on, every holiday that came up along, part of me would be hoping she'd show up. the leaving went on and one. I wonder how long it would be before she wouldn't be leaving anymore, she'd just be gone."

i actually feel a sense of indignation that this kid is having to figure out all this stuff on her own. but i suppose its that i feel indignation that i had to figure it out all on my own. I'm glad i did. it just took way longer than it needed to.

a different approach

I know that it comes from a kind and sincere place, but I'm not comfortable with the practice of raising or collecting funds for the loved ones who have died in tragic ways (ie shootings). I don't think there's enough money in the world to heal that hurt.

i understand that people have a desire to do something, and giving money, especially to strangers far away, is something they can do. but i would much prefer to see money go towards the cause of the loss. for example, when someone dies from cancer, usually people give money to the cancer society in their name. that makes sense to me. likewise, i wish money would go towards mental health services, and social support groups, to ending violence and education. i think that would have a broader impact, and would shed light on social problems, rather than feed into the notion that money is the answer.

kind of abrupt

it looks as though i'll be starting my mat leave early. probably in 3 weeks instead of 6. I'm glad about that, but it would've been nicer to finish my baker's dozen worth of years at bbd on a more positive note.

my mom is always referring to me as a planner. "you're a planner", she says with frequency. it irritates me because I think it's the wrong label. it also implies that one is either a planner or not a planner, and there are no other options. finally I said to her yesterday "I'm a doer! and to do stuff, I have to plan stuff". I like to do and experience things, and most of the time, life experiences don't just happen without taking some initiative. I'm not someone who enjoyed the planning more than the doing, but I understand that planning is a means to an end.

all that said, I have no plans or ideas of what I'd do with my whole month of august. the baby isn't due until september 2, and he might even arrive later than that. and on one hand that's fine, it will probably be a while before I have free time to relax and enjoy summer. it would give me some designated 'nesting' time, and the chance to get organized, and find all our newborn clothes (because I'm naturally disorganized and don't know where they are).

have a mentioned that eamon is pretty much potty trained? he still has accidents sometimes, but I'm sure they will become fewer and fewer in the days and weeks ahead. he even wakes up with a dry diaper every so often! :) I'm really glad. I was hoping to have him out of diapers by his 3rd birthday, or at least by the time the new baby is born.  

closer article

while we were away, Brendan bought a few Toronto star newspapers. I kind of like that he does that, because I would never think to sit down and read a newspapers. I like that he still enjoys that activity from a bygone era :)

while he was putting eamon to bed one night, he said to me "you should read that article, I think it would interest you". turns out it was a piece on a new book about female sexuality called "closer", that focuses particularly the female orgasm (it's weird that it's even called the female orgasm, actually, as though climaxing belongs to mean by default).

after giving it a read, I thought "I should share a link to this on my blog. I'm sure I must know some women who would find this informative and helpful". so here it is.

I found the bit about most women never talking to their mother's about sex very interesting. not surprisingly, the only info I got about sex was what I shouldn't do. my parents had a rule that my sister and I were not allowed to date until we were 16 (even as a kid I thought that was a dumb rule). both of us had our first boyfriend at 15, and this caused a lot of problems at home. strangely enough, my sister is enforcing the same rule with her kids (which doesn't make sense to me, you'd think she'd know that it doesn't work). since I wasn't allowed to have my boyfriend at 15, I just snuck behind my mom's back. not only did it make me into a sneaky liar, it meant that I had absolutely no adult guidance about having a healthy relationship or age-appropriate (read: readiness) sexual experiences. it ended up being a really bad, painful and damaging time in my life, that took a long time for me to recover from (since it impacted future relationships, and future relationships continued that damaging cycle).

anyway, if you're a lady, consider giving that article, and maybe even that book, a read! I do think the culture around female sexuality has changed in recent decades. I think a man's success as a lover is being evaluated by how attentive they are to their partner's needs, which didn't used to be the case. but we need more of that, and women need to know more about how they work :)

outlet

well... we're home from our week at the cottage. it was really great. it was nice to have a change of pace, and to be with eamon all the time. we made great strides with potty training, and he's using the potty almost exclusively. he doesn't like full sized toilets, so it's a bit of a risk when we go out, but if we're in a park or whatever, Brendan will take him to pee on a tree. unfortunately, he's twice tried to poop in our backyard :S

the cottage itself was nicer than the photos. they've done quite a lot of work to it, and the changes are really nice. it was very comfortable to hangout in, and it met all our needs.

the one downside was that the lake it was on (east lake) was not great for swimming. it would've been nice to have early morning swims or late afternoon/pre dinner swims, but it was very seaweedy, and eamon was extremely freaked out by it (blood-curdling screams). plus, the fish had obviously been fed by people, so they would swarm humans in search of food. one even tried to nibble my leg to see if I was food. after that I just referred to them as the jerks.

we pretty much did the whole county. the cottage came with use of a season pass to sandbanks, so we went there several times, and to the dunes. we went strawberry picking and to fifth town cheese. we did 3 hikes, and sent the afternoon on Canada day in picton.

I LOVED not having access to the internet. I've realized how much time it sucks. it feels like the equivalent of habitual channel surfing. it's not productive and it's time-sucking. so while at home, I'm only checking my facebook and email one a day and allowing myself about a half hour to an hour to get caught up. instead of jumping on my computer every time I remember something I need to do, I just write it down and do it during my designated internet time. I feel much better rested and like a more well and interesting person. PLUS, I've been doing a LOT of reading! I realized I haven't read a good book (one that really hooked me) since pre-ereader. so I've concluded, that with the exception of nursing (when having only one hand free for reading is necessary), I'm going to stick with real books because they seem to impact my reading experience. so moving forward, I want more books and less click-bait.

now that it's july, I only have 6 weeks left of work. I don't really know how I'm going to fill that time. I really hate the thought of killing time, because time is a pretty precious commodity, and it should be used well (or at least not burned).

the times they are a-changin' (still)

when it comes to public votes, sometimes I get excited about the outcome I didn't want. maybe excited isn't the right word. it's probably more curiosity.

both with the quebec and Scottish referendums, I wanted both to stay, but was curious about how things would unfold if they didn't. I have never witness the outcome of such a decision before, and wonder what would it look like.

even with trump, I SUPER don't want him to win, but there is part of me that is intrigued to see just how bad things would get (and maybe just how right, the anti-trump people are).

I think I would've voted to stay in, if I was a Briton. already, just hours after the announcement, there have been a chain of negative things (british pound at 31 year low, PM resigns, and trump is saying it's a good move). I'm pretty sure that Scotland is going to have a second referendum and leave the UK so it can rejoin the EU.

the world is changing. and not for the better. things are getting very unstable.

thankfully, I don't feel bleak for my sons. I don't feel concern or regret about the world they will grow up in. I dunno, maybe that's because I think things have been worse before, and people got through it (at least those who didn't die from starvation, war or genocide). it's a different world than it was 10 or 20 years ago for sure, and we don't really know how to navigate it or what trouble will find us. but i think this is where resilience is important. I often pray for resilience for them. my dad is one of the most resilient people I know (often to the frustration of my mom who has wanted to see him suffer and grovel because of their failed marriage). I hope they take after him in that way.

regarding the EU, it will be very interesting to say the least.

taboo

i would like to break the silence about pregnancy hemorrhoids. apparently they are VERY common, but i have NEVER heard ANYONE talk about them. sure, it's embarrassing, and very personal, but i'm in so much friggin pain and discomfort, that i've got to talk about it.

it's almost ridiculous how painful this is, and nothing is helping. it makes me almost sad.

i've read that they should just go away on their own after the baby is born, but i'm 30 weeks. i'm looking at 10+ weeks of butt pain.

this sucks.

otherwise my pregnancy is been going well and i don't have other complaints.

thank you for being a friend...

I'm in Montreal for work and in my hotel room watching golden girls. it makes me wish my mom lived with 3 old lady friends.

Sent from my iPod

choices we make

after an interaction with a very negative person today, i concluded something. it's not that life is too short to be negative, it's more that life is full of lots of crappy and terrible stuff, and i think it's worth looking for the positive whenever possible. AND to keep perspective. some of the stuff people complain about is not very important in the grand scheme of things.

i dunno. global news has been bleak this week. and i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful despite everything. the last thing i need is to hear someone complain about salad dressing.

discomfort that brings comfort

i've been having a lot of heartburn lately. it wakes me up in the night.

i have to pee almost constantly. that also wakes me up.

and i get leg cramps when I'm sleeping. (basically, I'm up at least 4 times a night)

I also feel tired a lot, and I can't really pick up eamon anymore because I don't have the energy.

but I'm also 29 weeks pregnant, and I know these ailments will be gone soon enough. they're just temporary, and I'm finding them easier to manage than last time.

I also have a very sore pelvis, which I've discovered is the ligaments in my pubic bone expanding. even though it's sore (and an ice pack only gives temporary relief), I'm very excited about it. unlike my other discomforts, this one is not familiar to me. I did not experience this with eamon. I'm hoping that this means that my body is preparing and adjusting to accommodate my baby's exit.

a few months ago, I actually came across a video explaining this pelvic soreness, and at the time, my heart sank a bit because I knew this had not happened with my first pregnancy. I didn't know the discomfort they were talking about, and I wondered if there was a connection to eamon getting stuck. maybe my pelvis didn't expand as it should have. I'm looking forward to seeing my chiropractor next week to talk about this with her and see how my pelvis adjusts. I'm also seeing my midwife again, because I'm up to appointments every 2 weeks :)

it's fun how much quicker things go the second time.

passing

the road to work has been torn-up and they're laying new gravel. this struck me odd, because they just did that a few years ago. until I remembered that I've worked at BT for 13 years, and it was very possibly10 years ago when they last paved taylor-kidd. odd how time just starts to blur together. I think after 6 years somewhere or doing something, time seems relative.

b and I have been married 6 years next weekend. I'm pretty sure it will all get blurry after this. at least we have "before kids" and "after kids" to help as a marker. but even that doesn't really help though.

ganniversary

even though our anniversary isn't for a few weeks, Brendan and I are going away for a mini-break. this is our first time away from eamon. he had a sleepover at nana and papa's house at new year's eve, but we were still at home. so this is a little different.

we're going to gan. neither of us have been there for along time (besides my annual trips to the casino with Shannon). but once upon a time, I used to live in gan. I was around eamon's age at the time. I have no memory of it. joy went to kindergarten there, and remembers that her teacher "hated" her (apparently she almost failed her), and she (joy, not the teacher) tripped on some uneven sidewalk and my dad got mad and was going to complain to the mayor. her second memory sounds much more likely.

anyway, I'm very excited. the B&B we booked looks really nifty. we haven't stayed at a B&B since our first wedding anniversary, and this is our sixth. i think this will be a double, or even triple treat (alone time, no parenting duties, staying at a B&B).

we're going to take hwy 2. I'm sure it will be a nice leisurely drive. ah! i can't wait. i should probably go get ready.

5 stars

at lunch, I finished the book "Middlesex". I would have to say, it was one of the most beautiful books I have ever read. the author (Jeffrey Eugenides) has only written 3 books, and this was the second of his that I've read. both books have kept me fully hooked until the very last line.

afterwards, I sat breathing, extremely satisfied and enriched. beautiful.

I can't help but wonder how much of the impact was due the fact that I'd read an actual paperback, and not on my e-reader. I have heard before that people absorb more with actual books than e-readers. I had noticed that it had been a while since I was really addicted to a book, but I think it was more the books I was reading than the method I was reading them with.

brendan came across a book review of a new novel called "the girls". it's coming out next week, and is expected to be the big summer read of 2016. he pre-ordered it, and I plan to read it after him. in the review, it compares the novel with the one Eugenides book I haven't read (the virgin suicides). at first I planned to read that as I waited for "the girls", but then I saw the other book this new book was compared to (a visit from the goon squad), and decided to read that instead. when I find an author I like, I kind of want to space out reading their books until I'm in the market for a good book but can't find one. they had a copy of "a visit from the good squad" at the kingscourt library so I got it out. I hope I enjoy it. the reviews are a little mixed on 'good reads'.

I'm definitely giving "Middlesex" 5 stars. I always reserve that rating for the books that make me feel deeply, that I crave reading, and will read at any available opportunity (while eating breakfast, while waiting at stoplights, while lying beside eamon as he watches "the elephant show" on youtube).

here's hoping my next book(s) will be as good. I'm on a bit of a book high right now, and I'd like to keep that going.

that guy

i don't know a lot about this stanford rape trial. part of me doesn't want to know. it was through my friend helen that I first heard about it, because she was sharing posts on facebook.

but I've been troubled by the parents, particularly the dad, who has minimized his son's rape of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, by calling it "20 minutes of action" and tried to convince the judge that this should not be allowed to ruin his son's life.

while I understand the parent's devout love and dedication to their son, I am troubled by the fact that they raise a son who would rape any women (conscious or not). I keep thinking of that campaign I saw a few years ago "don't be that guy". why did they not raise their son to not be 'that guy'! the very nature of his dad's defense of him shows some concerning entitlement issues. he wouldn't be in this situation if he had been a caring individual who would seek help for a women he found unconscious, rather than take the opportunity to penetrate her. it's super disturbing.

that's the thing about rapists. they're somebody's son. as obvious as that is, it only occurred to me a few years ago. nobody wants their kid to grow up to be that guy. it's sad and scary to think what kids can grow up to do. they have just as much potential to grow up to do harm as they have to grow up to do good. when people tell their kids "you can do anything when you grow up!" they don't seem to consider that.

smellies

perhaps this was the wrong assumption. but when i bought some pears soap, i just assumed it was going to smell like pears. that just seems like obvious branding reinforcement. instead, i'm not sure what the smell is. i really would've preferred a pear scent.

do-over

i've had a really bad day.

i just finished a good old-fashion cry fest.

i cried with frustration about the still broken washing machine.

i cried because this sort of thing always gets the better of me – for some reason washing machine leaks cause me a great deal of distress.

i cried because eamon refused to nap this afternoon, when my anxiety levels were already high, and i was not at my best.

i cried because i parented really badly, and i felt so sad about how i treated him.

i cried because brendan and i fought.

i cried because when he tried to give me a break from eamon, i ended up feeling excluded, isolated and punished.

i cried because i went out and bought a new washing machine without discussing it with brendan.

i cried because i'd tried to talk about it with him several times, and there just wasn't a moment without distractions.

i cried because i keep speaking harshly this week, despite not wanting to, and i worry that i won't ever do better.

i cried out of fear and worry, regret and remorse.

i cried because i felt backed in a corner, like i had no options, and didn't feel safe.

shifter

I just called the appliance repaired service who fixed our washing machine, and the man I spoke to really downplayed the situation. he said stuff like "oh shucks, you get one thing fixed and the darn thing needs another repair". I tried to be assertive and say "we didn't have this problem before your guy fixed it. and we would like to be reimbursed for the money we spent on the rental equipment to dry out our basement".

I presume that he was just trying to deflect the blame, but it felt condensing. he could've easily have called me "little lady" and it would have matched his tone. I wasn't mad before I called, but I am now. Brendan was going to call and deal with them, but he's in an all day training seminar about trauma, so isn't available to do it.

I ended up setting up an appointment for the same repair guy to come over on Wednesday. so I suppose we'll have to take it up with him. I like that repair guy, he's done work for us before and he's very nice. I really don't want to get into conflict with him. I really hope they eat the cost for the sake of our return business.

suck

our weekend (for the most part) did not go as expected. our washing machine (that was "repaired" last Wednesday), overflowed in our basement. there was a thin layer of water everywhere. it was very stressful. thankfully, after lots of work and rental equipment, it has dried out.

it was really annoying because I'd planned to use my Saturday dealing with seasonal clothes and bedding, but did not get to it until sunday evening. thankfully, THAT actually didn't take that long to get everything sorted out, so I feel like we've regained some order in what was becoming an increasingly messy bedroom. which is always good for my mental state.

I remember a friend saying that preparing dinner for her family is a somewhat daunting task, and that when she's been traveling for work, she enjoys grabbing dinner when she feels like it. I'd say for me, it's eamon's bedtime. I feel like there is something about this mid-evening event that cuts my time up. there is a real shift after bedtime. I kind of wish that wasn't a thing, and I'm conscious of the fact that this clear point in my evening won't begin to erase for another 10 years.

despite floods and heat and bedtime routines, preschoolers who ignore reasonable instruction and dinner table disagreements with b... my weekend ended perfectly. sitting reading on a lightly made bed, with the windows open and the fan oscillating.

measuring sticks and short comings

have you ever known someone who clearly thought they knew best (perhaps you know this because they say that or are always talking about how everyone else is doing life wrong)? and for some reason life just pans out the way they believed it would, which just seems to affirm their belief that they've got it all figured out.

I feel troubled because I am not one who thinks I have life all figured out, I listen to other people's experiences, I have my own worldview and values, and I do my best to navigate the situations I find myself in with the knowledge and understanding that I have at the time. and yet, that doesn't seem to be enough. things still don't seem to pan out for me the way it does for people with certainty.

do my doubts or "maybe it will, maybe it won't" beliefs cause things to go awry? maybe if I was certain things would go well for me?

how much does one's perspective effect the outcome?

I have had several experiences in life where I believed with certainty, and then was crushed afterwards when things didn't work out. which is why I often approach life with trepidation. I hope for the best, but are prepared for the worst.

but maybe I'm too specific in my hopes. maybe these people who's lives workout just as they wanted don't have specifics, so however things unfold they're happy.

I want to believe that I will have a successful VBAC come the end of my pregnancy, but I'm afraid to believe with certainty because I thought I'd have an uncomplicated birth last time, and ended up with the opposite. certainty has harmed me, not only then, but with other big life events. 

I believed my parents would get back together

I believed that my boyfriend would come back

I believed I'd get that job

I believed that man would recover and not die

I believed...

maybe when it comes down to it, I'm trying to find the right about of faith to produce the desired result. or maybe I just want to see some vulnerability in the lives of these people who boast success. to feel like we're all just trying our best and sometimes things work out despite ourselves, not because we're worthy.

v day

I don't know if it's because we moved in during the summer, or if it's just because I love summer, but our house is definitely a summer house (or at least until we get our wood stove, maybe then it will be a lovely winter house). in the summer it feels more like a cottage than a year-round residence.

besides the obvious weather issues of winter, I find that our house feels stuffy and I'm breathing in gross stinky air. I also miss being able to sit outside, having the windows open, and hanging the laundry on the line. I feel like the air moves around our house so much better with the windows open (probably because it does!).

I love summer so much. I love the way the curtains sway from the breeze, and the sounds and smells of the outdoors.

we spent a lot of time outside this weekend. our big maple tree out front dropped it's helicopter seeds in our garden, and we spent several hours pulling out all the baby trees. it was a bit of a pain, and we're probably only half done. weeding is my least favourite part of gardening, because it's less of a creative process and more like an menial task. but it does really make a difference. at least we were under our big red maple.

not many neighbours were out gardening this weekend. we find the neighbours on our street to be very mysterious. we're not sure what they do all the day. in general, I'm a funny mix of friendly and reclusive. but when it comes to neighbours, I prefer to be friendly when I see them, so it would be nice to see them more often.

fire, fire!

last night Brendan and I had our first backyard campfire. although, since it was in our backyard and not at a campsite, "campfire" is probably not the right word.

at first, we planned to have our fire while eamon was still up, but then changed our minds because it would be a nice activity to do without him. like a mini "date".

it did not take long to get the fire going. for several years, I've been saving our dryer lint because I heard it makes good kindling, and sure enough it did. we've also been saving dead and dry yard waste, so we had lots to burn. it was fun. I didn't find the campfire smell particularly strong at the time, but I can smell it in my hair today :)

I'm looking forward to having campfires regularly, and for having friends over to sit around the fire with.

finding the right balance

I'm kind of confused about weight control during pregnancy. they say that women of my BMI should only gain between 15 to 25 lbs (some sources say only 11lbs). but i don't understand how I'm supposed to do that since i have all the same extra cargo as skinny mama's (baby, placenta, extra blood). especially since they say not to diet. I've tried to change my eating (mostly snacking) habits, and i think they're really starting to take (i don't have to be as mindful about it, and it's less of an effort than it once was). so far i think i'm doing well. at 6 months, I've only gained 8 pounds - I'm pretty sure at this stage with eamon I was pushing 25 pounds.

i wish it was more clear how I'm supposed to minimize my weight gain. i THINK I'm probably losing excess fat as the result of getting more exercise and better eating habits, but i have no way of knowing for sure. i think my face is looking slimmer, and shannon thinks so too. but how does that impact my BMI, i have no idea.

several people have told me not to worry because they gained 40, 50 or 65lbs with their pregnancies, but my BMI is my main risk factor for a repeat cesarean. and considering that's something i should be able to influence, i really want to be proactive about it.

shifting perspective

I've been reflecting lately on what it means to a person to feel heard. and in addition to that, to be understood. there have been many situations in my life where I have felt unheard, or what I was expressing (whether by words, actions or choices) was not taken seriously.

eamon's at an age where he's starting to get bossy. so I read a few articles about this, and it seems that he's trying to exert his independence. as a result, I've been trying to empower his independence when appropriate. I've been trying to be creative in giving him choices and asking for his help instead of doing for him or doing without his involvement.

it's made me think back on my life, and consider things differently. when I was a teenager, my family used to laugh at me and say that they had to use reverse phycology on me if they wanted me to do something. I'm thinking now that I wasn't cooperative with straightforward requests or instructions because I felt so frustrated and disregarded. I wasn't made to feel heard - for whatever reason, whether I was just sensitive or they actively ignored me.

I had a bossy, dominating older sister, then went on to have several bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) best friends, and a bossy and dominating (oldest sibling) boyfriend. as a result, I am very on guard to people bossing me around inappropriately. which has made me very attuned to eamon's bossiness, and I don't want him to boss around his brother like a little dictator. if not for his brother's sake, but for the sake of his future relationships (friendships and otherwise).

I was thinking a lot about that bossy and dominating boyfriend during the first jian trial, and the surrounding conversation about consent. I wonder if he heard those discussions and thought of me. for a while in our twenties we spent time as plutonic friends. now in our thirties, he has shrunk back and won't even look me in the face when we cross paths (which is somewhat frequently). I commented about it to b once, who simply asked "do you think that he's ashamed of how he treated you?" and I suspect that's probably true. especially since he now has a daughter of his own, and would probably never want her treated the way he treated me.

all this, because of a toddler who insists "no, my do it!". I suppose we are shaped by our experiences. at this point, I want to be shaped, and shape my sons, by exercising/demonstrating understanding.

BOOKS!

OH MY GOODNESS!

i want to be addicted to a good book right now. ideally a book series. I really want something I'm going to sink my teeth into for a long time.

unfortunately, it seems I've read all the good books. right now I'm read the brothers karamazov, and while it's ok, it's not a really much of a page turner. I think it's one of those books that I will work my way through slowly and be glad that I've read it, but right now I want a gripping, compelling, want-to-read-it-any-chance-I-get kind of book.

one of my favourite things is a summer evening and a good book. I've discovered that our front porch has similar qualities to our york street balcony, and I want to take full advantage of that. especially since I feel I've been watching too much tv lately.

the problem is that often some of the best books don't sound that compelling from a brief description (i.e. "a group of teenagers are forced into an arena to kill each other for sport until one is the victor"), so it's difficult to get past a sad overview (i.e. the current best selling book about a kid dying from cancer. geez, let me get my hands on that one quick :S ).

it doesn't have to be exciting. it can be a slow burn. I read a book years ago called "the wrong madonna" that my housemate lent me. it was a bit of a dark horse, and it was slow moving, but it was compelling to me.

I have lots of distractions and limited energy, so I don't have the same tenacity that I used to have with books. man, my twenties was fraught with worries and feelings of displacement, but did I ever have lots of time for discovery - books, past-times, self-improvement, regular flicks at the screening room, new friends, writing. I'm not going to say that I miss that, but I wish I'd really appreciated it more at the time.

anyway... perhaps i'll find something refreshing at the library tonight. I might even ask the librarian for a recommendation.

short-comings

i think i've concluded that i don't like hummus, which is too bad. partly because i have some that needs eating up. i've grown very sensitive to wasting food, particularly because it's a waste of money. despite this, I continue to throw out spoiled leftovers and rotten fruit/veggies, although I do it with a grimace. hopefully we'll get better at eating everything we buy. at 36, I still feel like there's still a lot of maturing to do.

I've noticed lately that I often nap when eamon naps. I didn't do that so much before. maybe it's because I'm pregnant, or because even on my days off I still have to wake up early. I wonder sometimes if it's just replacing a sleep-in (I get to sleep later instead of earlier). or if that enough time has past since becoming a mama that I don't really know what to do with my spare time anymore. I also feel like I watch more tv than I wish I did. I think this is partly because it's something b and i do together, and otherwise, we'd just spend our evenings doing separate things.

i think it's a good time for me to try to pick up prenatal yoga. i wrote it down on a list to do yesterday, but just felt tired after eamon was in bed. i feel like that's a beneficial thing to do other than sleep or couch.

sunny

I hung my first load of laundry of the year on the line yesterday :) i let it hang on the line overnight. i can't wait to take it all down. there's something very relaxing about methodically pulling on the line and unpinning everything. plus, folding laundry is one of my least favourite tasks, so i like that i get to just do it while i take everything down. it saves time later and drags out the laundry line experience :) I'm so pleased that it's outside laundry weather again. we need to wash and hang out duvet insert on the line because we just can't get it clean looking. it's ok since we usually have it covered, but it would still be nice to have it properly bleached by the sun.

after two days of exhaustion and my toddler doing everything the hard way, i think we've turned a corner. we all got a good night's sleep last night, so we were much more cheerful when we got up this morning. it's amazing the difference it makes to be well rested.

to market, to market

on mother's day, we went to the market for lunch. it was a beautiful day (albeit windy), and there was lots of activity there. it was nice.

I did have one awkward moment when brendan, eamon and I sat eating our lunch at a picnic table and there were two women sharing the other half. they were having a lengthy conversation about some friends of ours. that's the second time recently that I overheard people talking about friends of mine. the first time was slightly more awkward because I realized after the fact that the girl thought my (married) friend had been hitting on her. she told the story of their interaction, and knowing my friend, I didn't think anything of it (I know that he's friendly and inquisitive). it wasn't until later that I understood how she'd interpreted it. I wished that I'd realized at the time so I could've spoken up and set her straight. this second time wasn't quite like that because it was a much more positive conversation, but they did ask each other questions about our friends that we knew the answers to, while they didn't. it was tempting to speak up, but it didn't seem important enough, and it felt like an invasion. it was a good reminder though, to be mindful what I say in public around strangers :p

when we got home from the market, I reflected on the fact that I'd had a good time, but felt that I'm not good at market-going. to be good at it, you have to be prepared to check out each booth closely, speak with the merchants and be prepared to impulse buy. I'm not really prepared to do any of those things, so I keep my distance. (I don't like giving false hope that I'm going to buy something, so I don't want to look closely at the booths). but I think we'll try to keep going. especially over the summer months. it's on our way home from church on sundays, so we might as well :)

another twist

I just listened to a podcast about vbacs. well, it was supposed to be about vbacs, but the women talked a lot about birth and pregnancy in general. I am genuinely interested in both those subjects, but it started to bother me when they started expressing opinions about how I should FEEL.

opinions on diet? sure!

opinions on whether certain medical devices are necessary? ok!

opinions on posture and positioning? that's reasonable.

but when they speak with authority about how I should and shouldn't feel during my pregnancy, about my baby, about my future with my baby, I feel uncomfortable and unfairly reprimanded. as I was told once by a counselor that I respect, "feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad, they just are". I've also read before that pregnancy is the process of working through fears. those fears will effect anyone's feelings.

I'm a real words of affirmation person. I like to have my feelings validated. which is probably why I feel so annoyed about someone expressing deep disapproval for my feelings.

BUT thankfully (or at least I feel thankful about this), I am someone who considers things thoroughly, so i stand by my choices, validate my own feelings, and won't allow myself to feel guilty. I just think the world is diverse, and not an idealistic place, and it's important to leave room for different expression and different hopes, because we're not all going to be the same.

so empower me to face unknown circumstances.

encourage me that I am strong and capable despite my doubts.

support me with experience and insight.

but don't tell me that what i feel is wrong. perhaps unfortunate, but not insurmountable.

feet and heart

yesterday I had my first occurrence of sore and swollen pregnancy feet. I had it pretty bad with eamon, but it only really started around 36 weeks, and it was summer. I'm 23 weeks, and it's only may, so it feels early for that. but my midwife told me i'll have more of everything this time. that said, things are moving along quite quickly. next month i'll start my third trimester. maybe things will slow down again then, and i'll feel like everything uncomfortable is lasting a long time.

I've discovered recently that I've had some real heart-healing about my c-section with eamon. maybe its the hope that this time will go differently (in a good way). or maybe it's just that it feels like that experience is behind me and I've moved on to another chapter. regardless, it's nice to be able to think of his birth and not feel emotional about it.

in a way, his birth is pretty representative of life. not really what I had in mind, but still resulting in a love that fruitful and enriching.

probably one of the main differences about this pregnancy and my first, was that with eamon I was growing my first baby, but I was also growing into a mama. it was the birth of something new in me, in addition to the birth of a baby. this time, I'm already a mama, so the growth and preparation within me is different.

last night at our house

Brendan teases me because I am notorious for stubbing my toes. I stub toes several times a week. he also thinks I'm a bad sitter, because I tend to sit on thing that on resting on the couch, like papers or our cat (to be fair, I expect the cat to move when she sees my butt coming down on her).

last night, when I was up to use the bathroom at 2 am, I smashed my pinky toe into an ottoman on my way back to bed. it was extremely painful, and I writhed around in bed trying to deal with the pain. it continued to hurt all night, and come morning it's still very sensitive. from the feel of it, I expected it to be black and blue, or at least red and swollen, but it pretty much looks like a regular toe, only very sore. I'm limping a little. I think my toenail might have been bent back, which is why it hurts so badly :S

in other news from overnight, eamon slept last night in his new toddler bed. we're making progress! hopefully this transition will only take a few days or a few weeks at the most (fingers crossed!).

time is ticking away

I'm feeling a little headachey today. it's probably because of my inflamed pregnancy sinuses :S

I am so pleased that it's now May. not only is may my second favourite month (my most favourite is july), but it means that I only have 3.5 months left at work:

there are 3 weeks til the may long weekend;

then 5 weeks until our week of vacation (we've rented a cottage in prince edward county);

followed by 2 weeks before eamon's birthday (taking a long weekend);

then another 2 weeks before the august long weekend;

then 2.5 weeks until my last week of work :D

time is flying by, and I can't wait! yesterday someone was teasing me saying "then the real work will start", but I will enjoy my workplace and co-workers significantly more :) b says I'm like a little kid counting down to their birthday. but I'm pretty sure I'm more excited than any kid :p

during waiting periods like this, it's difficult to not wish your life away. to not spend so much time longing for something else that we don't live in the present. except, I don't feel like I'm living in my current work situation. I'm simply enduring each day. I'm looking forward to getting back to living.

iconically

well... to my complete annoyance, I got an email yesterday evening stating that our solar panel application has been terminated. it went on to explain that our representative didn't submit all the required papers. which was a bit weird because I signed off the last paper on Wednesday, and the next day they sent me this email. our local rep is very nice, but obviously inexperienced and unorganized. I'm really annoyed that we weren't told a deadline or sent a warning before they "terminated" it. I called the guy right away, and he was going to try to work it out and said he'd call me back, but hasn't yet. I guess i'll have to call the head office myself.

super annoy! I was excited about this, especially because it was going to help fund our wood stove!

renewable

forgive me if i've mentioned this before, but we're getting solar panels... for free!

we looked into this many years ago, but didn't proceed because that company wanted to pay us annually over 20 years, and it would work out to $36 a year. we concluded that wasn't that good of a deal.

BUT another company came by current house with a proposal for solar panels, and they're program includes payment upfront. so we thought that was a much better plan. so we've signed all the paperwork and they should be installed later this year.

one of the most exciting parks about this is that we're going to use the money to install a wood stove in our living room. the corner windows in our house look lovely, but are not very energy efficient. thankfully this winter wasn't really even that cold because it would've either been very chilly or very expensive. our living room ended up being the least used room during the winter because it was the coldest. i like the deep warmth that a wood stove gives.

i'm going to take the opportunity to redecorate that room. i'd like to paint it (colour yet to be decided) and get more colourful curtains. i'm not supposed to paint while i'm pregnant, and it makes sense to wait til after they make a massive hole in our wall. we have plaster walls and they chip easily when installing or hammering anything into them. we'll also need to install tiles on the wood floor.

funnily enough, all of this will probably happen in september, when we have a brand new baby. not the best timing, but at least i'll be home when they do the work. AND it's not like i'm installing anything myself.

the name game

I find choosing a name for someone a huge responsibility. it's something they're going to have to live with for the rest of their lives.

I like the name that we've chosen for our son. actually, I'm really very happy with it. I love the way all the names flow together. I love the meaning and significance of each name. I love the short-form for the first name, and how it sounds with our last name. I also like that it fits nicely with eamon's full name - they complement each other, like companion pieces. and isn't that what siblings are? companion pieces?

but often when I think it or say it out loud, it doesn't naturally roll off my tongue. especially compared to the name eamon. but then I have to remind myself, that there was a time that eamon was unfamiliar, and even felt forced to say. I even remember when he was first born, that I found that I was calling him "buddy" a lot, because it was more familiar, and I had to consciously remind myself to call him by his name (I didn't want him to think his name was buddy). AND while I was pregnant, we had doubts or second thoughts. I remember one night when we were lying in bed before falling asleep, we talked about different mean nicknames kids might come up with. I also felt hesitant because eamon could sound a lot like 'amen' - which is why I've started pronouncing that as aw-men.

all this said, my doubts are part of the process. especially since this type of decision is such a long term one.

I wish I could use the name more around the house when talking to b or eamon, so I could get used to it. but I'm worried that eamon might repeat it to someone else. although, he can't really pronounce it properly right now, so probably no one would understand him anyway :p 

shirley temples

i wish the weekend was just beginning instead of ending. I had a really nice weekend, and I want more of that.

on the way to work this morning, I puked all over my lap in the car. I had to turn around, drive home and change my clothes, then wipe up the steering wheel, etc. not a pleasant start to the day.

maybe things will only get better from here.

1lb mister

since before i got pregnant, i'd concluded that i wanted a girl next. i'd given it a lot of thought, and had concluded it was the best scenario for our family. so, not surprisingly, during the first half of my pregnancy, i was pretty convinced it was a girl. my instincts were right with every one of joy's pregnancies, so i have a good track record.

yesterday, we went for our ultrasound, and found that we're having a boy :) it was kind of not surprising, because when they were measuring his legs, there did seem to be a bit of a bulge there, but the technicians didn't say anything until the very end. that said, i was surprised that my instincts were wrong, but i did wonder all along if my preferences were clouding my judgement.

i didn't feel sad that our baby is a boy. but i did feel sad that it means that we'll never have a girl, since we're only planning on have two kids (and we're very firm on that). when we got home, we made the rounds of calling our family and emailed a few friends. but later, on our way to a dinner out to celebrate, i felt really emotional – i cried in the car and puked in the parking lot. the thought of two sons is overwhelming, and i don't think i have the energy or know-how to meet them where they're at. i feel scared about how to properly navigate boy issues, and i worry that as grown men they won't confide in me the way a daughter is more likely to. 

interestingly enough, my desire to have a daughter is a relatively new thing – only really surfaced in the last year or so. i've actually written blog entries in the past about why i want to have sons some day. i know there are plenty of great things about having sons, and perhaps with a little intentionality and a little "luck" the concerns i have won't really be an issue. i suppose it's often the stuff we don't expect to be an issue in life that blindsides us.

i'm feeling much more encouraged about the thought of two sons. i'm beyond delighted for them that they'll have each other, and i hope to really help foster a loving bond between them. and truth be told, i've always been more into boy stuff (minus sports) than girl stuff (was never into princesses, pink, etc). so i'm probably better suited to raising sons. plus, i read this interesting article yesterday on babble.com called "boys will be boys until we teach them to be more", which really makes me feel empowered as a parent that i don't just have to let them be hooligans.

probably the best thing is that within 24 hours we went from not having a clue about a name, to identifying and agreeing on a full name (first and middle names). so that's exciting.

i'm really glad we found out the sex. i wouldn't want to feel grief over never having a daughter when i'm meeting my son for the first time. which is in approximately 19 weeks! i'm looking forward to it :)

waiting

I have 65 channels on this hotel tv, and there's nothing on! so annoying. I'm trying to kill time before the conference starts. 20 minutes isn't really enough to do anything, but too many to do nothing.

Sent from my iPod

independent lesley

I'm on the train heading up to Toronto for a few days. listening to my iPod and looking out the window. it's nice, but I miss my b and eamon. but I'll enjoy this sojourn of independence. it reminds me of my single days. my headspace has more breathing room. I honestly can't tell you the last time I just sat and listened to my iPod. probably my last business trip to Phoenix in 2013. funny how being alone feels like a lighter, less complicated version of myself. perhaps funny because it never felt that way before, when I was single.

I hope I enjoy these days away. it's nice to have a break from my work routine. I hope everything with this conference goes well. I'm not a confident event planner, but I think I remembered everything. I'm also meeting my new boss. not exactly sure what my hopes are for that, other than hoping it doesn't go badly.

just leaving cobourg now. just over an hour left.

Sent from my iPod

just a tuesday night

i just simultaneously barfed up all my supper and peed my pants. the barf got everywhere. the barfing was so bad that i didn't even notice that i'd peed my pants until i was trying to take off my barf covered clothes. brendan is working in napanee. so i'm having to clean up, strip the bed, and take care of eamon. i'll have to have a shower when he goes to bed to wash the barf out of my hair.

the midwives said there would be more of everything this time. so far that's true...

growing up

I'm super grateful that I was able to connect with several different friends last week. it really helps me feel more like myself, and like life is more interesting :)

I suppose life is kinetic, and we have to expect that as it changes and situations evolve that it will take time to adjust. my latest adjustment is changes in eamon. after nearly 3 months of morning sickness, he got used to having brendan do a lot of the hands-on parenting stuff. and now that I'm more able, he expresses a firm preference for daddy taking care of him. if I offer to brush his teeth or read him books, he'll say "no! daddy". for a while there I just went a long with it, but now it's starting to bother me. it's making me question myself and his value of me. and perhaps the thing that surprises and troubles me about this is that I take it personally, and feel like withdrawing from him. this is definitely a pattern of mine in life. when I feel undervalued or un-enjoyed, I will withdraw from those involved before i'm excluded further or hurt. BUT I can't withdraw from my kid, nor do I want to. so now is the time for me to learn some maturity and how to navigate relationships changes in a healthy and productive way. I didn't actually expect to experience this with my toddler, but its a relationship, so I suppose it makes sense.

I think what i'll do is join in his bedtime routine so he gets used to my involvement there again, then eventually Brendan and I can take turns.

organized

eamon and I go grocery shopping every Saturday morning. I like this routine. taking him with me always makes that chore so much more fun. this week, when we got home and as Brendan put the groceries away, I spent some time cutting up veggies, and packing small containers with veggies or peanuts. it's been really handy! when I'm hungry, it's ready to eat, and when I packed my lunch for work, I just had to grab and container and go. no spending extra time when I don't have any. I hope I can make a habit of this. it's worth doing. it's only about 15 minutes, but it will really impact how my week unfolds :)

and counting

I've been working hard and intentionally on managing my weight during this pregnancy, and so far, I'm pretty much on track with the recommended amount - gaining 6 pounds over 19 weeks. our midwife susan gave me some simple recommendations yesterday that I will give a try. she said a lot of women think they're eating healthy, but are taking in a lot of sugar via fruit, juice and white food (like rice, pasta and bread). so we're going to switch to brown bread and pasta (which I have done before, but had kind of gotten out of the habit of), but b said no to brown rice, and I think that's a fine compromise. I do prefer white rice myself.

so today I looked up a bunch of easy healthy snacks to bring to work instead of fruit, and will attempt to pre-prep snacks to be available for easy grabs. I think this will be a good practice to get into for when eamon is bigger and starts getting his own snacks (although, he already helps himself to yogurt and crackers when he's hungry).

all that said... in light of some semi-depressing news at work today, I kind of want to go out and feast on useless and regretful candy. but I know that wouldn't help anything. I learned today that after 6+ years, emma will no longer be my boss starting in may at some point. I'm finding myself in the scenario I did not want - my least preferred option - and wondering why the heck things are unfolding this way. I guess i'll just have to do my best at making the best of the situation despite disappointments.

memory making

i grew up in a 1960s bungalow, not unsimilar to our current house. actually, when imagining the house we were going to live in for the next 30 years, i often thought of my childhood home. i felt it served us well and adapted to our changing needs over the decades, and i wanted a house that could do that.

the one problem point about the collins bay bungalow seemed to be the bathroom. i didn't have any problems with it. it suited my needs just fine, but i have distinct memories of my mom saying "this bathroom is too small for 3 people and a dog!" and on weekday mornings, i can hear her saying just that when, all three of us crowd in our bathroom (that has roughly 6 sq feet of floor space - including the spot for the kitty litter takes up). i am late just about EVERY morning, so I'm getting ready while Brendan's getting in the shower. and eamon refuses to stand outside the open door - he feels he MUST be inside the room with us. it is cramped. but this is one of those temporary things that will be resolved if we wait long enough. eventually eamon won't want to be near his half-naked parents, and perhaps someday i'll learn to be on time.

progress report

you might recall that I decided, a few months ago, that it was time for an overhaul of my eating habits. 3+ months into my new approach, I'd have to say that I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I'm not really denying myself stuff, but recognizing that 'treats' are only 'treats' when they are infrequent and not enjoyed every day. I'm actually quite pleased. I can tell I'm making progress because my first instinct is not a junkfood snack, where in the past it often was. I think the reality is that junkfood is more convenient, and is often ready to eat, while more healthy foods can take time to prepare. so poor eating it's kind of the result of laziness more than anything else.

unfortunately, as my baby belly swells, it's difficult to see a real difference as a result of my lifestyle adjustments. sometimes I even forget that I'm pregnant, and just feel like I have a big, growing belly. BUT my chiropractor has twice gone on and on about how healthy I look, and has told me I shouldn't worry about my weight. so I must be doing something right.

monkeys on the bed

ben and meg gave us audrey's old crib/toddler bed last night. they got her a twin sized bed with lots of storage underneath. we've been needing a toddler bed for eamon. we got it set up in his room last night, and even had some new toddler bedding that we bought several months ago (but didn't get around to actually putting on his crib). the plan is to get him used to the new bed (sitting on it, playing on it, maybe even napping in it) before he moves into it officially. however, we did give him the choice last night of which bed he wanted to sleep in, and he chose his crib.

I'd like to get him settled in the toddler bed long before the baby is born so that he doesn't associate the crib at his anymore. we've told him that the crib will be for the baby, and while he seems to understand that, he made a bit of a confused face because he obviously thought they were both going to be sleeping in it :p

it feels a little early to be setting up that room for baby number 2, but it's more about acclimatizing eamon - who took about 4 months to finally adjust to sleeping in his new room after the move.

blasé

i think my iron levels are really low. I've been really weak lately and have shortness of breath. it only really occurred to me that I should be mindful to eat iron rich foods to address it. so I had a double yolked hard boild egg this morning. my dad gets these double yolked eggs and thinks they're the best. he was given extra this month, so he gave some to us. I have to admit, I don't really see what's so special about them. they complicate baking, etc. but I suppose the two yolks will be good for me today. i'm also rather puzzled about how they get produced.

in addition to feeling weak and tired, i'm feeling a bit emotionally low. i'm feeling lonely and a bit disconnected from friends. I know this happens every once and a while, and I shouldn't be alarmed, but I hope to have a meaningful connection soon.

i was pretty disappointed to wake up to see a layer of snow on the ground this morning. when eamon got up later he said "it snowed? stop it snow!". my feelings exactly. we got our snow tires off last week, and there was a noticeable difference driving on the snowy roads this morning. even the light layer of snow made the roads slick.

improve

i found out the other day that i weigh the same as my dad, and that bummed me out. i think it's been making me extra critical of my appearance. i know that i'm pregnant, but at this point, it's not pregnancy weight. its just poor judgment weight that i gained in the fall from not exercising and eating too much.

on a more encouraging side, i know that i'm developing better, more sustainable eating habits. and on the whole, i'm getting more active again. so i feel like i'm making better habits that will benefit me in the months and years to come. and the fact that i'm feeling self-conscious, will probably motivate me to keep on track. i'm sure i didn't get as much exercise during my holidays, but i wasn't too concerned about it because i wasn't just sitting around all day.

it's hard to learn new habits, but i'll get there. i'm doing well with improving my posture, and it's only been a few weeks.

practical

well, I'm finished my vacation and back in routine.

yesterday, I was feeling quite rested and didn't dread the thought of returning to work because it had been a nice holiday and one that I felt satisfied by. it's a good feeling when you reach the end of your vacation and you're not upset about it.

recently I bought some new rubber boots. I loved my last pair of boots and was super bummed when they got a big hole in them. i would've liked to find a pair of boots that i loved equally as much, but i was under some pressure when i was boot shopping because we were heading into a week of lots of rain. the ones i bought were blue, and had this buckle on them that i took off, I'm not really a fan of buckles on boots. wearing them made me a little sad and it made me miss my old ones even more. BUT they're starting to grow on me. they're just very industrial. so when i worked in the backyard last week getting it organized, or went out in the mud with eamon, i found they really suited the functional nature of rubber boots better than my old ones. they remind me of princess Diana for some strange reason (i'm not really one to follow royals). despite that, this image comes to mind. i'm looking forward to more messy days in the mud with my blue boots.

grown-up vacation

i'm on vacation this week, and couldn't be happier about it. the last two months of work have been unpleasant, and having this time to relax, be at home, get stuff done, and sleep past 5:30 has been really good for me. it's a nice reminder that there's more to life than my work routine.

we decided this year, in lieu of a vacation abroad that we would do some modifications to our house. we've lived here 6 months now and have identified a few things that need modifying to suit our needs better. as much as we love our adventuring trips, we knew we couldn't do both – house stuff and trip stuff. and we just couldn't rationalize spending the equivalent of these house changes on just a week vacation during which we have to struggle with eamon's sleep routine.

so instead, i've scheduled all the work for this week off. yesterday we got a new dryer. the dryer that came with the house was so old, that i'm pretty sure we had the same one in my childhood home, and even then it was old. while it was impressive that it was still running, it would take forever to dry things. it would sometimes take us up to 3 days to get our laundry done (not running that whole time, but we'd forget to check on it and when we did, it was still damp, so we'd have to turn it on for another cycle).

one surprising bonus to getting a new dryer, is that we had to organize our storage room to create space for the old dryer to get removed and the new dryer be installed. it only took a couple hours, but we finally got that space organized. we have shelves for our camping stuff, and shelves for our baby stuff. shelves for tools and shelves for out of season clothes. it was really excited about it. 

this vacation is turning out to be very rewarding :)